Reminder: Back on track and be faithful to the end!

Just about a month or two back, I was sitting in church, waiting for the service to start and I realised, I am still .... very much influenced by the 'musical instruments' instead of the rest.... I definitely not a person whom I can memorise the lyrics of songs.... and if you ask me to clap hands while I sing, it's a bit difficult because somehow, my fingers and minds, all turns into playing the instruments - or moving without holding the instruments in hand.  Somehow, that part of me seems..... activated by the sounds of musics.  It has been a long while since I pick up my guitar and play some songs.  At one point, I wasn't sure if I still know how to play a guitar.  The guitar in my room was definitely covered by at least half cm of dust.  

I went to Melbourne and my two cousins always never fail to convince and remind me that I am such a musician and/or someone who is passion with musics.  To them, I don't lives without music, more so, playing guitar and/or musical instruments.  I told Sarah since few years back that I wanted to learn Ukulele and we did exchanged some information about it and we did talked about it occasionally when we meet.  I have mentioned more than 3 years now that i wanted to visit her in Melbourne and we will go to every music shops in town.  So, finally, I paid her a visit.... promised fulfilled. hahaha.... planned so hard because of my schedule, Ellie (my dear niece) schedule and Sarah's schedule.  

Almost every single night, we played Ukulele and guitar during my stay.  Somehow, she brought me back to have the passion to play musical instrument again.  I didn't know how much I love it until we play the instruments together and we were exchanging knowledge on songs and the strumming and the chords, etc.  It's fun. 

Ever since I got back from Melbourne and I sat in the church .... somehow... my focus was on the band/worship team.  They were not perfect.  They play as if they HAVE their duty to fulfil.  They didn't BRING OUT the music live as it should.  It's a disappointment, but yet, I have no complain because if i think I can do better, then I should be up there rather than sitting down at the pew.  Then, while i was watching ... and pondering.... this scene back in 1997-1998 flashed back.  I was in my 1st and 2nd year in Bristol, UK.  Christ Church Clifton is the church I visited and attended then.... lovely huge Cathedral with at least 1500-2000 congregation and at that time, the church service worship was led by an orchestra.  Impressively.... and always brought up the best music on Sunday morning.  I love the church, particular the Orchestra.  Every single week I went earlier and every sunday, this group of people I saw, were very professionally handle and playing their musical instruments.  

I couldn't recall anyone of them now.... except one particular old lady whose face is still imprinted in my mind, strongly and clearly.  white hair, hunch back, old, with glasses .... dressed very neatly and clean... and always sat in the most front role with her violin. She was there, every single sunday.  I observed her ... and realised, her hand wouldn't able to move faster than any younger violinist.  Instead of two full bows, she probably play one ... but she never failed in catching up with the rest and she has never fail to absent because she is old, she is not as active and she is probably not being noticed by anyone.  Her devotion in serving the Lord is clear.... her focus was clear... if she is given an opportunity to serve the Lord, she will make herself available.  I was guessing that she was at her 70-80 when i met her.  I went back to the same church last year, i looked in front, there's a lot of changes.... but one thing it never changed, is that, she has definitely encouraged, and imprinted that lesson in my heart forever. 

I asked then.... will I because the church is lousy, the leader is lousy and things are lousy that I will stop serving the Lord. Will I be like that old lady....? to serve Him again despite my past, my inability, the non-qualified requirements, etc? I guess the Lord look at our heart rather than our ability, isn't it? So, I was telling myself, If Danny is moving back, I shall seek the Lord if I will go back to serve Him in the worship team again.  

Just before I tell anyone about that, i didn't know Danny spoke to Leane about having the 1st mission set,  - that is to get me back to worship team asap.  I only realised that 1 month after that and Danny told me to consider while I say, you come back then we talk.  And Leane heard our conversation and stunned together with Danny and said.... OK!  Leane said, that sound a bit too easy to be a mission for Danny.  I didn't say a word. 

