Anniversary!

I just wrote a date... and today is 30.09.2008... I cannot believe it.... another year gone past... annother anniversary for myself... I was called to the Bar in Kuala Lumpur on 30.09 .... time flies....!!!!!!!!!

Weary!!!

I am feeling a bit too exhausted not only physically but also emotionally and mentally. It must have started from the brain where I had too many 'worries' and 'discomfort' that caused me to have sleepless nights for the past few months. Hence, I am physically feeling exhausted.

I am seriously bothered by 2 issues lately (as these 2 has gone critical lately). Both, I cannot changed it with my own ability. I can only rely upon God and trust that He will deliver. Both has let me sees myself as a failure and both issues, have caused me to think may be this is not what I meant to do and both issues... I do have to face and think about it EVERY SINGLE DAY!

I am just feeling weary! I tried to find a soul who will understand my situation ... to talk about it at least but guess no one has a similar situation like what I am facing here...

Weary ... I am just feeling... weary!!!!

- weary !!! -

Poor services

I have experienced, over these few days, some bad services given by some sales person. I went to this optical shop trying to get my eyesight checked as I am feeling a bit dizzy if I wear my spectacle for the whole day. I suspect, it's the power inaccuracy that caused it. Anyway, so, I walked into the optical shop (the one I usually goes to) asked them to check my power. After they done it by the computer, they asked a lady to help me with the manuel setting. Since 14 years old, I have been checking my eyes regularly and I bet I know how optical shop in Malaysia checked people's eyes and yes... I bet I know what I consider CLEAR and NOT CLEAR. I am not very sure if it's the lens or whatever, when I told her I am not satisfied with it because I still found it unclear, she insisted that I made a mistake. ... Did you get what I am trying to say? She is telling me that I should agree to her 'theory' and knowledge and since she disregarded me, I actually let it be. So, when she asked me to get another pair of frame, I said NO.

I went to 2 banks to enquire about something this morning. The first bank didn't gave me good impression for the past few years althought I open my first bank account with them when I was only 7 years old. I closed my account with them few years back because of the rudeness of just one staff of theirs. I went in this bank and I waited for about 10 mintues and I was served. The officer obviously is freshly trained I can tell and because of that, I tried to help her out by asking her question and made her to tell me more of what I want to know. She did well to be honest. I am impressed with her performance and she know what she is doing. I signed a form and asked her to proceed with the application. After the first bank, I went to the second bank, I waited less than 2 minutes and I was being served by a women... first thing she saw me, she spoke in a very impolite way as if I disturb her from her work. When I asked her questions, she doesn't seems knowing the answers. At least, what she told me wasn't what I read on internet, their own website. Because of that, I asked her further and she insisted that she's correct and the website's information is wrong. Of course I didn't proceed with my 'self-defence' on that issue, otherwise you probably not reading what it is now. hahaha... Well, as the first bank managed to consider my current situation (work wise, non-salaried, not full self-employed as well), I thought I should just ask the women but she doesn't seems know the answer and she gave me the tone saying, "Oh, if that is what you want, you can try..." YOU can try? ... a very wrong way of approaching your customer to be honest especially if you are in a service line. Anyway, my reply was, "I have got my appplication gone through in another bank(s) and this is the ONLY bank that told me otherwise and blamed me for reading your website too". Then I told her, "It is ok. I thought I have a bank account here and that's why I am here to ask." Then she tried to ask me just to make my application first but by then, it was too late and I just told her "It's ok. I am not losing anything here" and then, I left.

I guess, the attitudes of the person who gives services does make a difference, don't you think? I am suprise that this second bank I went gave such a bad services. Ya. I might look 'young', but that's not you should treat your customer and make them feel that they are nobody in your bank.

I know all these happen in Malaysia everywhere we go but .... if you are not willing to serve people, may be you should consider changing job. I am glad, I was served by the newly trained officer in the 1st bank. At least, she doesn't have attitudes problem and she managed to try to solve my problem with me.

Some people just think we 'owe' them don't they?

- poor services -

Hai...

