Weddings!!!

Surprise surprise.... I think I am entering into another stage of life where, instead of not attending weddings at all, I do attend some very close friend's wedding.  Wait... not close friends... it's some friends I appreciated.  It's weird.... because not even my brother's wedding I attended and since then, attending wedding is... nothing important and something to be excite about at all.  This month, I just happen to put some efforts to attend 2 weddings.  One, belonging to a friend who always 'around' despite the distance we are at.  Proximity doesn't seems to be something that bothers her to be 'around' of me during the hardest time of my life.  And of course, ever since she is with Michael, I am being included still.... we are not close at all ... but ... I appreciate the inclusion and I wanted to be there during her happiest moment in life... 

The second one I am to attend ... is from someone who has been so successful in her career and somehow who is also not physically around me but has shared her happiest moment with me when Ray proposed ... the whole story was so real and excited.  I haven't met Ray, but I somehow 'know' him because of her.  I feel included in their life and I wanted to witness the happiest moment in their life.  With all efforts made, I received the wonderful invitation card posted to my new address.  That sincerity somehow touched me so much... that I feel being included and being wanted.  It's hard to get included these days because of my sicknesses.  But I am being included anyway.  I appreciate this a lot.  She was my cell member when she was in high school... I haven't seen her for the past 16 years.... and we have not contacted each other until 2 years ago.  

I am attending the weddings for 2 reasons:  

(a)  To witness the happiest moment of those whom I really appreciate; and

(b)  To make sure they understand their vow ... more than the 'needs of getting married' struck in. 

And with the blessing I am going to give to them, I hope and wish the marriage I witnessed last forever... until one of them depart from this world.  

I have attended one so far... and I am going to another one next week.  Can't wait... 

- weddings!!!-

Partner

Am i suppose to have a partner in my firm? I mean, i need a partner... but i cannot affort the 'stress' and risk in my firm/ job.... and my life. I don't think i wanna try to have another partner or close friend to be around to tell me my expectation to them is too high.... to join me as my partner in work, my expectation is even more higher than i am expecting from a friend.... because at all time, i can have less expectation with love.... but i won't love my partner at work.... i will only make them work and bring money into the firm.

I do not want to 'kill' any more people.....

May be i am destined to lives alone.... and lives better alone! Well, at least i managed to get through the darkest moment in my life all by myself!

- partner-

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Put yourself on people's shoes.

Based on how i was treated, i am so eager for the moment that people whom treated me so badly will meet their darkest moment in life.  To make them feeling and being treated exactly how they treated me!  That's my wish for now... i can't wait for the moment to arrive to see how suffering and in pain they are and just stand there not helping, happily going through my happy life without bothering and communicating... and to make them suffer the way they 'created' and made for me to suffer.... i am very sure their dark moment in life will come their way soon... but this time, all i need to is to celebrate and be happy to show them, they deserve it! 

Am i holding a grudge against them? Tell me you wouldn't if you are in my shoes and went through a hell like life created by them which they forced you to walk through it yourself! If you won't, then.... may be you are in a position to judge me. Is this a misunderstanding? At first i thought it was..but not anymore! It's more than 11 months now.. it can't be misunderstanding anymore.  I am waiting... (lets hope i have a long life to wait for it to happen).  I am definitely going to celebrate when that moment arrives. Can't wait!!!

- put yourself on people's shoes -

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I have decided!

I guess this is the first time I managed to tell someone what really caused me depressed.  I hate to admit it, but, it is.. the church.  This is my 6th years in KK.  When I was at the last week in FCC, Bishop John was in KL and he prayed for me departure and arrival in KK.  Hence, he came to know that I am coming back to Sabah for good.  I didn't attend CCL straight even though I knew before hand that he's going to be the rector there.  During the training, Rev Sng has also invited to CCL a couple of times but I have refused, simply because I do know lots of people in ASC and I think it would be easier for me to adapt.  After a few months of attending ASC, on one sunday, by invitation by a 3rd party, I went to CCL.  Bishop John saw me but has not purposely welcome me... and he do know me well that I do not like to be 'known' too much.  That sunday evening, was an ordination service and as usual, I attended.  Bishop John asked me how did I feel about CCL.  I told him and he invited me to go again when I want to.  

I prayed about it for a few weeks... and I was convinced that ASC is probably not a church that I will grow in.  But I was so convicted and convinced by God that to attend CCL, I am to help that church to grow .... with, or without Bishop John's presence.  With Bishop Vun's approval and consent, I have transferred to CCL with the condition that I will still help the Diocese in any event if they needed me.  I then was still holding a post as warrant officer at the Girls Brigade.  I told myself, I will remain in this church and serve Him faithfully no matter who the priest in charge or rector is... until and unless God send me to somewhere else.  

