A Joke?

First it was my laptop's keyboard, ... then I thought things solved after I got myself a slim, nice and good to type keyboard. I happily used it for a day or two. Friends were telling me that I should back up my data still just in case, my computer had lung cancer... and although it's 'fixed', cancer cell might have already spreaded to other part of the computer. I have no choice but to tell them that, a funny noise occured on saturday evening when I was using it for my bill payments, etc. I shut down my computer after that and I went to sleep as I was too tired to think of anything.

But I guess things worsen when I switch on my computer the next day morning as my external hard disk has failed to function well. I thought it was just a one time thing, but it wasn't. It persisted... and worse still, this morning, when I want to copy it out all my data to my computer (I still think my computer is safer than my external hard disk now), it has failed to function. hmm... interesting.. and I am stuck now on how to back up all my files.... the supposing back up device has failed to perform its function and at the same time, together with the computer, both corrupted. Lovely isn't it?

I wonder if this is a joke... a dream perhaps? No? So, it's real? ... All right... in order for me to accept the reality, I still need to solve a few things out. I am not using the computer or the hard disk as personal leisure. Hence, there's too many urgent and important documents on the disk. More so, some scanned documents, etc.etc. including precedences for all my cause papers, etc. etc. I uses computer to 'earn' my living... and now, it has corrupted and it's hard to 'do works' or earn a living now... I am tired with all these. Seriously... and to be honest, I am asking God if this is a joke...

Can't He feel that I have enough of all these? Can't He feel that I am tired with my life and things that comes my way? Can't He make things a little bit easier for me? Can't He bless me like how He blessed others?

Don't get me wrong. I am not blaming Him for all the things happen. I am just frustrated of what I missed from Him. I just wonder if He really think I am THAT tough to handle all these thing... what is He trying to say? etc. etc.

People arounds me... they are LOVELY... most of them only demanded me to pay attention to them, to their needs, etc. etc... and they LOVE to blame me if my attention shifted a little bit to some others. When I have a crucial moment like this... hahaha... people do expect me to be able to stand here in my own position and solve all things by myself... fun ho? A friend told me before that I should ASK for help if I do need a help. Otherwise, who will know I need help. I can understand that... but same should go to those who needs my attention... I am not God... I won't be able to understand what you need unless you tell me. If you expect me to speak to you before you speak to me, doesn't that a bit too selfish? I know I can solve almost everything comes my way... but I do need a little bit of encouragment and a little bit of care too... yes?

This is seriously a joke...

- a joke? -

Unpredictable!

I came in to office yesterday morning and started to do work on one of the file. There's no instruction from the court to prepare anything in written form but I do need to prepare somehow just in case the judge ask for it later. While I was preparing, typing, researching, I suddenly realise the text on the screen wasn't that of what I typed. Suddenly, all turned to symbol and therefore, I stop typing... and even that, wording & symbol generated it on the screen by itself. First thing came to mind then was that my computer was infected. I quickly did a scan and it turned out to be free from viruses and/or malwares. With that, I turned off my computer and was trying to restart the computer. I switched on my computer, I saw the ACER logo and thereafter, a loud 'beep' sound which was loud enough to force me to press the button to switch the computer down. I tried it a few time and the same scenario occured and I started to worry about my written submission and/or other files in my computer. To ease my tension, I have no choice but to call my cousin who is the expert. He asked me a few questions and thereafter, he asked me to send the computer to him to do some testing.

Right after I spoke with my cousin on the phone, a friend called telling me she's going home as she's unwell. So, I have then decided to get 2 things done yesterday. Not my written submission because I have no computer to work it out and I have signed everything I should sign and so, I went and send my computer to my cousin's place, then brought my friend for lunch. After that, I decided to go home to get changed as I can predict that I will be busy in the afternoon. Just when I came out from my place, my cousin called to tell me the bad news. The computer's keyboard is faulty and it need to be replaced. But Acer has no stock on that old product anymore so, I might need to carry an external keyboard (I am using the flexible keyboard now...don't try.. it's lousy). Another option is to go around shops to look for a second hand keyboard. You can't believe how 'lucky' I was. For the first time, I found it... but the price is RM280 and it needs 4 to 5 days to ship from KL to KK. On top of that, there's no guarantee of it going to be working. So...