As I was checking through payment of my clients for this month and the income I hope I am getting for this month, it's always shocking to know that due to the fault and negligence of my account clerk that I won't be getting what I am collected. The non-worries issued for this month has just turned to the VERY worry level as next month, I do need to sort out my car insurance and road tax. Moreover, I have to bear with this till next monday to check with her and my boss. It's going to be an uneasy and torturing weekend already...

- hai ... -

Today

I am not feeling pleasant as I woke up this morning. I knew I didn't had a good rest last night. The only thing I remember what happen last night was that I was turning around and feeling uncomfortable in whichever direction and whatever position I sleep. Well, I woke up knowing that I have a client coming in at 9:30am and that after she came in, I will then make sure I file in the petition to the court. I seriously hate contested divorce petition. What I am going to do first is to lock her husband's property by injunction. Ghoosh... !!!!

I remember a senior lawyer told me when I was seeing him to get some advice about becoming a lawyer then, that lawyer is always under stress, and stress that you yourself didn't even know it is exist. The more responsible you are, you will be handle with more stress. Well, I understand it now after I became the partner in a firm. It's no so much when I was a Legal Assistant in a law firm. I guess, somehow, I am stress!

If I have a choice, I do not want a contested divorce matter in my hand. Not only that I am not good in it, but also it's contrary to my faith and believe. It's also very discouraging and it just something that I really don't like. When this matter came to me few months ago, I tried to advice my client to have a talk with her husband but her husband seems reluctant and hence, I suggested that we sent him a letter. The content of the letter is more on asking him to enter into a joint divorce petition. But he too, rejected and hence, I have no choice but to go for a contested divorce petition.

Both my father and my brother married people in the church. I am now, divorcing them... Well, ... they are wearing a white robe, I am however, in black ...

I don't know... I don't have anything much to do today except this and I am done with it.

Hence, because of this matter, I am feeling a bit ... 'insecure' and 'lonely'.

- Today -

Court matters

Together with a senior lawyer, we walked out from the chamber of a Senior Assistant Registrar and the first thing the senior lawyer said to a crowd of 25 others who were outside waiting for their turn was "Not even 3 minutes we were in there after waited 2 hours!", it has broke the silence and frustration of everyone who were there since 8:45am. Yes, our case were called first, that's a relief to the senior lawyer but not to me because I have another case and I was asked to wait... it's my partner's fault for forgetting to attend the said hearing yesterday and hence, I was quite sure that the case will be called last. Hence, my mood was kind of 'out' while waiting.

Few days ago, it was recorded in my diary that this case was fixed for rulling (giving out decision) and so, I went to court and when I saw my case was not listed, I was a bit shock and hence, I thought I had make a mistake and therefore I called my opponent. I was told I was right as my opponent also in court. So, I waited for about an hour plus where the interpreter of the Judge appeared and she told the other lawyer who were also waited there that there's no case for today. I was shocked and asked her if I was suppose to be there for the rulling. After checking, she came back and told me, no. Shocked... but I thought may be I made the mistake and so I went back to office. An hour later, my opponent called and asked me what happen in court that morning and I told him that apparently, the court said the date was not fixed for ruling but for other purposes. He was shocked too.

After the last 'shouting' of my office boy, I did all my filing and attestation by commissioner for oath myself. Didn't want him to throw my documents to the dusbin and caused me in trouble. We also found that, he always get matter done without a receipt lately and hence, we really wonder if all the attestations are legally done. Not until a day, when I went to court and in front of me, the commissioner for oath did attested the documents which were pre-signed without any record and hence, I believe, he got paid into his own pocket too.

Suprisingly, many Priest is suing people, their own fellow church members these days and it's surprice to know how many church members deceived their pastors and priest too. May be because they are PASTOR and not 'REVEREND'? hahaha...

Some law firm is having some difficulties getting their documents served by personal service lately as not may process server is available to service their documents outstation. So, I am doing my ex-firm a favour to serve one of the documents to 2 persons but I went and couldn't served because despites numerous knocking, no one open the door. Hard work it is... and I therefore wonder if I can set up a company, like a courier services kind of setting, just to serve documents for law firms. What do you think? hahaha...

- court matters -

Honouring God FIRST!

