I think I am stress!

I am not sure and I wasn't realise it, not until a friend said it. But, what stressed me out? I ponder for a long while and I still couldn't find the answer. It's this 'emptiness' that I am feeling... and I really couldn't make out what it is, hence despites numerious demand to voice it out, I found myself having nothing in particular to tell. It's as good as 'empty' thought or... may be, it's mixture of EVERYTHING?

Oh well, I can't say I have nothing much to do in the office as I am seriously busy with a few new cases and also to close a few within these 2 months too. Work is definately picking up and in less than a month time, I will have to travel to England for a mission conference. This week, I'll be taking a day off for the mission conference too. So, everything has to be done before I left for England and everything seems URGENT.

I was checking my diary yesterday and I noted that, a major case is around the corner and wow... what have I done so far in this case I ponder and ... seriously, NOTHING as yet. Could this be the cause of my stressful mind or could that be because of my financial instability?

Since the last post, I guess God heard my 'struggles' too... and so, 2 clients have paid up and so, at least, those income can cover a bit of my monthly expenses. I guess, when we rely on Him 100%, I mean, 100%, only then He would be to do more for us. Don't you think? I am still hoping to receive more payment in a week or 2 times.

Oh well, these 2 weeks, I will be very busy to finalise at least 5 cases in hand. I am going to be stressful... so, pardon me if you happen to be the 'victim' of my stressful mind.

- I think I am stress! -

??

I am not very sure I am immuned to my current situation or I finally released my burden to the Lord, but somehow, I just have the feeling of 'don't care, don't worry'. What am I referring to in particular? My current financial situation. For the first month, I can just don't bother to bill people, collect fees, or even seeking for clients, etc. I was just busy with works on my table and work and work and work...thereafter, I spent some time to with my parents, friends, etc. etc. I just don't bother much about where my finances/income be derives from.

Obviously, it shocked me last week when my account clerk reminded me that "Boss, you have no payment come in yet" and I was stunned for a little while and I started to worry... for a few seconds...trying to remember how much more money left I have in all my bank accounts and will that amount of money enough for me to survive for this month. Obviously, nope... hahahaha... but suprisingly, I still not so worry about it.

Now, tell me... if I should worry about it or not. I am seriously... immuned to my current situation and I realy acted "NEVERMIND" to every situation that comes my way. Goodness...!!!! What happen to me?

By the way, I seriously billed some clients, but of 6 I billed, 1 withdraw the case, another paid and the rest remain unpaid... Why am I being treated like that at ALL time ha? *xian*

Oh.. not to worry, by God's grace, I can still survive for another 2 months, I think... hahahaha....

- ?? -

Failure?

Lack of confidence has always been an issue for me. I remember when I was young, nothing seems 'correct'. Whatever I do, it's 'wrong'. I wasn't good in my studies, I wasn't good in sport, I wasn't good in piano, I wasn't good in art and I just simply wasn't good in everything. My parents, brother, relatives, have always told me directly and indirectly that I am not good in whatever I do. In a way, the message of "I am a failure" has always stucked in me. Words that came from all these people has certainly made a deep scare or mark in my heart until today. Of course, not many arounds me today understand what I am suffering. It has been years and even myself, I almost forgot about it until it struck me again.

Yes... the phrase "I am a failure" once again struck me lately. I know I am not a good lawyer. I too know that I won't be like others, achieving things, earning a lot, etc. I am just not those and will not be those I guess. Nothing ever seems 'right' all these while. Good things just won't happen to me I guess...

I have been blamed a lot lately by others... of my failure to 'perform' something. At least, I know I have failed to be who I should. It has somehow, reminded me of - me, a failure... and will always be a failure.

- Failure? -

Beyond my control

1. My brain is out of my control. I suffer from memory loss frequently lately. I only realise I suffer serious memory loss when I took a long hours flight, but I realise, I am worse lately. It could be because I travel quite a bit lately and that, I suffer memory loss more frequently lately. Seriously, I am not sure if it is my pillow that caused it but it seriously beyond my control.

2. Situation that I am in. There are in many times, I tried to take control of where I shall be staying, but in may times, due to some other circumstances or situation, I am not being given a choice. So, when a friend called me this morning asked why am I in KK, I answered him "I don't know". Hahaha... If you want to ask me why a lawyer like me is so poor, I really wonder the same and I am seriously wonder now when is the client is going to pay me. ...

3. Feelings. I have a serious problem in controlling my own feelings towards things, people and situation. So, if you want to ask me 'why' I like a certain people and dislike a certain people, or why I like blue and not yellow, and why I am angry on this and not that, please... I don't know how to answer all those questions. I believe there's a reason behind, but... don't ask me. I really don't know.

- beyond my control -

Inexplainable facts

I am seriously in this dilemma of not knowing how to explain things people thought wrongly about me. I guess, I am at fault to put across such mindset and thoughts to their mind. Somehow, that's the only thing they thought I am and hence, they always hold that as 'correct'. No matter how much efforts I put to change their mindset, still, I failed to explain myself. To a point, I am giving up. I am seriously giving up. Hence, some realise I am distant myself from being with a certain group of people and I have also found it difficult and to be exact, I am lazy to deal with things anymore.

I guess some people just think I am the only person who will hurt them with my words and my actions sometimes and they never thought I am too, hurt by them. They too expect I step the step first to care for them and they never need to do that to me, ha? Yes, I am a giver but I am not a giver by nature. I learned from situation too. I might be able to give more than receiving, and no complain with that. But, please... I too a human being... !!! To choose between giving and receiving, sometimes, I just need some time to receive then to give. If you have fail to see this point, too bad. If you push me to give while I need to receive, you are seriously pushing me away.

