Funny...

I received 4 copies of Grant of Probate on my table this morning. I am suppose to receive 5 copies but I only receive 4. I know the court always mess up things. I don't blame them all. I know all of them are busy. What I really received this morning was 4 copies of each of the 3 documents but yet, I only received 3 complete sets and 1 set without one of the document("B") and have 3 extra on another document("C"). So, I asked my colleague to go back to the court with the extra document C and asked for another set of document B.

When I got back from lunch and after meeting client, one of my colleague told me there's this lady called from the High Court wasn't sound happy. I answered the phone call. The moment I picked up and said 'hello' (yes, I do say "hello" to all the formal calls), she keeps asking why I made her life difficult and why am I sending back document C to her, bla bla bla... for a while. I tried to explain but she was full of confidence thinking that what she knew is sufficient enough to make me say "I am wrong". For a moment of silent, only then I manage to put my words forward to her. I told her, I received extra document C and I wonder if it should be in her file instead of mine. And I requested one set of document B only from her. She took about 2 minutes to check the file and only then she admitted that she has made a mistake and said "OK, ask your office boy to come back to see me", I said thank you and hanged up.

For a moment I just ponder over people's attitudes... and I wonder, if I was the one who was at fault in the first place - by sending my colleague to bring the document back to her. She didn't even apologise on whatever words she put on me earlier and she didn't even thank me for sending back her copies to her.

People is funny... that's what I can gather for now... and I seriously having problem dealing with people.

- funny -

Hurt...

After cell group last night, I wonder for a moment what is pain and suffering means... and while I was pondering, something happen that really hurts and so I wonder if they are related somehow. I am sure you can understand that the pain and suffering we talked about was about what we feel and suffer when we bear the cross of Christ and it has nothing to do in particular with the hurts that I am going through.

I searched for the word "hurt" this morning and this is what the Oxfort Dictionary states:

hurt

• verb (past and past part. hurt) 1 cause or feel physical pain or injury. 2 cause or feel mental pain or distress.

• noun injury or pain; harm.

— ORIGIN Old French hurter ‘to strike’.

I can quite comfirm that I am suffering from a mental pain or distress and it strike me deep over a few things. I am seriously hurt.

- hurt -

Expectation!

I have been bothered by people's expectation all these while but things got worse lately as I have failed to acknowledged some sort of 'expectation' from others towards me. I hate words that was indirect and yet was clear to my conscience. I don't know how I should put it but I can tell you, it hurts. It literally means 'failure' to me. These few months, I have just failed to lives a life as someone's daughter, someone's sister, someone's friend, someone's cousins, someone's aunty, someone's colleague and someone's cell leader. I am feeling that I have failed to be me.

Yet, to my suprise, I am feeling comfortable somehow to be at where I am now (may be for a while). I have started my 'defence' by withdrawing myself out from the 'normal' me. i.e. withdrawing myself to be gather with people I always gather with, withdrawing myself from caring for that certain people, withdrawing myself from doing things I used to do, etc. etc. (If you haven't realise yet, I will withdraw myself from all these if you keep hurting me with words, action, etc. ) It's FUN to be able to gather with new people and new things, talking on different topics and let others to care for me instead of caring for others.

However, without realising, due to my selfishness, I have somehow caused others to think that I don't really bother about what I bothered before. People started to feel dejected by my actions and yet, no one ever try to ask me why I am doing this. It's an expectation that people 'set' on me. They expect me to be ME like always before for ever and ever and I will be happy. Somehow, I feel pressured by people's expectation on me. If you remember, I hate unnecessary stress and when I said I HATE it, I mean I will react against it (could also include no reaction towards it at all) when you impose it on me.

Some people just know what they should do to make me draw closer to them and some people, just failed to see the point and some, they have tried, but it got worse. I guess, some people just got it right and most just got me feel not only tired with it, but withdrawing myself to continue to associate with him/her.

Anyhow, I do appreciate those who has been around me for the past few months, the toughest moment of my life. It's a process that I don't know if many would understand. It was tough and it was scary. You have 'saved' me just before I commit 'suicide'. I thank you for you patience, your tolerant, your understanding, your love and care, your sacrifies, etc. etc. You just happen to me the 'angle' of my life. Thank you...

