Rare occasions....

It's not a very usual appointment made on Thursday ... with a chartered accountant in Tawau. Simply because I need his help with the bundle of documents I received few months back. Why the sudden? Well, simply because I have the hope that we will settle this matter outside the court without dragging in to the Court trial in October. However, due to some reason, which I think I can only blame my opponent for it, I HAVE to proceed this case. Hence, I have to set aside all my other cases and come to Tawau this morning to see a chartered accountant. He is nice enough to go through every detaisl with me and has also agreed to assist me if I need his help. Well, what can I say? I really thank God for him....

Well, of course, I am worry now that, he won't be around if the court postpone this case again. Including him, I have a total of 4 witnesses and I am now thinking of some tactics not to get my opponent to win this case. Did I become more canning compare when I first conducted trial? Well, I guess I am....

My heart has never feel peace ever since I fixed the appointment to see him today. I am sure it has nothing to do with him... but.. of the schedules and stuffs that I need to handle... well, to put it right.. my parents is not around in Tawau. Meaning.... first, I have to get myself down from the airport by taxi..., then, I won't know what time I will finish with the accountant and what I should do after that... well, a little prayer was made this morning before the flight take off... truely, God is faithful... everything went so smoothly ... that I manage to chit chat with my friends in church during their lunch time...(of course everyone asked the same questions: "why are you back when your parents are away?") and went for lunch with a friend, then, went to the Court to get some documents, and serve that document to the relevant party, then met up with my cousin and her husband who came back from Hong Kong to see her dad who just had a surgery... then now, manage to get into the house, took my shower... and waiting for someone to pick me up to send me to airport... (thanks to MAS who always delay their flights ... )

I guess... compare to my dear car, little blue who has been waiting for me at the airport at Kota Kinabalu, ... I am better. hehehehe...

- rare occasions -

Lawyer or Liar?

Many said all lawyers are liar... well, I am not sure if that is true.. but I can tell you, I am 'bluffing' through this submission. Even my boss has commented to my client 10 minutes ago that, he is impressed with my work and I told him earlier on, after the trial that due to the mistake my witnesses did, I have nothing to write about.. and yet, I have given him a piece of work with 15 pages today ... I guess he is convinced that, I am a "bluffer"...

Well, ... am I proud to be able to bluff? Errrr... I don't think I have the sense of satisfaction... but instead... GUILT! hahahaha..

- lawyer or liar? -

Signs of aging...

First.... it's the memory loss that I encounter for the past 1 year.. which has gone serious each day... and so, it gave me a shock when I realise I have missed a court day.

Secondly... I realised I have problem with my glasses recently and so, I went for eyes test (twice) today... and I realised that, the power has decreased.

Thirdly, ... my white hair is growing so fast that I think I need to do something about it soon...

Oh no... I am getting OLD!!!

- signs of aging -

Is there more to life than this?

I was pondering over this phrase for a few weeks now... and everywhere I go, this phrase seems to be 'speaking' to me... well, glad that I wasn't in the Diocesan Young Adult Camp at Awana Genting, otherwise, I am sure I will be hearing that phrase over and over and over again....

Well, first, it's the Alpha training that this phrase seems to be the tactline for Alpha... and by hearing it the first time 2 weeks ago, I did ponder over it for a little while... as to trying to reflect it upon my own life. Well, sad to say, (i guess everybody knows by now) that I don't really like my life ever since young. I just hate myself so much that I don't really like myself... and of course the difficult part of it is that... I somehow born in a family where EVERYBODY in Tawau would have the chance to know who am I. Well, so much so that I don't like myself... God somehow play a joke with me, huh? Well... at least He tried very hard to first get me to know Him... and later tried His very best to laid a very good foundation on me ... by His own words alone... and later, has tried very hard to teach me lessons by lessons... well, I guess, that doesn't change my thoughts to have wanted to go to Him faster than anyone else. Yes... sad to say, I have nothing, nothing in particular that I will miss the World...

ALL OF MY LIFE, I have dislike my life... and the life that I am going through... Hard at it is.. people thought I am just strong and independent and that's the impression I give everybody at least... well... I wonder now, is there more to life than this? ALL THESE?

ALL OF MY LIFE, I have always been an unhappy child... not knowing the reason why. My parents thought I grow up feeling unhappy every single day too... and that my dad started to try his very best to make sure I become a little bit more happy one day... so, he bought me this reminder to put on the table.. says: ".. have joy everyday". Hmm... I guess, I am just an unhappy child... huh?

ALL OF MY LIFE, I have never know what I like to do and not to do. When people said, let's go for squash, I go for squash. When people said, we go to camp, I go to camp. People said, let's go to church, I too, go to church... I just basically a soul and body that follows everybody's instruction. What will make me happy? Do I like ice-cream or chocolate more? Do I really like lego or is it because my brother likes it and so I like it? Do I really like law? Do I really like blue? Do I really hate shopping? Do I really like to watch TV? I have learned drawing for 9 years and I have possessed a skill, to many, well done... but do I really like to draw? How about playing piano? I started to play the piano since I was 5... Do I like it? I HAVE NO IDEA!!!!

