How does it feel?

Often, I encountered people releasing their disagreement towards the Lord's and His way of ruling this world.. most of the time, the disagreement caused by the servant of God and not the Lord Himself... and that doesn't count... people will jsut focus on God and so, immediately, we forgot about His first love.... Bible told us, God loves us when we were still sinner... the love is unconditional and that's Him, our Lord... our Father in heaven... He loves us... We can understand that prefectly ...

But when it comes to involving in ministries.... we always take second thoughts of whether we should or should not. We were taught we shouldn't 'negotiate' with God in terms of ministries because we serves, because He loves us. As human being, we started somehow... to 'reasoned' with God on this issue. We smartly put across reasons like, "God... it should be unconditional love. Even if I do not serve you in your House, you should love me, isn't it?" and often, we said, "God should loves us and He won't ask us to love Him in return". Is this correct? I mean, isn't this 'biblical'?

As human being, many times, God shows and convicted in my heart that I should love people arounds me unconditionally. I love Christ Church Likas even though I know this church is not lovable. I love certain non-believers even though they do not know Christ. I love certain friends knowing that they do not care much about me and ... I was convinced that I should love them because God loves me. However, ... I am much being revealed lately that, people has been using the same excuses over me. "You shouldn't ask us to return what you did to us". "You shouldn't expect returns when you first love us". Hmm... when the words spoken to me... it hurts... so much so that, I wonder for a while, if I really asking a return or rather, is it my expecatation. Seriously, it never crossed my mind, but when the words was spoken... my heart sore and my heart broke... is this what people think why I care for them? Of all those I did when they needed me, that's all they thought I am? That I exepct too much? I am sure God feels the same too when we spoke those words to Him because that's not His intention in the first place. He didn't expect us to return anything to Him... [please, who is able to?] He doesn't need our services ... He is God for goodness sake... and... we serves, because we want to love Him back... it's us, it's for our own benefit, it is for our own growth, it is for us to know Him more. Serving is not about God... it's about us........yes, US!

For the past few years, I was being 'included' in my friends' plan, for trips, for holiday, for meals, for movie and for almost everything ... life was 'difficult' for them then and they needed help. I was there to help and even to make decision for myself, i have to consider them, their needs, etc. However, that doesn't count anymore today. All I received as return was not them being around when I needed a hand, an ear... but, a complain of asking me why should I expect things from them. To come to think of it, I feel so much like they took me for granted, for for once or twice, but for years.... That's because they have now in the stage of 'independent' and they do not need me anymore. They know the ways to the places now, they know how to handle life, they have more friends, they can get their life sorted out and all they say now is, "you shouldn't expect us to return favour to you". Seriously, it hurts.. very hurt. When they needs me, they will 'includes' me.. when I expect them to 'includes' me, then, i found out, they have grown up and they have 'excluded' me without even informed me.

I am sure God is feeling the same too. When we need God... we pray... so fervently until the sky also cried with us. We asked, we trusted Him so much. We read the bible everyday, we pray every moment and we believe in Him to deliver. When our lives get better... that's what we will say: "You shouldn't expect us to return favour to you". We started to not going to church, not reading bible, not ever pray, ... Are we taking God for granted?

When my heart broke, it reminds me that God hearts was broken too... because of what I did...

How much more longer for us to realise that we shouldn't hurt Him anymore and start serving Him?

- How does it feel? -