First Time in 2011

1.            First time, I was feeling so depressed to a point I want to kill myself and think there’s no hope in   this world for me (first time I have attempted suicide).

2.            First time, I have not attended church for more than 2 times in a year.

3.            First time, I am denied by church and friends.

4.            First time, I am not serving God in His church.

5.            First time, I have lost close friends in my life.

6.            First time, I have owned a condominium that’s fully under my name.

7.            First time, I have owned my own Law firm.

8.            First time, I have taken a plane for more than 80 times in a year.

9.            First time, my account is overdrawn – bankrupt.

10.          First time, I was not working for 6 months and yet still survive with abundant blessing.

11.          First time, I visited mainland China (first time I got my China Visa).

12.          First time, I visited Australia (Perth to be exact – first time I got an Australia visa).

13.          First time, I have lost my mind.

14.          First time, I played and own a Wii.

15.          First time, I played x-box (Kinect)

16.          First time, I feel anxious of losing my mind/ life.

17.          First time, I purchased a spectacles more than RM1,000.00

18.          First time, I purchased a camera that’s more than RM6,000.00

19.          First time, I have enjoyed such a wonderful wedding ceremony and dinner (Denise and Ray’s)

20.          First time, I refuse to be taken granted for by clients and friends in my life (refuse to give in)

21.          First time, to own a tablet – Asus Transformer.

22.          First time, I have hurt someone’s feeling so badly.

23.          First time, I feel lonely.

24.          First time, I enjoyed my Christmas so much.

25.          First time, I managed to push away toxic friends from my life.

26.          First time, I put a knife through my body and saw blood flowing out and feel good about it.

27.          First time, I asked for help and no one cares.

28.          First time, I enjoy being a lawyer.

29.          First time, I took advantage of others and not the other way round.

30.          First time, I feel good being evil and bad.

31.          First time, I was so anxious after being threaten.

32.          First time, I visited a Psychiatric clinic.

33.          First time, I didn’t achieve what I planned for this year and I managed to achieved more than what I planned. 

34.          First time, I am called as witness for a Civil litigation case.

35.          First time, I am subpoena. 

36.          First time, I am registered as a Trademark Agent.

37.          First time, I get queried by Lembaga Hasil Dalam Negeri over the Tax I submitted for the past 5 years. 

38.        First time, I don’t like being sick (previously, sickness to me is nothing because I am always weak and sick since baby)

39.          First time, I was so angry with what others did on me and yet I still love them heaps.

40.          First time, I feel useless, to people and to God.

41.          First time, I think for myself (being selfish) and not others first.

42.          First time, I do not feel regret of what I did, even though I hurt someone badly. 

43.          First time, I visited Pubs more than church.

44.          First time, I felt so hurt to the point I want to kill someone (a good feel of what provocation means).

45.          First time, I wanted to revenge.

46.          First time, I can’t communicate with my dad and get advice from him.

47.          First time, I think I made right choices in life.

48.          First time, I feel that all my non-Christian friends are much better than all my so called Christian “friends”. 

49.          First time, I am so discouraged by church and priests.

50.          First time, I can see how far my future can goes and can’t wait for it to come. 

51.          First time, I travelled by China Airlines.

52.          First time, I didn’t play squash for a year.

53.          First time, my mother apologizes to me.

54.          First time, I told my dad at least few times in a year that I love him.

55.          First time, I have cried for a year continuously.

56.          First time, my heart was broken so badly.

57.          First time, I was worried so much until I couldn’t sleep even with sleeping pills.

58.          First time, I purchased furniture from IKEA and shipped it back.

59.          First time, I have ipod shuffle (two).

60.          First time, I have a double bed. 

Merry Christmas!

No matter how you are going to celebrate christmas, no matter how much christmas mean to you, no matter where you are, what are you going through, just want to wish you have a wonderful and merry christmas! I want to also take this opportunity to ask you for your forgiveness over what I did for the past 1 year in your life, whatever that gave you pain and suffering.  I am sorry.  I am truly sorry for what I did!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Heard?

For a year now, people whom have left me asked and expect me to find new friends, but they have forgot that it's impossible because first, i do not want to end up telling my new friends what my old friends did to me.  Secondly, i do not want to end up damaging the church and the people.  Upon hearing so much of 'complains' from me from facebook, my children came to me together, secretly, out of concern, asked me what actually happen.  They confessed that they have tried all sources and yet, none of them manage to find out what happen exactly.  That's how unheard I am.  I have to protect my old friends, I have to protect CCL and the priest, I have to protect my brother, I have to protect the bishop(s), and I am the only one end up feeling hurt myself... for the past year.  No.  I am not saying my old friends are not suffering, I am not saying the church are not, ... but all I am saying is, they shouldn't blame that on me alone now and walked away like they didn't do anything wrong at all.  I am not saying I am blameless.  A friend asked me who has the problem, I told her straight to her face, "I am obviously.  I am sick".  Am I blaming everything to the sickness?  Seriously if you ask me, I do.  Ask around ... and you will find out how 'unusual' i am these days... I woke up everyday wonder where I am.  I woke up everyday wonder what day is today and is there anything i need settle.  I woke up everyday wonder who am I.  Is my father still alive? And for sure, for the first few hours, my memories can be lost by 70%, not knowing even who am I, etc.  

