Tough!

Today I attended the last church service for 2013. It's probably the only service I arrived on time, or rather earlier ... As my mom started to feel how worry and stress and difficult it is for me for the past few weeks and had taken over some 'task' from me.... Speaking of love of a mother, I guess she does know I am holding up myself so hard for the past week.

Seriously, I don't know how did she do it for 3 years now.... She is amazing!!! I wonder if I am able to do that if I am her. Anyway, I guess my limit for all these is very limited and shallow as I am very sure I am not 'made' for the post of a mother or wife. God definitely know this part of me better than myself. 

Anyway, let's get back to tonight service. I was sitting there pondering over issues for the past year before the service started. This year's Christmas definitely was a new experience for me.  I was literally being put in the shoes of those who are sick, weary,worry, vulnerable during the Christmas season. It's not pleasant to be honest. To see all your friends and relatives are happily meeting up, arranging meals, gathering, leaving me behind because of my condition. It's not pleasant either not having been able to 'dig' out some joyful mood for the joyous occasions. 

This whole year is not pleasant. With the conflict I had with my uncle, with the tough economic conditions, with my constant flying, with my unpleasant works and cases, with not having a home church and the opportunity to serve God, it is killing.... And my life is so unsettled to a point, I myself feeling so lost.  

When the songs asked us to sing on are to thank God.... It's the first time I struggle through the whole songs crying both in my heart and eyes...do I not thank Him? Of course I do. I wouldn't have survived if He did not faithfully bring me through.  He has been my ONLY support. But with all that's He allows to happen to me for the past years, I do not know if I should thank Him for allowing it. It is just too much for me to bear.  I am suppose to have a week of holiday and I ended up to have not only none, but pending works for weeks!

Why is He doing these for me to bear? Why? Can't He spares me and deliver me and have mercy on me?

Why is this blog is alive? Simple. By now, I have no one else to talk to.  I just feel like crying over and over again! It is depressing seriously.... When will all these stop?

Just right after service, 2 persons came and talked to me on the same issue. I just couldn't withhold mt tears. I guess they didn't know what to say and I just changed the topic. I seriously cannot stand anymore I think. If it wasn't for a lunch on Christmas and movie and tea/cake time, I don't think I am able to survive until now.... 

This year is ending soon. I hope everything ends soon too! Lord, please....

- extremely tough-

The reason!

I guess until today, many still wonder why I did what I did for the past few years. Many have the opinion that may be I feel better doing what I have been doing. But I must say, those opinion is not exactly correct entirely. If, only if you understand what it means to have not seeing your love ones suffer together with you, you will understand why I did all these. Pains on me no matter how, but to be able to release them from suffering with me is what I choose to do.  Not that I am not missing them. Not that I do not want them to be in my life, not that I do not want to call them, not that I do not want to share with them, ... It is just that I am withholding all these in my heart simple because I know and wish they do not spend too much time and energy on me and matters concerning me.  My life is never easy ... And that's my burden to bear, not theirs.  They deserves better and happier lives and that's exactly what I want them to have.

I guess I was and is just trying to love them in a very different way.  

If you ask me if I miss them? Yes, of course I do. Every moment of my life. 

Do I wish they are around? Of course I do. But I shouldn't be selfish. They too have a life to lives and I wish them all the best in finding what they are suppose to do and live life to the fullest. No one should be accountable to me and my life. 

Well, ... It's not pleasant not to have them around all the time, but it is too painful to see them suffer with me. 

- a deep feeling indeed, which I have chosen!-

Christmas 2013

I don't know how many more Christmas I will celebrate. I do not know how many times more I can celebrate Christmas with my parents, both of them together.  I must add, each year, it only gets tougher... 

I almost give up half way through this year as I need to take care of both alone. Wit my capacity of not knowing and have never take care of anyone in my life, it adds on to the challenges. With the high demands of my mom towards EVERYTHING, as this is her house, I can assure you my emotions were challenged to the maximum! I remember one night I couldn't stand and I told someone and she told me to hang in there as it will past! I am glad there are few more who sent me messeges helping me to focus rather than just sorting out chores!

Mom obviously recover slower as she is no longer young. People might need 2 weeks, but she needs about a month to fully regain her strength! I am glad all my uncle and aunties are around to help! However, I need to prepare to go back to Kk to work after 2 weeks away! There are just too many works hanging around and even my studies is hanging .... 

The best of this year's Christmas, or rather the highlight is that I still managed to attend both the services and enjoy myself very much! Thank God Sarah is back!!!! Otherwise, I will be sitting all by myself! ...in additional, I am glad to have had lunch with HZ and annie after few years.....a moment of chatting and all enough to release my tension! What more when I met Sophia, Siew yun and Susan at giant while helping my mom to get what she wants! 

Well, it is good to have friends around this Christmas even though it is tough! 

Well, no Christmas dinner tonight. Simple meals for me and my mom... But we finished dinner earlier, enjoyed ice cream together while watching Disney's the Christmas carol! 

It is a memorable Christmas after all! 

- merry Christmas! -

Pre Christmas...

It has been a tough few weeks and for the past few days, it's worse. Everyone is having fun on holiday except me! Well, I keep telling myself I will be on holiday in May 2014. Whenever I wonder when will all these end, I remember a friend told me, "Pei San, soon... Few more days to go!" Haha... Of course we were sharing as to what happen to us this whole 2013. I am not the only one suffering. Few of us on the same year too.... And all has relations with our parents. 

I am just tired. Not physically but mentally, spiritually and physically. Trust me, it is not fun not being able to get involve in ministries for years and all. No caroling, no cell group, no friends, no interaction, no involvement in any directions of my life! It is seriously what I call, a dead and not working soul that walks around...

Trust me, I have been praying the whole day today for His mercy! I cannot stand anymore. I have work, studies and parents to take care. It is crazy. Expenses wise, I am paying for 2 houses of expenses. 3 staffs's salary, mt tuition fees, my other expenses. 

If I am qualify to suffer from major depression, I dunno who else is. If I can cope and yet still being think I am depressed, I am speechless!! 

Depressed, sick and being Demon possessed? Hahaha.... I don't think they know what it means to be me. Or their lives are just too good and they cannot comprehend at all. Well, wait till they suffer they same one day... Then, I will just stand there and tell them I had done it and my turn is over. Hahaha...

For now, I really cannot stand!!!

-pre- Christmas!-

Tough ending!

Just when I entered December, I have just constantly met and meeting challenges. I was calculating whether I have enough to cover this month expenses, my university has sent me an invoice! To be honest, I just emptied my bank account and when holiday ends, I will need to go to the bank first thing in the morning to sort out the fixed deposit and overdraft facilities. 

When a law firm in this stage, you probably realised how few conveyancing transaction we had in the past few months. This is seriously worrying. 

Just when I was worry for that, I received phone call around 930pm one evening from my mother telling me she's not well.  There after, I was stuck in Tawau for a week and nothing in the office moves including billing clients, meeting clients, have new cases, etc. things just stopped. More so, with all these, my washing machine and water heater went dead and I have to get a new one. When I came back from the one week to sort out all office works, I found my Astro decorder went dead too, leaving me without entertainment at all.

I managed to get works sort out, at least most of it before I go back to Tawau today. I even had a great chat with my personal tutor Professor Graeme Laurie yesterday, but when I was woke up and got myself ready to go to the airport, I received SMS from the airlines that my flight has rescheduled from 705am to 955am.

Life is certainly not going smooth still. But I am glad I am going back home for Christmas. I hope flight is on time now as I am waiting for it to depart while I am typing this with my only Christmas present, my new iPad mini, as consolation. 

I cannot wait for 2013 to end!!! 

- Merry Christmas! -

Key : Trust in the Lord!

I feel that "I am back" to the normal me after such a long time.... KK has driven me crazy for sure.  Ever since I moved to KK, things has never been 'normal'.  My first feeling was, "damn, i am being cheated". First, it's my job, my ex-partner definitely wasn't truthful on the real facts of the set up of the firm.  I ended up being a monkey in a wilderness. Yes, wilderness because I don't know this place at all.  I couldn't find a church that I can attend in the first 5 months.  Attended All Saints Cathedral but I didn't feel welcome at all.  In this city, I can count with one of my hand the total number of people I know.   I was staying in a small unit rented by faith through a friend of mine. Let's not talk about how the unit was the moment i stepped in. I feel like a spider myself.... and with nothing with me to clean the unit, I slept through the night on the floor, alone.
Life has not been good over the past 8 years in KK and I have forgot when did I stop sending out Christmas card to all my oversea friends.  Amazingly.... I just remember to do that this year.  I am back... reconnected to all my close friends (all oversea) and focusing on to achieve my dream and disconnected with people that detrimental to me.
2013 is ending.  I have to be very frank with you that my bank account is not having much saving.  I have used 80% of it on air tickets and taxi fares, but my bank account is not empty either.  God has been faithful and he has provided for my needs for the past 12 months without me worrying, in fact, we have extra to sort out computers, networking and internet problem in the office.  Someone asked me how I survive 2013 since I closed down conveyancing work and I don't do developer's job, etc.  I can only says, I have angels walked in who gave me works enough for me to sustain for a few months.  God is good.  He sent and He provides.
Even though I don't know how I can survive in 2014, but I guess, the only key is ... to trust God.
2013 is not a very prosperous year because we have stopped all conveyancing works.  However, I am hoping and praying that God will open another path for me to venture.  I am setting 2014-2016 as year of studying.  I really hope .... despite the busy schedule in my studies, I do not need to worry so much about finances.
Lord, I cry out to you.... please help me, provide to me and continue to  bless me...!
- End of 2013 -

Cooking, baking....

