1st anniversary

It was my 1st anniversary yesterday... ah.... don't get me wrong, don't get me wrong.. it's anniversary for settling down in KK only. Hahaha... since most of us came from somewhere, it has been a traditions for most of us that we have our anniversary celebrated. hahahahaha... so, a friend, very good friend accompanied to had a very very very very good and delicious dinner. We did a short while of shopping after that and ... then we went home.

During our dinner, we ordered 3 kinds of dishes... but when the 4th one came, we stopped wonder what went wrong. We had someone's food and...ahahahahhahahaa.. we had that for free at the end as the waitress has placed the food wrongly to us. So... it's funny but we really was so full until we had to go shopping for a while. hahahahahaha...

ok. Grandaunt passed away. I need to therefore leave now to settle things as tomorrow, I won't be able to pay respect in her funeral. Chow...

- 1st anniversary -

Blame v. Admit

I have planned to do my car service today since 2 weeks ago because I might need to drive my car up to Kundasang, Sabah for the Young Adult Camp on the coming Wednesday. As a very organized person, I made the appointment with this car service center about 2 weeks ago just to make sure that my time is not wasted and that I will be able to get my car serviced. I remember I praised this car service of its service months ago , wow.. about a year ago now because of their efficiency and their politeness. The first impression is important and they did manage to give me a very good impression, particularly by one of their staff.

I have scheduled my car service time to be the earliest, 0830. I arrived that service center around 0808 as recorded. Well, upon my arrival, a security guard asked me to put down my details and also hand him the car service book. I did as told and at about 0830, the service center opened and everyone rushed out. I waited there for a while, while the personnel sort out all the booklets one by one. I heard some people being called and I was thinking this is weird as I thought mine is suppose to be the earliest as promised by the personnel. At about 0910, I couldn’t stand. I walked to the counter and asked if they are allowing the walk-in to do their service before me. They looked at me with a shock and asked me of my car registration number. I gave them and yes.. they made a mistake. I told her I expect my car will finish it service by 0930 as otherwise, I would be given a free service. They looked at me and tried to explain that if that is the case, I need to lodge a formal complain. I didn’t show them I will. I just told them to finish it as soon as possible as I do have something planned after this.

I guess when thing goes wrong, everyone will be blaming someone for some fault which not sure whose responsibility it is. The first one blamed the second one for not checking properly, the second one blamed the first one saying she should double check her work, then both of them blamed the security guard for not putting more details and if I lodge a complain, the manager would certain blamed on them for their negligence and carelessness.

Because of their fault and mistake, I ended up re-time my schedule. Someone blamed me for ‘breaking’ my promises and I have to end up blaming the service center and their employees, etc. etc. Due to that, someone’s work couldn’t be done accordingly and they ended up blaming one another.

We always face this kind of situation in our lives. I remember months ago a client blamed me for forwarding a letter on behalf of them. They insisted that they did not give us any such instruction. But in fact, they have written to us to instruct us to do so. Blaming… it is such a ‘sin’ to me as it will be continuous until certain time and it will destroy relationships, friendship, etc. etc. etc. We, always loves to blame instead of facing things. We rather blame it on someone rather than admitting its wrong. A murder blamed that his/her parents for not raising them rightly and that’s caused him/her suffered mentally. A suicide bomber blamed someone for their decision and treatments from others. Hatred will set in because of all these. Anger will set in too and ultimately, it’s ‘sin’ that set it and … mind me to remind you that the consequences of sin is death. If you think blaming is not a serious sin, you are absolutely wrong.

Things would be so different if one admits their wrong. I would be happier if the first one who said sorry to me instead of blaming the other. I would feel better and not so angry if she did apologize.

Well, I did notice that … the personnel who served me the first time I was there is not in today… otherwise, things would have been different. I remember the first impression she gave me was that she made a mistake (probably her first week of work too) but she took the courage and came and spoke to me and apologize to me. See, even if it was a mistake, impression given is different. It’s noting wrong with making a mistake. It is just wrong if one failed to admits it and blame it on others.

- responsibility -

From God?