- expectation -

This week...

Since I will only have my Chinese New Year leave starting on 6th afternoon, I really feel 'lazy' to work this week. Came in to office and trying to sort out my phone bill and other thing and a few matters came up which need my attention. Sorted most of it by now and that's why I am here, posting 'something'. The thing about law profession is that, matters won't stop and we, the lawyer, cannot just take leave and go for holiday. It's so impossible to take a long period holiday and to be safe, now a day, I can only make sure that my holiday is secure by booking on the public holidays and trust me, even that, clients will call me on public holiday.

I can't remember when was it started, but I have this mentality lately, that if I do not have any works on that particular day, I will just treat it as my holiday. I'll try to relax and do my own things on that day. However, if it is so happen that I need to 'work' on weekend or public holiday, I will work. So, my working hours will never stop and my rest day also is never fixed.

Today, my colleague and I plan to go around some clients' office to wish them have a Happy Chinese New Year and also giving them some oranges and after that, might drop by my uncle's place to pass him some documents. So... today's mission is to go 'kai kai' ....

- this week -

Lawyer....

Went to lunch with 3 accountants and one of them were telling us that there's this client called the office this morning asking to see a particular person but the person he wanted to see was absent from work today, so... she conveyed the information to the client. It seems like the client didn't want to accept the fact and he start shouting and even threaten to destroy the report if he didn't get to talk to the person NOW. And accordingly, he hanged the phone. After she told us the story, we gathered that, all clients are weird, inconsiderate and always love to threaten us.

In order to contribute to the ‘joke’ we had, I told them what happen to me on last Friday.

I noticed that an Order has been extracted from the High Court placed on my table when I entered my room and as normal, I took the file and check on every details. We have done the work on this file for this client for the past 8 months and though I thought it will be stuck somewhere months ago, but the Judge granted to me what I want on my last hearing nevertheless. I looked at the file, checking on whether I have left out something and before I call him, I realize he has not paid my bill yet. Before I billed him, I did told him that in order for me to try not to get this matter stuck somewhere, I do need to file in another application and that will cost an additional fees and he did know that.

I called him right after I confirmed the amount to be collected and without feeling grateful, he scolded me instead when I called him on Friday. For about 10 minutes, I really asked myself if I should be getting all that from him. I was happy managed getting the Order for him, but he doesn’t seem happy about it. He scolded me for about 20 minutes first on the fees and the bill, secondly on how I deal with him, etc. I seriously cannot recall any time that he came to my office and meet me. From the moment he called me, I have been collecting all the documents and so on from him from his house and yet, when he scolded me for my ‘service’ and ‘efficiency’, I was furious. I let him talk whatever he feels like talking for about 10 minutes and when he stopped, I started mine for about 10 minutes. I was seriously offended and as I spoke, I stand up from where I was and shouted at him. He asked therefore to refer to my previous letter and he said he will call back. I hanged the phone and when I walked out from my room, my colleagues were looking at me and asked what happen. I told them, they said I did a good job. 5 minutes later, he called back and apologizing and he asked if I can deliver the Order and the original documents to him immediately. I told him I will try to make it today, but otherwise, I will go there on Monday morning. (FYI, I went this morning instead as I couldn’t locate him when I left office on Friday).

******
Due to electricity cut off, my boss came in to my place to chat for a while. He was asking me when I am going back to Tawau for Chinese New Year… and here’s another story of mine…

******

I arrived office about 10 this morning after I delivered the marked examination papers to the college (was told that I’ll be paid for marking papers, how nice!) and delivered the documents to my client. I saw this paper on my table and I noticed there’s this ‘Notice of Hearing’ on my tray. I looked at the date without knowing which case it is and the date appeared to be 06th day of February 2008. I couldn’t believe my eyes and I read again on the second copy and see if it’s really 06 and not 05. It IS 06th day of February 2008. Only about 3 weeks ago I have decided to go back to Tawau for Chinese New Year and I had decided to go back on the evening of 5th February instead but… a court case is now fixed on 6th day of February 2008. I used to be very ‘emotional’ on sudden movement in my life, but after an incident, I have learned a lesson and therefore, I sat down, do my other works and didn’t bother about this matter for a while. Just before it reached lunch time, I called MAS to check how much I need to pay in the event if I changed the date, etc. Yes… I am going back Tawau on 6th afternoon instead …. My friend said I can still make it for steam chicken. Hahahahaha….

