What will catch your attention?

Burning bush caught Moses attention and we shared in our cell meeting last night that, there's many things and circumstances will catch our attention... and mine in particular, I was reminded that, it's Him who shut all the doors years ago that made me came to this city. Some people won't notice what God wants to tell us when we are happy and we can handle our life well. We put on our 'auto-pilot' button and we won't notice God's presence. Often, people will only realised they need God and God is there when they meet some 'disaster' in life and the first question they asked, not "why have i forgotten about my God?", but "Where are you, God?" "Do you really exist?", "Why have you forsaken me?".

Funny isn't it? What will catch you attention today, this moment? Did you notice God is speaking to you? Or, did you only heard what your heart said, what your boss said, what your friends said, what your colleagues said, what's your parents said, what's your boyfriend or girlfriend said?

Weird.... we said we need God only for a while? Is that what we are saying? Hmm...

I hope your answer to my question today is not 'when disaster happens'. If it is, God bless you!

- What will catch your attention? -

How does it feel?

Often, I encountered people releasing their disagreement towards the Lord's and His way of ruling this world.. most of the time, the disagreement caused by the servant of God and not the Lord Himself... and that doesn't count... people will jsut focus on God and so, immediately, we forgot about His first love.... Bible told us, God loves us when we were still sinner... the love is unconditional and that's Him, our Lord... our Father in heaven... He loves us... We can understand that prefectly ...

But when it comes to involving in ministries.... we always take second thoughts of whether we should or should not. We were taught we shouldn't 'negotiate' with God in terms of ministries because we serves, because He loves us. As human being, we started somehow... to 'reasoned' with God on this issue. We smartly put across reasons like, "God... it should be unconditional love. Even if I do not serve you in your House, you should love me, isn't it?" and often, we said, "God should loves us and He won't ask us to love Him in return". Is this correct? I mean, isn't this 'biblical'?

As human being, many times, God shows and convicted in my heart that I should love people arounds me unconditionally. I love Christ Church Likas even though I know this church is not lovable. I love certain non-believers even though they do not know Christ. I love certain friends knowing that they do not care much about me and ... I was convinced that I should love them because God loves me. However, ... I am much being revealed lately that, people has been using the same excuses over me. "You shouldn't ask us to return what you did to us". "You shouldn't expect returns when you first love us". Hmm... when the words spoken to me... it hurts... so much so that, I wonder for a while, if I really asking a return or rather, is it my expecatation. Seriously, it never crossed my mind, but when the words was spoken... my heart sore and my heart broke... is this what people think why I care for them? Of all those I did when they needed me, that's all they thought I am? That I exepct too much? I am sure God feels the same too when we spoke those words to Him because that's not His intention in the first place. He didn't expect us to return anything to Him... [please, who is able to?] He doesn't need our services ... He is God for goodness sake... and... we serves, because we want to love Him back... it's us, it's for our own benefit, it is for our own growth, it is for us to know Him more. Serving is not about God... it's about us........yes, US!

For the past few years, I was being 'included' in my friends' plan, for trips, for holiday, for meals, for movie and for almost everything ... life was 'difficult' for them then and they needed help. I was there to help and even to make decision for myself, i have to consider them, their needs, etc. However, that doesn't count anymore today. All I received as return was not them being around when I needed a hand, an ear... but, a complain of asking me why should I expect things from them. To come to think of it, I feel so much like they took me for granted, for for once or twice, but for years.... That's because they have now in the stage of 'independent' and they do not need me anymore. They know the ways to the places now, they know how to handle life, they have more friends, they can get their life sorted out and all they say now is, "you shouldn't expect us to return favour to you". Seriously, it hurts.. very hurt. When they needs me, they will 'includes' me.. when I expect them to 'includes' me, then, i found out, they have grown up and they have 'excluded' me without even informed me.

I am sure God is feeling the same too. When we need God... we pray... so fervently until the sky also cried with us. We asked, we trusted Him so much. We read the bible everyday, we pray every moment and we believe in Him to deliver. When our lives get better... that's what we will say: "You shouldn't expect us to return favour to you". We started to not going to church, not reading bible, not ever pray, ... Are we taking God for granted?

When my heart broke, it reminds me that God hearts was broken too... because of what I did...

How much more longer for us to realise that we shouldn't hurt Him anymore and start serving Him?

