Feeling good

To be able to feel good could be one of the reasons why we are doing what we are doing.  No one does things or decide to do things that will make themselves feeling upset or not happy about. Everyone makes a decision to do something based on whether what they do will bring them happiness.  

We often hear one asking another when both or more of them sit together to decide on things, by asking, "do you feel good about this?"  A mutual decision has to be making both parties happy about it.  Even having sex, you need to make sure that the other party is to say yes to proceed to make it not amounting to rape. You need to make sure parties are agreeable to things in order for an arrangement to succeed, even for divorce, if not marriage. That's what the basis is, we want to make sure we are happy about things we do, things we decide to do, or things that we do not want to proceed.  

Taking into other's feeling into consideration is what we were taught to do since young.  Respect each other's feeling and wishes.  That's what I grow up with.  Even things that I deemed as important, it might not be as important for others.  Even if things that you think is nice, it might not be nice for me. Even if you think pre-marital sex is alright, it might not be alright to me.  That's the freedom that we talk about when we talk about human rights freedom.  We all have the rights to voice our opinions, be it you agree or disagree with it. 

Over the past years, I realised... this has become an excuse for people to use in their 'defences' in escaping from their own faults and criminal acts.  In the name of freedom of speech, they have violated laws and regulations, trying to escape from their criminal acts and fault.  Let's not talk about political views.  Let's talk about the things we do every day.  These days, we have people who committed to a marriage, because they FEEL GOOD to do so.  We have people to have children because they FEEL GOOD about it. They feel it is a success in life, they feel that it is good to have children because people are proud of them and their achievement.  They bought a nice car because they FEEL GOOD about having a nice posh car so everyone thinks they are a success.  How people look at them make them FEEL GOOD.  They posted their 'success' on social media so people will praise them and give them 'liked' and by doing so, they FEEL GOOD about it.  People wanted to buy big houses and nice cars even though they do not have the money to because by doing that, the FEEL GOOD.  Some people who ended up in debts and facing bankruptcy today because they FEEL GOOD to have their children study oversea even though they know they cannot afford.  Some changed their mind about the wife or husband they married because they don't FEEL GOOD about them anymore and someone else is making them FEEL GOOD.  Some of them FEEL GOOD about getting a divorce regardless of what God says about not to divorce.  Some of them even kill people because they FEEL GOOD to rant their anger out.  Still some, they take drugs because nothing in life makes them FEEL GOOD except drugs.  

These days, I heard many ridiculous 'theological' opinion when it comes to the prosperity gospel.  Anything that does not make you feel good is not from God.  Wow.  Really?  I realised that people are overemphasising on FEELING GOOD.  Seriously, without bad, how would you know what is good? Are we to lives by our impulsive feeling alone? So, can I end my life because I feel good about doing it? Is it really about us feeling good that makes everything about our lives? or we are supposed to ask the question, "Is this pleasing God?".  

Is pleasing ourselves more important than pleasing God? If anything that's not well, good or happy happening in you, is that not from God? Really? The last time I checked, the book of Job, the book of Ezra, the book of Lamentations, and the books talking about the imprisonment of Paul are still parts of the books in the Bible.  Are we having a different bible? 

Is what we are doing each day is for our own good or is it for His purpose and Will? If it is for our own pleasure and happiness, is that mean Jesus can just say, "sorry God, I changed my mind.  You love me right? come on.... use Peter instead maybe?" 

Well, I am not a theologian.  I am just merely saying, I think people are just overemphasised on their own feeling too much.  They have forgotten about taking other's feeling into consideration and more so, we certainly have not taken God's feeling into consideration.  Divorce? SERIOUSLY?  Murder? Taking drugs? Selling drugs? earning millions? corruption? for the sake of FEELING GOOD about it? 

Fighting your rights, voicing your opinion and what you want is permissible, but when you try to override all other laws by your own ONE opinion, I think you are really seeing your own rights and opinion too highly.  

I always respect people with their own opinions.  I do.  But my respect to them ends the moment they violated other laws and respect for others.  

If I am doing everything based on what I feel good alone, I wouldn't be doing what I am doing today or I definitely won't represent some idiots in their stupid court cases.  

- Feeling good -

Respect II

It was a very hot summer day.  I was sitting at the living room, waiting for the worker from the logistic company to come and to arrange 2 of the boxes to be shipped back to Malaysia sometime in July 2000. While the worker came, I noticed he’s sweating excessively and he immediately asked for a drink. 

