Love...

After years of being in this professions, I stop trying to understand what love is. Apart from knowing God loves me unconditionally.... I have to agree and accept that no one else in this world besides my parents will love me unconditionally and regardless of who I am. Even this, it took me years to finally get my mom to love me of whom I am.... I understand I am not 'ordinary' and I am definitely as lovely as others..... 

However, being loved by others seems like what God want me to realised over the past few years.... God seems to proves my theory or understanding wrong by sending people to love me..... I admit I used to stay on to that theory of mine and stay away from people....and refuse to accept that there will be people who do loves me..... Well, to begin with, I am not someone who is easy to be loved and I do not want to trouble others with that....

Well, over the years, I am overwhelmed with joy and comforts over people who know how to loves me, I.e. Be around when I needed them, give me space when I needed it, warm my heart when it's cold, making sure I step into the church when I don't feel like doing that, joke with me, cry with me, pray with me, battle the difficulties of my life with me.... Etc. etc. and even go bankrupt and travel with me.... Haha.....

Nothing is better in life than this..... Even if I have to face death next, I am contented of having all these people arounds me for the past few years.....

Thank you..... And I love you so much!!!

-love-

Moody & Fatigue

I hate being alone over the weekend not having much things to aim for. Previous year, I have assignments, tutorials and all to keep me occupied and it has been for a long while now, that I forgot how I got through my weekend before that. 

Worse still, I was so hurt by what my mom said about me on Friday night and no one seems to understand my feeling at all. I feel rejected, not being appreciated and I am just being 'forgotten' .... 

This morning I woke up and realized I am still suffering fatigue and stomach diaconfort. I commented about having dizziness while I was having gastric on fb after a friend's comment and I didn't realized it brought to my cousin's concern that I might be suffering from mild heart attack.

After talking to her for a while, we agreed that it might be the low and unusual haemoglobin level that caused lack of oxygen in my brain that caused anemia. 

The last blood test is a bit worrying indeed. Guess it is time to pay doctor a visit. But, can I not? 

Life ha not been giving me any excitement. Negativity set in more often than not these days. Easy entry indeed. 

With no chance to finish off my LLM, suddenly, I don't have anything to aim for or look forward to.  I don't know if it is blood thing. Life to me, is pointless. 

I am reaching 40. How long more to end this suffering? How much more life I can enjoy this creation of God? 

My health has been deteriorating ....  And I wonder if I will ever wake up the next day. 

- fatigue -