The meaning of Christmas!

December is here!  It's a month where it always full of memories of both good and bad.... and it's the month of the year that I feel utterly lonely most of the years.  It's also a month where I took off for 2 weeks just to relax.  With this year's many encounters in life, I have not taken any holiday except a mission trip to Switzerland in August.  It's as good as a break because I was totally put my mind away from works and merely focus on reaching out, learning new skills and knowledge, and engaging in ministries.  It's a fantastic experience, and it's definitely something I am glad I did it.  Awesomeness couldn't be left without thanking a great friend for journeyed this year with me, including the mission trip of course.  I am glad we went together.

Instead of the usual destination to 'cool' myself down and to regain my 'consciousness' at the year-end break (court recess), I am taking a big step (which fit in well to my this year's resolution - to be closer to God), by:  Be a kid and going HOME for Christmas. I cannot remember when was the last time I celebrated Christmas, which involves being closer to God.  Most probably, I never did right after I returned to Malaysia.  I guess this year is a year I can really enjoy Christmas the way it should be (get close to ponder over His love and being closer to Him) once again.  That's what I am trying to find this Christmas - the first love.  

I am glad my mom allowed me to do this even though I didn't tell her the reason I am going HOME, and she got so shocked that I am.  Well, I guess I do need to be selfish for once, to make sure that nothing hindrance me from being close to God. I am glad a friend is kind enough to offer a place for me to stay and to welcome me HOME (even to book me a taxi to take me from the airport, book me a Christmas Choir Concert, etc.)  I couldn't ask for more, but thankful that He has made everything beautiful this season for me to enjoy in His presence.  

So yes, "Be a kid and go Home for Christmas"!

- the meaning of Christmas! - 

Relationship with God I

It's been a long 'battle' with God this time and just about a week time, I shouted - I surrender. Well, this is me.  My relationship with God always not about "God says A, I do A, God says B, I do B".   I always stand firm on my ground, put on my argument, fight and if I lose (never win), only then I will do what He wants me to do. 

During the 'fight',  people around me will usually hear me voicing out my dissatisfaction about God, numerous reasons (mostly non-sense excuses) and think that I must have lost faith in God or that I have 'departed' with God.  Oh well, I don't blame these people who never understand the relationship I have with God.  

I am not so sure about how you define closeness with God.  I certainly can do anything, even fighting with those I am close with, knowing that no matter how much we fight, we still love each other and talk good about each other in front of any 3rd party.  Well, over and over again, people hear me saying, "He didn't treat me good, He loves others better, He forgot about me, etc. etc".  OH WELL, most of the time, that's what I would say, but deep down in me, I know He has been the faithful God over the years, He has been great, love me as much, provided me everything and I have NOTHING if not because of him.  

It is NOT what I want that is matter.  Day 1 I know this and I know if He intends to take everything away from me, He can do that within a second.  I don't 'earn' anything that I have today with my own ability, it is all by His grace and mercy as well as His love. 

In the past 3 weeks, this message about me being of little faith (Thomas) keeps appearing... fear overtook me every single time when He says, just put down everything and let me lead you because immediately my mind wander around about being back to the poor me again, needing to just work as a hard labour and eat only 1 meal a day, without shelter, without bed, etc.  But God again and again said, I should have more faith in Him.  After all, what I have today, it is from Him, not from my own ability and efforts.  It's all by His grace and mercy and I just have to trust Him.  At one point, I am afraid, and another, I cannot wait to know what's next.  

My mind, the conscious and knowledgable minds, always trying my best to comprehend what can and cannot be done, what should and shouldn't be done... and that's the same mind and brain that cause me to have less and less faith in the past months, if not years to have lose faith in Him and His guidance.  Really? By being a lawyer, my future is GUARANTEED? By being something else, my future is NOT guaranteed? Really? 

I came to the conclusion that I surrendered myself and truly understand that this verse means: I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me…  GALATIANS 2:20, 

I seriously praying very hard these days, knowing that by the end of May 2020, things will be different.  I only know the time frame, not knowing what's next.  Again, I guess I just have to focus on the works that I need to handle for now and wait for Him to direct my next step.  Well, whatever it is, I am getting myself ready for it.

- Relationship with God I -

Willingness vs. Comforts

It's been months if not years that I have been struggling to give up everything to venture into something else.  There are 3 things that I should be sorting and applying and pursuing and I have given myself a deadline until September this year.  I was reluctant to pursue because it required quite a bit of sacrifice, such as leaving Sabah, giving up all my properties (selling them off), moving to a new place with no friends and community (not that I have any now also).  I probably being left again with no money, no certainty in life, no future, etc.etc.  Well, only God knows... but that first step is not something easy to take to begin with.  So, I have been procrastinating.

