Nostalgia

Hmm...people said, ........ when you have certain memories flashing past you mind.... that's mean....

well, yes... I miss those days....... very much! It's easy to let it gone past... and it is hard to keep it forever... well, what can I say? I want to keep it and I want it back... but it's not up to me to do or say... other parties have to have the same wish too... so, ya.... I am missing it... and that reminds me to see and treasure everyday as if it is the last day of my life...

- nostalgia -

God vs Man? or Man vs God?

As I was writing something at my other blog, I came across the thinking.... and I realised, I have made a mistake. Instead of walking in His Will and making His as the drive and decision make of my life, I have somehow, focus on the needs of this world and persons ... and make God works on the plan I have in mind instead.

So, I wonder.... are we suppose to tell God to help us in our daily life and daily needs or are we suppose to focus on God and see what His Will for us... in order for us to 'get' our daily life and daily needs?

Are we suppose to pray and wait for our life partner to come or are we suppose to find someone and ask God to grant us our request? Do we choose which mission field we should go and ask God to grant us or do we ask God where He wants to send us instead? Are we suppose to plan our future ourselves and ask God to fulfill it or are we suppose to ask God what He has planned for us for our future?

I guess, we all make mistakes............ because of our selfish ambition, and our needs, our urge to have... that we found the 'subject matter' ourselves and ask God to fulfill it.... when God did not, we started to blame God on it.... I wonder, how many mistake like this should we go through in order for us to finally realised, we are at wrong in the first place?

We worry about tomorrow, somehow.... we didn't submit our request to God TODAY..we went through 'tomorrow' and another 'tomorrow' and we still forget to submit our request and focus on Him... we only came across praying and submitting our request to God when we found the 'subject matter' we wanted on 'tomorrow'.

Of course being the gracious God and the decertment His spirit leads us.... we sometimes do know if that's for us or not.... and we asked God to just 'confirm' our request and true enough, He will, He did.... and we are happy about it... but that's because we are so close to Him and that we know His heart....

How many of us know His heart today when it comes to the Will of God? Is it our Will higher than His Will today? If your will is not what His will is.... what do you think He will do? My past experiences told me, all I got is ... anger towards God.

So, I wonder.... what drives your life today? Is it God or a person or your career or your family or yourself? If it is the latter, ... you might want to 'seek ye first the Kingdom of God....'. because we can never win over God.

- God vs Man? or Man vs God? -

Everyday!

As I was standing at my housemate's room, looking through the window into the view outside the apartment, I am seriously trying to treasure every moment and everyday I can spend at this city.... I just hope... time won't pass by too fast until the time is up... !

Yes, I am feeling it already....

- Everyday! -

Trying hard!

I just want to say, it has been hard and despites how hard I tried, I still failed. I am tired of trying.... shall I just give up?

Another few months and this year will end. I have enough works to fill up all the dates and schedule until the year end. I need a new diary as my next date could be some time after 27th December 2010 (for now, that is the last hearing date I got). When the time is reaching the end of this year, I am reminded that the time frame I set for myself to stay in this firm is ending too. Yes, this issues bothers me ever since July and since I have promise to stay on for at least a year, I will stay on until the end of this year. However, I am already trying to search for a better opportunity/work, be it in KK or Tawau or even as far as Singapore. Errr, ya, I am leaving KL's option as I really don't like that part of the world too much (even though I am used to the place).

Well, I am seriously trying hard to cope, with works, with ministries, with life..........

Lord, help me...........

- Trying Hard ! -

Are you happy?

It's a valid question I think... to ask someone and even to myself from time to time. Well, it's a sermon addressed to us last sunday and a topic we were suppose to discuss in cell group this week. Well, I didn't go to cell this week because I seriously do not know how to answer the question.... wait, no.. it's not I do not know whether I am happy or not, it is obvious... I am not happy, but I just do not know how to solve the problem.

It's the work/job that I have now that I am not happy about. I am not sure how should I put it, but I seriously not satisfied with the pay, and with the amount of works I get. I am basically not paid to stay in the office to look after the firm, but I am doing it for the past few months. I don't see fairness... yes, speaking of lawyer who is performing something/some work/some services without seeing the fairness of it is the most difficult part in life......and/or in this profession.

More so, I am lacking of friends/people arounds me,.... no. I am not saying I do not have a soul besides me. I thank God He provides me with some very close friends, friends which is just a call away.... and friends who will stay and care even though I scolded an got angry on them unreasonably. But ... i am feeling lonely in the office, in work, in court, and even in class.... I am just feeling so .... 'empty' and 'lonely'. Yes... this can be from the heart... but I am feeling it physically too..........!!!!

