In a day....!

Since young, because I was staying at the Church compound and because my parents are very devoted Christian, I have been too many weddings, funerals, fullmoon, baptism, etc.  You name it.  However it's a very rare occasion that I attended both funeral and full moon party at the same day, especially I am very close with the 2 families. 
Due to my busy schedule, I have not seen my dear Godson and his family for almost a month now.  They thought I have moved to another church. hahahaha... anyway, ... I came to now many things happen in a month.  Besides my more constant pains suffered, aunty also passed away before I came back from Tawau last Tuesday. She passed away on Monday morning.  And because of the clergy conference and all in Tawau.... everyone basically were in Tawau while I came back.  By the way, thank you for those who paid my parents a visit.  They appreciate it a lot.  Thanks for remembering them in your prayer and also any time whenever you people are in Tawau.  I am so impressed by my dad's influenced. hahaha....
Oh well, I have not know aunty for a long long time.  I came to know she's not well when she had her second stroke and was hospitalised in KK.  I remember lending my car to the family because my little small Kelisa has a good height in fetching sick people.  Thereafter, I knew they moved to KK to stay with the family and due to my sickness and constant visit to the family, I did managed to spend some time with aunty.... seriously, I haven't seen her ever since she moved to Sandakan before the second baby came.  Hearing from the eulogy by her second daughter today made me understand completely how depressed she must be after he stroke.  She had her 3rd stroke when she landed Sandakan and I remember her 3rd daughter were busy sending the medical report by courier out that very same day while I was babysitting at their place.  A few months later, ... aunty is now gone with the Lord.  She told her second daughter she wanted to die so much after the 3rd stroke.  When said that, I believe, and I can feel how suffering she must be then.... to a point of death.  I've been there.  I know no one will want to be released to be with the Lord, unless she/he cannot bear anymore.  No one in the world will understand what she's having.  She must be in such pain and suffering that only Jesus able to understand.  Thanks for the second daughter's care and love.  She was well and discharged and back to KK after a few months. It's not easy for the family.... but God has anyhow listened to her cries for release.... she is now back to the Lord and I am sure she's very much happy now. 
Full moon party!!!!  Ghoooosh.... it's such a fun to have Papa Smurf, smurf and Donald duck around.. The children went crazy and we had headache and fun. hahahaha.... So, yes... today was a busy day and I am going to bed now. 
- In a day... !!!

Finally,... realised....

The question of why a group of people came to my apartment and forced me to go out from my room was finally reviewed during my last visit to Singapore.  Looks like someone in KL called my housemate and told her about me wanting to kill myself.  My question was, how true that was? and ... did I really sent her sms asking for rescue or what? If I would to ask for help, why didn't I call or sms someone near me?
Anyway, even though this is reviewed, I am still wondering why they said I hurt them.  I still not very sure why they said so. 
Are these important? hmm..... seriously, I will never come to know the exact answers for sure since they have decided to leave me alone since then... by pushing me to my parents. I would say, that's even more hurt than anything.... the rejection and the total neglects. 
So, the facts? I still can't be sure what's going on then. Only they knew.... thanks, friend... for telling me. hahahaha.....
- Finally... realised.... -

Conditions!

Most people know I have been having not only one, but a few medical conditions.  Of course everyone is immune to it including myself. So the only way to ease the tension, we jokes about it most of the time.  It's a rainy season ... and my leg has been giving me much problem.  With the additional sprain few weeks back, goodness, today I walked like an handicap and the speed is down to 2 (10 is the highest and fastest).  It has been in pain and it has been giving me a lots of discomforts and pain.  I can hardly move around easily.
My other condition that's facing now is not a medical condition. It's office condition!  Interestingly... my staff has been 'boycotting'.... and I found out he has not done so many things and I keep receiving complains from clients ... and Banks.  I wonder what has he been doing while I was away and too busy in Court for the past 2 months.  Just when I thought I can take a break, I am needed to sort out all the mess in the office.  With that, disregard of the financial condition, I have hired a part time executive to help me up.  She is more like a PA to me instead.  I am sorting out the office spaces, finances, marketing, administration... you name it. Meanwhile, I am waiting for the potential Sandakan firm for discussion over merges of firms.
Meanwhile, I am seriously thankful to some Tawau lawyers to help me with some chasing of documents and titles due to what my staff's failure/mistakes.
The other condition of course is financial condition.  Business has been moving very slowly and scary..... I am not receiving payment for my fees.... everyone is asking me to hold.  I don't know what I should do really...  it's been really tough few months or me.  Been busy with trials, and yet, didn't get payment.  You know how bad it is? Yeah...................I can only trust God to provide and bless me.
- Conditions -

Problem...

