Tough!

Today I attended the last church service for 2013. It's probably the only service I arrived on time, or rather earlier ... As my mom started to feel how worry and stress and difficult it is for me for the past few weeks and had taken over some 'task' from me.... Speaking of love of a mother, I guess she does know I am holding up myself so hard for the past week.

Seriously, I don't know how did she do it for 3 years now.... She is amazing!!! I wonder if I am able to do that if I am her. Anyway, I guess my limit for all these is very limited and shallow as I am very sure I am not 'made' for the post of a mother or wife. God definitely know this part of me better than myself. 

Anyway, let's get back to tonight service. I was sitting there pondering over issues for the past year before the service started. This year's Christmas definitely was a new experience for me.  I was literally being put in the shoes of those who are sick, weary,worry, vulnerable during the Christmas season. It's not pleasant to be honest. To see all your friends and relatives are happily meeting up, arranging meals, gathering, leaving me behind because of my condition. It's not pleasant either not having been able to 'dig' out some joyful mood for the joyous occasions. 

This whole year is not pleasant. With the conflict I had with my uncle, with the tough economic conditions, with my constant flying, with my unpleasant works and cases, with not having a home church and the opportunity to serve God, it is killing.... And my life is so unsettled to a point, I myself feeling so lost.  

When the songs asked us to sing on are to thank God.... It's the first time I struggle through the whole songs crying both in my heart and eyes...do I not thank Him? Of course I do. I wouldn't have survived if He did not faithfully bring me through.  He has been my ONLY support. But with all that's He allows to happen to me for the past years, I do not know if I should thank Him for allowing it. It is just too much for me to bear.  I am suppose to have a week of holiday and I ended up to have not only none, but pending works for weeks!

Why is He doing these for me to bear? Why? Can't He spares me and deliver me and have mercy on me?

Why is this blog is alive? Simple. By now, I have no one else to talk to.  I just feel like crying over and over again! It is depressing seriously.... When will all these stop?

Just right after service, 2 persons came and talked to me on the same issue. I just couldn't withhold mt tears. I guess they didn't know what to say and I just changed the topic. I seriously cannot stand anymore I think. If it wasn't for a lunch on Christmas and movie and tea/cake time, I don't think I am able to survive until now.... 

This year is ending soon. I hope everything ends soon too! Lord, please....

- extremely tough-

The reason!

I guess until today, many still wonder why I did what I did for the past few years. Many have the opinion that may be I feel better doing what I have been doing. But I must say, those opinion is not exactly correct entirely. If, only if you understand what it means to have not seeing your love ones suffer together with you, you will understand why I did all these. Pains on me no matter how, but to be able to release them from suffering with me is what I choose to do.  Not that I am not missing them. Not that I do not want them to be in my life, not that I do not want to call them, not that I do not want to share with them, ... It is just that I am withholding all these in my heart simple because I know and wish they do not spend too much time and energy on me and matters concerning me.  My life is never easy ... And that's my burden to bear, not theirs.  They deserves better and happier lives and that's exactly what I want them to have.

I guess I was and is just trying to love them in a very different way.  

If you ask me if I miss them? Yes, of course I do. Every moment of my life. 

Do I wish they are around? Of course I do. But I shouldn't be selfish. They too have a life to lives and I wish them all the best in finding what they are suppose to do and live life to the fullest. No one should be accountable to me and my life. 

Well, ... It's not pleasant not to have them around all the time, but it is too painful to see them suffer with me. 

- a deep feeling indeed, which I have chosen!-

Christmas 2013

I don't know how many more Christmas I will celebrate. I do not know how many times more I can celebrate Christmas with my parents, both of them together.  I must add, each year, it only gets tougher... 

I almost give up half way through this year as I need to take care of both alone. Wit my capacity of not knowing and have never take care of anyone in my life, it adds on to the challenges. With the high demands of my mom towards EVERYTHING, as this is her house, I can assure you my emotions were challenged to the maximum! I remember one night I couldn't stand and I told someone and she told me to hang in there as it will past! I am glad there are few more who sent me messeges helping me to focus rather than just sorting out chores!

Mom obviously recover slower as she is no longer young. People might need 2 weeks, but she needs about a month to fully regain her strength! I am glad all my uncle and aunties are around to help! However, I need to prepare to go back to Kk to work after 2 weeks away! There are just too many works hanging around and even my studies is hanging .... 

The best of this year's Christmas, or rather the highlight is that I still managed to attend both the services and enjoy myself very much! Thank God Sarah is back!!!! Otherwise, I will be sitting all by myself! ...in additional, I am glad to have had lunch with HZ and annie after few years.....a moment of chatting and all enough to release my tension! What more when I met Sophia, Siew yun and Susan at giant while helping my mom to get what she wants! 

Well, it is good to have friends around this Christmas even though it is tough! 