As I was preparing the sermon for tonight in my cell group, I read thought Chapters 21 to 25 of Numbers in the Old Testament of the Bible. While I was almost done with my reading, a friend was online and we chatted for a while as I asked her about her husband's condition (her husband was dignosed with cancel a few months ago) and so, we praise God for He has somehow guilded them through and the condition of her husband is kind of 'stable' for now. Well, we we talked about what lesson we learned from all these. Due to the reading, I highligted that we have to remember how to put the Interest of God first in our life and of course she said she has been doing that and she didn't realise why I put that across to her. Well, to summarise, both her husband and her used to have this zeal for the Lord. From the day I arrived in Kuala Lumpur, I can see that they are serving God diligently, enthusiaticly, full of zeal. However, for the past few years just before I left KL, not only they have not serve the Lord in any of the ministries they used to served, but they have also started to miss sunday services. Zeal for the Lord? Passion for Christ? Hmm.... I must say, it's very discouraging to see them in that 'status'.

Just like the Isralites I must say. How many times does God need to rescue them? help them? encourage them? safe them? guide them? provide them whatever them complain about? deliver them? etc. etc... and yet... on Chapter 25, what did they do? God keeps on blessing them and yet they sinned against the Lord and they have even forgotten about God and His mighty works. They worshipped Baal. Let's not talk about the zeal that we have for the Lord. Being a nobel person, will you forget what God did for you in the past? How many times we have forget that and we start sinning on the same way again and again? How much more God need to deliver us from all these?

My friend told me she met a lady in the hospital who was being dignosed to have lung cancer few years ago too. 3 years ago, she was being told by the doctor that she only has a few more months to lives and so, she prayed and she heard the Lord ask her to solely trust in Him and so, she stopped all the treatment and just honour the Lord by giving her time to the Lord. Few months later, the doctor was amazed by her performance as the cancer was gone.

As I listen to what my friend told me, it has just reminded me that if we living for the Honor of God and we promise to honour the Lord with zeal, the Lord remembers.

In the lesson of putting the interest of God first, in the examples I listed above, would you focus on what treatment to go? what the doctor says? do I have enough money for treatment? or will you focus on what God want me to do now?

Phinehas was honoured for his courage and zeal because he did just as what God asked him to, without even thinking of killing is murder? or manslaughter? or... sins? ... He just did what pleased the Lord.

Are you honouring God First in whatever you do?

- honouring God FIRST! -

Rest

To many people, resting is always required and people love to have a day off and rest day, at least a day or two in a week. Well, we can't ask a person to work 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year without stopping. God set the 7th day to be a day to worship Him and to rest too. So, we do have day off. Some people tend to have more than a day or two because after work, they do have rest and some of them even taken the steps to sleep earlier in order to have enough rest so that they can work effectively the next day.

I hardly have rest. Well, not the physical one, but the mental one. Over the weekend, I was given nothing in particular to do and so, I am physically free from any activities and thus, I was suppose to have some rest. However, due to some cirucmstances (I am not sure if it is the pillow, the temperature in my room, the smell or whatever it is) that I had difficulties in sleeping. I woke up at least 3 times at night and I suffered terrible neck pain and/or shoulder pain, be it I sleep with or without pillow, with flat pilow or ghoose feather pillow, or cotton pillow or fiber pillow or neck shape pillow, etc. So, I ended up feeling tired at all time.

So, at the end of the day... I wasn't really resting... but it made me feel more tired. I wonder (seriously), when I can have a good rest, one which I am free from worries, free from disturbance, no problem with bed and pillow, etc.

- rest -

Insecurity

After a few weeks or months of things happening on me, I seriously ponder over the word 'Insecure', i.e. if I am feeling insecure at all time. There were at many times, I reacted towards things and people in ways that I couldn't explain why. For example, I don't understand why do I feel fear to go in a shop to buy things, I don't understand why I feel uneasy to raise my hand to call the waitress, I do not understand why sometimes I rather to stay at home and why sometimes, I wish to have people arounds me, etc. Nope, I don't think loneliness is the reason for all these. Rather..... may be it's insecurity.