As there’s no electricity, I shall therefore go to get my ticket done…

- lawyer -

Unpleasant feeling...

I was in bed yesterday morning when one of my phone made a sound indicating I received an sms. I didn't bother at first to look at it as it came in at a very wrong time. However, it did bother me till I couldn't continue with my sleeps. I got up after a 10 minutes lying down on my warm and comfortable bed. Took my phone, checked the sms. It's from my dad. The message was short but precise. "Hi, how are you lately? Busy? Mom is asking about you." Of course I replied the sms immediately telling him that I am doing fine and I will call them soon. No reply from them after I sent mine. I thought I should call them later in the evening but just when I was on my way to the college, mom called me, asking if I am doing fine, etc. etc. etc. etc. Even though I was driving (without handsfree then), but I didn't want to end the conversation. I was trying to send across some 'comfortable' and 'convincing' messages to make her feel better. From the topic about what I am up to lately, we changed topic to my nephew's birthday last sunday, etc. etc. and I was also telling her I am going back for Chinese New Year in 2 weeks time, etc. etc. I can feel that she's feeling more 'comfortable' after the conversation.

The unpleasant feeling I got, was that I made my parents worried about me. I don't like to make people arounds me worried about me even thought in the last tele-conversation I had with my parents they did tried to 'convinced' me that I should tell them in any event if I need their help and that I should tell them everything. I guess, I somehow, got them to worried about me and my current situation. My mother, however... due to her multiple experiences with the Lord, has not forgotten to encouraged me by telling me that God will provide and He is there for us.

My parents are the most wonderful parents... and because of that, I feel that I have in many ways, disappointed them and that's what I am feeling now... it's an unpleasant feeling...

- unpleasant feeling -

FULL STOP!

Don't get me wrong on yesterday's post. I wasn't saying those who has been always care for me shouldn't call me. I was just saying, ... for those who never did, if you call me after you read my blog, I would doubt how sincere you are. Anyway, let forget about this topic.

************************

I came into office early this morning to finish marking my students' examination papers (8 left before I went to bed last night at 2am), and while I was marking the last 3 papers, the electricity in my office went off AGAIN. God knows and some of you do know how often this happen to this mall. Yes... my office is located in a mall and it is embarassing that power always cut off in a mall. This is not the first time. It happens at least once a month and it is annoying. My staffs of course shouted when the electricity went off as they were doing work and didn't manage to save their works (not that they don't want to save, sometimes it is just hard to keep on clicking it to save it). In a sudden thought, I wonder if Sabah really have problem being 'good'.

It was 2 weeks ago that my boss came in to my room with a letter from our client in which the content of the letter has I call it a very defamatory statement towards all the Sabahan. The West Malaysian have the opinion that the Sabahan are lazy and always do works slowly. Last night, I heard another version from a few other successful businessman stating that they heard the same comment recently too. I am just wondering if this is really an 'issue' for Sabah.

I am sure most of the Sabahan would think the statement made is somehow defamatory. However, may be it is time for the Sabahan to also examine themselves and their attitudes in work. We, the Sabahan has the attitudes of relaxing and don't rush thing, whereas, the West Malaysian, they need to rush for every moment in order to get things to feed their tummy. It's the 'situation' that caused the attitudes I would say. For people like me who came back from the West after a few years of living in the 'dark', of course I will consider my situation now in Sabah as 'good'. But in terms of productivity and efficiency, I am sure you would agree with me that, we really have a bit of problem in that and it has certainly caused some very impatient people around us to be a bit frustrated with our attitudes.

I encounter many lawyers here in Sabah who always relax in their works. At least, some of them only need to do some drafting and research and the rest of it, leave it to the staffs to finalise. For me, I try to balance up all. I do all my works including binding my own cause papers, type all my letters, photocopy, etc. etc. I am a Sabahan, but I am not lazy, I shall say.. and I do know people arounds me who is Sabahan also is not also lazy but diligent in their works. So, when I saw the statement that ALL Sabahan worker are lazy, I do found it 'defamatory'. What is defamatory? Ah... read my previous blog... can't remember when I posted it. Long time ago. hahahaha...

