*pondering... *

It has been a while now that I have felt 'different'.... or being care for or....loved.  Somehow, I don't believe it will happen or exist anymore, especially after it has been for years now that it has never happen. Having said that I must admit that did tried to "believe" of its existence, but not not feeling it, except for God's love and His faithfulness.  Love, has been something I can acknowledged of its existence, but not feeling it. That part of me died long ago I believe. Whenever people is treating good, i can thank them for being nice, but truly in my heart, I can never feel it. In a way, it goes to my head, not my heart.
That's my kind of life for the past few years. That's how hard it is for me to 'feel' loved.  Even if someone is telling me they love me, it will only go into my head, not my heart.
I was puzzled today with just a simple asking "have you eaten".  When it came on the computer screen while i was looking at some other studies materials, it made me stunned for a long while, wonder... when was the last time someone asked me this? Guess it's my dad.  He always called and asked me if I have eaten.  He doesn't care much of how well i did in my studies, or works, or ministries... each time he called, first thing he will ask was whether I have eaten.  Remember there's this time where the bloody selfish boss of mine asked me to skip my lunch to finish off her works.  My dad called and forced me to go grab my food. Well, i ended up walked off that firm because all the reason i work is for living and for food... and if I can't even have my food, what for i work? That's what he taught me then and there.... about not being a slave for human being. I am glad i was out of that firm within a week.
It's my dad who always reminded me that i do have friends who care and love me. So even 99% left me, that 1% is still around. i think that kept going, knowing that there's at least just one person who does.  That walk-ing day to the mountain in Tawau is definitely something that worth remember. It has made me walk until today.
So, if i tell you i cannot feel that care and love,  I am lying to you and to myself.  It's just a matter of how deep can i feel being loved. Well, i guess it is not easy for me to be loved again/feel the love again. It just get harder and harder.  All the promises and all, .... I guess I just won't believe anymore. :(
- *pondering ... *