Obviously, it's time.... to move on.  To board the train to go to the next destination.  

- Reminder:  Back on track and be faithful to the end! - 

Attack!!!!???

Remember I was telling you about me getting back to the 'community'.... By the help of a few people. And I finally feel better attending church and ..... Even attended cell group before I left for my holiday at Melbourne. Life has been relatively well......... Except....

I guess Satan is concern and worry and so he decided to take some steps to make sure I don't get back the passion I have for Christ. First attack launched. People has been attacking me non stop since few weeks back. Putting up false accusation on me and trying to use me as a bridge to make a situation worse. Without know what was going on and without any information in hand, I somehow got accused and attacked. 

I couldn't find the reason behind all these except they are at the other side, helping the one who wants to destroy me......

My stand..... I need to pray more. If God is for me, who can goes against me? But at the bright side, may be it is time to get famous and rich!!!! May be I shall just attack back, sue someone .... And to be less Christ like for once? 

I hope they don't go attack my mom now. Otherwise, I will definitely take action. 

- attack - praying -

First experience!

It's this 10 days holiday and I ventured into.  It's my first time travelling to Melbourne.  It's first time that I didn't plan anything for my oversea trip.  It's first time I didn't drive, not taking taxi, no bus kind of trip.  It's first time I went to a western country without having western food the whole trip except once.  It's just shocking how a western country turned to be like a multi Asian country.  It's a nice place, but with all these, it makes me feeling annoyed .... for not having the 'feel' of being in the western country.
First time ever, I bought my own Ukulele.  Played a song within an hour and few songs within the next few days.  It's an interesting musical instrument which I intent to learn more from it and trying to develop a new interest in music again.
First time ever, I have bought myself a business class ticket back from Melbourne to KL (costs 330 AUS $ - trade).  It's not bad. At least I manage to catch some sleeps, had some nice food and not having feet cramp.
First time ever, I brought back 37kg of stuffs (checked in) and 3 hand luggages.  As if I fully utilised the business class entitlement.
It's really a relaxing, and lazy trip with no aim, whatsoever, except playing with Ellie my dear niece and visiting Eric, Anne and Sarah.  First time ever, I have not look for friends and relatives I have in Melbourne.. but just hang around .... without any aim. hahahaha...
Overall, it's relaxing..... but it's good to be home.....
- First Experience! -

Connected again!

I guess it was Bishop John's sharing prior to his sabbatical leave that somehow 'summarised' what I felt when I was down and depressed few years back.  The moment that he mentioned about feeling not enjoying the company of people around, somehow, reminded me about how I was.  I wanted to be left alone.  But somehow, people think I am strange and have problem.  Oh yes, problem it is.... but can't people understand the needs of one of having been left alone? I mean..... sometime, we all do, don't we?

Being connected again didn't started just like that. Some really truly amazing people like Hz has played a big huge part of it to get my 'connected' back to people.... to the real 'me', i.e. being around people all the time, helping people all the time, lending a helping hand any time others need, serving and ministering people arounds me, enjoy fellowship around friends, having friends and relatives and family arounds for meals, etc.  I don't think I would be able to get back to myself if not because of Hz. I might not have been 'out' from the 'disconnected' me now if not because of her.

Pushing myself to church probably is one of the hardest thing to do after the sickness.  I know i need to. My mom will call every sunday evening to ask if I manage to go to church.  Hz will call on Saturday night to make sure I plan to go to church the next day. Danny and Jenny would make sure they put a smile in their face and hug me whenever they saw me in church.  Somehow, after they left, they have left Leane to me. Leane will make sure I go to church and at the same time, I would do the same to 'check' on her.  So yes... somehow that's how it started.... of course VT make sure she will join Sunday service if I am around in KK for church too.  Some people do extra.... to make things 'happen' in me.

