Compromise...

The word, "compromise" exist in my mind since the day I was forced to do things that I shouldn't do in this Law firm, "J". While I was driving home yesterday (27.02.2006) from Kuantan, my friend (a lawyer) and I had a chat about what really makes me resigned. I told her that it's because of the attitudes and characters of the partners instead of "the matter" itself. But my friend said, I shouldn't compromise to "the matter" as well if the problem of attitudes and characters of the partners weren't even exist. I guess she was right. I shouldn't compromise to "the matter" no matter what. Firstly, it's not pleasing to the Lord and secondly, it really goes against my principle.

Since then, I had fear to try other firms. I went for an interview this afternoon. Suprisingly, the firm althought they are looking for people urgently, but they seems very ethical because they said they will not do that kind of matter.

Today, many firms called me for interview. I quoted my expected salary as good as what my previous firm offered me, but to my suprise, the firms were saying that my expected salary is a bit too high. Hmm... I am not sure if I should compromise in that. I know the amount that I am asking for it good enough for me to SURVIVE. It's not going to make me rich.. it's merely for me to survive. If I compromise, i will get a job, but I will not be able to survive. haha.. so, the word "compromise" again appear in my mind...

Friends are asking me to check with other firms and I guess I will find out soon in the following 4 interviews. hahaha... Yes.. all of them replied to my application and I am going to attend another 4 interviews in the next 2 days. Hopefully, one works and I can start work on Monday (6.3.2006). There's one which I wish to get in and the interview is scheduled on this Thursday at 3pm. I hope this one works, really...

**********************

Driving Attitudes:

I am not sure if anyone of us is being taught of having a good attidues when we drive. I saw the advertisment on TV today and it's all about drivers' attitudes. Well, ... I am sure the government realise about the lack of good attitudes of all the drivers in this country. One of the good example is, ...

I saw a motorcycle hit a car and fell down. The motorcycle driver got up and went to the car, open the car door, shouted at the car driver (lady) and ordered that she parked her car at the side. I was shock, because I saw him hitting the car and he did damaged the car. But I guess he knew it's his fault but he saw that the driver is a lady and that he shouted at her. What kind of attitude?

I am still don't really get how the government is thinking. Why not making one lane for the motorcyle instead of letting them slipping out from all over the place? Shall we continue to "compromise"?

*****************

My church, FCC is going to have a prayer meeting tomorrow evening at 8pm (Ash Wednesday). Everyone is encouraged to attend (we don't use force) and I was asking my cell leader who is coming for the prayer meeting, etc. And she told me, some thinking of whether to come or not to come. A friend even used the excuse of 'see how thing goes' when I asked her whether she will join the prayer meeting. There and then, I was asking myself... can I "compromise" and not joining the meeting? ... hahahaha...

I guess I am stubborn in some way...
I can hardly compromise with things that is 'incorrect' in my own dictionary.


- hahahahaha -

A Trip!!

It was last night that my friend called me to ask if I have anything to do today. I said no and here goes the trip for me today.... to KUANTAN, PAHANG. hahaha....

My friend called at 4am this morning to woke me up and to get ready. I got myself ready, pick up my medicine and went to Kuantan with her this morning. This is the first time (may be only time also) to Kuantan.

Ops... don't get me wrong, my friend and I were not there for FUN... we went there because my friend has a matter in court this morning. BUT... after the court matter, we did hang around in Kuantan for a while... hmm... guess what? ... we bought a kites and we tried so hard to make it up to the sky. That's noon time and it's HOT but trust me, I had lots of fun and it does cheers me up.

While I was in Kuantan, I received a few phone calls. Not very sure why EVERYONE is calling me today. hahaha.... but yes... some asking me for transcript, some asking for interview, etc. etc.

But one thing I really thank God was.... my eyes closed while i was driving and it almost hit the road block and crashed and die. hahaha.. but thank God I woke up ...

Hmm... yup. I am very sleepy and tired now....

Forgive me ... z z z z z z z z z

Memories...

I just came back from a gathering with this brother who is leaving.

This brother was given the opportunity to share during today's (26.02.2006) service and he said he has been here, in KL for 6 years. I was shock (or rather couldn't believe) by the statement he made because it was still fresh in my mind the first moment I saw him. I still remember the first day he arrived in KL and the first time I met him. It's in my house (staying at Sea Park then). The chinese worship team were gathering in my place for a BBQ and it was 31.12.2000. We (Chinese Worship Team) spent the whole evening until the next morning (1.1.2001) worshiping and singing. I still remember, we ended up at the most expensive mamak store next to Sunway Lagoon Hotel at 2a.m.

6 years has gone through just in a glimps of eyes. I can't believe it when he mentioned it this morning. He also said something about he being left alone with another brother once when everybody in the cell group left for studies and how I helped the cell group, etc. Yes, I remember I was assigned to take over that particular cell group then and I don't really know this brother at that time. I still remember after my studies, I will join a sister and a brother to play squash in the Condominium next to the cell group premise and right after that, I will changed and join the cell. There were so many issue about the cell group after that and later, I was assigned to supervise other cells instead.

