Who am I?

Since young, I have been known as so and so's daughter, so and so's sister and so and so's niece... and it has been a 'pressure' to me ever since I know that I am being 'known' ... because of the connection I have ... and so, I have always wonder, who can I be if I have no connection with them, i.e., my father, my mother, my brother, my uncles and aunties... hence, the urge of leaving my home town lies on me since the day I entered into secondary school. Trust me, not a single teacher in my primary school doesn't know who I am. I can't be naughty, I can't be showing any attitudes problems and so on. In a way, I am being 'watched' and 'monitored' at all time. That's the kind of pressure I have during my growing up process. Hence, that's the reason why I am trying to avoid being seen, avoid being known, avoid being recognised too.

I remember I used to have this conversation with a friend whom think, it's a privilege to be me... but, not to my opinion... as I really don't think it's a privilege, but it's a pressures. Hmm... if you don't believe me, try ask around if you know who I am... if you don't, mention my dad's name or my brother's name, or my grandparents' name... you will get the 'connection'. hahahaha...

Someone in church tried to be nice this morning to introduce me to a mother and son, and forgetting that, we came from the same town and hehe... yes, we do know each other. I guess... that can't be avoided... huh? Well, many wants to be known ... but for me, I want to be avoided to be known. My rector knows me well... and hence, he never mention my 'connection' with anyone and hence, I love being in this church... but of course, that's something I don't like also... especially I started to be bullied. Hmm... of course, I don't mind them bullying me... but... please do not treat me 'better' after you know who am I really....

Who am I? ... well, I seriously can't run away from being my father's daughter, my brother's sister, my grandparents' granddaughter, my uncles and aunties' niece, can I?

- Who am I? -

Finally...

Finally.... today, the court gave a rulling on one of the trial I had in July. It's the contested divorce case and it's truly a relief for me and my client as we have been discussing and stressing over this matter for the past year. Yes, it's exactly a year now... and finally, the court gave us what we asked/expected of.

No. Don't get me wrong. I don't like divorce cases and one of this is enough to stressed me out. Well, at least, 2 trials' decisions were rulled and ... hmmm... I have learned quite a bit it seems...

There's two more on the way, one which to be fixed on 29th this month and wow... I will be having 3 to 4 trials next year it seems. Hmm...

- Finally... -

Penangah Medical Camp!

"I was driving just behind the car that was lost controlled!" More photos on http://picasaweb.google.com/peisanlin/PenangahMedicalCamp?feat=directlink

It's a medical camp and never in my life that I can imagine that I have that opportunity to be in one of them and this was the 3rd one I joined. All 3 located at different places and I seriously enjoy them so much. This year, I was given a 4WD and I was given a task, to drive 3 pharmacist and 1 volunteer all the way to Telupid on Friday night and to Penangah the next day morning. Driving at night is not a problem but driving to Penangah... I heard so many people telling me the road is a bit tough to drives and it scares me...

Hence, lots of prayer prayed the night before, espcially when the heavy rain poured down non-stop, with thunders and lightenings ... I can tell you, I was trying to make sure I go to bed instead of worrying. Well, the next day starts... I was trying to look around to see if I can find another man to drive the vehicles, but obviously, NO. Hence, I drives the car to Penangah, as early at 6am. I remember teling my passengers that I was seriously a bit worry and scare. They however, have been the most wonderful passengers... as non of them has shown me a bit of fear in them. I guess, they trusted the Lord, not me though. hahahahahaha...

So, yes, we reached there despites the hardship ... and we were almost the last car to leave that place (6pm). By the time we reached Telupid, the Valley of Blessing, I was so exhausted and I went to bed right after shower.

It's a meaningful trip as I believe, if love, joy and peace are the 3 that God is showing to us, we did manage to share a bit with the interior people at Penangah.

- Penangah Medical Camp! -

Changed

People was shock lately to find me no longer react on people who did wrongly with my usual angry mood. I realize it too. Blessed are those who knows me these 5 years. Those who know me for years, you know what I mean. Old friends reaction the same way when they realised I reacted so 'calmly' and 'softly' towards things now a day. All asked the similar qustions, i.e. wow... Who dare to say that to you? Who dare to bully you? who dare to do that to you?

Well, due to my recent 'softness', I think I suffer more accusation, blame and bully then before. Well, as being accuse, blame and bully are the issues I hated most, I think that's why I am facing truly a lot lately. Hmm... Until I can master the best way I think. Well, I don't lose anything by being accused, blame and bullied. But I certainly think the one who do those is losing something in heaven.

Life is short. Let me remind you not to make anymore mistakes in life.

By the way, shall I start 'react' towards them?

Done it and I am alive!

Yes... I did it. I went into the office, confessed 3 times and I didn't get any scolding at all. Instead, I am given to understand that, my client have had consider of letting the case go in any stage now. Well, ... at least this matter is now done and I am to do it again in November to the judge. Hmm...

Well, speaking of court, I called the High Court Tawau this morning, was told by a lady, "M" that there won't be a judge available on next Monday. Hence, my trial will not go on. I have of course not told my client nor any witnesses of mine yet simply because the court has not send me any notice of hearing yet and except knowing that the court won't go on, I know nothing about it yet. I am seriously not happy about it because I think M should tell me earlier and not only inform me when I called her. By flipping the file, M should came to know that I have many witnesses from Kuala Lumpur and I need to book air tickets, hotels and so on. And since M knows it is not going to go on, I think she has the duty to let me know earlier. In additional to that, I am considered as an outstation firm. I will call her again tomorrow morning and make sure she do it tomorrow...

- Done it and I am alive! -

Confess and ask for forgiveness...