I will say, I am 'back' to the 'me', but somehow, I do have some reserves.  I am making sure, I will not be around people who will 'pull me down the drain'... i will make sure I will not be around people that's negative and caused me unhappy.  I will only cling to people who is 'beneficial' to me.  That's the distinction I have between previously and now.  Among the group, I did noticed some 'negative' effect people and immediately, i realised, I draw a line, very clearly...... to avoid being hurt and avoid being 'used' anymore. There are times, most of the time, I will say, NO to things I don't feel comfortable doing.

Life has not been the same anymore.  But one thing for sure is, I am back, being connected with people again, for real!

- Connected again! -

It's time.....

It's time .... to call 'STOP' ... for me to continue loving others.  It's just too hard and too hard and very hard.  People just don't get along naturally.  Some, demand a lot from me.  Some, gave a lot.... and yet some, just being neutral.  Some complain to me and question me why I love A and B and C since they are not perfect.  Some, complain, i should stop loving people who took me for granted.  It's just hard to balance.
I have been TRYING very hard to love those who are not lovable for years.  That's the heart of a shepherd i guess.... that God has installed in me.  After not being a cell leader for years now, I am still trying my best to not let my sheep stray away from the Lord.  Be it the church is not lovable by many, I am trying to maintain that, the church is not, but God is.  I am still bringing my sheep back to the LORD and not the church.  I get around with them in the 'working world' and I am getting with them and trying to help me whenever I am able to.  At some point of time, I forgot, when and where to draw the line (I never have drawn any before until one day, I did.... for protection purposes).
I seriously don't mind people taking me for granted.  How much can they take from me? I am so limited with knowledge, finances and time.  So, it is ok to take me for granted.  I am more concern about they have hurt me in the way i couldn't contain.
Many came in and went out.... of my life.  They only need me and love me the way they want me to be, not the way i am.  Something, I cannot perform at all.  I am who i am.  I love those who are not lovable.  I let people took me for granted.  I go all out to help others.  Not all, understood that my heart and my sprit within me.  Instead of loving me of who I am, almost everyone is forcing me to be someone they desire.  I am sorry to let you down.  I am not perfect and I am definitely cannot change myself to be someone you can love.  If it is too hard for you, you may exit.
- It's time... -

To love again?

Today's sermon was about being in service for God.  The topic is in conjunction with the Diocese Welfare/mission month and in order to encourage us to go for mission, the priest spoken about love.  Just this morning, I was reminded that... "i need to be careful in loving".  That's because I always get hurt at the end, or.... I will end up being very vulnerable and depressed.  

It wasn't easy indeed to have a group of people i hold dear, gather together for drinks and fellowship. I will definitely setting a boundaries and say "no" to any invitation if this happen to be few years ago.  I am not sure who started this, but definitely not me who initiate ....  First, with Danny and Jenny who 'disturb' my peace once in a blue moon by jenny insisted to stay at my place for TV and Danny and I went for pool games.  Then Siew May and Vui Theng who bugs me once every few weeks after Danny and Jenny has left.  Then I have no idea how does 38 group started and I was being added.  

It took quite an efforts to get close to the 38 group.  As skeptical as I am, nothing goes without any suspicions and I am always keeping a 'boundary' and still, didn't share much about myself.  All these, for a reason - stay away so I don't get hurt AGAIN.  

To ask me to love again seems to be something very difficult to do.  Even though someone think it runs in my blood and I just couldn't stop loving others more than myself.  And they also think, getting hurt is definitely something I cannot get away with.  So, even with that 'warning', i am telling myself, I will do what I can to minimise the 'severity of hurts' I will be getting. 

The last time I love others and the church and Christ to the fullest, was probably the last time I will love as such.  It still hurt somehow, when I was reminded by church sermons today.  Indeed, it really need a huge efforts to overcome this.  

I am amazed by some who really put a lot of efforts on me.  I really and truly appreciate this.  I guess, only being loved, only than I love again? But I guess my expectation toward love somehow, gets higher.... and it's really not as easy as telling me that you love me anymore. 

I wonder... If i can step out of the comfort zone once again... 