Being a typical Chinese Malaysian who was taught to be polite, hospitable and with manner, I went into the kitchen, looked for the best drink I could offer and it did not come to my mind that tap water should be an option. I opened the fridge and I saw this precious packet drink that I treasured so much (It was difficult to get some of those during my stay in the UK then) and even if it was available, I will have to take at least 2 hours journey to the city to get it) – Chrysanthemum Tea.  Yes!  I must share with him this great drink and I am sure he will appreciate it.  I quickly took one packet without much thought and handed him.  He had a look at it, took a sip or two and he threw the whole packet on the floor and uttered, “Gracious God, what sort of drink is this? Such a disguising taste.”. He got so angry, moved my Two boxes to the car, signed a few papers and left.

Oh well, a different perspective isn’t it?  Something an Asian would think is the best and precious, not necessary what a Westerner would love.  Something an Asian dislike doesn’t mean they are being low class or wrong.  It is just a personal preference.  I still prefer a Chinese tea better than an English tea sometimes and the Malaysia KFC is definitely more delicious than those in the UK.  A NIVUK version of Bible compare to NKJV version, or even a Chinese bible is better than English?

By forcing that guy to drink what I think was the best drink I can then offered, was a mistake.  I should have asked him if he prefers to have the packet drink or tap water, shouldn’t I?  What I perceived as the best, does not necessary is what you want or need. 

Well, I was heartbroken that day after the incident, not about hurting the guy’s feeling though. For losing one Chrysanthemum Tea. 🤣

Respect the differences

On one winter day, a group of 15 people from different countries and cultures walked from point A to B, where the sun decided to show up halfway through the journey. A Malaysian quickly reacted by taking out her umbrella, while some in the group got shocked and wonder what happened. Most of them looked up the sky and one or two asked if it is raining. I saw the whole incident and I couldn’t hold my laughter and laugh so badly that everyone looked at me. The Malaysian did not know why people had such reaction and did not understand why umbrella is needed when it is not raining and some think using the umbrella to avoid the sun is funny and ridiculous and some think that if it is not an umbrella, how are we going to avoid the UV.

Everyone has a different point of view about the sun, the usage of the umbrella and what is good or bad for their skin. We all have a different point of view. The Malaysian might not be able to understand in their lifetime why some people love the sun so much. The westerners might not understand why the Malaysian need to avoid the sun. I do not think it is an issue of right or wrong or who's ideas and reasons are more supreme than the others. It is just personal preferences, cultures and customs.

You don’t need to accept other’s preferences, cultures and customs or make others accept yours. Respect each other’s preferences, cultures and customs, even though if the other Malaysian decided to use a transparent umbrella.

We might not be able to understand why one decided to react the way they do, but we can only respect that, it is for their own good.  Yes.  It might sound selfish, but we are an individual self, which we decide to do certain things for our own best.  For whatever culture and customer believe, for whatever situation it is.  Stop judging.  Respect others. 

-Respect the differences - 

The Godly Lawyer

When I first using the name, "the Godly lawyer", I received many comments about the name.  Many are of the opinions that it is impossible that lawyer to be Godly.  That saying was in my mind for the past 15 years at least.  During this period of time, often I find myself pondering over what Godly lawyer means.  Is that about the character of the lawyer, the ability of the lawyer or how prestigious the lawyer is?  To be honest, there's no absolute answer to that definition of 'godly'.  Why am I using that name, "the Godly lawyer"?

First, it is a challenge to myself that, I need to be reminded that, I am a lawyer today because of God.  There's no way that I become a lawyer because of my own ability.  For those who know me for years, you know that it is a miracle that I am a lawyer today and no one, including my mother in her wildest imagination, will believe that I am a lawyer today.  

