Frozen

I was so busy when Frozen was showing in cinema. However, enough attention brought it to me when Danny and Jenny purchased the Frozen - English version and they showed the BM version and they got frustrated and posted on FB.  It didn't cross my mind that I will have the chance to watch it. Not until one Saturday, Pam asked me for movie. I remember it was a hectic week and I needed a break and though Frozen was not one of the preferred movie, since Pam wanted to watch it, I tagged along.
It surprised me.
I found myself just like Elsa, at least for the past few years.... First, the frozen heart. Second, the uncontrollable 'power'.  Third, the avoidance to hurt others.  Fourth, ... Fifth, ... etc.
After the movie, I wonder if anyone has been knocking the door, has been asking me to build a snowman, has been asking me to go play with them... Suddenly, I felt like I was brought into my own world for a tour...
it took me a few months now ... to adjust myself. I guess, i do need a little help. May be a true love?
- Frozen -

Proof/Evidence!

There's one issue which has been resounding in my mind for many years and it often confuse me.  Everyone told me parents love me but past experiences (my younger days) proves that they love my brother more and because of my 'not so usual' characters, they always gave me the impression that I will bring them shame. Well, at least that's the impression I got.  So, to be able to accept myself of who I am, it is hard. More so, to make other to accept me as who I am. Well, one fact I cannot deny. I cannot change who I am to become someone I wish to be like.  So, since young, I am 'different'. It will be better to be 'different' in a good and acceptable sense.  But I reasoned that the majority do not like me. That's a fact.
So, over the years, whenever someone told me they love me, I know, it won't last long.  For the past few years, it's proven (a lawyer just need convincing evidence to justified certain facts) that even though people said they love me, they don't really love me.  Almost everyone left during the most difficult time of my life.  After that moment went past, people start coming back, asking for 'benefit' when they know what I can offer.  People take advantage of me.  There's always a reason why people call  me, why people ask me for lunch or dinner, etc.  I don't mind the 'sharing'.  Seriously.... because I cannot bring them with me to the grave anyway. After all, I don't need them when I see my Father in heaven.  I will have everything there.  But what I do not like is that, they 'used' my love and heart.  Where were they when I needed one the most? Why do I need them now?
I said Almost all....
For the past few years, I am always reminded of what my dad used to told me once when he realised how and what all the other did to me. He said, "Not EVERYONE.  At least I know there are some who really care and love you here in Tawau. As I can see, Hz always care and love you.  Not everyone left you".  It wasn't an easy 'fact' to accept and I guess it take time.  It's just so difficult to 'reopen' myself to trust that fact again.  I guess love is a life long journey and the package comes with other emotions either, including trust.
It's not an easy task to for me. It's probably easier for me to love others.  But it is definitely not easy for me to be loved.  It's been close to 40 years now that I only saw 'empty promises'.  Shall I trust another promise? I need more evidence to be convinced.
I guess that concluded that why I rather not to interact with people closely these days.... I don't want to listen and believe in another empty promise.
- Proof/Evidence! -

The reason?

I was trying to finish Bible in One Year for another round this year.  Just when it started not long....I was reading about temptation man and women encountered at the Garden of Eden. Well, needless to elaborate, you should know the 'story' by heart and we heard that many times when it was preached to us.  We also know that what God said to the serpent, the man and the women.  All we remember was that, To the women he said, "I will make your pains in childbearing very severe; with painful labor you will give birth to children..  Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you".  and to Adam he said, "Because you listened to your wife and ate fruit from the tree about which I commanded you, "You must not eat from it,'"cursed is the ground because of you; through painful toil you will eat food from it all the days of your life.  It will produce thorns and thistles for you, and you will eat the plants of the field.  By the sweat of your brow you will eat your food until you return to the ground, since from it you were taken; for dust you are and to dust you will return".

These are not "promises" God made or gave to us.  Let me remind you that it is a CURSE. Does it ring a bell? It's a curse and we are meant to find a way to 'un-curse' it.  For generation to generation, for years to years.... many of us is still being deceived by the serpent to think that it is a 'promise' and this is what man and women should do. i.e. to work like a donkey to earn our living and suffer pains for childbearing.  Nope.  That's CURSE.