I was feeling quite down and just feel like quiting this firm and profession when I re-check my account again yesterday morning. With only a few thousands of cash in hand, I would need to pay for my Professional Indemnity Insurance laster yesterday. I have no choice but to call a friend who is an insurance agent. Got hold of him and he promised that he will come by to hand me the policy and also collecting the payment from me. He came around 10:30am... and after all that is necessary to be done, I asked him if he is free for a drink. We went out for a drink and... the whole conversation has some how, encouraged me!!!

During our 'drinks', he kept on sharing, testifying his blessing received from God recently. I couldn't remember what triggles the point that we are christian, etc... but he kept on sharing and sharing and he also confirmed that I should continue with my firm for another few years to see how thing goes. As a big brother, his words are encouraging. Of course I do know that he is trained sales and marketing personnel. Though I know he is good in talking but his words is really encouraging.. as what he did was just to count God's blessing one after another for 20 minutes. When he leaves, he continue to encouraged me and speaks blessing to me. It's amazing after that God blessed me with clients calling, walking in, etc. etc. It's just... amazing...!!! And the word 'amazing' has reminded me of God's grace...

Well, I am not sure if you ever thought that someone is 'sent' to you during your time of trial. To me this friend is just like a God's sent... wonderful testamonies... !!! It's not him that encouraged me. It's God's blessing to him and his family that blessed and encouraged me. hahaha.... how does thing like that happen? ... by God i suppose...

...

- from God -

Weird Feeling...

I went to court this morning for a very simple hearing. While I was waiting for my turn, many lawyers turned up and some of them started to chat with their friends, etc... and I realised that I have very few lawyer friends in KK. I was talking to a friend on phone last night. I chamber together with this friend of mine in the same firm when I was in KL and we called to the Malaysia Bar together on the same day. During our conversation, she reminded me that we are no longer a fresh lawyer. However, we feel that we are because we have very limited exposure. For the past few weeks, I really felt a bit weird as I am having the feeling of wanting to quit to be partner in this firm. The main reason is that not only income that is limited, but also because exposure also very limited. May be I have been rested enough. I do feel like working like a cow again. I do feel like working and working and working until I do not have time for myself. I am not sure why would I want to be as such. It is just a feeling perhaps. Or may be I am quite free this week in both my work and ministries.

Some of you do know that I have given myself a time frame in this partnership. That's 2 years in this partnership to see if I am going anywhere from here. If I don't, I shall venture on something else. A year is ending... Another year to come. I do thank God for His providence for the 1st year. I honestly wanted to trust Him on the second year, but I am not sure because I am in fact asking for a clear direction from Him. I hope He will continue to sustain me for the coming year... at the same time, give me a clear direction for my next step.

just a 'weird feeling'...

Experiences = the BEST of your mind set

People always think and said "that's the BEST I can do", "I think this is the BEST", "Your idea is wrong, this one is the BEST", "this is the BEST music I ever heard", this is the best teacher I ever met", "this is the BEST way to settle it", "this is the BEST chocolate I ever eaten", "this is the BEST guitarist I ever saw", etc. etc. Often, we heard about the BEST...

But in actual situation, it is all depends how far your mind and your experiences goes. "A" could be the best ice-cream to you if you have not known about the existence of "B", "C", "D", "E", etc. etc. You would therefore use the word BEST on other once you have tasted them. Hence, it is foolish to keep on sticking on your own standard and principle. You won't grow an inch higher in your wisdom and experience if you stick on it. It is also foolish when one do not listen to someone who has tasted the rest.

I am facing this situation since I came over to KK. People here seems to love sticking to what they have been doing for the past 20 or 40 or even more years. They still acclaim that it as the "BEST" even thought they forgot the time has past and things has improved. Sticking on OLD methods, would be too foolish sometimes althought some, are proven to be still the BEST.

I am not saying that what I think is always right and correct. But I do encourage that they would AT LEAST try it out to see if it works for the BEST. There is not such thing as NECEESSARY to adapt ALL of it. At least, to me it is always necessary to adapt the BEST be it an old method or a new one. There is no point sticking to one for the rest of your life.

The main reason I think I faced the same person after much research, is that, they are all has been staying here in KK for the rest of their life and that's why to them, they only saw "A" in their life and didn't see the rest and therefore, "A" is what they think as the BEST. The worse is that, some of them are still young but they are stubborn in accepting other's advice. Hence, they are still at "A".

