End of 2014

Somehow, when my mind reach the entering of 2015, my heart and body shakes...  it must be the uncertainty due to GST, due to bad economic, etc.  Nothing seems promising.  Everyone talks about their fear and except those who are working for others, the rest of us have not been having good sleeps ever since the announcement of implementing the GST.

To come to think of it, nothing seems to be promising and all all these while to be serious... and so, I asked God once again.... am I not putting my life in your hand and that I let you lead me through? Have I ever once in the past few years, had suffered financial constrains and yet cannot cope with it? Financial difficulties has never left me. It is still and it might be still in the future.  So, what am I afraid of if i have God to be with me?

This morning, a long waited result from the Land office finally arrived after 3 months of waiting.  It's in my favour.  Again, I have not lose a case this year, still. No record has been break until this 2nd last week of 2014.

I am not sure if this will be better or worse, but I do know, I am contented.  I have not lack of anything so far.  In 2014, I have had the chance to go back to England again.  Going 'home' always warmed my heart and pushed me to walk further.  It's a motivation.  With so many disasters for Malaysia in 2014, it finally will end soon.  I hope next year, life will be better for everyone.

- End of 2014 -

Needs? Desire?

I am taking a scale on my hand, putting some 'values' on the left and to the right..... and I am considering to withdraw from my LLM programme which I have put so much efforts on for the past one year.  Simply because due to some misunderstanding, the actual fees invoiced is not as what I was told and/or expected and/or budgeted.  So, either, I stop it, or I continue.
I have been asking the same question again and again as to whether I need to study this course.  It would definitely something 'earned' if I do want to continue.  But at the same time, I am not rich.  I do not have 'extra' cash to study.  It will add on to the financial burden I have been carrying on.  Life might not be as 'luxury' and comfortable if I wish to continue.
I was thinking to withdraw the course yesterday.  Today, I just wanted to continue for another semester if that's allowed (at the time of writing, I am still waiting for email from my personal tutor).

Do i need the course? Well, seriously.... I don't know.  To use it for my professional career, may be not.  To embark into teaching career, may be yes.  To give me something to look forward to and to motivate me and to keep me sane, definitely yes.  I seriously do not have much things to look forward to in life.  I do not have a child that's growing up and expecting my child to reach different level of age and life, etc.  No.  I do not have much to 'expect'.  If I am losing this, I guess, all i have is at work.  I have lost my 'services' in the church for years now. Now with this.... all i am worry is, whether i will go depress again.

So, besides work, it will be home to watch TV and that's all?

I don't know seriously.....

- Needs? Desire? -

Different feeling....

While others are preparing for the arrival of Christmas, I have the task to finish off 2 assignments which due on the 5th January 2015.  I am half way through one of them, which I hope I can finish it by Monday and to start another one on Tuesday onwards.  Well, I am hoping that I can finish everything before I go back for Christmas on the 21st day of December 2014.  

FB has been showing a lot of pictures and events going on during this Christmas season.  That reminds me, usually during this week of every year, I will be very busy writing christmas card to be send out before the 5th so that it will reach before Christmas.  Besides that, I usually gets very busy with carolling, with church events, with practices, etc. etc.  I was trying to remember when was the last time I had that.  I guess it's 2010. I didn't manage to go to church in 2011 Christmas due to my sickness. I flew off to HK on the 27th and I was there until 2nd Jan 2012 before I flew back to KL and then to Tawau straight.  I love that few weeks of freedom and holiday, away from work completely and just relax and sleep and chill. Being alone in HK is seriously cool.  No one seems to bothered by me being alone.  They still celebrated Christmas and new year with me, making sure, I get the fun too.  That's what non discrimination means to me. 

Well, I didn't get to attached with a church that needs my service ever since.  And since then, Christmas has been 'peace and quiet' to me.  Spent the last 3 years Christmas with my parents.  Baked some cakes and biscuits, cooked some meals and decorated my balcony at KK condo.  Relaxing... seriously...... and I forgot what sort of fun I have on Christmas.  Seriously, I do miss being part of the 'celebration' but may be it is an age thing.... I feel I do need some peace and quiet.  Seeing some photos friends posted from US and UK, ... that makes me wonder if I can spend one of the Christmas in England again, probably 2016.  Well, let's hope I can finish this course and graduated smoothly by 2016 May and I can choose to have my graduation in November.  Then... I will probably go away for a month or two.  That's the best thing about having join 2 other senior lawyers as partners. 

