Does God allow suffering?

It was about half a year ago, that I texted a good friend who is a missionary, checking on how she is coping with lockdown and the travel restriction since she was always on the move and always about travelling to mission fields at least twice a month.  I thought it would be challenging for her to stay at home most of the time now and so, it's out of concern that that texted her.  Our conservation ended us in fiery debates.  I was calmed enough to cool myself down and wonder what did I said went wrong and how did she react in such rage.   

So, the conversation begins with me asking how is she coping and all and I jokingly said something like, "you know you are like a monkey that cannot stop moving", which she usually will be able to pick it up and laughed about her always on the moving character.  She somehow picked that up differently this time and states that she is not a monkey and she is a human loved by God and if I do not have anything better to say instead of accusation, I should stop. Agreed completely and I said, I am sorry and I hope she is fine and well.  Just went I was putting my phone away, she raged and said, "You should be more compassionate in your words, especially when you do not know what others are going through". Agreed. I am not God whom I can read minds or be able to know what's going through with others.  But then I got angry very much by what she said now because as far as I remember, she's never present during the most difficult time of my life and always pinpoint that I should be more focus on God during the most difficult time of my life later.  I never responded to her incompassionate, heartless and judgemental comments all the year. So, I responded saying, "whatever you are going through, I hope you will hold tight to Him and He will deliver".  She rebuked my saying and said, "God never created suffering.  People suffer because they are not closed to God or God did not give them grace". I totally disagree with what she's saying and I couldn't believe this came out from her mouth because we grew up in the same church, by the same teaching and yet, her believes had departed so far away because of her recent years of attending a church that's so much about the prosperity gospel.  I did not argue with her on this theological part.  She will not be able to listen anyway because to her, I suffered the 'suffering' because I am not close to God and she's the one who is close to God and she has all the grace and mercy from God because she is doing His will and doing His works.  I was troubled and at the same time, feeling so upset about this whole incident.  My mind went to only one issue, "Did God allowed suffering to His people?"

I have no idea what is prosperity gospel, or its teachings are about, but every single time, I heard one, I wonder if it is a manmade gospel that people choose what they like to hear and do away what they do not like to hear.  I am glad I re-read the book of Job a few times during the Christmas holiday in 2019 while I was in London.  I am glad I studied 1 & 2 Corinthians, Romans, James and 1 Peter during the first lockdown in March and April 2020.  I am so glad that I went through so much suffering in the past during my ministries in CCL that I know clearly that God did allow suffering to His people for various reasons.

I understand there are a group of people who will focus on, "If you are doing good and following every step that the Lord has instructed you to do, you will never need to be in suffering".  I call these people, a 'luxurious missionary', whom do not understand or able to experience the true meaning of 'sharing in Christ's sufferings'.  Are they saying that Jesus could have done something 'wrong' that caused Him the needs to endure suffering and to be put to death? Are they saying that God does not have the power to give us suffering that we need in our spiritual growth and/or to strengthen our relationship with Him? Are they saying that our suffering, if any, is wasted and not part of His will or glory? If God only gives us blessing, how well do we understand and experience how much suffering Jesus endures for us so we are saved by His grace and mercy?  How much we are able to understand how firm we stand if we did not go through suffering in our ministries and in serving our Father in heaven? Is one able to overcome feeling shameful when they suffered for Christ as Christian so God is glorified? How are we going to be trained to rejoice and be glad when we share Christ's sufferings one day when his glory is revealed? If we do not have Christian suffering, is that mean we have chosen the world over Christ? 1 Peter has clearly stated the suffering that a Christian will face and how one should stand firm and overcome as we are facing it. Maybe Peter understands the struggles better than any other disciples because he was put in the hot plate once, which he has no choice but denied Jesus 3 times.  But he quickly repented and Jesus has entrusted him with his ministries later when he rose again.  He experienced the hardship of being Jesus' disciple and endured lots of suffering thereafter but he never loss his focus and even reminded others to stand firm, rejoice, and hopeful, even in all the suffering he has to endure. 

I always think the moment one wants a comfortable life, they will never be able to be a missionary.  They will want comforts, luxury, money, the world because those seem promising.  To follow Christ, it is hard work, it is suffering and it is difficult, even though it is lots of blessing.  Until and unless we know how to accept suffering as Christian as a blessing, I guess, people will not understand what it means by sharing Christ's suffering.  Do not get me wrong.  I am not trying to 'beautified' suffering.  It does not need me to beautified it but it is clearly stated in the Bible that it is a privilege for those who are sharing Christ's suffering.  If one is rejecting Christian suffering, they are basically rejecting His teaching and His divine appointment and blessing.  

I am glad that I was sharing Christ's suffering when I was serving in CCL.  I totally understood how much Jesus must have felt when He was being rejected, accused and blamed.  Even though today, I still upset about what happened, but I am glad somehow that I did not depart from knowing Him more or lose Him.  Instead, God has brought me to see a bigger picture and even strengthen our relationship even stronger.  I am thankful now for those suffering He put in my life for me to experience.  I am thankful that He has shown me how much I need Him for in my life and how much I need to equip myself more in order to serve Him better.  I admitted that I was wrong and I was too weak to stand 'trial' when I was attacked.  Just like Peter, I tried my own way to flee from difficult situations, trying to save ourselves and gave up. But both Peter and I would have known that now that's that is not the end.  It's the beginning of a greater mission.  Just like Job.  No matter how much he thinks he has done so much for Nineveh, God shown Him that, with or without him, God's will will be done anyway.  IT is all, how much we want to be part of it, or rather, how much God allowed and gave us the privilege to be part of it that counts.  

If God allows suffering in your life, it is a privilege and you should embrace it.  By prayer and petition, we all should stand firm, focus well, rely on Him fully in getting through it because it is a way that God shows us how much he cares for us.  There is no need for us to feel despair.  Not everyone has suffered in their lives. 

I later found out that my friend is to go through a spinal surgery the next day.  In my heart, I did laugh because, to me, surgery is NOTHING near 'suffering'.  I have gone through many times and instead of seeing it as suffering, it is how God heals and make us better, physically so we can do more works for Him.  I am, however, still sad that my friend is now immensely believing in the prosperity gospel.  

I do hope one day, soon... she will understand better about suffering and how to share Christ's suffering and looking forward to the day glory is revealed. 

-  Does God allow Suffering - 

Ambition

A friend holds a very high post in her organisation and is one of the significant people in her organisation, and I can feel that she is contented with her achievement, but she always tells me that she wishes she can achieve more and better.  

A few of my friends have been a consultant in the medical fields and not only that they are specialist, but also consulting specialists, and one is also a professor at the university.  A friend is a professor who heads a department at a well-known university in the UK, overseeing the whole department.  Most of my coursemates who graduated with me are now the Senior legal manager of some very big and well-known companies across the globe.  Every time I speak with them, I feel significantly small and useless.  Well, at least that's what the world definition is if we measure our success by our achievement.  To some even being able to get married and have children is part of the definition of success.  

It is probably how the world or rather the majority of people in this world measure success and how life is to be lived in this world.  Being the minority, we can sometimes feel that we are different and not being accepted by others.  Every single human being somehow tried their very best to earn acceptance and respect from others, and somehow, by their own definition, their recognition seems to be measured by popularity and therefore, by all means, human has tried their very best, by using all sorts of methods, trying to gain popularity so they can be recognised and defined as 'successful'.  

I am not trying to mock the success of those who really have put their sweat and blood to earn it from others because I do not have any.  I respect and recognised the sacrifices made by many people in achieving milestones after milestones in their life and be recognised and successful in their lives.  

What I want to say today is that how I wish we all put the same amount of efforts, sweat and blood trying to achieve the recognition and achievement that is defined in God's definition.  In my humble opinion, trying to proves our intelligent with others, trying to argue the thesis and win the approval of man, trying to be the top student or the top employee or the best or richest companies in the world and trying to have the perfect family, and being the richest in the world, but has failed to get approval and recognition by God is futile in achieving the best success in life.  

