Mind 2

Guess what's in my mind most of the nights? hehe.. yup. Suicidal thoughts... cool huh? Mind is really not something I can control....

- Mind 2 -

Mind...

Mind is something I cannot control.... but people are expecting that I can really control my emotions and thinking... too bad, I can't. It has been for months now that I woke up by a 'thinking'. To lodge a complain to Pengarah of Queen Elizabeth hospital and Jabatan Kesihatan about a misconduct of a doctor and a pharmacist. I guess, until and unless I have done it, otherwise, I will keep be thinking of doing it. Shall I? For my own benefit...

- Mind -

Mistakes!

It's not very easy for me to ask for help. That goes to my mother. Everyone who came forward and asked us "what can we do to help you?" will be given an answer of "I can't think of any at the moment". May be it's in our nature that we don't ask help from others. Since young, I find it strange to ask help from others. The thing is, ... I always think asking help from others will give problems and troubles from others. I will end up causing lots of unhappiness and inconveniences from others. However, some friends told me that's what friends are all about... to be around and help when you need help. Base on that, I really tried lots of efforts to make sure I ask for help when I do need help.

I am convinced however, that ... I made mistakes by asking for help. I asked help from close friends months ago... and then... I asked help fromt he church. Ended up, it's the century mistakes made. I am so convinced that if, only if I didn't ask help from any of those people, I wouldn't have been at this stage now, really.... I am really convinced that I shouldn't have asked help in the first place.

- Mistakes! -

Known....

*Phone rings*

Me: Hello.

A: Hi, It's HL here. Are you convenient to talk?

Me: Ya. What's up?

A: You are wanted. Do you mind to come down to my office tomorrow for a discussion?

Me: Sure.

*Call ended*

I went this morning and after I spoke to the junior partner, he bought me to the senior partner of the firm. And the following was the conversation between the senior partner and me...:-

SP: Hi, Miss Lin. How's your dad?

Me: (Shock). He is home.

SP: He is? That's a good progress. How's your mom coping so far? Where is your brother?

Me: She is alright. Brother is in England.

SP: Your dad was my secondary teacher. Such a nice man he is.... I want to offer you a job. Is that alright?

Me: (pondering) I will take that as one of the option.

SP: Good.

After a while of chatting, I apologising to him on my outfit (I didn't bring office wear home) and left left the firm wonder... is this a good thing or a bad thing?

- Known -

The Past?

It's quite ridiculous to came to know that people who made me go through everyday with extra hardship are telling me, it's the past... and they cease to talk about it and move on with life. Well, isn't that a bit irresponsible by saying that? They caused it, ... they made me STILL suffering from it every single day and it will be forever a 'wound' (lost my dad) to me.... and all they said is, it's already PAST!

I need someone to enlighten me on that statement of theirs. All I can say is, it's very irresponsible and very selfish attitudes... and to be honest, is that acceptable at all? That they just move on and wish time will 'heal' ... as if nothing happen while you are suffering it still all that is happening?

I have to admit that I am not a saint... nor an angel... nor God. I find it ridiculous when that was spoken to me....

- the past? -

Dr or Rubbish?

A week ago, while I was watching TV around 9am, mom received a phone call from hospital. She put down the phone and she told me, "Dr asked me to go to the hospital to sign a paper to proceed with dad's operation". So, we went to the hospital.... when we arrived, the Dr without explaining anything, asked mom to sign the paper. I seriously didn't look at the paper (I wish I was more sober then as i was still adapting to the new medication). My mom hesitated and asked the Dr a few more questions, and the Dr just answer her plainly that the operation is to put the VP shunt into dad's head to connect his brain to his abdomen so that water can be drained out that way. Mom asked her what are the chances of surviving and what's the chances of not surviving and before the Dr continue, here comes the head of the male surgical ward, Mr. T. He sat down next to mom and here's the conversation: -

T: You don't want to let him do the operation?

Mom: I am asking how dangerous is the operation.

T: Very simple operation. Just plug it in and that's all.

Mom: Simple and not dangerous?

T: No. Not dangerous.

Mom: with his medical condition, it's not dangerous for heart attack and all?

T: Very simple operation. You want us to do or not?

Mom: No. I don't.

T: (look at me) I don't think your mother understand.

Then, T looked at us and tell us "then you bring him home now". Then he walked off.

My question is, is he a medical practitioner? Does he has the duty to explain to my mother if he knows she wasn't understand the situation? Does he has the duty to explain the danger? Are you going to put your dad's life to such a person's hand?

I kept this to myself until someone called us to the hospital again yesterday. I told the Drs that I do not even want to speak to Mr. T again. Yes, may be he is such a good surgeon, but his attitude, I don't think he is qualify as a doctor at all. Just like a priest who never believe in prayer. Mr. T to me, is a rubbish....

Some people think they are doctor and therefore they know more things than us and they are on higher level of society, well... to be honest, to earn that respect from people, I guess their attitudes should be one of the main factor. Some who cannot keep confidentiality, must first know how to do that before treating patients. These Drs, they are not earning my respect. I am looking down at them ... worse than those rubbish collector.

- Dr or Rubbish? -