New Layout!

I am trying to draw a line in between old and new chapters.  Oh well, we don't usually do that unless something major happen.  But I am drawing it because I have successfully cross over a boundary I wasn't able to for the past 37 years.  Some new achievement in spiritual, in my career, in my life, achievement, emotions, health.  Amazing, with my motto set last year for the year... "Stay alive", I somehow managed to stay alive for the past 7 months.
Great achievement to be able to voice things out and share with great friends about what happen to me.  To be able to share a little bit more about what's my aim, my worries, etc.  A great achievement to be able to put the past behind me and move on.  IT's a great achievement to be able to accept the fact that, it's the church that caused my break down, etc and yet, not blaming it all to them, but to myself, to have such expectation on the church and some leaders of the church.  I should have known when one or two of them told me, pastoral care is to be practice by the priest alone.  It's not something I have known or taught with as a leader for the past 25 years.  Serving in this church is challenging and yet... I am putting a stop to it.
As usual, people who knows me, will know exactly whether what they heard is correct or incorrect.  I hates lies... and for those who lied to me, I am hurt and for those who lied on me, I am feeling even more hurtful.  However, I am drawing this think line now.. to signifies that for the coming future... this will be gone past me like what Jenny Lim did to me.
I will try to keep the motto until the end of the year, with additions sub-motto which states: "- happily" now.  I am happy with my life.  I am contented.  I am satisfied.
I hope this last.
- New Layout! -

The Past

I took a taxi home as usual and as the taxi arriving my place, I saw 2 girls riding bicycles around and one purposely ran over some waters and having fun.  I got down from the taxi and I realised, it's my neighbour's daughter.  I told my mom about it and we laughed because I also told her 25 years ago, i was the only one riding a bicycle at this neighbourhood as the area was not fully developed yet.  We ponder for a while how fast time flies. hahaha... Somehow, dad had connection with the developer and we move in before even we have a telephone line and electricity provided.  Oh well... it's Tawau. hahaha...
- The Past -

Random Thoughts

I have been having random thoughts lately... even in my sleeps... yeah.. dream has came to me ever since I started to take medication.  Yeah... bad dream is one of the side effect of the medication.  Hence, getting a quality sleep is almost impossible these days.... even though I need it. Weird ai? haha...
Well, for the past 2 weeks, I was rushing like crazy for works ... litigation works are really sucks.... and stressful.  I was scare i missed out certain things and didn't manage to file things on time, etc. etc.  Anyway, so far, everything went well, except, more and more cases to be attend.  I was telling one of the people I met that I am free to go for holiday any time... and so, I should... while I can. Yes.  Business is top priority now since I do not have anything else to occupy me.
I have been having lots of thoughts about emotional reliance.  Some people think I was too attached to some people previously and that's why I had certain expectation towards them and so, when expectation not met, I collapsed.  Oh well, no one would really expect their close friends to left them during the hardest moment of their life.  Coping with new things in life, newly found sicknesses, financial burdens, change of job, ... I was completely left having my own self and me alone with the problems.  In a way, I am actually glad to be able to find out they are not really true friends of mine.  But speaking of emotional reliance... I guess everyone of us needs it.  Be it at the time of difficulties or otherwise.  I can't blame anyone for everything happens because as bad as I was affected emotionally and lost of the emotions reliance, I guess everyone was affected emotionally through my emotional disturbance too.  In a way, who are out there who can tell me you are better than me when it comes to dealing with emotions now a day? Trust me, if you were in my position, I guarantee you were worse than me.  By watching the HK series, I realised, that's what exactly I was lack of, suddenly... in a glimpse of eyes... ! I am not losing just one husband or ... just one person in my life. I have lost EVERYONE in my life. All of a sudden, I am, or my emotions are being left empty.  Everyone just telling me, they have more things to do then be my emotional support.  Everyone rather scarify me.  Of course, who am I right? Understood.
I am 37 years this year.  My bank account has less than RM1,000.00 and I have debts more than 450K.  What exactly have I achieved, I asked... none... not even a friend I gained from 37 years of life.  After so many years of serving God faithfully, I was being abandoned completely by church and leaders of the church during the hardest time in my life.  However, someone told me just a while ago, that her dad passed away at the age of 33 and we have exceeded that age now... and we still have 'time' to do more than what he achieved. Of course, we both doubted we can.. hahaha...
How much longer will I lives? I wonder... some of you heard this from me before.  I will make sure I die before I can't walk or insane.  hahaha.. yes.  Since my immune system is getting weaker and weaker each day due to the sicknesses, .... I guess, I need to start to do what I plan to do soon.  I am already walking with clutches now... I better make sure I do the work before I sit on the wheelchair.
Do you know not many people has the privilege to kill themselves?  You don't believe... then you should come and visit my dad... and then you will know exactly what it meant by you are so down that you want to kill yourself and yet you can't ... . and yes, you need the gut too.  How many can put a knife through your body like I did? It brings lots of satisfaction after I did it though... it's like a great achievement.  I am sure not many understand this. haha...
Yup, those were in my thoughts lately.  Oh.. and that includes... how many more months can my firm last? hehe.. after this month... I can't see anything coming in, unless EK has started bringing me businesses. Oh well, ... it's time to pray!
Pray... hmm... that's interesting.  I have been praying for the past 37 years... and why do I have the feeling that it's not helping much? Hmm... interesting.  May be it is just a 'force' to make sure we achieve what we prayed for. haha... I don't know.  I know nothing these days.
- Random thoughts -

Misunderstanding?