It's weird... whenever I feel stressful and pressure at work, all I do is... to cook.  Recently, bake. hahaha..... ok.  I am glad I finally got myself an oven since February and it's working so well.  Love it. I don't know how to lives a life without it. hahaha... Well, look what I have cooked recently  ...

... and after i baked some chocolate cookies, I am planning to bake a fruit cake.... I hope it works fine.... so, tonight, on my preparation, I have done this: -

Let's hope everything goes well for tomorrow....

- Cooking, baking... -

Death?

No. I am not going on with 'home' nor England... even though I probably have to pay the country a visit soon and more often in the future.  Well, as it is stated in the title above, I am going to talk about death.  I cannot remember when was the first time I experienced and came to know about death.  Probably it's the death of our dog? I still remember both my brother and I buried it at our garden.. and my brother made a cross for the 'tomb'. Or, may be it's me who keep asking my dad to kill the whatever creatures out in the garden that made noise which disturbed my sleeps? or may be it's my dad who killed the mouse who made its' entry into our house and made me cried? or my dad who tried to killed the lizard which came near me trying to attack me? or may be because I stayed next to a church and I attended funerals more than anybody else.  Following my dad and mom to visit the sicks and the death... has been one of the usual event in my life since I was born.
Furthermore, being a very weak person since birth, going in and out of the hospital is nothing uncommon.  Seeing people cried when their children passed away just next to me is a norm to me.  So, accepting the fact that people will die is nothing so difficult for me.  Not that I like the feeling nor me like to ponder over how things like when someone died, etc.  But it's a fact no one can escape from.
I thought I would not be able to handle things when my dad had suffered stroke.  Oh well, we have been expecting this because of the number of medicine intake for a long period of time by my dad since the age of 20 until now. It's over 50 years.... it consider high risk.  But many people has made me feel so 'sick' when they keep asking us why is this happening, etc. etc. etc.
When people died, people keep asking why why why.  When someone who is poor and not known to anyone who is sick and died. No one even bother to ask him why and how, etc.  When people whom we all know is sick, everyone asked why this thing happen to them.
Why are we asking that stupid questions where it can happen to everyone? I happen to had a long chat with someone who is rich and famous in the airport while our flight was delayed for 2 hours. He is someone close to our family and so, he was telling me his recent readings and ponders are on the issue of death.  He says, for the first time, he said he has change his mindset to accept death in a good way.
I didn't want to scares him away by saying, "that's why I always wanted to die earlier and fast".  To him, that probably not something he has gone as far to think of.  To me, almost everyone who knows me know that's my wish.  I remember Jonathan Tse said to me one day if i died, he will surely made a tombstone which says "I am finally here!". hahahaha...
Yes.  What are we really when when are on earth? Who are we? only people who are rich and famous gets to be recognised when died? and how about those who were dead and not being remembered because they don't have a family?
My point is, i don't really bother how much impact I made to this world.  I don't bother much about how much famous I want to be or how rich.  That's not important.  When I died, I died. I have nothing too.  and the only one whom I care whether He will recognise me or not is Jesus, in the 'forever land'. So, why am I investing and wasting my energy in this world?
Oh well.... I am going to attend a funeral tomorrow. This is about 5th one this year.  This time, it's a family friend .... someone who love and care for me since i am a baby.....
So, till then, ... I will see you again. :)
These 2 years, many was shocked with my dad's condition and amazingly, he is still around.... while other had passed away themselves. Hmm.... tell me, if you are reminded that the key to life and death is in God's hand, not ours.
Over the years ever since my dad's stroke, .... I have completely able to recognised who are the true relatives and friends and who are not. I am sorry to say, this is the last year I am going to be the 'good hearted' and 'able to fooled' niece of all of you.  Next year onwards, I am making everyone pay their prices for treating me and my mom the way you all did.
- Death? -

Down the memory lane.....

I start 'home' a lot lately.... yes, when I say Home, I do mean England.  To a point, I have been mentioning it again and again and ended up, I bought a ticket to England next year. hahahaha.... I can't wait to meet all my friends, those heart to heart good friends. hehehe...

Anyway, let me share with you of the 1st year of my University.  Speaking of that, let me introduce you to University of West of England, Bristol.  I met someone today who told me UWE is a bigger University then University of Bristol. His daughter was in University of Bristol he told me. Anyway, I am proudly admitting that I graduated from UWE. Recently, i realised, many people started to said that UWE is really a good university.  Many whom I know are also studying at UWE.  Well, UWE is indeed a nice place to study.

When I first arrived (at Bristol International Airport - transit from Amsterdam by KLM) I was assigned an university accommodation, an apartment near Braemar Ave. at Filton area (Gloucester Road North), a place about 15 minutes by bus/45 minutes if i walk from UWE.  I stayed there for 2 weeks.  It's a three rooms flat and my housemates, one from Plymouth and the other one from somewhere in England.  Every single night, they asked me to join them for a drink.  Outside of the flat was HSBC Plc, a bread shop, a 24 hours grocery shop, a video shop and some other shops which I cannot recall.  On my first day, the first place i went was to the HSBC pls to open a bank account.

On the first day of my uni, i missed my bus because there's just too many students going to uni and since my accommodation was almost the last stop before UWE,  all the buses were full when they reached where i was waiting.  On the second day, I woke up 2 hours earlier and took went to uni much earlier.  I cried a lot on my first few days due to missing my class and so, I went to appeal and my parents who called to Uni who request for a on campus accommodation, I managed to get a place as then Ashley Village (now has been abolished and builded Mandap Hall).  Ashley Village is just 5 minutes walk to my faculty.  There's a telephone booth next to my 'house'.  I was staying with lots of nasty people though.  I get bullied, I got hated, I got cheated, I got very bad experiences on my 1st year.

My second year was much better as people I stayed with were excellent and even with my failure on my first year, I managed to pack myself up because of those wonderful housemates.  Life was much better on second year as i was assigned to stay at Carroll Court.  Because it's 2nd year, things were better.  I gets to involve myself in Church, in Christian fellowship, etc.

My Third year was excellent because after 2 years of experiences and knowing Bristol, I have started to know almost every chinese in the city.  With Janice , my best friend (thought we were not staying together in 3rd year), we constantly keep our contact together.  Because of her and her husband (then boyfriend), I gets to know really a lots of people and started to build my life in Bristol.  My involvement with Bristol University, the friends from there and christian fellowship, knowing Dr Dawn Lau, Dr Patrick Yong, Michelle Lee, Brenda Loong, etc... life has really changed a lot.  In the beginning of the third year, after much prayers, I was then decided to come back to Malaysia to practice law.  God moves my heart to love Malaysia.

I will never forget my life in England.  The visits I paid to the late Rev Colin Thomas' place at Brownhill, Walsall, with Sara Thomas who studied nursing at UWE then (by coincident) during Easter, Christmas and many other occasions. visits I paid to my aunt's place by train and by buses.  I really miss those places.  I did also have a host (The Beam Cottage) in England, somewhere near Suffolk who took me in for a week or two just to be with them.  That's the first time I came across knowing someone who suffer from Multiple Sclerosis (MS).

Oh well... that's all for today... will continue to talk about England again tomorrow? may be about holiday?

I really miss home....

- down the memory lane... -

Ridiculous?

There's two things I am still wonder if I am feeling regret doing now...

1st.  I came back to Malaysia because I was then so convinced and believed and committed that I should come back to Malaysia after my degree in England.  By doing that, I let go of a relationship, a career, a place I call home.  England has never been too difficult for me to lives like it's to many.  I remember when my parents came with me to Bristol and England, they have realised and agreed with me that it's my place.  Ever since I came back, life has never easy for me to adapt and lives.  First with the injuries i had due to the weather, then the adaption to food and weather... (torturing).  But I was doing all that for God, I thought.... because I was very sure that He wants me to come back to Malaysia and make changes to Malaysia and Sabah, in particular.  Over a constant prayer for a year before coming back, I gave up applying for English Bar and came back to Malaysia for CLP and all.

2nd.  I was so convinced and committed and believe that God was sending me to Christ Church Likas. But obviously, it was a torturing 6 years.