I must say, for 6 years of serving Him in this church, I have never loose faith in Him and the people in CCL.  But unfortunately, these 6 years of ministries has caused me feeling so depressed and so upset and so discouraged.  At the end, it's not me who gave up on CCL.  It's CCL who gave up on me first...  Just because of my promise to God 6 years ago, I was trying so hard to go back to CCL over the past few months... but I guess I am greatly being rejected and hence... I have decided to give up on CCL.  

I still hope this church will grow... but I will not serve God in this church anymore.  

- I have decided! - 

What to be consider?

What exactly you need to consider when you are in a relationship and about to commit into a life long commitment?  No.  I am not the best person whom can give you a good advice because I am not the one who is so adventurous and to be able to step the step into such a huge commitment in life.  Call me 'chicken'.  I am just not as brave.  For a simple reason... that I am contented with my current situation and if this relationship thingy or life long commitment is not going to give me better life than my current situation, .. i would rather not to step out that step.  A smart friend used to told me this when I told her I am in a relationship.  Her only question was "is he good for you?".  I guess that question is very much valid.  If he is not going to give you anything 'better' or 'good', may be you should re-consider it.  After knowing that my dear brother who just passed away 2 weeks ago which suffered such pain for the past 8 years after marrying his wife, is really upsetting... I wonder why such a nice man deserve such outcome by just one decision he made? The worse is to seeing his children in suffering now and yet, we can't help much.... I am just feeling so upset over this issue... 

- What to be consider? -    

Sad

If you think losing a friend is sad enough.... it's not as sad as when their family member called me asking how they help my friend's children legally... from being abused or rather continuous abuse from my friend's wife, whom he married after knowing her for 6 months.... The worse is, i was told, my dear brother and friend had suffered tremendous mental and physical suffering from his wife and he was about to divorce his wife as his last wish.... It's just sad to keep hearing all these marriage issues almost everyone think i made the right choice for not marriying.... i won't say i thank God for not marrying and still keep a relationship for years.... i just don't like to know that those i know is suffering from marrige and not enjoying God's intention for marriage. I still believe 2 is better than 1.  But i cannot deny the fact that many just married because of that verse in the bible but has failed to make the marriage as 'better'.  Instead, many conflicts in family happens because a new member is adde to a family, be it due to marriage or due to pregnancy - adding another child.  Marriage is suppose to be 'better'... but that's not the message i get lately....

People, please don't married because of lust, because of blind love,because your biological is out of time, because everyone is married, because you need someone to be around....  think properly why do you want to get married! Please....

- Sad -

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Parties...

Many times, in an argument.... we will keep fighting and fighting and argue and argue without 'listening' well to others what exactly they meant when they put certain words out.  i.e.  a child keep telling her mom that he doesn't like her dad's mother (grandma).  No one take that remark seriously.. because he is just a child.  Not until things happen and we started to blame each other for not paying enough attention to the child.  We assume responsibility be taken care of for both dad and mom, but... apparently, that's not true.  Sometimes or most of the time, one party will not take it seriously and in worse scenario, both parties or all parties listened but not heard what the child is telling them.  

For the past 1 year, that's exactly what I feel like.  That everyone just busy with their own works and other things and neglected wholly of what I was saying and/or trying to tell.  When things gone wrong, all the parties blaming each other and they even blamed me for not telling them or doing my part to do more.  Well, I have tried enough to seek attention from others.  Signals were given to many that "I am tired".  Did anyone remember when was the first time I mentioned that and did any heard what I was trying tell you? When thing goes wrong, they all blamed me saying my focus on God is not align.  Not only they blamed it on me, they blamed in on God.  

I remember I was quite upset when Caroline told me after 2 months of helping me to take care of the cell group that, "you must not rest for too long.  this responsibility is yours and you need to take it up".  Without knowing whether I can or not? She didn't hear what I told her.  "I am tired" and "I can't do it anymore".  

Debbie always found me dead when I returned from Tawau and besides asking me why and trying to listens, all she did was to scold me as if it help.... Vanessa? Ever since she found her group of friends, she has left for a long long time.  I can't remember when was the last time I told or share with her of what's bothering me.  Generally.... there's signals given but everyone just so happy and busy with their own life and neglected me.  