After I came out from my cousin's place around 2pm, I sent my friend to a clinic. She ended up in the clinic for hours... until 5:30pm. And that's what I did while she's suffering in th clinic, to search for my computer's keyboard.

I was feeling hopeless yesterday... with too many things floading in my mind.... so many things that's not within my control, so many things that's happen without warning... and I am just feeling 'tired' of myself, the world, my future, etc. etc.

What should I do with my computer now? ... this external keyboard is slowing down my working process.

- unpredictable -

Mind & Body

Just in case you are wondering why I am a bit 'quiet' these few days, ... it's because I am kind of busy with my research and I hope to finish it by this week. However, my mind doesn't seems cooperative today. It has refused to function since I woke up. I had difficulty even in waking up this morning. My sub-conscious mind told my body that I should wake up, but my body refused. Hence, I only woke up at 7:45am this morning. My body later requested a cup of hot milo and so, I gave a hot milo to it and after that, it still 'lau kai'... wanted to hang around at the small apartment until 8:30am. (In a way, I pushed my body to work this morning)

Came in to office, sort out a few things and let my mind think of some other points with my research and written submission and then, it stopped. It's my mind now refuses to work. Something is very wrong with my body and mind today. I have problem getting them to work together today. It is this reason that I didn't manage to sleep well for the past few days too. Hai... Anyway, I keep on reminding myself that today is Wednesday and if I don't finish at least a bit work by today, I will not be able to finish work by this week. Oh well, now that I have convinced my mind, but my body has refuses to work. Don't ask me why...

Besides this case, my mind has also some other things distrubing it, i.e. a friend who is going to get married in 2 weeks time called me to tell me her fiancee is admitted to hospital suspecting to have either T.B or lung cancer. I have no choice but to HOPE that he has T.B. (I wonder when are all these similar news ever ended).

My mind also keeps on worrying about my existing financial situation. I really praying for a stable one, i.e. to have at least income ...

My mind also worries about many other things... including tonight's cell meeting, how to fill in my tax return form, etc. etc. etc. (I know, I know.... I shall not worry about tomorrow mah... I know woh...)

Hmm... o well... again... I am surviving by grace!

- mind & body -

Back from holiday!

I finally had a good 3 1/2 days holiday. Although I went back home, but this round, I was with 2 great friends around and we went to Kapalai for 1/2 day too. So, it's relaxing... feeling so 'stressfree' to a point where I was so happy and my 2 friends thought there's something 'wrong' with me. hahahaha...

However, last night was not easy to got through. After a few days being around with a few people at all time, the sense of loneliness did struck me. "I am back to reality and I need to sort out so many things" phrase keep on appearing in my mind and the sense of 'stress', when it impressed in my heart.... (almost every second), wasn't really pleasant and comforting. It's just like a knife pierce through my heart. Thank goodness that I was tired physically as I woke up at either 6 or 6:30am everyday. Hence, I couldn't stand my tiredness anymore and went to bed quite early (11pm) last night after I was done with my laundry.

O well, ... I am back to reality now... I have tons of works to finalist today and a few submission to write too. I hope everything can be done by this week so that I don't have to 'cry' next week for not having enough time to finish works.

*********************************

I wanted to advertise a legal notice on this newspaper company last week before holiday and I asked them to advertise on last Thursday. So, as usual, I faxed the advertisement together with a cover letter to the advertising company and I left the office at 3:30pm as I had a meeting at 4pm. Right after I got into my car, my phone rang and it's from my colleague. She told me the advertising company called, said they can't advertise my legal notice because I didn't pay the last bill. I was shocked for a while as I do remember that we did paid the bill as I did our last bill to our client few days ago but I wasn't that sure until I see the file. So, I told them to go ahead with the advertisment first and I shall pay them by today.