To conclude, it's the attitude of an individual person and it shouldn't related to the whole Sabah in general.

- ended -

... continue

See, it could be because I am older in age and I am the cell leader and that I do know many things (too many sometimes) and that somehow, people do have this kind of expectation over me. People will expect that I can handle things all by myself, people will expect me to love and care for them, people will expect me to help them with their 'situation', etc. etc. The expectation always laid on me without any prelimenary testing on my ability, how much I can handle, etc. and worse still, people do think that I am fine at all time and I do not need any love and care from others. A simple example, if I call you for lunch, would you think it is because you need my company or I need your company? For one or two of my friends of course it works 2 ways, but some people will be hurt if I don't ask them for dinner or 'yam cha'. hai... but seldom (almost none), people will ask me out for dinner or 'yam cha' instead. Most of the time, all these initiated by me instead. People do somehow, expect me to do all these and I am expected to do it well too.

I realise lately that I have failed to 'divide' my time, my care and my love evenly to EVERYONE and hence, I hurted many people arounds me. For a moment, I really thought of stopping all these and just be alone again and be heartless to all (Of course you know it is impossible because God commanded me to love my neighbours). It's not the issue of 'tired', it is the issue of disappointment or rather, discouraged. Of all that I have done, and that's what I got? Hurting them? I have hurted all those I care and love? ...

At one point, I really asked if that's what I deserve...

How many of them ... realise that I too need someone to care for? How many of them do realise that I too need help sometimes? At least, I think I do need someone to call me and asked if I need a dinner or a company sometimes especially after a bad day at work (ah... forget about calling me for that now... meaningless, hahaha... ). Wait.. I am not saying NONE of you out there care for me. Some of you have suprised me at all time, i.e. sending me dinner in office, bought me dinner, called me to check on me when I was sick, etc. etc. I truely appreciate that!!!

Oh well...

... to be continue again...

- ... continue -

Thought...

Since young, I always find it hard for someone to like me or love me because of who I am. All I gets are comments that I don't like. I am not smart, neither am I pretty or outstanding. My existence is merely due to I am someone's daughter, or someone's sister and not 'me' as ME. People recognise me and know me because of my parents, my brother, my uncles, my aunties, my relatives, my cousins, etc. etc. I therefore do not have my own identity ever.... until I reached England and met with this group of people who doesn't know me much. However, it bothers me as because they do not know my parents, my brother, I have this sense of 'rejection' when I was with them. I finally realise how many people arounds me accept me and I started to accept the fact that I am not someone whom some people will regards me as 'friend'. Some People will only regards me as 'friend' when they want something from me. Of course, I do have some whom are really dear to me as they know the 'real' me.

I found it hard to accept people arounds me and since then, I love to be alone even more. During my time in KL, I put on different faces when I met with different group of people. I HAVE to be strong when people expect me to be strong. I HAVE to be smart, when people expect me to be smart. I HAVE to be chicky when people expect me to be chicky. I HAVE to be good girl when people expect me to be good but I have seriously turned myself into a puppet instead. To many people, I am so strong that I can handle things happen around me by myself and people also thought that I do not need someone to love me, or hug me, or give me a pat on my shoulder or even prayer. And so, I have acted in my 'normal' self... i.e. when people do not want to help, I shall handle it by myself and may be that's the reason why I trained myself up to be really stronger and be able to handle things around me. Things happen to me makes me tougher and tougher each day.

To-date, I can 'proudly' say that I can even hide my own feelings. Even thought I am nervous and terrified, I can acted calm. When thing goes really wrong, I can still joke around and have fun. I am that good... .

It was these few conversation I had with some friends lately that made me recalled the past and realise that, because of my good 'pretention', I guess none of the family member do understand what I had gone through and what I am going through now. They never asked and even if they do, I can never be able to answer. I cannot remember when was the last time someone really care for me, and seriously, even if they do now, I will just acted so 'normally' and asked in my heart if this is sincere.

