Lack of compassion?

Oh well, this happen few hours back where my cousin sister told me about someone passed away in front of another cousin.  She does sound 'solemn'... but unfortunately, i wasn't taking it seriously.  hahaha... to a point, i did answered: "oh, dead is it?".  Then both cousins wanted to laugh and asked me why put it so 'rude'.  I laughed out loud... and explained that "Death means death, what's to solemn and sad about?" and there burst out in laughters.
Is this lack of compassion? I used to feel sad for family members of those who passed away, but ever since I was so near to death before, I don't feel anything to be sad about when it comes to death.  In fact, that's relief.  Anyway, i have learned not to be so 'compassionate'.... anymore. No more such 'stupid feeling'.  Hence, people can now refer divorces cases, and other litigation matters to me.  I don't have a feeling anymore.
I do have someone whom i know being introduced by another lawyer to me.  The lawyer told me I might know them and she doesn't want to accept the case because she knows both of them.  But I never seems to have that problem about handling your friends' divorce.  When I was told the 2 are planning for a divorce, I don't feel a thing, except, "Great, more income this month!". hahahaha....
So, if you ask me what am I focusing these days? REALITY.
I have a lawyer helping me these days.  But unfortunately, she's like whom I was .... and i couldn't stand anymore because of that characters and attitudes.  I demanded her to be more realistic and practical. Be a lawyer who can earn and accumulate profits.  Not stay on 'principles'.  I am sure she is not agreeing with me on this, but who cares? hahahahahaha.....
Lacking of compassion these days? I guess so.  It just makes me easier to survive.
While we were talking about the deceased and her son just now, I was very surprise to know that all my cousins dislike her son.  I was even shocked to know that he walked passed my cousin when he saw her.  I guess it's a fact as to 'whom' side of the story they believe after all, even though I never tell my side of the story. I don't think that's necessary at all. hahaha... time can clarify things.
So, my aunt is the closest to the deceased.  But seems like she's also not bothering much... hmm... what to do? We had a feast this evening. We are still MORE important. hehe...
Am I lack of compassion? I don't think so.  I think I am only being reality.  Treat people the same way they treated me. :)
- Lack of compassion? -

Remembering my dad....

I guess, even though I have been away from home for more than 15 years, my life somehow cannot be separated with my parents.  I am 'labelled' as my dad's princess all the time.  Everywhere I go, people will know who I am in town.  Somehow, it's frustrated... but without knowing.... it will remains in me for the rest of my life because that 'cop' ... is 'installed' me forever.
Amazingly, I am still having all the kitchen accessories bought by my parents when I first arrived here in Kota Kinabalu.  They came 2 weeks after my arrival, just to get me to go around to get all necessary things purchased.  Not that they not know I can do all these myself.... since I have been by then alone in UK for 3 years, alone in KL for 8 years.  But they just still see me as their little girl.  I guess I will forever only bear the name of 'daughter' to them.... regardless how old I am.
So, when things went really wrong and bad, I guess I really got them so worry about me.  Knowing that I can handle it and waiting for me to get over it and get it sorted, somehow, needs a lot of patience. Even when my dad had suffered stroke and needs care, etc.  he has never give up.  Without him being suffering from stroke, I don't know I get over with all these.  He has been with me for the whole period of time... which I am really thankful and grateful for.  Speaking of love, I guess he has given me more than 100%. His last concern before he went unconscious was whether anyone is picking me up from the airport.
And so, i promise him that I will not give up.  I will strike for the best to run this race... until the end, accordingly to His Will.  Not mine.  So, no matter how much I dislike the churches these days, the leaders, etc.  I am still getting myself close to God.  I will not give up.
My return to home to visit my parents every 2 weeks each time is to update him on my progress.  He has been supporting me emotionally and psychologically. My dad... today, I just being reminded of how much he spent time praying for me.
He knee down and prayed for me every single night before sleep for at least an hour (according to my mom).  Knowing that my life was born in such a way that I need to go through so much trials in life, ... he prays harder and more for me.  I love you dad... and I do miss talking with me.  And yes, uncle J will definitely bully us if you are able to defence us.
- Remembering my dad... -

Revealing....

It's weird, in two weeks time, many were surprised to find out that I have fully recovered from my major depression months ago and I have stopped taking medicine for dunno how long now. Everyone thought I am still having the med can going for review and I am still not well, etc.
Fortunately and unfortunately, they all found out I have not been taking any med for months now.  Oh, and that includes my mom. hahahahahahaha.....
Yeah, I guess, I just didn't bother to 'announce' to the world of the recovery. No big deal really.... at least to me.  hahahaha...
For those who knew someone who just committed suicide last saturday and and admitted to hospital, and who have known I have recovered, did asked me about how I get out from it. Oh well, .... did i went for church counselling? Did I involve myself more in prayer, etc... answer: NO.  I just being me (the original me before I get sick) and remember all my doctors' advice :  One step at a time.  It was not easy if you ask me.  If you ask me if i can get out from it by my own? Obviously not.  Thanks for those who has constantly remember me in your prayer, occasionally text me or call me, and God who went angles around me for a year plus.
I knew many who suffered for years and never get well.  I know that 'pain'.  I recognised the 'unacceptable' and 'uncontrollable' pains.... when it came in, ... I truly understand that feeling and how much one want to just end it for the sake of releasing themselves from that pains.... I understand how much people who have just walked away not wanting us to be their friends anymore because of the sickness.  I understand how much pain it is to need to cope with both the pains and also the additional of losing loves one around us because of the sickness.  But just like what bible says about love in this world.... and guess that's what it draws me closer to God still....
Everyone can leave us .... anyone, everyone.... whoever ... except God.  I am glad despite my dad had a stroke, he gone through the hardest moment of my life with me.  Can't get out of it if not because of him. Can't get out of it if not because of God who no matter how much I tried not to bother about Him, He has been showing me His amazing, faithful and unconditional love.
Life, after all these... has a different meaning to me ...ever since.
So, if you ask me about living life in this world.... don't expect I will give you a 'general' answer.
In gist, we don't give up if God hasn't...
- Revealing... -

Relationship?

Interestingly only old friends asked me about this. People either worry about me or they just simply think I am too busy with other things. Oh we'll, I am not denying the fact that I have been too busy with other things and relationship, after few Attempts, I have sort of given up. 

Unlike many who thought I do not care much about relationship, relationship can be detrimental to me and my life. It took Me away from other things all together. Life is better without any to be serious. 

After the last one, I am sort of having a few 'offer', but unfortunately, the older I am, the harder I am to get involved. And one has to be really good and much better than me in order for me to feel loved. Oh dear, standard gets higher and higher.... At least the person's brain has to be 'better' than mine. I don't wanna communicate with people who is just think like my nephew and niece. If you understand what I meant...

Childish is the last issue I want to deal with. Hahaha....

So, ya..... It's really not about i cannot find someone who likes me. It's more like there's hardly anyone whom I can communicate with or no one who is good for me. 

Either they have all the knowledges of the world or they are just too spiritual or there's no one who has both. 

And with the amount if time I have been traveling... I am seriously glad I do of have to cope with relationship. 

- relationship -