Well, I remember a few years ago, where a group of us decided independently to join a mission trip to Mauritius. It was that time that I knew this brother better. Together with the brother and sister who play squash with me, 4 of us were being called "4 big King of Heaven" - sei dai tin wong.

Till last year, by encouragement by this brother, I went back to worship team and took up the courage to play the Bass guitar again. I did try to learn more, but the work loads I had last year were killing but I am still keeping up.

Last year, the whole church is putting their focus on this album called "Purpose". It is an album with all the songs that's composed and sing by this brother. And I just happy to be part of it, though I really didn't do much except happen to be around in Tawau and KK while a group lead by him were in Sabah for mission.

This memory will not be easily fade away and to continue with my last blog about losing memory... I guess I do not want to lost this part of my memory because knowing this brother is one of the blessing from the Lord.

As this brother is leaving tomorrow (27.02.2006) for a greater mission, I wish him all the best and be faithful to the Lord till the end.

- blessing -

Thought of the day!!!

As I have nothing much to do at home, I watched this HK series. At the beginning, it was about a guy's girlfriend who was unconsious in the hospital for 3 years. And due to his decision, the girl finally woke up but she forgot about the past. I was thinking what if I am in her position. Would I like to have my memory back or would I just want to start my own life all over again. I am also thinking.. If I am given a chance now to forget everything behind, would I like to lose part of the memory or all of it.

There are so many friends of mine said my life is not a good life. I struggle very much in my life in order to get certain thing. Some of the thing in life, I don't even dare trying to "Wish" that I have it. Because even a simple needs, I had difficult time in getting it.

The series also reminded me not to give up easily and to face the fact in life. I think not many people think of 'giving up' as much as I do. There were so many occasions that I thought of giving up and even lose my focus in knowing the meaning of me reaching the AIM. I even placed in many occassion to think of the 'meaning of life'.

I was checking some website to find out more about some works that I might be able to do for a mission field and ... I can't remember when I had the interest in Medicine. But... After checking the website, I wonder why did I do law in the first place and not medicine. haha... Yup. I wish I am a doctor rather than a lawyer.

After a long fight to be a lawyer and I am not satisfied with the so called 'achievement'. ...

So, what's the point of 'not giving up' in the first place?

- thought -

Judging others?

It was the online conversation that I had with a friend this morning that made me think of the queston on Judging Others. .... My friend said I could be too judgmental to make a judgement to say that the cell group leaders now a day still not being well trained and made a lot of mistakes.

This issue made me ponder on the issue whether it is right to judge others. There and then, I came across a passage today on "When to Judge". haha... many of you came across that passage also I believe. It's base on the bible verses in Matthew 7: 1-12. It talks about we need to follow Jesus' teaching and learn the difference between judging people and evaluating situations. But as we are human being and we are not given the best wisdom, we tend to fail to handle a situation without condeming or judging others. That's why according to the passage, it is essential to learn how to pray to the Lord to make sure that our God is the one who "will bring every work into judgment, including every secret thing, whether good or evil" (Ecclesiastes 12:14). - passage of RBC, Our Daily Bread referred.

Hai... I re-think of what i said this morning.... may be my focus is to think of a way to improve the cell system, but ultimately, i have made certain judgement against them. ... This is truely a long learning lesson for me. Time to think if I should submit that to the Lord instead. hehe..

OK. Guess that's all for now. Not feeling well. Had a very terrible medicine. Feel dizzy and sleepy. Time for me to rest. ...

- sick -

Passion for the Lord!!!

I visited a cell group this evening. To my horror, one of my member has been quite "naughty". During the sharing, I found out that she has not been attending service and cell group for a numbers of occasions. I didn't ask her directly, but I asked the cell leader. The cell leader can't really answer me much because that member always thing the cell leader is not a qualified person who can 'question' her. So.... we have a situation here. While I was talking to the cell leader and tried to find out when was the started, we noted that it's because things, people and circumstances that changed and make her changed.

As a christian in KL, it is not easy to live a life that is pleasing to the Lord. I was in the position to choose whether to please my boss or the Lord 2 weeks ago. Well, to many... may be money is the most important issue one will look at it, especially in KL. So.... it's the matter of 'priority'. I was so suprise to know that, people, or christian who are serving in church now a day is also depending on certain things.. 1. who's the boss? 2. how much you 'pay' me? 3. what benefit do I get? etc. etc. Some serve the Lord because of the person who is leading. Some, serve the Lord because they want to show off, some, serve the Lord because they want certain 'status'. But of all these, they started to forgot who actually they are serving and they tend to forget who's the BIG boss.

It's the departure of a faithful servant of God in church (transfer back to the main church in Sabah) and that this member lost her focus in the Lord and things started to went wrong. In many occasions, she think the church is like a company. Many of us do think that way. We tend to forget the different between a corporate world and a church. It's just like how easy we misunderstand between Company and Corporate. We thought they are the same, but they are not.