I guess, I have never get myself adopted in Malaysia after all.  Was the conviction i had was manifested in the wrong way? Did He not sent me back here to serve Him? What have I done for the past 14 years doesn't seems to have make any sense to this calling at all.  Worse still, I got defeated because I stand up for Him.  I am still catching my breath... but at the same time, inside me, I am crying out to God, to send me back.  "I want to go home".  That's what I am shouting every single minute of life.  Lord... please...!!!

I won't be able to know what will happen to be these few months if not because of my studies.  Life become so meaningless... 

This Christmas?  I guess it is another year I am calling out to God to let me have a good sleep and rest before I return to work.  I have completely lack of passion and expectation towards Christmas. Be it, the real meaning or any other meaning... 

- Different feeling ... - 

Wishes

Everyone has wishes...... something they want to do, something they always wanted.  Most people want to have a husband or a wife and to build their family and some just want to be millionaire.  Some just want to be an accountant, a lawyer, the famous interior designer, and the list go on.  I became a lawyer not because I wanted to.  It's something my mother wanted me to be.  Having said that, now I think she changed her mind and she rather I got married to a man instead.  Too bad, I went with the idea of becoming a lawyer (putting all my bloody efforts on it) because I don't mind being a lawyer.  But I do mind marrying someone and be slaves to that man and to the children for the rest of my life.  Hence, No.  Don't even raise the issue of why am I not marrying, to me.  You will only gets the answer, 'because I don't want to'.
Some people of course think I am unusual, or may be I am a lesbian or may be I have some mental problem that's why I let go for the 'goodness' of becoming a mother, or a wife and in their understanding and principle of life, I have go against God's general command.  Well, go ahead, have your mind ponder over that issue.  All I can say is, I just don't enjoy doing what I don't feel like doing.
So, be it you angry because I am not 'complying' the 'general rules' of this world or the 'wishes' of the majority of people on earth, I will still remain of who I am and be who I want to be.  Be it you don't like the way I dress, the way I look, the way I handle my own things, then just go ahead, sort yourself out and get out of my life.  I don't need your presence to lives my life in a comfortable manner.  My existence does not determine by your approval.
Just because I answers all your request mostly by the word "YES!", it doesn't really means i answer it because of you and/or your request.  Instead, I answer YES simply because of myself. If your request is not too difficult and I feel comfortable with it, I am OK with it.  But if I cannot accept your request or your request doesn't make me feel comfortable, I am sorry..... I will just walk away.
Yes.  May be that's what 'stubborn' is defined.  But that's also what perseverance and determining mean.  I won't give up my 'principle' just because I need to comply with your request and/or the 'general rule'.
I won't want to hurt my ankle again and suffer again for a more severe injuries just because everyone think I should dress up and wear high heels.  The thing is, I don't like to make accountable to others of what I am doing and what I want to do.
Many is asking why is there a need for me to do a Master course.  Put it this way, I didn't do well in my degree and by rights, I am not qualify to even enrol for Master course.  I tried and I got an offer and I do not want to give up on it.  No.  I don't think I can finish the course, but I do enjoy reading and doing home works more than going out for a drink, ironing my husband and children' clothes or cooking for them and all.  I gained a lots of update on the recent law and knowledges just this one year. I don't see why it is bad to do my Master course.
I understand that not many will understand what I am feeling.  But to ask me to get married, it's more like asking me to give up my freedom.  I can't even cope with taking care of my parents.  I cannot imagine how is it like to be taking care of my husband children.  Like those who knows me well said, I probably have hanged myself long ago.
I understand the 'general rule' that God has set.  But you must understand there's always a reason why God never let me get married.  If you cannot find the answer, then stop commenting like you know God better.
I love my friends, those who truly understand me and who never ask me why i do this, why don't i do that, etc.  They just accept me as who I am and never complain.  There aren't a lot of them.  But I appreciate their acceptance and love.  For those who cannot, I guess live is better without you anyway... So, thanks for 'stopping by'.
My wishes? I wish I have million and billions of dollars that I can just go mission without needs to have to think about finances.
- Wishes -

2014 achievement indeed!

