My perception v. Other's expectation

I am not sure when was the last time this phrase came across my mind. I guess it was floating in my mind for some time now and that's why it was 'triggled' when one of this word was told.

I am a person who will care for other's interest more than myself especially on certain issue. My brother who used to be my Pastor reminded me once that I can be TOO responsible for things given to me. I somehow give myself so much of burden, pressure in fulfilling my 'task'. I guess he's right and in order not to 'hurt' myself so much in that, I have learned not to take things too seriously. (Some of you do know how much things and people hurted me in the past) It has for a while now that I have not really care for things and/or people around me. If you ask me what I want now, I probably will say the same, that is " I need a break", "Don't disturb me", "Leave me alone". Of course as some of you know... I probably have more than enough of those and it's time to 'work' again. I took up the responsibility, walked for a while and I am seriously feeling tired. I am down with flu AGAIN... can't remember how many times I got that since I feel 'tired' with things around me.

A direction that I thought is my direction has changed and I started to question why am I here for. To be stabbed, hurted, discouraged, disappointed by people arounds me? I can understand different people do have different direction, wishes, aim, or whatever you call it. But with all these you are doing, I am just asking... that you try not to 'hurt' people around you? Perhaps, not to be selfish SOME time?

Yes, you probably will say, perhaps all these are just my perception instead of your expectation. I do hope too. I too have feeling that's sensitive at time and when things like that imposed with or without intention and when it caused me to have that feelings as if it is your expectation, it's just not good.

Or... may be it's all started from my own expectation. i.e. I probably expect some to take care of the visitor in the cell. I probably expect some nurture their own friends. I probably expect some take care of themselves. I probably expect someone has the same perspective, etc. etc. May be, I shouldn't expect and just work things out myself? Is that what people expect that from me? I am doing it anyway... if you are not calling it your expectation, what else?

The funniest thing is, after I have done something, people don't really appreciate it... and more so, they 'apply salt to your wounds' some how. My perception too? Whatever...

- my perception v. other's expectation -

Emotional!

I realise I can be so emotional lately. I can be affected so easily by words and conduct of some people. I can affected badly when people 'attacking' me in general. Be it a joke or just an unintentional word.

I read a blog yesterday morning and for a few seconds, I was shocked and after the shocked, I am feeling disappointed. It's hurt somehow when people expect too much from me and/or from the cell group I am leading. I have heard the same comment again and again and seriously, I am feeling discouraged. Those who complain, they come to 'receive' and whenever they come, they came with expectation. When it is not fulfilled or didn't reach his/her expectation, they always think it is other's fault. Speaking of being left out, I guess the ONLY person being left out in the group is me. For a year plus I keep on hearing people 'complaining' that I didn't give much attention to them, I didn't spend time with them, I am not close to them anymore, etc. etc. etc. How many do come by and ask how I am instead? Did I ever complain? A cell group contains all sorts of people and some just happen to have an 'angry at all time' face, some just have the "I am proud" face and so what? That's the reason why we are here in the cell. To learn to be like Jesus. To love one another. If it is an easy task, do you think God will set it as a commandment?

To many, I am not sure if I am just too 'convenient' to be 'used'. May be I seldom say "No" to whatever request they have. I always thought I am happy whenever others are happy, but I guess lately I just need to make my stands firm, i.e. that I too is a human being. I can't be 'used' at all time. I too have time when I need something, when I feel like doing something and don't feel like doing something. Yes, I could be more 'flexible' than you are, but it shouldn't mean I am OK with EVERYTHING. Yes, sometimes, I do understand words meant to be joke, but do bear in mind, I too sometimes cannot accept jokes and sometimes, I am fine with it. There are too some issues that I could be sensitive about and some which I don't really care about at all.

I just have to apologise to those who were in my car last night. I was feeling not well and I was hungry, tired, stressful too. When all those come at the same time, I just don't want to get you all involve in any accident if I go through the hills therefore I decided to take a longer but straight road. I even sacrified my hunger for your safety and at the end I realise not only that you don't appreciate it, but also to blame me for taking up your time on the road unnecessarily. Well, may be you still think I shouldn't got into that extent of anger. I guess it's all accumulative stress, hunger, tiredness and so on that you have 'triggled' out with just a few unintentional words. My defence remain: Provocation. Althought it's a defence, but I am still guity as charged and responsible for what I did. Hence, my apologise to you all.