Last weekend, upon being invited, I visited my uncle who is dying of cancer.  His condition has not been well and deteriorating. So, I travelled to Sandakan with my cousin and her husband flew to Sandakan from Kuala Lumpur.  We met up, spent some time with my uncle and aunty together with my mother, my aunty Anna and her husband.  My mind was brought back to many years ago, when I came back from UK after I failed one of my paper - Torts, where I was at the verge of giving up pursuing my studies and return to Malaysia for good. It was this uncle who encouraged me to never give up, even though I have to resit for more than 5 times, I should not give up and that's from a very strict headmaster of a school.  I recalled a few conversations I had with him (I don't have many conversations with him because I am the youngest in the family and I hardly has the chance to talk to him), I recalled another conversation over the phone (he called to check on my mom after dad passed away and I picked up the call), and he took the opportunity to ask me how I am doing, reaffirming me that it's good to be back to Sabah for good, that KK is good, don't keep thinking about taking care of parents, pursuing happiness in life, etc.  This visit, besides asking me how tough the law profession is for me, etc, he's somehow fascinated about me going to mission trip once or twice a year.   I like how he 'check' on me.  He nodded his head when I said once or twice of the year and asked me if I have any plans to go to China, etc.  I told him I did went and it's getting tougher these days and he said, find ways!  Oh, when this coming out from someone who is not so devoted... it pierces my heart.

On Sunday, while I was falling asleep in the pew.... listening to the sermon (very long-winded), i somehow being reminded that, even though it is not a very promising future, but if that's God's will and your tasks to fulfil, you have to give up everything and fulfilled it anyhow. 

Over the weekend, I was reminded of a few things: -

(a)  Never give up is the right way to go;
(b)  Just to continue this routine of life until the moment I died is not the way I prefer to lives up to;
(c)  Take all the opportunity to fulfil God's assignment to me while I still have the ability to;
(d)  Put down my own desire and fear, trust in the Lord and moves forward; and
(e)  Giving up comforts and willing to step out.

It's sad to leave Sandakan knowing that it's probably the last time I will see my uncle, but like he said, while we are young and able, do as much to live a life that wins God's approval.  I seriously need to be willing to put down all the comforts I have now in order to win His approval.  Lord, help me!

* first step of comfort is in 2 weeks time.  I am freaking out seriously...

- Willingness vs. Comforts -

Values + Success

Many people value success by counting what materials they have in life.  Having few properties and few cars and good monthly income to many, it is a luxurious life and it is a success.  Growing up struggling every day financially, our family never value materiality as a success.  I did not grow up having everything, but I do know one thing that we can always do, that's to read.  We cannot buy a lot of things, including Lego, games, etc.  That's what we lack, but we are blessed with books and lots of books.  

Someone will go for a job which they think will give them whatever material things they want in life and that they can live life luxuriously - having the world best ice-cream, beef steak, best world holiday, etc.  Even to be able to fulfil their dream to be the COO, CEO, CFC, the boss of bosses, etc.  That's would be the best job to have.  That's generally what people is chasing after.  

When you earn the whole world and losses God/the bit and pieces of the 'earning' in His kingdom, is that still a success?  In the past few years, there are just too many friends and family members passed away.  Sending them off, seeing them lie in the coffin, I always ponder, now that he/she doesn't have the chance to 'earn' a piece of 'earning' in the kingdom of God, did they regret?  Did they regret spending time chasing after their own dreams and wealth and happiness on earth and forgot about 'investing' in the kingdom of God?  

You may say, you still serve in the church or God.  I don't have any doubt that you did and still do.  But you work 24/7 for your bosses and company/firm, but are you doing the same for God?  You can buy a few Rolex watches, but are you giving any to God? What are you investing in His kingdom, to be honest?

I don't value having everything as a success.  Not because I have everything today.  I don't have everything I want today because I don't need everything to lives a life that's to fulfil His purpose for me.  What I need is sufficient enough for me fulfil the purpose He has given me.  I probably value, getting a Masters Degree or  PhD better than having few landed properties.  I am not trying to justify my decision, I am just saying.... whatever God wants me to do, I will do, even though I am unwilling to ... and if He wants me to be a judge one day, I will too... but only if He directs me so. So what if I do not have few properties and few cars and millions of cash? As long as I am loved and valued by God as His faithful servant, I think I am contented. 

- Value + Success -  

Compatibility

Over the past few years, on many occasions, I ended up asking the question of whether it is my problem that friends left me, unable to cope with partners and people.  Most of the time, I think it's my problem.  No doubt, I contributed half if not all of it to all these broken 'relationship'.  When I signed up for a mission trip last year, the greatest fear in me was not about how to cope with the mission works, but if I am able to cope with the people I need to work with.  I am glad I met a bunch of people who have one similar object/aim as me - focus on God, serve God, reach out to others and love God and people.  It'd been a while since I last gather with people like this.  I will say, it's probably I have never seen these group of people ever since I came back to Sabah.  When we manage to co-operate to get things sorted every day and at the same time, minister to each other, communicate with each other and pray for each other, I thought that should last forever. 

