Is there more to life than this?

I was pondering over this phrase for a few weeks now... and everywhere I go, this phrase seems to be 'speaking' to me... well, glad that I wasn't in the Diocesan Young Adult Camp at Awana Genting, otherwise, I am sure I will be hearing that phrase over and over and over again....

Well, first, it's the Alpha training that this phrase seems to be the tactline for Alpha... and by hearing it the first time 2 weeks ago, I did ponder over it for a little while... as to trying to reflect it upon my own life. Well, sad to say, (i guess everybody knows by now) that I don't really like my life ever since young. I just hate myself so much that I don't really like myself... and of course the difficult part of it is that... I somehow born in a family where EVERYBODY in Tawau would have the chance to know who am I. Well, so much so that I don't like myself... God somehow play a joke with me, huh? Well... at least He tried very hard to first get me to know Him... and later tried His very best to laid a very good foundation on me ... by His own words alone... and later, has tried very hard to teach me lessons by lessons... well, I guess, that doesn't change my thoughts to have wanted to go to Him faster than anyone else. Yes... sad to say, I have nothing, nothing in particular that I will miss the World...

ALL OF MY LIFE, I have dislike my life... and the life that I am going through... Hard at it is.. people thought I am just strong and independent and that's the impression I give everybody at least... well... I wonder now, is there more to life than this? ALL THESE?

ALL OF MY LIFE, I have always been an unhappy child... not knowing the reason why. My parents thought I grow up feeling unhappy every single day too... and that my dad started to try his very best to make sure I become a little bit more happy one day... so, he bought me this reminder to put on the table.. says: ".. have joy everyday". Hmm... I guess, I am just an unhappy child... huh?

ALL OF MY LIFE, I have never know what I like to do and not to do. When people said, let's go for squash, I go for squash. When people said, we go to camp, I go to camp. People said, let's go to church, I too, go to church... I just basically a soul and body that follows everybody's instruction. What will make me happy? Do I like ice-cream or chocolate more? Do I really like lego or is it because my brother likes it and so I like it? Do I really like law? Do I really like blue? Do I really hate shopping? Do I really like to watch TV? I have learned drawing for 9 years and I have possessed a skill, to many, well done... but do I really like to draw? How about playing piano? I started to play the piano since I was 5... Do I like it? I HAVE NO IDEA!!!!

ALL OF MY LIFE, I have been going to church.... and too, I became a leader of a fellowship since the age of 12 and since then, I never stop serving as a cell leader/supervisor... and I too joined the children choir when i was at the age of 8 and I start singing since then.. went through all the courses and trainings until the age of 18. Is that all I have in life?

I happen to following the youth to Doulos for a sessions. No. Not that I didn't feel ashame to be with them... but I just want to get out from MYSELF and be with the youth to find out ... if I have missed out something during my youth time... hahaha... obviously NO. hahaha... well, somehow, the phrase "Is there more to life than this?" has again stands out the whole night.. and it keeps me ponder again... so, Pei San... is there more to life than being a Lawyer? Is there more to life than being a bass guitarist? Is there more to life than being so and so's daughter and sister? Is there more to life than earning money? Is there more to life than becoming a cell leader? What's that I am lack of and thirst for?

I guess... I really do not want to be 'slaves' anymore... Well, only if the door is to open.. then I will Jump over... I promise... I guess that's what I really like... "Mission"!

- is there more to life than this? -