Enjoying life!

Yes.  I am enjoying life since December 2011.  No idea why is that so, but it seems like... I am enjoying the fact that I have achieved what I should and am waiting for the time to come...  well, tell me what I have not achieved and I need to worry about? None. hahahaha...
Well, I am also enjoying the fact that I still survive today and I don't bother much about whom I want to share my life with.  Fact is, why do I want to share with people? It's selfish time.
It's even a better feeling when I started to 'divorce' clients that's what I call, PROBLEMATIC.  Some people just love to argue and argue and argue not knowing we have saved him from paying millions to others.  They still think getting some amount from the other party is too few and he started to defame my name, etc.  As bold as I used to be, that's what I did, discharged myself and tell him to get the money himself, etc. without even helping him with it. Some people who just do not know how to appreciate others' help.  They just take me for granted again and again.  And I am getting tired of being 'used'.
I enjoyed even more when i manage to draft summons and writ to sue people ... for everything under the sun, whenever my clients gave me the green lights.  I just love the way it is.  So, don't try to step on me ... I will just sue.  That include clients who defame my name.  Beware.  I am not as nice as before.  I am back to the cunning me...
Well, like everyone says.. as long as I am happy, right??? So I am. I really enjoy my current life.
- Enjoying life! -

Birthday!

I cannot remember when was the last time I celebrated my own birthday with fun and happiness.  Last year, I remember I can't feel happy at all because my dad was still in critical condition and both my mom and I were just couldn't have our mind focus on anything else.  I was also still sufferred from getting the right medication for myself and with all the being de-friended issues, my heart wasn't even want to lives for another day, what more, to celebrate my birthday? 

This year, somehow is a celebration to me.  I arrived Tawau in the afternoon today.  Fetched by a cancer survivor, we both went for a drink.  When I reached home, I told my dad, 'I am home, dad... and today is my birthday... I survived another year!  I am a winner...' .  He put a smile on his face when he heard that.  Yes.  That's exactly the reason why I celebrated it.  It's a lot of hard work for the past one year.  To survive physically, financially, emotionally.... it's the biggest challenge I ever had in my life.  It's also a best feeing I ever had, to know that I managed to overcame it completely! The hardest time would be a week plus ago I suppose.  After so many months of 'well-ness', i forgot it would come and haunt and tried to destroy me.  I forgot.  I almost lost the battle.  Almost... thank God for pain.. that caused me to pass out completely until the next morning. 

To Mel who tried very hard to make me seek a second opinion, I still stand very firm on my ground.  I am sorry... I know many are trying very hard to push me to get 'better', but, I really don't wish to, ANYMORE.

Set Fui who asked me to make a wish this year so that my wish shall come true.  Haha... She knew me very well.  I never have any wish and she always wish I find a man and get married - knowing that I can't lives without being loved and being taken care of.  I didn't tell her, but my wish is... to be with the Lord soonest possible (I guess everyone knows this? hehe...)

Today can be my last birthday...  no one knows.  Hence I am celebrating it!  Thanks for a bunch of good friends who stand by me all these while and to cheers me up on my birthday eve (due to my return home schedule for cases).  This year, I had 2 cakes.  Both, my favourite chocolate cakes.  Finally, everyone knows I hates cheese cake. hahaha... If I survive another year, let's celebrate again next year!  I promise I will try... as my motto this year is to stay alive!!!

Thank you for those who remember me today.  Thanks for the most dearest one who delivered Caleb on 14th Feb (Malaysia time) to cheers me up.  Well, Caleb wins.... he got all your attention and I am not jealous. hahahaha... :) Thanks for bringing joy and happiness, friends and family.... love you all so much!

- Birthday! -

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Focus!

People around me only has one concept towards what I am facing.  Everything is wrong is to do with none focusing on God.  So, they keep telling me to focus on Him alone.  I somehow wonder if they know what they are saying because I can focus on God pretty well so far.  Knowing that God loves me has nothing to do with what I am facing here.  No wonder I was being warned that church and christian somehow will be the cause for me to kill myself if I am not careful and listens to them too much.  I am glad I am warned.  