After a few nights of sharing and all with people that understand more of my situation, I soon realised my so-called 'relationship' problem only happens in Sabah and that's because we are of different level.  No.  I am not saying that my level is so high up that no one is able to reach.  I am also not saying because I had my tertiary education in England in full and that's I am on a higher class or level.  No.  I am not.  In fact, there are people who studied in England and lives in England for 20 years and still not at the same level as me. The thing is, there are many things that sum up this issue of 'level'. 

It could be family background, education background, education level, attitudes and characters of the person, and even religious background or where you grow up at.  Not everyone is of the same level, even though we could be having the same education or in the same professions.  After I suffered major depression some 10 years ago, I tend to be very cautious about getting around with people that I am compatible with.  I will still be able to get along happily with people that are of different level, but I am unable to be with certain people who are selfish, greedy and insensitive of other's feeling.  I get annoyed when they always think they are right, or agitated me with their characters and attitudes. Yes.  I get more sensitive these days and I don't mind they left me too, to be honest. 

Over the past year, my only prayer is that God will show me what He wants me to do next and that I am not doing it alone. God has been good to send a few people into my life, who somehow acknowledged that they are not my friends, but my special friends. Some who spent time trying to understand my situation and to analyse things with me, etc. Some knew my weaknesses and still stick around, some just pray, some just sent comforts words now and then, some sent flowers and gifts or even just greetings from time to time.  It's these people that I realise, (a) I am in a wrong place (b) I am in a wrong church (c) I need a life (d) I need to do something for myself after doing things for other for so many years now (e) It's time to step out and moves on because I am not dying as yet. 

I am thankful to have found some people who are compatible with my thinking. It's so not easy to find one these days.  I am very much reminded of who I am, why am I doing what I am doing now, why did I come back, what God says, what choice do I have, can i make those choices, etc. I am glad i am being forced to think instead of pushing it to the side and let things sink in as the day goes by. 

Over the years, it's always about doing things for others.  It is now time doing things for myself.  What's next? (a)  Transfer Bar to UK  - in progress (I tried for the past 8 years and our Sabah Bar wasn't being recognised and I only got 1 year in Malaysian Bar, so....) ; (b)  Finish the Arbitration Course (2/4 to go); and (c)  finished the Research Proposal by September and start making applications to LSE and other Universities for PhD and pray hard that Fund is available so I do not have to let go of my condo and firm now.  What's my back up in case I failed to get what I want? I can always come back to Malaysia to work or continue to be Solicitor in the UK.  I guess... Or Solicitors in other places since Solicitors in the UK is acceptable everywhere in the world. 

Praying very hard that all these are sorted by next year before the next mission trip in April 2020, so I can start sorting more things out by next year (by next year, I will be in the 15th years of practice, which I told God it will be the maximum years I am practising law).  I remember too, that I told God that I will stop practising if one of my matter is going to Federal Court, which it just happened.  So, I guess it is confirmed that I am leaving this practice soon (I know my mom is going to nag and worry and all.. but ya, whatever. hahaha.. )

If it is not now, I don't know when.  Seriously.  I could be much older compared to Liz, but I do get motivated by her.  I am impressed in fact and at the same time, proud to know her. She's just one of those compatible people who talk senses and being rational as well as having so much feeling when you discuss matters with her.  Someone who always end up saying, "let's uphold this into God's hand", or "let's pray". or "let's let God leads the way".  When submitting everything to God even though she has the 'ability' to sort things out herself, is something admirable.  That full submission to God, the acknowledgement of how weak we are and how great and marvellous God is..., she's just told me our lives is in His hand.  I am blessed by her humanity and timidity when it comes to God. No.  She does not grow up in church, she doesn't have parents who are Christian, she doesn't live in Malaysia, she's only 1/3 of Chinese, she is rich and super smart and yet, her focuses is only on God. Very impressive.  I am certainly blessed to have known her and be ministered by her.

I can only say, we are of the same 'level' on a lot of areas of our lives.  Unlike some people I met, always says, "I am like that, like me or hate me that's all" or "I am of low education and I am not up to your standard and then blame me for looking down at them" or "I didn't have the chance to study in the UK like you did, not so good life".  Wow... was my life BETTER in England?  While I was doing a part-time job to survives and eat only rice with soy sauce, where were you? People can push all the blames on me, rather than seeing how hard life would be for me to reach today.  I am sorry you are not at the same level as me today, but I am not sorry that you are of another level today because you did not put efforts into it.  So, stop pushing that blame on me.  I didn't cause it.  You do. 

- Compatibility -

What's next?

"What's next?"  That's the question I have been asking since the beginning of 2018.  2018 was a tough year, but it ended well... and that this group of people that met, somehow got me thinking about what's next.. in a godly and radical way.  This year is my 14th year of practising law and I have told God, 15 years max because that's all I can push myself through to be a lawyer.  Seriously, everyone sees me and say, 'hey, you are a lawyer.. you are having a good profession and life". Hell, not. I am glad that I am still financially able to support myself with this profession, but it's definitely causing me lots of problem in life.  No. I do not enjoy being a lawyer.... not even when I won cases, celebrating the victories, etc. etc.  I don't enjoy it.  Worse still when I have ridiculous clients and impossible cases in hand to handle.  It's not only mentally it is challenging, but it is also physically challenging these days.  

