Dealing with rejection in daily life!

These few months, I have been asking myself what makes me feel insecure and what caused all the emotional reactions which were mostly, beyond my own control. Am I losing sense? Am I going to go crazy. My friends somehow think I should go to see a dr with regards to this but has not known and/or amitted that they could be the one contributed to it. Well, I am sure they did it unintentionally and they probably didn't realise how serious this is to me and i am sure they doesn't know what and how I was triggled by it.

I guess I did told them that it's from July this year that I started to feel uneasy with things ... yes, instead of sitting down and talk, they started all the rejection methods because to them, I annoyed them with those personal problem of mine. I thought after telling them, things can be better, but that's not correct at all. Things gone worse and they have since then, not only caused others to react "wrongfully" towards me, but they have taken huge step into making things worse on me by rejecting everything I asked.

It's easy to say we can pack ourselves up and move on with life but... the horror was, the harder I tried, the harder things gone wild and uncontrollable. More hurts, more rejections I feel every single day. No matter how much I tried to convince myself by explaining things to them and others who did the same to me, all they could said was, "you must deal with it yourself". Yes, I told them, I tried and I couldn't and I need help... all they can think of then was, find someone professional. We are not and we can't help you. Helpful on the sense of rejection? I think that's the main rejection that caused me collapsed all together, i.e. they contributed and they triggled it and now, they said, they can't help and ask me to find a professional (someone whom i do not know at all). Brilliant idea!

A friend suggested that I do not have the right friends besides me. I admitted. But I do love them and therefore, I hold on to it. Months past... I tried so hard to pick myself up but things gone worse just because out of love and concern, of words I said, they thought I am imposing on them of whether I am happy or sad with my life. Nope. It's never my intention to impose my life to theirs. I knew they are not good friends of mine and why would I want to impose such things on them? I only treasure our friendship and would like to reignite the friendship... but that.. also making me feels rejected. Not to mention rejection that I feels almost every single day, for not wanting to go movie with me, not wanting to go weekend trip with me, not wanting to have dinner with me, not wanting to spend christmas with me... ,not wanting to share my life, not wanting to listen to me, not wanting to help, not wanting to send me to airport, start lying, etc. To a point, I find it so hard to send sms to even ask if my housemate is going to have dinner with me. I know rejection is what I will feel no matter how and when the message is to sent. "No. I have my own plan tonight" will be the answer.

Being jilted for a movie date and knowing that they went without me seriously wasn't something easy to accept, not something easy to forgive and forget. It only make the wound deeper.

I woke up this morning and God spoke to me, to deal with the rejection I have ! Let Him handle and help me. Yes, better than the professiona, God is the only one whom know me since young and walked me through life until today. He would be able to help. Yes. I might be shutting myself from getting hurt these days and at the same time (I know many who cares are feeling annoyed by me too), but I seriously is back to the shelf... to get myself protected from being rejected / hurt again. At the same time, I am seriously hoping that those deep wound I got will somehow being healed soonest possible.

While browsing the internet for rejection, this came:

"Social rejection occurs when an individual is deliberately excluded from a interpersonal relationship or social relation. The topic includes both interpersonal rejection (or peer rejection) and romantic rejection. A person can be rejected on an individual basis or by an entire group of people. Furthermore, rejection can be either active, by bullying, teasing, or ridiculing, or passive, by ignoring a person, or giving the "silent treatment." The experience of being rejected is subjective for the recipient, and it can be perceived when it is not actually present.

Although humans are social beings, some level of rejection is an inevitable part of life. Nevertheless, rejection can become a problem when it is prolonged or consistent, when the relationship is important, or when the individual is highly sensitive to rejection. Rejection by an entire group of people can have especially negative effects, particularly when it results in social isolation.

The experience of rejection can lead to a number of adverse psychological consequences such as loneliness, low self-esteem, aggression, and depression. It can also lead to feelings of insecurity and a heightened sensitivity to future rejection."

I am seriously feeling it already: loneliness, low sel-esteem, agression, depression, insecurity and a heightened sensitivity to future rejection.

I also found this article very useful: -

http://www.helium.com/items/783261-dealing-with-rejection-in-daily-life

In order for not being rejected over sms or anything... I have make certain things clearer with my housemate. I know she won't feel anything about rejection because otherwise, she would be able to understand what I am going through. Well, after all, she has many friends and I am just one nasty housemate she got which she can lives without. (Ops.. is this a negative thoughts out of rejection?) Yes, those words can be offensive, but... I am coming out with it because of what she has done.

So, the next time you see me, if i have no reaction towards whatever you said, it must be I am on a protective shield. Seriously, this rejection issue is killing me and all the friendships around me...

- Dealing with rejection in daily life! -

Christmas!

I miss those days when i was in England for Christmas. I must say, even though those days I may need to celebrate Christmas alone, it's the most happy Christmas I had so far in my whole life. As Christmas is drawing near ... i started to thought about 'leaving' this place ... as it is going to be year end.. a time where I was thinking to tender my resignation and move back home for good. Just because I had an arrangement with my partner earlier this year, I just have to finish my 'service' here at year end. Hence, even though I have it in my mind, .... i have to wait. So, Christmas is drawing near... everyone has plans... for christmas, for dinner, for fellowship, for going home for Christmas and all.... I however, is sadden by all these work thingy, future thingy...

It is not going to be a good and happy one this year also... At first, I thought of having fellowship with those i hold dear. Well, my request started with having a last trip with them, but they turned me down. Instead of me, they asked someone else for holiday and all. I have done my part with asking them but if that's what they choose, so be it! It hurts of course, but, I can understand the fact that I am not welcomed and I am definately not the one they wanted to spend time with. Hence, I asked for Christmas dinner... again, instead of turning me down just like that, they hurts me with their words.... Those who know me well will know that I do not like to take initiative in inviting people for dinner, for movie, for anything... and those whom I thought I am close to, of course have not came to know this (yes, such a failure I am) and so, they not only turned me down... they ridiculs me. So be it...........

Limit has reached. Changed past. I am going to make my own arrangement now. Be it here in KK, if have to, or home or somewhere else. Well, after all, they always told me they have their own plans... (suggesting that I keep on disturbing them and their plans) and so, I shall not disturb them and their plans.

This year's christmas will be ... a hurtful one.. and that's exactly a reminder to me of how graceful God is to me by sending me His only begotten son............... as much as God is sending His own son to us because of love... i am going to forgive them also for whatever things they have done and said that hurts me for the past few years. It has not been easy. God is my witness... and I am sure I have caused them so much hurts and pain too.... but, it is not my call to ask them to forgive me even though I have asked them to.

Well... somehow, i am looking forward to go home for Christmas... Lord, help me with all the arrangment of stand-in and submissions... that i can finish on time!!!!!!!!!!

- Christmas! -

Depression ruled!

This is not something I realised. But I guess I did not recover from it and I got severe even though I tried to make sure I am not thinking so negatively on things. Well, with the job things happening (in shock and still shock), I have also at the same time found out friends left me and lied to me and all... and that added on to it.... I seriously failed to see that I have acted weird, acted strange, acted crazily these few weeks. I thought things got better, but nope, it has gone to the most severe stage, i.e. i started not to know what I am doing.

This is a total mental break down. I need to know. I wish someone told me earlier on and not until now. I kept things to myself too much that it only burst, but... it cause people surrounds me and things arounds me also suffering from just being with me. I have tried so much not to get involve with things and people. It's so hard.........people still feels it.....!

