Better to be known or not to be ?

It was a question I discussed when I was in England. The question of whether it is better if we are known by our family, i.e. someone's daughter, someone's sister or whether be in a family where no one knows us. This quesiton popped up in my mind because I noticed that we all came from a different family backgrounds and that has determined out life journey somehow, whether we like it or not. I personally, do not like to be know as someone's daughter or someone's sister. However, my parents are known to a lot of people at my town because they were teachers and they have teached many people. Everyone knows me because of them. No one knows my name. They only knows me by my face because they will regard me as So and So's daughter. I always feel that being someone's daughter or someone's sister is such a pressure and burden. To me, honestly it is. In addition to that, my town is a smal town and hence, I can never do something 'weird'. I have to be responsible for everything I do. So, I have to watch what I do, what and how I speak, how and what I should wear, etc. etc. I was at many times during my younger days, I almost cannot stand. I hate being at home and I would rather go out with friends, avoiding social functions and so on. So, it was a total relif when I left home. The most freedom I ever had was during my time in England. Not to say I do 'weird' things, but I just feel 'Free'. I guess I miss those feelings every single moment of my life... since the day I left England. In England, people knows me of who I am.... by my name... and that kind of feeling is just so different.

This morning, I walked in the church ... feeling good as although this is a small church, but no one knows me and not only that, I just feel so good to be able to come to church service this morning. As I walked in, I saw someone familiar and he was looking at me and yes... I recognise him, one of the church member back home. Without any delay, I walked to him and shook his hand. The first thing he asked was, "Are you not So and So's daughter?" I have no choice but to say, "Yes I am". Well, ... the feeling is really not very 'sweat'. I hate to be recognised like that. I would rather being recognised as who I am. After the encounter, I left to get myself ready to worship the Lord. As I was standing in front of the stage, this question came across my mind... as to whether it is better to be known as So and So's daughter at this point. That church member, honestly is someone that can give me works and business. I failed to pass him my business card because I felt so bad when he asked me if I am So and So's daughter. I could have continue with telling him that I have my own business now and may be he can consider passing files to me, etc.

As my mind wander into that point... i realise that not only him that I put off my chances to get files. I have really failed to approach people that know me as "So and So's daughter" and "So and So's sister". So, ... is it better to be known as myself or by other means?

- Who Am I? -

Time Flies...

My partner reminded me that I am going back HOME again next week. I was shock when she said that because it never occur in my mind that it is NEXT WEEK. I look at the calender and it really shocks me that time flies without me noticing it. Yes, I am going back home to visit my parents again next week. When I thought of that, I started to realise that I have been in Kota Kinabalu for almost 3 months now. When my mind reached this point, I started to realise one thing, that my deposit with my previous house is still not fully paid yet. I am suprise... and shock. 3 months....and it might take longer than that. I don't know how I survives. But... God blessed me amazingly these few months. As for my previous firm that promised me that they will refund me when they hire a new lawyer, and that's didn't happen also. One month without salary, put up expenses for office and my place to stay, shipping my car and belonging, etc. etc. It was really a nightmare to me and I thought I couldn't get through with it. The good thing is, friends told me that they will be with me when I go through these. A few faithful friends can easily come out with money if I do need some. That has reminded me that if my friends also won't leave me, I am sure God won't either. True enough, God never did. I didn't even need helps from my friends so far.

I was talking to a friend yesterday and she reminds me that I really been through a lot for the past few months. Well, I did. But I went through it with God.

So, I am still waiting for those money to come back to me... and meanwhile, pray that I have more business.

- prayer -

Found...

I left office about 15 minutes earlier just to try if I can get sugar from one of this supermarket near my office. I trusted that I will be getting it from this supermarket because my clerk told me there are a lot there (2 to 3 weeks ago). When I reached the supermarket, I start my searching and while I was searching, this uncle asked around of whereabout the sugar is. I told him I am also searching for it. We were then told of the location of the sugar. We went together and ... guess what? ... only one pack of sugar left. With no hesitation, he picked it up and look at me guiltily. I was alright with it because I am sure I am not as desperate as he is. At least I still have about 1/4 of sugar left in my container. When he left with that one pack of sugar, he did asked around if there is any left. A person, I guess he is a supervisor of the supermarket came to me and I asked him if there is anymore sugar left. He said he will check. He took 10 minutes to came back to where the sugar is suppose to placed. He open a big pack and asked me how many packs I want. It is limited to 2kg per person, so I took 2kg and left. I guess it is the system that they are using - maximum of 2kg per person that makes sugar is still available in that supermarket.

So, yes... coffee is resume since this morning... it's lovely...

- found -

Heartache.....