Just as expected and it's just as what I told clients earlier on that's what the most I can do, that's to get them win the case, and lose the claim against the lawyer he wanted to goes after.  Indeed, we did it.  It's such a achievement when i manage to win over my master, someone who always think I am not as good and I am not as well trained lawyer.  I remain as who I am.  Be it how many people look after me, or they cannot agree that I am even though do not have the look and pose, but have the brain to win over battles in the court room.  Yes.  Be it I am not as good, as well trained (well, I cannot recall I fall in the hand of an expert and/or any master and/or senior who has really trained me before I go to trial for the first time), I guess they forgot, I am learning from them who are 'practising' in court.  I am basically trained in the battlefield and not in the training field.  That's me.  

So, yes, I do agree that I am not as 'qualify' as many who has the chance to be graduated as Barrister in one of the Inn in England or having a very well senior or master.  My first master, Mr Wong is a corporate expert, not litigation.  My second master in Sabah has never thought me a single thing in court.  So, I agree.  I am not well trained.  I climbed the stairs bit by bit. I have had a lot and a lot of mistakes made and cases lost in the past.  But I have worked very hard each time to learn a bit more.  I am glad enough to have people who is willing to help and to guide me through.  I am thankful enough for wonderful friend and colleagues. 

This case is nothing 'big'.  I won't regard my winning as one of the great achievement.  I certainly never thought that other lawyers would come to me and greeted me for winning the case and to save up the rest of the other similar matters in court.  I am still learning and trying to find out what I can do better in this matter.  But to be able to win over my master who always think I cannot do my job well, it proves that, it probably not just an issue with me.  

I wish I can do better in my career and so, enrolling myself for a master course so I can be updated on the recent development of law to me, is important.  At least, my knowledge and experiences should be better than those who are more senior than me and/or those who has stop going further.  May be not many understand why do I need to get my Master Degree.  It's seriously, not about the title and/or the Master Degree, it is more to the knowledge expansion that I need.  

My mom is the person whom think I shouldn't have take this course at all.  I don't blame her for not being able to understand.  Until today, none of my family member will understand what my job is all about.  I always wanted to blame the HK series who gives wrong impression on people.  Well, reading and reading, research and research ... is what we all do every single day.  Because every facts of each case comes to me, is different in nature and I need to tackle the issues and to find the way to win a case for my clients, whose rights has been jeopardised. It's very discouraging whenever my mom mentioned that I shouldn't take my master course and instead, I should spend more time on other things.  I guess she didn't realised, the only 'wasting time' kind of works i have been doing is on the plane and spending weekend in Tawau.  

If not because of my parents, I think I wouldn't have been 'stagnant' here for so many years, or I don't even have come back to Malaysia in the first place.  Having such a brother made it worse.  Why are they not thinking that, it's them who make me who I am today? I would have had so many social time, or probably have gotten married if not because of being FORCED to take care of my parents.  Studying Master is probably the ONLY thing i enjoy most during this 'suffering period'.  I wonder, if they will ever realised this.  Anyway, I am glad...  I have done 3/6 subjects by end of this month. YES!  I am half way through!!!!

I see 2014 is an achievement because I finally, manage to do something I wanted to for a long time, for myself.  Be it I have to sacrifices my monies, my freedom and time, I still think, it's worth it and I love doing it.  At least, much better than being a 'slave' for a man or a few children.  

Well, I am not asking a lot.  I am just asking, if they can just encourage and support me to go through this 'happiness' with me.  It seems like, they are not.  

Well, 2014 is ending.  Kenneth Thien & Associates is also coming to an end.  I am joining another firm call MP Pang & Co. and operate a branch in KK.  Wishing to have more conveyancing matters coming up soon.  Let's hope by this step of faith, thing will goes further and better soon. 

In terms of finances for this year, amazingly, we survived without having a month we have touched the overdraft facilities YET. God is good all the time indeed!

- 2014 achievement indeed! -