Secondly, as a lawyer, I know it will always be challenged to be more like Him whenever I am in this profession.  People can never associate lawyer with the servant of God.  People think to uphold justice has great chances that we are of the 'black' side, trying to help criminals, trying to lie and make sure justice is not done. This understanding consists of general or the majority of people in the world.  The lawyers always standing in oppose to police and prosecution.  The lawyers always stand as the one who challenges the police and the prosecution.  That's what people understand the work of lawyers.  It is impossible to be like Jesus when you are a lawyer.  That's what people think. I do not blame the world or how people perceive lawyers. We, the lawyers are only an advocate.  Just like Jesus, who submit our prayers to the Most High.  As lawyers, we only submit our client's petitions and prayers to the Judge and I want to be reminded that, when I submit the petition and prayers to the Judge, I should do it like how Jesus is doing, that is without fabrication or tempering of evidence, speak the truth, submit the truth, get the judgment the truth.  Therefore, I advise my clients accordingly, with truth and love, that if they have done wrong, I make sure they are warned of their possible judgment and consequences.  Making sure that they are ready for their punishment.  If it is for them to get their justice, I will make sure that the Judge hears and understand my client's cries and make the fair and just decision. This is my calling and how a Godly lawyer should be.  

Thirdly, the world perceives lawyers as rich and famous.  They are of different level of reputation in society.  They are accessible only by a certain group of people, who usually also rich and famous.  Many say that lawsuits or litigation matters are rich man games.  I have to agree because in my practices, I met a few rich people who 'invested' in lawyers, high-class lawyers, trying to win the lawsuits, not because of compensation, not because of damages and losses, but for their face.  They are alright to spend millions and billions just so that they WIN the suitcase, for winning sake and not for any relief.    Lawyer to them is just a tool. For me, I do not want to be a lawyer who is just a tool for rich people.  I want to be a lawyer for those who are oppressed and for those who need help, even though they are unable to pay as much as those rich people.  I can be respected and known by many in the 'rich people world' and submitting their prayers a petition for them.  But it would be more meaningful for me in my practice when I am able to submit the petition and prayers of those who are poor to the Judge so their voice is heard too.  Everyone deserves to be heard and it shouldn't be only available for those who can pay or who is rich.  Like Jesus who is the son of God.  He rather being born in a manger, grew up as a carpenter and he is now seated in the right hand of the Father, be our advocate, regardless of whether we are rich or poor, as long as you want Him to be your advocate, He is there advocating for us.  That's my calling, the calling of the Godly lawyer.  

Because of my calling and focus to be a Godly Lawyer, I have met tremendous challenges which not many can understand.  First, I will not get paid for the job most of the time.  Secondly, I have been doing things the way which not everyone understands why I am doing it because to many people, things can be less challenging and I can guarantee to have a better lifestyle and wealth if I am doing what the rest of the lawyers are doing.   Thirdly, for how and what I need to do, I will have to do it alone because being a Godly Lawyer, I do not have the luxury, the reputation, the wealth and the respect that every other lawyer are getting.  Many who joint my firm, left because they realised that, I am not running a business.  Stick around with me will means, being a poor lawyer (both in wealth and in reputation).  

It explained why my office is operating in a very run-down house in a residential area.  My service is available to everyone, regardless of your backgrounds, your age, your race.  Just let me know, "How can I help"?

Is that easy to be Godly lawyer? No.  It's not.  Never is.  Most of the time,  I get mocking and complains and gossips, and discouragement instead of praise and a pat on the shoulder.  I understand that not everyone can understand what I am doing.  Most of the people measures me by the worldly ruler. I am judged.  I am criticized.  I am not being appreciated.  But, for whatever that is worth, I will still be a Godly Lawyer and hold on to what my calling is, be it the world look at me and laughed at my stupidity and irrationalism.  

Lord, this calling is too challenging, but not impossible to accomplished by Your help.  Help me to continue to be the Godly Lawyer and may all the glory be to you and you alone.  

So, is it possible to be Godly lawyer? Well, it's all about whether you are able to focus on God while you are being a lawyer or you wish to focus on yourself and how much you and enjoy in life. 

- the Godly Lawyer - 

#IcanonlyaccomplishthecallingofGodifHeiswithme 

#Ihavebeenblessed

#Iamthechosenlawyer

#godlylawyer

#theGodlyLawyer

Our desire v God’s Will

“Conflict comes because our own selfish desires are not being met. James uses strong language; we might think he is being over the top—after all, we don’t literally kill one another. But as James’ older brother (Jesus) once pointed out (Matthew 5:21-22), we do not need to kill in order to commit a form of murder.”  “ Christians allowing these desires to erupt into conflict are forgetting God’s grace: “You do not have because you do not ask God” (James 4:2b). Prayerlessness is a sign that someone is trying to run things in their own strength, for their own sake, and under their own authority. Prayerlessness arises from a sense of independence from God—so that instead of praying about our desires, we indulge them. Rather than trusting in the Father, who delights in giving good gifts to his children (Matthew 7:11), we ourselves decide what is good and seek to gain it through our own efforts. As well as forgetting the grace of God, James’ readers also forget the goodness of God: “When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures” (James 4:3).” [Sam Allberry - James for you].  