Goodness me... it was 2 days ago that I noticed I forgot to pay for some parking tickets issued to me. Some, I guess is overdue... and I started to freak out. I decided to pay it before I came to work and guess what? It cost me about RM16.23 to pay all of it. It is a serious act of negligence I committed. A good lesson to remember. I have calculated, it is because of this, I have lost a week of fresh food. OH NO....!!!! The funniest thing is that, the personnel told me that I can choose either to pay or not to pay. I stare at her with this 'shocking' look asking myself "I do have an option? Why is that so?" Then before I said anything, she told me that she is going to give me 'DISCOUNT'. I am really shock. I am now thinking ... what if I do not pay? I am sure the JPJ or the relevant authority won't send me a summon. If JPJ doesn't allow me to drive, they will be at cost because they might lose me paying them taxes and so on. But being a good citizen of Malaysia, being the officer of the court and the most importantly, the child of God, I have chosen the step to pay them and suffer with no fresh food for a week.

Trust me, there are moment and occasions where even thought we have money, we can't get what we need and want. Do not get me wrong. I am not talking about LOVE. hahaha... I went across supermarkets, mini markets, convenient stores, 7 eleven, kedai runjit, pemborong in the whole Kota Kinabalu and I failed to get myself 1kg of sugar. I heard about the lacking of sugar about 2 months ago, but I did not have any problem getting one then, so I thought we do not have that problem in Sabah. Obviously I had made a mistake. I should have bought 2 packages then. Not that I ran out of sugar, but I am RUNNING out of sugar... what's in the market now is all brown sugar. Knowledge told me brown sugar in fact is better and healthier than white sugar. But my taste sense told me I like white sugar bettter. There's this one shop near where I am staying said I might be able to get some this week. So, I guess i will wait for a little more while. Otherwise, I will get some brown sugar instead. I told my parents about that and to my suprise, my mom still have 2 to 3 kg of sugar standing by. That's my mom. She always have extra stock at home for EVERYTHING except fresh food. That's something I do need to learn from her.

So yes... I met a few friends for the past few days and most of them said I gained weight. Well, I disagree with them. I think I am gaining FAT instead of WEIGHT. If you know what I mean... Mom said it's all because I eat my own cooking and that's the reason why. hahaha... well, no complain. I suffer less stress and eat healthily... I guess those are the main cause of my 'fatness'.

I play bass guitar for my church last Sunday. I felt so...'belonging' and I felt good about it. To be able to praise and worship God with guitar/ bass guitar is really something so great, don't you think so?

- update -

Blessing...!!

God is truely a God of blessing. He has blessed me with friends who cares. A friend invited me to give a seminar on Will-writing yesterday evening. Therefore, I gave a seminar to abou 40 people yesterday. It was a great evening. During the meeting, many have came to know more about Will, the important of making a Will, who can make a Will, when should we make a Will and why should we make a Will. A lot of them are not very familiar or confidence about making Will. Hence, during the Q & A sessions, we had a really good time, enjoying, laughing and explaining. After the seminar, I managed to speak to a few of them about other legal matters. This morning just before I came back to KK, a few of them also met me and discussed with me some other issues they face.

In view of the above, I am quite sure that I am getting closer to this town's community. They have started to acknowledge my existence and they started to trust me and my services. Which also means, I am opening business opportunity in that place.

I really thank God for friends who invited me for that special talk and gathering. God has indeed blessed me well.

************************

A few friends has just approached me and told me that, they are now considering of entering another chapter of life, doing something MORE for the Lord. Honestly, since last week, this issue has been in my mind ever since. Well, .... not that it just strikes my mind. Going mission is what God called me for, except I am not sure when I should go. I was asking God of the time to go because I am not any younger any more. I want to go now, but it seems like God doesn't want me to go now. He want me to be more equipped and I guess He has a special plan for me. But those friends of mine who told me recently, they have this strong feeling of going for it now, which I think, God has really called them to act NOW.

So, God... tell me when I should go....

- praying -

A gathering!!!

It is always glad to be able to meet with friends/old friends. Well, I met someone for dinner yesterday. Not that he is an old friend of mine, but he is just someone who made an impact in my life about 4 years ago. I can still remember it well. I still remember he challenged me to do swimming because of my lung diseases. He is such an encouragment to me. During the dinner, he managed to share a bit of his mission in Madagascar. Trust me, his sharing in some point, has touched my heart so deeply that I wanted to make him as my example. He has used 1 day to decide whether to serve God in this place. He used 1 day to leave behind him all that he possessed. He said he just bought a car, had a good team who serve faithfull in his church, life is so good that he thought he will retired in this country, Mauritius. All of us who heard that he only used one day said, he is a man of action. He admitted that he decide fast, act fast and he will die fast too. Well, at that very moment, my reaction is "I want do be like him" because my wishes is to die fast. hahaha......... just joking!!! In my mind, even if I die fast because I responded fast to His calling, it is worthy. To be honest, I really 'puzzled' by my own thinking and ponder over his sharing.