I am not sure if I should first deal with myself or I should first decide on my job thingy. All these sudden happening is destroying me greatly! The only help I can think of for immediate solution is God. Lord, where are you? Have I gone really so far from you or I have not seen or feel you? Am I under attack ever since I have decided to go for mission trip? Why all things happen at the same time?

I can't count my friends to be with me because I don't, I seriously do not deserve to be with or being comforted. I have problem. No one wants to be with someone who has problem. Like everyone is telling me, I need to deal with this all by myself. I need to move out before my housemate finds me crazy and caused her hurts and bruses. Believe it or not, I have even pushed her to the wall once after she said something which was very provocative to me. I lost control of myself. It's me who caused all the lies... it's me who make it who I am today. I am the cause. How can I blame it when people doesn't want to go out with me for a movie?

I am serioiusly depressed and this depression is rulling over me!

- Depression ruled! -

Have you?

Strangely, I have never make any 'correct' decision in my whole life. Have you? Hmm... when can the first one come around?

- have you? -

Happiness!

I was chatting with a friend and came to know that she is going to France for 2 weeks in a week time. I got so excited about it until she said, "you are so excited as if you are going too". hahaha.. I guess, that's right... I am so depressed and not happy these few weeks and that I need to get myself going. Nope. Christmas is always a season I look forward to 'celebrate', but it's never a season I look forward to be happy about. With all the stress and decision making and all in my head, the fight with housemate made it severe. Everyone must have thought I am a very free soul around here because I never say I am busy and I always go home before 5pm. You are right, I am happy that I can make that 'decision' to go back by 5pm, but doesn't mean I am not doing work at home nor preparing for trial or hearing. People always thought I can fix in to their diary and agenda because i am always FREE, I guess.... well, I am so sure that I am going to make Caroline angry, but I have no nice word to put... when she asked me to come out with a time for briefing on caroling this week... with so many things in my head, I have to adopt what my housemate always use on me: "What do you want from me?". I thought I am the only one so sensitive on that phrase, but nope, I was wrong. Caroline wasn't happy about that phrase too... and she asked me to forget about whatever she said. She has been cool and patient... she can sense it when I got really pissed off. But, i am sure she is not happy with me.

Anyway, what I was trying to say is, ... nope. I am not happy.... not a single matter that is happening here in my world is making me or the people arounds me happy. A friend suggested I should go to England and play with my nephew and niece on a snowing winter days.........that will probably cheers me. However, I told her that it will only last for less than 10 minutes because no happiness will last forever................

I hate to say this, but.................seriously, that's what I have been trying to do, to capture more happiness than sadness... but every year, I have failed. This year, has been a year full of sadness and depression. I happen to watch House this morning for a while.... and I seriously think, I need to learn from him... to walk in a psychitric centre, take my med - chill pill!

Well, may be I am just too stubborn to accept the fact that, the happy season has gone and it's a past tense now! Stupid me huh? Happiness never last..................never! Why can't I just accept this fact?

- happiness? -

My guitar...

I remember it was 10 years ago that I asked my dad if I can buy a guitar as birthday present for myself by using his credit card. I was very bored and I was in need of some entertainment and some moment to praise and worship God in my own personal time. Dad said yes... and there I was... made my way down to Kuala Lumpur, near Lot 10.... to be exact, opposite Lot 10, not Sungai Wang... the other side, Bentley is the name of the shop. I went.... saw a guitar with a colour and sound and brand that I wanted. To many, it's not a very expensive guitar, but yet, to buy a guitar with RM890 10 years ago, was not very cheap for me...especially when I have yet to earn a cent.... yet.... Dad knows how much I need a guitar... and so, i told myself, RM890 guitar shall last me for the next 10 years or more....

I was being asked to do praise and worship at the prayer meeting last night and so, I went... with my guitar. I didn't choose a plug-in guitar because all those days, I only play bass guitar in church and so, I thought, a non-plug-in should be enough. After all, I will need to add another RM300 if I want a plug-in acoustic guitar... so, I only choose the non-plug-in acoustic guitar... When I reached KK, my cousin helped me with getting a pick-up and so, I have been using that for the last 4 years...

Last night, as I was listening and praying... after my leading... I saw my guitar in front... it has served the Lord 10 years now.... be it in the cell group, in caroling, or in services and prayer meetings..........RM890 has somehow lasted 10 years now....and I am sure it will last for many more years to come.... as I was looking at my guitar, I just can't deny the fact that, I really love my guitar.... I really like it... its colour, its sound, its brand and .... it's faithfullness....!!!

- My guitar... -

Record day!

2 records were made today.... First, a friend passed me 10 cases at one go. For the first time, we have to open 10 files just in one day. How encouraging to know.... friends do remember me when they have business to pass to a lawyer...

Secondly, I walked to St.Francisco Coffee after I made some enquiry in Bank and.... this guy asked me what I want, I told him I want a tuna sandwich and he asked if i want the one with white bread or the one with wholemeal bread. I normally will just take the wholemeal but because finances is very tight, I did check on the price and i told him I would like to have the white bread. After that, I ordered a cup of hot mohca... small size.... then i open my wallet and i couldn't find a single ringgit in the wallet......... i checked a few times, no. Not a cent. Where are all my money, i wonder.... and while I was checking, the guy told me the total amount to be paid. I was looked at him and asked him if he will accept credit cards and he politely told me, he would, if I made purchase of more than RM20, which I didn't and so, I asked him if it is alright for me to walk across to the bank to withdraw money while he makes my coffee. He smile and answered : "sure". I walked over to the bank, withdrew money, came back and he just finish preparing my coffee, I made the payment and left. He gave me a really ... 'smile'. arrgg... so embarrasing.............

- Record day! -

Studying law?

It's weird when a doctor asked me about studying law. Well, I only knew the lawyers will want to be a doctor and not the other way round, but.... well, ya, I was asked about studying law ... It's even more weird if I tell you that the doctor is not a normal medical officer. Well... guess people just never contented with what we have huh?

Well, I have recently watched the show "The Rainmaker", where a young lawyer took up his first case and made history. He was in court even before he got his license and the judge shouted at him and asked him to come back only when he got his license. Yes. He was that 'young' as a lawyer when he took up a trial. He made lots of mistakes, he can't get his questions rights (keep asking a leading questions), etc. He went through the whole trials and he won the case .... and that moment of joy, I am sure it was unspeakable. However, the following news came in was that due to that, the company being sued went bankrupt and they do not have money to pay them, including 1/3 out of the claims he is entitled to. At the end of the day, he only practice as a lawyer for that case and he quit his profession.

I have seriously not sure on what basis people keep saying becoming a lawyer or be in a law profession, the lawyer is rich and they have a good future. All I have experience these years is that, life is stressful and clients never pay and that leads me to go into 'bankruptcy' instead of others. Good future? How can it be good, I wonder.... I am not saving life... I am not helping anyone to ease their pain, be it their emotions, or they pocket. Be it they win or lose the case, the party involve is still suffering from emotional distress and also financial distress. I have recently billed a client after the trial of which she told me she only be able to pay me on the 8th December. I allow that arrangement because I know, we all know, that it is a huge amount of money. I have also another client whom I charged pursuant to the new Advocates' Remuneration Rules where the "no discount rules" apply, and she jumped, asking us to use all sorts of way just to get away with it.