- emotional! -

Some explaination!

Last week, my friend and I were busy with getting our air tickets booked and purchased for the Mission Trip in mid June. Things went well and we are now busy preparing the sharing materials instead. On top of that, I also purchased a return ticket to Tawau for the Election. I wasn't a good citizen for years as I was oversea during the previous years' election and shamefully, I shall tell you that I have never voted since I registered myself in year 1996. It seems like I have been away from my home country for a long long time. Therefore, to fulfil my duty as a good citizen of Malaysia, I have purchased a ticket to go home just to vote. Don't ask me who am I going to vote because I still have no idea who are the candidates are in Tawau. hahaha.... and the funniest thing is that, I am not voting for the area where I am staying now, but some other places. It's funny and I always wonder why is that so.

*************************************************************************************************

Oh well, for the past few months, a few people have asked the similar questions and I have no idea how to answer them in full as it is so difficult for a human brain to understand spiritual thing at most time. Well, let me put this out to enlighten some of you here on what I understand Anglican sacraments are: -

Like other churches in the Catholic tradition, the Anglican Communion recognises the importance of partaking in the sacraments to liturgy, sanctification, and salvation.

Anglicans recognise two sacraments - Baptism and the Holy Eucharist - as having been ordained by Christ ("sacraments of the Gospel," as Article XXV of the Thirty-Nine Articles describes them). As such, they are the only two considered necessary for salvation. Five other acts are regarded variously as full sacraments by Anglo-Catholic Anglicans or as "sacramental rites" by evangelical Anglicans, with varied opinion among broad church and liberal Anglicans.

Altogether, the seven are:
Baptism
Holy Eucharist (also called Holy Communion or Mass or, less frequently, the Lord's Supper)
Confession and absolution
Confirmation (in Eastern Catholic Churches and the Orthodox Church, equivalent to chrismation)
Holy Matrimony
Holy Orders (also called Ordination)
Anointing of the Sick (also called Healing or Unction.)

Characteristics of sacraments
As defined by the 16th Century Anglican divine, Richard Hooker, a sacrament is "an outward and visible sign of an inward and spiritual grace." It thus has the effect of conveying sanctification on the individual participating in the sacramental action. Sacraments have both form and matter. A form is the verbal and physical liturgical action, while the matter refers to any material objects used (e.g., water and chrism in baptism; bread and wine in the Eucharist, etc.). Not all the ritual and objects used in sacramental worship can be defined as the form and matter — the necessities are articulated in the rubrics of Anglican prayer books.
A rite that has the intended sacramental effect is a valid sacrament. Anglicans hold that only a priest properly ordained by a bishop or a bishop consecrated by other bishops can perform valid sacramental actions (the exception is baptism, which can be performed by a layperson in cases of emergency). To be validly ordered, all Anglican clergy must be ordained and/or consecrated by bishops whose own consecration can be traced to the Apostles (see Apostolic succession). Anglicans differ as to whether the sacraments received from clergy who are not ordained in this tradition have been validly performed and received.
Three of the seven sacraments may be received only once in a lifetime because they make an indelible sacramental character on the recipient's soul: baptism, confirmation, and ordination to a particular order (for example, a person who has been ordained a deacon can be ordained a priest, but cannot again receive the diaconal ordination).

Baptism
Baptism is the sacrament by which one is initiated into the Christian faith. The sacrament thus has the effect of receiving the individual into the household of God, allowing them to receive the grace of the other sacraments. The matter consists of the water and chrism, and the form are the words of baptism (the Trinitarian formula). The intention of baptism is threefold: a renunciation of sin and of all that which is opposed to the will of God (articulated by vows); a statement of belief in God, Father, Son, and Holy Spirit (articulated by the recitation of the Apostles' Creed or Nicene Creed); and a commitment to follow Christ as Lord and Saviour (again, signified by vows). The effect of baptism is the reception of the Holy Spirit.

Eucharist
The Eucharist (Holy Communion, Mass, or the Lord's Supper), is the means by which Christ becomes present to the Christian community gathered in his name. It is the central act of gathered worship, renewing the Body of Christ as the Church through the reception of the Body of Christ as the Blessed Sacrament, his spiritual body and blood. The matter consists of bread and wine, and the form is the Eucharistic Prayer. In this sacrament, Christ is both encountered and incorporated. As such, the Eucharistic action looks backward as a memorial of Christ's sacrifice, forward as a foretaste of the heavenly banquet, and to the present as an Incarnation of Christ in the lives of the community and of individual believers.