It is saddening and heartbreaking to encounter such things happening... in this CITY. No wonder even up to today, people in the West still claim that we, the East staying up on the trees. I feel so sad everytime I heard that, but over this year, I failed to win over my mind... they are just not convincing. Hai... no wonder people who gone to the West to study doesn't want to come back to the East. It's not easy. More so, if someone was at oversea... it's so uneasy!!!

Things can be different if we are more advancing, humble, bold, accepting things, etc. etc. with open mind. It doesn't matter if it is a Japan product or Vietnam product or US product or Malaysia product... as long as it is GOOD and BEST, I think it is time to accept it. Don't accept it because it is US product or Japan Product... accept it because it is the BEST.

I hate it when Christian in Sabah said that England's churches are not as lively as they are and that England's churches are not adapting the system they are using, etc. Everytime I heard this, I would ask if he/she attended churches in England before. The second question I would ask if have they been to ALL the churches in England. The third question is how do they know the system they are using is not any better than the system here? You see, how can you compare it with 2 different cultures and needs? Let us not talk about churches and it systems. Lets talk about food. I am sure 90% of the Malaysian doesn't like the food in England. But 100% of English likes the food of their own. 90% of English doesn't like the Malaysian food, but 100% of Malaysian like the food of their own. Does that means, either of this food is any BETTER? Nope... it is just different. It is nothing like which one is the BEST and who should follow whose way of cooking. If you made judgment on your dislike because it is not done originally, i.e. You went in to a Western Restaurant or an English Pub in Malaysia and thought that's the English food... and you made judgment on it. Then you are very wrong. I personally eaten so many so called Malaysian food which is not originally made by Malaysian. If you made judgment by this, then you wouldn't be able to know the "BEST". You need to be there, in the original place, tasted the original ways of cooking.... Some of us do like pork, spare ribs... some of us hate pork, we love lamb. There's no 'default standard' on things. You should therefore went through all the 'experiences' to find out the BEST!!!!

- best -

Standard...

Lately, a friend keep on 'reminding' me and teasing me that I know people in 'high places'. Well, simply because I have been naughty since young and that's why my was known by all the Pastors and Reverend in the Diocese of Sabah. Some of them, are of course my father, my brother, my cousins and friends (that's shown that I am getting older and older). So, whenever they come over to Kota Kinabalu for meeting, I will be asked to go out with them for drinks, etc. I always glad to be able to meet them. Most of them, are good friends ... I did took a few moments to think how did all these happen. Well, I seriously not sure. I guess since I am from St.Patrick's church in Tawau, and St.Patrick's has trained up many ministers for the past years.. and that most of them were with me during my youth time and that's why. It's weird, but ... well... that doesn't mean that I know only people in 'high places'.

It all depends on the standard you sees. To many people, there is a general standard that they follow. I shall say... it's like a standard that everyone 'should' follow and people just follow because their grandparents used to follow, their parents used to follow, the majority of people in this world that follow, etc. etc.. and that it makes them think and have the mind set that it should be done in such a way. They (the majority) therefore made it as a 'default' standard for everyone to follow. When one failed to follow, most of them found it weird, found it not acceptable, found it as abnormal and they would 'advice' the minority to follow their standard.

Lately, I found that people love to tell me I should do A and B and C and follow their standard. Or they have 'presume' that their standard is correct that that my 'disobediant' is unreasonable, weird and unacceptable. They sees their standard as always correct and that everyone should follow. I am not sure if you are facing the same problem as I am, but this issue has been quite annoying lately as I truely only encounter is 'strongly' in Kota Kinabalu. Or may be I have not done 'my best' to follow the 'default standard' in Kota Kinabalu... or may be people in Kota Kinabalu is following and only realise ONE simple standard in life. I just found it WEIRD... to be FORCED to follow certain 'standard'. AT least, I hate to be made to take their 'standard' as the CORRECT standard to follow.

If you know me well, I hate to follow someone's default standard unless it is convincing. My only problem at the moment is that everyone is putting me in their standard and truely, I am suffering because I am not living up their their so called 'standard'. People started to have certain expectation on me. People started to demand things from me. Well, let me make it clear that, I hate to meet expectation. They more they asked and demanded that to be done by me, the more I will not do it.