That's what people will do to a lawyer.... but none, will do that to a doctor. When you go to see a doctor, would you ever thought of asking him for discount? Have you ever? So, lawyers ought to give discount (even with non discount rules applied) and not doctors, right?

Now, do you see why do I always feel like I am being bullied and no one respect me as a lawyer now a day? I seriously think people needs to respect their lawyer and pay them. Worse still, how many people manage or have sued doctors for losing their love one's life? And how many people rather sue their lawyer because they lose their money? I wonder which one is more important.

So, it is quite hard when the discussion goes with this doctor about studying law. He thinks studying law and practising law is a better option than becoming a doctor... and I disagree with that completely.

- Studying law? -

Stranger?

I wonder how everyone reacts towards meeting someone you do not know for the first time. Strangely, I reacted differently when it comes to different kind of stranger. If the stranger is a client whom I have never met before this, ... I reacted quite naturally, talked to him/her and I manage to start a few topics to make sure they feel comfortable while talking to me. When it comes to people I meet for the first time in church, most of the time, I reacted quite ok with it, but it all depends on whether the person is willing to open up and talk. But I tend to react very 'weirdly' or 'strangely' around close friends of those whom I am close to, which I have never met before. Yup... I feel somewhat... not comfortable with people like that, as if my life is in danger. Ya, insecure you might want to put it. Worse still, when the close friends keep talking to my friends and they made me feel like I am not welcome. There's a few occasions, where such situations happen and I have to excuse myself silently and retrieve to my 'comfort zone'.... to my own car, sit there and play games, .... or walked away from them and stand somewhere, trying to get myself busy and all....

Well, .... I always thought it is something WRONG with me...(my mom always told me I love to be in my own world and doesn't like to be with people) and I started to do some examination on myself by meeting strangers...................MORE! I have no problem when it comes to getting along with new bosses, getting along with new colleagues, getting along with new students.... new comer in church, etc.... and I started to wonder.... if it is really me that's wrong or people arounds me that's wrong. hahahahahaha.... Well, ... I guess, we reacted differently when we are to face strangers.... and I happen to be someone how is so not open to meet people who do not sincerely want to meet me and know me (have to say "hi" to me because I am so and so's friends and it is impolite to not to say "hi").

I happen to joined 2 strangers for lunch a while ago and while they were talking, I feel instead of them being stranger to me, that I am a stranger in the table and I am not welcome. OF COURSE I do know they do not mind having me around.... but ... it's that feeling I am saying.. that makes me feel awkward!!!!!

I seriously need to know how to deal with stranger, still. At least from the stage where I don't even dare to go in a shop to buy things myself .... until now, I can go pump petrol myself, it's such an improvement. But I think I need to put more efforts huh?

Ya....

- Stranger? -

Opportunity?

I was asking the question of whether this is my job or his job or their job thousand and million of time... because my boss tends to leaves everything in the office under my care for weeks every month and that leaves me wonder if it is my job to perform certain duties and work in the office, including some of his and previous colleague's files......well, to be exact, I am not paid for handling those files and work. More so, this morning, I have to go Lembaga Hasil Dalam Negeri to get 3 documents stamped because I need it urgently and my office boy told us he can't get it done in the morning. After the LHDN, I have to also made a trip to the bank to get a bank draft issued to pay Jabatan Tanah dan Ukur. All these, ..... i wonder if those are what I need to do...

Well, when I was rushing to finish drafting an Affidavit for client to execute tomorrow morning, my clerk brough 3 files up (same client) and she was helping me with confirming how much disbursement the 3 files has incurred so far and she made mistakes on it. A mistake which I noted without going into detail. I told her to make thorough check on the bills and all and all she told me in respond was, the auditor is asking her to check all the accounts and she wants to be excused from doing anything else but the accounts. I seriously told her that if account is what she needs to focus on and if she can't finish, she will have to do OT if that's needed. I told her i also brought works home and skipped lunch if I need to.

She thought doing bill is not her job. I see it as an opportunity for her to learn, to get used to things. But if she is not seeing it as opportunity, I won't give her that opportunity at all. So, i called her to bring all the 3 files up and I have done the bills myself.

I guess, we are reluctant to do 'extra' works.... we calcuate too much, don't we? ... haiz... Seriously, we tend to apply this more often when it comes to church ministries.... but God says, "I give you an opportunity to serve me, and you said, you are frustrated with the opportunity I gave you?"

So, it is extra works or opportunity?

- opportunity? -

Influences

It's a stressful week but for a change, at least, I only need to deal the stress at work and not others. It's weird... as it has never happen before. I guess somehow, people arounds me has been happy and so, somehow, the stress has left. I ponder however, during sleep for the past few hours.... what will cause a person to be sad, unhappy... and what will changed a person to be happy. I wrote in this blog few weeks ago about asking ourselves whether we are happy. It is a question I always ask myself. And the answer I always have is be it happiness or unhappiness, it will only last for a while and most of the time, it is influenced by what happen around us and ... also of what said to us by those we are close to.

I wonder therefore, if we have make others happy by what we did and what we said. Or are we influencing others' happiness and unhappiness because we are unhappy or happy, which was caused by others? Yes... it goes round and round and round.... and somehow, I am so bothers by it and I woke up around 4 something... even though I am very tired after the trial.

Well, I guess.... unless I lives all by myself ... otherwise, it is almost impossible to not to be influenced by others. I seriously hate this........

- Influences and/or impact -

Nostalgia

Hmm...people said, ........ when you have certain memories flashing past you mind.... that's mean....

well, yes... I miss those days....... very much! It's easy to let it gone past... and it is hard to keep it forever... well, what can I say? I want to keep it and I want it back... but it's not up to me to do or say... other parties have to have the same wish too... so, ya.... I am missing it... and that reminds me to see and treasure everyday as if it is the last day of my life...

- nostalgia -

God vs Man? or Man vs God?

As I was writing something at my other blog, I came across the thinking.... and I realised, I have made a mistake. Instead of walking in His Will and making His as the drive and decision make of my life, I have somehow, focus on the needs of this world and persons ... and make God works on the plan I have in mind instead.

So, I wonder.... are we suppose to tell God to help us in our daily life and daily needs or are we suppose to focus on God and see what His Will for us... in order for us to 'get' our daily life and daily needs?

Are we suppose to pray and wait for our life partner to come or are we suppose to find someone and ask God to grant us our request? Do we choose which mission field we should go and ask God to grant us or do we ask God where He wants to send us instead? Are we suppose to plan our future ourselves and ask God to fulfill it or are we suppose to ask God what He has planned for us for our future?

I guess, we all make mistakes............ because of our selfish ambition, and our needs, our urge to have... that we found the 'subject matter' ourselves and ask God to fulfill it.... when God did not, we started to blame God on it.... I wonder, how many mistake like this should we go through in order for us to finally realised, we are at wrong in the first place?

We worry about tomorrow, somehow.... we didn't submit our request to God TODAY..we went through 'tomorrow' and another 'tomorrow' and we still forget to submit our request and focus on Him... we only came across praying and submitting our request to God when we found the 'subject matter' we wanted on 'tomorrow'.

Of course being the gracious God and the decertment His spirit leads us.... we sometimes do know if that's for us or not.... and we asked God to just 'confirm' our request and true enough, He will, He did.... and we are happy about it... but that's because we are so close to Him and that we know His heart....