So, tell me.  What's wrong for not being able get married and get out of the 'curse'? No childbearing hardship is no good? Really? So, why are some of us laughing at us who are the Singles? Because you are jealous that we are not under the curse aren't you? Well, of course you might have your reason and personal interpretation of this verses.  But to me, I know God has forgiven me and the curse has been unfolded and hence, I manage to enjoy every moment of my life the way it should, i.e. with God alone. 

Yes. If you are asking me whether I am in a relationship, the answer is always YES.

- The Reason? -

Rare?

Generally speaking, whenever someone feel unhappy or down, there must be a reason.  People who is not happy generally will be fine after talking to someone.  A friend called at a weird time last night and when I realised I missed her call while during laundry, I called back immediately.  Well, she rumble about her boss about her boss' unreasonable action over cancelling everyone's Chinese new year leaves, etc.  well, it took her probably 10 minutes to just rumble and she then felt better after that. 
I wasn't in a good mood since afternoon.  There are two reasons.  Not 'circumstances' reasoning...but mostly 'physical' reasoning.  Either the 'reactions' from the brain that caused the down mood or the other way round.  No one knows.  All I know was, I need to stay away from people because it hits and affect others. No matter how much those kids were trying to cheers me, I started to feel uneasy, irritated and a bit headache while I was just seated there.  I know something is wrong.  Thank God Faith got so irritated and SJ said they are leaving and so I left together.  I guess somehow, SJ realised my 'sudden quietness' also though I was trying very hard to make sure it is unnoticeable. Anyway, 'unusual' means unusual.  People who are close will notice no matter how.
Got back alright.  Still managed to do some laundry and store some water as we are informed that they are washing and cleaning the main "loji".  Just after I put the clothes to wash.... I was completely knocked out by the pain that came so sharp to a point I need to lie down on my bed.  Well, I always tried not to take pain killer and bear with the pain.  But last night was crazy. It didn't stop until an hour after I pop two tablets of pain killer.
Is the 'reaction' in the brain that's affecting the mood or the mood affecting the pain? I seriously don't know which one comes first. I woke up alright this morning, only with minor pain. Oh well, and I think I should do some exercise later after work. haha....
This is rare? The pain is not rare.  The sharpest of the pain is. May be it gets serious? Oh well, I don't think I want to bother about it.
- Rare? -

Progressing....

Well, I am glad to find out that,  my studies are not impossible after all.  All the introduction about e-commerce law, in particular, on EU regulations, treaties, code, directives..... which need to be covered is over.  This second session is much better when it goes to the law, at least, on jurisdiction.  Still, it's EU, it's Member States, etc.  But at least, it is 'better'.

More so, the reading isn't too much and it's not impossible to finish a 1000 words coursework within a week. It's still better than finishing 4 discussions in a week.  I hope I can cope with it better each week.  For now, 8 more weeks to go and I will be a free bird. 

So, yes, it's progressing.... in my studies... as well as works.  Work is picking up.  Discharging myself for a few messy matters, finalising a few to go for trial and appeals, and .... having some 'sleeping' one awaken and sorting out some mess.  Guess all these will keep me busy until end of April.  So, that's something good. At least something is progressing....  and that helps me to focus. 

Oh well... there are just too many small small things I need to sort out this week. I hope I have the time to do it... 

- Progressing - 

*pondering... *

It has been a while now that I have felt 'different'.... or being care for or....loved.  Somehow, I don't believe it will happen or exist anymore, especially after it has been for years now that it has never happen. Having said that I must admit that did tried to "believe" of its existence, but not not feeling it, except for God's love and His faithfulness.  Love, has been something I can acknowledged of its existence, but not feeling it. That part of me died long ago I believe. Whenever people is treating good, i can thank them for being nice, but truly in my heart, I can never feel it. In a way, it goes to my head, not my heart.
That's my kind of life for the past few years. That's how hard it is for me to 'feel' loved.  Even if someone is telling me they love me, it will only go into my head, not my heart.
I was puzzled today with just a simple asking "have you eaten".  When it came on the computer screen while i was looking at some other studies materials, it made me stunned for a long while, wonder... when was the last time someone asked me this? Guess it's my dad.  He always called and asked me if I have eaten.  He doesn't care much of how well i did in my studies, or works, or ministries... each time he called, first thing he will ask was whether I have eaten.  Remember there's this time where the bloody selfish boss of mine asked me to skip my lunch to finish off her works.  My dad called and forced me to go grab my food. Well, i ended up walked off that firm because all the reason i work is for living and for food... and if I can't even have my food, what for i work? That's what he taught me then and there.... about not being a slave for human being. I am glad i was out of that firm within a week.
It's my dad who always reminded me that i do have friends who care and love me. So even 99% left me, that 1% is still around. i think that kept going, knowing that there's at least just one person who does.  That walk-ing day to the mountain in Tawau is definitely something that worth remember. It has made me walk until today.
So, if i tell you i cannot feel that care and love,  I am lying to you and to myself.  It's just a matter of how deep can i feel being loved. Well, i guess it is not easy for me to be loved again/feel the love again. It just get harder and harder.  All the promises and all, .... I guess I just won't believe anymore. :(
- *pondering ... *