I must confess that I am just a human being and therefore, ... I made mistake.... ! Sometimes, the mistake is big and sometimes, it is rather small. What do I mean by big mistake and smal mistake? Hmm... big one take longer time, more efforts and more pain to settle and the small one, it takes only few minutes to few hours, little efforts and less pain to settle. Well, since young, I made mistake, some intentionally and some unintentionally. Some intentional mistake in life would be done something which I know I shouldn't have done it. Unintentional one, of course, more on careless mistakes.

I remember my mother, who was a teacher always told me, I am a very careless person and I MUST re-check my answers everytime I finish answering them. I somehow, always lazy to check and I got careless mistakes made on my examination papers. Well, everyone who taught me in school said the same thing, I am smart, but I am always careless. Hmm...

I guess that character of mine will never goes. Again, I have made a mistake last month and until now, I need to face it. This time, it's a big mistake. I have tried, very hard not to be influence by it until I cannot focus and concentrate on other cases of mine. I did, however, sigh... each time I saw the file on my table. I have been asking my partner whether client has called, etc.

While I was picking up my cousin, her husband and 2 of her friends from airport today, I received a sms from my partner telling me that client has asked me to go and collect the payment we asked for since June 2009. For a few hours, I am bothered... but yet, I wanted to do it... I wanted so much to just go my clients and confess to them and ask them for forgiveness.

I am meeting one of them tomorrow and I really pray now that, he will be able to understand and even though he is angry, I hope he will still ok with my honestly. I don't know whether it's wise to do what I am doing, but I would rather not to lie to them or hide the truth from them, but to tell them the truth. It's not, obviously an easy situation to deal with. I am seriously don't know what will happen... haiz....

Something I must do... anyway... better get it done and dealth with soonest possible.

- cofess and ask for forgiveness -

This is the day!

I remember crying out to God 2 weeks ago, asking Him why is He putting me in this situation. Well, a friend however think I should deal with it... I was of course not very happy about 'dealing' it there and then because I have promised my dear brother that I will NOT deal with things when I am too emotional. Hence, I didn't. Well, I have somehow, managed to cool myself down since then and so, when I am trying to get over with things happen, trying to 'stand up' from the matters I am facing, ... and so, I have managed to deal with certain things.

Today, the day started with smiles and joy... even thought I think the weather outsides doesn't agree with me. hahaha.. well, ... I managed to went out for breakfast, came back, get things done, rest, ... one by one... and now, I am home, preparing myself to visit the Youth Alpha tonight...

I always think the kids and the young people will be able to bring me MORE joy. Hence, I am going to 'use' them tonight... as I am bringing my camera with me to the meeting either... hehe... let's see who will be the star tonight...

It's indeed a joyful day today, simply... because... this is the day that the Lord has made!

- This is the day! -

The Blog

I started to write this blog since the day I was back to Tawau from KL ... 2005. Wow... this blog is in it's 4th year.... amazing... well, it all started as an updates to all my friends in KL... that's how it lasted too. I have read through a few previous years' blog and realise, ... I used to write happy things... but not recently, especially in the year 2009. I wonder what, who and when things like these happen... hmm... could be me... but it could be situation that I am facing too... I started to write about other things then LAW ... and I have started to write about frustration than happiness... why?

- the Blog -

Preparation...!

A topic on giving tithes was discussed earlier on during of my lunch and it kept me thinking... and wondering... of why people has difficulties in giving tithes (10% of what they received) if they have 'extra' money. Well... I am of course thinking on the 'monetary' part. I used to just received a sum of money which is not even cover my monthly expenses and if I still wanna pay my tithes, that's mean, there will be some expenses which will not be cover at all. Those days, not only happen once or twice in my life, but for years... even until today. However, I always pay my tithes without going through the 'calcuation' part first as my parents always remind me to seek ye first the kingdom of God.

People who love investment know this, that even if they do not have a lot each month, when they come into investment, they will pay for it first. I have friends who consider that as 'wise' move. Well, if I put it to tithes, I guess a lots of people will choose to do their investment in shares, in bonds, in properties, insurance and all then tithes. Simply because of the concept of money making money. Giving tithes... the profit will NEVER come.. that's what most of the people think. Instead, investing in other forms of investments, one will get their return and profits double or triple folded in just a few months time.

Hence, our focus never... put on tithes. If the church is asking for tithes, people will said, the church is asking for money.. or charity. But if the insurance company is asking for a premium to be paid, even more than 10% of what we received, we never ask 'why' and being hesitate on it. We just give. For those who are more weathy... I just do not understand why is that so difficult to pay the tithes. Well, may be I never was in a stage where I am weathy enough to understand... but, if I can pay my tithes even if I do not have enough to eat... what's the problem with those who have extra?

I do not come from a weathy family. Most of our saving came from the hard work of my mother, who planted all the vegetables and cook cakes and food at home. Except Sunday, after church, we never eat our meals outside the house. From sugar with rice to nice roast pork and chicken, we usually have it at home. Well... with low education qualification at my parent's generation, we somehow survives... WELL. When I first started to work, I remember what my mother told me, that even though we struggle of what to eat sometimes, but she never needs to even allocate tithes out from her pocket because she always give more than 10%. So she said, God is faithful and He will bless. Well... and she continue saying, not only He bless us now in this fallen world, but we have invested in His kingdom too, a place where we know, is permanent.

Well, ... so, can someone tell me, if we can survive all these while, why can't you if you have the extra income in your pocket? Why is that so difficult to give? Are we not suppose to prepare ourselves for the FUTURE? Or have you not know what's your future?

- Preparation ... ! -