So, first thing in the morning, I checked the file... compared the bill the advertising company faxed us with the one in the file and I found the receipt. I brought it to my colleague, the one who called me on last Wednesday. She looked at me with this 'oh dear' face and I told her to call the advertising company and told them what we have here.

It's ridiculous. First, being an advertising company, how can one refuse to advertise another LEGAL NOTICE without one paid the last bill? It's only 1, and that if there is one. Secondly, if the 'officense' is that severe, why can't they take a reasonable steps to make sure that it is not their mistake before they said something so 'irresponsible'? Thirdly, the phrase "we cannot advertise until you pay the bill" shouldn't be OUT so easily. I did told my colleague to tell them, either they advertise on last Thursday or I shall ask another advertising company to advertise. After all, it's my personal matter (my dad's to be exact) and I am willing to advertise with another company.

So, I am glad, after all, things should be cleared by now.

- Back from holiday -

Holiday!!!!!

Today starts the 4 days holiday.... and I was suppose to sleep till 10:30am as I slept at 4am, but I woke up at 8am automatically. Don't ask me why. I have no idea and I can feel that I am tired and sleepy. What did I do? Err... I finished off a TVB series... hahahahahaha....

I'll be going back to Tawau in the afternoon and this year, I'll be celebrating Easter at home. I seriously cannot remember when was the last time I celerated Easter at home. The celebration that I always remember during Easter season was those I celebrated in England. I miss it so much....!!!

Anyway, if I didn't upload anything new, I shall upload something when I get back from holiday. At the same time.... Happy Easter to you all! May you all be reminded of the reason we celebrated Easter!!!!

- Easter holiday -

Irritation!

It's a feeling of irritation that makes me feel awkward and discomfort that caused me feel moody for the past few days. Hence, my action and/or respond are also affected. It could be people, it could be incident, it could be works, it could be stress, it could be worries, it could be my health, it could be expectation, it could be tiredness, it could be my mind, it could be just me... but I am feeling it... It's irritating...!!!

I acknowledged one of my weakness all these while but still, I have failed to control over my feeling when a similar event occur. I hate my plan being disrupt and yet, the one who disrupted it has failed to take charge of the event. My principle is simple. Whoever wants to have a say on a certain event, he/she shall take charge of whatever he/she caused. Do not get me wrong. I am not saying I don't want to be part of the event anymore. I am just saying, don't expect me to take charge of that event if it is disrupted by him/her.

Some great people and great friends of course do know I feel rather irritating lately and took the initiative to get things going. I appreciate that...otherwise, I don't really know if the 'star' of the event will feel bad about the whole event. Of course, if things like that happen, I am 100% sure blame is on me...

Hai.... it's seriously not easy to be who I am. Hence, my favourite phrase "..." is used often lately.

- Irritation! -

Recovering...

I am still in the midst of recovering... from my physical sickness. Due to my sickness, I have failed to meet up with a friend.

Due to my sickness, my mother called me to check if I have fully recovered yesterday. Oh well, I have told her that some really nice friends who really took the trouble to brought me food. Knowing that they have squeezed some time out just to brought me food made me feel like I am still 3 years old. hahaha... Oh well, thanks...

Speaking of food... I have told my mom what my friends brought me... PORRIDGE... for no particular reason, I just don't like porridge. May be it taste weird when one is sick? So, since I do not like it in the beginning (not that I don't eat, just won't take it if I have the choice), it tasted even worse when I was sick. When I told this to my mom, she was laughing at me saying, everyone who is ill is SUPPOSE to eat Porridge. In a way, she is trying to tell me my friends have brought me the BEST food. hahaha... I believe they are... really... seriously... !!!

So, I guess because I don't want to eat porridge anymore and therefore, I am recovering from all sickness the soonest possible.... hahahahahaha...

- recovering -

Rest?