These 2 decisions caused much regret to myself.  I am giving them up all together now.  It was a terrible struggles and difficulties with God over the 2 issues before i left CCL.  Due to the involvement and the love I had for the church and God, and my promise to Him, it really wasn't easy for me to just leave the church and not feeling upset about it.  But I guess God is now saying, I should do something for myself rather than the church, for Him.  Since young, i never have asked anything BIG from God. But i am asking God now ... to send me back home.  After 13 years of trying, I am giving up.  I am making a U turn.. the good thing is, I have been accumulating working experiences despite all these and so, I have at earned some 'working experiences'.

It's probably time to move on.  I know income can be an issue for the next 2 years.  But I don't want to care much. I want to fully concentrate on my studies and probably get a scholarship to proceed to do my PhD.  I wish... i don't know if He will grant it to me.  But this is now, my focus, my only wish in life.

Do think it is ridiculous? AFter all the conviction given to me by God, I ended up this way? Asking Him to allow a U turn?

- Ridiculous? -

Romantic experiences

If you ask me when's the most romantic moment in my life, I can tell you this....
At midnight 31st December 1999/1st January 2000 (Millennium year), in Bristol, United Kingdom, I was standing with someone on top of a building which's built above a Hill (Manor Hall), witnessing, experiencing the most wonderful and huge 30 minutes of fireworks at my eyes level, holding hands.
I am not sure how many remember those period of time when everyone thought it's going to be end of the world.  But when it enters the year 2000, Bristol held a few days of festival in the city centre and because of my relationship with the University of Bristol's students and lecturers and even Drs, I had the privileged to stayed around the University properties, including Drs' quarters. hahahaha....  (apparently, my parents had the privilege to visit those places in October 2000 too!!!) It was the happiest year I ever had ... not just romantic experiences, .... but also graduated from my degree (Millennium graduate), holiday with my parents, etc. In a foreign country, my parents thought i really know Bristol well and I should have stays there for Bar.  But unfortunately, we didn't have the fund for it.
Bristol was mine then.... I knew everyone in the city.  I knew every streets, every corner, every places...
I would have been married if I stayed back in Bristol. hahahaha...
May be but, it never happen that way. hahaha...
Anyhow, I love that moment.  That few days, I will never forget.  Thanks for the Dean/Chancellor who open the top of the building for us to witness the most wonderful scenery I have ever witnessed/seen. Thank you Lord.

- Romantic experiences -

Brilliant holiday - Hong Kong 2013

This year visit to Hong Kong was my 5th time visiting. Each te, I went with different people and purpose. Out of the 5 times, I enjoyed two particular times the most. Remember the time I went alone, stayed at a resort for a week before travelling to Macau, then to KL and home! I love that one week of rest so much. The hotel was brilliant, the weather was excellent and the atmosphere was so great as it was new year eve! With the wonderful and favorite cartoon characters, IQ bok xi!!!! 

This time round, I am so happy to have Eva to went HK with me. We travel to places we never been, eat what we planned to eat, hang around every places and I really enjoy the food and shopping with Eva.  This is probably the last time I go HK as my cousin and her family is moving to Australia soon.... Unless I go visit them again in November! Haha....

I really enjoy the trip! 

- brilliant holiday -

Glorifying God II

It's been a busy 2 weeks because I had a trial last Monday and with the visit and stay over by a group of people, it has been an extra busy schedule. If you think I am still sick, think twice because if I am, I wouldn't be able to cope so well with all these....

During the visit of a group of people, I was going around with them for a few hours and I was told over that one day of what I have done in my past. 1. Someone told me her cell member told them a testimony involving me which from then until now, it has encouraged her of not afraid of being different then others who is non Christian. To keep her to stay strong and never give up on making a difference. It's probably just a word I hv said, but it has brought impact to her, later to her husband and children...

2.  I have during my time in Faith Christian Centre, had trained a few badges of cell leaders and one of them told me what I have told her had so much impact on her until today. It has kept her moving and going, wherever she goes, wherever she serves. 

After hearing them both, I ponder over these for a week. I didn't feel extremely happy or sad over these. Instead, I wonder how many things I have said and done that has hurt and destroyed others? I have heard good things from others because it is easier to share with me when thing is good. But what about bad things? 

Yes, I have done a lot. If I start counting, there's a few who is priest today was my cell member once. There's a huge numbers of people who is in full time used to be my cell members too.... There's many who know how to play guitar, lead cell group, became priest and full time workers because of me too! But how many did I not know that I have hurt and destroyed at the same time?

2 years ago, how many has been discouraged by my break down? How many were discouraged and gave up on Jesus because of my retrieve and gave up upon CCL? I never get the chance to explain what and why and how it ended up that I gave up CCL. People generally thought I was upset over a few persons and all. To the end, those people were part of the disappointment....too! To a point, I didn't bother to even explain, to gain them back because to me, it is better not to have discouragement in my life than having them to destroy me. 

I met a few CCL people last Sunday. How much do they want me back? I will say, they don't at all. Besides being shock seeing me still alive in church, they didn't even send their greetings. Only God knows who is saying what to them. I don't want to bother. 

Interestingly, I met someone who returned from Australia and she asked if I am alright. She said she heard someone said I was depressed and sometimes from my fb she saw that I was upset about certain things. Come on.... Am I not a normal human being whom I will voice my frustration? 

In the area of glorifying God, i wonder if it is easier to glorifying God or not glorifying God. I wish and hope I can continue to focus on God then people arounds me. Who cares what they think and how they look at me as... I am accountable for God alone!!!

- glorifying God II -

"Not glorifying God"?

Few months after my dad had a stroke, many told us 'he is not glorifying God in his condition now'. I have been pondering over it.  Who are they to judge and how much do they know about what God's plan was and is for my dad? Every weekend when I went back home and saw my dad, I can feel how difficult thing is for him.  He can't even kill himself, that's how hard it is for him.  For those who can still have the freedom to kill yourself, you are still in a better position.  Yes. I don't think everyone can understand this.  But just because I went through the phrase of life where I rather die then lives here in the world and I can still can make that choice, if i want to. But my dad, is at the point where he can't even do anything about it.  He is literally 'waiting' for the day to come, the ... 'appointed time' according to His will. 

Is he not glorifying God because he is not recovering?  If one understand how does God plans things and make a person to sacrifies and suffer just to uplift another, then one will know what 'glorifying God' really means.  

I must say, even though thousand and million is saying that my dad is not glorifying God, but I can tell you, he has during these 2 to 3 years, has been the only thing that keeps me alive and made me manage my life 'better'.  He has even 'rescued' me from all the accusation and hardship in all area of my life.  I wouldn't have 6 months break if not because of my dad's condition.  I wouldn't have been closer to my mum if it is not because of my dad's condition.  I wouldn't have been getting all my old friends back if not because of my dad's condition.  I wouldn't have gotten this condominium if not because of my dad's condition.  etc. etc. 

Of course there's not many who can understand all these and there's so many still trying to take things for granted.  But as much as that's going on, I somehow manage to handle it much better these days.  Everything is now became 'temporary'. Nothing is permanent, including sadness, hardship, happiness. All will be gone and pass away ... that's how I look at it these days and that's make me feel easier and happier.  

Glorifying God? I guess that definition and understanding can only be 'judged' by God, not anyone else. 

- "Not glorifying God'?- 

Lack of compassion?

Oh well, this happen few hours back where my cousin sister told me about someone passed away in front of another cousin.  She does sound 'solemn'... but unfortunately, i wasn't taking it seriously.  hahaha... to a point, i did answered: "oh, dead is it?".  Then both cousins wanted to laugh and asked me why put it so 'rude'.  I laughed out loud... and explained that "Death means death, what's to solemn and sad about?" and there burst out in laughters.
Is this lack of compassion? I used to feel sad for family members of those who passed away, but ever since I was so near to death before, I don't feel anything to be sad about when it comes to death.  In fact, that's relief.  Anyway, i have learned not to be so 'compassionate'.... anymore. No more such 'stupid feeling'.  Hence, people can now refer divorces cases, and other litigation matters to me.  I don't have a feeling anymore.
I do have someone whom i know being introduced by another lawyer to me.  The lawyer told me I might know them and she doesn't want to accept the case because she knows both of them.  But I never seems to have that problem about handling your friends' divorce.  When I was told the 2 are planning for a divorce, I don't feel a thing, except, "Great, more income this month!". hahahaha....
So, if you ask me what am I focusing these days? REALITY.
I have a lawyer helping me these days.  But unfortunately, she's like whom I was .... and i couldn't stand anymore because of that characters and attitudes.  I demanded her to be more realistic and practical. Be a lawyer who can earn and accumulate profits.  Not stay on 'principles'.  I am sure she is not agreeing with me on this, but who cares? hahahahahaha.....
Lacking of compassion these days? I guess so.  It just makes me easier to survive.
While we were talking about the deceased and her son just now, I was very surprise to know that all my cousins dislike her son.  I was even shocked to know that he walked passed my cousin when he saw her.  I guess it's a fact as to 'whom' side of the story they believe after all, even though I never tell my side of the story. I don't think that's necessary at all. hahaha... time can clarify things.
So, my aunt is the closest to the deceased.  But seems like she's also not bothering much... hmm... what to do? We had a feast this evening. We are still MORE important. hehe...
Am I lack of compassion? I don't think so.  I think I am only being reality.  Treat people the same way they treated me. :)
- Lack of compassion? -

Remembering my dad....

