Expectation!

I have been bothered by people's expectation all these while but things got worse lately as I have failed to acknowledged some sort of 'expectation' from others towards me. I hate words that was indirect and yet was clear to my conscience. I don't know how I should put it but I can tell you, it hurts. It literally means 'failure' to me. These few months, I have just failed to lives a life as someone's daughter, someone's sister, someone's friend, someone's cousins, someone's aunty, someone's colleague and someone's cell leader. I am feeling that I have failed to be me.

Yet, to my suprise, I am feeling comfortable somehow to be at where I am now (may be for a while). I have started my 'defence' by withdrawing myself out from the 'normal' me. i.e. withdrawing myself to be gather with people I always gather with, withdrawing myself from caring for that certain people, withdrawing myself from doing things I used to do, etc. etc. (If you haven't realise yet, I will withdraw myself from all these if you keep hurting me with words, action, etc. ) It's FUN to be able to gather with new people and new things, talking on different topics and let others to care for me instead of caring for others.

However, without realising, due to my selfishness, I have somehow caused others to think that I don't really bother about what I bothered before. People started to feel dejected by my actions and yet, no one ever try to ask me why I am doing this. It's an expectation that people 'set' on me. They expect me to be ME like always before for ever and ever and I will be happy. Somehow, I feel pressured by people's expectation on me. If you remember, I hate unnecessary stress and when I said I HATE it, I mean I will react against it (could also include no reaction towards it at all) when you impose it on me.

Some people just know what they should do to make me draw closer to them and some people, just failed to see the point and some, they have tried, but it got worse. I guess, some people just got it right and most just got me feel not only tired with it, but withdrawing myself to continue to associate with him/her.

Anyhow, I do appreciate those who has been around me for the past few months, the toughest moment of my life. It's a process that I don't know if many would understand. It was tough and it was scary. You have 'saved' me just before I commit 'suicide'. I thank you for you patience, your tolerant, your understanding, your love and care, your sacrifies, etc. etc. You just happen to me the 'angle' of my life. Thank you...

- expectation -