I was to continue my reading on other books in the Bible after I finished Colossians, but I was drawn to read James instead.  There’s no accident that I study James these few days because apart from being reminded about how much we can be manipulated by the evil spirit to think that our own desire is what God is to fulfilled for us when we asked prayerfully, I am also being reminded that, at the end of the day, we should focus on whether it is His Will that our desire is to be fulfilled and whether our desire is part of His Will that He has planned and predestined for us.  

James also reminded me about not being a double-minded and when I read Chapter 4 about being adulterous, i thought, that’s irrelevant to me.  But that’s exactly who I am.  On one hand, i said I love God, but at the other hand, I love the world, i desire for the world things and having the lack of it, I actually blamed God for not loving me.  It sounds ridiculous, but in fact, it is just how all adulterous is.  I have came across many couples who went into divorce in my work.  Most of them who were being said to have committed adulterous will turned around and blame the other party for not being good enough, not being able to fulfilled their selfish desire and wishes instead, as if because of that, they have all the rights to commit adultery.  Just like us, when we are facing God and being caught of committed ‘adultery’ towards God.  We blamed Him for not fulfilling the desires of our hearts and that’s the reason why we left Him and we try to seek our own desires by our own efforts.  Just like Abraham and Sarai who think that they need to take that human sensible part to ‘help’ God in fulfilling His promise.  

Over the past one month, I have been in deep thoughts over this issue with a friend, who desire so much to be in relationship and/or marriage.  Her situation is understandable and there’s so much grounds and basis that we can think of to justify that needs and desires and yet, the question we stopped at was whether that’s what God want or just what we want.  My doubt came clear when I started with James Chapter 4 and being said I am an adulterous.  Well, of course to my friend, she said she’s not clear as to whether she is taking things to her own hand because God works in mysterious ways and He might just send a man into her life through all sorts of ways. Well, I agreed, but so as the evil spirit.  To me, seek His kingdom first will probably a good start. 

The desire of the world.  That covered a huge areas of issues in our life.  Chapter 4 in James also talked about whether it is our own desires (including your freedom of speech, freedom of religion, human rights, democracy) that make us started our quarrel with each other? When Jesus says, “Love your neighbour as yourself”, is neighbour consist of people in China or US , the black, the whites, those who hurts you and those who blesses you? Those whom you dislike and hates? Those who are not christians?  Or because of our desires for freedom, we can disowned His command and starting to kill others? Yes, Kill, as what James said when he referred to when he talked about being angry with your brothers and sisters.  

The world is in chaos.  Everyone is attacking everyone, all put their own desires as priority and grounds to vent their angers toward others.  Is that mean, we disobey His command? and if so, can we still call ourselves Christian or God’s children? 

I leave it to you to answer the above.  For now, i see the sin I committed, I grieve, mourn and wail over it.  Lord, have mercy and grace upon me. I hoping that He will forgive me for looking at my own desire greater than anyone’s else, especially His. Lord, thanks for the reminders.  

- Our desire v God’s Will - 

Lawsuits among believers

One of the causes of my depression some years ago was because of the hypocrisy of church leaders.  Yes.  You got me right.  It’s not just believers, but those who are supposed to be leaders, who are the shepherd who is guiding and tending us, the believers who got me in a depressive state and left me alone to ‘die’.  That’s my exact feeling and emotions then.  

1 Corinthians 6: 1-11 clearly stated how believers should do when it comes to disputes among believers and whether a lawsuit is an option.  It is clearly stated that, if there are any disputes, one should not look at their own interest and advantages and bring one another to courts. It is a shame. Yes. I feel utterly ashamed of what had happened when those so-called church leaders brought the church disputes to court to sue the Bishop of Sabah or the Archbishop of South East Asia.  I quote verse 7, “The very fact that you have lawsuits among you means you have been completely defeated already.” What I couldn’t brained and accept it was that the two parties involved not only one bishop and some leaders, but a few bishops and mostly senior priest.  I couldn’t take it.  I find it ridiculous.  I gave up, without a fight.  When people started to attack me because I am on one side (current bishop then), everyone attacked me like nobody businesses in the PCC meetings and other church ministries.  I find myself not serving God, but trying to please people coming from every corner.  I felt drained, I felt unable to breathe, I felt I should give up and walked away, which I did.  I do not want to be part of any side.  