With all the push and efforts made, I went to church alone last week (usually I will have Vui Theng to accompany me but she's tight up with parents last week), wishing, hoping, expecting my soul be lifted up and be edified.  For about 5 to 6 months now that I have not suffer any episode of depressive disorder and life has been perfectly well and good.  Happily went to church and my soul and spirit were so discouraged and downcasted instead.  Went for lunch with everyone still, hoping everything will falls into places instead and my mind just get out of control that evening and suffer another episode.  Worse thing is, I forgot how much this 'pain' is causing me and how much I dislike it and even how to deal with it.  I couldn't remember how I manage to climb out from it the last time, ... I had a game and a fellowship to attend that evening, but yet, ... I was attacked so badly... which I forgot when was the last time it was this serious.  Amazingly, space probably is the only thing I have and that gave me all freedom to try out all things to see which one works.  Had my dinner, rested, watched TV, listens to music, etc.  It was better, but gone terribly worse around 10pm (that's sounds like the usual timing).  Finger have no choice but to click on a speed dial that I set on long ago for emergency purposes.  Friend picked up, hang up because I didn't know what to tell, what to talk about and neither does she. When I managed to after a few tries, all I got from her was... even worse comments, ridicules, laughters, disbelieve, complete rejection and neglects, etc. and it makes it even worse.  What else do I have in order to stop all these? Focus on God? I don't know if I should anymore.  Somehow, it's going to church that started all these.  

I seriously hates the feeling when it happen.  No word I can use to describe how it feels like.  It's not upset, grievance, etc.  I don't know how to describe besides the word "downcast".  For Lin Pei San to tell you, 'It is painful', ... it really means, it is damn painful.  Pain, to me is NOTHING.  I have been bearing with pain on my foot for the past 20 over years.. for me to rather trade death with the pain, it only means, this pain is so unbearable.  So, stop laughing at me when I tell you it's painful.  

I have make up my mind for now, not to attend any church.  Yes, about focusing on Him, not church. That's all I need. Seriously, I cannot afford another episode.  I so hates it when it is conquering me. 

- Focus! - 

Achievement!

Seriously, I have been asking God, when are you going to bless me like how you blessed others? In order for me to be blessed by You, do I need to be like them? Can I be a Godly lawyer instead? Well,... He blessed me somehow when I put my feet firm on the ground and followed the non-discount rules.  Being cunning, not giving discount, calculate every single bit that I can claim from, not giving free lunch, etc.  With that, my business started to go the second mile.  I have purchased this car a month plus ago.  Due to some mistake made by the car dealer, I got my car today instead of sometime before chinese new year.  Anyway, I am glad, I got my car today.  Peugeot 207SV.  It's not a huge, bizarre car or something that's so hard to get.  Everyone can just buy one if they want to.  I am feeling the joy because I know I have somehow achieved another level.  This is my second car.  My first car is still in use of course.  My dear little faithful car. It better reach Tawau sound and safe.  I seriously not knowing how am I going to cope financially with all these. But, I will not calculate a single bit.  Will just be happy about it and move on.  I wish I can get a better car but I am contented with this one at the moment.
I am sharing the joy today with people I know.  I am so glad Delson and Lisa came and we had a ride... had a time of fellowship together.  Love them heaps...!  The best joke was, Lisa said "now you drive this car to CCL and see whether they will come and shake your hand".  hahaha... well... I am really happy to have them all support and around me, be it for joyful moments for sad moments. They are the best!
- Achievement! -

Denial!