How many of us know His heart today when it comes to the Will of God? Is it our Will higher than His Will today? If your will is not what His will is.... what do you think He will do? My past experiences told me, all I got is ... anger towards God.

So, I wonder.... what drives your life today? Is it God or a person or your career or your family or yourself? If it is the latter, ... you might want to 'seek ye first the Kingdom of God....'. because we can never win over God.

- God vs Man? or Man vs God? -

Everyday!

As I was standing at my housemate's room, looking through the window into the view outside the apartment, I am seriously trying to treasure every moment and everyday I can spend at this city.... I just hope... time won't pass by too fast until the time is up... !

Yes, I am feeling it already....

- Everyday! -

Trying hard!

I just want to say, it has been hard and despites how hard I tried, I still failed. I am tired of trying.... shall I just give up?

Another few months and this year will end. I have enough works to fill up all the dates and schedule until the year end. I need a new diary as my next date could be some time after 27th December 2010 (for now, that is the last hearing date I got). When the time is reaching the end of this year, I am reminded that the time frame I set for myself to stay in this firm is ending too. Yes, this issues bothers me ever since July and since I have promise to stay on for at least a year, I will stay on until the end of this year. However, I am already trying to search for a better opportunity/work, be it in KK or Tawau or even as far as Singapore. Errr, ya, I am leaving KL's option as I really don't like that part of the world too much (even though I am used to the place).

Well, I am seriously trying hard to cope, with works, with ministries, with life..........

Lord, help me...........

- Trying Hard ! -

Are you happy?

It's a valid question I think... to ask someone and even to myself from time to time. Well, it's a sermon addressed to us last sunday and a topic we were suppose to discuss in cell group this week. Well, I didn't go to cell this week because I seriously do not know how to answer the question.... wait, no.. it's not I do not know whether I am happy or not, it is obvious... I am not happy, but I just do not know how to solve the problem.

It's the work/job that I have now that I am not happy about. I am not sure how should I put it, but I seriously not satisfied with the pay, and with the amount of works I get. I am basically not paid to stay in the office to look after the firm, but I am doing it for the past few months. I don't see fairness... yes, speaking of lawyer who is performing something/some work/some services without seeing the fairness of it is the most difficult part in life......and/or in this profession.

More so, I am lacking of friends/people arounds me,.... no. I am not saying I do not have a soul besides me. I thank God He provides me with some very close friends, friends which is just a call away.... and friends who will stay and care even though I scolded an got angry on them unreasonably. But ... i am feeling lonely in the office, in work, in court, and even in class.... I am just feeling so .... 'empty' and 'lonely'. Yes... this can be from the heart... but I am feeling it physically too..........!!!!

In terms of ministries in church, I am not happy because I cannot agree with the different views of church leaders on ministries... most of them are concentrating on the 'work' park then ministries.............. said I do not understand and/or that I have a higher standard on ministries... but yes, I am not satisfied with how things are going in church... i am not satisfied on the fact that people are relying on their own understanding then by faith. I cannot understand why people can be so shortsighted in their vision...etc. etc.

I went home for a day and I came to know that I am also not satisfied of being me... at home... I am not satisfied that I am from this family. I am not satisfied that I am not doing good enough as a daughter of my parents.... I am simply not satified and not happy about life.. in general, I think.

With all those financial obligations, life in general and all... if you are asking me whether I am happy, the answer is a straight NO, I AM NOT!

Friends has been reminded me that I am not seeing it because I am not happy with God and I am basically not focuing in Him and my joy is not found.... in Him. Well, perhaps... I am ... I really need time to ponder and recover from this....and try to be happy again.... please do not push me to recover now... I am at a very rebellious stage at the moment.................

- Are you happy? -

Explaination?

While this 'talk' goes on and I was being said that what I did was to make myself feel better and ... I seriously ponder over this ... before I did all that. After I have done it, the answer is a straight forward NO. Simply because I am still feeling regret, sad and unhappy about it. No. I didn't get a good sleep for the past 2 nights either. Not at all... hence, the saying that I am doing it to make myself feel better is somehow not true. Worse still, I am feeling like a failure. Failed to make things clear, failed to convey what I want to say and/or my concern is and I think I have made a wrong impression to the recepient. If you ask me today, besides I managed to ask for forgiveness, I seriously don't feel any better at all. Yes, my emotion is still instable and I seriously need help.

As I was pondering over things and talked about things, I was told of the "E + R = O" reality. Event plus Respond = Outcome. I think I seriously need to learn how to 'respond' so that the outcome will be out correctly. Futhermore, as much as I do not know why and how I reacted the other day, I found out that I was and is stress... and stress makes me stupid. I need a congnitive behavioural approach to move out of primitive brain into rationa brain. I am learning it... even though I know I might not be able to 'graduate' from that, but I am trying my very best...

Again, I am sorry... I will try harder to make it a success.

- Explaination? -

I am sorry!

Yes, it is a phrase of words which doesn't come out of our mouth easily. I always do not know how I should react towards it when one said it to me. When things didn't go well between me and another party, I will not say it, especially when I am of the opinion that it is not my fault. Oh well, I think I forgot, most of the time that, only when we are both see each other's fault that makes the situation as 'conflict'. Oh well, I am seriously sorry for being who I was... I mean it...

There's too many area in my life that needs to be changed and I am confessing it here so that, I do not give myself another reason to 'run away' from my own responsibilities. Yes, there are areas in my life which are taboo... and when it is 'hit' by words and/or action, it will somehow triggled my anger, hurts and unforgiveness. To protect myself, my method usually is to defend myself by hurtful words, by even hurtful action. Action, is the last thing I want to use (yes, I did used that before, but that was before I came to know Christ), but somehow, when I am pushed to the last bit, I would somehow reacted, unintentionally. I cannot recall when was the last time I reacted so badly.... but I was bad enough last night... to a very dear friend and dear sister.

I was totally out of my mind. I was not myself. No. I didn't feel any better after that... not even now. I seriously regret for what I did, what I said, what I did not do, even what I did not say.

Lord, please forgive me.... besides the person whom I am asking forgiveness from, I seriously am asking you, Lord, to forgive me! I am sorry...

I promise you, that I will try harder to make things work.... in me and in this relationship! Give me another chance....

- I am sorry! -

Whose?

I am doing some part time teaching recently ... and my students consist of those who are very good law background to those who has none and some, the can understand what I want to tell them very easily (and they said i am too slow in my teaching) and some, they couldn't understand anything at all (they said I am too fast in my teaching) and it is so hard to put a balance and cater the needs of both groups. Hence, I am basically not pleasing anyone at all... in fact, I am causing both of the groups to 'suffer' and I am seriously not feeling good about it. However, I do expect that the weaker group can do more efforts in their readings, in their research and all and the stronger group will be able to just relax and try to find MORE cases and all in support of their argument. Somehow, it's seriously.... not about what a teacher can do becaues it seems like, the problem lies on the student, their ability to capture what they need to.

In the same way, in church... our spiritual level is also different from each other and worse still, we have different needs, different age groups and different background of the people. Besides the gospel and the salvation, I would think, it is hard for the preacher to come up with something which can cater for the needs of everyone on sunday. I think somehow, one will have to put their own efforts into getting MORE if one thinks the sermons/preaching is not enough for themselves... It's just too hard for the preacher to preach on a sermon to cater for everyone's need... don't you think?