I am not here to judge others or even myself.  I am here to remind myself that, no matter how much I want to achieve things and how ambitious I can be, but it is not His will, even if I achieved it, it is by my own efforts, that will means it is not in accordance with His will and approval.  I am not a very ambitious person.  In the past years, people asked what I want to achieve, I can tell you, my answer is always, "I just want to walk everyday like my last but everyday to be used by God in His will".  I am not ambitious to be famous or rich. I just want to live a life that I do not have to worry about tomorrow because I know that my life is in His hand.  It hasn't been an easy journey to just trust in Him and let Him guide me through everyday, but over the past 10 years since I took over the firm, God has not in a single month did not provide me and those working with me sufficient fund to survives.  Even during this year, God has provided more than sufficient for us.  

What do I want to achieve in the coming years? I wish He can tell me so I can prepare earlier.  Well, I guess I just need to take my step of faith step by step and see what He installed for me to walk through. 

The famous and richness are not for me.  Those, I am very sure that will not satisfy my soul.  This year, I am well reminded that spending time with Him like Martha, is the only way that my soul be satisfied.  May my desire to know Him and to continue to be close to Him remain forever and ever. That's my only ambition. 

- Ambition - 

Be faithful and fruitful.

I am very bad in any kind of relationship.  I am bad in mother-daughter relationship, very bad with friends, very bad with work colleagues, etc. etc.  Establishing a good and steady relationship to me is tiring and it's NOT worth it.  That's generally my mentality.  It's been 3 months since my mother is staying with me here in KK and I have had numerous occasions trying to win an argument with her because I just think she's too stubborn and at the same time, too rigid in her daily requirements about almost everything.  In short, I do not want to follow her ways.  I want mine to enforced too.  Well, as you can guess, it's not going to work well. Glad that as much as I hate hurting her in any way, she's too worried that she will upset me.  

Keeping a relationship is difficult for me.  This year, I have a trial run about 'keeping a relationship' with a few text messages a day with a friend who stays oversea. Of course, we can call each other pretty easily these days with skype, zoom, facetime, etc.  But that's not what we have been doing.  I don't remember having a long period of time without us texting each other.  Almost every day, we would text each other, even with time differences.  It's interesting of how a relationship is kept by just a simple 'text' every day because my friend is a very important person in her organisation and she is very busy at work and so, we keep the messages short, but without fail.  

Besides the above relationship, I realised, I have been doing the same with God. I have been using some guides in my reading these days.  It's not for daily devotion. It's for bible reading.  Some days, the reading is only 5 verses and some, it's 2 chapters but I have been keeping that daily 'conversation' going on every day without fail.  It's interesting that relationship is to be like this, to be short, but without fail.  To be meaningful, heart to heart, consistently, without fail.  I am on a book of Daniel, on the lesson of Daniel being thrown into the Lion dan and the reading for the first time it put my view parallel to Jesus Christ, where King Darius was like Pontius Pilate.  Anyhow, it all about being faithful and fruitful.  

Therefore, I have been pondering over my own commitment to the Lord.  In my work, in my future, I want to be faithful and fruitful too as the one that I am serving is a living God, the God who gives judgment and the God who will bless and sustain those who are faithful, even with the future is so bleak at the moment.  Lord, in whatever circumstances, help me to be faithful and fruitful (in whatever I do, including keeping my relationship with God), just like Daniel. 

- be faithful and fruitful - 

Not be defile ...

 People in Sabah has been feeling dissatisfied, furious and lost over the past few weeks, ever since the previous government was being sabotaged, the needs of being in the election and then lost to the current government.  The fear, the agony, the anguish and depression of the people are mainly on whether Sabah will be able to retain their States' rights after the new government is said to be controlled by the Federal Government.  Many are worried and that drives them to put their worries and anguished into action and words, which to me is highly unnecessary.  

I was furious and depressed yesterday when I was being disturbed by noise constantly for days after my new neighbour moved in and my usual neighbour who is doing renovation day and night continued with his projects and continue to make lots of noise.  I was unable to work, to sleep, to read, to watch tv and do whatever I need and want to for me to calm myself down.  I rant in the Instagram post saying, "my current thought: I wish my neighbours caught COVID and died".  Most people saw the post knew I was just annoyed and keep laughing at me for making that statement and there's no way I meant it.  Well, they know me well and some texted to say they understand and they said they will pray for me so I won't breakdown, etc.  Thank God to have friends like them who remind me that, those words are not supposed to be out of my mouth at all.  Well, it's just a thought I might claim, but no, it is not.  

What shocked me was, a Pastor texted me and said, "I wish that for the current government".  

I was reading Daniel Chapter 1: 1-7 then when the message came through.  I got a shock and wonder, how easy it is for us to see that this world or even this State is without its future because of the current ruling governments which are not respecting Christianity or other religion and the worse when they started to let an Islamic extremist political party enter Sabah's cabinet.  Are we supposed to be fearful and worry? We do.  But does that give us the rights and excuses to defiled ourselves?  As I read on Daniel (I just finished Revelation and starting with the book of Daniel yesterday), I am reminded that Daniel growing up in the ruling of King Josiah and he was captured by the Babylonian King to serve Him, which was not what he wishes to do.  He put his feet down, hold on to God, and won the approval and favour of God and man (the King) because he did not defile himself by the earthly rules and god.  Isn't that what we are supposed to do too? However these politician is to rule this state and this country, it is up to them, but we are to keep our soul, our mind, our heart, and our might in serving the Lord, regardless how the laws in Malaysia is.  It is how we nurture the children and youth now to walk in the Lord, so they know how to face the future, even though it can become a very Islamic state or country a few years later.  It is this that we are to focus on and not to curse the leaders. 

I wish that "God gave" ... what His people need in facing the future, just like how "He gave" to Daniel and his 3 friends.  

Let's not defile ourselves in sharing the 'fellowship' with those who do not belong to the Lord.  

- Do not defile yourself - 

Facing the 'future'.

The greatest challenge I have of having my mom around these few months is not about cooking, not about doing laundry every day nor bringing her for her dr. appointments, but it is spending quiet time with God.  Cannot say I enjoy moments without reading His words these few months.  It's a struggle even when I can only do daily devotion when I get up from my bed and not leaving my room to attend to her needs.  That special moment of reading more of His words seems to means there's a big part of my life is gone.  I really look forward to moment where I can read and meditate His words more every day, but having her walking around, asking me this and that and all, I cannot even concentrate in my works, what more in reading His words? 

Ok. I am sure you realised that my writing is completely out today. Well, I am.  I am not quite sure how long I can stand for being 'unorganised'.  Not that I dislike having my mom around.  I just cannot concentrate much on work, and life and I am 'disrupted'.  Sooner or later, I probably become not functioning and completely paralysed.  

The Covid19 situation here in Sabah is not contained and in fact, the situation is getting out of control, when the healthcare staffs are either quarantine or tested positive and out of 115 staffs, we are now left with 11 and due to this, there are many who are tested positive are still at their respective home and not being admitted in the hospital yet.  News says many are getting tested and found to be positive these days, including those in the restaurant, cafe, superstore, etc.  Everyone is now very worried if their neighbour, friend and relatives are tested positive.  Everyone is staying away from everybody.  At least we are trying to.  

I am kind of lost but at the same time, knowing that I should focus on Him, I kind of lost and do not want to bother.  Am I depressed? I think I am getting there because I have nothing to look forward to again and life seems bleak, so bleak now.  I know I need to declare Him as sovereign and all, but if this is His plan, who can escape?  No matter how much I want to escape and try to run away, I just can't and all I need to is to face the 'future', be it a bleak one or a bright one... and all I need to is to make sure that I am facing it with God.  

While I finished Revelation today.  One of the questions posed was, "are you choosing the Prostitute of Babylon or the Bride in Jerusalem?"  Are you holding on with what this World can offer you or holding on to God even though the process to the final destination is a difficult one?  Are you holding on to the promise that the Lamb of God will be seated on the throne and judge the living and the death and to check whether your name is in the book of life (both Judgment 1 and Judgment 2).  Which way am I heading to and what steps should I take next, especially in this awkward and weird season? 

