Giving up or moving on?

When it comes to life, and different phases of life, everything that we decided to do, or not to do, are subjective. There's always a reason(s) behind why someone act, do, reacted, responded in the way they do.  In a very Malaysia mentality, people tend to follow the majority and always think what they prefer, should apply to others too.  i.e. they think they know the best and they will make sure you follow EXACTLY they ask you to.  My mother is no different from a typical Malaysian and to her, I am the rebellious one because I don't listen to her and she often gets agitated and frustrated because I refused to listen to her.  Unfortunately, I am not a cow or a pet of her.  I have my own thinking and not because of disrespect, but I do decide things that are best for me.  "Sorry, mum, I don't want to be another you.  Even though you probably think you are the most successful person in the world".  

People always make their judgement on others based on just what they know and see, without trying to know the full details of it.  That's the saddest thing to Malaysia mentality or humankind in general.  Many people think it is a must to have certain things and possession in life to be categorised as successful.  To me, that's nonsense.  Yes.  I am being judgemental myself here too. 

What applauded me sometimes is when I saw someone comment IMMEDIATELY that the one who committed suicide is weak.  Oh, come on, ... not like you know how much efforts he/she had put up.  Not like you know what happened and how tough his/her life was.  You only saw the news that he/she died. Or worse, some think immediately that so and so is not rich today because they have not put on enough efforts.  Come on, not everyone has a golden key when they were born, or a smart brain when they were born.  Not everyone is like you, to begin with.  Be fair.  Some people came to me and said "you won't understand me because you are a lawyer" or they will say something like, "It is because you are rich enough that you can go to England for holiday".  hahaha.. seriously.... going to England (and why England) for a holiday (or not?) or I want to be a lawyer or not?  How hard I tried to be one, or not, understand your situation or not, was in your situation before or not, you DO NOT KNOW.   If you think I have a smart brain, you are wrong.  If you think my parents have the money to send me to Uni in England by choice, you are wrong.  If you think I study full time all these years, you are wrong.  If you think I passed CLP easily you are wrong, you think going through pupillage in 2 places was easy, you are wrong. You think I did not put up shits to get where I am, you are wrong.  If you think because I am rich and therefore I go to England for holiday, you are so wrong.  If you think I am where I am, you are wrong.  and if you think my future is bright, you are WRONG too.  

There are also reasons why I do things the way it is, such as why I do not have a partner in my firm, why don't I hire Legal Assistant? Why do I have to operate my firm in a house? Why do I lives in the condominium and not the house? Why I wear trousers most of the time? Why do I have attending social functions? Why do I go to England often? Why am I using Mac, Why am I not married, why this and that, there are all valid reasons (at least to me).  But how many people really care and wanted to find out?

I used to hear people say I give up life too easily.  I was once suffering from major depression and yet people think that I am too weak too.  haha.. but how many realised how tough life was for me in the past 26 years at least?  They only commented and being judgmental when they see me suffer, but never try to be there for me when I needed them.  So when they want to now 'take charge' of my life, why should I be bothering them? and there it goes, they said I am not opening up for seeking help. hahahaha. That's the joke of the year.  I needed help, but to someone who is able to help, not someone who appears out of nowhere and being judgmental.  I seriously do not need these people in my life.  Ever since then, which probably 10 years now, that I finally get to filtered people around me into a different category.  I always thank God for that moment, for me to identify who is worth my time spending with them. Those who know me well, even though I failed many times to pick myself up and vented, know somehow I will bounce back and I will try harder.  Those who don't know me well, they just saw the 'failure' i had and gave up.  

Seriously, I am proud of myself for achieving so much today.  Regardless if it falls into your category of success or not. IT doesn't matter to me because I am fulfilling my list, not yours.  Am I moving on? Oh yes, I am.  Even though I might be physically less healthy than anyone else, but I am.  I might be disappointed, discouraged and not motivated at times, but I haven't given up yet.  

- Giving up or moving on? - 

Surprising discovery

I rescheduled my appointment with the dr. last week because I was attending a Mediation Course by AMC on a last-minute basis because the Sessions Court has rescheduled my Trial this week to June 2021.  It was somehow a relief because I realised there's so much I need to prepare beforehand and I really did not want to proceed with the Trial via Zoom.  It was the request of the Plaintiff's Solicitors for the postponement and obviously, I agreed to it too.  So, yes, we do have some time now until June to prepare and I better make sure I got everything ready by April.  

Even though I think there's no need for me to go for the med review because I just had a thorough check and scan before CNY, I didn't want to lose the chance to be checked by a specialist anyway.  So, I rescheduled it for this week and I am glad I went.  

Seriously, within 6 months, everything can go so wrong with my health.  I can agree that I am never good health-wise, but with all that I have been trying to be healthy, looks like it's going to be in vain nevertheless.  At least, that's what I feel after the review.  Disappointed, dismay, depressed, discouraged and angry are probably the feeling that I can be described in words.  Emotionally, I am challenged and spiritually, I asked, why, Lord, why?  As many would answer me that it is not my time yet to go, I always asked, "how do you know?" Seriously, I don't think anyone has any definitive answer to that question but instead of death, I actually asked - why do I have to go through all this 'suffering' instead. I am ok with death, to be honest, but not the suffering part that I have been trying to 'limit' and control.  

EXACTLY what my realisation when my mind reached the control part.  What did I try to do again? Me, controlling my own health and future? Now that sounds wrong.  Where is God? Isn't what I need to do is to let Him be the one who controls my life, my health and my future? Since when did I ever think I can have control of my life?  Suddenly, I find myself like Jonah, who complained and angry about God who let the tree that grew overnight died.  Yes.  Exactly what I feel - Jonah and his grumbling. 