In terms of ministries in church, I am not happy because I cannot agree with the different views of church leaders on ministries... most of them are concentrating on the 'work' park then ministries.............. said I do not understand and/or that I have a higher standard on ministries... but yes, I am not satisfied with how things are going in church... i am not satisfied on the fact that people are relying on their own understanding then by faith. I cannot understand why people can be so shortsighted in their vision...etc. etc.

I went home for a day and I came to know that I am also not satisfied of being me... at home... I am not satisfied that I am from this family. I am not satisfied that I am not doing good enough as a daughter of my parents.... I am simply not satified and not happy about life.. in general, I think.

With all those financial obligations, life in general and all... if you are asking me whether I am happy, the answer is a straight NO, I AM NOT!

Friends has been reminded me that I am not seeing it because I am not happy with God and I am basically not focuing in Him and my joy is not found.... in Him. Well, perhaps... I am ... I really need time to ponder and recover from this....and try to be happy again.... please do not push me to recover now... I am at a very rebellious stage at the moment.................

- Are you happy? -

Explaination?

While this 'talk' goes on and I was being said that what I did was to make myself feel better and ... I seriously ponder over this ... before I did all that. After I have done it, the answer is a straight forward NO. Simply because I am still feeling regret, sad and unhappy about it. No. I didn't get a good sleep for the past 2 nights either. Not at all... hence, the saying that I am doing it to make myself feel better is somehow not true. Worse still, I am feeling like a failure. Failed to make things clear, failed to convey what I want to say and/or my concern is and I think I have made a wrong impression to the recepient. If you ask me today, besides I managed to ask for forgiveness, I seriously don't feel any better at all. Yes, my emotion is still instable and I seriously need help.

As I was pondering over things and talked about things, I was told of the "E + R = O" reality. Event plus Respond = Outcome. I think I seriously need to learn how to 'respond' so that the outcome will be out correctly. Futhermore, as much as I do not know why and how I reacted the other day, I found out that I was and is stress... and stress makes me stupid. I need a congnitive behavioural approach to move out of primitive brain into rationa brain. I am learning it... even though I know I might not be able to 'graduate' from that, but I am trying my very best...

Again, I am sorry... I will try harder to make it a success.

- Explaination? -

I am sorry!

Yes, it is a phrase of words which doesn't come out of our mouth easily. I always do not know how I should react towards it when one said it to me. When things didn't go well between me and another party, I will not say it, especially when I am of the opinion that it is not my fault. Oh well, I think I forgot, most of the time that, only when we are both see each other's fault that makes the situation as 'conflict'. Oh well, I am seriously sorry for being who I was... I mean it...

There's too many area in my life that needs to be changed and I am confessing it here so that, I do not give myself another reason to 'run away' from my own responsibilities. Yes, there are areas in my life which are taboo... and when it is 'hit' by words and/or action, it will somehow triggled my anger, hurts and unforgiveness. To protect myself, my method usually is to defend myself by hurtful words, by even hurtful action. Action, is the last thing I want to use (yes, I did used that before, but that was before I came to know Christ), but somehow, when I am pushed to the last bit, I would somehow reacted, unintentionally. I cannot recall when was the last time I reacted so badly.... but I was bad enough last night... to a very dear friend and dear sister.

I was totally out of my mind. I was not myself. No. I didn't feel any better after that... not even now. I seriously regret for what I did, what I said, what I did not do, even what I did not say.

Lord, please forgive me.... besides the person whom I am asking forgiveness from, I seriously am asking you, Lord, to forgive me! I am sorry...

I promise you, that I will try harder to make things work.... in me and in this relationship! Give me another chance....

- I am sorry! -

Whose?

I am doing some part time teaching recently ... and my students consist of those who are very good law background to those who has none and some, the can understand what I want to tell them very easily (and they said i am too slow in my teaching) and some, they couldn't understand anything at all (they said I am too fast in my teaching) and it is so hard to put a balance and cater the needs of both groups. Hence, I am basically not pleasing anyone at all... in fact, I am causing both of the groups to 'suffer' and I am seriously not feeling good about it. However, I do expect that the weaker group can do more efforts in their readings, in their research and all and the stronger group will be able to just relax and try to find MORE cases and all in support of their argument. Somehow, it's seriously.... not about what a teacher can do becaues it seems like, the problem lies on the student, their ability to capture what they need to.

In the same way, in church... our spiritual level is also different from each other and worse still, we have different needs, different age groups and different background of the people. Besides the gospel and the salvation, I would think, it is hard for the preacher to come up with something which can cater for the needs of everyone on sunday. I think somehow, one will have to put their own efforts into getting MORE if one thinks the sermons/preaching is not enough for themselves... It's just too hard for the preacher to preach on a sermon to cater for everyone's need... don't you think?

I am not sure... may be we should be the one doing the 'research' if we think we wants more...

- Whose? -

Report upwards!