To be honest, I am diappointed by these kind of people. And the worse thing is, they thought the cell leader is not qualified to give them advice and encouragment. ... Like many of us in the corporate world, thinking the 1 year old lawyer cannot be as good as the 3rd year old lawyer. ... but in actual fact, ... in many times, the 1 year old lawyer is better because of the effort put in preparing for the case.

I hope, ... everyone who serve in the church or any ministries will be reminded of who they are serving, why they are serving and always submit themselves to their leader.

- disappointed -

Job vs. Jobless

During this second week of job seeking, I have gone through quite a numbers of interviews. Last week, my schedule was rather full. Interview by interview, from Monday until Friday. I told one of my housemate that those interviews, some is encouraging and some, very discouraging. While I am sending as many application as I can to firms and attending interviews, a friend of mine told me that she is resigning from her job. This evening, a housemate was telling me that she is frustrated with her work. I started to wonder why people need to work. I am desperately needed a job to start my career and get my life settled down and not moving around anymore and these people... have been telling me that they want to resign from their job. ...

I was discouraged from bad interviewers to be honest. Some of them, really look down on me because I do not have good explosure ( I still don't blame my master nor the firm) and some of them, think what I am asking for is too high ( That's what my previous firm offered, and I use it as a basic). So, I have been given no choice, but to start sending my application to the big firm as what I have learned for the past 1 year, is what a big firm's job. ...

This morning, I received an email from this firm call W & P. For the first time, I was asked to enclose my examinations transcript and my C.L.P transcript. ... I am wondering, if this is what they want for their lawyers, I don't want to work with them because I don't want to work with those who are not practically trainned.

To many people, I think I did draw a line somewhere.. a little bit below the PERFECT point. May be it's a bit too high. I.e. Ethical firm, no illegal works, no academic focused firm, etc. Well, I guess I am just asking for a BETTER life, that's all.

This week, it's a bit quiet because I sent all my applications to the big firms last Friday. It will take them about 2 weeks to get back to me. If I heard nothing from anyone by next friday, I will start sending application to Kota Kinabalu and Tawau's firms.

- jobless -

SHOCKING!!!

Well, ... I woke up in the morning ( not sure what time) and found that I was suffering from this pain at my back. Erg.....I used to suffer that kind of pain a year ago before I took up all my saving and bought myself a good bed and good mattress. Now, what happen to my back? I couldn't even sit up or turn or even get up from my bed. Well, it is not exactly MY bed. I am sleeping at my brother's place as requested to accompany my sister-in-law's younger sister. So, here I am. But now, it gave me this 'headache' as I can't possibly sleep well if I sleep here. But I can't sleep in the sofa because she will definately woke me up the next morning and it's not very comfortable.

Well, I manage to sit up when a friend of mine called me and telling me that one of our 'enemy' resigned from the previous firm (our most hated firm) and also gave me some details on firms that's looking for lawyer. So, ... I really thank my friend who called me. I got myself clean up and did some documents choosing and went out to shop to do some printing... for my second interview with this firm at Damansara Height. I was among five of the candidates who were being shortlisted. I walked into the building (UOA) and noticed a signboard that says: Visitor, please report yourself to the counter. In a second, I thought this is very familiar and .... were I here before and left my driving license with the counter???? OF COURSE I DID... I came for the first interview last Friday and guess what? YES....I left my driving license uncollected when I left the building. GHOOSH..... now what? There must be something to prove that I left my driving license here. I then searched my bag and I found a pass that was given to me in exchange of my driving license. hahahah......... and I went up for interview. Came down, and collect my driving license. Thank God, it's still there. ... I can't believe if I gave the counter my Identity Card instead...

The second interview were quite fruitful. The partner who interviewed me seems like a very experience and good lawyer. Even during the interview I manage to learn something from him. Well, he can't promise me a post because I do not have sufficient experience and he really needs someone who can help him to go to trial, do appeal to the Court of Appeal and yes, I NEVER done that before by my own. But he still shortlisted me. Now, I am 1 of the 3. Will wait for him to reply me on Monday.

During the interview, he was asking me about why didn't I accept the offer from the firm last friday, etc.. and I told him about the terms stated in the offer letter and he shouted like: WHAT? What are you applying? Partnership or Legal Assistant? They what? Want you to indemnify for any professional negligence? You better don't take the offer, ok? , etc, etc... hahaha... his reaction has confirmed me that I did the right thing not to accept the offer. haha... !!!

I came back, wondering if I will be given a chance in that firm to be trained by him.... but I guess, it's not my call, it is the LORD's now... I have done my part, and I will let Him do his. Meanwhile, I hope to hear from some of the firms I applied to these few days, before Monday.

... Dilemma ...

Relax?

My dearest dad and mom called me respectively just to let me know that I shouldn't put too much pressure on myself in finding a good job. I appreciated their encouragement. Friends had been calling to let me know which firm are looking for lawyer and asked me to apply for it. I myself is also applying for a few firms that's in mind.

A friend made a joke by saying, small firms won't appreciate me and since I have a 'bad' life, I shouldn't even think about getting into small firm and lives. I should try Big firm in order to survive. haha... i hope she is right. I don't mind any firms now as long as it is ethical, good explosure, good pay. Firms that require me to work till late night also i don't mind at this juncture.