As I am waiting at the car service centre waiting for my car to finish its service, I am letting my mind wonder and ponder over issues not so much related to my substantial work, but on administration.  That's the problem of being a boss.  Anything that's not right in the office, it's my duty to make sure it is fixed.  Due to my frequent absent in the office in November and December 2012, somehow, things are not 'moving'.  It's not progressing and my clerk wasn't doing his job.  For that reason, I have not given him more increment nor bonus.  He promised me that he will do better and there will be changes in his performance starting January.  However, I have discovered more and more error, mistakes, slowness of works, etc that's dissatisfying to a point, I have to issue warning letter and deduct his salary. 
Ever since I know I cannot make decision myself anymore with my illness, I called a few good friends and told them what happen and hope they will give me good advice.  Of course one of them have been boss herself for years and so, after listening to what I told her, she gathered that my staff should be facing some personal problem which prevent him from focusing in his work.  He is either facing some family problem or financial problem or even relationship problem. 
I am taking her advise seriously and thinking of doing some counselling work this morning.  Just when I am thinking about it, my mom called asked me if I am doing alright.  I told her what happen to my staff recently and she thought I should really find out if he is facing some problem.  Mom told me I must pray before approaching him and talk to him to find out what happen to him.
Seriously.... I always appreciate him.  He is only not performing his duty satisfying recently.  There must be something happen that I am not aware of.  From being angry and furious, I am not worry and concern....
I checked my office account just a while ago and wonder, thinking... whether there's anything I can help him with in his finances.  May be his parents, being non-Christian and not so wealthy  demand him to give extra to the family? Hmm....I am seriously taking this morning to wonder and checking what are the ways I can help him financially.  Haiz.... it's not easy to be boss.  Seriously. I cannot be not bothering about colleagues anymore like I usually did.  I need to look into the issues and try solving problem.. 
Meanwhile, I have to sort out mistake and works that's being delayed.  I need to pay for the interest to make sure clients are not angry, etc.  In a way, I am busy.  Very busy and stress now. :(  Glad I have a good holiday with some really good friends in Singapore last weekend.  (Still cannot believe I missed meeting up with my childhood good friends from Sydney). 
Problem? I guess everyone has problem now and then.  Let's hope things can be resolved and settle without anymore complain... and meanwhile, trying very hard to sort out for the firms merges... Praying hard!
- Problem -

Civilisation!

I always think I need to lives in the City.  I love civilisation, technology, high fly buildings and working in the city's main business centre is always what I want to do.  Wearing suits to office everyday is what I wanted all these while.  However, since the day I realised I cannot cope the stress physically, I have retrieved myself to the smallest city, Kota Kinabalu, Sabah. 
Having been in this city for so long, I always try to balance myself by visiting to a very busy city like Hong Kong and/or Singapore.  I have been visiting Singapore on a yearly basis for years before I changed my destination to Hong Kong. 
Due to the sudden, busy schedule in Court for the past 2 months, I can and desperately needed a visit to a civilised country soon to de-stress.  Yes.  People come to Sabah to enjoy the nature to de-stress and I need to go to a civilised country to de-stress.  By entering into civilised country for a short trip, it's like a fish was put back to sea. hehe...
After 'being forbidden' to visit Singapore again by a close friend, I have not been visiting Singapore for a long long time.  Seriously, Singapore is a BORING country.  This trip, Singapore has shown me that it's not only boring, but it is also less civilised.  It's less civilised because its people has changed.  I can see people being rude on the streets these days.  Toilets are no longer clean, etc.  In a way, people has made Singapore to be less civilised.  It's sad to have known this to be serious. I thought HK is bad enough, but Singapore is worse.... that makes me miss England's country side even more... 
- Civilised! -

Burden!