I received a sms during lunch time asking if I am doing ok (All because I am not online?). Told my friend I am at home resting today as fever still persist. My friend somehow sent another message : "Need rest, well, you did say you wanted rest huh? What a break!" After I read that, I can't stop laughing... indeed, I asked for a break... and I have been asking for it for months... and there I go... keep falling sick... and each time, it gone more severe.

I seriously do not know if it is my physical body and my spirit and soul that's feeling tired. May be all of it. I am just feeling 'tired' of 'walking through' what I am going through. It's not easy and it's not fun too (although I like challenges)!

I couldn't sleep well last night and I couldn't get up this morning, but my physical body refused to sleep as I feel pain on every area of my body but yet, mind tells me that I should wake up and yet, I was feeling weak and didn't even have energy to stand up. With all that, I pushed myself up at around 8:30am and pushed myself to eat something in order to consume all necessary medicine. After that, I still feel very tired and sleepy... and I went to sleep until the debtor/defendant I was telling you about called asking me if I can release his car if he pays what I asked for. I therefore have to call my partner to get things arranged. Errr.....

So... REST?

- rest? -

Sickness...

I have been suffering from flu, fever, sore throat and so on quite often recently. I wonder what happen. Yes.... I am down with fever again today. Since morning, I had difficulties waking up and I just found myself sweating cold sweat... despite of what I was suffering, I got out from my bed, called my client and met her up. At about 11:30am, I really cannot stand anymore. I am not only feeling 'hot', dizzy, but also a bit of sore throat... hence, I called my office, sort out things and go home for a rest. I hope I'll be able to sleep for a while...

- sickness -

Shocked!

As I was doing works, a friend who seldom contact me through MSN sent me a message and it has really shocked me. She asked me to pray for a friend whom I know since young. Her sister is the smartest person I ever known whom has gone through things with me in many ways and has always been a good encouragment. As she is much younger, I always treat her like my own younger sister. We have less contact since they moved to Australia.

I wonder what happen to her when my friend messaged me and asked me to pray for her. Not until I received a letter from her father which was forwarded to me, I was seriously shocked! When thing like this happen to those close to us, it's somehow, hard to accept it althought it seems 'normal' - it can happen to anyone. Oh well, she is being diagnosed with stage 1 cervical cancer.

I am speechless...how many more of these kind of news will travel to my ears?

By the way, the operation is tomorrow...

- shocked! -

A break?

Without knowing the reason, I have been feeling very depress since months ago and friends have been advising me to take a holiday break any time soon. I have no doubt on me desperately need a break. I have been like a machine since I graduated, was fighting to work and get my CLP, to struggles through pupillege and started up my new firm and so on. I have seriously struggles through things and life without a break for years. I have calculated, the last time I really took a break was about 11 years ago. Breaks from work for a few days of public holiday, etc. didn't treat me well as it's equal to work to me for the past few years.

It's worrying when a friend who seldom call me suddenly called me and to ask me when am I leaving town for a break. I treated that my condition has got 'worse'. I do need a break SOON but I can't as I really need to worry about my finances. So, I shall wait untill the day I leave for England for mission trip. I hope I'll be able to take at least a few days break then.

I seriously need a GOOD break...

But holiday might not do me good. I might need a break from thinking and worrying about future, about finances, about things around me. I can lives for 11 years without any holiday was wholly because I was fine with life and nothing much to worried about. Things and circumstances were quite 'certain' then of what to do next. As for now... everything is just so 'uncertain'.

I asked my master yesterday if I should take up a Master course in University of Malaya. He agreed with me that lawyer can't find a living these days and it's worse in West Malaysia compare to Sabah. I told him I am thinking of getting a Master degree and go for teaching and to him, he think if that's what I have in mind, I should do it now... and not after I practiced law for 10 years. I sort of understand what he tried to say. It is indeed impossible to divert ourselves to another professions after years in that particular of field. I am seriously thinking if I shall therefore change my professions....

- a break? -

Weekend...