I guess, even though I have been away from home for more than 15 years, my life somehow cannot be separated with my parents.  I am 'labelled' as my dad's princess all the time.  Everywhere I go, people will know who I am in town.  Somehow, it's frustrated... but without knowing.... it will remains in me for the rest of my life because that 'cop' ... is 'installed' me forever.
Amazingly, I am still having all the kitchen accessories bought by my parents when I first arrived here in Kota Kinabalu.  They came 2 weeks after my arrival, just to get me to go around to get all necessary things purchased.  Not that they not know I can do all these myself.... since I have been by then alone in UK for 3 years, alone in KL for 8 years.  But they just still see me as their little girl.  I guess I will forever only bear the name of 'daughter' to them.... regardless how old I am.
So, when things went really wrong and bad, I guess I really got them so worry about me.  Knowing that I can handle it and waiting for me to get over it and get it sorted, somehow, needs a lot of patience. Even when my dad had suffered stroke and needs care, etc.  he has never give up.  Without him being suffering from stroke, I don't know I get over with all these.  He has been with me for the whole period of time... which I am really thankful and grateful for.  Speaking of love, I guess he has given me more than 100%. His last concern before he went unconscious was whether anyone is picking me up from the airport.
And so, i promise him that I will not give up.  I will strike for the best to run this race... until the end, accordingly to His Will.  Not mine.  So, no matter how much I dislike the churches these days, the leaders, etc.  I am still getting myself close to God.  I will not give up.
My return to home to visit my parents every 2 weeks each time is to update him on my progress.  He has been supporting me emotionally and psychologically. My dad... today, I just being reminded of how much he spent time praying for me.
He knee down and prayed for me every single night before sleep for at least an hour (according to my mom).  Knowing that my life was born in such a way that I need to go through so much trials in life, ... he prays harder and more for me.  I love you dad... and I do miss talking with me.  And yes, uncle J will definitely bully us if you are able to defence us.
- Remembering my dad... -

Revealing....

It's weird, in two weeks time, many were surprised to find out that I have fully recovered from my major depression months ago and I have stopped taking medicine for dunno how long now. Everyone thought I am still having the med can going for review and I am still not well, etc.
Fortunately and unfortunately, they all found out I have not been taking any med for months now.  Oh, and that includes my mom. hahahahahahaha.....
Yeah, I guess, I just didn't bother to 'announce' to the world of the recovery. No big deal really.... at least to me.  hahahaha...
For those who knew someone who just committed suicide last saturday and and admitted to hospital, and who have known I have recovered, did asked me about how I get out from it. Oh well, .... did i went for church counselling? Did I involve myself more in prayer, etc... answer: NO.  I just being me (the original me before I get sick) and remember all my doctors' advice :  One step at a time.  It was not easy if you ask me.  If you ask me if i can get out from it by my own? Obviously not.  Thanks for those who has constantly remember me in your prayer, occasionally text me or call me, and God who went angles around me for a year plus.
I knew many who suffered for years and never get well.  I know that 'pain'.  I recognised the 'unacceptable' and 'uncontrollable' pains.... when it came in, ... I truly understand that feeling and how much one want to just end it for the sake of releasing themselves from that pains.... I understand how much people who have just walked away not wanting us to be their friends anymore because of the sickness.  I understand how much pain it is to need to cope with both the pains and also the additional of losing loves one around us because of the sickness.  But just like what bible says about love in this world.... and guess that's what it draws me closer to God still....
Everyone can leave us .... anyone, everyone.... whoever ... except God.  I am glad despite my dad had a stroke, he gone through the hardest moment of my life with me.  Can't get out of it if not because of him. Can't get out of it if not because of God who no matter how much I tried not to bother about Him, He has been showing me His amazing, faithful and unconditional love.
Life, after all these... has a different meaning to me ...ever since.
So, if you ask me about living life in this world.... don't expect I will give you a 'general' answer.
In gist, we don't give up if God hasn't...
- Revealing... -

Relationship?

Interestingly only old friends asked me about this. People either worry about me or they just simply think I am too busy with other things. Oh we'll, I am not denying the fact that I have been too busy with other things and relationship, after few Attempts, I have sort of given up. 

Unlike many who thought I do not care much about relationship, relationship can be detrimental to me and my life. It took Me away from other things all together. Life is better without any to be serious. 

After the last one, I am sort of having a few 'offer', but unfortunately, the older I am, the harder I am to get involved. And one has to be really good and much better than me in order for me to feel loved. Oh dear, standard gets higher and higher.... At least the person's brain has to be 'better' than mine. I don't wanna communicate with people who is just think like my nephew and niece. If you understand what I meant...

Childish is the last issue I want to deal with. Hahaha....

So, ya..... It's really not about i cannot find someone who likes me. It's more like there's hardly anyone whom I can communicate with or no one who is good for me. 

Either they have all the knowledges of the world or they are just too spiritual or there's no one who has both. 

And with the amount if time I have been traveling... I am seriously glad I do of have to cope with relationship. 

- relationship -

Different view...

hmm..... ever since those anti-christ has started their 'voice', I realised, ... I can understand what they are coming from, FROM THE WORLDY VIEW. Hmm.. let me explain.  Seeing a group of church leaders going to the Eagles Leadership Conference, (which I very much wanted to attend, but I couldn't due to works and court cases, .... ) and comparing what they are 'enjoying' out of our expense (our titles), and we are working every minutes to earn the money, the give 10% to the church, and they are enjoying... it's relatively, not very pleasant.
If i am to attend, I have to come out with my own money from my pocket.  But them, .... they get 'sponsor' from the church.
Are you getting the point? We are working very hard, trying to find sources of income, working on the files, going to the courts, earn the penny to lives, to support family, to support ourselves and to 'give' to the church/Lord and all they did with our sweat and blood money is enjoying themselves in Singapore. Yiks...!!!  That's the point. Many seeing it at this angle.....
Now, i am giving you another view.... from the church.  That, you are to treat them nice and honour them like they are a prophet.  They are the 'respected' group.  Since young, i am taught to respect all the priests and so, .... this has been one of the 'tradition'.
People however, forgot that why this group of people is to be respected.  Because people has forgotten as to why and what's their role as in the Bible.  Not only the ordinary members forgot about it, but the 'respected group' of people has also forgot about it.
As a boss, i do worry about whether I have my monthly pay every month.  I don't think my employees do.  But I do.  But how many who are priest do? They don't because these days, priest are well paid and not only they have monthly pay, but they also get bonuses.  I can't remember which year I am receiving bonus.
Anyway, so, different people has different view on this.  The thing is, if you think the other field's grass is greener, you can always jump over. No one is preventing you to be a priest or a full time workers, RIGHT? So, if you think they are not doing what they should, may be you should start putting yourself in their shoes. If you can't, then may be be one of them?
I am suggesting this because I am hoping everyone stop all these non-sense about blaming each others for not being perfect.  If you haven't realise yet, no one is perfect here ever since the stupid Adam ate the forbidden fruit. Why no one is blaming him? hehe...
Anyway, relax people, ... it's just different 'view'.
- Different view... -

Fairness...

Everyone who has a life has make a remark that 'life isn't fair' if not many times, at least one time in their life.  I cannot remember how many times I have said the same thing over and over again for the past 30+ years.  However, I have to admit that, life is fair somehow.  

Many who was born in a poor family ended up having a rich family.... many who was in a broken family ended up having good and nice family.  Many who was born in a rich family ended up poor, many was born with nice family, ended up being alone.  I always think it's fair that way.  God has its way to make things 'fair' in His way, not ours.  Many people who was good in their academic achievement, but isn't good when they are at works/job later.  Many was born clever and smart, but things didn't go well later in their job, etc.  

Life is fair i would say..... just don't say it is not when it's not a right time. hehe...

- fairness - 

It's been a while...