People keep saying I lives in denial.  Yeah, in a way, because I do not want to keep thinking that I am sick and yet I don't feel sick at all.  Those who has been meeting me and seeing all these months can testify how 'normal' I am.  But those who lives in denial are not me, but those who always think I am sick.  I am not sure if they will do the same to those who has high blood pressure.  They treated me differently, they rejected me of who I am just like how they rejected a prostitute, someone who has aids, someone who just released from prison, etc. etc. The denied the fact that they have failed to love everyone like Jesus Christ.  To cover up their failure, they keep lying and lying to a point, they point that lies to me and said, I am the one lying and making things out. You can't believe this happen in a church? I can tell you this is true and I am the victim.
For a year plus, no one from the church called me and asked me how I am doing.  Instead, they called my brother, because he is the priest, everyone knows him and he appear to be the only and eldest son in the family.  He has gained respect because he is the eldest son and he is a priest.  But no one realised what he did to the family.  Those who are closely concern my parents do know how much I did and yet, I didn't ask any help from anyone.  I cope with it.  If you tell others I am suffering from depression, no one will believe you.  Not a soul.  Vivienne Y can testify that.
I didn't manage to attend church with Vui Theng on Saturday night because I was having stomach discomfort.  But I promise myself I will wake up early the next day and attend church service.  I did.  I went and I had a great time worshipping God.  But when the sermon started, I felt so uncomfortable because the preacher was my brother and he preached about sharing and loving each other in a cell group/church.  Ghoosh... sharing and loving each others? Do they love me in Christ Church Likas? How come I feel even more worthless and even more unwelcome and more being rejected? Doesn't love draws people closer? But I feel they all ran away from me already.  And my brother who talks about love? I was telling my mom how irony i was ... and she laughed out loud and said, I should not have gone to a service where he is preaching in the first place.  I told I am not going to any church from now because it makes me feel even more depressed to know church is like this these days.  I missed my church in England.  I missed DUMC in KL.  I need to go back to God.  That's the main point and the only way is, to be closer to God.  Yes, that's the exact problem.  The closer I am to Him, the more I know how bad the church is these days.  I am in no position to judge anyone.  It's only the church and its people that judged me that makes me feel very much annoyed.
I can't even thought of anyone else to call besides Vanessa 2 days ago, after punching pillows for a few times, threw my Swiss knife out of the window, etc., I know I need to call someone.  But the question of, what to talk about always pop out and yes, that's exactly the PROBLEM.  Who can I call and what to tell.  My doctor has realised that asking me 'What Happen' will not render any answer because my sickness, doesn't cause by any 'causes' or 'trigger'.  It's what inside my brain.  Nothing to tell. All he might do, would be ask me how's work, did I play basketball or badminton this week, i.e. just to divert my mind to other things than DEATH.  Vanessa of course keep giving me all sorts of non-sense.  I don't know if i should give thanks to her for finding some topics to talk about or what... but somehow that helped a bit to divert my concentration to other things. Thought, it is hurtful and painful in the heart.  I always told her, she always think she didn't manage to help me, but actually she did it all the time.  Hence, I still call her, even if she raise anger in me, it helped.
Church in denial? Well, let me ask those who claimed I asked or expected too much from them.  What have I ever ask you for? Money? Company? What have I ever ask you for? Do you think I really needs your help to lives and move on? I don't.  My life is perfectly well and good... I am my new car tomorrow.  I am staying at my own condominium.  How many of you have all these? Second car at the age of 37? My own law firm that earns millions? Come on... friends? Do I need a lots of friends? I am born, trained to lives independently.  Ask my mom, she will tell you at the age of 6, I started to hold my house keys and cook, eat and do everything myself.  Do I need company? I don't.  Everyone who is close to me knows that.
Why do I feel worthless and rejected? because I am not just feeling it.  I AM. How much weight does all these worthlessness and rejection influence me? Probably once a month when my brain started to reject positive-ness and came out with negative-ness?  Other days, it has no influence to me at all.
I am not living in denial.  Those people who rejected me are because they can't accept the fact that they haver wrongly judged me.  Why am I so concern about this? hahahaha... just because i am a lawyer and I hates injustice.  Not only hates.  I can't tolerant injustice.  That's why. I will fight this fight until justice is prevail.
- In denial -

The cause...

Many thought i don't go to church these days because i am sick. But the fact is,i am very much discouraged by the church instead. By the church, by the priests and by the members. I lost my faith in God because of the church instead. I gave up...

- the cause...-

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Un-friend vs. Love

During the most difficult time in my life, there are people who has been 'unfriend' to me and there are people who stand by to help.  When expectation were not met, it either brought joy/hope or it brought hurts to me.  By looking at the lists on the 2 previous blog posts, somehow, the hurts feels deeper than the joy / hope.  But by looking at the 2 blog posts again and again, I realised, I don't hates any of them, neither am I angry with them.  In fact, I love them very much still.  ALL of them.  I am just grateful to have those who stand by me and support me to be around.  To be honest, it is more hurtful when i am not being counted and invited into their lives, to share their lives together.... it hurts more when I am unable to love or my love is being denied completely.  I won't know why my love is being turned down.  I will never know.  But i don't regret for loving any of them.  God knows my heart.  Hence, even if I have un-friend them, ... life still goes on.  I am still denied, still hurts, but it's worth to love them still.  

- Un-friend vs. Love -