- How does it feel? -

Food!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ya... I have been wanting to eat food... and it's hard to keep track what I have been eating for the past 2 days... goodness... it has been quite a bit seriously... from cakes, cookies, rice, noodle, pork, chicken, rambutan, langsat, duck, vegetables, etc. etc. etc... and I just had a full bowl of rice with a stir fry vegetables and yet... I am hungry again! I guess.. somehow, from someone who hates food, I becoming to likes it to much...........this is dangerous, don't you think? hahahaha...

- food -

Emotionally challenged!

It has been for a while now...

Well, I am not sure if a lawyer should be good in their EQ, but seriously, I think that's the reason why we lawyer quit practise after a while. We can be physically so tired due to reading, thinking and arguing. More over, there are challenges from client, from opponent and from the judges that causes us to be so emotionally challenged. Seriously, I thought that's just because they are 'work'...

But I got so tired physically and emotionally lately not due to work alone... but due to church ministries. Seriously, when 2 items came at the same time instead of one, I find it too hard to cope.

Oh well... due to all these, and without a listening ears which I can share (most of the matters are private and confidential), I find myself just about to collapse... and just about then, I am reminded of Psalm 23 and a book written by Max Lucardo, "Travelling Light"...

Yes, again, I am 'going back' to the previous me... where I used to only talk to God! or rather, where I CAN ONLY talk to God. ... Lord... yes... I need you and you heard what I said to you. Please intervene... and help me to put all the burdens in you ... and relax... !

Yes... I am just about to gone insane, Lord!!! [thank God my EQ is very high, otherwise, I can't imagine]

- Emotionally challenged! -

Death!

It could be age, it could be too lonely, it could be anything... it just happen that this topic keep flashing in my mind these few days! Yes, I know many do know I always wanted to die young, for a very simple reason... I hate this world. If you have not know the reason until now, well, let me reveal to you, that, I hate this world. Can't be true? Why? Because I have a wonderful parents, a loving brother and his family and a respectable career and lots of friends? Hmm... oh well, that's what EVERYONE is hoping to have isn't it? Ya, I got them all... and all those dropped from heaven... by God to my hand. I don't own them seriously.... one day, all these will fade away. First thing first, friends... I can't seems to have close friends to be precise. Ya, it's just me... people just doesn't count me as their close and good friend, that's all... so, none of my friend stays as close friend after a while and then... I started to realised they started to betrayed me, they started to look down at me, they started to... whatever it is. You name them! [it's painful to count them now]. Then... job, which seriously I do not think it will last forever..and then of course family... well, everybody knows I don't have my own family. So.... which of those are what you call, a 'good life'... besides... having God?

I started to realised I can only rely on God and trust Him when I was as young as 7 years old [i know i am pathetic] and so, of all my day and night... I just want to be with Him. So, the idea of wanting to die young created ever since then.

Death... I happen to attend 2 funeral services within a month time and in both occassion, it's like a reminder from God for me not to put any hope on people arounds me. As I was trying to imagine how death would be, I was driven back to the day I was being anesthetic during an operation about 2 years ago. My memories suddenly recalled the incident recently. It's seriously not a very good memory... Oh well... death... am I thinking about death? Hmm... I think I am...

- Death -

Conflict Style Description

I was thought of these few conflict style description during a few hours of seminar by John Ng during the Eagle Leadership Conference. I must tell you, I had a dilemma when during the whole conference as I was asked to think of someone whom I always have conflicts with and than, focus on the issues and try to resolve the conflict arounds it. Oh well, when I was asked to pair with a pastor and talked about it (we knew each other), I ended up having problem finding that 'someone'. Not that I don't have, .... just that... well, you will see when I put on the conflict style description as stated below (I will explain mine in a while): -

(a) Constant Naggings

(b) Harsh Start-ups

(c) Criticism

(d) Contempt

(e) Defensiveness

(f) Stonewalling

(g) One Leg Kicking (the subject falling into the same pattern of behaviour and using the same style in dealing with the conflicts that arise with the other party).

(h) Failure in Repair and Failure to Repair

(i) Smiling Tiger; Hidden Dragon (the subject behaving as if everything is okay towards the conflicting party even though the subject is still angry. The subject also acts as if things are fine in the presence of external parties such as friends and relatives, as he/she does not want external parties to know about his/her problems, even though much resentment and anger still resides in the subject's heart.