I cannot remember how long it has been but I guess, I am loving the way my life is, i.e. being alone. I don't need to take care of people is the best thing ever happen to me I suppose.  Even though, I have been the only one taking care of my parents for the past few years. But it has been for such a long time now that there's no one bugging me ... until this little girl who call my parents 'kung kung' and 'po po' decided to come over to KK and do an internship under me for a month.
This is the 3rd week.... and seriously, the first week was killing me crazily.  I was suffocated terribly... like fish without water.  Imagine all my 'freedom' was gone and I have to think where to bring this girl for meal.  It's not only killing, but .... i feel so dead.  I remember sending her to court for 2 days and during that 2 days, I gained my 'strength' back and worked wonderfully, happily.  It's been a while... really. And staying with someone? Goodness.... let's not mention it.  Thank goodness I told her before hand and warned her over my 'weirdness'. hahahaha....
Well, 1 1/2 more weeks to go and the next 2 weeks is going to be a crazy busy weeks with trials and hearings in sessions court, high court and court of appeal.  CRAZY!!!! However, I am glad some cases I really strike for it has made it well and more income is coming because of that.
So, I have decided to do litigation works only and leave the conveyancing matters to others.  I have pushed conveyancing matters to other firms and now, another lawyer joined me as Legal Assistant and she's going to handle all the conveyancing matters.  GREAT!
Meanwhile, it's been a while now that I did not study... and from September 2013 onwards, I am going to put 80% of my time to finish up my Masters in Law (LL.M).  Lord, ... help me Lord!
It's been a while that I feel so energetic and feels like I am back to the water.... doing what I like. Lord, please...

- It's been a while ... -

Disappointment...

Everyone is asking me if I am alright after the post these 2 days on facebook.  I guess I was trying to find ways to get some support from family and friends.  Well, at the end of the day, I guess, all i need is support from my mom.  Wonderfully, she gave me not only 100% support, but 200%. haha... speaking of trusting your family members, no one can beat a mother... who forever stand for me.  If I made a mistakes, she will just make sure i knew it, i learned from it and helped me to get over it.  If I didn't make a mistake, she will make sure I don't do stupid things like, pay out from my pockets and just solve the matters out unconditionally.
Well, i am just very disappointed with my uncle who happens to be my client.  He had 'framed' me the way he wants to believe me in during 'the transaction' and he continues to be a terrible client ever since.  From him asking me to do 'extra' works and without wanting to pay the legal fees in FULL onwards, I find that this case has been the worse case I ever taken.  Stupidly, I thought I should return him a favour  after what he had helped our family with, but unfortunately, my 'thought' has ended up savaged by his ugly attitudes and characters and it became a terrible mess at the end.
I am glad to know who are the people I should trusted the most now.  As age is catching up, the more I am seeing the true and real people arounds me.  From how people 'treasure' me (my own so called friends) during the most difficult times of my life to how people 'treated' us when I dad was suffered stroke, etc.  and until now, everyone has been screened through by our own eyes of how ugly and truthful a person is.
I am glad I had the previous experience and that I am not affected too much this time.  Disappointment or hurts or whatever people call it, ... it is to be 'dust' now.  If this incident didn't happen, i won't know how I should get all my legal fees back. So, now, of all the 5 matters he had previously instructed me to do and later didn't go on with, I have never billed him and so, I am going to bill, plus the interest of 14% per annum and I will see at the end how much he is going to pay me for.
My advice to people arounds me, you can decide for yourself what you want to do.  But you also have to bear with the consequences of all your moves.  I still have a few things on my hand about the 'illegal' ways he is handling at the moment. I won't utter a word about it, but you better be careful for your next moves.... or else it is going to cost you more.
It's probably time to move back to Tawau.  Sell the condo in Alam Damai, come back to Tawau for good, doing some teaching, study my LLM and PhD, then.... living a simple life.  After all, isn't enjoying life is the best?
Life is full of disappointment.  So, it is time to treasure those who have never disappoint me.
- Disappointment ... -

Trouble? Challenge?

I have lost the word for now as to how to describe my current situation.  Firstly, ever since I started non discount rule and that my capable staff has left me, I am only left with myself and one new staff.  Thank God for her though because she's very independent and smart and willing to learn.  Within a month, she has gotten everything under control.  More so, she has helped with many outstanding left by my so called, capable staff.  Many compensation, penalty were borne by us, but I am ok with it as long as matters of my clients are sorted with no problem.
So, what's the trouble and challenge?  Not many clients wanna come back to me except those whom have really what i call, 'good' clients.  They came back because they know me well and trusted me.  and because of my time and limitation, I have decided not to handle conveyancing matter because seriously, it drains me out crazily.  So, except small conveyancing matters, others... I am not bothering much.  STRICTLY no loan matters, since the Bank(s) doesn't really wanna add my firm as penal law firm anyway.  So, after much consideration, I guess that's what I have decided.  Ever since I decided on this, finances is very tight.  From receiving about RM30K per month, I am now, hardly earn RM10K per month.  So, it's that difficult.
And so, I am learning how to trust God MORE these days.  Many told me I just have to be patient and believe that He will provides.  I have been seeing that for the whole year last year.  But not starting of this year, where client/uncle has been scolded me crazily until I lost faith in myself and claimed me over penalty charged on them for RPGT, etc, which cost about RM51K.  Great thing is, I do have a professional indemnity insurance to cover any negligence of my part as a lawyer.  But the problem is, we never late in submission.  we have proof of acknowledged receipt by LHDN in Kota Kinabalu Branch.  But client doesn't believe me completely.  And so, I am totally demotivated.  But good thing about this compare to a few years back is that, I am not sick and I can handle the situation pretty well.  Regardless how bad situation is now, it does seems like, NOTHING is so important and impossible and hopeless. hehe... So I guess, after at least 6 months of not taking medication, etc. I am fully recover.
Trouble or Challenge?
Let's look at it as challenge.  I want to have something stories to tell 10 years later, i.e. How God bring me through this tough moment in life.
- Trouble? Challenge? -

Hiccups!

Everyone told me life won't go smooth all the time.  Well, when everything went really well last year, I was already feeling that hiccups are on the way.  To many, it's because it's the lack of faith. Well, i will say it's because I have not been trusting in God FULLY.  Hence the hiccups. hehe...
It's been a few months of handling, sorting out and fighting over this bloody real property gain tax which my clients, i.e. my uncle being penalise over 'miscommunication' between the KK branch and the Tawau branch.  We never know how Tax department handle their job.  They make mistakes, but it took ages to get it rectified. Under the law, they somehow gets to do or charge anything they likes.  And their 'presumption' over the sum taxable need not have any 'grounds'.  As long as they send you a notice, you are to pay.  Otherwise, you are going to be charged interest.
My dear client, i.e. my uncle, only saw the notice and started his rumbling over me for failure to file the relevant form within the time frame.  Which to us, is not true because we do have letter which was being acknowledged receipt by the Tax department.  However, my dear client keep saying we didn't file according to time and refuse to accept the fact that we have filed within time and didn't appeal the said penalty for the past 2 times of their visits to the Tax department.
Making me have to keep sending letters, calling the tax department in both KK and Tawau to make sure the matter is being look into.  However, the worse situation is, they didn't wanna bother much, until and unless you speak 'malay' with them in a nice way and not blaming them for anything wrong. Begging is the word I have to use.  And I am now planning to beg further.... by paying the Tawau Branch in the coming Monday just to sort this matter out.
To be serious, all these are not necessary if the relevant department is doing their job properly and communicate properly.  I hope, i really hope i do not need to bear the penalty.  I am praying very hard now. Lord, please have mercy on me...!!!
- Hiccups! -

Praying dad...

During the hardest moment in life for the past 30 years, I was always been prayed for by many. But today I just wanna tell you how much my dad had and has been praying for me and that has keep me from moving on and on and on and still on....
If you come to my house in Tawau, you will find a pillow that bas gone smaller and smaller each time I saw it. That's because my dad kneels on it every single night for more than an hour to just pray, for many and for me.
Since young, there's just too many things predictable and not predictable happen to me.  We can't change thing that ought to happen under His plans. But we can pray!  That's what God allow us to do and have given us that rights. So,  being  loving dad, my dad submit all his petition to God, asked for His grace and mercy.
Indeed, many obstacles were overcame.  Even for now that he had suffered a major stroke, I still  believes his is still praying for me.
Thats what one needed the most in life. A praying dad! Thanks, Dad!
- praying dad ...-

Wise advice and encouragement!

During the most difficult time at this moment, I can only remember what my grandma used to told me and what my dad used to told me.  I attended a few friends' grandfather's funeral yesterday.  I happen to be able to listens some of the stories of their grandfather and I am not only encourage and inspired, but I  am also being reminded what my grandma told me once.
I am never a favourite grandchild of my grandma because I am her only granddaughter.  The boys somehow captured her heart. Of course, it's also because I am not as girly and I am not as loveable compare to the rest.  Worse still, I am not pretty, I am not cute, i never know how to speak to make her happy, I am not smart and I am just a weird, little girl.
I don't have much recollection of any fond memories between me and my grandma.  But in one particular, I remember she cut some guavas for her to eat and I asked her to eat with us (all my other cousins were around too, but I was the 2nd eldest) and she told me, she likes to eat the seeds as they are sweeter.  I believed her. Later, i told my mom about it and she laughed at me said I get cheated because she just loves us and wanted us to eat the fruits.  My grandma is not educated.  She worked like a maid when she was young before she married to my grandfather.  She was 'sold' from China to Macau, to HK and then to Sabah.  But from young, I thought my dad was very educated, i.e. he has a lots of knowledges in him.  He knows everything. He can solve all problems.  He speaks many languages and his English is good.  He always do translation for others. I remember people came over to my house to ask him help with his tax filing, etc.
I was told my grandma was making sure every of her children goes to school and be educated, no matter how hard life was then.  She can let go of everything else or sacrifices everything to make sure her children goes to school and get educated.
I remember when I was about to go to England for my degree, she had her 3rd time to stroke then... and I was so afraid that I won't see her again after I left.  So, I visited her more often those days and one of the very last thing i remember she told me on the day before i left was that "no matter what happen, just study until you cannot study anymore." Knowing that I am never good in studies, she still encouraged me.  It's like a force for me.  When I came back from England, she was no longer able to talk to me.  And that's one of the words and advises from my grandma until today.
- to be continue.... -

Going bankrupt....