Anyway.... I am a bit depress..... Lossing my confidence and ... having different kind of thoughts... really praying hard for MIRACLE to happen.

- depress -

Choices!!!

A friend sent me an email with this powerpoint which was about the way of handling stressful life. While I was watching the powerpoint, the word "choices" appeared a couple of times and suddenly, it reminded me on something my brother used to told me about choices. He said we are always being put into choices and we always have the freedom to choose. Many of us including myself cannot agree with the statement when we first heard it. I only realise the real meaning of it as time goes by.

Last week, I was put in a situation, whether to choose to keep the job, get a good pay and do all the illegal works or to leave the job, keep the dignity, be ethical but lost the source of income. It's not an easy choice to choose between, but I made it and at the same time, I am "suffering" from the decision I made.

This week, I am also given choices to choose which firm to work at, what sorts of life I want and which letter of offer I should sign. I was offered a job few days ago and I was so happy about it and I wanted to sign the offer letter yesterday. I went all over to the office with my cousin thinking it only takes about 10 to 15 minutes to get things settled and start work on Monday. But to my horror and suprise, the terms and condition stated in the offer letter were too 'unusual' and 'scary'. 1. I am to be contractually bound with the firm for 1 year after confirmation. I am not so much wory about this term as I have 3 months probation and during my probation period, I would be able to find out whether I like it or not and what I need is to give them 2 weeks notice to resign. I am more worry about the second issue: 2. Professional Negligence. According to the terms, They subscribed the Professional Indemnity Insurance for RM1.0 million. If they're found liable due to my fault, they are not going to bear with it, but I have to bear with it. Hmm... to be honest, in normal practice and partnership set up, as partners, they have to be liable because I am just their employees and they have to take responsibility in monitoring me. As I am new and freshly called, this is kind of scary and I am not ready to bear such a responsibility. You can say I am not brave enough, but honestly, I am not in that position to be able to bear all these yet, although I am sure it is not easy to get wrong in things I do.

So, again, yesterday, I was put in the position to choose whether to accept the job and start earning or to continue become jobless. While I was holding the offer letter, my heart was not feeling comfortable and I called a few friends to confirm if the term is normal. According to them, it is not. So, again, I made my decision, being jobless instead. I am not sure how much more I can bear to make these kind of decision.

After yesterday, I started to lose my confidence in the small or rather medium firms. I am going to the Big firm now. I think I can trust the big firms more. Althought I am sure there do have some unethical lawyers in the firms, but I guess they won't be so 'chin chai' or relax in doing their works.

Now, is that a good choice?

TRUST?

After the incident with that senior partner in my previous firm, I was really pondering if I did the right thing. The partner actually said I should not take it so strictly. I am just wondering, what make them think they did the right things. Is is because they did that before and never get caught and that's why they make it RIGHT that everyone can do the same?

The senior partner raised a few issues during the 'talk'. One of it, she said I didn't trust her. I answered her that I did but not now. If you know me well, you should be able to know that I am a very 'stupid' person because I trust everyone on everything, anything at anytime and everytime. When she said I didn't trust her, I started to think what made me lost my faith in her. Firstly, I think because she is not GOD. Secondly, I think she think whatever she does is suppose to be CORRECT because she is from this 'S' firm. She is challenging the law, the Bar Council and the Disciplinary Board. When she asked why can't I trust her, I almost said because she was wrong and she is not any greater than the Bar Council and Disciplinary Board.

How can she persuade me to follow her instruction if she did a simple thing wrongly and still claim that she did it right? This is a very small matter, which a very junior lawyer knew and yet she still "MAKE IT" her way is the correct way. I cannot imagine whatelse I would need to do (illegal) in future. I lost confidence on her and the firm entirely in a split second.

When the issue of trust came into my mind, I am asking myself what kind of person can I trust. If you asked me NOW, I think I really do have reservation in trusting anyone now. An experience Lawyer also can't be trusted. Who can I trust? ...

I do not have any problem in my previous firm in KL. All the lawyers, senior lawyers, partners can be trusted fully. And I was glad that I was trained by them. I cannot imagine how life can be if I was chambering in that firm. Now, my 1st question all these years were answered. The question I was having in mind was : "How come there are so many lousy and unethical lawyers in Malaysia?" Well, it's because they were trained in a lousy and unethical firms or rather, under a lousy and unethical master or lawyers.

It is sad and ... tell me, how can the legal system or the judicial system in Malaysia can get better? ... This week, I am again asking myself : Pei San, are you sure you want to be a lawyer in KL and make some changes in this legal professions? ... I have yet to have an answer...

... thought ...

Job!!!

It was yesterday (15.02.2006) that a firm called me and told me that they are offering me a place. It is a small litigation firm. They (2 partners) seems nice and they seems to know two of the firms that I used to practice at. Guess they do have confidence in me either. Which is a good sign. I have told them I am accepting their offer yesterday (15.02.2006) and am going to the office to sign my letter of offer tomorrow (17.02.2006). I hope nothing goes wrong here. It is only a few days without a job but that's enough to made me feel 'crazy'!!!