What's my future? Well, I never have any to begin with.  I always find myself not having any future to look forward to.  Everyone knows about this.  If I have to die today, I am ready to.  But while I still alive and kicking, no matter how difficult life would be in the next few months or years, I will do all my best to hold on to Him until the very end.  

It is a tough journey ahead. Lord, have mercy and grace upon me.  

- Facing the 'future'. - 

Rejection

Rejection.  It probably started even before I was born that I feel rejected.  Except a few, many expect me to be someone I cannot be and when I am not the one they expected, I am rejected. Since young, the sense of rejection is very strong in me.  I know not many likes me an even during youth time, I was told face to face that no one wants to be my friend.  I do not belong to any group of friends and certainly not having any good friend or best friend in my life.  I cannot recall I have a friend whom I can talk about or any so-called BFF in my life.  There's none.  I am not being invited to any birthday party, any gathering, any fellowship or meet up.  NEVER.  That is not a system in my life at all.  Even if I am invited to a movie date, people forget about getting me a ticket, etc.  To a point, the cinema boss saw how pity I was and gave me a free seat.  People generally will only look for me when they need my help, otherwise, there I go, ... being forgotten and left out. "I am busy" is commonly used to tell me to not disturb them and their lives. 

When I was in church ministries, the same happened.  When there's something great to do, my proposal and ideas were rejected.  I not wanted, and when they need me to do things no one wants to do, they will pass it to me.  In summary, I am a dustbin.  Useful, but only to collect rubbish. Life hasn't been easy the past 45 years as none of the days I am not being reminded that I am a rejected soul.  I have learned however, to be useful still by doing my only purpose and job = collecting rubbish, doing things people refused to do because it is not something that can bring fame and recognition to them.  Be it I need to pay to repair the 'dustbin', I will do my best to get it sorted.  Often, I am being kicked around and most of the time, dirty and hurt, still, I hold on to that principle that, I am doing what I am called to be, a dustbin. 

I almost gave up 2 or 3 years ago because I don't see any future laid ahead for me if I continue to be doing all these.  It's hiring when no one recognised your efforts or there seems to be nothing to look forward to. However, someone through one or two people (Client included) told me to keep up and encouraged to continue to do the only thing that I am called to do, and do it right and well.  I did.  No matter how many times I am being rejected or I feel the pain of being rejected, I take comforts that God and/or Jesus do understand the pain I am going through because Jesus was and at some point still being rejected too. He certainly knows what I am going through and how much I can hold on to this until.  He will certainly give me a way out from this too. 

It used to be a very difficult situation to go through.  But now, I can take comforts that He understands and this will soon be passed.  The year 2020 to many is a year that is so hard to get through but for me, it's like the whole world finally is in my shoes.  It is a year I enjoyed the most, despite the pandemic.  It is having the best relationship moment with God that makes everything seems so different.  Just like 1 Peter Chapter 2 says, if I am putting that focus on Him and get away from all the deceits, malice and evil things in the world or the world introduced, everything will be good.  The rejection will soon be dissolved and that I will enjoy royal priesthood with Him.  

I pledged therefore that I will not put my focus on the rejection and/or being loved and recognised by people, but I will focus on Him, having the relationship with Him and continue my journey as long as what I do pleases Him and wins His approval.  I hope, by His grace and mercy, I am able to hold tight until the day He comes again.  

For trying to achieve a bit of fame and recognition of the world, well, I guess, it doesn't matter to me anymore.  After all, the process of rejection since young has made me realised that it is not important anymore as I am immune to it.  Reject me in whatever way you want it.  That's all right. Only being rejected by God is what I fear of and only through rejection, I know how much He loves me because all He wants of me, is to spend all my time with Him. 

Yes, and you haven't heard me saying He loves others more than me for a long time now, because it is undeniable that He does love me.  

- Rejection - 

God's Will

I remember telling some of my mission trip friends in 2018 that, life has been too mundane after I finished with my LL.M with the University of Edinburgh in 2017.  Unlike many, for me, there's nothing much to look forward to. I was searching for jobs across the globe, thinking, since nothing exciting for me at the moment, why not just spend a few years elsewhere and do something I like instead of practising law in Sabah, which is seriously not profiting much and at the same time, making me feel so bored and meaningless.  I struggled for a few years doing what may come my way and which is not what I want to do and obviously at midlife, that made me kind of lost. I always think there's not much future to look forward to in life for me as long as I continue to be a practising lawyer the way I am, ie. not the conventional, aggressive and typical type of lawyer.  I will never be able to achieve anything and if that's so, I might as well just enjoy what I will love to do (vetting some documents, drafting some agreements, etc.) for some big company, etc.  

Believe me when I say, all my more than 300 applications to work in a corporate company were all being rejected.  When I told my friends these, they all laughed and said, I am obviously not all are under-qualified but overqualified.  Some are underqualified experience with overqualified expertise, which they cannot afford to hire, or deemed that I will be very difficult to deal with.  Whatever it is, I feel disappointed that God never loves me or give me a chance to venture into a different area of practice.  I was feeling despair and discouraged and feels that, "that's it, life will be like this forever until I died, and death better come soon".  

Worse still, while I continue to sulk over meaningless life, one of the decisions in an on-going case which I won in the High Court was overturned by the Court of Appeal totally out of expectation because the Court of Appeal obviously did not understand the laws on parallel importation in IP law.  I was completely shocked, while my opponent was overjoyed because it's something unexpected.  I think I checked my own submission for like 10 times to see if there's anything I have done wrong or missed out.  I started to doubt myself, my judgment, my understanding, my ability and whatever that you can think of.  I was kind of loss when the decision was pronounced to us that day.  A few hours after the decision was pronounced, surprisingly, 2 lawyers who handled IP law who were in court then called and texted me only said, "Pei San, the decision given by Court of Appeal is so wrong.  You need to bring the matter to the Federal Court".   I picked myself up (even though I have no confidence in myself, but with their assurance, I know I need to doubt myself less, but still doubting if I am able to bring the matter to the Federal Court by getting across the "leave" level), and called my clients, explaining to them what happened, it's not our fault, but the misjudgment of the Court of Appeal, etc and I came immediately came out with a few points of why this matter need to bring up to the Federal Court (with no guarantee that we are able to get leave). Clients agreed that this matter needs to appeal to the Federal Court but with there's so little chance that we can get leave to appeal,  I agreed to do my best with very little fees.  

I have never applied for leave before and when I told one of my KL friends, she immediately offered help and she's so amazing that she vet through all my drafting and we filed the papers.  It was a crazy year this year.  The hearing was postponed a few times, but fixed for submissions and hearing in August for hearing in September.  I was literally stuck from July until now with my mom and I couldn't concentrate at all at work, what more with writing a submission for leave application? I was so lost until this friend of mine told me she is in need of money as business was greatly affected due to the pandemic.  I asked if she can help me with the leave application submission since she has been helping with the filing of the documents earlier on which is not difficult for her to pick up.  She agreed and I am so glad.  Of course, I have to add on and finalist the draft submission before filing, correct and adding some points, I am so grateful that we did it, again.  

With so many things happening and all, I have so limited time to do my works properly and these few months have been so crazy that I only managed to read the submission again and prepare for hearing on the 28.09.2020.  Goodness me, the moment I walked in, I saw all those lawyers were flipping their documents, getting ready, etc.  During their hearing, I can see they refer to lots of documents for their submission and explanation of why leave needed to be granted and none of them got their leave application granted.  I looked at my opponent, he flipped through his submission (which only has 3 pages) a few times and I thought to myself, "Ok, what have I missed? Am I going to fail again?" 

My matter was called last.  Judges (chaired by Chief Judge of Malaysia) were being impatient as the previous few cases, lawyers spoke too much and not many issues on point.  So, after I addressed the court and told them the issue, they told me they have read my submission and all and they wanted to know if they are granting me, which questions I want. I submitted seven questions and I look at the questions, I told them "being greedy, I want them all" and all the judges laughed.  Well, I said, let me explained and they did allow me to explain.  No. There's nothing that I have prepared beforehand, I just went through my mind and put across my mind to let them see why I want them and think leave should be granted.  My opponent only relied on one issue - parallel importation.  I relied on my arguments on, no one is saying parallel importation should not be allowed, but we want to know what amount to parallel importation and what guidelines we need to have.  There is no case law in Malaysia has discussed this matter thus far and I want to know who is then responsible to all these goods that brought in illegally.  I can see all 3 judges nodded their heads and immediately I heard the Chief Judge of Malaysia said, "Order in Term".  Questions granted on Questions 1, 2, 3 and 4.  I thank the panel and next case was called and I left while my opponent is still looking through my written submission with his assistant.  