According to Wikipedia, Insecurity is a feeling of general unease or nervousness that may be triggered by perceiving to be unloved, inadequate or worthless (whether in a rational or an irrational manner). A person who is insecure lacks confidence in their own value and capability, trust in themselves or others, or has fears that a present positive state is temporary and will let them down and cause them loss or distress by "going wrong" in future. This is not to be confused with humility, involves recognising one's failings but still maintaining a healthy dose of self-confidence. Insecurity is not an objective evaluation of one's ability but an emotional interpretation, as two people with the same capabilities may have entirely different levels of insecurity. Insecurity may cause shyness, paranoia and social withdrawal, or alternatively it may encourage compensatory behaviours such as arrogance, aggression or bullying, a principle enshrined in the phrase "all bullies are cowards." Insecurity has many effects in a person's life. There are several levels of it. It nearly always causes some degree of isolation a typically insecure person withdraws themselves to some extent. The greater the insecurity, the higher the degree of isolation. Insecurity is often rooted in a person during their childhood years. Like offense and bitterness, it grows in layer fashion, often becoming an immobilising force that sets a limiting factor in the person's life. Insecurity robs by degrees - the degree it is entrenched is the degree of power it has in the person's life.As insecurity can be distressing and feel threatening to the psyche, insecurity can often be accompanied by a controlling personality type or avoidance, as psychological defence mechanisms.

So friends... I am sorry if I acted 'weirdly' towards certain circumstances... I told you I don't know why also... I meant it. May be I just feel insecure ...

- insecurity -

Random thoughts

Recently, I have many friends moved from one place to another and from one job to another too. Many has started to realise, moving is not something anyone would desire and wish for. Everyone love to be able to settle down for a while, if it cannot be forever. Some finds it easy to move to another place with just a 7 days notices given but to many, it's just difficult. Just this month itself, 2 friends are moving to Tawau, a few left KK, one changed job and another few might be leaving KK in a month or two too. Because of what happen, I started to think once again on the issue of 'where and what is next'. Yes, this issue has stopped 'functioning' for a while now... about 3 years now? Hmm... sounds long.. but nope, I only felt it just happen a while ago since I last ponder over or rather... disturbed by it.

I am sure this issue is unavoidable in life because nothing in this world or life stays where it is forever. Friends and people arounds you will be leaving you and they won't be with you forever. Not even your husband/wife as one of you will be leaving this world first. From the first day I joined this firm, first, it was the 'good' office boy who resigned. When I came back from England, I was told the account clerk wanted to resigned and so, she is not working half a day and a month ago, I was told my other clerk is leaving end of October too.

I do hate the feeling being 'left' behind. I traced my history all the way back to my childhood day to see if I can find out what caused me to hate the feeling... I guess, somehow... because I am so 'different' in the family or community, people somehow... rather... not to bother about me. You can say I am claiming that I am lack of love... but to be exact, I guess, I just don't like being left being... so, for the past few years, I have been moving around instead... ( at least I think that's the reason why I have been moving) and gradually, I have started to feel that I do not want to be committed into any friendship, relationship, etc. etc. I also do not like the feeling of separation when people is leaving me, especially those who are close to me. So, I started to stay away from being close with people arounds me.

Of course, at many times, I am "successful"... of course 'failure' happens as one or two has started to realise the mindset behind... and so, I was 'disturbed' from this "staying away to get close" project.

Well, I just want to say, I hate the feeling of knowing close friend(s) is leaving me, be it they are moving to other place and/or the current situation has changed...

- random thoughts -

Congratulation!

O o o.... forgot... CONGRATULATION! to the faithful ex-FCC cell leader, Chan Yee Ling who gave birth to a baby girl this morning... !!!!! hahaha...

... growth!

... from the lack of worker, God has called many to respond to the full time ministries. I started to see a different phrase of FCC and realise that, God has used FCC not only to reach out to the non-believer and to nurture the believers, but also to equip and send out workers. Over the years, I have been so many arounds me accepted the full time calling and entered into the theological colleges. It started from my cell group in SS2 where 3 of them responded on the same year and thereafter, many more. FCC has grown since the 'hardship' we sufferred after the leaving of a group of capable leaders from only 50 or less people to about 350 people when I left ( I am lost count of the numbers now). Because of that, the church had decided to purchase their own building and I also given the opportunity to handle the whole transaction. Althought it started from about 7 to 9 people by a gathering of those who love God, but God has used them well and FCC even though gone through many ups and downs, but we can see how many are serving God faithfully despite all the hardship and because of their faithfullness, FCC has grown to a church which gives glory to God.