Initially, it was a plan to go back home for election, so tickets were purchased about 2 weeks ago to go back on Saturday morning and coming back on Saturday evening. With that, I will still be able to serve in the music ministry on Sunday (Practice is on Friday). However, due to some circumstances, I was asked to go back to Tawau by 9am Friday to enforce a judgment against a debtor/defendant. No choice, I have to go back either Thursday evening or Friday morning.

Somehow, I took the 7am flight on Friday morning to go back to Tawau. Thank to my friend who picked me up from the airport (that's the last time I seen this friend of mine) and sent me to the court straight. Reached the court on time and after all necessary arrangment, I went to the debtor's/defendant's last known address. When we reached there, we found out that there's no one in the house. The experienced court assistant/bailiff went to his neighbours and asked a lot of questions (I didn't follow) and after a while, he came back and shouted to make sure there's no one at home. The maid came out from the door after a while and she gave us her boss's number to call. The bailiff called of course, for him to return for discussion and so on.

While we were waiting, we were invited to have a cup of coffee and I chit chat with the bailiff. 15 minutes later, the debtor/defendant came back and we started the discussion. I told him my purpose and he asked for time, etc. and of course, I do know all those are just excuses. Too bad, I am sure the Bailiff wanted to help him but because I was there and some how, he got to know I know his boss, so... he has no choice but to do what he should. The whole matter taken up all the morning and after the court matter, I went out with a friend for lunch at Yacth Club Tawau. I cannot remember when was the last time I went in there. Most probably during my Tennis lesson during my secondary school time. hahaha... anyway... went in, ordered some food and when I went to pay, this boss looked at me and asked if I am so and so's daughter. She claims that she knows my parents and my brother, etc. etc. I didn't talk much as I really don't like that kind of feeling of being 'recognised'. Well, I left the place almost immediately after that and headed home. Got home and slept the whole afternoon until some neighbour woke me up as he was lazy to get down from his car and open the door and keep on sounding the horns till the maid came out. You want to see the laziest person in the world, do come to my hometown. A few just happen to be in front of me.

On Saturday, I sent my parents for the election. Afte they have done, they sent me to the dentist. Took about 2 hours at the dentist and after that, my turn to vote and after that, lunch. Wanted to check in earlier at the airport but when we reached there, it wasn't open. Then stucked at home until I called my cousin sister who came back from Hong Kong. We went out for Yam Cha with another friend who came back from Singapore. Interestingly, 4 of us sat there and we are at different places. hahahaha.... another one of course ia my older cousin sister who is in Tawau. hahahaha...

So, 2 days trip back to Tawau is not bad after all.

- weekend -

Yawn...!!!

I have been out from home since morning for a friend's father's funeral. I came back to office and rushed a few things and still, there's some work pending. Guess I will only be able to do it on Monday. Yes.. Monday because I am going back to Tawau tomorrow morning at 7am for a case, to enforce a judgment with the Bailiff at 9am tomorrow morning. So, that's why I rushed things and was trying to finish work.

Just got a few things done and a few pending. For 2 days, I have billed 4 persons and none of them make any payment as yet. Now you know why am I having financial struggles? Yes... my clients all don't pay on time.

Yawn... I am seriously sleepy. When will I get a good sleep? ...

- yawn -

Love v. Compassion

Definition:

love

• noun 1 an intense feeling of deep affection. 2 a deep romantic or sexual attachment to someone. 3 a great interest and pleasure in something. 4 a person or thing that one loves. 5 (in tennis, squash, etc.) a score of zero. apparently from the phrase play for love (i.e. the love of the game, not for money).
• verb 1 feel love for. 2 like very much. 3 loving showing love or great care.

compassion
• noun sympathetic pity and concern for the sufferings or misfortunes of others.
— ORIGIN Latin, from compati ‘suffer with’.