Yeah.  Shame on the believers.  Shame on the church leaders and shame on me, because I am too the believer, a trained advocate who is supposed to be able to arbitrate the matter, but Bishop Albert then did not want to burden me.  And me, I just walked away, sank under my sadness and depression. Shame on me, being God’s child but have failed big time to remain faithful to Him, focus on Him and His ministry, but to let the disputes to go the court, not bothering much about the court matters and let it happened and deal with before non-believers, even though that had caused even more depressive episodes to me and that I wanted so much to give up on being a Christian because I feel so ashamed to be part of that community.  Shame on me for running away and trying to gather me.  

I wonder if the party who won the lawsuit is feeling great about winning.  I wonder if things restored now to the ‘unproductive’ administrative of the church news means more people have come to know Christ? I wonder if any of these people who deemed successful, feeling as winners or feeling being defeated.  My heart sank the moment not I was attacked, but when leaders gathered their ‘flocks’ to go against the primate as if they are upholding justice, a justice that they have forgotten that is in God’s hand.  Passing judgment on others is easy.  I might be doing it now too, subconsciously, but I definitely feel like a loser ever since then and not even dare to tell others that I am a Christian, or I am from this church or denomination.  

Lord, I am sorry that I am such a loser in the past.  Help me to focus again on You.  

May our God sanctify and justified us in our daily walk with Him. 

- Lawsuits among believers - 

Favouritism

It’s been more than a month now that the Black Lives Matter movement has happened and people suddenly want to wipe the history out and demanding for their position to be established and recognized.  Everyone wants to be recognized, every race wants to have their stand and position, and everyone thinks they do have the rights for everything they want in the world, which does not just their voice be heard, but also their demand be fulfilled, a failure which, their rights is violated and not respected.  There goes the situation in 2020, which everyone is trying to endanger other’s life just because they think their voice is worth more interest than any other’s life, if not voice.

I was born Chinese race (and that’s what I put in every single form I need to fill in), in Malaysia, a Muslim country.  I am also a Christian (that’s what I put in every single form I fill in).  Malaysia is a democratic country where freedom of speech and freedom of religion is part of the Federal Constitution, which give us the rights to choose our religion and also the freedom to speak whatever you want to, as long as it is not against the governments and Islam and you have the freedom to be in whatever religion, but strictly no sharing of religions issues to Muslims and that’s the law.  I grew up understanding freedom comes with boundaries. I observe them and not only I am still bound under the law, but I also respect the laws, and even though I am fully trained with English laws, I can identify and recognized the differences of the laws between England and Malaysia and respect both them the same.

Racism.  Being Christian Malaysian Chinese, people will only recognize me as “CHINESE”, and not bothering whether I am from Malaysia or from China or even from England. As long as they saw my face, they know, I am a CHINESE.  For a Chinese to walked into a church in England, some people wonder (a) if I am a Christian; (b) whether I am a communist spy from China; (c) whether I have a clue where I am.  When they asked me where I am from and I answered Malaysia and they will give me a look like I am definitely not someone they want to welcome. ... and that’s Church in England that I was talking about.... until of course, they realized that my dad is a priest and thereafter, I got a BETTER treatment.

At work, in England... it was terrible.  People think I am a Chinese and they started to swear and talked bad about China and Chinese, the communist country, the treatment they treated their citizens (to be honest, I don’t think the citizen feels bad about how the government treats them and they are thankful they survived the day if not year) and when they realised I am not from China, they were curious to know how come Chinese are not living in China (Oh yes, they are that stupid) and think that I must be those blessed one, but not knowing how my grandma was sold to Borneo as a slave and all.  Cut the story short, I get bullied badly while working in England, as CHINESE or having a CHINESE face.

In church in Malaysia.  I was taught to wear my Sunday best to church on Sunday and if I am not, I feel awfully guilty about it.  That last till Secondary school time, where I read about what James says about favouritism.  Ever since, I am curious to find out how people sees me if I am not dressing up nicely to church, but just decently.  I dislike being treated ‘special’ and so many times, I rather attend other churches than those where my parents or brother are attending. I find their service or treatment is superficial.  Worse still when I saw them giving special treatments to the Datuk, Datin, the rich people, etc. because all I heard is they need monies for their churches and all.  Honestly, I dislike such acts.