Yes. It has not been a fruitful and good year starting in February... after all the matters have ended... everything is so slow, especially the economic.... prior and after election.  I was hoping things will get better after election, but I realised, i was completely wrong... and after election, all government department are out here, taking a bite on everyone.  The worse is from Lembaga Hasil Dalam Negeri, the Tax department.  I am not only paying this year's tax.  But also next year... and by paying taxes, I seriously don't know how am I going to survive with paying mortgages on house and car.  Weird.  I wonder why do they want to do that... the only reason I know is that the government is ran out of cash flow.
With all these, my previous staff has left me a lots of mess to sort out.  including paying compensation, etc.  My fault because I have been too busy travelling to Tawau to take care of my parents.  He is not causing angers among my clients, but also messes up everyone's file.  Finally, i was overjoy when he resigned.  BEcause neither he wanted to listens to my instructions nor sort things out.  All he did was sit there and do nothing about it and make everyone furious and angry. I was being nice to him because he's a christian and he has room for improvement.  However, he's taking it too much and when he started to refuse to comply with every instruction I gave him and putting me in a mess, I just couldn't stand it.  Now that I am sorting out all the mess and suffering from the consequences.... here I am, in debts .... big debts... to a point i might need to go bankrupt if no potential business comes in ...
- Going Bankrupt -

Facing KL

It has been a while since I last enjoy KL.  For the past 4 days, it has been great as I finally manage to face KL and all the people in the church and all others.  It has been really great, just like I went back home.  Met and/or bumped into many people.  Jamie, Mee Di, Mun Yee, Eva Chin, Yen Li, Salina, Eric Tai, the whole FCC church, some Christ the King members, Christ Church members, Laura Tan, Chung Su Min, Sheau Jiun and Howard and baby of course, Annie Soo and baby and family, Peter Yap and all, Kevin Chong & family, Kevin Loo, Esther and Ethan, Evelyn, Chung Su Kong, etc.  Emilianie, Lois Tai, Sarah Yon, Patrick, Elisa, Simon, uncle julian and aunty barbara, Esther and Wilson and the 2 kids, Siew Weng, Siew Fei, my cousin Dorothy, Tia and the 2 kids, .... Lee Chiun... walau.... and the list go on.  It's really great to see all of them.  All i missed are those who attended Sat service.  Otherwise, the list will be even longer....
I didn't realised I have so many friends in KL. hahaha.... yes.  At the end of the day, I still ask the same question, "Why God wants me to come to KK?"  OH well....If it's His purpose that I ended in CCL and get humiliated and rejected and suffer... with both ministry, life and works... I seriously have nothing much to say. He wins. hahaha...
But being able to face KL and missing KL ... and going back to places I dare not to step in anymore was a great and wonderful feeling indeed.  It's a feeling of winning, breakthrough and overcome all together.
Man... at least, this time, I didn't end up with sickness, just that one piece of my luggage is not back with me YET.  I hope i can collect it tomorrow morning after church and no complication on it.
- Facing KL -

Journey to the west

It has been a while since my last visit to my old home. Main reason for not returning there often becauae I don't really like this place. I always end up being sick at the end of my trip. I hope this time I won't get sick as the schedule is a bit too tight.
Oh well, these few weeks has been crazy, stressful and tiring.  Been staying up late in the office to finish work, etc.  It is just too much because clients started to demand more WITHOUT wanting to pay. Things just screwed up by my previous resigned staff. His name has been mentioned at least 20 times a day. He sometimes gets some curse too.
Anyway, I am working on UNPAID works these days and I am worry about income for sure. So, what do I do in KL? Meeting good old friends. AM getting old. I am at a stage in life where I look for old friends and they look for me because their children are now all grown up...
Besides that, of course... To get some necessary shopping done.
Nothing about the rally though. Hahaha...
- Journey to the west-

Unethical?

I seriously won't use this word against my fella colleague, because I always think every qualified lawyer are to know what is ethical ever since they are called to the Bar.  I was wrong in thinking that because many are lousy lawyer which means, they can be unethical in every moves they make.
I just happen to come across one and get very pissed off by him ever since I have this case in hand.  It's always the intention to settle the matter amicably between the parties, but my learned friend has somehow made all the moves to made it 'impossible to perform'.  Thinking back, it's just how amazing he deals with things.  I can forget the way and the angers that arose in me.  But... when it happen again today, i just feel so wanted to smash him on his face.
After the trial, he who represented the Plaintiff called me, (the 6th defendant's lawyer), asking me if I can ask my client to help him get a settlement done between his clients and the 1st - 5th Defendants, with the condition he and/or his clients are not going to get any compensation from my client.  With such juicy condition, how can i hesitate? I called my client immediately and I forwarded to him immediately a draft Deed of Settlement.  But he didn't reply.  Instead, he went ahead to settle with the 1st-5th Defendants and later, asked my client to pay him RM200,000.00.  I was furious.  Called the 1st-5th Defendants asking what happen and they told me, it's him to said he will not want to include the 6th defendant's settlement.
Great!  First round, it didn't work out.  I set it aside as I have other matters to worry then to worry about this.  I filed my notice of appeal to the court and application to stay of proceeding and execution.  He then called, asked if my client can call RM20K.  I confirmed with my client and told him it is possible if a Deed of Settlement is to be executed between the parties.  He refused.  With his refusal, the matter came to court this morning.  The Court asked to settle by entering a consent order.  The Court allows a stand down for 30 minutes to sort out the terms. I refuse to pay RM20K.  He asked me how much then. I told him, RM0.  He got angry and said, how about RM15K? I said, if that's his offer, i will confirm with my client.  He agreed.  I called client, and ok with it.  When I told him, he said, it's not an agreed sum because he has not asked his client. Bloody hell, i didn't know lawyer like him is like a dog to his clients.  Anyway, it then took about 45 minutes to get to his client and got the settlement sorted out.  I wonder why did he even offer RM15K if he cannot speak on behalf of his client.
Unethical of him because he has been an idiot.  He doesn't want to settle.  He is not taking the RM15K to his client.  He is taking it into his own account because his client didn't pay him.  It gets on my nerves more when i know he has received RM2million from 1st to 5th Defendants and that sum, according to the 1st to 5th defendants are the total sum including my client's portion.  But he was being greedy and asked RM200K fro my client again.
So unethical!
I just can't bear with unethicality anymore....
- Unethical? -

Love...

My priest preached about Love this morning in the English service.  Well, it's the famous bible scriptures in 1 Corinthian that he was preaching about.  Strictly speaking, I almost fall asleep while listening.  Love? It's such a huge topic.  It's a topic everyone would like to have, but not everyone who has received.  I certainly being overwhelmed by it.  I used to love every single people I met.  I don't choose who to love and who not to love. But people has turned my love to think I have intention behind my love.  More so, people misunderstood me.  People has turned my love to hatred. After being rejected completely, of me and/or my love or whatever they think it is.... I have ceased to love anyone anymore.
I used to love others more than myself.  But for the first few years, I have started not to love anyone else, but myself.  However, what my priest preached this morning about not to love himself first but love others, has somehow completely contrary to my believe. hahahahahaha....
Love others? Why?  And for the whole day, I have been wondering why God wants to love all the sinners instead of Himself.  By loving sinners and all, He got hurt .... badly.  Even have to give away His only Son, Jesus.  Does it worth it? Why love others? Even caring for others, I have given up.  I know my clients have great chance to win and I know I can help him to win the case, but when he bag me for paying me by instalment and/or later, I don't give a damn anymore.  I don't bother much anyway if they are going to get what they want or deserve.  It's time to think about myself an myself ONLY.
I used to love and care for others a lot , lot more than loving and caring for myself.  But not these days. If I saw someone who was hit by a car right in front of me, all I do now a day is probably just walk away and have no more feelings about pain and suffering anymore.  If someone is calling me in desperation for RM1.00, I will ask him/her to go 'earn' it.  I won't give a damn.  Has my heart gets harden?  I guess I NEED to, ... in order to protect myself, in order not to be taken granted for, in order not be hurt by others anymore.
I wonder has God heart got harden and refuse to love us one day? hahahaha..... if He does, we are doomed.  If He doesn't .. that just because He is God.  and all I can say is, I am not God.  hehe... so, to love others?
Hmm.... not for me anymore.... it's for those who always love themselves.
- Love ... -

I have a problem....