What happen last week still stay real and fresh in my mind. I wasn't really sure why and how it all happen now, but I just knew in split seconds that, if i am not getting out of there, I will surely suffer a lot from that place and I will learn even more unethical things compare to my firm in Tawau. I am not sure where all the courage came from then, but it is over. I still remember how much fear I had the day before things happen. I called my parents and talked to my dad about the issue. The next day, I met a friend that really saved my life and I told my dad and he said, it must be sent my GOD because they have been praying hard for me on this. I really need to thank my parents and all my good friends who was with me during the whole week and to advice me and to guide me through. My previous litigation partner during my chambering in KL even helped me to call up the Bar Council and Disciplinary Board to check things out and to confirmed with me that my decision to leave was indeed correct. He even jokingly said it's an interesting and good experience. hahaha... Anyway, as a christian senior lawyer (13 years of experience), he really gave me a good spiritual and law professions guidances. I thank God for a good friend and boss like him.

Now that I got a job, I am not thinking of going back to Tawau at the moment, although I miss home so much. Can't stop thinking about my parents. But I also reminding myself to develop myself well as a lawyer in KL while I can.

I went down to KL to fetch my uncle, aunty, cousin and his girlfriend yesterday to meet my brother and his family for dinner. While we were in the car, my uncle were shock to find that my pay is so little. He asked me to go back to Tawau and start a firm. I said that's my plan also, but I need to be a good lawyer before I go back because everyone know who I am and their expectation to me is higher than any other new lawyer. I don't want that kind of pressure at this moment. In a way, they agreed with me. Later, they blessed me with a gift and some money (not a lot, but... it is indeed a blessing). After talking to my uncle on this, I think finally he knows why I am in KL although the pay is very little compare to Tawau. But, he did widen up my mind and eyesights about prospect in Tawau also. I am really blessed of havin this uncle and his family. He has been blessing me a lot.. at least, my degree!!! Thank you, uncle!!!

- thank you -

Jobless week + Birthday!!!

Well, log on and noticed that I didn't post anything for a few days. Partly it is because I do not have mood and partly because my computer was down. I ended up re-format the whole notebook yesterday evening and now, it's back to use.

I was called for an interview yesterday morning (13.02.2006), today (14.02.2006) and there's one tomorrow (15.02.2006). Hmm.. friends reminded me that, my situation is not bad at all compare to some of my friends who has been jobless for months. Well, I am not someone who can sit still at home doing nothing kind of person. In additional to that, I am so eager to learn more now. All these, just put me off a bit and de-motivate me in a way. ... Of all these years, there's not a single day which I did not work or study. I was always in the move. Suddenly I was told I do not have a job (work/studies), it really got out of my hand and mind. But yes, I shall treat this as my ONLY holiday and also time to clean up my room and so on.

Today (14.02.2006) is my birthday. I met up a friend in KL for lunch because I need to collect some important documents from my previous firm and also to get a present from my friend (she requested me to meet her for the present). Thereafter, I came back home and starated to sort out things with my notebook, then rested for a while and suppose to meet a friend for dinner. But ended up, I was at police station together with her and her housmates (my friends). Their house was broken in and many important documents and cash were stolen. I was the second one to enter the crime scene and it's so dramatic... anyway, after the police station, then 3 of us went for a good, fulfilling and delicious dinner. I enjoyed it very much... !!!

When I came back, one of my housemate came down, sang me a birthday song and gave me a slice of cake. I felt so warm and blessed after all!

It is not easy to remain happy while I am jobless and seems to lost my focus and motivation towards this profession, but... what I gained from all these is to know who created happiness for me and I actually get closer to Him these few days. I think He really treasure me as who I am and that, he used many ways just to show me how much He cares about me and how much He want me to go back to the 'on fire' Pei San. So, I am taking this week off. To get closer to Him!!!

Resigned @ Jobless!!!

Hmm... I believe this is not something you expect to read in my blog since I sounds really happy about the firm for the past few days. However, I must said, I was a bit unhappy because of one single issue since day 2. I was asked to do some illegal works. Although I manage to ask someone to help me with it, but I was really not happy of doing it. I voiced my discomfort to one of the junior partner twice but he doesn't really want to listen to it and he ignored me all together. Yesterday, I felt so depress over this issue and I again voiced out my discomfort and dissatisfacton to the junior partner but he ignored me either. I hence planned to speak to the senior partner. But before I did that, the junior partner found out that I refuse to do what he and the senior partner were asking me to do. So, I was called to the senior partner's room. The senior partner (she) asked me the reason of my refusal. It is simple and she should have known it, that's I do not have the locus to do it. If I did and being caught, I will be liable myself and the worse consequences is that, I might not be able to practice anymore. I am still young in the professions and I am not ready to take all the risk. Well, she said she done that before and she claim that, she's from "S" firm ( one of the top 3 in Malaysia) and she did the same during her time. Well, I am not sure how she made it out that she did it before and was not caught and that = the RIGHTS to do it. She is senior enough to challenge the law stated in the Legal Professions Act 1976, but i am not. If anything goes wrong, I will be liable, she will not... So, I am really wondering what rights does she has to said what she told me this afternoon. Anyway, to cut the story short, she gave me 2 choices. One is to go to court as per her instruction and the other, to resign. Well, I guess what really made me not comfortable was that when she said, I should have just listen to what her instruction is and follow and not challenge her. Hmm, .. that's mean, in future, if she asked me to do corruption, I have to do too. ... when I think of this point, I started to feel insecure and I have chosen option 2.