Hai... what can I say? Concern? Care? Some people just need to learn to concern and care for others wheareas, people like me probably need to learn how to accept concern and care. Yes. After many years of giving and giving and giving... I probably need to learn how to accept concern and care. Oh well, may be... it's the methods people used against me that I am not used to? Whatever....

- inexplainable facts -

Prayer...

I cannot remember when was the last time I really prayed so hard about something to happen. I am seriously praying hard for things to happen as I prayed.

- prayer -

Lazy day!

Yes... after a few days of running around and stressing, I finally feel so tired and lazy to work. After court matters this morning, I told myself that I want to take a few hours off from work. Hence, together with a friend, we went for lunch (was suppose to be breakfast, but due to works, we went to a place and we stucked there for a while) and thereafter, we went for a little but quick shopping. I didn't get anything but my friend did... she has spent about RM400.00. hahaha.... anyway, good for her!!!

Well, after I came back to office and worked on a few things, I really am thinking of going home a little earlier today. Yes, you got me... I am LAZY today!!!

- lazy day -

Nightmare continue...

It was Friday evening that I was reminded somehow that I need to file a written submission within this week, before 09.05.2008. I guess when I was reminded, I shocked my mother who standed just right besides me. I cannot remember whether it was the conversation between my mom and I that reminded me of the date, or some other things... but anyway, I as kind of worried then as I totally forgot about it for a few days. When I returned to Kota Kinabalu that evening, I was so tired and restless until I forgot about it ... and the next day, nightmare came when my client called me to confirm the status of the matter. I tried to get it sorted by today, but because I was 'forced' to come back to office yesterday after church and lunch, I picked up some documents and started to work on it in my mind.

I worked on it for hours after I returned from dinner yesterday and this morning, the first thing I did was to start preparing for this case. Yes, I just got it done and I skipped lunch. I am having a little break plus a little lunch only now. And you know what? ... my client is coming at 4pm and I have 2 matters in the High Court tomorrow morning. Tonight, I have prayer meeting too and guess what? I'll have to bring works to church tonight. hahaha... nightmare isn't it?

- nightmare -

Past few days!

Over the past few days... while everyone was expecting to have a good rest over the Labour day public holiday and also the weekend (some took Friday off too so that they can have a longer holiday), I was seriously stucked with works since Wednesday morning. Clients arrived from Vietnam on Tuesday late night and on Wednesday morning, upon receiving their instruction, we (my partner and I) started preparing all our paper works and also filing and getting an Order to restrain a work done by the named Defendant in the suit. It was a hectic afternoon as everyone was expecting to have a great holiday the next day and everyone in the court were trying to avoid "rush-work". As such, we had to tried harder for the things to moved and only by 4:30pm, our case were being heard and Order was only drafted and signed and sealed at around 5pm. It was rush. Our clients were happy about us successfully getting the Order and they left the court after that, to Tawau to serve the said Order to the Defendant. We, however, rushed back to the office and did another piece of work which we need to file it on Friday morning. We thought, after we are done with that on Wednesday evening, we shall be able to have a good holiday the next day.

We managed to get the documents done before 8pm and I rushed for my cell group meeting. Thanks for my other wonderful cell members though... for taking up the last minutes instruction to lead the cell. I am really proud of you all. I went home, took my shower and slept for a few hours.

The next day, I woke up at 6:30am and went for a walk at Bukit Padang with some friends until around 8:30am and after breakfast, I was thinking to get myself a newspaper and go home and relax myself for a while before going for a house warming lunch. However, while I was on my way home, I received a phone call from my partner that our clients sent an SMS to her telling her that they are being locked in a house. She then SMS them back asked if he needs us to lodge a police report. The only replied we got was "URGENT!". We then decided to lodge a police report. Since we alerted both the police in Tawau and Kota Kinabalu and it was known to the Defendant, the Defendant somehow, brought our clients to the police station and told the police that it's just a misunderstanding. Well, our clients are safe and they flew back to Kota Kinabalu right after that.

On Friday morning, we were ordered by the trial judge that we need to server all the cause papers to the Defendant by next Monday and right after the hearing, we received valuable information stating that the Defendant have decided to disobey the Order served on them. We do not know how true that can be so in order for the caused papers to reach Defendant before Monday and to stop them from disobeying the Order, I was forced to travel to Tawau (by First/Business Class though, due to no more seats available at the economic class) immediately. Upon reaching Tawau, we were late, but our clients manage to negotiate with the Defendant. I stayed at home for the whole afternoon, had dinner and left Tawau thereafter after arranged the cause papers with someone else. It's glad to be able to visit my parents. I can see how much they miss me althought I have been quite 'naughty' at home normally. hahaha...

Well, that has made me missed them so much. Hmm... I hate that feeling... especially after I arrived here in KK, being alone... and the question of "why am I not staying there over the weekend" strucks me hard.

Oh well... glad that some really good TVB movies did manage to lighten me and calm me down before I went to bed at 2:30am.

Today, when phone calls rang with regards to works were received, it just took my 'relaxing' moment away...

By the way, sorry and thank you for those who tried very hard to cope with my always sudden and urgent departures which leaves you hard time in finding replacement. If I have the choice, I wouldn't have done that. I mean it... !!!

- past few days! -