Everywhere I go now, I can see how many were blessed by FCC before. Some of course are still serving God faithfully in the church, some are sent out to serve God in other churches and I am glad that, during the most difficult time of FCC, I was there to help although in many ways, I was almost 'invisible'. Of course the memory of me organising a few christmas events and those video recording and taping..., it's wonderful and I think those who worked hand in hand with me to finish the 'projects'. Well, as I picked up a copy of the FCC letter news the other day in the church I am serving now, memories just set in. Many tears, many laughters, many hurts, many joy ... happened there and I somehow... became a silent history maker of FCC. hahahaha...

- growth ! -

... Slaves!

... we woke up at 5am every sunday morning because we need to travel to Nilai to pick up members to service at 9am. As we both need to be in church earlier for worship run through, we therefore need to travel latest by 5:30am. After the English service, I usually stay on in the Chinese services and thereafter, to fetch the children for the children ministry in the afternoon. When the Saturday service started, I also helped with the services. As a supervisor and cell leader for one of my cell group, I travel to cell groups about 3 times a week. Except work and ministries, I didn't have much time for myself and things got tougher when I changed my job from Legal Executive to a Lawyer in the year 2005. Not only with the heavy loads of ministries, the new job scope, more travelling and colleagues caused me to even have less sleeping time (normally sleeps at 3am and woke up at 5:30am to travel to work) and thereafter, I discovered I couldn't move one of my hand each time I got up in the morning. Only when I was forced to bring my mother to see a doctor that I asked the the doctor and she told me, I was too stress. The heavy work load in the law firm even caused me to walked to the firm's appointed doctor and asked the doctor to give me one day leave just to go home and sleep. Which amazingly, he did. hahaha.... I am sure it's because I really look tired. So, basically... I have been running around, helping with ministries here and there ... as the church is small and lack of worker...

-... slaves -

Challenges...

... because of the closeness with this pastor, I was told things will be changed when I came back from England. I pleaded for him to wait till I come back from England and hence, 3 weeks of holiday with my parents weren't that great after all. So, the pastor have decided to leave and he has somehow 'caused' many leaders to leave FCC too and the hardest part was all those who are close to me left. Some left immediately when the pastor left and some left few months later ...gradually, I was all left alone with some others. Soon, I realise, those who left behind, weren't even the leaders of the church and some, left behind because they didn't like the pastor and most who had left behind were hurt and many 'wounded'. I who just came back... was asked to handle most of the works and ministries and I did tried to help as much as I can. With all these, I was also facing my CLP exam.. hence, I wasn't even able to concentrate fully in either way. I was not only being asked to be cell leader (after a few years of 'break'), but also to be supervisor taking care of a few cell leaders. At the same time, I was trying to 'comfort' a few of those who have left church because of the incident, etc. Coming back from England after 3 years of staying in England... wasn't easy for me to settle down. I struggled not only in the ministries and studies, but also the culture and mentality. It took me about 3 years or more to fully get used to life in Malaysia. From the chinese and english worship teams, I saw the needs in the english service more and hence, I joined them. I choose to be projectionist even though I was asked to be one of the musician and/or back up singer many many many times. Still, I love to be projectionist simply because I didn't see the point of standing up there with a group of people whose heart weren't for worshipping purposes, but for 'showing off'. Situation improved after a long while and only then, I joined the team in playing the bass. Meanwhile, I took over the Adult cell groups when they were 'fighting' ... . Seeing the 'pioneer' of the church fighting among themselves wasn't something very pleasant at all.. and looking after these adult cell groups... wasn't very relax too as they are older than me. Moreover, the cell group leaders always 'by-pass' me, the supervisor and discussed thing with the Pastor and at the end of the day, I was left behind without knowing anything and I was put in a very difficult position. When things wasn't done, both parties blamed me. Every sunday, together with a brother, we woke up at about 5am....