It does bother me until now of what he has shared. He is really a man of God. I asked a friend who visited him before and noted that the condition in his mission field is indeed a tough one. He also shared to us that he struggling with life there but later added that, he has joy serving the people because according to him, mission is about the people and not about the condition or what type of situation or people. Mission is all about people and serving them, sharing gospel to them, etc.

God has indeed sent someone to gave me some idea about mission works. I am now trying to get myself prepare for a mission. So, while I am pondering about all these, God, help me to prepare myself for your works.

- prayer -

Weird

I had a weird feeling yesterday when I woke up. That same feeling followed me to church and when I entered, I just felt that I want to go in 'full time ministry'. It is a sense of 'belonging' and 'warmness' that I had. My heart were struggling and I just feel like doing more for the Lord. After the Holy Communion, we have a preacher from Australia to share to us and he preached about 'The Missionary of God'. It is so real that ... all over a sudden... I am over by all these 'calling', 'go for mission', 'preach and share His words', etc. etc... Besides all these words flashing in my mind, I was also 'attack' by all these photos, memories, scenes and others about my mission to Mauritius years ago. My heart somehow is 'thirst' for going mission. It is scary...

Upon reaching home, I started to watch some TV programmes and when my heart was just 'calming down', I received an SMS from China. A friend SMS me from China, talking a bit of her ministries, etc. That was SHOCKING...

The following whole day, I just couldn't sit myself down to do anything. I finally did a bit of the Girls Brigade documentations and that's it. This 'MISSION' is all over my head.. till now.

This morning, I was woke up by a call. From my pastor. He said Bishop Roger, the Bishop of Madagascar wanted to speak to me on phone. I was shock. What? I was reminded on them yesterday and now he called me? I was really truely very shock.... And now, we are planning to come out for a meal tomorrow evening after his visit to Kundasan.

God is certainly calling me, isn't He? I am not sure myself. Do join me in prayer...

-STRANGE, JUST STRANGE -

God is faithful!!!

I was worried about not having any solid income since the beginning of this month. Hence, I put a message in my MSN : Praying for business!!! A few days ago, a 'rare-talking online' friend saw my message and she started to talk to me and reminded me that I should pray. I was praying and I am still praying, but when she said that, she also 'prayed' a prayer through MSN. Honestly, I was touched because her prayer is really a 'solid' prayer. She reminds me that God does listen to prayer. I cannot remember since when I 'unintentionally' forgot that God is a faithful God and He does listen to prayer. Then I realise that for the prayers I was praying, it seems like I did not really believe that God will listen and will provide. I repent after my dear friend prayed for me.

A day after the prayer, it was the incident about the modem and router that I mentioned earlier on and that has also reminded me that I have turned my heart towards other area. My focus was moved. I am not a good testamony. I am such a failure that day.

Yesterday morning, I took some time to pray and to read the bible. I found myself getting further away from the Lord. I am not sure if I am still not used to this city, church and works. But I do realise that I am drawing further and further from God. I repented and I promised to God that I will improve myself. I will change.

Yesterday itself, God shown me and reminded me that He is faithful and He does listens to prayer. I have a few walk in clients and we also manage to collect some fees. Althought it is not a big amount, but it proves that God does listen to prayer.

Last night, I went to this spirit breakthrough seminar in church. I was again reminded that, to be able to be used by God as His servant, I need to changed and the only thing that I need to do is to pray.

So, Lord, thank you for being faithful to me. Therefore, help me change to a better person so that I can glorify you in my daily life, my business, my works, my ministries and everything else.

- God listens to prayer -

Bad mood...

It was a bad day yesterday. A day before yesterday, I was trying so hard to sort out the router that I purchased from the PC fair. To ask someone (expert) to do all these work, I will need to pay him/her a few hundred. I know I can do it but I might need longer time than an expert. So, I didn't want to spend so much time and hence, I work on it since morning. While I was half way doing the configuration, clients came in to the office and it is around 12pm. But my partner is still not in. Do not ask me her whereabout, I do not know. I called her and she only told me she will be in later on. I have no choice but to attend to the clients myself. After I am done with it, I went back and continue with the configuration again. I have done with it before I left to meet another client again in town. I came back, found the connection turned out worse. I have no choice but to stay in my office and do it. At the end of the day, I found out that it is quite impossible not to have IP address detected. So, I went to where the modem and router is and I start looking at it and low and behold, I found that the line between the modem and router is plug off. I spent hours trying to sort all these out and someone plugged it off? .... I didn't made any sound, I did my last bit, and went home after I am done with it.