If you want to know how I was misunderstood, especially when I was 'emotional'? hehe... you should really watch episode 4 of the new HK series and wonder why she's keep playing the Cello and disregard everyone else's interest, anger, etc.  Everyone misunderstood her ... and that's how exactly I was being misunderstood.  We often being misunderstood no matter how 'well' or 'sane' you are... well, the thing is, no one is being clinically proven that you are sane. hahaha... and everyone has emotional problem.  I used not to be able to even 'FEEL' anything.  But suddenly, I was so irritates and felt so terrible... that's the warning sign I had.  Unable to cope... the FEELING over took my sanity. Man... i was just like watching myself there. I can feel the pain she's feeling too. How did I get well? haha... continue with the HK series, you will know. ...
- misunderstanding? -

How does it feels and looks like?

When my parents first heard from me that i am suffering from depression and anxiety disorder, first thing   they asked was, "how do you?".  A question i wish i can answer. It's so difficult to answer.  I don't think i suffer anxiety recently. For years, i have difficulties in walking in to a shop to buy things i want, even newspaper.  If someone ask me to approach a waiter or to ask someone something, this fear, discomfort will set in.  Hence, i have difficulties even to go out alone or eat alone at a restauran.t. No one seems to believe me. Well, more so, when it comes from a litigation lawyer who has to cope with people, nasty opponent and clients, judges, etc. Only God knows how much struggles i need to get through in everyday's life.
Watching this recent HK series, i am reminded of what sort of emotions i need to deal with last year when i finally broke down without control as the 'help', the 'pillar' and the ONLY comforts i had , i.e.Vanessa and Debbie had not only collapsed, but had put on more for me to go through.  I was telling someone that, chung ka yan in the HK series is much better because she has her dad and uncle with her to give her 100% support and at least they won't force her to do things she can't do or handle. At least no one will shout at her or challenge her emotions to the maximum.
When i saw the scene where she needs time and she ran to the toilet and needed her space.... i was reminded of the days and months i was not only not have my space, but being forced to deal with things i couldn't....and yet, with all these, comes with interrogations, dad's stroke, to accept my own sicknesses, unable to work, finances, being forced to buy over the 1/2 shares of the condo, being left and forgotten by friends (now acquaintance), etc, etc.
Looking back, i am again back to the old me .... to secure myself, i will never put any more steps towards knowing anyone else, i.e. now more new friends, no more reaching out to the others. i wish i have a rich dad that i don't have to work and remain sick. hahaha..
A friend who was the first one discovered that i might be suffering from depression has somehow been checking on me, even without me noticing. i guess technology is what she is good at.... haha... well, amazingly, she always manage to track me, with the right way.... and well, guess she's the one who has made my Austrlia trip ended without flying plane!!! she got my cousin worried i think.  And guess what she is doing now...assigning me to go look and comforts our other friends in Tawau more, says her, because i am not married and i am free. hahaha.... so, she said whenever i am thinking of dying, i should give my friend a call to see if she is alright. Yes, this friend is facing lots more than i am now....that's why.!
Seriously, as much as others trying to know me these days, only a handful of course...less than 5, i too...am trying to know myself more.  It's tougher then reading laws. hahahaha....
So, if you really want to know how i feel? watch the first few episode of this new HK series.. you will get a hint.
- how does it feels and looks like?-

Total Loss!