I went back to the office to rush other works while feeling, "YES, I DID IT". While my mind still wondering if this is true, my opponent called, to congratulate me and asked if I know this will be the landmark case for parallel importation from now on.  I know if I managed to get through the leave level, I know it will be.  He encouraged me and said I got him excited about law and he said he will make sure I do not miss out to file any papers as he is eager to see how this case turned out to be.  We are going to make history and we are going to make everyone understand more about the law of parallel importation. 

After the hearing and leave were granted, I cannot believe how many IP lawyers have contacted me and amazed that I got 4 questions granted for leave application.  Seriously, this never crosses my mind that it will ever happen.  Never that I thought I will have the case heard by the Chief Judge of Malaysia, I managed to make 3 federal court judges laughed and nod their head and even get a senior lawyer (my opponent) to call and encourage me.  I considered I have won this case now.  Regardless of whether this matter will be decided in my client's favour or not, I am glad I have made a contribution to the IP law world in Malaysia.  

I seriously have no idea what God plan is for me.  I do not know my future.  But I do know that He does have a plan and all I need is follow-through.  While I can plan my own steps, He determines and decide at the end.  I am not sure if I will end up doing what I like, but that doesn't matter.  Over the last few months, I know that it is all about His Will and not mine.  I have nothing so great that need to be fulfilled.  His eternal plan for all mankind and the world is more important.  Whatever that comes my way, let it be.  I only pray that He has grace and mercy upon me and let me suffer a little less, and I will be thankful enough. 

I know none of the achievement is by my own strength.  This opportunity did not come if not because I was handling a few matters for the same clients over the past 15 years.  This opportunity did not come if not because I met a crazy court of the appeal panel.  I might not have won the case in the High Court if not because the senior lawyer were too busy and occupied in Australia then.  For whatever reason, God has brought me thus far and it's certainly His plan and His grace.  

Since the beginning of this year, I have somehow realised that God loves me instead of, God loves others better.  I am sure He loves others and could be better too, but that doesn't mean He didn't love me.  I just have to hold on to Him and rely on Him more in order for me to see how much He loves me.  Thank God for loving me, giving me that bit of hope and a meaningful life moment, especially during this pandemic season. I love how you slow things up and let me have more time with You this year.  

Notes:  I wouldn't be able to enjoy working with corporate life this year due to the pandemic if I have accepted the offer. Well, in His time.  May be He will direct my path to another place or doing other things in the future.  I just need to be attentive to His leading.  In His time, not mine. 

May Your Will be done on earth as it is in heaven.  

- God's Will - 

May His Will be done on earth as it is in heaven

I grew up knowing God when I was very young (I accepted Christ at the age of 8, not sure before or after I encountered God personally while I was sick and in hospital).  I regard God as big part and central of why I am here on earth.  God has been the ultimate reason I live (at least that's what I thought I am) and the reason I devoted most of the time, energy and youth time for the Lord.  Serving God automatically become big part of my life, even when I was in the UK.  Even though serving God in churches in the UK is less hectic and busy than I was in Malaysia, it somehow gave me the satisfaction that I am serving God. When I came back to Malaysia, I have all the ministries placed on me again until I reached KK, it is still the same.. to a point I asked God, "God, I love you and I love serving You, but, when can I stop doing the same thing again and again?" 

Things somehow emerged to the era where I stopped serving God in the church as I have to run between two towns especially on weekend.  It's been more than 8 years now and as it is where it is now, I am not serving in Church anymore and I feel the sudden emptiness in me after my dad passed away and I can now spend some weekend here in KK.  I always think my exit from serving God in the church was my own fault and what I did not do good enough to handle the situation, and certainly failed to be a good Christian. For years I have thought about I have not done enough for this and that and I should have done more on this and that and I should have not done this and that and it keeps playing in my head over and over again.  Friends and misison partners have been reminded me however that it's history now and I should not let it take control over my future now.  So, I did and moved on (a little) and this short journey with God since the 'reset' button was pressed on has been kind of adventurous and interesting, even though I wish for more to come and that I get to do what I want to do for Him again.  

But instead of taking a role and being the one DOING the job, God has revealed to me that, it is not what I do or not do that makes me his disciples, even in a ministries or His works.  It is how to accomplish His will, even by doing nothing or just following His plan, even thought it means, I have to take the hit and be the one who is to be hurt and suffered.  Regardless how much I envy my friends and mission partners who can serves God as a bible study leader, as a prayer partner, involved in church ministries in various aspects, I am told to be doing a totally different thing now, relax, get back to the relationship with God, be patient and enjoy the moment with God.  I should be doing the Mary and not Martha now.  Of course, I do not stop trying to serve Him in other capcity.  I am still doing the least I can do, through my daily work.

Do I really envy others for being able to serve the Lord in various capacity? If I give it a deep thought, I will tell you, no.  But I do wish to serve Him still.  

Well, for whatever reason, for whatever that's gone past, and for whatever that's coming, I am praying that may His Will be done, not mine.  Lord, even if you want me to go through certain things just so that you will be done, that's entirely fine with me. 

- May His Will be done on earth as it is in heaven - 

It is necessary

We finished the teaching of Ezra today.  It was indeed a very good reminder of what is deemed necessary to be done.  

As a normal human being, there are sin that I have committed which is not pleasing in the eye of God.  As much I think I do not deserves God in my life anymore, I am grateful that He again and again told me that only sinner need to be redeemed by His blood and be given grace.  Ezra 10 is good reminder of (a) acknowledging the problem; and (b) deal with the problem, the drastic and painful way.  

I must have done so much unforgiving sin and yet, i am thankful to God that He again and again has told me that I am forgiven.  However, what was done cannot be undone and no matter how painful and drastic it is, measures were taken to stop it and moved on.  

With all that’s happened in the past and that I am still having a good relationship with God, i know i am very much loved by Him.  He has definitely the one guided me through all these and yet still loving me.  Thank you Lord.  No.  I will not disobeyed your command again and/or anymore because I love You, Lord. 

Thanks for sending angels who go through this with me too.  In order to have a better relationship with God, steps are necessary to be taken.  

- It is necessary - 

The consequences of greed

As a lawyer, I handled many litigations matters which started off by the word, 'greed'.  It all started with partners or friends being poor when they were young, everyone worked very hard and being successful and when things turned sour, there how the fight started and everyone attacked each other, forgetting how they become successful.  It is sad when people started to not appreciating how they came to be successful and they focus on how to be even richer in the future because according to them, building more wealth meaning the future of their children, their grandchildren and all are secured.  SERIOUSLY,  is anything that can be guaranteed and that future is secure?

Someone gave me a call yesterday out of nowhere and I have not met the person who engaged me for the service until today.  I was only given the picture that someone is trying to lock an office with an order pronounced without the sealed Order being extracted from the court yet.  It was pronounced at 3pm on 28.08.2020 in KL and immediately, they tried to lock the premise in KK, even though the Judge did say the winning party can take possession of all the records, books and properties of A company within 7 days from the day the sealed Order is served on the Defendant.  The lock was unlawful.  But they did it anyway on the basis that they were the directors of the company and they can do anything they want. 