I am not sure if all these are my problem because to some, I should have just close one eye and do it for her. As long as I know how to cover my wrongdoing, i will be fine. But I do thank all my friends who are in this professions that gave me assurance that I am correct in doing so because she shouldn't have FORCE me to do it for her. I know I might be getting same kind of bosses in future, in another firm, but... I am telling myself, am I trying to please man or God here. I am asking myself these couple of days "What Will JESUS do?" . And I guess, ... God doesn't want me to do illegal works loh.

I do need a job desperately but not to the extent I do illegal works and lives. ...

I am really worry about my future and my career. I want a permanent job. I am so depress now. Hence, If you are nice, please say a little prayer for me, ok? I need a job. IMMEDIATELY!!!

- depress -

Another Thought!!!

Sorry for not being able to post anything this morning. I went to court in Shah Alam this morning. I am getting used to it and I am now less nervous on meeting a judge, speaking upfront, etc. etc. Well, in short, I am more confident now compare to months ago althought I am still new. The date stated well and I manage to get everything done. I was suppose to do some file search, but I only remember about it after I passed the Toll to Subang Jaya. I made a U-turn and things went all wrong since then. I got all my documents done and headed back to office. I made a few phone calls to ask someone to join me for lunch, and I only get one of my ex-colleague to call me back and willing to join me for lunch.

But just 1 minute before I was about to leave my room for lunch, this senior partner came in and asked me for the 5 research she asked me to do yesterday afternoon. I found out she is a IT idiot and she doesn't have have software in her PC to view PDF files. I saved all the documents in her PC for her so that I do not need to print it out, but she didn't appreciate that ( now i know exactly what to do next time). She was scolding crazily like why didn't you do this and that and why print it out, etc, and why not getting me some other reports, etc. And she said, if this is not urgent, she would have spent time scolding me. But she needs me to brieft her all the cases one by one. For goodness sacks, I really cannot remember ALL the cases and hence, I was scolded for not making notes, etc, etc. Well, I was just talking to my friends on the phone 10 minutes ago and I told her, this senior partner just reminded me on 2 things: 1. A lawfirm (hereinafter referred to as 'the law firm' and 2. my previous suprerior in JLPW ( always came out from the law firm). I think this law firm is really good in 'creating' one type of lawyer........amazingly, everyone from this law firm has the same patent and those ways and patents they are exercising, they think is the most PERFECT one (well, they are one of the top 3, so... ). I just hate the styles to be honest like they are LIVING FOR THE FIRM and do not have their own patent. ... anyway, even research that they ask us to do, they never tell you which file it is for, why do you need to do such research, etc. etc. All they ask is to look for A and A includes No.1 till No.999. ... and after you got all the 1000 types of A to her, she will tell you on 900 types that, those 900 types are not what she wants. Ridiculous.. really ridiculous!!!!

Well, no choice... unless i have my own firm, isn't it? Soon.. I will really not stay too long in this city. Pathetic city !! Well, I will try to fulfil what I need to get in this City and leave this place for good soon. ... May be just for this year. Next year after bonus, cabut...!!! See, I am missing home and my SABAH already!!!!

- miss -

What an experience!!!

I guess I will be posting something very interesting in courts everyday now a day...

Like I said earlier on, the court system in Malaysia or rather, the judicial system in Malaysia as a whole is not perfect. This morning, I was given 2 matters to attend. It's a simple matter because I cannot do anything complicated yet (incapable). It was a 10 minutes kind of works but it took me 3 and a half hours to get it done. As I enter into the Bankruptcy court and I noticed there are lots of lawyers standing there waiting for their turns, but the Q wasn't moving at all. Everyone is asking for its reason, but none get any answer. I was looking around and wonder... see, this is a respective lawyer's work and at the end of the day, we get scolded by clients still. These kind of job is just a nusty and not rewarding job. I saw one lawyer, handsome, neat, fully dressed with expensive and nice suit, carrying 2 very expensive pens in his pocket and he was waiting frustratedly together with me. What a career isn't it?

When I came back, I read a friend's blog and came to know about the news posted in newspaper today. I am just wondering how come we, the Malaysia feel unsecure and always make complaints about the Government. Who is at fault? What are we lawyers do or rather, the court do these days? Police officers are only interested in arresting the drug addicts and nothing else? And the lawyers are doing what? Suing people for bankruptcy and winding up? We are just trying to spoil others' life aren't we? ...

I wonder again on the issue of : who is incharge on this world? ... I bet some of us think it is us or the government or whoever you think it is, but let me remind you, God is incharge. Don't ask me why didn't God do anything about things that's happening now because I do not have an answer for you. If you want to know, you better ask God yourself. ... Some of us still think we can take charge of this country, this community, this house of yours, your own life aren't we? ... You will be suprise to find out that, you just cannot do more to change the world.. unless it is by the Lord!!!