Just too much....

It's just too much to bear.... well, I mean, 'changes'. 

Within a month, everything will be different.  I will not have my best companies herein KK after I come back from Tawau after Chinese New Year.  Rev Sng & Family have been a wonderful company and emotional support to me for the past few years.  Without them and their unconditional love, I don't think I survive until now.  Trying to make myself to set a good example for my two God children have been one of the motivation.  A good one.  It's that that I too going back to church and attend services without missing a Sunday.  Apart from them, I too have a couple who has constantly making sure I stay alive.  Jenny has been telling me if I would to die, I shall wait till she got married and so, she did.  Now, she said, ... if I would to die, I shall at least wait till her child is born and we all know, I will witness quite a bit, may be until her child (my another Godchild) to graduate and married? Well, that's certainly something to look forward to... for all my Godchildren to grow up, go to college and get married. hahahahaha...  Danny is definitely one who appear at the right time all the time, especially when he noticed I was stress, all he needs to do is to call me and ask me "You wanna go for a pool?". hahahahaha... I enjoy that a lot.  It's releasing to play pool as full concentration is needed for pool/snooker. I never play pool until I came back to Malaysia.  Snooker is what I love. But I do enjoy playing with Danny as he is really good in it.  Oh well....
All of them are leaving and I will have to adjust.  It probably time when God says "Pei San, you and do this and so, I am taking them away".  It's going to be tough.  But studies come handy and at the right time.  Guess I will need to focus more on studies instead for the time being.
With the slow-ness in economic and all, I guess, there's just too much of a challenge for me to adjust for all these. I hates myself making mistakes on cause papers I filed.  But things happen.  Well, I was doing and rushing that two pieces of works when my mom had her surgery and I was torn apart in few areas at the same time.  I can't expect myself to be perfect, can I? Well, mistakes... and now, I am paying to sort out mistakes and that's what I hate the most. 
I really hope things are going to be better soon. Well,... this is just too much for me....
-  Just too much.... -

Completely lost!

After not studying for more than 14 years, picking up some studies is seriously not easy.  Worse still it is not as 'part time' as I thought it is.  Glad that the moderator tonight reminded me to keep up on the core reading if it is too much for me.  Well, it does make sense.  Glad that I managed to contribute to first discussion and I will do the second and third one before I travel back Tawau again this Friday. 

I guess the hardest part this time round is because I do need a lots of travelling, coping with works and also taking care of my parents. A heavier responsibilities compares to CLP time where I only needs to study and work.

After this first week, I should be able to adjust better. At least my tv is finally switch on at 11pm tonight after a week of silence. Well, I hope I can cope better. For now, let's focus to finish that bloody record of appeal by tmr! 

Life is tougher it seems...

- Completely lost -

Comparison

While I was having lunch and waiting for my bill to come, I noticed a child on the next table was not happy and all she did was to shake her head to every demand and request and offer that got to her way. I was thinking, ' oh, she must be in bad mood'. 

We,adult has our bad mood time too. But the different is, the child get to be in mad mood and everyone will try to put in efforts to try make her smile and/or be happy while, the adult, we have to deal with it ourselves.  If you happen to voice it out or let your bad mood affect others, we get the blame.  No one bother to make sure we are happy.  Everyone just try to make themselves feel good. So, if your bad mood affects others, that others can be angry, scold you and make sure you are responsible for it.