After what happened to me by Miss A and seeing how Joan is coping with life and death, I started realising that people just struggle through life every day and some of them, by stepping on others and being selfish and not thinking about how others have done so much to reach this point and some, they don't even have the chance to struggles now... Everyone has a different desire and aim in their life.  Some want to earn as much so they can have a better life in the future.  Some, they want a better career so they will get the excitement they want.  Some, they just want good health.  Some, they want family, some they want a peaceful life.  I have been wondering, what do I want? This aimlessness due to my recovering from my surgery has somehow make feeling so annoyed with life. Nothing seems good that happens to me... YET. 

It comes to my mind that I should maybe finish off my International Arbitration course and get on with building a career on that since litigation could be something I do not want to continue.  So, it's a 3 months course in London and at the same time, I need to get some research proposals sorted and the transfer of Bar application... I guess I need to start thinking about getting them sorted NOW.  But the moment my thought came across the lonely life in England for 3 months... my brain freezes.  Seriously? Do I want that? 3 months?

While I am still sorting things out with the CIArb UK and all, I am looking at the possibility of me staying there for 3 months.... with the limited funds I have.  Lord, are you even opening this up for me? Sometimes, I really wonder if He realises my existence... 

- What's next? - 

Take it for granted!

Sometime in February 2018, a newly called to the Bar lawyer approached me and asked if she can join my firm so she can work on her uncles' development projects.  She signifies that she wants a bigger portion and I thought, it's fair and I can allow it.  So I agreed to split the portion to 30% to the firm and 70% to her, after all, I thought of what Rev. Kenneth has done to help me up when I was a young lawyer then, I thought I can do the same to this new lawyer, Miss A too.  Instead of 50% each (that was what I agreed with Rev Kenneth when I first joined his firm), that's what we agreed with, with only one condition, no discount should be reflected in the firm accounts.  In case she wants to give a discount to her clients, she has to deduct it from her portion, not the firm.  She agreed.  On her request, I even printed her business card with the title Partner included, even though she has made no financial contribution to it.  I allowed that because it is easier for her to approach her clients, etc. 

For the past one year, not that she asked for discounts and all the monies to be paid back to her 100%, she has not given any contribution to the firm financially, through her portion.  It's either she requested that 100% be given back to her, or that she will tell me she is giving her clients discounts and asked me to revert that to her.  I allowed it 2 times and told her, it's not right and I hope she won't repeat it.  Unfortunately, she continues her deed.  Sometime in October 2018, I told her the 30-70% agreement doesn't work well because, for the whole year, she only contributed less than RM3,000.00 to the firm while my expenses have increased significantly because she refused to listen to my instruction to print black & white, etc.  So, I asked her to start paying RM3,000 every month since November 2018, in the event her 30% contribution is lesser than RM3,000.00.  She agreed, but again, she found another way to make sure she only pay RM3,000.00, even though her 30% portion is more than RM3,000.00. 

I noticed this for 2 months and sometime around March 2019, she ordered 8 boxes of papers and printed 8 boxes (130 copies) of the agreement for a development project.  Because of the low contribution and that she cheated on me earlier, I asked if her clients had paid an initial deposit and/or retention fees for the running of their project.  You know the answer, it is No.  She argued that it should be bear by the Firm.  No.  Unfortunately, it's not because if she continues to cheat, I will only be given RM3,000.00 per month and that it is not enough to cover all the expenses.  RM3,000.00 is not even enough to cover half of the expenses of the firm each month and she argued that (a)  she hardly in the office and therefore she shouldn't be charged for renting of office; (b)  she didn't use much of the electricity and water and therefore, she shouldn't be contributing to half of the bills; (c)  as for all the other facilities like photocopy and all, she said, she only use occasionally and therefore, RM3,000.00 should be enough.  It is funny how she never thought about the firm name she has been using and how much efforts that is to build a firm name.  Without this firm name, she couldn't even work or get into the panel-ship of some banks and/or financial institution. I believe she thought the firm name is free.

Long story short, when she ignored my request for retention fees from her developer (her uncle) and continue to ask my staff to do the printing for her, my staff informed me and I confronted her.  On the same day, she got so emotional and angry and told me she couldn't work with someone who isn't flexible enough and she is leaving the firm.  Hallelujah! I was overjoyed to be honest, that she said she is leaving because I was worry that she will stay on.  One hour later, she realised her mistakes made and she texted me and asked if I can allow her to set up another branch, wholly run by her.  I was amazed by her bravery to make such a request even though I was laughing at how naive she was that she realised now that the firm name is important.  Oh well, the answer is certainly NO and I didn't want to bother how much losses she suffered because by now, I have made more losses and earning by being good to her.  I had enough and I told her no and asked her to get all her stuff out by the day.  To be honest, the whole office overjoyed the moment I told them, she is moving out. 