- ? -

Thought of the day!

After I came back from the Shah Alam court this noon time, I read a friend's blog. She is a lawyer and she is now in UK. Her blog somewhat made me think deeper on what I want in life. She reminded me these few days about the 'calling of God'. It is not easy to understand why God need us to be a lawyer. To many people, it is just a professions/career. To some of us, who are christian lawyers, we are quite sure that's not about it. If you were with me since I came back from England, you might know how much I have gone through and how much I learnt about the government and it's power in Malaysia. With the recent cases/issues in the newspaper, it's needless for me to explain anymore how imperfect this judicial system is in Malaysia. Basically, the police force make themselves as a seperate body from the judicial system. I am not sure why is that, but like I said, the judicial system in Malaysia is not perfect. Even in the court rooms, different court room is exercising a different system and standard. I was sitting in the court this morning to hear some hearings and trials. The judge seems understand and proper, but he is questioning on one of the transferred case that why did the other judge gave such a ruling. I was just sitting there and wonder how can these kind of system and standard convince the public/lay people? It is impossible, isn't it?

My friend's blog seems to be very 'ambitious' when she said she wanted to be a lawyer, to change the law, the judicial system and to influence the government with christianity. I once had that thought in me, but now, when I am sitting in my room in the office, I am feeling so much inadequate I am. What can I do to change the judicial system? ( I did write about God's law in my previous blog ).

I guess one of the reason I come back to KL is to do something more. I am now thinking of persuing a postgraduate course, either in Law or in Theology. I am still thinking and about to do some research on both. I know the more I climb up the hill of the judicial system, I will be nearer to the AIM. I am also trying to see if it is possible for me to be a Magistrate either in KL or in Sabah ( I do need to sit for a few examinations). So, what do you think?

- thought -

Selfishness!!!

I reached home last night at 7pm and found out 2 issues in the house that happen lately. Firstly, there is not enough parking space for all 4 cars. We have a new housemate that moves in recently and she got a car. But because when she moves it, I wasn't here and my car was parked at my brother's place. Now that I am back, someone's car need to be parked somewhere. I was not the latest one who came back from work or outside. One of my housemate was. I used to be very nice to her and always thinking for her and others, but these days, I guess I can't care much. After I was 'accused' or 'blamed' on things which I did extra for them, I was the one who was suffering. So, although I think I can ask for my brother's favour to park my car at their place, but I couldn't care more. I think I am just giong to ignore it and pretending I don't know. Selfish? ... I think so... but if I am not, what different can it makes?

The second issue is our house's last month's water bill is about RM300++. I have told them even before I left that something is wrong with the meter or may be some leaking somewhere and we need to inform the Landlord and the PUAS, but none of them take this seriously. Now, shall we pay for it? I guess that's the different between a lawyer and lay people. They just can't seems to be able to understand the complication when things arise. They love WAITING for things to goes wrong only then try to get things solved. No difference from a criminal, right? ... Kill a person, then look for a lawyer. They think they can be 'free' after that, but that's IMPOSSIBLE. Well, ... at least, the criminal would listen to the lawyer's advice, but not my housemates...they are more stubborn than a cow and not willing to listen to any advice. Not sure why... but I feel so difficult to talk to them these days ... So, my selfish ambitions arose again... do not want to bother. In case of emergency, I move out!!!

There was time where I was blamed for speaking out and giving my opinion. So, I choose not to speak these days, but guess what? They are not blaming me for not caring for the household affair. Hmm.... I am really not sure how to live a peaceful life. May be away from anyone who has soul?...

- confused -

1st day of work!

Left home (PJS 9) at about 7am this morning. Reached office at about 8am. Had my breakfast in the car and came in to this new office at 8:30am. I can't seems to find my car park space that was suppose to be reserved for me as promised, but I found out the reason right after I was attended by the office manager. She forgot that I am suppose to come in today. She thought I am only coming in on next monday (13.02.2006). Well, I will still get my car sticker soon.

I was not give any letter of offer as yet. Not sure the reason behind, but I have start doing work already. I was first given 2 files to draft its statement of claims, then after lunch (accompanied by a good friend just at nearby firm), I was asked to go for an auction. When I return about 15 minutes ago, I was told I need to go to Shah Alam court tomorrow morning. Walau...!!!! I cannot imagine how busy I can be after one week, when I have my practising certificate done. I was told my the clerks that most probably I need to be in court everyday... now, it is time to store up some more black and white clothes...

.... 15 minutes later

I was just called to the Acccount Manager's office to done the last bit of my Practising Certificate application and also to collect my car ticket. Now, I assume there's this space that has been specially reserved for my little blue.... I guess no other little car like mine is so blessed. haha... well, about the letter of offer... haha... the Account Manager totally forgot about it. hahaha... I just reminded her and she is going to pass it to me soon and also, my business card...