(j) Confession Approach

(k) Physical Violence

(l) More Negativity than Positivity

After we were told of these styles, we were all given a test. This it he most difficult test ever because I couldn't think of anyone and so, a person came into mind and I did the test based on this person.

The test shown that, I have always used this conflict styles: Stonewalling and Smiling Tiger, Hidden Dragon.

Yes, in any and every conflicts situation, these styles seems to came in and either you will see me smile and pretend I don't feel anytihng or you will see me listening without any action and let the other party to finish it and leave. But I must remind you, that as it is described, you will add on hurts and angers in me ... and as a human being, it will burst one day!

Ya... if you are about to or planned to have a conflict with me in near future, bear in mind this, that I might 'assess' you based on what I learn at Eagle Leadership Conference. hahahaha... see, I am taking conflict as 'fun' too... isn't that cool?

- Conflict Style Description -

Lesson!

Oh well... I am attending Eagle Leadership Conference held at Kota Kinabalu, Sabah. Today is the second day and I must admit that I benefited from it a lot. Well, I have been reminded of how to be a listener to avoid conflict and also to be a good leader/king.

But when I came home, I realised, I am not having problem with listening, I am having problem finding listener arounds me...............I did wanted to share the happiness I experienced today, but.... well, no listener... after 1 minute of talking, I HAVE TO shut up........... Oh well, may be it is time to go back to the 'old me' ... to 'prayed' (those of you who attended the conference, will know what it means) [*I am doing the fingers*]. Hmm...........OK. OK. I will S.U.M.O.

- Lesson! -

Unexpected!

I was being assigned by another lawyer to handle her mother's matter to go against another lawyer. Ya... i know this is complicated. It gets more complicated when later, the one who is being sued (defendant), filed an application to bring in a third party who is the father of the lawyer to assigned me. I was seriously angry and furious when I was served a notice to add the third party into the suit and I have always wanted to strike the application out.

I have been having 'worries' in me since last week (that's the main cause why I couldn't sleep well for the past one week until today) as the hearing for my application to strike out the Defendant's application is fixed for hearing today. I have filed and served my written submission but yet, I am having this feeling that this morning's hearing won't be as easy as getting a ruling date. Well, both the Defendant's lawyer and myself were present this morning and we both agreed that we should just get a ruling date. Well, unexpectedly, the Judge (my favourite judge so far) has asked us if we are ready for hearing today. Well, I am and that's the reason why I was reading and preparing for today's hearing last night. Well, ...

Court gave us 30 minutes to prepare and after the 30 minutes, my case was called and there we go, giving our oral submission. I have no idea how good or how bad it was,... things got through and the judge seems agreed with my point and has questioned the defendant badly and at the end, he granted to me my application to strike out the third party notice and statement of claim.

Seriously, this is unexpectedly. But after all the worries I got, well, at least it's worth it by succeeded in my application filed.

- unexpected! -

Timing!

I was talking to a friend about timing.... as the bible has taught us, everything has its time and so, I always try to remind myself about doing different things at a different timing. My nephew always asked me to play with him during meal time and I asked him why did he always ask me to play with him during meal time and not after meal time. He laughed. I know he knew he shouldn't but he just want to make sure I get annoyed and see if I will break the rules.

I was very free two weeks ago and hence, I planned to get things done before the busy days arrives. However, during my free time, people who should give me information have been busy with things and hence, they weren't be able to furnish me with information I needed. My busy days has arrived since last week and somehow, other people are free now and so, they bothers me. One by one... I am not sure why didn't they want to look for me last week or so... and why didn't they come yesterday or Monday where I am less busy then today and the following days? Hmm.. it's just so weird of how free I can be some time and how busy I can be on another time.

Well, speaking on demanding. Many thought I am demanding for the past 2 weeks because I was free and I wanted things to be done and so people thought I pushed them too much. Now, the time is closer and closer to the due date and now, they are pushing me by calling me, my sms me to get things done and seriously, I didn't have the time to rush for them now. Time is one of the reason, the others would be, ... why now? Yeah... suddenly, I just have the "don't want to bother" momentum in me...

Ya... wrong timing that is... speaking of workload, seriously, I do not think anyone whom i know has more than what I have. Yes, I am told I have a choice to not attend some of the conferences. If you give me the choice and the freedom to choose, priority wise, I think there's only one I shouldn't even bother and that's the one I do not have momentum in. So... I hope things won't be last minute (I am not a last minute person at all) and I hope they don't come to me on a WRONG TIMING!

- Timing! -