Lawlessness is the thing now at this era because everyone wants their rights, but at the same time, do not want to be restricted by the laws, even though their rights are to be governed by the laws.  Everyone trying to say they are right and they have the rights to do so and so as if God's laws don't exist anymore. In the name of rights, greed gets it stands.  Because I want more money and I can manipulate things from the right to wrong, so it suits me and protects me and gives me benefit that I want, I mean, I deserve to have, because I am smart and you are not as smart as I am.  Alright, can you see how many me and I? Yes, it is all about me and my and I.  I don't care if you are my uncles or aunties or someone I should respect.  I am younger and smarter and so you HAVE to listen to me and give me what I want.  Just because of this, the world has turned upside down. How the world runs, it is on human now (the smart one they claimed) and not God.  "I can be God.  God's law is old fashion and useless and not up to date".  I can do better rules and law.  I just need to table it in the Parliament and get it passed and so all the rules and laws, according to the Bible or the Quran or whatever will be overruled.  Who cares if God says no homosexuality? Who cares if God says do not murder? Who cares if God says love your neighbour as yourself? Who cares if God says being angry. = murder? MY laws or my country's laws say it is alright and I abide with it and I am not a sinner and God is just and He knows I am not a sinner. 

People tend to forget how blessed they are and they survive well today because of the grace of God. In fact, no one 'lives' if not because of the grace of God.  Can God take away everything within a minute? Of course, He can.  That's what happened in Job and that's the reason why Job is one of the books in the Bible. And people started to blame God and be angry with God when they lose everything? But never remember how graceful God is to them when they have a good life, their business goes well, God sent them a good business partner to work hard together with, how God blessed them with family, friends and possessions?  and because they wanted more, they used their own strength and ability to gain and forget about whether that's what God wants them to have?

People's mind and focus were distorted by greed, that's planted by the evil.  People started to believe the lies that, they need money to survives and without money they died.  No.  We don't.  Without God, we died. That's the truth and that's the ONLY thing that we cannot survives without.  I am sure you can recall many bible verses about not to be greedy, how to love each other, abide in Him, etc. etc.  That's what God wants us to focus on and not on our own ability, our own needs and wants our own rules and comforts. It is nothing about us, it is all about Him. 

It is sad to see family, wealth, businesses are tarnished because only one man falls into the trap of greed and all because he is focusing on his own and not others. 

I have to tell you that the consequences of greed will never give you a prosperous life and that's the truth. 

- the consequences of greed - 

Walking

 It's a Bank Holiday in the UK and that reminded me that I used to do a lot of walking during Bank Holiday when I was in the UK.  Unfortunately, I do not remember having photographs taken on my walking experiences because the mobile phone, taking pictures was not what we do during those days.  Instead, getting ready for the walk with wind jacket or raincoat, checking weather by watching the news on TV, preparing food for lunch such as sausage pie, pork pie, fruits, etc. are what we focus on then. 

I had the privilege to have 2 if not 3 English family who took me in or invited me over to their place and joined them for walking during those short period of time while I was in England.  I experienced wonderful English cultures, met some deer along the walk, explored the British canals and even did one to make sure our boats (Canal) gone through it, etc.  It's fun.  I am documented this here because I have 0 photograph on it and the only 2 persons who can justify my story are Mrs Joyce Thomas and Sara Thomas, which I do not know if they remember that. 

A friend just told me that she is going for a long walk on the white cliffs of Doven and it just reminded me of how awesome and exciting walking can be. One of the things I love about in England is walking.  Well, I wonder now when will be next time I get the chance to do walking in England again.  

- Walking - 

Feeling good

To be able to feel good could be one of the reasons why we are doing what we are doing.  No one does things or decide to do things that will make themselves feeling upset or not happy about. Everyone makes a decision to do something based on whether what they do will bring them happiness.  

We often hear one asking another when both or more of them sit together to decide on things, by asking, "do you feel good about this?"  A mutual decision has to be making both parties happy about it.  Even having sex, you need to make sure that the other party is to say yes to proceed to make it not amounting to rape. You need to make sure parties are agreeable to things in order for an arrangement to succeed, even for divorce, if not marriage. That's what the basis is, we want to make sure we are happy about things we do, things we decide to do, or things that we do not want to proceed.  

Taking into other's feeling into consideration is what we were taught to do since young.  Respect each other's feeling and wishes.  That's what I grow up with.  Even things that I deemed as important, it might not be as important for others.  Even if things that you think is nice, it might not be nice for me. Even if you think pre-marital sex is alright, it might not be alright to me.  That's the freedom that we talk about when we talk about human rights freedom.  We all have the rights to voice our opinions, be it you agree or disagree with it. 

Over the past years, I realised... this has become an excuse for people to use in their 'defences' in escaping from their own faults and criminal acts.  In the name of freedom of speech, they have violated laws and regulations, trying to escape from their criminal acts and fault.  Let's not talk about political views.  Let's talk about the things we do every day.  These days, we have people who committed to a marriage, because they FEEL GOOD to do so.  We have people to have children because they FEEL GOOD about it. They feel it is a success in life, they feel that it is good to have children because people are proud of them and their achievement.  They bought a nice car because they FEEL GOOD about having a nice posh car so everyone thinks they are a success.  How people look at them make them FEEL GOOD.  They posted their 'success' on social media so people will praise them and give them 'liked' and by doing so, they FEEL GOOD about it.  People wanted to buy big houses and nice cars even though they do not have the money to because by doing that, the FEEL GOOD.  Some people who ended up in debts and facing bankruptcy today because they FEEL GOOD to have their children study oversea even though they know they cannot afford.  Some changed their mind about the wife or husband they married because they don't FEEL GOOD about them anymore and someone else is making them FEEL GOOD.  Some of them FEEL GOOD about getting a divorce regardless of what God says about not to divorce.  Some of them even kill people because they FEEL GOOD to rant their anger out.  Still some, they take drugs because nothing in life makes them FEEL GOOD except drugs.  

These days, I heard many ridiculous 'theological' opinion when it comes to the prosperity gospel.  Anything that does not make you feel good is not from God.  Wow.  Really?  I realised that people are overemphasising on FEELING GOOD.  Seriously, without bad, how would you know what is good? Are we to lives by our impulsive feeling alone? So, can I end my life because I feel good about doing it? Is it really about us feeling good that makes everything about our lives? or we are supposed to ask the question, "Is this pleasing God?".  

Is pleasing ourselves more important than pleasing God? If anything that's not well, good or happy happening in you, is that not from God? Really? The last time I checked, the book of Job, the book of Ezra, the book of Lamentations, and the books talking about the imprisonment of Paul are still parts of the books in the Bible.  Are we having a different bible? 

Is what we are doing each day is for our own good or is it for His purpose and Will? If it is for our own pleasure and happiness, is that mean Jesus can just say, "sorry God, I changed my mind.  You love me right? come on.... use Peter instead maybe?" 

Well, I am not a theologian.  I am just merely saying, I think people are just overemphasised on their own feeling too much.  They have forgotten about taking other's feeling into consideration and more so, we certainly have not taken God's feeling into consideration.  Divorce? SERIOUSLY?  Murder? Taking drugs? Selling drugs? earning millions? corruption? for the sake of FEELING GOOD about it? 

Fighting your rights, voicing your opinion and what you want is permissible, but when you try to override all other laws by your own ONE opinion, I think you are really seeing your own rights and opinion too highly.  

I always respect people with their own opinions.  I do.  But my respect to them ends the moment they violated other laws and respect for others.  

If I am doing everything based on what I feel good alone, I wouldn't be doing what I am doing today or I definitely won't represent some idiots in their stupid court cases.  

- Feeling good -

Respect II

It was a very hot summer day.  I was sitting at the living room, waiting for the worker from the logistic company to come and to arrange 2 of the boxes to be shipped back to Malaysia sometime in July 2000. While the worker came, I noticed he’s sweating excessively and he immediately asked for a drink. 

Being a typical Chinese Malaysian who was taught to be polite, hospitable and with manner, I went into the kitchen, looked for the best drink I could offer and it did not come to my mind that tap water should be an option. I opened the fridge and I saw this precious packet drink that I treasured so much (It was difficult to get some of those during my stay in the UK then) and even if it was available, I will have to take at least 2 hours journey to the city to get it) – Chrysanthemum Tea.  Yes!  I must share with him this great drink and I am sure he will appreciate it.  I quickly took one packet without much thought and handed him.  He had a look at it, took a sip or two and he threw the whole packet on the floor and uttered, “Gracious God, what sort of drink is this? Such a disguising taste.”. He got so angry, moved my Two boxes to the car, signed a few papers and left.