I am expecting more and more loss of memories when time goes by.  There are too many things that happen this year has been forgotten..  worse is, i cannot control my emotions.  Do you realised whenever you act on certain steps, it's your emotions that steps in first?  Well, ... that's exactly what's wrong and difficult for me... because my emotions has failed and therefore, I can assess if my rational is working fine too... 

Who am I?  I have lost myself for a year now.  I don't know exactly who am I? What's my identity, what's my character, what am I good at? All I got from others are 'disconnection', worthlessness, hopelessnes... and "I am sick" and I am always wrong.  

When the bible speaks about who am I, as... to there's only one Pei San, I can tell you.. I can tell God, He is such a failure to create me.  Because I am a loser. And a human can be so 'useless' once his/her mind is not intact anymore.  Friends, job, money, integrity, family... all gone within a minute once they know you are sick.  No one heard my side of the story until today.  Not that anyone want to find out.  All they know and heard of is the other side of the story... which they have deemed correct because the other person who is telling is not sick.  I am. Whatever I say, it will have no weight at all... just because I am sick. The most painful part is that, even the closest person around me see me the same way like everyone else did. 

- Heard? - 

Who are you to judge?

I was told my uncle passed away few days ago and due to the busy schedule, I only visited his family about an hour ago.  A long chat simply because they all know I am closely connected with the Anglican church ... I was asking about how's the funeral service arrangement going.. and my cousin told me the Anglican church has refuse to bury my uncle in their land, simply because he has not been in church for the past 10 years, after his wife passed away.  My first reaction was, where's the church when he was going through such a difficult time for the past 10 years of having needs to raise his own son alone and to bear with the loss, etc?  The second reaction was, when I was informed my uncle was admitted to hospital, I went with my brother and we knew Rev Yong together with a few pastors were on the way to pray for him, etc.  That's because for the past 1 1/2 years, he wasn't able to walk and so, he didn't go back to the church physically, but he asked the church to deliver him holy communion by home visitation every single week.  If he is not in a position to be entitle for a ground in the cemetery, who is, I wonder.  Has the church thought they are God now to judge? I mean, if he didn't repent and come back to the Lord by asking the church for holy communion, ... what was that he asked for? 

Of course I explained to the family that there were people taking the church for granted and that's why we need a 'check list'.  But when my cousin told me the priest at the Basel church agreed to help in the event the Anglican refuse to conduct the service, I was a bit pissed off.  What the hell is this? Yes, we know the soul is what we take serious of, but ... can't we be a little compassionate for the lost of a father to this cousin of mine? Where's the compassion that Jesus shown us? I remember reading all the 4 gospel which stressed on very much on the compassion of Jesus... and being filled by compassion, Jesus did certain things for the people... who are we really, ... because he was not being loved by many in the church and the society and that's why he is not entitle for a bury ground?  

So, because the lady whose head was not found in the car accident was entitled to had her funeral service in the church because she was baptised in the anglican church in England? If a certificate is sufficient, my dear uncle also has such a certificate to shown.  Or because the lady whose head was not found in the car accident had a father who is famous and rich and that's why he is entitle for a bury ground and not my uncle?  Or because his son is attending Glory Christian Centre and therefore he is not entitle a bury ground? i don't understand this.  

But who am I to judge right? Well, at least I am not judging them by who they are.  I still went and pay my last respect, even though we all doesn't like this uncle and his family a lot.  So what? Aren't we sinner too? Damn!

- Who are you to judge? - 

Hard

It's so hard.  When my mood was very down, all my workers/clerks got scolded.  Now, they can't stand my impatience... hahaha... sometimes that's what happen... we can never get what we want EXACTLY.  If you work under a boss, that's what you are subject yourself to.. to follow his/her pace of works... I can in one day finished 5 cases' drafting and being impatience with them not finishing their works and I ended up get their works done in minutes too.  I am also not very sure who is in a harder position to cope with whom... anyway... it's hard! 

- Hard - 

Lost it all!

What have I lost during the most difficult time in my life? Connection, Respect, worthiness... those are the main one I have lost.  And due to the disconnection... with church and friends and my dad.... it's like the whole world has fallen down.  Those were the pillar of my life... of course the main pillar behind is God, but when all these fell apart... I have lost it all... ! I can't walk around the town not to fear to meet people that has disconnected with me anymore.  I can't even stand in the church to feel humiliated and embarrassed at all time.  No more respect from others, doesn't feel worthy anymore... everyone seems me as a monster that walks around.  I can't face the challenge operating a law firm all by myself where the mouth of people keep talking, and no business coming in because everyone is saying they do not want a lawyer who is sick to represent them.  How to lives? I don't know.... The greatest mistake was, i told someone I trusted and my privacy was not honoured at all.  More so, they walked away from me after that... I seriously wonder if they really care or they just want me to die instantly... anyway, there you go... I have lost it all... they won!