___________________________________________________

As I ponder about the above, I wonder if I have in any way done wrong, to allow her to join the firm, use the name of the firm and even gave her a title 'partner'.  It's by rights that I should be given her all that?  I don't think so. 

Sometimes, being me, I too took God for granted.  He has given us the rights, the privilege, the blessings, the name - His daughter, and what did we do about it? We took it for granted and made unnecessary and unfair demands from Him.  We forgot that all the rights, privileges and blessings and even the name were given to us by love, by mercy and grace.  We thought we can argue so we can get a bit more of 'extra benefits' and when we did gets it, we thought we are smart and we have the rights to it.  We forgot that He gave us all that because He loves us, He allows it. 

I have been sulking about why God made me be a practising lawyer instead of working in the corporate world or maybe today I am the Regional Head of Legal Department of some very famous big company or group of companies.  I forgot that what He has given me today - according to some judges that I am a prominent lawyer, it is not by rights and it is not a privilege, it is a blessing, it is an act of mercy and grace from God.  What I have today, be it an achievement or some sorts, it is in fact, from Him, given to me - without needing my contribution.

The flexibility that I have, the knowledge that I have, the common sense that I possess, somehow it's not what I should be getting by rights.  It is from Him.  I should be thankful for what I have today, including the opportunities given for me to go for mission trips (in the interior of Sabah or overseas), the privileged to know Him since I was born, the privileged to grow up in church compound, the opportunity to have parents who always serve God, the privilege and opportunity to studied overseas, etc. etc.

I am reminded that I should not take all these for granted.  I should not be like Miss A, missed out all the privileges, rights and opportunity.  Lord, help me to focus on You, and You alone!

- Take it for granted! -

Tough Choices

It's always difficult to balance what you want/desire and what you should do.  God always has a sense of humour in putting me in a situation where I have to make a tough decision as such. 

I won a criminal case a few weeks ago.  Prior to that, I also won a few Court of Appeal cases.  I remember telling God when He first 'arranged' me to study law, that I will be a lawyer for Him but I once I have matters reported in the Court of Appeal, I will be satisfied and end the profession.  I did not know if the criminal case I won will go up to the Court of Appeal (I believe it will, but it all depends on whether the DPP will be able to arrest the accused again).  I told God, if you want me to remain in this profession, let me have 2 more criminal cases which will make me wealthy enough to stay on instead of struggling every month to make sure I have enough to sustain the firm, my staffs and myself.  With my qualification, I am very sure that I will get paid about RM30,000.00 per month, which I am obviously not getting it today. Everyone is telling me that God is putting me here in this position for a reason.  But I do not believe that He put me here to suffer and being stressed out every single day.  Yes.  God blessed me and protected me all these years (13 years), but can He at least, give me a life where I do not need to worry or struggle through every day?

It's a tough choice.  If I get my dream job in the UK, shall I leave everything, including my mom and go for it? Will I regret not spending time with my mom for the remaining of her life? If I stay back in my current job, I probably end up having to struggle through every day like how I struggle now.  I am feeling very tired and needed rest, but we all know that He might want me to go back to the Court all the time, to share gospels to those who are in need of salvation/repentant.  Am I trying to run away from His calling by trying to get a job in the UK?  I don't think so because dreaming to have a job and work in UK, which I am comfortable with and can grow spiritually has been my dream in the past few years.  But is the timing correct? I am not young anymore.  To start all over again would be difficult.  But without changes, no one is able to grow.  I am in need of a break, a growth and a change of lifestyle. 

I am seriously asking God now, please let me know if you can act on mercy and grace and give me what I want, and let me enjoy life in the UK for the rest of my life, so I can do more missionary works for you from the UK? Can you please be nice to me for once, without sending me to do works that I struggle to hold on to, please. Please, I mean it.  I need a break, a growth and a change of lifestyle.  Please give me a job I enjoy and that I can earn and I can have free time to go mission trips for you.  I need a group of people who can really support me and not like the situation now, where I feel like I am living life on my own, without any support. 

Please God, I plead for grace and mercy be given to me. Help me Lord, sustain me and please be nice to me and bless me abundantly.

- Tough Choices -

Achievement ?

I remember one mentioned that there is no such thing as Godly lawyer in this world when he realised that I, self-declared myself as one. All these years, I remind myself to be a Godly lawyer but what really defines one as godly lawyer exactly? It is not easy because to strike a balance between godly and at the same time to perform your duty as a lawyer, it is almost impossible. It is known to many that I can hardly find someone to work with. Most of the people of course of the opinion that (a) I am not business minded at all (b) I have strange thinking and (c) I am not easy to cope with.  I don’t blame them because 99.9% of people to end up studying law and practising law only has one aim, that is to earn monies and lives a good and wealthy life.

As for me, I never choose this profession and if I have the choice, this is definitely not my ideal and chosen career path. I don’t mind when God pushes me to study law. Selfishly, I wish somehow that He lets me be successful in climbing the corporate ladder instead of practising law.  Life would be so much better if I can just go to work every day as the legal advisor or even law professor, either one, I don’t mind. But He did not. This is my 13th years of practice. I remember negotiating with Him that I can practice law, but maximum for 15 years, and a minimum of 10 years. Thereafter, I want to do what I like.