I am not sure... may be we should be the one doing the 'research' if we think we wants more...

- Whose? -

Report upwards!

The worries and issues that's in my heart...................... was partly being released this evening during a meeting. Many heard it for the first time and some, was reminded of the issues I brought to them earlier on of which, they have failed to take it seriously. I have been reminded that I should report it upwards (i do know that I should do that, but I have been trying not to because things will not be the same anymore if i do), and hence, I did it. To the shock of many, I guess in a way, I have now, make them worries............... Well, at least, issues are highlighted and be it all these issues can be solved or not at the end of the day, my conscience is clear now that, I have done what I should and what I need to.

A friend has reminded me to 'submit all these in prayer' this morning (05.10.2010) and I did... just that, I somehow, lost the trust on people, completely.... (ya, hence, the needs of focusing in Him, right?)

Well, I hope my worries are not 'eating me up' ... and so, by sharing this and reported upwards, I actually feels better... However, it's almost impossible not to worry.............. because I do care! Of course, who am I and how much can I do?

- Report upwards! -

Worries...

The definition of the word "Worry" according to Oxford Dictionaries: -

verb (worries, worrying, worried)
1. feel or cause to feel anxious or troubled about actual or potential problems:
[no object] :
he worried about his soldier sons in the war

[with clause] :
I began to worry whether I had done the right thing

[with object] :
there was no need to worry her
(as adjective worried) expressing anxiety:
there was a worried frown on his face
[with object] (worry something out) discover or solve something by persistent thought:
children should be allowed to pause in their reading to worry out a meaning

2. [with object] annoy or disturb:
the noise never really stops , but it doesn't worry me

3. [with object] (of a dog or other carnivorous animal) tear at or pull about with the teeth:
I found my dog contentedly worrying a bone (of a dog ) chase and attack (livestock, especially sheep)

4 [no object] (worry at) pull at or fiddle with repeatedly:
he began to worry at the knot in the cord.

Yes, I am worry... worry about the welfare of people especially those who are close to me, and those who are under my care. It is not very easy to be someone's friend, and someone's leader. Somehow, this burden in me to look after the welfare of people is IN me and hence, it is so hard to let me to just say, "Let him/her be" especially when I know something not good is going happen. No, I am no prophets, neither am I a superwomen or have some supernatural power that I can foresee things in the future. But the decernment that God has given me over this, is strong enough for me to 'feel' the different. Yes, I know you will say I should just trust them and let them accountable to God themselves. True, that's a good 'excuse'. To me, I don't see why one would accountable to God in the first place if they cannot be accountable to themselves and their friends and/or leader. As a human being, I won't talk about God because it's easy to be accountable to God then to people around us - God will forgives anyway and He will understands... (excuses I called).

Oh well, why and what makes me worry? Simple, I guess because I care. If I tell you I am not worry about you, there will be only 2 reasons for it. One, that you have gained my trust, 100% because you have proved that you can handle it. Secondly, I do not care about you at all.

Well, I get more worries when you have broken the former scenario. If the second scenario happen, of course, you won't get any 'concern' from me at all because I might consider you do not worth my concern at all (very rarely, but.. will explain later), and the worry part will not even steps in.

There will be time where I don't bothers and/or concern at all because you have decided not to accountable to me, nor wanting me to be part of it and ignoring every reminders I gave. When this happen, yes, I will not bother at all and I am adapting the "if you want to die, I will let you die" principle.

Recently, there's too many things to worry about and seriously, not all of those cause me to have sleepless nights... nothing worries me then the welfare of a person who is under my care and/or someone whom I consider as 'close'. When line was crossed and they seems perfectly alright about it (by giving me excuses to explained him/herself), that worries me even more because I know they are not in their right mind already and they have been brainwashed. Of course, I do believe, besides the party concerned, there's 3rd party who also contributed towards it.

Is it so hard to resist the temptation? I believe at all time, it is... when we put our brain aside and our feeling first...

Worries... I must say I am worry about others, more than myself ... and it is so hard not to worry!

- worries ... -

Future plan...

Oh well, since the beginning of this year, things has been difficult and more so, when things arounds me gets worse every single day without improving and hence, instead of being able to focus, I have lost focus and have been feeling depressed (issues highlighted at another site). The 'what's next' plan is there. Friends has been good to send me job vacancies and many has given me all sorts of suggestion. I have thought about Master Degree and Theological studies and all and due to depression, I am also advised that I shouldn't make any major decision for now. Hence, I am not doing any at the moment.

However, I am feeling quite positive that I should move on as I see no purpose and reason why I should stay here in this place as it only depressed me and demoralising me... so, yes, the time frame is still on and I have decided to move on regardless whether I am thinking sensibly.

Oh well, guess I should use these few months to get the best out of this current situation and be happy... meanwhile, decide on that one option out of many options...

God, show me the way! (that has been my prayer for the past 9 months)

- future plan ... -

Called to the Bar!

Oh well, I actually check through my previous posts for the past few years to see if I have actually written anything on today ever... I posted "Happy anniversary" to myself on Facebook and many asked me what sorts of anniversary am I celebrating. Well, ... I was called to the Bar in Malaya (first Bar) on 30th day of September. Together with me, was a friend whom we still keep in touch and share our expriences together. I sent her a text this morning as in previous years, she was the one who always reminds me of today by wishing me. Well, this year, with new environment arounds her, I have a sense that she doesn't even want to mention to-day.

I guess, without knowing what happen, we have gone through a few years of law practises without the sense of satisfaction at all. We lost the passions somewhere, sometime, somehow... and the system is killing us. Me in particular, when I read through what I wrote in 2008 and 2007, ghoosh................. I can't believe nothing improves since then... is this profession really that bad?

I am glad, today also marks the last day where lawyers in Sabah can give discounts to their client because starting tomorrow, we do not have to fight against the big law firms in town for clients. Fees will be the same anywhere within Sabah and as a small firm, you get the solicitor's attention and not the legal clerks'. So, I hope things will be better after today.

My dear friend has texted me and said it's anniversary but she is not feeling any bit of happiness in herself. I share the same feeling... just that, I am TRYING HARD to make myself a bit happier today. Starbucks after my class later is my own promise to myself later...

Oh well, the different between this year and last years is that, I am doing some part time teaching this year. I am enjoying it, even though i can see, all my students are NOT enjoying it. Either they hates me for making them read and understand or they really hates the law subjects now. Oh well......... it's not very difficult to understand how blur they can get as a first year law students though as I was completely blur during my 1st semester...

Well, it's a day to remember seriously as ... it's the first time, my parents went with me to court and it will be the last too...

- Called to the Bar! -

Weekend away...

Ya, I took the last weekend away from the usual routine and works and hoping that I will get a bit of 'recharge' from a weekend away even though I will have to spend lots of time at the airport and flying. Thank to my dear brother who sent me some airasia vouchers (got it due to delay) and hence, I joined some of my friends t Fraser Hills at Pahang. It's a 2 hours drive from Kuala Lumpur. It's a nice trip seriously. I thought I was at this little town in England but of course, besides the scenary and a bit of cooling air, nothing else looks like England. hahaha...

I must say, a get away trip like this is far more better than spending 2 days at places around KK. At least, I met different people, talked different topics, did a bit of update, unwind from dissatisfaction, anger and depressing moments with friends whom doesn't know whom or what I was talking about. hahaha... , you know... all that sorts and seriously, it helps, at least a bit more than what I can do by myself here.