- Lost it all! -

Educated

I have been hearing from many that they have no idea what depression is... and the information in the web is definately not enough for anyone to understand nor help anyone know really grab hold of what depression is. Many thocught depression is a sickness and with medication, the person will be who they were. This is so wrong... it's also stupid to tell the depress God is all they needs to focus on.  It's like you are asking someone who is insane not to hurt themselves. Why communicating with the depress most of the time you will feel so annoyed, so frustrated and so angry?  We forgot, depression or rather the chemical in the brain has affected the way depress think ... things that you said could means good, i.e.,the future is bright... or 'this will end', ' everything is going to be fine'.  But instead of getting what you really mean, it can bears no sense to the depress, regardless how many times tell them. Because future to them is only pains... When you said you care and love them but you didn't show them any evidence of what you said, it only means you are not taking it seriously, you do not respect them, you fool them, you lie, you 'play' with their trust and sincerity.
There are more of how you start a conversation, how can you help instead of not knowing what to respond and what to say that we all need to learn and to be educated by.
i have written some in my other blog and i dedicated to those who really want to learn and want to help those you really care.  Just this month, i have 2 friends who were diagnosed with depression, one killed herself by hanging. One wanted to kill her only son before she kills herself.  i happen to 'save' the both for now.... but i am sure, she still has that in mind...
One of the biggest challenge is, do not eve think of giving up bytelling the depressed you gave up on her. By saying that and responding to her will only means her only hope and future are gone and the next think you can expect is they will commit suicide without warning.
Think for a moment, if this is tough for you, what more for the depressed. They too wish they can snap it out.... immediately... but that's not possible.  That is why they need help, they need guidelines.... be patience to them because you once told them to do it step by step.  So don't rush them, don't expect they can grab what you told them instantly. Give them time to digest.  If they start scolding, it only means, they are 'thinking' of what you were saying and they are not angry about you, but themselves. So, don't take it personnaly... and walk off.... if you do, they will once again feeling thepains, the hurts and even give up because they thought you are punishing them, not loving them, ...that will only means, better be dead than enduring the unbearable pain.
-Educated-

Being positive?

Just wonder if this happen to everyone... since I am trying to find out about my own 'mood', the correct mood and non correct mood i mean... well, it seems like things get really bad and everything small becomes and issue to a point where there can be no return.  When things or mood are lifted up, somehow... life is such a beauty and you just don't want to give up life... and you have lots of ideas and you want to spend money just to get something you like.  Mood is something we can and cannot control, depending if the chemical in your brain is being 'playful'.  Well, I am not sure if any of you can understand what I am trying to tell you... things can be so positive when your mood is lifted up... and things can be so negative when your mood is so so low.  Oh well, I know most of you who are reading this will not understand fully what I am telling you because apart from me, I guess not many has ever experience the 'very low' mood phrase... or a 'very high' mood phrase.  Happy thoughts... a friend suggested I think on that... I couldn't find any for days and months... seriously... why? Because everything that's good or bad, has been affected so much by my mood then... 'very low mood' that was... Trust me, I tried. Nothing works. 

Stress apparently is one of the big issue that can affects mood... and most of us feels the stress and discomforts, but none, i believe, experience what I understand as "very low mood".  The hardest part is not how to cope when your mood is really very down... but instead, when your mood goes very high and uncontrollably high... you might not be able to sleep at all when your mood is very high (unlike very low mood, you can just sleep and sleep and do not want to get up), you seems to have lots of energy to do a lots of things, plan a lots of things, having non-stop thinking and ideas, etc.  Full of energy and even the sky fall down, you will think, ... it's ok. everything is beautiful.  After you finished all your money in the bank account and you can still say "It's alright, God will provide" or "Bankrupt is nothing"... etc. etc. It's a total different feelings.  The worse is, when your mood is so upbeat, you wouldn't want to let it stop because you will feel very good about it.  And the feelings of wanting to be recognised soon become "it is alright. Even if I am alone, I can lives a better and happier life".  "So what if those whom I care and love doesn't love me? I know how to love myself is good enough".  No one wants a low mood era. But no one want to stop having high mood.  

Which one is more dangerous? Both are suicidal.  One is immediate, another one gradually. And the majority of us are that we are in the middle of both moods... and you know exactly what and how you are 'feeling'.  

Well, I guess not many of you understand what I am trying to say... I am just tell you, ... if you are those in the middle, you are a blessed one.  

-Being positive? -