- to love again? - 

Out of the comfort zone!

Getting out of the comfort zone, be it in my work place or in home or my daily routine lifestyle.... take a lot of efforts.  It's not as easy as 1, 2, 3 ... in fact, to lift up that first step and place it in the 'non-comfort zone' do need a huge amount of energy, sacrifices, pain and suffering.....

It might not be a 'problem' for anyone who is always expressive.  However, it is definitely MY problem.  You won't find me telling you I love you, even if i do, a lot and you can feel that I do.  Vice versa.... I won't tell you out of your face that I do not want to see you.

It's hard, for me... when clients requested me to visit them in Xiamen, China. I refused.  But they insisted.  I couldn't see the purpose of going there, but they insisted. After a few weeks of trying, I asked a friend to go with me and clients agreed to bear costs either. So, we went.  I am seriously glad that she went with me.  She's not only a PA (personal assistant), she is very encouraging, easy to deal with, very relaxing and comforting friend.  I wouldn't know what I will be if not because of her.  She certainly has made me feel better when I got scolded so badly by all the parties over some misunderstanding they themselves created.  Heated arguments between the two parties has somehow made one party put me on the 'plate' and it got worse each day.... I would have just board a plane and left the bloody place if not because she was trying to calm me down, cheers me up to face every single day's challenges.  When everyone wants to make me drink alcohol, she finished them all for me, knowing that, I wouldn't be able to get that done myself.

We would just get out of our room, sneak out the hotel and went for an ice cream and a walk after a bad long day.  Giving me a pat on my shoulder is what she did when she sensed that I am almost standing up on my feet, wanted to point my finger and start scolding everyone.  I would say, it's certainly one good decision made to brought her along this trip.  God must be hearing my prayers.... made her quit her job on time... for this trip. hahahaha....

Each night.... one of our must have conversation is, whether we should just stop by HK just to chill.  Being very co-operative, she goes with whatever decision I made.  I have been saying "NO" until when we boarded the plane from Xiamen to HK (delayed by 1 1/2 hours).  I told client's daughter in law sitting on my left first that we are stopping by HK before I told her we are stopping by HK.  She was cool about it.  Making the stay more worth it, she won a prize of HKD1000 dining voucher.  She brought me to the Japanese place, ate an expensive oysters and Wayu beef and let me share her frozen beer (Grapes).  I let her planned the evening and she let me plan the next day.

Most of the time, we don't need to speak much.... she's like someone who can read my mind.  When I saw a cartoon bag, i looked at her, she is already laughing.... and she told me, 'she saw and she knows what i wanna say'.  Well, it's weird.... a short few days.... from an 'uncomfortable' non close friend.... we became friend that we can share jokes, pain and all with.

- out of the comfort zone -

Dad's?

I keep asking how come my father is not rich!!! He started to work as a teacher since age 21. How can he not be a rich man? How come he has to struggle to life so difficult until he retired? How come he earned respect instead of being rich? Where are all his monies? 

It's Father's Day two Sunday ago and I saw my youngest uncle wishes my dad happy Father's Day and said my dad has always like a father to and for him. That reminds me my mom's complains... That my dad always gave all his monies to his siblings. If not because of my mom, we wouldn't even able to survive well. So, where are my dad's monies? Yes.... Never get to save up because of his siblings.... Until even to take care of my grandma when she grew old, it's all my dad's responsibilities. 

From school to being married and have their own children, my uncles and aunties don't do much to contribute or help out my dad, including us. 

I never get any help much from them. Instead when my grandma passed away, every grandchildren of hers get some money because they came back for funeral, and I didn't get a cent out of it. Everyone of them said I don't need it. I never forget that moment. Not that I need the money, but it's all about fairness. 

It has been 5 years since dad had stroke. I can say, they have not being bothering much with us and how we cope. May be the first year they care a lot, but definitely not for the past 4 years. We can literally know who cares and who don't. I don't blame them.... Because my own brother also don't bother much. Even if he get most of my parents' monies to study oversea. He never need to work whole studying. Unlike me..... Worked like a cow always...