Well, I am sorry to those whom was not informed that I will be in KL and Fraser Hills over the weekend though... yes, I didn't call or meet up with those whom I usually meet up and I know this is bad.. but well...............

Coming back to work today make me down first when I saw a pay cheque on my table but it's stated as "interim commission".... oh well................. to come to think about it, it is interim anyway... so, what's the big deal? I will still bank in the cheque anyway........ Will definately talk about it with boss when I got the chance to. Again, he is outstation until Thursday. Speaking about calculative, I can be the one who is the least calculative person in the world, but that doesn't make anyone can bully me on this........

- weekend away -

Law?

I had my second teaching class today and instead of a full tutorial class, I ended up have to do a bit of "re-cap" with my students as I was informed by the Dean that some of the students were completely blank after my 1st lesson 2 days ago. Why am I not feeling shock? Well, I guess it's because I was a blank and as blur as they are when I was in my first year. I have 10 coursemates and 10 of them, were children of some lawyers and it's my first encounter to not only children of lawyers, but also people who doesn't speak a word of chinese. All the discussion and teaching and all were conducted in English and no one ever explain to me what are the legal terms means. Worse still, I finished my STPM then and the other 10 took A Level and all of them has knowledge about law except me. Being a minority in the class, my lecturers choose to ignore my present all together. I beg your pardon, not only the lecturers, but also all my fellow coursemates.

I recall that they started to changed their perception over me, the chinese girl only when I scolded higher then any of them in my assignments. They started to ask me question, trying to includes me in their lunch appointment, etc. etc. However, I disregarded them because of the way they treated me earlier on.

My class this afternoon, consists of students from business class and also diploma in law. It's quite hard for me to 'communicate' with those from the business class as they were like me before, they went totally blank ... while, the extreme is, the law students found me a bit too slow in my teaching. It's so hard for me to find the balance point. I am still thinking what's the best way to help the business class students to be able to understand the 'langauge' - legal terms easier. There's no other way then to read and look into dictionary and keep writing.... , I think.

I really don't know what I should do! Hmm...

- Law? -

Overspent!

As much as I wanted to be debts free, I feel depressed over things and people over the past few months and hence, I realised, spending is a theraphy somehow to 'fill-in' the gap of 'emptiness'. Ah ha... and so, due to that, I keep spending ... for things which I wanted so much to things that I can lives without, i.e. horse riding, etc.

Yes, I am feeling much better after some crazy shopping, some doctors visit and making a bit hole in my pocket... however, instead of the previous 'pain', now I am suffering from the 'financial pain'. hahahaha... I think I really digged the hole so deep until a point i started to worry about myself now. Well, but to think of if, this is something to give thanks to because at least, i feel worry abotu it... and not sitting on the issue and let myself just go bankrupt. hahaha...

Ya, I think instead of usual spending, I literally overpsent. hahaha....

- overspent! -

Plan?

This is a joke... as much as I wanna get out from this place, as much as I can't go anywhere. I wanted to leave this place 2 weeks ago and on the same day, I received 2 sealed Summons In Chambers that I need to attend Courts on the 1st September. I am somehow stucked by a 10 minutes court cases this morning and I am stuck here for the whole long weekend. How great!

As much as I wanted a holiday, I am so much needed here for the event! Where everybody is relaxing and taking their own sweet time peacefully, I am left alone dealing with all these people who even called me on public holiday. Don't they have a life and respect towards a soul?

And now, I am still stuck and after the event, my part time will set in and that's it! Plan? I am not sure if this whole thing is destroying me or what... but I can tell you, I have finally collapsed. hahahaha...

What to plan? What to do? NOTHING that i wanna do can be done any way... !!!!!! YOO HOO!!!!!

- Plan? -

What will catch your attention?

Burning bush caught Moses attention and we shared in our cell meeting last night that, there's many things and circumstances will catch our attention... and mine in particular, I was reminded that, it's Him who shut all the doors years ago that made me came to this city. Some people won't notice what God wants to tell us when we are happy and we can handle our life well. We put on our 'auto-pilot' button and we won't notice God's presence. Often, people will only realised they need God and God is there when they meet some 'disaster' in life and the first question they asked, not "why have i forgotten about my God?", but "Where are you, God?" "Do you really exist?", "Why have you forsaken me?".

Funny isn't it? What will catch you attention today, this moment? Did you notice God is speaking to you? Or, did you only heard what your heart said, what your boss said, what your friends said, what your colleagues said, what's your parents said, what's your boyfriend or girlfriend said?

Weird.... we said we need God only for a while? Is that what we are saying? Hmm...

I hope your answer to my question today is not 'when disaster happens'. If it is, God bless you!

- What will catch your attention? -

How does it feel?

Often, I encountered people releasing their disagreement towards the Lord's and His way of ruling this world.. most of the time, the disagreement caused by the servant of God and not the Lord Himself... and that doesn't count... people will jsut focus on God and so, immediately, we forgot about His first love.... Bible told us, God loves us when we were still sinner... the love is unconditional and that's Him, our Lord... our Father in heaven... He loves us... We can understand that prefectly ...

But when it comes to involving in ministries.... we always take second thoughts of whether we should or should not. We were taught we shouldn't 'negotiate' with God in terms of ministries because we serves, because He loves us. As human being, we started somehow... to 'reasoned' with God on this issue. We smartly put across reasons like, "God... it should be unconditional love. Even if I do not serve you in your House, you should love me, isn't it?" and often, we said, "God should loves us and He won't ask us to love Him in return". Is this correct? I mean, isn't this 'biblical'?

As human being, many times, God shows and convicted in my heart that I should love people arounds me unconditionally. I love Christ Church Likas even though I know this church is not lovable. I love certain non-believers even though they do not know Christ. I love certain friends knowing that they do not care much about me and ... I was convinced that I should love them because God loves me. However, ... I am much being revealed lately that, people has been using the same excuses over me. "You shouldn't ask us to return what you did to us". "You shouldn't expect returns when you first love us". Hmm... when the words spoken to me... it hurts... so much so that, I wonder for a while, if I really asking a return or rather, is it my expecatation. Seriously, it never crossed my mind, but when the words was spoken... my heart sore and my heart broke... is this what people think why I care for them? Of all those I did when they needed me, that's all they thought I am? That I exepct too much? I am sure God feels the same too when we spoke those words to Him because that's not His intention in the first place. He didn't expect us to return anything to Him... [please, who is able to?] He doesn't need our services ... He is God for goodness sake... and... we serves, because we want to love Him back... it's us, it's for our own benefit, it is for our own growth, it is for us to know Him more. Serving is not about God... it's about us........yes, US!

For the past few years, I was being 'included' in my friends' plan, for trips, for holiday, for meals, for movie and for almost everything ... life was 'difficult' for them then and they needed help. I was there to help and even to make decision for myself, i have to consider them, their needs, etc. However, that doesn't count anymore today. All I received as return was not them being around when I needed a hand, an ear... but, a complain of asking me why should I expect things from them. To come to think of it, I feel so much like they took me for granted, for for once or twice, but for years.... That's because they have now in the stage of 'independent' and they do not need me anymore. They know the ways to the places now, they know how to handle life, they have more friends, they can get their life sorted out and all they say now is, "you shouldn't expect us to return favour to you". Seriously, it hurts.. very hurt. When they needs me, they will 'includes' me.. when I expect them to 'includes' me, then, i found out, they have grown up and they have 'excluded' me without even informed me.