It's an obvious problem.  People keep asking if I feel bored with being alone.  Problem is, I don't.  In fact, I get very annoyed having needs to cope with people around.  Why is that a problem? Because that will only means, I can't get along with ANYONE, EVERYONE...... and it really means, I won't have businesses because I don't go for marketing (meeting people).  It's a serious problem.  I only feel comfortable with people I 'choose' to be with, selected people.  In fact, I have been 'provoking' many people recently until I also think i have a serious problem.....
haiz.... or may be it's just this season? haiz... it's so hard to cope with my emotion these days....
- I have a problem ...-

Smart Landlord!

Over the years, I keep having clients who came in and asked me how they can chase their tenant out from their premises.  Condition is always the tenant has failed to pay the landlord rental for MONTHS, if not YEARS.  Their refusal to pay, and refusal to move out has caused most landlord heaving sleepless nights.  What more, if they are from oversea.
Over the years, the most who came to and complained about are those who have rented their place to Korean.  Yes.  I am having a difficult time with Korean who stays above me either.  They tend to have a habits to keep moving their tables and chairs I suppose.... anyway, that's not what I want to talk about it.  I just wanted to tell you how hard it is to claim your rental and/or property back if you are renting your property to them.
9 out of 10 of them won't pay their rental at the end of their tenancy period.  It is impossible to issue a Letter of Demand to them as their address given mostly OUT OF JURISDICTION.  And if you want them to move out, try wait for a year or two.  If you want to get a court order for their removal, it is as good as IMPOSSIBLE.  So, be smart.  Try to either get a FULL payment for the whole tenancy period from them or ... rent it to someone else, even thought they offer a better rental.
If you think you can get them out from the premises after the end of the tenancy period, dream on.  First, you won't be able to locate them.  Secondly, they whole place is in mess.  Thirdly, all your utilities Bills might not be fully settled (at least a few months' outstanding).
No. Don't get me wrong.  I didn't say this because I am bother by one now.  I am saying because that's  FACT!
Do you need all these hassles? If you do, you can still consider renting your place for them.  After all, they always agree to pay a higher rental.  But trust me, most of them moves out without paying rental for months without even you notice. So, try to be smart.
- Smart Landlord! -

Future planning...

It has been a 2 crazy weeks of the technology havoc... this week, it is about finances. hahaha... without realising, most of the files are closing and money are going out one by one.... and luckily, when the bank called, I was prompted (by holy spirit) to check the account to see if there's sufficient fund as I have taken most of it and place it in Fixed deposit instead.  Low and behold, it wasn't. hahahahahaa.... so, i have to go to the Bank to withdraw 2 FD... hahaha.... so funny!  Oh well, just because I need to visit the Bank, I went to my own branch to meet a few bankers and trying to gets their support for my application as Bank Panel.  May be after all, I need to expand a bit.  Even thought I am survived with a few litigation files, however, I guess... I do need to plan ahead for now, especially when I have the time to do all the application.  Speaking of application, I forgot to get my Commissioners for Oath application done up with, YET.  So, yes... guess that's what I need.
Just when I am feeling so worry about future due to the quietness.... everyone just told me not to because things will definitely be better after election.  I hope so really.... because clients are having difficult paying me recently.  That's the worries.
- Future planning -

Reminded!

These few days, I am feeling a bit down... and I have been trying very hard to control my emotions. Generally, not to shout at people or not to get so frustrated with certain conversation.  Some just rub on of course that made me feels so lazy and xian to talk to them.  Not that they don't understand what I went through for the past few weeks, but they have also add on to the pain by 'playing' around, let's not mention about being comforting, etc.  I guess these days, no one does that anymore. hahaha....
I am seriously worry about a childhood friend who is going through a postnatal depression.  The way she described her situation gave me an impression that it's really bad. She loves darkness, being in the bed without getting up, etc.  Just like those first few weeks that went through.  Hell like life.  Worse for her was that she has a HUMAN, baby to take care... and i was only having cases and works, of course later with dad's condition, Human do come in... just that i was controlled by medicine then,  so i was ok.  But for her, she's on her first few weeks.  Hence I am worry. Worry for her, worry for her baby... Thank God her husband has just resigned and taking care of the baby and her at the moment.  Otherwise, I really don't know how she is going to handle it.  Can't count on her parents as her mom is having cancer and her dad is taking care of her mom. Poor thing... i just can't bear not to try talk to her and encourage her a bit these few days.... hearing her side of the story and trying to comforts her, asked her not to blame herself for things she can't even control of, herself. I guess not many people understand what she is going through.  I do.
I just finish watching the last episode of this HK series and the main actress finally killed herself.  I really praise the Director in this HK series for showing the actual situation of 'rather giving up' than handling the sickness.  One of the Senior Dr told her, it needs lots of efforts to lives.  I guess she just suffered too much at the same time and she just feeling tired and wanted to give up.  When I was watching the episode, i was brought back to those time.... where I can't control myself (luckily i didn't kill someone - and it needs lot of efforts to don't let myself out of the room), I lost myself, I didn't have support, I have too many things happen at the same time.  My church and its members fails me and i lost balance for a while wondering why even God's people and leaders can be so bad to a christian like me.  Yes.  I was wrong to put trust on the Church rather than God.  I didn't lost God, but church... yes.  Definitely! For a Priest who ill-treated their staff/partners in work, goodness.. i am sure you can imagine how much 'imbalance' i received those days.... from all these, I am reminded of those darkest moment in my life.  The worse was, I was all alone by myself every single day.... (even though all those who cares oversea did send their encouragement, emails, comforts to me occasionally - i do remember who you are. I did recorded it.  Some even send their money to my account even with TT services charges, knowing that I wasn't able to work at all).  But i can assure you, none is from Chris Church, the church I have been around for 5 years.  They rather see me dead by now... haha...
Oh well, it really takes a lot of efforts to lives to today!!!  God obviously has upon my request, sent Yien Loong back to Sabah for 2 years, just to help me out of the sickness and to sort out my firm.  I can never thought of her coming back... her family was so supportive and always takes me as one of her family member.  I always feel so welcome and comfortable knowing I do have them around.
Now that she is leaving.... I know it's God who says, I am capable now to moves on by myself.  I really thank God for her, for her obedient in God's plan. In her wonderful support.  A great old friend I will always love.
It's easier to kill myself then during the darkest moment.  It's too, easier for one to sins rather than not to.  Doing a right thing is always not easy.  I have been trying to be 'godly' lawyer... but it is so hard too to survive.  I know I will goes bankrupt soon if I continue to keep it this way, without corruption. Unless, God shows His mercy and grace of course!!!
So, yes, ... I am praying for mercy and grace.
- Reminded! -

MacBook Air

My first experience of an MacBook Air... indeed, it is not my first Apple product as I used to have a ipod touch everywhere I go including the gym and airport.  Was even at the phrase where I can't even lives without one.  I have however, never gotten the gut to buy one because I am afraid that it won't serve my purpose, i.e. sorting out works.
Who knows, it has been a technology havoc for me for the past 2 weeks and I ended up got this as 'supplementary' to ease the heavy workload I have at work after both my Toshiba and recent bought Sony were not fit for used.  Remember some time last week, I was shouting from my room not knowing I have a client downstairs... well, with the frustration of not having office's electric supply was down for at least 4 days, telephone was down for at least 7 days (that's mean people keep calling my personal handphone), then with the internet problem, printers problem... you name it.  It's just a pretty awful 2 weeks.
More so, with more and more things piling up on my table and with the resignation of 2 staffs and new staff.  I was quite lost.  But it is proven that, I am still in sound mind and stress and pressure are under control. Still keeping everything positive and not simply purchasing any laptop.  Of course, I do needs people around to make things well.  At least i consulted a few people, taking more steps for research, etc.  Then only after 5 days living without one, and stressed out with it, then I decided to get a MacBook Air.
Many says the Mac is not very user friendly.  It is not because it's not what we 'usually' use.  With my kind of ability, I somehow get used to it within hours.  Even though I am still new to it.  But, i am picking it up and at least it has been solving much of my works already.  I won't say it is a perfect piece of gadget, but at least, it has served the purpose for these few days... at least until I get my Sony back from the service centre.
I have learned many things over the last few years.  I know nothing is within my control.  Not my health, not my life, not my career, not my accounts, nothing..... Everything I have is given to me by grace.... from God.  For the sake of RM4K and I lost a few thousands and a few potential clients... is that worth it? I was asking..... and I am quite sure you do have the answer for it too.  Seriously, an unplanned 4k is killing.... and it means, CREDIT.  But not that I have choice for now as I have deadline to meet and I have clients that's waiting for their works to be done...
Seriously, I am glad at least there's something I can use immediately from purchase.
i love my new gadget.  That's what I have been telling myself every day. hahaha....
- MacBook Air -

Independent?