- challenges -

When I first came back...

Oh well, someone inspired me to write down what I went through for the past 8 years and so, yes, I am here, writing from the start... on the day when I first came back... from England. Of course, you can always cross-reference with this site: http://www.saddnesz.blogspot.com/. I was worshipping at STC, SS2 when I first arrived at KL in 1996. I still remember, it's only a handful of people gathered together every sunday and I helped with playing the guitar on every sunday even though I remember, we had many trained pianist who were then studied their piano degree in KL. Well, that will includes Nora Kim and Doris Chin who are serving at St. Patrick's Church, Tawau today. When I left for England, FCC was not formed. It was formed when I was in England and around 1997, I was informed that FCC is formed and they rented a place at Bandar Sunway. So, when I first came back, I joined FCC. For some reason, I was however being asked to serve in the Chinese service. I guess it was because I was actively involved in the Chinese service while I was in Tawau and therefore, I was asked to serve in the chinese service. However, as there's not enough manpower, I helped also in worship team in the English service. To cut the story short, I served in both services under 2 different pastors. As I was also persuing my Certificate in Legal Practice (CLP) at University Malaya, I remember a brother will come to the university and pick me up after my class at 6pm to church, for worship practice. Trust me, the practice normally finished about 11pm and by the time we had our dinner, I normally got home around 1am or 2am. I was then attended the chinese SS2 cell group at the previous STC meeting place. It's a challenge for me on the first year of my return from England as I was not only trying to adapt to the 'new environment' (trust me, reverse culture is harder than adapting new culture), but I also struggles with organising my time with my studies and also ministries. I somehow, did not know how I got through the year 2000-2001. I was busy and very busy... and when I return from a 3 weeks' holiday to England with my parents to attend my convocation in October, I was informed that the English service's pastor is leaving FCC and ...

... to be continue...

- when I first came back -

Huh?

Some people find it easy to share; some, being persuaded or forced, they will share too; some people feel comfortable to share with certain people and some people manage to share whatever with whoever. For me, shairng is something I am not used to, even with my family members or friends. Lately, 2 of my close friends thought it's unusual that I have limited conversation with my only elder brother. Well, we did talked when we need to, we did share, we did communicate when it is necessary. I know he is around if I need help, but apart from that, I guess I only tell him my 'general' news and trust me, I only received his and/or his family's news from my parents... and I have no idea if my parents ever told him about my condition. I still remember my mom called me one day asked what time my brother will be arriving in KK and I was shocked because I didn't even know he was on his way to KK. hahahaha... well, my parents do understand most of the time, the failure of communication caused by him because he failed to take initiative in telling me. Well, we were taught some how, not to cause inconveniences to others and at least, don't disturb others if possible. Hence, it has become a 'culture' that we only look for people when we need to and hence, sharing.... is something we don't usually practice or ... something we don't know how to practice.

Even though I don't really practice 'sharing', but somehow I couldn't stand the 'quietness' and hence, I asked God for friends, friends that I can talk to at least... (yes, it was hard for me to find a soul in KK that I can really talk to). Hence, God sent someone... not one. Two.

About less than a year ago, it was therefore, UNUSUAL for me to be 'captured' and being 'interrogateed' by 2 people whom I only know for a few weeks... since then, I must say... somehow, I am closer to them now then to my brother.

Well, sadly to say... no one before them... would ask me questions like they did and well, that's why I asked them why would they asked me in the first place. No . in the past, no one ever asked me things before and no one even interested in knowing me. No one will check on me to see if I reached home after a long night outside, no one will ever send me food when I was in the office stressed with tons of works... what can I say? I guess somehow, by all that they did... 'ice' was broken... and I was able to at least share with them when asked. (Yes, I still find it hard to share out of no where...)

Well, ... it's weird ... for me to at least see the face of mine which I not used to see all these while. I didn't know I can be THAT close to friends... I am sure you don't believe too, right? Anyway, not to worry. I do know they won't be physically permanent around me. No one will. I know...

Hmm... somehow, I think they know me more than my brother knows me...

p/s don't get me wrong... those of you who are close to me, you are still close to me... just 'different'.

- Huh? -