I am sure God is feeling the same too. When we need God... we pray... so fervently until the sky also cried with us. We asked, we trusted Him so much. We read the bible everyday, we pray every moment and we believe in Him to deliver. When our lives get better... that's what we will say: "You shouldn't expect us to return favour to you". We started to not going to church, not reading bible, not ever pray, ... Are we taking God for granted?

When my heart broke, it reminds me that God hearts was broken too... because of what I did...

How much more longer for us to realise that we shouldn't hurt Him anymore and start serving Him?

- How does it feel? -

Food!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ya... I have been wanting to eat food... and it's hard to keep track what I have been eating for the past 2 days... goodness... it has been quite a bit seriously... from cakes, cookies, rice, noodle, pork, chicken, rambutan, langsat, duck, vegetables, etc. etc. etc... and I just had a full bowl of rice with a stir fry vegetables and yet... I am hungry again! I guess.. somehow, from someone who hates food, I becoming to likes it to much...........this is dangerous, don't you think? hahahaha...

- food -

Emotionally challenged!

It has been for a while now...

Well, I am not sure if a lawyer should be good in their EQ, but seriously, I think that's the reason why we lawyer quit practise after a while. We can be physically so tired due to reading, thinking and arguing. More over, there are challenges from client, from opponent and from the judges that causes us to be so emotionally challenged. Seriously, I thought that's just because they are 'work'...

But I got so tired physically and emotionally lately not due to work alone... but due to church ministries. Seriously, when 2 items came at the same time instead of one, I find it too hard to cope.

Oh well... due to all these, and without a listening ears which I can share (most of the matters are private and confidential), I find myself just about to collapse... and just about then, I am reminded of Psalm 23 and a book written by Max Lucardo, "Travelling Light"...

Yes, again, I am 'going back' to the previous me... where I used to only talk to God! or rather, where I CAN ONLY talk to God. ... Lord... yes... I need you and you heard what I said to you. Please intervene... and help me to put all the burdens in you ... and relax... !

Yes... I am just about to gone insane, Lord!!! [thank God my EQ is very high, otherwise, I can't imagine]

- Emotionally challenged! -

Death!

It could be age, it could be too lonely, it could be anything... it just happen that this topic keep flashing in my mind these few days! Yes, I know many do know I always wanted to die young, for a very simple reason... I hate this world. If you have not know the reason until now, well, let me reveal to you, that, I hate this world. Can't be true? Why? Because I have a wonderful parents, a loving brother and his family and a respectable career and lots of friends? Hmm... oh well, that's what EVERYONE is hoping to have isn't it? Ya, I got them all... and all those dropped from heaven... by God to my hand. I don't own them seriously.... one day, all these will fade away. First thing first, friends... I can't seems to have close friends to be precise. Ya, it's just me... people just doesn't count me as their close and good friend, that's all... so, none of my friend stays as close friend after a while and then... I started to realised they started to betrayed me, they started to look down at me, they started to... whatever it is. You name them! [it's painful to count them now]. Then... job, which seriously I do not think it will last forever..and then of course family... well, everybody knows I don't have my own family. So.... which of those are what you call, a 'good life'... besides... having God?

I started to realised I can only rely on God and trust Him when I was as young as 7 years old [i know i am pathetic] and so, of all my day and night... I just want to be with Him. So, the idea of wanting to die young created ever since then.

Death... I happen to attend 2 funeral services within a month time and in both occassion, it's like a reminder from God for me not to put any hope on people arounds me. As I was trying to imagine how death would be, I was driven back to the day I was being anesthetic during an operation about 2 years ago. My memories suddenly recalled the incident recently. It's seriously not a very good memory... Oh well... death... am I thinking about death? Hmm... I think I am...

- Death -

Conflict Style Description

I was thought of these few conflict style description during a few hours of seminar by John Ng during the Eagle Leadership Conference. I must tell you, I had a dilemma when during the whole conference as I was asked to think of someone whom I always have conflicts with and than, focus on the issues and try to resolve the conflict arounds it. Oh well, when I was asked to pair with a pastor and talked about it (we knew each other), I ended up having problem finding that 'someone'. Not that I don't have, .... just that... well, you will see when I put on the conflict style description as stated below (I will explain mine in a while): -

(a) Constant Naggings

(b) Harsh Start-ups

(c) Criticism

(d) Contempt

(e) Defensiveness

(f) Stonewalling

(g) One Leg Kicking (the subject falling into the same pattern of behaviour and using the same style in dealing with the conflicts that arise with the other party).

(h) Failure in Repair and Failure to Repair

(i) Smiling Tiger; Hidden Dragon (the subject behaving as if everything is okay towards the conflicting party even though the subject is still angry. The subject also acts as if things are fine in the presence of external parties such as friends and relatives, as he/she does not want external parties to know about his/her problems, even though much resentment and anger still resides in the subject's heart.

(j) Confession Approach

(k) Physical Violence

(l) More Negativity than Positivity

After we were told of these styles, we were all given a test. This it he most difficult test ever because I couldn't think of anyone and so, a person came into mind and I did the test based on this person.

The test shown that, I have always used this conflict styles: Stonewalling and Smiling Tiger, Hidden Dragon.

Yes, in any and every conflicts situation, these styles seems to came in and either you will see me smile and pretend I don't feel anytihng or you will see me listening without any action and let the other party to finish it and leave. But I must remind you, that as it is described, you will add on hurts and angers in me ... and as a human being, it will burst one day!

Ya... if you are about to or planned to have a conflict with me in near future, bear in mind this, that I might 'assess' you based on what I learn at Eagle Leadership Conference. hahahaha... see, I am taking conflict as 'fun' too... isn't that cool?

- Conflict Style Description -

Lesson!

Oh well... I am attending Eagle Leadership Conference held at Kota Kinabalu, Sabah. Today is the second day and I must admit that I benefited from it a lot. Well, I have been reminded of how to be a listener to avoid conflict and also to be a good leader/king.

But when I came home, I realised, I am not having problem with listening, I am having problem finding listener arounds me...............I did wanted to share the happiness I experienced today, but.... well, no listener... after 1 minute of talking, I HAVE TO shut up........... Oh well, may be it is time to go back to the 'old me' ... to 'prayed' (those of you who attended the conference, will know what it means) [*I am doing the fingers*]. Hmm...........OK. OK. I will S.U.M.O.

- Lesson! -

Unexpected!

I was being assigned by another lawyer to handle her mother's matter to go against another lawyer. Ya... i know this is complicated. It gets more complicated when later, the one who is being sued (defendant), filed an application to bring in a third party who is the father of the lawyer to assigned me. I was seriously angry and furious when I was served a notice to add the third party into the suit and I have always wanted to strike the application out.

I have been having 'worries' in me since last week (that's the main cause why I couldn't sleep well for the past one week until today) as the hearing for my application to strike out the Defendant's application is fixed for hearing today. I have filed and served my written submission but yet, I am having this feeling that this morning's hearing won't be as easy as getting a ruling date. Well, both the Defendant's lawyer and myself were present this morning and we both agreed that we should just get a ruling date. Well, unexpectedly, the Judge (my favourite judge so far) has asked us if we are ready for hearing today. Well, I am and that's the reason why I was reading and preparing for today's hearing last night. Well, ...