The next day I came back, someone told me the internet is not running because of my router. And the main reason is because someone actually plugged it off again and plug in with some other thing and also complained to me saying that my rounter is the cause. By the way, by the time I walked in, I already saw the router has already been disconnected from the modem and it is placed on a table. Shocking and ... angrily... I just speechless until this clerk came to me and insisted that it is my router's problem and I shouldn't plug it in where the line should be, etc. etc. I can't stand at that very moment and I scolded her for plugging off it without even consulting me or asking the reason for it. I angrily set everything on and left the place.

A few moment later, my partner came in and said I shouldn't said harshly to the clerk because she did not know anything about router and modem. I just told her, I was just furious because I spent the whole day doing all these setting and trying to meet clients , etc and I haven't came to a point of asking her where her whereabout and is she at any help. My partner only shown me of her non-appreciation and honestly, that is enough to made me furious. By the way, it is 1pm now and she is still not in. And I just received bad news ... that 2 of our big cases is not moving on. Now, I am really in bad mood.

Of course, I did apologise to the clerk later for my sudden anger.

A friend, a good friend reminded me that I should be very careful of my reaction and words. This friend of mine knew me for a number of years and she knew that I can easily hurt others or offended others because of my emotions. I admitted to it ... and I spent the rest of my day to repent in front of God and asking God to help me to change to a better person. So, you have my promise... that I will not shout at anyone easily.

- bad mood -

Experiences...

Many of my previous blog were entitled 'Experiences' but today, I really want to use it again because it is an honour to be able to welcome a V.I.P in the airport. On last Friday, we received a circular from the Sabah Law Association asking us to be attend a welcoming session in the airport. Well, it is the Chief Judges visit to Sabah. I thought everyone should be there and therefore, I went with my partner. Not something bad either as I get to meet all the S.A.R (Senior Assistant Registrar), T.P (Timbalan Pendaftar), Judges, AG (Attorney General), Sabah law Association's president and so on. It is indeed a good experience.

Well, well, well, the possibility of me being published in the newspaper when I shook hand with the Chief Judges is high. I shall update you all again tomorrow. But since I am not that pretty, I might not.. hahaha....

- good experience -

Prayer ...

I joined the 40 days fast and prayer which started on 22.07.2006. However, I did not manage to do it for the past 2 days. It is all because I have to meet clients for meals. So, instead of breaking fast at 12:00pm, I broke fast at 10:30am. But the most important thing is not that I fast or not. Although I do pray everyday, but I failed to pray at least one hour during the fasting.

I placed a notice in my MSN that I am praying for business. As business is coming in these few days, I was reminded that God does listen to even a little prayer like this. In fact, God answered me a few of my prayers for the past few weeks. So, I am again committing myself to this FAST and PRAYER again.

First thing first, I need to pray for 2 of my friends who are going to China for mission for a week starting today.

- Prayer -

Blessing...

Yes... indeed, I was blessed so much these few days. I am blessed with friends who introduced me with a District Officer who is so willing to introduce some developers to me and my partner. I am blessed even with income, even though it is still not even able to cover my expenses. I am blessed with also friends who remember me when they visited this city, Kota Kinabalu. I am blessed with walk in customers who gave me a few cases. Although my income is little, but I can feel that God is blessing me...

I am not sure what are you facing at this moment of life, but I am quite sure that God is blessing you. So, don't be upset, don't worry, don't plan too detailed and don't forget to enjoy His blessing.

- blessing -

Amazing ....

On our way to Beaufort on Sunday, we tried to contact a pastor in church so that she can pay a visit to the hospital and share the gospel to my friend's father in law. I didn't join them in prayer the next day (yesterday) as I was at work. However, we met for dinner last night at 5:30pm... with a Reverend. The first phrase my friend told me when she came in the car was, "amazing... not only my father in law accepted Christ, but the whole family did except the eldest brother and all of them reconcile with each other and they cried together. God's love is really amazing...". Well, not that my friend doesn't know that God's love is amazing (she is a missionary by the way), but I understand what she meant. For many years, I have heard her and her husband said the same thing over and over again. Her husband always said, it is quite impossible that his father will believe in Christ because of his characters. As my friend's father in law made mistakes and the whole family were not happy about him, they hated each other very deeply for many many years. But yesterday... after a short prayer, all fo them reconciled and everyone cried and forgive each others deeply. That's why my friend said, it is amazing.

I had a meeting last night. But I left earlier because I do want to join all of them for a gathering and fellowship, singing and rejoicing in the hospital last night. On that evening itself, I saw another person accepted Christ and not only that... I can see how much God loves is... Love that is able to forgive, love that is able to accept and the love that is able to love each others again. My friend's father in law is now undergoing a surgery. We are praying for him... but I do believe, if he didn't make it, he is also happy and satisfied because he has the Lord.

- amazing -