My friend described that even looking for me and share with me, her heart is still pain and can't get through.  I totally understand that feeling.... yes, not until the PARTIES or one of the party who is willing to sit down, listens and support and encourage you, it's just so hard not to feel upset and depressed.  It's like completely no support and completely like under the water, drowning.... 

I guess to them, it's a waste of time to just hear me out for 1 hour.  For a year plus now, 1 hour gathering with me or see how am I doing is ... waste of time. They have other things to busy with.  So yes... even though lives move on.... I will forever remember in my life that during the most difficult time in my life, everyone left me to deal with it alone and there's no support given at all from them and the church.  

Out of control or In the hand of God?

There are many times, we thought we can handle certain things in our life and that once it falls within what we expect, we are telling ourselves that God blessed us and/or it is everything in order.  There are however, many times in life, when things not happen in accordance to our wish and/or expectation, we started to blame God and to think it's our of our hand and that God is the one who control over things.. and we started to push everything back to God.  

Is our life belong to God? This year has been a very challenging year for me.  God has taken everything away from me... at first, but He has somehow restored it all with double portion to me when things started to fall apart.  By looking at what had happen and what is still happening, I do not know whether I should consider things is out of hand/control or that He has planned it all and blessed me.  It is the first time, I realised, work/income is so tiny of a thing in my life.  For 6 months of not working, I am not only alive without adjudicate bankrupt, but I have received more than what I never imagine I would have.  My friend told me my God is not fair.  She needs to work day in day out to feed her family, her workers, and yet me... I have rested at least 6 months.  I don't think anyone can have that 'luxury' of not working for 6 months and still survive... in additional to that, after the 6 months, I was given a firm, many more incomes, a condominium, etc. etc. 

I am now confused.  By not attending church, left all these people who hurt me, it seems like, that's how much I get more closer to God.  My eldest and respected cousin sister told me "stay away from all the people who dragged me down and stay away from negative people".  It's hard to consider that they are in those category.. but, somehow when I managed to, God shows me and told me that, "all i have done previously was for Him".  So if anyone who goes against me, they were against God.  For 6 years, I did so much for the Lord, no one recognised and acknowledged my efforts done.... not a word of 'thank you'.  That's all right... God has stepped in now and pat on my shoulder and tell me "you are my good and faithful servant.  I appreciated what you did for Me and your work has finished".  

Just when I think everything is out of control, I then realised, everything falls in His hand... 

-Out of control or in the hand of God? - 

Why?

I am at the age where most of my friends have already married for years and with children, etc.... and that's because i am single, i have somehow become their 'target' of sharing. Almost everyone i met any/or i received call from these days, are those who just wanna find some 'outlet' to share about their problem as a wife, as a daughter in law. Some, for the first time after 14 years of marriage, has finally cannot stand the hurts their spouse did and wanted to give up the marriage.  Some, complain some characteristic of their spouse that they cannot accept, some, complain that their spouse is no longer sexy and too fat, some complain their spouse refuse to have sex with them, some complain their spouse doesn't care much about their children or their family members, some, complain their spouse didn't care about them more than their spouse's siblings, some complain their spouse did not help them with housework or taking care or teaching their children, some even regret marrying their spouse, etc etc... the worse is, after some of their children who has grown up, one of them think their responsibility for their spouse is over and they look for other partnerjust to fulfill their lust.  Just when i thought these kind of things only happen to those who has married for years, to my horror, i found out a friend who just got married 2 years ago has suffer from the result of marriage and all he told me when he knows i went for mission trip and all was, he regret marrying and he kids.  He wish he is single.

I have also encounter people who tells me they can't wait to get married. Those, who think only by marrying, their life is complete.  I hav always been in this category. Twice i was at the stage of getting married and twice, i wasn't able to do it. I called both times, my problem. I guess i just have difficulties to commit and i just think nothing, no one will last. And if my love one and spouse fall sick and i have to take up all the responsibility and to take care of him, i won't be able totake it.  Losing friends already gave me so strong of an impact in life, and what more if i am losing my love one?

But i cannot understand those who has taken up the responsibility and only relised all these foreseeable certainty that set in to their life now. If they have agreed to get married, why make such a big issue now, after so many years of marriage? No one force them to married. They choose it themselves and now they regret? As if, their have a choice now because this world now allow married people to escape from their vow and divorce only by costing them a few thousands?

I don't get it.... why people getting married for these days... for lust? For temperory satisfaction and pride? Where is the love that says, it can cover all sins and imperfection?

-why?-

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