I was talking to a friend last night and since we have not been updating our current news with each other, she asked how I am doing, or rather, she asked if things improved at my end. I told her I am still struggles with the financial issues and I am about to 'die' (cannot sustain anymore). The only thing she said was that I'll be fine as I am 'strong' and 'tough' enough to handle all situation (like I am all weather kind of person). I asked if that's the reason why I was not being loved and not being cared for all these while. She gave me this answer: All those around me love me a lot just that they do not show their compassion doesn't mean they don't love it.

Somehow this phrase has brought my mind to wander on another existing issue. I seldom show compassion to others and when I do to one or two persons in particular, the rest would feel threaten or shall I say, uneasy. Unfair is the word they will use against me. Often, I have received such comment and I wonder if things like that happen to others too and strangely, NO. The answer NO is for a few reasons, in particular, it's because the person is not compassionate to anyone at all and or the person has been showing compassionate to EVERYONE. I, happen to be the one who is compassionate towards some selected one and that's why I am distributing my love 'unfairly'.

unfair
• adjective not based on or showing fairness; unjust.

May be I am. May be it all started with people treated me unfairly in the beginning that has caused me to be who I am today. I am not asking for anything. I am just telling the world that there's no fairness in this world and I am trying to show fairness even though I know it is impossible. After all, I am just one soul with one physical body. I might not be showing my compassion to you but please ... I do love you all. That's the fact!

Meanwhile, I too... need someone to show me some compassions too... !

- love v. compassion -

Trusting ...

It's either me or the market, but everything seems slow arounds me. Besides some bad news which were quite disturbing lately, I received no good news to spices up my life. For many times, I wonder what is going with my life and which part, when did it went wrong. I came in office with the will to finish all the unfinished works but yet, I am sitting here doing something else after I finished one matter and for the rest of the day, I slack through the day...

I am not a person who would love this kind of life. I can't lives feeling contented with unproductivity in life. Hence, I have been searching for something more 'challenging' to fill my life since then but somehow I guess God is challenging me to be patience. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying I have no works to do or no business coming in. Somehow all clients choose not to pay me on the date I expect them to.

Have I lose sight of His promises I asked. What promise are we talking about? Since when I lose sight of that promise? I have been asking the same questions again and again... for the past few months and I am seriously feeling 'tired' with trusting and believing... where there's no sign that things are going to be better soon. A friend however reminded me that, I should not give up now but to continue to trust and obey. She's right. I should.

Thought: No matter how strong I was in faith in Him, no matter how many times I went through difficult paths with Him in the past and experienced His providence and blessing at the end, somehow, this lesson at this season is rather new to me. May be I am getting a little bit older and I have been experiencing a better life for a year plus and that I have forgotten how to trust Him fully. It's not easy though...

-trusting -

Thoughts!

It's the issue of my future that bothers me lately. It was the career opportunity that I stepped foot at this piece of land. However, things changed and direction lost. For a few months, I have been thinking why am I here for. I am not getting pay a monthly salary and I just feel future is insecure and I worried every single day of how I can survive the next moment. I thought it might be good to join a firm as Legal Assistant and with that, at least I will be paid a monthly salary and life should be good then. However, after I had a meeting with 2 of the senior lawyers few weeks back, I seriously not sure if that's a correct move. The very senior lawyer is having problem finding a job somewhere else as she is very experienced and her pay is high. For her, the only solution is to open her own firm if she wants to get out from her present firm. The monthy pay won't be increasing after it reaches 5K to 6K unless you open your own firm and get businesses in. That's the reality. So, for me to get back to become Legal Assistant, I wonder if things will be the same after a few years later. i.e. I have to come out and start my own firm.

I can't see the point of all these. Yes. I lost the direction. If I start a firm, it's a long term committment. It won't be easy. I will have to 'fight' for things all by myself. I suddenly feel that I will be 'tired' 'fighting' alone. There's no meaning at all. What's the ultimate goal of all? Not that I enjoy my life so much as a lawyer. May be I should start looking for something else to do. May be my initial plan was good. To open a bookshop and having a small law firm next to it. hahaha...

I am seriously bothered... may be it all started with not having a stable income every month?

- thoughts -