So, my life is deprived of all that I need and wish because of this bunch of people. I certainly won't ask help from any of them. Instead, I won't do anything good for them either.

But just because I am a lawyer, my  beloved uncles and aunties always take things for granted. I have somehow realised this: no need to treat other good including my sibling. I need to have extra before I can give. So, uncle and Aunty, stop trying...... 

Life is too tough for me to give away what I earn. 

- dad's-

Lives as if it is your last moment

That's exactly how I have lives like for the past 4 years.  Lives as if it is my last moment in life.  Ever since I know that I could have been dead and/or I will one day be gone has made me lives everyday like it is my last.  I treasure every moment in my life, making sure it's 'lived' without any regret.  This, should not be the way it is for those who has some disease in them.  This, should be for everyone on earth.  No one know how and when we are going to die.
A friend's mother just past away after a week of being admitted to the hospital.  She was shocked to be told her mom got admitted.  I urged her to go home the next day before i left to a half day trip to Sandakan.  When I reached airport, she's at airport waiting for her flight.  We chat.... and she doesn't seems to be ready for the departure of her mother, even though she do know, her mother has not been well for the past one year.  Life is unpredictable.  I am glad she went home, spent a day with her mother before her mother collapsed completely and was admitted to ICU without the ability to breath by her own.
Today, she's sorting out things for her mom's funeral the whole day.  That's how short life is.  I am not sure how ready we all are, to face the death and also to lost someone we hold dearly.  It's no surprise to see my dad in the current stage, knowing that his condition will only deteriorate.  But it is somehow, heartbreaking to see how my dear mother coping with life as such.  Having the needs to take care of her husband, taking care of her daughter who is always in the run, worry about her son's family, etc.  Is that all of a life? If I didn't call her today and if she is gone tomorrow, yesterday would be our last communication. But well, who can guarantee we are still living tomorrow? or .. the next hour?
Life is shorter than what we expected.  We all thought having been in a different stage of life, our life is 'longer'... but that's not right.  According to His timing..... we only have 'a lifetime'.  Are we doing what we ought to do or rather, are we doing what we are assigned to do by Him? What if you haven't finish the assignment and He has taken you away? Is that mean we have missed the 'greatest' opportunity?
How do we lives or sustain our lives? By worrying about whether I have money to pay my staff next month or whether I will get pay next month or whether the loan i apply will be approved? or are we focusing on whether we have done what He has assigned us to do?
I am reminded again .... today, of what I should be focusing on.... and not what 'life' generally focuses on.

- Lives as if it is your last moment -

A good start?

I have recently took up the efforts to finally get the firm name, Kenneth Thien & Associates to change to PS Lin Chambers.  It has been about  5 years now that I have practise under the name and style of Kenneth Thien & Associates.   The main reason I didn't get the firm name changed 5 years ago because I wasn't sure whether I will want to continue to practise law in Sabah.  I have not been wanting to practise law as it has in many ways, 'depressed' me.  I cannot accept the fact that this country, even churches are not doing things in accordance with law, in upholding justice.  It seems like, the law I have been studying, is inapplicable to the practical lives we have in this country.  So, I gave myself 5 to 8 years to 'test' if I should continue to practise.  

Please do not get me wrong.  By changing the firm name this month, does not mean i will practise law in Sabah for the rest of my life.  Instead, it is a platform for me to proceed to quit and/or to proceed to the next step in life, i.e. a better living. 