If you happen to be one, haha... too bad. I have to let you know that, you have given me 'unnecessary stress' and that has pull our relationship further from each other. May be you should consider 'respecting' my own standard or at least, try to accept me as who I am instead?

I sometimes heard words that not very encouraging... or shall I say.... most of time... well, when one speaks on things and matters which they did not know fully. They made a judgment, comment and conclusion on it without knowing the full story. May be that's the different between someone who reads the law and others. I tried not to distinguish this, but I have been convinced by them that I should somehow or rather to avoid myself to hate them more. Some people, failed to make judgment even before listening to witnesses and looking at evidence. No supporting documents and witnesses and they already made conclusion and judgment. Which I think, UNFAIR to the 'accused'. I guess the main reason for all these because they are not the 'accused' themselves and they are from the press. They thought they can make any comment, judgement, or anything like that whenever and whichever they like. They didn't even realise they could be liable for 'defamation'. To remind you, the first criteria for defamation is that the words are defamatory (to lower down one self's identity), and it addressed to the public. So, beware... hahaha...

Well, to cut the story short... I hate to be made to follow the 'default standard'.

- standard -

Recovering...

It's not easy to fall down, got up and move forward. Among the 3 steps, I found the second one to be the most difficult as I did felt it is 'comfortable' to be down under once fell. It is difficult to got up before I have to put some efforts to move forward. However, this kind of process does occurs quite often in life. At some occasion, it is easier to overcome but some, it is so difficult as to one point, I just felt to stay put after I fell.

I was being pursuaded to share my 'fall' yesterday by a friend. The first part of the conversation, he just thought that I am having problem with dealing with my cell members and ministries, etc. etc... but he has got me wrong and I am quite sure that some of you who read my previous sharing in the blog has got me wrong. Completely wrong! No... I am not having problem with cell members nor cell group nor ministries... I am having problem with MYSELF. I LOST myself somewhere. I couldn't find myself and I am frustrated with it. It could be stress and tiredness that caused all these, but it's definately not because of the people or the issues or anything. It's all because I lost myself.

There are a few reasons of my recent 'falls'. One of the major reason is that I always too responsible on things assigned for me. I always take it seriously and that sometimes, too personally. A friend however, thought that I should draw a line between disciples and friends. I however, have dificulties in distinguish them as to me, my disciples are my friends and/or the other way round. Don't get me wrong. Nothing of such issue has arises so far. I told you earlier, he got me wrong. But we did talked about this issue and I did have difficulties in distinguish the two. And the third issue is of course that I am feeling TIRED of so many things came to me at once and sometimes, I do have this expectation towards my friends / cell members to understand. But somehow, that's not possible and my energy just drained out completely and that I am feeling so so so tired doing things by myself. And of course, to add on to all these is the accounting in my firm. My auditor is coming and my clerk is on maternity leaves and my partner, haha.. she is not helpful AT ALL. Even small small thing like writing a payment voucher, she needs me to reminds her and she just mess things up and I just had to double check things for her after she left the office. With all these, I did had friend visiting, etc, etc... and friends wedding to attend, etc. etc. Of all that, I do need to lead my cell group, motivate them to join the Young Adult Camp, etc. etc. Plus a bit of here and there in the church. I am ... really drained out and... tired.

And therefore, I lost myself... completely. Not knowing whether I am surviving for a purpose or to lives a life that God has given me. I have lost my direction and I just tried my very best to fulfil every RESPONSIBILITIES given to me as me, lawyer, cell leader, daughter, sister, friend, etc. etc.

Well, it has been almost a year now that this firm existed and well, there are good and bad times, there are struggles and disagreement. i.e. this morning my partner told me every professions has the dark side and we just need to blend in. Without looking at her (doing works at the same time), I just told her off directly and indirectly that I won't want to be one of them. She was angry because I didn't want to make things easier, but too bad... I told her I still won't do like what the GENERAL people will do and after I told her that, I walked out the office to do some photocopy and when I returned, I can sensed the tension in the office. I was telling 2 cell members last Wednesday that, I really struggles a lot in sustaining my position in this firm and in my professions. I know my life won't be easy once I oppose to the Dark Side. I also know that my calling as a Christian lawyer won't be easy and it is definately more challenging then a full time worker or minister sometimes. The most difficult part in all these are therefore not because I am opposing the Dark Side, but... to fight this fight all by myself. I really wonder how long can I last to be partner in this firm.