I took a day off today (even though I am in the office) to meditate on Him, reflecting on what's going on and how I should and can align my focus on Him rather than myself.  A friend whom I share prayer request with every week however reminded me that, I was asked to pray about "submissive, trusting in His Will and Plan" this week and I thought this is exactly what I asked God to help me to learn and that's exactly what I am learning now - relying on Him in my life, submissive, trusting His Will and Plan for me.  There's no coincident.  My prayer is, therefore, instead of full healing, is to trust Him for His faithfulness, His mercy and grace.  I believe, if I keep asking for mercy and grace, I will not suffer much from all these.  If it is my time to leave, it is my time to leave (and yes, I don't need to worry about covid and what happened after that too).  

God has an amazing way to 'connect' with His people, especially people He loves.  It's amazing how He wants me to connect with Him, in different ways every single week.  It just makes me feels that He is so close and alive. Now, I am looking forward to unveiling what He can do and will do to me next, regardless of what it is.  It is time to say, let the man be a man and God be God.  Never start trying to be God. 

.. and this is a lifetime challenge - 

- Challenge - 

Another year of mercy and grace.

 2020 has been a difficult year for everyone. The differences is only the degree of difficulties one faced.  I personally find things challenging when my mom was sick and not well and that she has been staying with me at KK since August 2020.  The fact that we have been living a separate life for the past 26 years contributed to that difficulties to cope, but we both do know however that we won’t have such a chance like this that comes by easy.  If not because of the pandemic and if not because of she was sick, we wouldn’t have this chance to know each other better.  There’s so much to learn about staying with my mom.  Being someone who is stubborn by nature, always selfish and dominant, it’s so difficult for her to do the odd, even though there’s no alternative choice for her.  Knowing that she’s upset, I couldn’t help her to adjust herself to fit into the situation easily.  It’s pain to the both of us, but we move on.  Time somehow helped her to come by with her senses and she fit it much better than the first few months.  

2020 is not an easy year and yet we got through it with lots of thanksgiving to be counted, which probably last for a lifetime.  Despite the difficulties, I am glad because of my sickness, my situation, my constant travelling, I have always put my work in what I call, the mobile mode.  As long as you have an email, you have skype, facetime, zoom, whatsapp, telegram, there’s no way that you are unable to find me or connect with me.  I am ‘available’ in the online platform all the time. Existing clients know how to get me or to make appointment with me.  New clients can find me through website and fb.  I am just a phone call away and all you need is to send me the docs and I can sort things out for you.  That’s my mobile mode.  So, regardless if I am in London or in Edinburgh, Interlaken or Timbuktu, you will be able to connect with me. I guess most of my existing clients know about this and so, works didn’t stop during the lockdown since March even though I did have a fruitful and wonderful break the whole March.  I did managed somehow to caught up with bible reading/studying and feeding myself with lots of books, readings, and listening of God’s words.  Amazing time which I find that I am so blessed.  The other amazing thing is that ever since I left London in January 2020, I somehow feels like I am still with those in All Soul’s Langham because I still abel to attend their services and get connected with them.  What a blessing it is to have this pandemic and lockdown. 

I thought I did have less income in 2020 but my auditor just told me last year that in fact, I did better than 2018 and 2019.  I told her that I am however worry about 2021 but she said, I always got though the year as if God is watching me and providing and so she said, she is not worry.  Seriously, i don’t know.  I don’t even know if I have any collection next month, but I guess I can’t do much except pray and have faith in Him.  Looking back at 2020, I can only say, “why do I need to worry? Even 2020, He has brought me through”.  

2020 has taught me lots, including counting the blessing despite facing difficulties and unprecedented situation, which future was and still unknown.  I got through 2 birthday now since January 2020 and I have to say i really thank God for His mercy and grace upon me.  I don’t know what’s next, but I pray and trust that He will lead me through step by step.  

Just this week, while being busy preparing for Trial in a week time, the Judge has decided to rescheduled the Trial to June.  I always unable to cope well with sudden change of plan or schedule.  This time, it’s the same except, I feel kind of relief, for no reason because I have prepared everything by now and I wanted the trial to proceed so I can collect some fund before month end.  I went to office with the not knowing what to sort next kind of mood this morning and I was reminded by a friend that, now that the Trial is rescheduled, I might be able to join the Mediation Course next week that I always intended to join.  I quickly look into the email and saw that the deadline to register was 2 days ago and nevertheless, I still contacted Sabah Law Society, told them I am interest but with 2 issues.  1.  deadline to register is over 2. I have 3 hearings next week.  They person in charged made enquiry for me and I was allowed to attend the court with exceptions for 3 sessions to attend court hearing.  I must say, they have organised 3 times now for this course and each time, it cost about RM6K, except this time, which is only RM3K.  Isn’t God’s timing the best? I have no idea why I am given such privilege (may be partly because i am senior lawyer, and partly because i am a Associates Arbitrator), but I am glad that He leads the way.  

Today’s matter just reminded me that all i need is to trust Him in every step. He will arrange. Everything is in His hand.  I am glad that my life and connection  or relationship with God has again reached the level just like when i was in University the last couple of years. I am glad He has sent me so many christian friends whom always been an encouragement to me in my walk with God.  Indeed, who am I if I do not have God?  I am glad He is a faithful God who will never leave me. I can’t wait to open my eyes everyday just to know what He has prepare for me to discover.  Be it good or tough time, Lord, have mercy and grace upon me.  Guide each of my step, i pray.  

- Another year of mercy and grace -