I met with a well known architect and developer recently and I went to him and say hi to him....and he shakes my hand and said "you are always so independent!".  He has known me since i was young... and I am sure everyone is surprise that I have never asked them for help in my business ventures.  I never requested them to help me up as a developer nor uses my parent's fame and name to gain more businesses.  Guess that's the main reason why I am not back in Tawau and started my own firm there.  I know many will give me businesses if I do, but is that what I want?
No.  I am very sure that I don't after the last incidents with my relatives' cases.  Those kind of pressures.... is the last thing I want.  I don't like to bring shame to my parents too... as I have always been (at least that's what I think)... and certainly do not want my parents to endure an extra pressure from protecting me or .... defending me, whichever applies. hahaha....
Being in a place where not many knows me.... as a young lawyer, I guess that's what I need.  Making every mistakes, trying every efforts... to make my own money, lives my own life, enduring the necessary suffering and pains and pressures, to take one step at a time... to grow...and to become an experienced lawyer. It is expected that many will complain, many will dislike the way I handle things or even the way i speaks... but that's me...
I am trying very hard to stay 'sane' due to the above.  Yes.  People still help when i needed or cried for help. Clients still come back despite being scolded by me.  Some left, as expected.  But that's how I 'filter' my clients.
Being independent?  I guess in my situation, it is by force.  I don't choose it.  I just happen to be the only bloody lawyer who is not smart enough and without any family member who is lawyer who can give me full support.  Unlike most of the lawyer who is rich and whose parents are in businesses.  I don't.  But I am not giving up.  I will never give up.  That's what i call, being independent.
- Independent? -

To be or not to be...

For the past few months, many came and asked me the same questions.  Firstly, why am I still using "Kenneth Thien & Associates".  Secondly, why am I not applying to be Bank panel.  Some are lawyers, some are not.  To be honest, I have no answer for that.  I am just pure lazy to put on effort to get the firm name changed I guess.  Whenever I thought of getting the new firm's envelopes, letterhead, signboards, receipt books and account name changed, printed, sorted out... I just don't feel good about it. Further more, I seriously do not know how much things need to be done since the firm name is already known by bankers now, etc.  So, if you ask me if I am establishing my name or Kenneth Thien's name at the moment, I seriously have no idea.  As far as I know, lawyers and court clerks who saw me, they know I am Lin Pei San from Kenneth Thien & Associates. But when my nephew told me he wants to be a lawyer one day....I am now having second thoughts... May be it is really better to put on Lin & Partners? or Lin & Associates? hahaha....
For the second question of why am I not wanting to be bank's penal lawyer? Hmm... good question.  Again, it's another that needs lots of efforts and staffs to be around and past year's experiences told me, I can't cope with both side and so, in order to be 'good lawyer' and 'ethical', I guess, I better say no to conveyancing for the time being.  After all, I am just helping those whom I know with their documentations.  The documentations and dealing with banks... trust me... that's the last thing I want in life. 
A few lawyers who keep telling me I am doing a right choice to keep the firm small.  Well, my principle is this, that, as long as it is not stressing me out and as long as there's money coming in that's enough for me and my future, it's what I call, ENOUGH!  So, I don't need to be greedy and rich.  I don't have a family or children that I need to take care of.  I don't have much burden as my parents are well taken care of.  So, I am seriously trying to enjoy life to the fullest....
Just this week, just when everyone is shouting that business is slow due to the election, ... I am rushing works like crazy.... court matters to be filed one by one.  Preparing for trials, etc.  Apart from that, I am shaking my legs.  Trying to get rid of one or two of the clerks that has nothing much to do. :p So, yes.... from a size of 5 staffs, I am down sizing to 3. hehe... cutting cost and expenses. So, who is richer? Do I need to have  'big firm' in order for me to be call "rich"?
- To be or not to be... -

Efforts, lot of efforts.

Knowing that I went through major depression for a while, many who has their friends and family members who's suffering from it came to look for me for advice.  All of them asked me the same questions, i.e. (a)  Is that mean, it is possible to get it over with? (b)  So, it only take 1 year to get well? (c)  How did you do it?

My answers exactly, "It's not easy. Many efforts had been put on."  I will say, it is extra and extra efforts made.  Just like you got up to a horse for the first time, when your instructor asking you to start trotting.  You wonder if you can do it.  You wonder if your legs will have enough strength, whether you will lose balance and fall down from the horse, etc. etc. etc.  But instead of coping 'physically', you are basically asking a depressed person to cope with depression.  It's not easy because it attached with your feeling.  i.e. you are happy, and you are forcing yourself to be unhappy.  Now, that's easier for you to understand, instead of me saying, if you know you are unhappy, you are forcing yourself to be happy.  Many people thought it's easy to make yourself happy.... but in a depression scenario, you are not doing that.  It's as difficult as when you are happy, you are trying to make yourself unhappy. Yes.  extra efforts needed.
I am blessed enough to have my parents.  Even with my dad's situation, I think he helped the most.  For me to cope, to adjust, to put extra efforts, etc. etc. I am blessed to have managed to moved myself out of my 'comfort' place to go around people I do not know, with or without me liking it or not.  I am glad enough to put efforts to take up a phone to call someone when I cannot stand it.  I am glad to have a good doctor definitely ... for helping me not to rely on medicine.
I am glad I put enough efforts to make sure I got away and distance myself and cut myself off from things, people and places that caused me depressed - church is the greatest.
I am seriously glad to have relatives from all over the world who gave me tons of advises and supports and not seeing me as someone who is mentally sick.
Oh well, I must say, .... there's lot of efforts being taken. Many which needs a lots of help from people around.  I am lucky enough not to have a family, a husband and children that can gave me extra pressures.  I can be rich by now, but i choose not to.  There's just too many adjustment, decision that forms part of the efforts.
There's just too many times, people who are depressed will just let it be ... doesn't want to come out from it. Because being depressed is much easier than climbing out from it.  To snap out from it?  It's not hard, it's not even near hard, it's IMPOSSIBLE.  I just happen to not bothers about what other says about me and walk around, do works, live a life normally, healthily.  If you can't give a helping hands to those depressed people, just walk away and don't bother at all.  Because if you don't, with the 'hope' you gave them initially will discourage them later to a point, they will need extra efforts to get back to the same point.
Until today, I still hope one day, those who caused more hardship to me during the most difficult time of my life will experience at least once in their life.  I wish them good luck in handling then.
Oh well.................it's over. The nightmare is over... and I will make sure I will not get back to that position anymore.

Advancing.....?

Ever since I came back from holiday, I have visited the hospital almost immediately, then attended to a few court matters, then to and fro places, and this is my second day in this month that I can at least sort out things on my table.  Glad to have a great helper in the office now a day to sort things out faster, without delay.... though I am not demanding for more (I am happy with the non-perfection for now at least). 
Oh well, just after I landed, a lawyer from another law firm called, asked if I can assist him for a trial.  Simply because he has never handle a trial before.  I didn't look at how complicated the matter is, and I did not check through what he has done so far, and WITH hesitation, I did accepted the offer simply because (a)  I need more experience myself; and (b) I need extra cash to be debts free.  After I agree, I realised, I don't have much time to prepare, even though I made my way to his office for a few times, few hours.... before the trial.  Realised the case will be before a judge whom know me, I wasn't worry at all, because I too know his style very well.  I am quite sure the other lawyers never have trials before him before.  My case listed the first last year when this judge first came to Sabah. For a 6 days trial, I am sure he knows me very well by now. hahahaha... at least, he knows my name by heart now (don't ask me what sorts of impression I gave him... hahaha...).
Seeing my co-counsel struggles through a few things... I actually feel great.  Because once again, it's confirmed that I am not any worse than anyone.  I am actually quite ok. 
I always neglected my other works, i.e. the conveyancing whenever I am away and/or being stuck in the court room. However, with the great help of my new computer this time, (and of course because I wasn't conducting the trial.  I am just assisting, giving him advice, reminding him what not to forget, etc.) I am coping things wonderfully.  I started to rely on technology though... that's not something great.
Anyway, ever since the end of the first part of the "part time job", I somehow am exhausted.  From Perth, to and fro Tawau, cases, works, meeting clients, etc.... there's just no time for anything else... ! Even my sleeps, has been neglected. Oh well, not too bad, at least, I am near 'debts free' zone.
While I was in my busy schedule, I remember something I wanted to do which haven't been done ... for a long time... i.e.  making application to be Commissioners for Oath.  Don't ask me why I need that, I just think it's necessary. There's just too hard to find one near my area and there's just too many people asking me if I can attest their signatures in the capacity as Commissioners for oath.  So, I hope I will pass the interview and become one soon.
Speaking of advancing, I am also trying to be the Patent Agent and also licensed mediator.  That's the target this year. Wait.. may be not the Patent Agent. It's just too hard.  Sitting for an exam is seriously just not for me.  But I will try to get it by next year.
So, that's what I am advancing to these days....
- Advancing... ? -