People keep telling me that I hurt them during the most difficult time of my life.  Yeah...it's not only sounds ridiculous, but it's also happen in a very ridiculous way anyway.  During the most difficult of my life, they are not only not to try to give me comforts and help me, but instead, they still keep telling me that I hurt them.  I never tell them back that what they were telling me was already hurting me even deeper. I guess they don't really care much about how much they hurt me, instead, all they care is, whether they are hurt themselves.  I still do not know how I hurt them.  May be by 'suffering' what I was going through then? I was glad enough if they didn't hurt me even more nor gave me more pain and suffering.  But obviously, that's not what they did. I couldn't believe what I heard from my own trusted priest when he told me "everyone is hurt".  I still do not know what it means until today.  Everyone is? as hurt as I was? I don't think so.  What's so hurt to be honest? Did they lost job, father, best friends, church, etc? If not, what's more hurt then what I was suffering?  More so, the Priest also told me that may be this is the burden I need to carry though myself.  I believe all he said.  I did carried the whole burden through... I am still carrying it until today after 2 years.  The different now is that I am not asking for help anymore.  Instead, I am pushing everyone aside because I do not want to get another reply telling me that they are hurt.  So, here.. if they think what they did were not hurting me enough to bring me down to depression, and they are blameless for anything.... then they are very wrong in this. Yes.  It's my decision to cut off all the relationship with all these hypocrites who claim they have the love of Christ.  Bullshit.... ! Carried your own burden? BULLSHIT!
When I watched LOTR last week, I saw how 2 friends gone through the most difficult time together.  The one who carried the burden told the other that it's a burden he needs to carry it himself.  It's something only he can do and it's a task that's so dangerous and tempting for one to sins.  His friend saw him went through the path that's so difficult and he slips and couldn't make it through... his friend can't carry his burden for him, but he didn't left him nor just stare at him or wait there.  He carried him through..... without his friend, nothing ends in the perfect way.  The mission can't be accomplished.  Without his friend, things wouldn't end in the right timing too.
Sadly, I do not have such friends when I was sent to CCL to accomplish the mission God sent me.  Everyone went down the mountain nor just stand there stared at me see how I failed.  They were critising every move I made.  They were throwing stone at me, putting more struggles and difficulties to the path I was going through and still at the same time, told me.... "We are hurt too!".  Can you imagine what did I go through now?
Yes...... that's hell like.  It's worse than hell.  When I was at a position where I was worse than hell, ... tell me then, why would I bothers about going to hell then? Now, does it make sense now about why I want to kill myself and I do not want bother much about killing myself and end it?
Oh... yes.  You are hurt too? Which part of you and for how long and was it worse than hell?
Now, does it makes sense to ask someone to went through a situation that's worse than hell to help others who is in difficulties? hahaha....now a day, I will not even respond when you tell me you need help, etc.  Go bear your own burden because by telling me you need help, I am hurt too. hahahahahaha... yes.  I have learned that.  So, don't bother about asking help from me.  Not a chance of getting help from me.  My compassion is gone.  Forever.
- Burden! -

Responsibility / obligation?

There's a different between client and customer.  I believe not everyone knows the different.  Everyone just assume they are the same.  Everyone think those who pay them money is call client.  But they are customer instead.  Well, the different is that, PROFESSIONAL ADVICE is not needed when you serve a customer.  They paid, get their goods/products they wanted and they left.  Clients are those who pay you and at the same time, needed you for your professional services.  You can't denied your customer's request but you can denied your client's request especially when you know it is not possible to be done. 
I hates dealing with rich client.  They thought once they paid you for the service, you are obliged to give them everything they asked for. Unfortunately, that's not possible especially when it involves many parties including the Banks, other lawyers, etc.  The advocate and solicitors in this country has duty towards not only their clients, but also their opponent, the judge, the court, etc. Sadly, most CLIENT didn't bothers about this.  They have the impression that once they paid for the services, all that they requested should be done, including things which cannot be done. 
They can also 'bribe' you or 'threaten' you to follow their instruction and if you don't, they just pass the matter to another law firm and you will lost the profit. 
I hates being 'threaten'.  I usually let go for those clients to make my client's profile clean and nice. Be it those are small clients or cases.  That's the main reason why I think I don't like to do developer and bank's jobs.
Stop telling me how many judges and senior lawyers you know and how well you know the law, etc.  If you have only the knowledge and not qualified to do the job, stop talking and listen to the qualified person's advice.  In conveyancing matters especially.... I don't think all the judges know the process of conveyancing these days if they are not on it everyday.  Don't tell me the senior manager of a bank know anything about your matters. Small number of them do know. But not all.  Most o them do not know.  It's their staff who did all the works.  So, stop telling me you know the biggest boss of the banks and/or the Chief Judge.  I can guarantee you once these people are mentioned, I will ask you to go get it done yourself and/or find another lawyer.  I really hates this.
There's just too much efforts I put in achieving this and I certainly won't want to destroy my career because you want me to comply with whatever non-sense request  you asked me to. You probably have the money but you might not have the brain to own a degree in law.  And seriously, not being a judge doesn't mean I am less smart than them.  IT's just that I do not choose to be one.  I don't think I am not as smart as them. I probably even smarter than them.  I am not famous because I do not want to be famous.  Not because I can't be famous.  So, stop looking down at me and 'threaten' me. 
Yes.  Just for the record, I have let go of a 1.2 Million deal and scolded a 4.2 millions deal's client just today.  Am I afraid of losing them as my client?
I don't think someone who is always ready to die is afraid of anything about losing just MONEY.  If those money are not clean and good to earn, I don't think it bothers me at all.  So, STOP 'splashing the money over my face'. 
My responsibility is not only to my client.  They are my client. NOT customer. 
- Responsibility/obligation? -