I was thinking of the next thing I want to do after law profession a few years back and I took the liberty and finished my Master's degree. Having achieved the LL.M, I felt dream achieved. But at the same time, I realised God has assigned me a task. A criminal case was given to me. Someone was charged with Section 39B(1) Dangerous Drugs Act 1952. He is facing a mandatory death penalty. He felt hopeless but not remorse of what he has done. He told me he was only given the task by his boss to take a bag from a hotel room and he was arrested on his way out.

I told myself, such criminal, doesn’t deserve any second chance and he deserves to be punished with the death penalty.  On my first visit, he appeared to me that he was in fear and he didn’t know what to do. As much as I want to believe all that he was telling me, part of me disbelieve in his ‘story’. He could have done it, or might not have. That, I might not find out now or in future. Only he knows what happen exactly.  Visits about visits.... the 2 years, I tried my best to understand what makes him end up in prison and what he is lacking in his life. Obviously, he never heard about Jesus that really shocked me.  I spoke to him about Jesus. Not much as he was reluctant to listen.  However, as Hope was so slim then, I did tell him to start praying and believing that there is hope.

It was a crazy two years coming from Kota Kinabalu to Tawau on and off for this case and to make several interviews with him.  Making sure he’s ok in the prison, not sick, etc. It’s not easy as he’s not my family member and to love such people, it is rather challenging most of the time.  Just before trial and prior to him giving his testimonies, etc, I find that he wasn’t able to testify to the quality and standard I wanted him to. Worrying was an understatement.

This is my first criminal trial. I have done many criminal matters in the past but they never go on to trial. It was about 8 years since I last handled one criminal matter, and my understanding of the procedure on the criminal is uncertain.  Nevertheless, with lots of flipping, thinking and checking on evidence, I attended the first day of the trial on 6th August 2018 with no hiccup.  In fact, the judge, who has a very high standard due to his academic achievement was impressed by my straight forward and sharp approaches. I went on and on for days until the prosecution case ended their case.  On the decision on prosecution stage, the judge ruled that there’s prima facie in the case and therefore the accused was asked to enter defence when the decision was pronounced in November 2018.   As the trial progresses well and fast, I questioned myself if I have done something wrong or did I missed some steps or points, which I should address during the trial.  The Accused entered his defence in January 2019 and it took 2 days.  After the accused entered their defence I felt even worse as my only witness - the accused did not do well and have spoken things that he shouldn't, which made me furious and lost confidence on myself.  I told the accused's niece (the person who appointed me) that this might not end up good.  However, all I did was to put into my submissions the issues I raised and leave everything to the Judge to decide. 

The Court first fixed 31.01.2019 and 14.02.2019 for Clarification after trial, but because I had a surgery on the 25.01.2018, the Court has fixed 06.03.2019 for Clarification after trial.  I was asked to answer the judge all the questions and I thought I did well as the DPP, Tuan Khairul at the end of the session also said I did very well.  Thereafter, the Judge instructed me to put in an additional submission on the mandatory death sentencing (there's an amendment).  I was given an impression that the Judge is now considering whether to give mandatory death sentencing or whether to use the new implemented amended sentencing if the accused falls within certain of the criteria stated. 

The Judge fixed 26.04.2019 to give his ruling.  The few days before 26.04.2019, I took out the file, reading it bit by bit and did a research on mitigation factors, and run mind through the possibilities to ask the Judge to transfer him to serve his sentence in Selangor since he is from Selangor and all his family members are in Selangor.  I listed some mitigation factors, which I think I will still address to the court, regardless of how useless I think they are.  

On 26.04.2019, I saw him being brought into the Courtroom with the other 3 accused.  I walked over, talked to him, ask him to prepare himself for the worse and I asked him to pray a little (even though I know he might not believe).  He only asked me one question.  Is that confirmed that I will be found guilty? My heart sank but I told him, "very big possibility".  We waited about 20 minutes before the Judge preceded (I knew it must be our case that he came in late).  Among all 4 matters, His Lordship called my case first and he delivered his judgment. As he delivered, I almost could not believe when he mentioned that he was not convinced of the prosecution's evidence entirely and that doubts are raised and that he found the prosecution did not proves its case beyond reasonable doubt and he ordered that the Accused be acquitted and discharged with immediate effect.  My heart stopped and wonder if I heard it correctly and I was stunned for a while until the court interpreter, Jerry and Connie and even Rose looked at me and Jerry gave me a thumbs-up with his right hand.  My friend, Liew Mei Yee seated next to me congratulated me and I stood up and thank the Judge, sat down and I saw the DPP (Tuan Hurman Hussein - new and only in his job for 3 weeks) looked away.  