ALL OF MY LIFE, I have been going to church.... and too, I became a leader of a fellowship since the age of 12 and since then, I never stop serving as a cell leader/supervisor... and I too joined the children choir when i was at the age of 8 and I start singing since then.. went through all the courses and trainings until the age of 18. Is that all I have in life?

I happen to following the youth to Doulos for a sessions. No. Not that I didn't feel ashame to be with them... but I just want to get out from MYSELF and be with the youth to find out ... if I have missed out something during my youth time... hahaha... obviously NO. hahaha... well, somehow, the phrase "Is there more to life than this?" has again stands out the whole night.. and it keeps me ponder again... so, Pei San... is there more to life than being a Lawyer? Is there more to life than being a bass guitarist? Is there more to life than being so and so's daughter and sister? Is there more to life than earning money? Is there more to life than becoming a cell leader? What's that I am lack of and thirst for?

I guess... I really do not want to be 'slaves' anymore... Well, only if the door is to open.. then I will Jump over... I promise... I guess that's what I really like... "Mission"!

- is there more to life than this? -

Just when...

Just when I thought I will have a good break and rest on the long weekend... all I got was restless and sleepless nights... I bought a pillow cost about RM145 thinking that it will work, but NO... it gave pain to my back and neck and I just have to wake up in the middle of the night and change to another pillow... well, thank God I have 4 different pillows in my room which is just within my grab... but as many of you know me, I won't be able to wake up once I was woken up.

The other nights... or rather MORNING.., I was woken up by this noisy 'elephant legs and hands' upstairs.... No wonder why my 'lovely' neighbour has to move something in the middle of the nights or in the morning again. Perhaps, she has this habits to keep changing her room deco. every 5 hours? Well.... lets not blame her or anyone... it's probably just me... who cannot be satisfied to be at home resting... like CL said, "qian miang". With that phrase, I am reminded that, things will be better when I have works to do... and yes... it's working day today...

- just when ... -

Fact!!

Fact is.... no one really has the responsibility over me... so, yes... like what my Zimbabwe's friend always said, "life goes on.. have a excited on"... I just suddenly feel so ... 'quiet' around and feeling 'scary'... too lonely huh? Ya.... so, the 'noise' has gone... forever I believe... [will be alright getting back to the 'Original']

- Fact! -

I think...

I think... After a few days of 'stonening'... I think I really don't really like myself and the 'current' me... Is there a 'skip' card that I can use?

- I think -

Professions v. Missionary

Just when my thought ponder over the subject title herein.... this came to mind:

"Anyone can become a lawyer, but not everyone can be a missionary."

What do you think?

- professions v. Missionary -

Is it time?

I guess... I have been trying very hard and very hard and very hard.... in my work, to make sure that I am doing a good work and feel satisfied with it. No doubt, I did feel satisfied in certain point, but most of the time, somehow, I did a very bad job in my work. Yes. I feel dissatisfied with my work performance lately. No matter how hard I tried, I never get to a point where I will feel satisfied. Some people tells me even if work is terrible sometimes, but if we receive good income, it's still bearable... well, I must agree that... as income can balance up the 'minus' issues at work. In my situation, things would be a bit different as I didn't get both. I hate it most when my client refuses to pay or rather give lots of excuses of not to pay me at the prescribed time...

In addition to that, I gets difficult clients and I just hate them when they shown disrespect towards me, not listening to me, and later blame me for mistake they made and ask me to solve their so called 'mistake'. Well...

I just hate my job lately... put it this way... hate it so much so that I sometimes, refuse to even come to work.

Well... a friend told me, may be it's time to think and pray ... may be something that you really like to do and it's not law professions... May be she is right... since I give myself 5 years in practice.... and never has pledged to be in this professions for the rest of my life. Is it time?

- Is it time? -

That's how it happen...

I always wonder how lawyers can forget about attending Court if they have put down the date properly in their diary. Well, of course I stop wondering years ago when it ALMOST happen to me when my firm's court clerk has failed to put one of the date correctly in the MAIN diary. Today, however... I experienced it myself.... I was asking my partner if my client (who happens to be her dad's friend) has ever contacted her about paying my fees which I billed since June 2009. She replied said she did and she also explained to the client about possible cost needed if we bring the matter to the High Court. The conversation went to she heard that our Summary Judgment was being dismissed and when she mentioned that, my mind suddenly remember the rulling date was some time in September. I open the file, checked my last record of Court Attendance and there, I found... the rulling date was 4th September 2009, almost.. 2 weeks ago. I couldn't even remember what kept me so occupied then that I totally forgot about attending court on the 4th September 2009. I remember talking to my partner about it one or two days before the hearing date and I can forgot completely about it until TODAY?

It amazed me... I mean... my mind... or rather.. memory... Now.... I have to find out what happen on the 4th. Did the Judge delivered the judgment without my presence or did she thrown out my case? I hope she didn't thrown out my case....

Who is at fault on all these? ME of course... for not entering the date into my itouch/phone (my diary). ARRRRRGGGGG.... !!!! I am now reminded... to put every single date on my diary... now, I am checking every files now...

