Pain that I am unable to overcome... yet!

I am not sure if I should add the word ‘yet’ because, I might not be able to overcome this pain and fear in me, which hindrances me from advancing to the next level of ‘trust’ on people, or probably God too. I wonder from time to time if there’s anything I can do to make me feel better or have a different view on this.... but, let’s say, my wisdom and understanding is too limited to comprehend or to interpret from another perspective. What am I talking about exactly? Well, the pain of seeing my loved one suffer and worry about me, which is so great that I rather not have them to love me, if loving me means they need to suffer the pain of seeing me suffer.  

I do realise that some people do enjoy being loved, visited, and cared for when they are in their sick or dead bed. I don’t. This has brought me pain rather than feeling loved because seeing them worry and in pain, it bring no joy to me at all, even though I know I am going to be fine, I am going to die and go to heaven, and that’s mean I am loved and not being rejected (finally), but somehow, I can only take it at the very beginning, but not when it happened again and again. No. It is not a good feeling. 

I remember vividly how I was carried by hand by my dad to clinics, tests center, hospitals, while I can barely walk and needed to be treated immediately. I remember how everyone looks like when they came and saw me. I must have been in bad shape that everyone who walks in, will show me the face of concern and worries. I remember how the expression and reaction from people when they talked about me (which I can hardly hear). I don’t really like seeing people whom I loved to worry about me. I was taught later in my life that I need to make sure I don’t worry my parents and I know it is impossible for them not to at some point. I will have to decide and choose between whether to tell them now or later and weight between which one is a greater worry to them. 

I am not in a tip-top healthy soul since I was born. I have grown up with an untreatable disease that I just took very good care of and that people did not know about it. As I age, things are getting more obvious and frequent and that I find it difficult to cope sometimes, especially if there are people around me that I do not want to share my burden with. I hear you.... you are saying, i should share the burden. I get it. I would love you to share with me if you are in my position too. But history and past experiences had told me that, not everyone can stand and bear that burden with me and I might end up not sharing the burden, but killing your heart and mind too. So, no. Not everyone is given that chance to share. For those who tried and left, I still thank you for being there for me. For those who tried and ‘died’, I am sorry that I did not know you better to say "No" to you when you offered to share the burden with me. For those who are still sharing, you know you are great. I do not have to worry about you because you are mature enough, you know how I feel completely because part of you are facing the same thing and coping things way better than I do. I am grateful that whatever I throw at you, you are able to tackle it and handle it so well that you ended up by helping me to get up on my feet too. Seeing how you handle things, gave me a totally different perspective of things, but at the same time, trying my best to adapt the word ‘yet’ in this writing... 

I want to believe that, one day, I will be able to overcome that bit of ‘obstruction’ so I can accept people to love me again. But for now, I guess... I am not there yet unless God sent someone who changed my perspective completely and that I can say, “OK. let’s do it”.

For now, I am grateful enough to have friends who said, “ I am not worry about you because I know you are in God’s hand.  But I do concerned about you”.  

At this moment, I really do not like to or unable to bear to see my loved one who worries about me or potentially suffered to take care of me because they love me.  Well, guess I need a love that’s as big as God’s to fill. hahaha... 

- Pain that I am unable to overcome ... yet! -