Confession and absolution
Confession and absolution is the sacrament by which one is restored to God when one's relationship with God has been broken by sin. The form is the words of absolution, which may be accompanied by the sign of the cross. Confession and absolution is normally done corporately (the congregation invited to confess their sins, a moment of silent prayer while the congregation does so, a spoken general confession, and the words of absolution). Individuals, however, can and do also participate in aural confession, privately meeting with a priest to confess his or her sins, during which time the priest can provide both counselling, urge reconciliation with parties that have been sinned against, and suggest certain spiritual disciplines (penance). Unlike the Roman Catholic tradition, Anglican clergy do not typically require acts of penance as a precondition to receiving absolution; rather, such acts are intended to be healing and preventative. The priest is bound by the seal of confession. This binds the priest to never speak of what he or she has heard in the confessional to anyone.

Confirmation
Confirmation is derived from the Latin word confirmare - to strengthen. In this sense, confirmation involves the reaffirmation of faith through the strengthening and renewal of one's baptismal vows accomplished through prayer and the laying on of hands by a bishop. Traditionally, baptism and confirmation were a unified rite, with the bishop performing both activities. With the proliferation of the faith in Europe during the early Middle Ages, the rite became separated. In recent centuries, it has been seen as an opportunity for those baptised as infants to make an adult profession of faith, and to affirm the vows made on their behalf. Until very recently, it was also a precondition to participation in the Eucharist throughout the Communion. Several provinces now view baptism as sufficient for accessing the grace of all the sacraments, since it is the means of initiation into the faith. Many baptised as adults still participate in confirmation as a way of completing the ancient rite of initiation, or because they have been received into the Communion from other denominations.

Matrimony
Holy Matrimony is the blessing of a union between a man and woman (though this model is questioned in contemporary Queer theology), acknowledging the presence and grace of God in the life of the couple. The form is manifested as the vows (contrary to popular belief, the blessing and exchanging of rings is customary, and not necessary for the rite of matrimony to be valid). In marriage, the husband and wife seek God's blessing, and through the mediation of the priest, the prayer is answered. Although the couple are thus generally regarded as the ministers of the sacrament through their voluntary exchange of vows, the sacrament must be celebrated under the presidency of a priest, who witnesses and mediates the prayers. Matrimony was the last sacrament added, having arisen as a result of civil necessity in the Middle Ages in order to regularise intimate relationships and legitimize children.

Holy Orders
Ordination, or Holy Orders, is the setting aside of individuals to specific ministries in the Church, namely that of deacon, priest, and bishop. The matter and form are the laying on of hands by a bishop and prayers. From the beginning of the Church these were the three orders. In this sense, priests are essentially delegates of the bishop to minister to congregations in which the bishop cannot be physically present. Deacons have always had the role of being "the church in the world," administering to the pastoral needs of the community and assisting the priest in worship (usually by proclaiming the Gospel and preparing the altar and credence table). The bishop is the chief pastor of a diocese, and consecration as an archbishop does not involve transition into a new order, but rather signifies the taking on of additional episcopal responsibilities as a metropolitan or primate. In keeping with the ancient practice, the Anglican Communion (like the Eastern Orthodox communion) has never required clerical celibacy. In a small number of places within the Communion, women are allowed to be ordained, and in a few liberal diocese there are female bishops. Some of the other diocese do not recognise their authority.

Anointing of the Sick
The Anointing of the Sick is an act of healing through prayer and sacrament, conveyed on both the sick and the dying, where it is classically called Extreme Unction. The matter consists of laying on of hands and/or anointing with oil; while the form consists of prayers. In this sacrament, the priest acts as a mediator of Christ's grace, and will frequently administer the consecrated bread (and sometimes wine) as a part of the sacramental action.

[Text taken with reference to Wikipedia]

I hope the terms would make you more confuse. hahaha....

- explaination -

15th day of Chinese New Year!

It's the 15th day of Chinese New Year today and I am just being reminded of how fast time flies. I still remember I was not very happy about being scheduled to attend court on the day before Chinese New Year and 15 days has gone past.... wow...!!!!