I sent out an email notification last week to all law firms in Sabah that we have changed our Firm name, some friends and fella counsels called up to congratulates me, and some even approached, referring some cases to me.  I guess, i am not alone.  What surprised me was that, some, knowing that it's me who deal with the matter, knows all I need is to sort out the matters and not complicate matters.  Some, knows corruptions and briberies will not compromised my integrity and ethical practises.  I might not be a very famous lawyer in town.  I might not be a rich lawyer in town too.  In fact, I probably is the lawyer who is well known to be 'working alone' all the time.  Judges knows me as 'still new and dare to fight' for justice, but lack of experiences.  No one knows who was my master before this and who taught me how to stand up in court or conduct a trial alone.  In fact, I have learned by practising them, observing my opponents and learned from mistakes.  Those are always and still, my great teacher.  But I guess, I am well known that I will do the best for clients, I don't take up matters simply because of monies.  Of course, if justice cannot be uphold, I blame myself and the law system badly too ( I guess this happen to all my fellow colleagues too).  

It's a good start.  But as my mentor in KL told me once, "It is important to have a good start, but it is even more important to have a good end".  I hope, I will end up my practise and life of being known of the same, a lawyer with integrity and ethical.  

- A good start? - 

Wish and expectation...

Many people admire others who has big businesses and major profits..... and everyone wants to own a big company, earning a million a day....  many admire the others who have few thousands of working and wish, they will become 'rich', holding lots of projects in hands, etc.

Most of them, achieved all these during their younger days and declared that they have conquer the world under their feet.  Seriously, it is not difficult to start your own businesses.  Being a professional, it is even better, as we do not need to have any 'asset' to get works done.  All we need is, knowledges in our mind, which our parents invested through their hard earn savings and earning and our sleepless nights for only few years to get our license.

Many want to be boss, so that they can get away from sitting in the office all the time, so that they can go around meeting people and have some beers and according to them, that's the way of doing 'businesses', i.e. getting things connected.  Many wanted to 'use' their connections with others to build their portfolio, to get businesses and to get some big projects.  Most lawyers would just do whatever to get works from Banks, from Developers, and from big Companies.  They all told me, lawyers only survives if they are connected with these Big 3.  I agree, conveyancing matters are like bread and butter, but I disagree that I can only survive if I get connected with these Big 3.  On the other hand, Just because they are the Big 3, i go against them means, I can sue them..... they are the majority whom I can goes against and which other lawyers won't take up.

Is it really worth it in life to have a big company and earning big? I met a few big bosses these few days. all of them told me, they have sleepless nights most of the time.  They cannot remember when was the last time they slept soundly.  Worried about their companies, the big monies, sorting out messes, sorting out past messes that came back to haunt them now, etc. etc. It is seriously not difficult to start up a business.  But whether you will be able to maintain it, is another issue.

I am finding it hard, really.  Whenever I did not collect enough fund for the month, I worry a lot.  Thank God, by His grace, out of the 50 months,  I probably have only once or twice that I did not collect enough fund for the month (but i always have 2 months' reserves).  God is good.   My dream,is that, i will not have to worry about collection..... instead, I will be able to do what I like, research, reading... and teaching may be...  be it, I probably earning much lesser.... but i will enjoy my life to the fullest.

I am taking a year off (suppose), but just from January until April now... I am feeling soooooooo not in the mood for anything.  Life become so meaningless without the study part.  I am not very sure why, but...... goodness me.... shall I resume to study in September?  May be i should ai?

Instead of wasting another 1 semester?  May be I will be happier?

Well......  about earning and becoming rich? I rather maintain it small and steady.....  I guess...

- Wish and expectation -

Lost of confidence?

It caught my attention while sorting out some matters I filed earlier on, and after I read through all those pleadings I have done, I puzzled and wonder, how come I was dare to file such application or suits in the civil court.  I puzzled because, none of them, I was certain about getting what I prayed for and obviously, I have done more than what I know the law permits.  In a way, I challenged the law a lot for the past few years.  To my amazement, I got through them all.  So, I wonder if my 'thinking' is as straight as the laws suppose to be somehow.

Same matters came up again... in front of my clients, I talked about what we did and got and so the chances is to me, high enough to proceed.  But, inside me, I am not as confidence as I used to me.  I wonder and ponder and have been holding up matters for month or months now, refusing to sort that out and file them in court.