Court gave us 30 minutes to prepare and after the 30 minutes, my case was called and there we go, giving our oral submission. I have no idea how good or how bad it was,... things got through and the judge seems agreed with my point and has questioned the defendant badly and at the end, he granted to me my application to strike out the third party notice and statement of claim.

Seriously, this is unexpectedly. But after all the worries I got, well, at least it's worth it by succeeded in my application filed.

- unexpected! -

Timing!

I was talking to a friend about timing.... as the bible has taught us, everything has its time and so, I always try to remind myself about doing different things at a different timing. My nephew always asked me to play with him during meal time and I asked him why did he always ask me to play with him during meal time and not after meal time. He laughed. I know he knew he shouldn't but he just want to make sure I get annoyed and see if I will break the rules.

I was very free two weeks ago and hence, I planned to get things done before the busy days arrives. However, during my free time, people who should give me information have been busy with things and hence, they weren't be able to furnish me with information I needed. My busy days has arrived since last week and somehow, other people are free now and so, they bothers me. One by one... I am not sure why didn't they want to look for me last week or so... and why didn't they come yesterday or Monday where I am less busy then today and the following days? Hmm.. it's just so weird of how free I can be some time and how busy I can be on another time.

Well, speaking on demanding. Many thought I am demanding for the past 2 weeks because I was free and I wanted things to be done and so people thought I pushed them too much. Now, the time is closer and closer to the due date and now, they are pushing me by calling me, my sms me to get things done and seriously, I didn't have the time to rush for them now. Time is one of the reason, the others would be, ... why now? Yeah... suddenly, I just have the "don't want to bother" momentum in me...

Ya... wrong timing that is... speaking of workload, seriously, I do not think anyone whom i know has more than what I have. Yes, I am told I have a choice to not attend some of the conferences. If you give me the choice and the freedom to choose, priority wise, I think there's only one I shouldn't even bother and that's the one I do not have momentum in. So... I hope things won't be last minute (I am not a last minute person at all) and I hope they don't come to me on a WRONG TIMING!

- Timing! -

Disturbed!

Well, not that I am disturbed by anyone or anything in particular.. I am just emotionally disturbed. First with the feeling of insecure in me over my career. It is like no guarantee in whatever I do and my future in particular is not guaranteed and secure. Well, not that career would guarantee anything in future in the first place, just that.. at least, it should be something which I can look forward to. AT least an aim should be there for me to achieve. So, ya... due to the insecure feeling I had, I applied to colleges to start my teaching career. Again, yes, I do understand that this will not too to be able to secure my future. Only God and His promise will!

I was so pleased to be informed by 2 phone calls that 2 colleges are looking for law lecturer at the moment. One, part time and one, full time. I went to the part time and for an obvious reason, I do feel it is more acceptable ... because of the amount of time committment I need to give to a part time job. For a 3 hours work of a week, I will get that amont of pay, I think it is good. That's the first college.

The second one ... is a full time job. Trust me, i drove in to the college compound and I realised no one drives a Kelisa or Kancil in that college. Every car I seen is at least Toyota Vios level and most of the, are a better car then Vios. I feel intimidated... seriously... hahaha...

Well, I am yet to decide which one to go... but i think since the full time college is very intimidating... i might just accept the existing part time offer and try another part time somewhere. Well...

Yes, I am distrubed... very much disturbed by my career path... it's time to think "is this the time?". Well, I always say I want to only go for it when I am at the highest level in life. Is that so? or shall it be ... according to His time?

- Disturbed! -

"Lao Fu Zhi"?

I have always read that this "Lao Fu Zhi" sat on a chair which the paint was not dried and he ended up sticked himself on the chair, because he didn't see the "wet paint" sign.

I have never seen those chair before... and I wonder who will do that. On my last visit to Macau, I saw this guy painting the chairs.... and he does put on a sign saying "Wet paint". So, it reminds me of "Lao Fu zhi". I was so excited and asked my dear friend to took a photo for me. hahaha...

- "Lao Fu Zhi" -

Frustration!

I am not sure what triggled up my 'frustration' towards a lots of things besides me. I can be just emotional challenged lately. I am not sure. It's weird somehow to think about fairness and demand that to be exercised while we know, it doesn't exist in this fallen world. Well, stupidlly, I still demand that ... and I made my demands towards something which I know it will only hurts feelings of others and yet, I still wanna do it. Is this call human nature? or sinful nature?

Whatever it is, England and Mexico are feeling the same I am sure.... that there's injustice in this world. Two different occasions, two different cities and 8 difference referees and yet... technology has shown us that they were at WRONG and both teams, 2 nations released their frustration and due to that, same consequences resulted, we lose!

So what if we know we are 'winning', we were correct? so what? we are still loser anyway.... argue over it? come on... it only affects our emotions and it will detrimental to our spiritual walk and healthy soul. At the end, we are losing.

I am seriously frustrated with all these what I call 'non-sense' from the church leadership, from the members, from my clients, from my bosses, from everyone in the world. Put it this way, we are trying to find a balance point somewhere to make the scares LOOKS a bit 'balance' and yet, child as young as 2 years old know, it's IMPOSSIBLE!

While I was waiting in court this morning, I took the liberty to THINK on just one point: what do i want. My niece thought me this lesson 2 days ago. Instead of toys, i bought my nephew and niece some clothes this time as their parents said they have too many toys and they won't be able to bring to England in August. I know what they expect from me... TOYS! But, i bought them clothes... truely, they were disappointed because they can't play with their TOYS with me this time... and my niece got angry, throw the clothes to me and cried. (she got her punishment after that - from her mom). I was then thinking... see, my little niece also know what she wants... how can I not know what i want... "what exactly i want?"

I guess i am burned out. Seriously does... till a point where I really think throwing things and cry is the best think I can do for now. hahaha... Well, so I have the idea... of trying to 'throw' things up and out and to cry...

Ya... I am thinking of giving up on a lots of things lately... life is not one... not to worry! hahaha...

- Frustration! -

Holiday - Macau Day 2 & 3

It's the 2nd day and we woke up early as usual, but instead of Dim Sum breakfast... ghoosh.. I finally got to eat bread/western breakfast!!!! I think it's the BEST breakfast I had for that week... hahahaha...

Well, after the delicious breakfast, we walked to the bus station and we took a bus to Taipa. With the help of a map and a 'walking GPS', we got into Taipa while it is still too early for everyone to open for business. We walked around and we got ourselves a few things, including my ankle guard. That ankle guard is soo oooooo good that I didn't feel any pain on my injured ankle after that... hehehe... but it cost really a lot though. Anyway, we walked around in Taipa, ate some really nice local made ice cream and lunch and we headed back to Macau, where the ruin of St.Paul located. We visited the ruin.. and we visited the museum. It was really nice and we headed back to hotel to take our shower... and ... DY suddenly strucked by headache... terrible one.

Well... we spent our evening somewhere near the fountain the whole night... and it's fun of having nothing much to do but walking around. DY met with her hometown mate and we ended our 2nd day after that

Day 3, we got up and walked to the beach side in the town before heading to Taipa, "V", a casino.....'s shopping mall. hehehe.. We spent about 3 hours there before going back to ruin of st.paul for the last visit (to buy food) and to airport after that. Well... it's relaxing trip indeed!

- Holiday - Macau Day 2 & 3 -