Upon my entry to the shopping mall where my office is located, I heard lots of lion dance around and noises of that kind and it reminded me on the days or weeks before Chinese New Year where I was forced to leave office earlier due to the 'noise' and I remember when I returned the next day, my partner and other colleagues were laughing at me when the 'noise' again was being played. hahaha.. and wow... time flies...!!!!

I walked outside my room to the printer to collect a sheet of paper I printed and while I was reading and checking, my colleagues asked if we have half day leave today. I went in to my partner's room and asked her if there is and she happily let us go by 3pm. Oh well, it won't make any difference to me as I will still have to finish some works before I leave office today. Both my partner and I do have a court case to attend tomorrow and mine is a simple mention but hers is a major hearing, so... I am also helping her with her research.

I am troubled by something... otherwise, I would be able to sleep in peace these few nights, but I didn't. I woke up about 2 or 3 times a night for the past few days and I just didn't have enough of sleeps........something is wrong a friend pointed and I seriously ponder over that and trying to find the cause. What happen to me, I wonder... !!!! Or am I just being emotional? ...

Anyway, tonight I will have dinner with a group of relatives and weirdly, another group texted me this morning if I can join them for dinner tonight. It's not easy to answer the 2nd group this morning but I just told them I have arrangment for dinner already. Hope I didn't offend anyone.

So, yes.... dinner tonight... !!!!

- 15th day of Chinese New Year ! -

Air Ticket...

Since the news of being sent to England for a month broke out, my friend and I have been trying very hard to book ourselves on the flight on the cheapest air tickets we can get. We manged so far to find a few cheap and nice one but many have given tons of suggestions by saying we can do lots of other ways to make sure it is even cheaper. I understand the point of getting the cheapest possible, but people who suggested probably didn't know that, it's SUMMER in Europe and tickets sold out in just a glimps of eyes. Some even suggested that we should take 1 airline from here to another destination and connect ourselves from that destination to the final destination. They have failed to see the 'problem' we might be facing... that delay or anything would cause the connection failed, etc. etc. I been through that before and I know what sort of hassel it could be if there is a delay on the first airline, etc.

The funniest thing is that, the price difference between that is only about RM300 to RM600 (return) and they rather risk that.

I can't help it at the end to call up my friend who owe a travel agent to ask her about a better fare since Matta Fair is on in 2 days time. Now, I shall pray for a cheap and nice tickets....

- air ticket -

Mission Trip update!

I am not so sure if I should call it a Mission Trip as the purpose I am being sent to is to share about mission ministry in Sabah and to receive more information of how we can reach out to others through mission.

Yes. You got me right. It is quite confirmed now that I will be going for a Crosstalk Conference, a programme which I have been doing since I reached KK, in mid June for the duration of approximately 1 month. Yes... instead of 1 year and/or 3 months, God has blessed me with 1 month instead. Since I have not been going for a holiday for a long time, I guess, I shall treat this as HOLIDAY too... of course I shall not forget the main purpose. Do pray for me though as I do need to sort out all the finances.

- mission trip update -

Birthday?

I have been suprised by too many incidents since 1am yesterday morning. Friends have been sms and calling me as early as 1am. I therefore thought I should just go in office, being lazy instead since I finsihed up all those urgent matter yesterday (guess that's why I was really seriously tired that evening). My parents called me at around 8am with my mom shouting "Happy Birthday" to me and followed by my dad. Then a few sms from friends, phone calls from friends... and when I came in to office and log on to my email, a long lost friend emailed me and another few good friends from abroad too. While I was replying some email, phone rang and another long lost friend called. It's like... why today?

I walked down to the bank downstairs to get my phone changed and I met Rev. & Mrs. Robert Vun, someone who know me when I was as young as 5 years old. For them to be able to recognise me is really amazing. They shouted my name and I was so happy to see them. Immediately after that, they took 2 pictures with me and said we will see each other again on Sunday. It's just great!!!

After lunch with a wonderful, God blessed friend, I came back to office and worked till 5:30pm. I wanted to leave earlier but was stucked with clients. Selling a piece of property which cost less than RM100,000.00 and they can sat there and talked on the terms and conditions for about 2 hours. It's amazing. After they have signed everything I thought matter shall end there and then as the purchaser was trying to issue a cheque to the vendor and the vendor even raised the issue of trustworthiness of the cheque. In order to get things end faster, I ended up using all kind of ways to convince the vendor to accept the cheque.