I experienced this a lot in the past 25 years of my life and I seriously wonder if the church ever read and understand James Chapter 2.  Sometimes, I wonder if the churches have counterfeit faith in them too.  When i was in need of some help, all i gets from my pastor was, “this is the burden that you need to overcome it yourself and we are unable to help you to”.  I wonder if I am not a poor, sick soul but a rich sick soul, will things be different? or may be... if my parents are rich one? May be the church or the leaders will say, “we will ask the whole team to help you”.

I hate favouritism but I do know it happens everywhere, even in the church office and the priest’s home. Are we, those who shows favouritism is worthy to be called Christian? or are we those who claimed to have faith but failed to act is to call ourselves Christian?

I dislike favourites but it happens everywhere.  I hope those who claimed themselves a Christian, especially those who are trying to dominate the world, read James 2 thoroughly and apply them in their lives.  Well, I am not pointing that just to them obviously.

- Favouritism -

Pain that I am unable to overcome... yet!

I am not sure if I should add the word ‘yet’ because, I might not be able to overcome this pain and fear in me, which hindrances me from advancing to the next level of ‘trust’ on people, or probably God too. I wonder from time to time if there’s anything I can do to make me feel better or have a different view on this.... but, let’s say, my wisdom and understanding is too limited to comprehend or to interpret from another perspective. What am I talking about exactly? Well, the pain of seeing my loved one suffer and worry about me, which is so great that I rather not have them to love me, if loving me means they need to suffer the pain of seeing me suffer.  

I do realise that some people do enjoy being loved, visited, and cared for when they are in their sick or dead bed. I don’t. This has brought me pain rather than feeling loved because seeing them worry and in pain, it bring no joy to me at all, even though I know I am going to be fine, I am going to die and go to heaven, and that’s mean I am loved and not being rejected (finally), but somehow, I can only take it at the very beginning, but not when it happened again and again. No. It is not a good feeling. 

I remember vividly how I was carried by hand by my dad to clinics, tests center, hospitals, while I can barely walk and needed to be treated immediately. I remember how everyone looks like when they came and saw me. I must have been in bad shape that everyone who walks in, will show me the face of concern and worries. I remember how the expression and reaction from people when they talked about me (which I can hardly hear). I don’t really like seeing people whom I loved to worry about me. I was taught later in my life that I need to make sure I don’t worry my parents and I know it is impossible for them not to at some point. I will have to decide and choose between whether to tell them now or later and weight between which one is a greater worry to them. 

I am not in a tip-top healthy soul since I was born. I have grown up with an untreatable disease that I just took very good care of and that people did not know about it. As I age, things are getting more obvious and frequent and that I find it difficult to cope sometimes, especially if there are people around me that I do not want to share my burden with. I hear you.... you are saying, i should share the burden. I get it. I would love you to share with me if you are in my position too. But history and past experiences had told me that, not everyone can stand and bear that burden with me and I might end up not sharing the burden, but killing your heart and mind too. So, no. Not everyone is given that chance to share. For those who tried and left, I still thank you for being there for me. For those who tried and ‘died’, I am sorry that I did not know you better to say "No" to you when you offered to share the burden with me. For those who are still sharing, you know you are great. I do not have to worry about you because you are mature enough, you know how I feel completely because part of you are facing the same thing and coping things way better than I do. I am grateful that whatever I throw at you, you are able to tackle it and handle it so well that you ended up by helping me to get up on my feet too. Seeing how you handle things, gave me a totally different perspective of things, but at the same time, trying my best to adapt the word ‘yet’ in this writing... 

I want to believe that, one day, I will be able to overcome that bit of ‘obstruction’ so I can accept people to love me again. But for now, I guess... I am not there yet unless God sent someone who changed my perspective completely and that I can say, “OK. let’s do it”.

For now, I am grateful enough to have friends who said, “ I am not worry about you because I know you are in God’s hand.  But I do concerned about you”.  

At this moment, I really do not like to or unable to bear to see my loved one who worries about me or potentially suffered to take care of me because they love me.  Well, guess I need a love that’s as big as God’s to fill. hahaha... 

- Pain that I am unable to overcome ... yet! -