Reality however kicks in, and I am in need of monies and so, I am now pushed to get it done.  But the thing is, I tend to me lack of confidence, as I re-check the research and cases again and again and again and again..... and yet, no drafting has yet to have been completed.

Am I lacking of confidence or am I being more senior now that I do not want to embarrass myself anymore? In a way, am I now cannot afford to make mistake? That reminds me what my ex-bosses (master) told me, that I should make every single mistakes during my junior time, especially pupillage, which I obviously did and due to the fact that I do not have anyone guiding me through after my pupillage, I struggled through everything myself by banging my head on the wall.  Now that everyone knows who is Lin Pei San in court, I have to behave.

Well, reality strike, I HAVE to do what I ought to do in this profession, even without any confidence.  I am grateful to my master (Tawau) that he emailed me and told me that even him, realised how much I have improved in my drafting, and so on.  Well, that helps a bit, but I am still challenging the laws that's uncertain in this country so far and I wonder how far can this go.

- Lost of confidence? -

Part of life...

I was sitting down with a friend over lunch... and suddenly, she raised the issue that, i shouldn't have bother about her and I should just go do what I like, i.e. move out from KK.  This, raised, when she realised that all my closest friends, are residing in either US or UK or Australia (and I am certainly being reminded).  That's right, I have a lots of friends and I do have close friends.... just that, they are all oversea, not in Malaysia.  I guess one of the reason why people think i ought to belong to 'oversea' countries because .... life styles here are just not what I can adopt easily.
But over the years, this is what I think.... everywhere is the same (may be I am old enough to think that way) because all that I need is a job, earning capacity, and home.  I cannot remember when was the last time I went out for yum cha with friends or movies with friends or dinner with friends.... there's not many in KK for me to hang around with really and even if I get invited, I would rather stay at home.  That's the 'problem'. hahahahaha....
All I need to do now is to make sure that, I earn enough so that I can have enough to travel to visit all my friends occasionally (my only hobby now).  US is probably next if not Melbourne, to visit my cousins.  For an obvious reason, I have more friends in UK still.  But I do have lots of relatives and friends in Australia and Canada.
It's part of life.  Everyone is having their own life to lives at. Me, at the age of 40, may be i should think about what to do after 60 too.  I hope, by then, my house has fully paid for, I have extra savings for travelling and enjoy - only if I am not dead yet.
Suddenly, I am missing everyone.  Could be the loneliness after a few days (if not weeks) of meeting friends and family members.
Guess, at some point of life, I do need to lives 'alone' and guess that's part of my life.
- Part of life -

Treasure-s

When I stepped into my place, i realised, it's over....they have left. I just say bye to them...shook their hand and... Off they go, departed.... 

I somehow forgot how much I missed them....and I forgot how much I love them. I didn't spend much time with them during Chinese New Year in tawau because I know she has a lot of people to meet and I have a few days having them with me in kk.... 

I was not well and I was exhausted due to work before they arrive.... But somehow their presence brought me much joy. 

I don't know when will I see them again.... And I certainly dunno how much longer our friendship will last... But it reminds me, we have been through really a lot.....together.... Even though it has been lesser for the past few years.... 

I have never this emotional .... But after saying bye to them this time round somehow make me wonder... Will i lose them soon..... This feeling..... It has been a while.... A long while.... Guess my cold heart has just been melted.....again. 

It must be God who's trying to make me 'feel' that again..... 

I really treasure this friendship.... Be it good or bad.... I did and I am....if I don't see them anymore, .... I have no regret....

- treasure -

Love...

After years of being in this professions, I stop trying to understand what love is. Apart from knowing God loves me unconditionally.... I have to agree and accept that no one else in this world besides my parents will love me unconditionally and regardless of who I am. Even this, it took me years to finally get my mom to love me of whom I am.... I understand I am not 'ordinary' and I am definitely as lovely as others..... 