You might not agree with me. But it is a fact.  If you don't believe it, you may wanna scold a child when he/she has a bad mood and try for yourself. Hehehe..... 

Having said that, I wonder if Miss Wong (Bernice) is in good or bad mood today as she only stare at me and not smiling..... Hehe.... Love this girl really!!! Even though she doesn't smile at me today! 

- Comparison -

Resolution!

It's the 11th day of January and someone asked me if I have had my resolution for 2014 set. Seriously, there's none. But having said that, it's more on I didn't list it down.  First, I am still trying to make sure that I won't go bankrupt, secondly, of course to finish reading the bible in one year for another time, in English! Third, lives everyday as it is the last, fourthly, stay sane and fifth, be a blessing. 

You might think all those are too general and it's too easy. But trust me, it's not as simple as you may think it is.

Well, all I can say is, I commit all these into God's hand.

- resolution!-

Slap of my face!

Ever since 1 Jan, things around me seems changed a lot.  Suddenly, I felt like I got slap on my face and I suddenly realised a lot of thing happened and happening.
I took a taxi home when I arrived KK after a trip to Tawau yesterday for court hearing this morning. While I was on the way, I was pondering over how often have I done this.  i.e. going in and out of KK all by myself.  Handling work, every pieces of my work alone.  Sorting every single thing of my life alone. It's has been years now that I do things all by myself.  Without a single help, without telling anyone what I want and wish to do, etc. Even to Tongud Land office alone? hmm.... that kept me ponder.
With my kind of life and with those 'freedom' I cannot lives without, I guess that sums up why I cannot commit into a relationship.  However, I am wondering.... how long can I continue with this kind of life. I am feeling tired .... May be it is time to make a change.
- Slap of my face! -

Randomness ...

It's probably due to age or my physical ability, I realised I need lot of time for myself; to read, to rest, to study, to hibernate. I spent yesterday evening with 2 couples, after all that happen in the past month and I have cancelled the fellowship/meeting/dinner on 31st December because all of them was made compulsory to attend the prayer meeting at Mt. Kokol Prayer Summit.  I seriously don't know when can we have the replacement done before Jenny and Danny leaving to KL.  However, as much as I wanted to organise another fellowship, i am just feeling 'tired' and lack of energy to do it. May be I am just too tired and not motivated.
It's seriously sad to have them moving to KL seriously.  At least, I will lost someone who can go play pool with me.  Missing to see my another God daughter to be born is also not nice.  Anyway, everyone is moving on with life.  I shall too... and I am expecting to adjust myself to focus on my studies more in the coming 2 years.  I don't think it is going to be easy especially resources is so limited here in KK, i.e. as good as NONE.
At the same time, work is getting lesser and lesser and I do get disturbed by it.  However, I am always reminded by my fellow colleagues that all we need is to trust His providence, of which, I have had the privilege to experienced how faithful He was and is to me over the past few years.
Well, let's stick to the PLAN.  Lives everyday as it is the last.
- Randomness ... -

New year 2014

A last minute unplanned decision.  I bought my ticket a day before and left Kota Kinabalu on 31st December 2013 and landed in Kuala Lumpur 2 1/2 hours later. Spent the last few hours of 2013 at Bandar Sunway and Faith Christian Centre with a bunch of good and die hard friends. I cannot remember when was the last time I am these happy and have had spent happy moments with friends. But these unplanned trip is really eventful.

Though the idea was sort of set off by HZ's issues of unsettled transfer arrangement, but it gave me Ll the opportunity and reason to be here to celebrate new year 2014 with her and the rest of die hard friends. I consider this a privilege to be able to celebrate new year with her as I have not been around her for years now. Loving her and at the same time trying to keep a distance with her so she won't feel vulnerable or hurt by me is hard. But to know that she is moving in her life chapter by chapter happily, it is comforting enough. I know God is blessing and taking care of her well. Hope this new chapter of her life wins God's approval nevertheless. 

For myself, this year is not going to be the same anymore. Life moves on and so do all my plans ahead. Studies is going to be hard, so are works. I need more strength from the Lord. And I wish there's changes at home too! 

Lord, I hereby commit 2014 to you. Prosper me, guide me, protect every steps of my life. 

- new year -