Meanwhile, I am trying to get the court interpreter to ask her what happen on the 4th. My opponent... of course she is trying to be nasty in it. Not that she didnt' inform me, she is waiting for me to forget about the case and so that I will miss out the appeal date. How nasty... !!!!

Well...

Yiks...

- that's how it happen -

Yet, another challenge...

No matter how much I dislike being challenge... somehow, I feel challenged again. Trust me, this is the first time I feel like I don't want to care anymore even though it's a challenge relates to life and death.

After sharing this with a friend, he of course 'challenge' me again saying... do it. Seriously... my heart is willing but i think emotionally and physically, I don't think I can... so much so, I think due to the tiredness of my emotions and physics.... I am attack by the one... the evil one... !!!! Interesting... it's so good that I didn't notice it and it's tactics for the past few weeks until now...

Nope. Not that it uses the 'energy' tactic, but also using the 'God's people's' tactic.... I feel so discouraged by my own church in all my serving..............

I guess the challenge now is... whether I will be able to stand up firm and continue to finish this 'fight'....

- yet, another challenge -

Challenge....

I cannot remember when was it .... that I started to feel .... 'weak' when it comes to challenge given to me.......... when was it that I was being 'defeated'? Hmm... I wonder if it is the problem with the case, with the client, myself or all of the above. ... May be it's all of the above. I just hate this case that's set for trial tomorrow... it's suppoes to be in March 2009 but the case was dragged on all the way to September. I couldn't resist but to ask for another deposit from client and the client asked me what is that for. Well, I told him, to asked us for extra hours and works, unncessarily, we charge MORE. I guess his secretary doesn't understand what I meant when I told her it's just deposit... not the exact amount YET. I must tell her the fact that just the disbursement incurred since March 2009, it's amounted to RM3,000.00. If thing goes well, I think there will be another 1 or 2 times to the Court after tomorrow.

This deposit... should reminded him that we are not his worker... he needs to pay us when he asked for meeting and so on.... not only one lawyer involved especially... sometimes, 2.

Well... I hope tomorrow goes well seriously... and guess what? the most ridiculous thing is... I am terrified to question by client more than the opponent's witnesses. Can you believe that? Pray for me, would you. If I can finish by 11am, I can go home by 12pm... otherwise, I will have to stuck there in Labuan until 8pm. I don't mind if I am there with my cousin... but no.. not with client........

- challenge -

The Price...

The price of being too close to some friends will cause you: -

(a) being treated without respect;

(b) being scolded and/or shouted without understand why only they can shout at you but not the other way round;

(c) being hit and when you asked them to stop, they refuses;

(d) insensitive to your emotions status;

(e) being disregarded;

(f) not being respected, i.e. they just ask you to follow their plans without asking you if you want to;

(g) etc. etc. etc.

I was not very happy with things in life for the past 2 weeks and last week, I was completely down with bad mood... and unhappiness... the only way to ease my pain was to watch TV... thanks to TVB which has their 4 final episods of one of the series in 2 days and as I missed some of the previous episods, I just starred at the TV for hours and hours and hours...., firstly, hoping that it will make me tired and I can go to bed... secondly, hoping that my brain will stop thinking of things I do not want to think about for a while.... none... none of those 2 things works... I ended up having sleepless nights still.....

Well? In addition to that, I was seriously drained out completely on weekend with all the church programmes and all and with people whom I don't feel like going out with... ghoosh.. I am even more down yesterday and today.... hahahahaha...

Time to deal with it? Yeah.. why not? If I am capable of, I would have done so long long time ago. Self pity? Well... up to you to define... I just need a peace of mind for a little while............but is this possible to happen this week? I don't think so...... as this week is super pack.

The price of being too 'joyous' and/or too 'it's ok mood'... caused me to lose myself for few weeks...

- the price -

Dream!

I remember stepped into a ship full of books the first time when I was very young... I think about 5 years old. Not to Doulos, but Logos. Yes, you got me right, it's the LOGOS, not Logos II. Dad and mom gave us the freedom to choose whatever books we want and we just grab what we feel like having (we still have it until today... but mostly, given to my nephew and niece now). That was the first memory I have with ship full of books... (Tawau has not much resources of books then).

Of course, Logos serves on other places after that and Doulos is serving around Asia and so, instead of Logos and Logos II, I visited Doulos a couple of times before today. If my memory serves me well, I visited Doulos at least 3 times since I came back from England.

I remember when I was in my teen, I was so impressed by the way they share gospel and how they serves people through their services and sharing every places they stopped at. My dream, was to be able to serve on the ship for at least 6 months. I think since then, God has placed 'evangelism' in my heart.. yes... it's through Logos and Doulos that this 'dream' was created.

Now that Doulos is finishing it's seaworthiness... my dream somehow still stays... in fact, I am reminded... of the 'calling' I have through and from it.

Is this a dream that I cannot never fulfill? Will it be Doulos II? I really pray this ministry will continue.... are you?

p/s picture taken from http://www.mvdoulos.org/

- Dream! -