Oh well, a different perspective isn’t it?  Something an Asian would think is the best and precious, not necessary what a Westerner would love.  Something an Asian dislike doesn’t mean they are being low class or wrong.  It is just a personal preference.  I still prefer a Chinese tea better than an English tea sometimes and the Malaysia KFC is definitely more delicious than those in the UK.  A NIVUK version of Bible compare to NKJV version, or even a Chinese bible is better than English?

By forcing that guy to drink what I think was the best drink I can then offered, was a mistake.  I should have asked him if he prefers to have the packet drink or tap water, shouldn’t I?  What I perceived as the best, does not necessary is what you want or need. 

Well, I was heartbroken that day after the incident, not about hurting the guy’s feeling though. For losing one Chrysanthemum Tea. 🤣

Respect the differences

On one winter day, a group of 15 people from different countries and cultures walked from point A to B, where the sun decided to show up halfway through the journey. A Malaysian quickly reacted by taking out her umbrella, while some in the group got shocked and wonder what happened. Most of them looked up the sky and one or two asked if it is raining. I saw the whole incident and I couldn’t hold my laughter and laugh so badly that everyone looked at me. The Malaysian did not know why people had such reaction and did not understand why umbrella is needed when it is not raining and some think using the umbrella to avoid the sun is funny and ridiculous and some think that if it is not an umbrella, how are we going to avoid the UV.

Everyone has a different point of view about the sun, the usage of the umbrella and what is good or bad for their skin. We all have a different point of view. The Malaysian might not be able to understand in their lifetime why some people love the sun so much. The westerners might not understand why the Malaysian need to avoid the sun. I do not think it is an issue of right or wrong or who's ideas and reasons are more supreme than the others. It is just personal preferences, cultures and customs.

You don’t need to accept other’s preferences, cultures and customs or make others accept yours. Respect each other’s preferences, cultures and customs, even though if the other Malaysian decided to use a transparent umbrella.

We might not be able to understand why one decided to react the way they do, but we can only respect that, it is for their own good.  Yes.  It might sound selfish, but we are an individual self, which we decide to do certain things for our own best.  For whatever culture and customer believe, for whatever situation it is.  Stop judging.  Respect others. 

-Respect the differences - 

The Godly Lawyer

When I first using the name, "the Godly lawyer", I received many comments about the name.  Many are of the opinions that it is impossible that lawyer to be Godly.  That saying was in my mind for the past 15 years at least.  During this period of time, often I find myself pondering over what Godly lawyer means.  Is that about the character of the lawyer, the ability of the lawyer or how prestigious the lawyer is?  To be honest, there's no absolute answer to that definition of 'godly'.  Why am I using that name, "the Godly lawyer"?

First, it is a challenge to myself that, I need to be reminded that, I am a lawyer today because of God.  There's no way that I become a lawyer because of my own ability.  For those who know me for years, you know that it is a miracle that I am a lawyer today and no one, including my mother in her wildest imagination, will believe that I am a lawyer today.  

Secondly, as a lawyer, I know it will always be challenged to be more like Him whenever I am in this profession.  People can never associate lawyer with the servant of God.  People think to uphold justice has great chances that we are of the 'black' side, trying to help criminals, trying to lie and make sure justice is not done. This understanding consists of general or the majority of people in the world.  The lawyers always standing in oppose to police and prosecution.  The lawyers always stand as the one who challenges the police and the prosecution.  That's what people understand the work of lawyers.  It is impossible to be like Jesus when you are a lawyer.  That's what people think. I do not blame the world or how people perceive lawyers. We, the lawyers are only an advocate.  Just like Jesus, who submit our prayers to the Most High.  As lawyers, we only submit our client's petitions and prayers to the Judge and I want to be reminded that, when I submit the petition and prayers to the Judge, I should do it like how Jesus is doing, that is without fabrication or tempering of evidence, speak the truth, submit the truth, get the judgment the truth.  Therefore, I advise my clients accordingly, with truth and love, that if they have done wrong, I make sure they are warned of their possible judgment and consequences.  Making sure that they are ready for their punishment.  If it is for them to get their justice, I will make sure that the Judge hears and understand my client's cries and make the fair and just decision. This is my calling and how a Godly lawyer should be.  

Thirdly, the world perceives lawyers as rich and famous.  They are of different level of reputation in society.  They are accessible only by a certain group of people, who usually also rich and famous.  Many say that lawsuits or litigation matters are rich man games.  I have to agree because in my practices, I met a few rich people who 'invested' in lawyers, high-class lawyers, trying to win the lawsuits, not because of compensation, not because of damages and losses, but for their face.  They are alright to spend millions and billions just so that they WIN the suitcase, for winning sake and not for any relief.    Lawyer to them is just a tool. For me, I do not want to be a lawyer who is just a tool for rich people.  I want to be a lawyer for those who are oppressed and for those who need help, even though they are unable to pay as much as those rich people.  I can be respected and known by many in the 'rich people world' and submitting their prayers a petition for them.  But it would be more meaningful for me in my practice when I am able to submit the petition and prayers of those who are poor to the Judge so their voice is heard too.  Everyone deserves to be heard and it shouldn't be only available for those who can pay or who is rich.  Like Jesus who is the son of God.  He rather being born in a manger, grew up as a carpenter and he is now seated in the right hand of the Father, be our advocate, regardless of whether we are rich or poor, as long as you want Him to be your advocate, He is there advocating for us.  That's my calling, the calling of the Godly lawyer.  

Because of my calling and focus to be a Godly Lawyer, I have met tremendous challenges which not many can understand.  First, I will not get paid for the job most of the time.  Secondly, I have been doing things the way which not everyone understands why I am doing it because to many people, things can be less challenging and I can guarantee to have a better lifestyle and wealth if I am doing what the rest of the lawyers are doing.   Thirdly, for how and what I need to do, I will have to do it alone because being a Godly Lawyer, I do not have the luxury, the reputation, the wealth and the respect that every other lawyer are getting.  Many who joint my firm, left because they realised that, I am not running a business.  Stick around with me will means, being a poor lawyer (both in wealth and in reputation).  

It explained why my office is operating in a very run-down house in a residential area.  My service is available to everyone, regardless of your backgrounds, your age, your race.  Just let me know, "How can I help"?

Is that easy to be Godly lawyer? No.  It's not.  Never is.  Most of the time,  I get mocking and complains and gossips, and discouragement instead of praise and a pat on the shoulder.  I understand that not everyone can understand what I am doing.  Most of the people measures me by the worldly ruler. I am judged.  I am criticized.  I am not being appreciated.  But, for whatever that is worth, I will still be a Godly Lawyer and hold on to what my calling is, be it the world look at me and laughed at my stupidity and irrationalism.  

Lord, this calling is too challenging, but not impossible to accomplished by Your help.  Help me to continue to be the Godly Lawyer and may all the glory be to you and you alone.  

So, is it possible to be Godly lawyer? Well, it's all about whether you are able to focus on God while you are being a lawyer or you wish to focus on yourself and how much you and enjoy in life. 

- the Godly Lawyer - 

#IcanonlyaccomplishthecallingofGodifHeiswithme 

#Ihavebeenblessed

#Iamthechosenlawyer

#godlylawyer

#theGodlyLawyer

Our desire v God’s Will

“Conflict comes because our own selfish desires are not being met. James uses strong language; we might think he is being over the top—after all, we don’t literally kill one another. But as James’ older brother (Jesus) once pointed out (Matthew 5:21-22), we do not need to kill in order to commit a form of murder.”  “ Christians allowing these desires to erupt into conflict are forgetting God’s grace: “You do not have because you do not ask God” (James 4:2b). Prayerlessness is a sign that someone is trying to run things in their own strength, for their own sake, and under their own authority. Prayerlessness arises from a sense of independence from God—so that instead of praying about our desires, we indulge them. Rather than trusting in the Father, who delights in giving good gifts to his children (Matthew 7:11), we ourselves decide what is good and seek to gain it through our own efforts. As well as forgetting the grace of God, James’ readers also forget the goodness of God: “When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures” (James 4:3).” [Sam Allberry - James for you].  