Had a lovely evening with some friends. Although I was down with stomach discomfort, but being able to have some friends around were great. Thanks...

So... the memories of my birthday....

2008 - stomach discomfort

2007 - flight delay

2006 - police station

hahahaha.... when am I going to have a 'peaceful' celebration ha?

- birthday? -

Job

I cannot remember when was the last time I am so confidence about my work. I was given a piece of work 2 weeks ago and I was sitting on the file for 2 weeks. Not that I did not even look at the file. I went through the file a few time, and really used all brain cells to think of a way to go about it. The possibility of winning this case is as good as 0. It bothers me the whole of my Chinese New Year holiday and I know I should start drafting the relevant documents on Monday but my brain wasn't willing at all. So, I drafted it today. A few hours of hard work and I got all the documents ready and here I am, sitting and blogging after I faxed it to my client. Trust me, the feeling that I have now cannot be descripted. It's like a have done something not to my own satisfaction and I have just done a piece of crap work.

I remember I always hold on to this principle that I will only do works that I am confidence of but I have just did something which I have 0 confidence of. The feeling is really ... "funny". Anyway, I need to be reminded that it's just a JOB.

According to the Oxford Dictionary: -

job
• noun 1 a paid position of regular employment. 2 a task or piece of work.

So, ya... it's just a task... or a piece of work. Why does it affect me so much?

- Job -

Back to reality!!!

After a few days of resting, I ended up not only being lazy, but also said NO to more than half of my friends' invitation. Those of you who know me well, you know you shouldn't ask me out on the last day of my stay, so yup.. you got me at a right timing. hahaha...

Due to a bit of delayed, I only arrived in KK at around 1315. By the time I had my lunch and collected my car, I reached office around 1430. While I was having lunch, I already received phone calls from clients. I wonder if they really trace where I am. Whenever I started work, they will start calling. It's funny... anyway, went in office, worked on 2 files and when I look at the clock, it's 1700. I was shocked and rushed home. Thank goodness not many car on the road. I believe half of the people are still having their holiday. hahaha...

So, yup... I am back to reality... !!!

- no more holiday -

"NEW" Year!!!

I guess I have been too tired recently and that finally, I got the chance to rest (chinese new year holiday) and therefore, I slept a lot. hahaha.... Woke up at 11am this morning and wonder where I was for a few second and only then I remember it's 2nd day of chinese new year. I have works in hand to finish before Monday and I am still sitting on it. I have to help my dad to re-format his computer and I am also sitting on it. Being lazy is what I will describe myself as (not that I am diligent all these while). Friends have been calling me to go out for visitation and I have rejected them one by one, hour by hour... and now is 4pm, I have just got one of 5 things I need to do settled.

As I was browing the web online through my phone, I accidentally downloaded something very useful call Yahoo!Go and Gmail Mobile to my phone. Now I can access to both my Yahoo mail and Gmail anytime I want. Great!!!!

Yawn.....!!!! Ya.. I am still feeling lazy and sleepy. I guess, my body is telling me that it's not working properly.... may be it's a sign of getting sick. Yawn....!!!!

"New" year = being lazy and rest!!!

Happy Chinese New Year!!!!

It has been for a while now since my last post... I just feel speechless over things happen around me. Don't ask me for detail, I won't be able to tell you one by one as I guess, I mixed them up in my brain for now. hahaha...

O well, if you do not receive any sms/notification from me, I have changed my phone number. So, do get it from someone who does. hahahahaha..... Reason of changing? My KK Digi phone line is register under my ex-partner's sister's company and contract is ending and I do not want to be part of them anymore and of course, Maxis owe me money and that's why it's Maxis. No other reason.

Meanwhile, I am going back to Tawau tomorrow. Suppose to be today, but somehow... the court have decided to give me a big 'ang pau', so... I got a mention tomorrow morning at 9am. I hope it finish earlier so that I can catch my flight at noon time. Otherwise I will miss my white chicken drumstick at night...

Well, well, well... Happy Chinese New Year to all of you!!!!!!

- Happy Chinese New Year -