During the 'fight', people around me will usually hear me voicing out my dissatisfaction about God, numerous reasons (mostly non-sense excuses) and think that I must have lost faith in God or that I have 'departed' with God. Oh well, I don't blame these people who never understand the relationship I have with God.
I am not so sure about how you define closeness with God. I certainly can do anything, even fighting with those I am close with, knowing that no matter how much we fight, we still love each other and talk good about each other in front of any 3rd party. Well, over and over again, people hear me saying, "He didn't treat me good, He loves others better, He forgot about me, etc. etc". OH WELL, most of the time, that's what I would say, but deep down in me, I know He has been the faithful God over the years, He has been great, love me as much, provided me everything and I have NOTHING if not because of him.
It is NOT what I want that is matter. Day 1 I know this and I know if He intends to take everything away from me, He can do that within a second. I don't 'earn' anything that I have today with my own ability, it is all by His grace and mercy as well as His love.
In the past 3 weeks, this message about me being of little faith (Thomas) keeps appearing... fear overtook me every single time when He says, just put down everything and let me lead you because immediately my mind wander around about being back to the poor me again, needing to just work as a hard labour and eat only 1 meal a day, without shelter, without bed, etc. But God again and again said, I should have more faith in Him. After all, what I have today, it is from Him, not from my own ability and efforts. It's all by His grace and mercy and I just have to trust Him. At one point, I am afraid, and another, I cannot wait to know what's next.
My mind, the conscious and knowledgable minds, always trying my best to comprehend what can and cannot be done, what should and shouldn't be done... and that's the same mind and brain that cause me to have less and less faith in the past months, if not years to have lose faith in Him and His guidance. Really? By being a lawyer, my future is GUARANTEED? By being something else, my future is NOT guaranteed? Really?
I seriously praying very hard these days, knowing that by the end of May 2020, things will be different. I only know the time frame, not knowing what's next. Again, I guess I just have to focus on the works that I need to handle for now and wait for Him to direct my next step. Well, whatever it is, I am getting myself ready for it.
- Relationship with God I -