First day of work

I woke up by a the alarm at 7am and I was having bad mood and difficulties in getting up. In fact, I have not been having good mood for the past one week.  No idea what caused it. Guess it's either PMS and/or stress. Anyway, I have not been able to push myself to meeting people... except those whom  can give me 'stress free' mood. hahaha... ya.  I do have a bunch these days because they don't really know me much and so, don't really bothers me so much either. :) And I am definitely just their casual friend. 
Oh well, I have court this morning. When I reached the Court, I met an old friend (ex-church member), one of those who is good church member. :) Then, I was told my favourite judge is not available today and my case was to be before another judge.
However, when I entered the Judge's chamber, I was surprise to see someone familiar.  He even recognised me and called me, Miss Lin.  The Court interpreter definitely shocked. Well, matter was done happily well and I finished court around 10am and thereafter, I went to get a cup of Starbucks.  When I entered, I met an old friend and he spent me a cup of Mocha.  Nice !  And on the first working day of 2013, I received payment, done with 2 files' filing, did some arrangement, met a client and drafted the first draft of my written submission which due on the 6th. 
It's a fruitful and productive start of the year I would say. 
Mood wise.... it has not been 'increase' in any manner.... guess I just hope it's not 'decreasing' for now that's all. 
- First day of work -

Happy 2013!

The first discussion I had with a friend about 2013 was, "uncertainty". hahahaha.... yes.  That's exactly what I am facing and what my friend is facing too.  Somehow, cases are ending and I can't see the future.... with my own naked eyes.  Of course, I can now only relied and have faith in God.  For knowing and experienced how faithful He is to me for the past 25 years, .... I have the faith that He is going to guide me and bless me and provide to me for my needs.  If I have not been spending 80% of my earning in the air and going to and fro between KK and Tawau, I probably is a millionaire now or at least, debts free.  But unfortunately.... that's not the case.  However, I am thankful that I have enough and I can still manage to fly between towns. 
I have failed and didn't really bother much to bother and define what's really is 'blessing' these days.  I can only think and define it as having enough to spend for the needs. 
For 2012, my only resolution was to 'stay alive'.  God did and helped and provided for 2012 and indeed, I am still alive.  Thanks for VT and YL who came back to KK for good in time to save me from killing myself.  Thanks for more people who suffer depression that started to realised and understand what I meant by not being able to control myself and my emotions, etc.  Thanks for the conflicts in church that caused more people to understand how much suffering I had in CCL, etc.
Thank to my mom and dad of course for making me to stay alive for sure.  Being the only person who gave a smile to my dad's face.... I know I need to stay alive in order he can feel a bit of happiness in his suffering.  I know by seeing me doing good and well, he is happy already.  Mom started to know more about what I do due to my works in Tawau.  Thanks for those who caring friends who passed me cases.  Thanks for opportunities to met and worked and dealt cases with senior lawyers.  Thanks for nasty lawyers who made me feel awesome when I defeated them.
There's just too many to thank and there's definitely a lot of joy due to only one reason: expect nothing and not wanting to lives.  hahahaha....
For 2013, my only resolution is to get even closer to God.  I will try to finish the Bible in one year again for the 8th time of my life. Of course I don't need to mention about having faith in Him for providence, etc. I KNOW He is going to be bless me, be it I like it or not. :)
For 2012, I have blessed many and I will continue to be a blessing too. So, yes.... that's 2013 and for 2013, without medication and all, I will still try to stay alive, no matter I like it or not.
May you all set a higher aim for 2013. 
- Happy 2013!-