OK. Someone text me to ask me if I would like to join them for 'lou shang'. Wow...I personally don't like that kind of food and don't really wish to be go out. But I think I need to put one more efforts to strengthen my friendship and relationship with my friends and housemates. God knows how much damage I caused to it months ago. haha...

I can only access to internet but not messenging. So... no choice... !!! It's better than none ... at least I can still do my research online, which is more than enough...

OK. So far, I am enjoying myself in this firm.

- ok -

1st Day in KL after 4 months!

I arrived at my PJS house at about 2am. My friend who promised to pick me up didn't show up on time. I was quiet upset actually because I really don't like people who didn't fulfil what they promised. But thank God, this friend who are willing to wait with me and he has sort of 'cover my anger' by being with me in the airport. ... So, yes, I arrived at 2am. Can't really unpack. I was too tired to unpack my luaggages and I decided to first find my pillow, then, clean myself up and laid my head straight to the pillow... I didn't realise how fast I went into sleep. But I did realise I turned a few times before that, due to the bad smell in the room. hmm..... not sure what caused all that, but.... the smell is very disturbing. ...
Anyway, I was suppose to go to church at 8 with my 2 relatives, but I couldn't wake up. She called and I asked her to go ahead without me. I continue to sleep until 10:40am... I woke up, clean myself up, washed the toilet and got myself ready for church. Finished church at 1:30pm, went to eat something... get something done, ie. fill up a tank of petrol, get tomorrow's breakfast, get some water, send someone home and here I am, trying to connect to the internet and chat with some friends to make me feel good... !!!
However, I think I missed Tawau and my parents a lot. I can't seems to stop thinking about them and also some really nice friends. At home, no matter how few friends I have, I will still have my parents around to entertain me... but here, .... I think I only have myself and the computer. haha...
Well, I hope my new job is something that I like and at least, something that can keep me occupied and happy and motivated.

********************

These 4 months at home... I finally found where my HOME is. ... It wasn't easy for the 1st month, but thank God that I keep on going to KK and that has keep me occupied. Church ministries and church friends had been truely wonderful. I did met a few wonderful and lovely people... now i started to miss them... !!!But I really thank all of them who treasures me, and who is willing to share with me. I really really enjoy all the moment throughout the whole 4 months...

Thank you....

- miss -

Emotional?

I just hate the feeling...

I just hate this moment came by so quickly...

I just hate leaving HOME again...

I just hate the fact that I can't find any job like those I can get in KL , in Tawau...

I just hate the feeling of starting all over again...

I just hate the feeling of missing my parents...

I just hate the feeling that I need to do everything by myself again...

I HATE IT...

1 day prior to departure!

Hmm.....it is really not easy to understand why such feelings came into me. I thought I didn't want to come back to Tawau 4 months ago and now what? .... I have this mixture of feelings in me...

1. Missing my parents and Tawau (HOME);
2. Scare of not getting used to life in KL; and
3. Nervous about new job and new experiences in KL.

I think I am really in the stage of wondering on the question of "why should I go?" and "Do I really need to go?" My mind, my soul and even my heart is really not settled. I was once again, bother by this question of 'settling down'. I need to stop moving around and settle in a place. But my mind is still thinking of moving again after 2 to 3 years later. ...

I guess my focus now are these:

1. Have a stable finance;

2. To be able to give to my parents;

3. Settle my debts ( accummulate since my Degree);

4. Get myself a MASTER in Law (LL.M); and

5. Go to mission trip every 2 years, if not every year.

So, I guess... living in KL for another 2 to 3 years should make all these possible.

...

Tonight is over. I am going to sleep in a while (11.54pm). But my heart is really not settled. Those feelings stated above still bothering me... and to be honest, it's getting worse!!!

- depress -

2 Days prior to departure!!

It is really not easy!!! I have another one and a half day left before I leave my parents to go back to KL to work. I was pondering over the issue of : Where is my home for years now. I keep on travelling for the past 10 to 12 years and a friend was suggesting that I should stop travelling and moving around, but settle down. Well, I am not sure why I can seems to choose where to settle down and I was asking my mom why can't I get a working place like those in KL to be in Tawau. It's certainly not easy for many to understand what I am struggling. To many, it's me, myself that make a simple thing complicated. Well, I believe, I did in certain points.

When I was thinking and pondering and trying to remember the cause that drew me back to Malaysia about 6 years ago, I started to realise and be reminded on the main reason I left everything in UK and came back to Malaysia. I shall call it 'my mission'. Hmm.... I guess, my mission is not fulfilled yet and that's why I am going back to KL again. I was just talking on line with a friend in England and that she reminded me on that mission again because she also 'received' that mission on Malaysian Christian Conference in England. ... KL OR TAWAU? has came to an end. Tawau is always my HOME. KL is my mission field. I can't settle just like others because others are not given the 'mission', but I did and that's the different.

The most difficult moment now is really to prepare myself to go back to FIGHT . It is really not easy to leave my parents behind... I really wish I can be around them all the time and always accompany them. ... this is too tough for me... to leave them and go... !!!! Hence, it is from the bottom of my heart that, I start missing them already!!!

- miss -