What happen to me in the past that caused me to be in today's state? I don't know. But I do know if it is not because of God, I probably has gone even worse and I probably have given up life. So if you ask me what is love, I can only tell you the experience I encountered with God.

Don't get me wrong. I am not saying I don't receive enough love from my parents. They have done a good job and whenever I struggles with living, they always around and they have been very understanding. I am not blaming them or anyone for anything. I am just happen to be in this 'situation'.

- ... to be continue -

I wonder...

I should have been drafted my summary judgment for one of this case on my table but yet, NO... I was doing something else that I am not suppose to do. Looking at the time now, I don't want to start drafting it already as I know I won't be able to finish it on time (before office close).

I am looking at one of my file now as it is fixed for hearing on monday. I have yet to receive any defence from my opponent and I know after hearing on Monday, I will receive it and after that, I will have to rush for another reply. Phew... work has been more interesting and excited. I must say, I do love litigation in a way... although at time, it is too much of an unnecessary stress.

************

Stopped for about 10 minutes as my boss came in and shown me a letter issued by our client and he just wonder how do I look at that matter. Told him my opinion, he agreed to it. Phew....

************

Just before I continue with this blog, I received a phone call, from the church. Someone asked if I can replace another person who is suppose to be on duty this Sunday as he is not free tonight. My answer is NO althought things can be arranged if I am FORCED to. The duty roster came out about a month or so and everyone do know when are they going to be on duty. I do understand that things can happen overnight but not to the extent that we are going to do practice tonight and only now, 3pm, you called and asked us to replace you. This is not only unacceptable, but also quite selfish. If thing happened is really that serious and important, it need to be arranged in advance. I just cannot accept the fact that people just think I am FREE at all time and that I do not have things to do at all the evening. I always tolerant and always been flexible. Everytime I am asked to do things, even in last minute, I will just do it. But it doesn't mean I am THAT flexible. I know my priority and I do know my committment... but others also should learn that. Once one is committed into certain thing, he/she should always committed into it. People can just set time for other things, but not God and that has make me feel sick. If not because of God, I wonder if they will have 'anything' at all. Yes... I am upset... on the attitudes of people like this. To teach them a lesson, I have decided to sacrifies my time (tomorrow) if they want for the practice. No way that I am going to change my plan to suit them. Time to learn. Time to grow up. I don't care....!!!!!

If a leader allows last minute changes, it is time for that leader to bear the consequences. Whatever consequences that might come.

- I wonder... -

Hmm...

Both my dad and my brother are in town for a 4 days meeting and yet, I only met them twice so far (might meet them again later to pass something to my brother to bring it for my nephew as he is turning 4 this coming sunday). I am sure they understand that it's difficult for me to spend time with them in the afternoon (they only free from 3pm to 6pm) and also, my dad needs to take a nap in the afternoon. So... hmm... my brother is leaving tonight and my dad, tomorrow morning. hahaha... bad daughter and sister... that's what I am feeling now. hahahaha....

Oh well, at least... I did sms them during their stay and also took the efforts to buy some gifts for the kids. hehehe...

- hmm... -

3rd month...

It's my 3rd month with this law firm. I went to court this morning for a hearing. It's just a normal application and when I got there, I couldn't find the chamber of the Deputy Registrar. They have moved and for a moment, I wonder how long I have not been having hearing with this court. While I was waiting for my turn (after I found the chamber and confirmed by other lawyers), I saw the interpreter and then I realise it was since the first case I had in KK that I have not been having hearing with this court. My turn was almost last as I only received the Notice of Hearing 2 days ago. I took out a book and start reading and just before my turn, a senior lawyer came to me and talked to me and he was shocked to found out that I have changed firm (my file was next to me) and he thought I was just mention on behalf for my firm and when I told him I joined this firm, he looked at me with shock. I can understand his reaction. I have left my own firm and joined others. He commented that "but your surname is still hanging in Tanjung Aru Plaza". I answered him saying that it's just a "Name" and in fact, my "surname". Then he asked me to tell him in one sentence the reason of my leaving. Well, ... many still think I am with my old firm... that I can tell.