When the Court adjourned, I saw quite a lot of people was in the courtroom.  I talked to the DPP, asking if he is appealing the decision and he said he will seek HQ's instruction but he said it is such a ridiculous decision as the Judge already found him to be in possession and how can it be not him who is trafficking, etc. I didn't comment because obviously, he did not know what was going on during the trial and what doubts we raised.  As I walked out of the courtroom, I check with the court registry as to whether he can be released here in the Court and no need to wait till he goes back to the prison.  They said as long as the court gave the warrant to do so, they will release.  Court interpreter, Connie was so kind that she sorted things out, and the accused was released before noon.  I said goodbye to him and ask him to start thanking God for a second chance as he was on his way to board to his sister in law's car.  I called his niece and everything seems sorted - for now, as the DPP do have 1 month to file their appeal.  By then, they will have to apprehend him. 

I drove home straight after he left.  I told my mom as I reached home and she was in shock and disbelieve.  None of us believes what happened.  I was tired.  I took my lunch and went straight to bed.  The next day, I was woken up by a message.  My pupil sent me a photo.  As I looked, it's a newspaper report, mentioned the case.  I read a bit and went back to sleep.  I got up from bed around 10am and told my mom there's the news in the newspaper and so she went and read and feeling amazed with what I can do.  So far, I hardly lose any case, but to win a case on drug trafficking, it's seriously something I think not a job that one lawyer can do.  We all know and read that, there are usually a team of lawyers who handle that kind of cases.  It considers that I did a good job in raising doubts and that's the one thing I keep telling myself from the start of the case until the end - raise doubt, even one, it is good enough.  

All glory to Him.  I seriously hope that through this incident, the Accused will come to know who Jesus is and that He is the God of hope and future.  For me, this is a great lesson.  I finally get over with the saying or curse that says, "I am stupid and I am not as smart".   I am thankful for all those in the Taiwan Mission Trip who again and again reassured me that, what I am doing is not everyone can do and that God has places that in me because He knows I can do.  I do know many locals would think that I released a criminal into the world.  But I stand on my belief that God loves criminals too and whether they got a second chance or not, it is not up to me to have a say, it is what God has for them and all I need to do, is to do His Will and share the gospel to these people whenever I am able to. 

I am sure I will be very lonely on this journey.  I do not expect a lot of people will understand this ministry.  I am gladful enough to have just one person who knows what I am doing and always pray for me in this.  May His loves be shown to the least 'qualify' person in this world.  Let's His 'standard' be used and not ours.  

Lord, thank you for answering my prayer, allowing me to serve You.  

Name is written wrongly in the chinese newspaper.  Suppose to be 凌珮珊

- Achievement? -

The meaning of Pain

Everyone who knows me long enough will know that I suffer from pain on my ankle every second of my life for the past 20 years.  It's been a norm somehow that pain to me, is nothing but part of my life.  Therefore, I am having a very high tolerance over pain.  

It was a pain at the back of my right side that made me visit the clinic in November.  The pain I suffered was so bad that I couldn't tolerate and suspected that something was wrong.  Upon checking with the MRI I did on my Spine and care examination by my GP, nothing seems to be serious that I need to worry about.  However, I was septical about the whole thing still and therefore, I did a full blood test.  The result came out some time end of November 2018 and I was told to go to the clinic.  The cancer marker was on a higher level, suggesting something is not right at my ovary. My GP did an ultrasound to check if there's something in my ovary.. and after much checking, she saw something looks like a cyst, which she was of the opinion that it's just a cyst, which due to my age, could subside within months and all I need to do is to do a close observation of it.  So, she scheduled me to go back for a review in early March 2019.  

After I came back from a mission trip in Taiwan on Christmas 2018, I was sorting out with the next mission trip in March 2019, to Ireland.  As I looked at the date, I felt that maybe I should get myself checked prior to March 2019.  So, I voiced my concern to a friend, who suggested I should seek the second opinion.  She gave me a contact and I called the clinic for an appointment the next day.  I went for a check and scanned and I was told by the specialist that, it is not so obvious that it is a cyst.  Instead, she's worry about my heavy blood drop and blood lost (I did a blood test 3 times within the past 4 months and it shows a severe blood drop), which could be due to what's inside or outside my ovary.  The only way to get it checked properly is to get scoop done and to do that, I will need to be under anaesthetic, in which, she suggested that she will perform a keyholes surgery (laparoscopy) to remove whatever that's inside for biopsy.  So, I was scheduled (without being given a choice of not to do it) for surgery on the 25 Jan 2019.  

All these, lead by pain.  Without pain, I might not be able to realise something is wrong or not right or amidst.  Everyone needs pain in order for them to know their problem and to get their problem resolved.  During the whole process from surgery until recovering... I suffered some pain and some relief.  I didn't get things sorted by laparoscopy as there are more complicated issues discovered after they started laparoscopy and therefore, I also underwent open surgery to fix what's needed to be fixed and to take out, what's to be taken out.  Instead of 3 small holes, I have 3 small holes with a wide open cut.  