I was to continue my reading on other books in the Bible after I finished Colossians, but I was drawn to read James instead.  There’s no accident that I study James these few days because apart from being reminded about how much we can be manipulated by the evil spirit to think that our own desire is what God is to fulfilled for us when we asked prayerfully, I am also being reminded that, at the end of the day, we should focus on whether it is His Will that our desire is to be fulfilled and whether our desire is part of His Will that He has planned and predestined for us.  

James also reminded me about not being a double-minded and when I read Chapter 4 about being adulterous, i thought, that’s irrelevant to me.  But that’s exactly who I am.  On one hand, i said I love God, but at the other hand, I love the world, i desire for the world things and having the lack of it, I actually blamed God for not loving me.  It sounds ridiculous, but in fact, it is just how all adulterous is.  I have came across many couples who went into divorce in my work.  Most of them who were being said to have committed adulterous will turned around and blame the other party for not being good enough, not being able to fulfilled their selfish desire and wishes instead, as if because of that, they have all the rights to commit adultery.  Just like us, when we are facing God and being caught of committed ‘adultery’ towards God.  We blamed Him for not fulfilling the desires of our hearts and that’s the reason why we left Him and we try to seek our own desires by our own efforts.  Just like Abraham and Sarai who think that they need to take that human sensible part to ‘help’ God in fulfilling His promise.  

Over the past one month, I have been in deep thoughts over this issue with a friend, who desire so much to be in relationship and/or marriage.  Her situation is understandable and there’s so much grounds and basis that we can think of to justify that needs and desires and yet, the question we stopped at was whether that’s what God want or just what we want.  My doubt came clear when I started with James Chapter 4 and being said I am an adulterous.  Well, of course to my friend, she said she’s not clear as to whether she is taking things to her own hand because God works in mysterious ways and He might just send a man into her life through all sorts of ways. Well, I agreed, but so as the evil spirit.  To me, seek His kingdom first will probably a good start. 

The desire of the world.  That covered a huge areas of issues in our life.  Chapter 4 in James also talked about whether it is our own desires (including your freedom of speech, freedom of religion, human rights, democracy) that make us started our quarrel with each other? When Jesus says, “Love your neighbour as yourself”, is neighbour consist of people in China or US , the black, the whites, those who hurts you and those who blesses you? Those whom you dislike and hates? Those who are not christians?  Or because of our desires for freedom, we can disowned His command and starting to kill others? Yes, Kill, as what James said when he referred to when he talked about being angry with your brothers and sisters.  

The world is in chaos.  Everyone is attacking everyone, all put their own desires as priority and grounds to vent their angers toward others.  Is that mean, we disobey His command? and if so, can we still call ourselves Christian or God’s children? 

I leave it to you to answer the above.  For now, i see the sin I committed, I grieve, mourn and wail over it.  Lord, have mercy and grace upon me. I hoping that He will forgive me for looking at my own desire greater than anyone’s else, especially His. Lord, thanks for the reminders.  

- Our desire v God’s Will - 

Lawsuits among believers

One of the causes of my depression some years ago was because of the hypocrisy of church leaders.  Yes.  You got me right.  It’s not just believers, but those who are supposed to be leaders, who are the shepherd who is guiding and tending us, the believers who got me in a depressive state and left me alone to ‘die’.  That’s my exact feeling and emotions then.  

1 Corinthians 6: 1-11 clearly stated how believers should do when it comes to disputes among believers and whether a lawsuit is an option.  It is clearly stated that, if there are any disputes, one should not look at their own interest and advantages and bring one another to courts. It is a shame. Yes. I feel utterly ashamed of what had happened when those so-called church leaders brought the church disputes to court to sue the Bishop of Sabah or the Archbishop of South East Asia.  I quote verse 7, “The very fact that you have lawsuits among you means you have been completely defeated already.” What I couldn’t brained and accept it was that the two parties involved not only one bishop and some leaders, but a few bishops and mostly senior priest.  I couldn’t take it.  I find it ridiculous.  I gave up, without a fight.  When people started to attack me because I am on one side (current bishop then), everyone attacked me like nobody businesses in the PCC meetings and other church ministries.  I find myself not serving God, but trying to please people coming from every corner.  I felt drained, I felt unable to breathe, I felt I should give up and walked away, which I did.  I do not want to be part of any side.  

Yeah.  Shame on the believers.  Shame on the church leaders and shame on me, because I am too the believer, a trained advocate who is supposed to be able to arbitrate the matter, but Bishop Albert then did not want to burden me.  And me, I just walked away, sank under my sadness and depression. Shame on me, being God’s child but have failed big time to remain faithful to Him, focus on Him and His ministry, but to let the disputes to go the court, not bothering much about the court matters and let it happened and deal with before non-believers, even though that had caused even more depressive episodes to me and that I wanted so much to give up on being a Christian because I feel so ashamed to be part of that community.  Shame on me for running away and trying to gather me.  

I wonder if the party who won the lawsuit is feeling great about winning.  I wonder if things restored now to the ‘unproductive’ administrative of the church news means more people have come to know Christ? I wonder if any of these people who deemed successful, feeling as winners or feeling being defeated.  My heart sank the moment not I was attacked, but when leaders gathered their ‘flocks’ to go against the primate as if they are upholding justice, a justice that they have forgotten that is in God’s hand.  Passing judgment on others is easy.  I might be doing it now too, subconsciously, but I definitely feel like a loser ever since then and not even dare to tell others that I am a Christian, or I am from this church or denomination.  

Lord, I am sorry that I am such a loser in the past.  Help me to focus again on You.  

May our God sanctify and justified us in our daily walk with Him. 

- Lawsuits among believers - 

Favouritism

It’s been more than a month now that the Black Lives Matter movement has happened and people suddenly want to wipe the history out and demanding for their position to be established and recognized.  Everyone wants to be recognized, every race wants to have their stand and position, and everyone thinks they do have the rights for everything they want in the world, which does not just their voice be heard, but also their demand be fulfilled, a failure which, their rights is violated and not respected.  There goes the situation in 2020, which everyone is trying to endanger other’s life just because they think their voice is worth more interest than any other’s life, if not voice.

I was born Chinese race (and that’s what I put in every single form I need to fill in), in Malaysia, a Muslim country.  I am also a Christian (that’s what I put in every single form I fill in).  Malaysia is a democratic country where freedom of speech and freedom of religion is part of the Federal Constitution, which give us the rights to choose our religion and also the freedom to speak whatever you want to, as long as it is not against the governments and Islam and you have the freedom to be in whatever religion, but strictly no sharing of religions issues to Muslims and that’s the law.  I grew up understanding freedom comes with boundaries. I observe them and not only I am still bound under the law, but I also respect the laws, and even though I am fully trained with English laws, I can identify and recognized the differences of the laws between England and Malaysia and respect both them the same.

Racism.  Being Christian Malaysian Chinese, people will only recognize me as “CHINESE”, and not bothering whether I am from Malaysia or from China or even from England. As long as they saw my face, they know, I am a CHINESE.  For a Chinese to walked into a church in England, some people wonder (a) if I am a Christian; (b) whether I am a communist spy from China; (c) whether I have a clue where I am.  When they asked me where I am from and I answered Malaysia and they will give me a look like I am definitely not someone they want to welcome. ... and that’s Church in England that I was talking about.... until of course, they realized that my dad is a priest and thereafter, I got a BETTER treatment.

At work, in England... it was terrible.  People think I am a Chinese and they started to swear and talked bad about China and Chinese, the communist country, the treatment they treated their citizens (to be honest, I don’t think the citizen feels bad about how the government treats them and they are thankful they survived the day if not year) and when they realised I am not from China, they were curious to know how come Chinese are not living in China (Oh yes, they are that stupid) and think that I must be those blessed one, but not knowing how my grandma was sold to Borneo as a slave and all.  Cut the story short, I get bullied badly while working in England, as CHINESE or having a CHINESE face.