Well, no Christmas dinner tonight. Simple meals for me and my mom... But we finished dinner earlier, enjoyed ice cream together while watching Disney's the Christmas carol! 

It is a memorable Christmas after all! 

- merry Christmas! -

Pre Christmas...

It has been a tough few weeks and for the past few days, it's worse. Everyone is having fun on holiday except me! Well, I keep telling myself I will be on holiday in May 2014. Whenever I wonder when will all these end, I remember a friend told me, "Pei San, soon... Few more days to go!" Haha... Of course we were sharing as to what happen to us this whole 2013. I am not the only one suffering. Few of us on the same year too.... And all has relations with our parents. 

I am just tired. Not physically but mentally, spiritually and physically. Trust me, it is not fun not being able to get involve in ministries for years and all. No caroling, no cell group, no friends, no interaction, no involvement in any directions of my life! It is seriously what I call, a dead and not working soul that walks around...

Trust me, I have been praying the whole day today for His mercy! I cannot stand anymore. I have work, studies and parents to take care. It is crazy. Expenses wise, I am paying for 2 houses of expenses. 3 staffs's salary, mt tuition fees, my other expenses. 

If I am qualify to suffer from major depression, I dunno who else is. If I can cope and yet still being think I am depressed, I am speechless!! 

Depressed, sick and being Demon possessed? Hahaha.... I don't think they know what it means to be me. Or their lives are just too good and they cannot comprehend at all. Well, wait till they suffer they same one day... Then, I will just stand there and tell them I had done it and my turn is over. Hahaha...

For now, I really cannot stand!!!

-pre- Christmas!-

Tough ending!

Just when I entered December, I have just constantly met and meeting challenges. I was calculating whether I have enough to cover this month expenses, my university has sent me an invoice! To be honest, I just emptied my bank account and when holiday ends, I will need to go to the bank first thing in the morning to sort out the fixed deposit and overdraft facilities. 

When a law firm in this stage, you probably realised how few conveyancing transaction we had in the past few months. This is seriously worrying. 

Just when I was worry for that, I received phone call around 930pm one evening from my mother telling me she's not well.  There after, I was stuck in Tawau for a week and nothing in the office moves including billing clients, meeting clients, have new cases, etc. things just stopped. More so, with all these, my washing machine and water heater went dead and I have to get a new one. When I came back from the one week to sort out all office works, I found my Astro decorder went dead too, leaving me without entertainment at all.

I managed to get works sort out, at least most of it before I go back to Tawau today. I even had a great chat with my personal tutor Professor Graeme Laurie yesterday, but when I was woke up and got myself ready to go to the airport, I received SMS from the airlines that my flight has rescheduled from 705am to 955am.

Life is certainly not going smooth still. But I am glad I am going back home for Christmas. I hope flight is on time now as I am waiting for it to depart while I am typing this with my only Christmas present, my new iPad mini, as consolation. 

I cannot wait for 2013 to end!!! 

- Merry Christmas! -

Key : Trust in the Lord!

I feel that "I am back" to the normal me after such a long time.... KK has driven me crazy for sure.  Ever since I moved to KK, things has never been 'normal'.  My first feeling was, "damn, i am being cheated". First, it's my job, my ex-partner definitely wasn't truthful on the real facts of the set up of the firm.  I ended up being a monkey in a wilderness. Yes, wilderness because I don't know this place at all.  I couldn't find a church that I can attend in the first 5 months.  Attended All Saints Cathedral but I didn't feel welcome at all.  In this city, I can count with one of my hand the total number of people I know.   I was staying in a small unit rented by faith through a friend of mine. Let's not talk about how the unit was the moment i stepped in. I feel like a spider myself.... and with nothing with me to clean the unit, I slept through the night on the floor, alone.
Life has not been good over the past 8 years in KK and I have forgot when did I stop sending out Christmas card to all my oversea friends.  Amazingly.... I just remember to do that this year.  I am back... reconnected to all my close friends (all oversea) and focusing on to achieve my dream and disconnected with people that detrimental to me.
2013 is ending.  I have to be very frank with you that my bank account is not having much saving.  I have used 80% of it on air tickets and taxi fares, but my bank account is not empty either.  God has been faithful and he has provided for my needs for the past 12 months without me worrying, in fact, we have extra to sort out computers, networking and internet problem in the office.  Someone asked me how I survive 2013 since I closed down conveyancing work and I don't do developer's job, etc.  I can only says, I have angels walked in who gave me works enough for me to sustain for a few months.  God is good.  He sent and He provides.
Even though I don't know how I can survive in 2014, but I guess, the only key is ... to trust God.
2013 is not a very prosperous year because we have stopped all conveyancing works.  However, I am hoping and praying that God will open another path for me to venture.  I am setting 2014-2016 as year of studying.  I really hope .... despite the busy schedule in my studies, I do not need to worry so much about finances.
Lord, I cry out to you.... please help me, provide to me and continue to  bless me...!
- End of 2013 -