Today, it's almost reaching the 3rd month (still second month) after surgery.  For the past 2 months, the middle hole was without sensation.  When the gel was put or my hand touches that area, I wouldn't be able to feel any sensation on it.  These few days, I guess it is recovering... and I could feel pain on it.  Once again, I wonder, if the pain is better with or without.  Without pain, I probably would have moved uncontrollably and carelessly, I have very high chances of injuring myself or the wounds.  With the pain, I am more careful to know whether I should move more or less.  

I am somehow glad that I can suffer pain.  However, at the same time, I am bothered by the pain, during menstrual, as the pain can be so severe that I need to take Celebrex to stop it.  Dr said it must be a reaction that moves through the surgical wounds that cause all the pain.  Now, for once, I wish the pain is gone, which mean, I am fully recovering from this whole surgery. 

By faith, I hope I am fully recovered by August 2019 so I can enjoy without worry to go for my next mission trip.  

Lord, I know the existence of pain has its meaning and usefulness.  However, please help me to recover fast and well so that I can go for my next mission trip.  Amen!

- The meaning of Pain - 

Divine Acceleration

Few months ago, I was searching for the true meaning of life (once again), as I am still reluctant to accept that i am going be a lawyer by profession until the day I died.  This profession is meaningless to me.  People might find this the best job, a very 'high class' professions that I can earn millions in a short period of time.  However, that's not exactly what life is suppose to be.  I don't want to spent all of my life, at least not the rest of my life... to just on earning a life, which I cannot enjoy.  

Just when I was pondering over what can be the most meaningful thing in life besides the norm - having a family, have children, earn a living, being slaves to them and died, I received a text message from my dad's previous boss, who is the chairman of the OM Malaysia.  It reminded me that many times on the Doulos ship and while serving the missionaries on the ship.. the promise He made to me and the promise I made to Him.  No.  He did not send me to Doulos because He has a better plan in His kingdom.  He called the best in the family - my brother to do an even greater job in the past few years and assigned me a task to take care of my parents.  I was 'asked' by Him to serve in the local church for years until 8 years ago (not sure if He said stop or I quit without His approval), but I completely broke down wonder why on earth, this bunch of so-called Christian acted like they are God and none seems to be able to hear God. 

It's been 8 years since I serve God in any area of His ministries.  It's weird though that, people always tell the congregation that they do not have enough workers to serve and yet, they never take the effort to find or give others the opportunities. hahaha... Anyway, No. I do not want to work in the church (as I told a friend yesterday).  However, what she said somehow made me think further on the statement i made.  

Whether is church or not, It's not for me to decide.  More so, was it because of my family history that prevented me from serving Him in church all these while? I am glad my mind was wild enough to take up the challenge to join 2 mission trips, one to Taiwan and one to Ireland. I don't like Taiwan much... Going to Taiwan ultimately became a challenge for me as from the food to the culture, I know I am going to suffer a lot.  But God somehow shows me that if He places me to the place He wants me to, He is in control of everything.  I guess do know all the needs of all the 16 of us.  He somehow uses the 16 of us (20 plus the locals), helped each others in every area of our service to minister to each others.  I am glad I met some really good people whom i can share my heart and burder with, despite the fact that we don't know each other well enough.  And just because of that, we never judge and we always encourage and pray together without criticism.  

I always thought pride is my issue, but God shows me that i can be humble too and when Solomon (the OM Tung Luo incharge) told me he is blessed by my humilities, it took me a while to wonder why he said that.  I guess i realised only recently that he saw the comment that the 2 people who recommended me to the programmes and he also knew how much I can do and yet I have been quiet and humbly follow every instruction.  

Seeing Solomon and Lydia lead the group and how they focus in their ministries while coping with children and sick children for days while leading us, etc. It's amazing how God raise missionaries and how much they can do for Him, without complaint.  

I might have focus too largely on the failure I did in serving Him in CCL.  But God has shown me that, if CCL doesn't wants me to be there, they are going to face the justice they deserve one day.  If they have rejected me, God is here for me and ... if CCL doesn't want me, He can use me on other places, as long as I am willing.  Yes.  All Saints too might not be the place for me.  I thank God St. Patrick remains the pillar of my 'church life' and people are always there for me as long as one of them know who my parents and my brother are.  

These few weeks, God has spoken to me like answering every single of my inquiries.  The moment I asked a question, i got an answer the next day.  He is just great and wonderful and the most important thing is that, i forgot, He actually loves me very much, STILL! Thanks for those who constantly remind me that He still does... 

It could be a time to pause and listen and rest in the past few years.  However, i believe this year is a year that i can press on the acceleration paddle... and moves forwards, swiftly.  I do not know what's next.  I am putting my trust in Him completely.  I might only have 1 week of life left.  No one knows if i am going to survives the surgery.  But I have come to term that He is the Lord and I will let God be God and let Him take full control of my life.  If i died next week, i have nothing to regret.  I just hope people one day will come to Christ because of my little action.  

It's encouraging to hear that even in my dad's funeral, God has used that to call upon someone to go full time and responded to Him.  Lord, you are God indeed.  I am willing to be used.  But, are you sending me? 

- divine acceleration! -