In church in Malaysia.  I was taught to wear my Sunday best to church on Sunday and if I am not, I feel awfully guilty about it.  That last till Secondary school time, where I read about what James says about favouritism.  Ever since, I am curious to find out how people sees me if I am not dressing up nicely to church, but just decently.  I dislike being treated ‘special’ and so many times, I rather attend other churches than those where my parents or brother are attending. I find their service or treatment is superficial.  Worse still when I saw them giving special treatments to the Datuk, Datin, the rich people, etc. because all I heard is they need monies for their churches and all.  Honestly, I dislike such acts.

I experienced this a lot in the past 25 years of my life and I seriously wonder if the church ever read and understand James Chapter 2.  Sometimes, I wonder if the churches have counterfeit faith in them too.  When i was in need of some help, all i gets from my pastor was, “this is the burden that you need to overcome it yourself and we are unable to help you to”.  I wonder if I am not a poor, sick soul but a rich sick soul, will things be different? or may be... if my parents are rich one? May be the church or the leaders will say, “we will ask the whole team to help you”.

I hate favouritism but I do know it happens everywhere, even in the church office and the priest’s home. Are we, those who shows favouritism is worthy to be called Christian? or are we those who claimed to have faith but failed to act is to call ourselves Christian?

I dislike favourites but it happens everywhere.  I hope those who claimed themselves a Christian, especially those who are trying to dominate the world, read James 2 thoroughly and apply them in their lives.  Well, I am not pointing that just to them obviously.

- Favouritism -

Pain that I am unable to overcome... yet!

I am not sure if I should add the word ‘yet’ because, I might not be able to overcome this pain and fear in me, which hindrances me from advancing to the next level of ‘trust’ on people, or probably God too. I wonder from time to time if there’s anything I can do to make me feel better or have a different view on this.... but, let’s say, my wisdom and understanding is too limited to comprehend or to interpret from another perspective. What am I talking about exactly? Well, the pain of seeing my loved one suffer and worry about me, which is so great that I rather not have them to love me, if loving me means they need to suffer the pain of seeing me suffer.  

I do realise that some people do enjoy being loved, visited, and cared for when they are in their sick or dead bed. I don’t. This has brought me pain rather than feeling loved because seeing them worry and in pain, it bring no joy to me at all, even though I know I am going to be fine, I am going to die and go to heaven, and that’s mean I am loved and not being rejected (finally), but somehow, I can only take it at the very beginning, but not when it happened again and again. No. It is not a good feeling. 

I remember vividly how I was carried by hand by my dad to clinics, tests center, hospitals, while I can barely walk and needed to be treated immediately. I remember how everyone looks like when they came and saw me. I must have been in bad shape that everyone who walks in, will show me the face of concern and worries. I remember how the expression and reaction from people when they talked about me (which I can hardly hear). I don’t really like seeing people whom I loved to worry about me. I was taught later in my life that I need to make sure I don’t worry my parents and I know it is impossible for them not to at some point. I will have to decide and choose between whether to tell them now or later and weight between which one is a greater worry to them. 

I am not in a tip-top healthy soul since I was born. I have grown up with an untreatable disease that I just took very good care of and that people did not know about it. As I age, things are getting more obvious and frequent and that I find it difficult to cope sometimes, especially if there are people around me that I do not want to share my burden with. I hear you.... you are saying, i should share the burden. I get it. I would love you to share with me if you are in my position too. But history and past experiences had told me that, not everyone can stand and bear that burden with me and I might end up not sharing the burden, but killing your heart and mind too. So, no. Not everyone is given that chance to share. For those who tried and left, I still thank you for being there for me. For those who tried and ‘died’, I am sorry that I did not know you better to say "No" to you when you offered to share the burden with me. For those who are still sharing, you know you are great. I do not have to worry about you because you are mature enough, you know how I feel completely because part of you are facing the same thing and coping things way better than I do. I am grateful that whatever I throw at you, you are able to tackle it and handle it so well that you ended up by helping me to get up on my feet too. Seeing how you handle things, gave me a totally different perspective of things, but at the same time, trying my best to adapt the word ‘yet’ in this writing... 

I want to believe that, one day, I will be able to overcome that bit of ‘obstruction’ so I can accept people to love me again. But for now, I guess... I am not there yet unless God sent someone who changed my perspective completely and that I can say, “OK. let’s do it”.

For now, I am grateful enough to have friends who said, “ I am not worry about you because I know you are in God’s hand.  But I do concerned about you”.  

At this moment, I really do not like to or unable to bear to see my loved one who worries about me or potentially suffered to take care of me because they love me.  Well, guess I need a love that’s as big as God’s to fill. hahaha... 

- Pain that I am unable to overcome ... yet! - 

Die or love?

“Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. Whoever loves his life loses it, and whoever hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life.” (John 12:24–25)

It has been for months and years that I yelled and complained that, "I HATE MY JOB" and yet, it's proven that I have been doing my job well so far.  I don't know how it happened (except giving credit to God and His grace, I really think ... it is by His grace only), but I get to arrest a ship during Movement Control Order period and it's done without delay and clients are happy because upon the ship being arrested, they get their full payment and things resolved thereafter.  The case was referred to me by my ex-boss in KL.  A big boss from a big firm and somehow he referred and when I told him it's done and I got the payment and wanted to forward him his referral fees, he's impressed of my honesty and also my work ethics and professionalism.  Cut the story short, he asked me this morning if I am keen to give a webinar talk on ship arrest.  When I told him I do not think I am qualified to give the talk, he asked if there's anything I can share with the lawyers and pupils in his firm through a webinar talk.  It caught me by surprise, to be honest.  Coming from a big boss? A boss who has 60 lawyers under him? 

I told a friend whom I know from another friend and she somehow told me, when my friend introduced me to her, my friend also said, I am a ship arrest expert.  Now, that's really caught me by shock. I could have done it a few times, but that doesn't mean I am an expert.  I just do what I need to, check the rules, do some research, and go with it.  Interestingly, many thought I have been doing something others won't do.  Well, I was just being given a chance to do it.  Period. 

So, I ponder for a while on what topic I can share with my ex-boss' firm.  I did a dissertation on Medical negligence in Malaysia that needs to be reformed.  I have done some cases on IP laws concerning mostly on trademark infringement and passing off issues.  I am very good in estate matters and goods sold and delivered, but that's generally a very boring topic.  I can share my opinion on issues and laws on euthanasia in Malaysia.  I can talk about the importance of e-commerce law in Malaysia post-Covid-19.  Then the list goes on and on and I realised, OK... that's so much in mind that I can share with others, which I have never taken the chance to share.   

But how good am I to a point I tell myself, I REALLY HATE MY JOB?  To be honest, I really hate my job.  Every morning I woke up and think about the job, because of job, I can bury myself in the works that I need to accomplish.  Ever since the ship arrest matter, every single time I switch on the computer and started to work, I realised, I don't have time for anything else.  I don't have time to cook myself lunch or even order lunch.  I missed out lunchtime.  I miss out to sort out all other personal things, calling friends, checking on friends and relatives, say hi to friends, etc. etc.  Everything is all about work and work and work.  

I don't even have time to study the bible and be with God every day.  Some times, it's just read the daily devotion that sent into my email inbox every day.  I forgot how important it is to start the day with Him.  It's literally like, "Hi, sorry God, I am busy, maybe I call you again when I am less busy, could be next month". 

When I read the bible verse quoted above, I know.... that how much I need to hate my job in order for me to follow Him.  I always say God never loves me, God forgot about me.  But the truth is, it's the other way round.  I forgot God and He's angry and yet He is still waiting for me ... even though I said June or next month or whatever.......  He's angry but yet He still loves me.... and you know that feeling exactly when you angry with your son or daughter but at the same time you love them still. 

I need to be dead - not to love my life AT ALL.  That's what He has been telling me all along.  To not love my life.  But I have not been able to grasp the other less He has been trying to tell me... to follow Him so I can bear fruits.  When I have to choose between works or to leave my comfort zone for Him, I never know that moment when I have to act is THAT difficult.   

May is ending and it seems like I have more cases coming in, with the future prospect of working with ex-boss' firm, etc.  Future seems 'brighter', and so, I am wondering if it is really time for me to close the firm and moves on.  How much do I hate my life?  I used to hate it so much that I rather I don't have life to continue with.  

Which is harder? 

- Die or love? -