However, being loved by others seems like what God want me to realised over the past few years.... God seems to proves my theory or understanding wrong by sending people to love me..... I admit I used to stay on to that theory of mine and stay away from people....and refuse to accept that there will be people who do loves me..... Well, to begin with, I am not someone who is easy to be loved and I do not want to trouble others with that....

Well, over the years, I am overwhelmed with joy and comforts over people who know how to loves me, I.e. Be around when I needed them, give me space when I needed it, warm my heart when it's cold, making sure I step into the church when I don't feel like doing that, joke with me, cry with me, pray with me, battle the difficulties of my life with me.... Etc. etc. and even go bankrupt and travel with me.... Haha.....

Nothing is better in life than this..... Even if I have to face death next, I am contented of having all these people arounds me for the past few years.....

Thank you..... And I love you so much!!!

-love-

Moody & Fatigue

I hate being alone over the weekend not having much things to aim for. Previous year, I have assignments, tutorials and all to keep me occupied and it has been for a long while now, that I forgot how I got through my weekend before that. 

Worse still, I was so hurt by what my mom said about me on Friday night and no one seems to understand my feeling at all. I feel rejected, not being appreciated and I am just being 'forgotten' .... 

This morning I woke up and realized I am still suffering fatigue and stomach diaconfort. I commented about having dizziness while I was having gastric on fb after a friend's comment and I didn't realized it brought to my cousin's concern that I might be suffering from mild heart attack.

After talking to her for a while, we agreed that it might be the low and unusual haemoglobin level that caused lack of oxygen in my brain that caused anemia. 

The last blood test is a bit worrying indeed. Guess it is time to pay doctor a visit. But, can I not? 

Life ha not been giving me any excitement. Negativity set in more often than not these days. Easy entry indeed. 

With no chance to finish off my LLM, suddenly, I don't have anything to aim for or look forward to.  I don't know if it is blood thing. Life to me, is pointless. 

I am reaching 40. How long more to end this suffering? How much more life I can enjoy this creation of God? 

My health has been deteriorating ....  And I wonder if I will ever wake up the next day. 

- fatigue -

Happy new year!!!! - a new year prayer

"New".  I can feel a lot of people made lots of plans about new year eve, new year day, dinner, party, ... holiday, etc. etc.  As I was thinking to finish my assignment these 2 days, I did not success much because the bunch of friends i have in KK came over for dinner and to hang around until 1am.  And I have my uncle and aunty coming over for a 2 days stay - to attend a wedding.
However, i have done 85% of what I should be doing and I should be able to finalist two of the assignments soon.  All I need is 5 hours maximum.

New, is suppose to be happy, exciting, looking forward to.  I am not sure what it means to you for a new year to come.  May be you are anticipating its coming because you have a very bad 2014.  Or you want a change in your life, etc.  It was a crazy 2014 with a lots of step of faith in life happened.  I am not very sure if I like 2014 or don't like 2014.  2014 has given me not only once, but few months of heart attack due to lack of funds in the office.  It's a slow economic year.  Many didn't feel that as an employees.  I am not surprise.  But it's heart attack to me and my account staff for many months, thinking if we will alive the next month. hahahaha...  Anyhow, having faith in God for His providence seems like the only way out.  It's not an easy lesson.

I don't know how we are going to survive for January 2015 alone.... and so, I don't know if I will survive 2015 at all.  What more, when we had lots of laughters on the eve of 2015, I opened the news in the morning and saw many disasters and sadness still happening around the world.  Putting myself in the AA victim's family member, the ebola nurse, the shanghai deceased's family, the Italian ferry victim shoes.... how did they 'celebrated' their so call new year eve?

What's to be 'celebrate' about serious? I wonder....  where does 'future' lies? Do I want to wake up everyday worry about what to eat, where to get money ? Do I want to wake up everyday feeling 'hopeless'?  I plea for open doors, for opportunity, for blessing and prosperity......... is not just my prayer this morning, but .... a plea.....

- God, have mercy on me! -