It's huge lesson, not for anyone, not for everyone... but I do somehow has the privileges to experience this ... from God of course.  It took me years to get over with the issues of losing EVERYTHING belonging to me in England when the cargo was declared has been destroyed in a shipping accident.  I remember that was the first time my mother called and calm me down before telling me the 'bad news'.  And to make sure I was ok, she called my brother to call me.  3 years properties, that includes all my assignments, my awards, my belonging, all those gifts, memories, photos, books, etc. etc.  You name it.  Pain... that pain...! It took years to slowly adapt and accept the fact... and only after years when I started to forget what's in the 2 big boxes.  That was the first experience of how I lost everything that I took as the most precious in my life.  After the incident, everyone said I have turned into someone who doesn't care much about things and people around me. I agreed because it taught me that nothing last forever, ... especially tangible things.  Nothing last.... and of course, i guess that's the main reason why all relationship matters falls apart too.  I can't seems to trust anyone, anything, any situation....
After losing everything and start from having 1 laptop and some clothes, I started to look at life on different angle. All these of course started with how God 'found' me again when I was in England and how He moves me back to Malaysia, with my step of faith of course.  It's challenging journey instead.
Last year, God made me lost everyone, every single people I treasure and love so much in a few months time. It's even more challenging that the "pre-warning total lost".  What I treasure a lot? (a)  Church life, (b) my dad (c) certain close and supportive friends (d) my own sound mind/myself.  Yes.  I lost them all.  First with the departure of Kiat Ping.  A best and awesome and supportive friend whom I can always relied on and whom I had relied on for the past 15 over years.  Be it I was in England, or back in KL, his "presence" through the internet (mRIC then), etc, and physical presence has somehow cause a huge support in my life.  Losing him is unbearable.  If you wonder why I know so much about computers and all, all credits goes to him, including hacking and all.  I remember how he manage to send a motherboard to me from Malaysia just to get my computer fixed while I was in England, with detail instruction given. Musics, etc that was sent to me so that I won't feel bored. How can I forget? Other friends who left me because of my sicknesses all at once (Not only those in KK, but also everywhere... great ai?), losing my dad who can give me advices, etc. (but he still remains the best support I have still), I am basically left with no one around me.  Not to mention of course losing my partners at work, a church, a group of church friends... etc. Well, at least i know who is my true and real friend now.. none!
I wonder for a long while why He makes me losing everyone, everything....
No. I never lose my focus on Him.  Don't judge too soon ... I have never forgotten why I am back here for and what makes me come back here for.  I can't seems to understand how does the 2 relates, but I can tell you now is that, I survive until now even with 2 times of total loss! But how long can I last? I really don't know. hahaha...  of course no one knows. hahaha...
- Total Loss! -

Two sides of a story!

After being a litigation lawyer for the past 7 years, I realised.... many contentious matter in court are due to misunderstanding, from a minor misunderstanding, it has rolled and rolled and rolled and has turned to be a major misunderstanding... each party's lawyer only gets one side of the story, which is their client's story.  The procedure however, will leads us all to disclose facts and particulars at one stage of the matter, which is when the case is almost reach the trial date... and only then, both parties lawyers will have a full picture of what's going on and how to advice their clients to settle instead of going to full trial.  Of course, some lawyer will stick on and rather go for full trial as it will cost more.  But that's generally, not how I practice.  I usually try to help my clients to solve their 'problem' instead of argue until the end and get broke (hence I am not a very 'good' lawyer and people says, I 'spoil' the market).  

I remember a year or 2 ago, people has been hearing nothing from me nor seeing me, but rumours about me, was travels as far as England, UK, Australia, New Zealand... etc. etc. Just like an international news, .... most of those who knows me well, know that the rumours WERE and remain as rumours and it's nothing true. Those we believes, ... I can only say, they are as 'fake' as those who spread the rumours. There are always 2 sides of 1 story, or sometimes, more than 2.  Even in a murder case, ... there's always another side of the story, hence, provocation, insanity, intoxication, could be one of the defence for murder.  When one manage to raise any of those, sentence will be reduced.  i.e.  it is a way to say, their action is reasonable in certain degree.  Hence, from a lawyer's point of view, I won't believe in one side of the story.  Even judges wants to listen to both sides of the story to make their judgment and decision.  Witnesses will be called, evidence will be tendered/admitted, etc.  Even with witnesses seeing things happen, without them knowing what make the person has such reaction, will only means, there's actus reas, ... 

A friend recently told me she had a big argument with her husband and she admitted, sometimes... it's her that caused him to get angry.  She agrees that, sometimes, it is people who made us goes insane and reacted differently.  Hence, the cause, the what lawyer calls, the law of causation is important.  I remember hitting a friend as young as I was in primary 4 because he teased me so badly that I ended up hitting him a few times until he stops.  I call that provocation.  It doesn't matter how good or bad you can control your mind.  Everyone has a limit.  You won't get angry with certain things, doesn't mean I can handle that.  When I said, "stop shouting at me".  I means it and you don't need to see how far I can go in order for you to make a stop in it.  If warning is given, just stop doing it.  You don't need to know the history behind.  All you need to do when you are given warning is to stop shouting.  

So, what's with Pastor Kong Hee and Bishop Vun? Are you hearing one side of the story or all sides? I don't know.  I am not going to judge too.  I am just feeling sad that sometimes, because we did not legalised 'good intention', ... things turned out badly.  Is 2/3 agreement on AGM or EGM is good enough? Are these documented properly? I am sad not because of what they did.  I am sad because many see them a 'model' and not Jesus.  No will take Jesus seriously anymore... all see churches, leaders.... etc. as their example, their model ... it's sad.  Now, are you seeing a different direction and 'side' of this story?

I really hope there's less and less people judging... but more people who work for Him.... 

-Two sides of a story! -