The worries and issues that's in my heart...................... was partly being released this evening during a meeting. Many heard it for the first time and some, was reminded of the issues I brought to them earlier on of which, they have failed to take it seriously. I have been reminded that I should report it upwards (i do know that I should do that, but I have been trying not to because things will not be the same anymore if i do), and hence, I did it. To the shock of many, I guess in a way, I have now, make them worries............... Well, at least, issues are highlighted and be it all these issues can be solved or not at the end of the day, my conscience is clear now that, I have done what I should and what I need to.

A friend has reminded me to 'submit all these in prayer' this morning (05.10.2010) and I did... just that, I somehow, lost the trust on people, completely.... (ya, hence, the needs of focusing in Him, right?)

Well, I hope my worries are not 'eating me up' ... and so, by sharing this and reported upwards, I actually feels better... However, it's almost impossible not to worry.............. because I do care! Of course, who am I and how much can I do?

- Report upwards! -

Worries...

The definition of the word "Worry" according to Oxford Dictionaries: -

verb (worries, worrying, worried)
1. feel or cause to feel anxious or troubled about actual or potential problems:
[no object] :
he worried about his soldier sons in the war

[with clause] :
I began to worry whether I had done the right thing

[with object] :
there was no need to worry her
(as adjective worried) expressing anxiety:
there was a worried frown on his face
[with object] (worry something out) discover or solve something by persistent thought:
children should be allowed to pause in their reading to worry out a meaning

2. [with object] annoy or disturb:
the noise never really stops , but it doesn't worry me

3. [with object] (of a dog or other carnivorous animal) tear at or pull about with the teeth:
I found my dog contentedly worrying a bone (of a dog ) chase and attack (livestock, especially sheep)

4 [no object] (worry at) pull at or fiddle with repeatedly:
he began to worry at the knot in the cord.

Yes, I am worry... worry about the welfare of people especially those who are close to me, and those who are under my care. It is not very easy to be someone's friend, and someone's leader. Somehow, this burden in me to look after the welfare of people is IN me and hence, it is so hard to let me to just say, "Let him/her be" especially when I know something not good is going happen. No, I am no prophets, neither am I a superwomen or have some supernatural power that I can foresee things in the future. But the decernment that God has given me over this, is strong enough for me to 'feel' the different. Yes, I know you will say I should just trust them and let them accountable to God themselves. True, that's a good 'excuse'. To me, I don't see why one would accountable to God in the first place if they cannot be accountable to themselves and their friends and/or leader. As a human being, I won't talk about God because it's easy to be accountable to God then to people around us - God will forgives anyway and He will understands... (excuses I called).

Oh well, why and what makes me worry? Simple, I guess because I care. If I tell you I am not worry about you, there will be only 2 reasons for it. One, that you have gained my trust, 100% because you have proved that you can handle it. Secondly, I do not care about you at all.

Well, I get more worries when you have broken the former scenario. If the second scenario happen, of course, you won't get any 'concern' from me at all because I might consider you do not worth my concern at all (very rarely, but.. will explain later), and the worry part will not even steps in.

There will be time where I don't bothers and/or concern at all because you have decided not to accountable to me, nor wanting me to be part of it and ignoring every reminders I gave. When this happen, yes, I will not bother at all and I am adapting the "if you want to die, I will let you die" principle.

Recently, there's too many things to worry about and seriously, not all of those cause me to have sleepless nights... nothing worries me then the welfare of a person who is under my care and/or someone whom I consider as 'close'. When line was crossed and they seems perfectly alright about it (by giving me excuses to explained him/herself), that worries me even more because I know they are not in their right mind already and they have been brainwashed. Of course, I do believe, besides the party concerned, there's 3rd party who also contributed towards it.

Is it so hard to resist the temptation? I believe at all time, it is... when we put our brain aside and our feeling first...

Worries... I must say I am worry about others, more than myself ... and it is so hard not to worry!

- worries ... -

Future plan...

Oh well, since the beginning of this year, things has been difficult and more so, when things arounds me gets worse every single day without improving and hence, instead of being able to focus, I have lost focus and have been feeling depressed (issues highlighted at another site). The 'what's next' plan is there. Friends has been good to send me job vacancies and many has given me all sorts of suggestion. I have thought about Master Degree and Theological studies and all and due to depression, I am also advised that I shouldn't make any major decision for now. Hence, I am not doing any at the moment.

However, I am feeling quite positive that I should move on as I see no purpose and reason why I should stay here in this place as it only depressed me and demoralising me... so, yes, the time frame is still on and I have decided to move on regardless whether I am thinking sensibly.

Oh well, guess I should use these few months to get the best out of this current situation and be happy... meanwhile, decide on that one option out of many options...

God, show me the way! (that has been my prayer for the past 9 months)

- future plan ... -