When my case was called, I went in to the chamber and when I got my order in term on my application, the interpreter asked me if I have changed firm. Told him I am now with this firm and he was also looked at me as if I lie to him. Well, ... it's my 3rd month and I have successfully made myself so quiet for the past 2 months (just to avoid my ex-partner to accuse me of stealing cases and clients from her). Some of you do know the reason of me being so 'quiet' for the past 2 months. I said I will only start running around, doing marketing and so on in January. Here I am... being active again (slowly).

- 3rd month -

God's mercy and protection!!!

Today is the 3rd day after the car accident I had. It happen on 12.01.2008. It's my first accident since I got my driving licence. I was woken up by the sound and images (memory) of the moment the car behind hit us. It was so sudden. Oh well, come to think of it, it's also quite severe....

Some of you do know that I am fine with sudden incidents happen to me and I only 'react' to it few days later... and therefore, yes... I only having that 'shock and sudden' moment reflected to me and my emotions since this morning.

However, of all things happen, I really wanna thank God that none of us in the car is injured (physically) and the car thought was badly damaged, is still in the 'repairable' state. Oh oh.. by the way.. just in case you are worry about 'little blue'. It's NOT little blue that's hurt... and to be honest, if it is little blue... I am quite sure my friends and I are in hospital now.... So, yes... Thank God for His protection!!!

- accident -

Speechless....

Suddenly... my brain is blank... for a few days... not knowing what to write, what to think, how to react on things around me. Was busy for the past few days marking test papers, sorting out notes, sorting out the files which need to be handle back to the Admin. Office at my college. Was told yesterday that I need to submit the students' coursework mark to the office by this Saturday and that I also need to do marking for their papers after their final exam next week. I am finishing with teaching after this week so to say... and I am not sure if there's anymore teaching to do in future...

Things happen, things ended... I couldn't remember how it happen... I just remember I received a phone call from the principle of the college asking me a favour to teach their students for a semester and that's how I end up teaching them for a semester. Was shocked by their attitudes towards their study on the first month... Couldn't believe there's such students at this stage...

Thought this teaching thing would be an extra income to me but it ended up to be my sole income for the past 2 months.

I am speechless on how things can happen and ended up with... it's beyond my understanding and control. However, God has planned things ahead of me... when it seems there's no way .... He has prepared a way for me... way.. months, years... before I know or come about it... Isn't that amazing?

I guess the only thing I need to do now is to trust and obey... agree?

- speechless -

Not my day?

It's a situation a friend encounter today that makes me think when was the last time I had a bad day. Oh well, ... as you know, I always encounter a bad day once every forth night. haha.... and therefore, I am kind of get used to it. Well, don't get me wrong. I am not saying I don't feel bad when it comes my way. I am just saying, when days like that came around, I just have to remind myself that it's just this other day, nothing that I can control, nothing that I can do to change it and at the same time, it will not last for long.

When was the last time I had a really bad day? One of this year while I was having my CLP exam, I think. From the first day it started, I fell sick and thereafter, I couldn't even sleep almost EVERY SINGLE MOMENT, and during the exam, there's this bomb scares and after the exam, I stepped on a fresh dog shit, etc. That wasn't really a bad DAY in fact... came to think of it, it was more than that... more than 24 hours... goodness...it last about a month in fact and I remember at the end of the exam, I was quite sure that I won't get through it. Bad year follows after that... with so many things happen, etc. etc. (Don't ask me what happen. some of you still remember donating maggie and bread to me).

A friend reminded me few days ago that people need one or two of those days to grow up so that they are able to handle different situations and it is so happen that, me (I know my God loves me more than anyone else), just happen to be selected specially to handle all situations (encounter more bad days then anyone else) so that I can understand situation that people around me facing. What do I mean? Give you an example. It's weird that my grandmother, my father than I suffer no headache ever. So, in a way, I don't really know what exactly is headache. Due to that, I have very limited understanding of what headache is. So, when someone tells me that he/she is having headache, seriously, I have no idea how to help and what to do about it. If only those who suffer headache before will understand how to deal with it. Headache is not very good. It's bad to have headache, but we can't really say, it's bad because with it, you would be able to understand other's situation. So, bad days sometimes just let us grow a little big wiser.

So, bad day is really not that bad after all... yes?

- wiser? -