Some of you do know that I cannot tolerant my faith with someone who is not same as mine. I would rather give up a person, a relationship, my career and/or other thing rather than God. ... I really won't be able to sustain for too long with all the above. I need some prayer from you who is reading and who cares. I need some encouragment like some of you always give. But what I really do is not only a spiritual partner in prayer, but also a spiritual partner in action.

So yes... thought I am on 'recovering' stage... please continue to remember me in your prayer...

- recovering -

God's call...

I was kind of still feeling down yesterday after what happen for the past few days. Some of you really great. You do know me well. Know when to call me when not to. You are great! Not that i know some of you for a long time. But you have been great! Thanks... for being around.

I have decided yesterday to have a day of 'break'. Break from almost everything except work. First, I went to this bank to see this office whom also is a church member and we sat down and talked for like 1 hour and she reminded me about the sermon on Sunday. That God entrusted us with things that we can handle (Matthew 25:14-30). Honestly, of all that I faced, I just wonder if He did wrongly in entrusting me with this group of people.

In the afternoon, I saw an OLD friend online. I have not spoken to her for a very long time. More than a year probably. So I decided to disburb her peace for a while. She reminded me about Moses. But we concluded in our conversation that, I am much much much better than Moses because I only taking care of a group and not like Moses... millions ... !!! However, I did stressed out to her that I do need some help.... like Moses' father in law to came out with some 'ways' to ease my pain.

I stay up late in the office yesterday. Didn't feel like going home. Didn't feel like going to cell group, didn't feel like doing anything else but... stay up late in the office. While I was doing some emailing at about 6:30pm, my office phone rang. It gave me a shock of why my phone rang at this hour. I answered the call and it's from my friend who is the bank officer. She was just trying her luck to see if I still in the office. After sorted out the works (1 min), then she asked why i was still in the office. This was what she said: " Why still in the office at this hour? Thought you have cell meeting tonight? Why? Didn't feel like going? Cannot. Go. After this conversation, switch off computer, pack and go home. Get yourselve ready to cell group." I wonder after I hang on the phone if this is from the Lord. I went home. Took my bath and rested for a while. Look at the clock and it's 7:45pm. I really didn't feel like going. But I dragged myself no matter how because of that phone call. During my journey, I just had the feeling that, I still love this group of people despites hurted in various ways for the past few months. I truely had a great time in cell last night. It's fun...!

God makes me ponder over the issue of my works these few days. I ponder over whether to continue to be equally yoke with my non-christian partner. I ponder over issue like whether to accept certain cases and the burden He placed in my heart. When I told my dad I might be going to England next year for a short term mission, although at first he is worried about my career, but he did reminded me that "If it's from the Lord, anything can happen to make you go." I guess... it is going to happen... 'anything'... be it a disagreement with partners, etc... "anything" will just happen to make sure I go... if it is from the Lord. I ponder then, of if I am alright with losing this firm. To my amaze...I am ready to lose it if it is not a firm that is pleasing to the Lord. God has trainned me to be able to accept a situation where I lose EVERYTHING. Some of you do remember that I had that experience before.

God always has the sense of humour. I am not sure if I am just a 'lego' of His. But I do feel like He is in control of all things... even whether I go to cell group or not last night, He is in control. A phone call at that hour? hahaha.. tell me about it!!!

Well... today, I am still pondering over the issue of 'God's calling'. And I am still renewing the 'first calling' and 'first burden' He placed in me. I guess, I need to be reminded. That my calling is not only to reach out to non-believer, but mainly is to train and equip christian to be strong in their faith. And that's why England is always in my heart. I almost forgot about it...

"God will do 'anything' to remind us of 'something'!"

- God's call -

I gave up...

I remember weeks ago I told 2 of my friends that I am very 'tired'. Tired in the sense not on my physical, but my mind, my emotions and my serving. I used to be able to handle 200++ files a day without feeling tired because my mind, my emotions and my physical can handle it and because it is just work, I am fine with it.

But these few weeks, I really felt the difficulties of handling people. Shall I not say weeks? Some of you know how long I have suffered from this. AC and JL.. thanks for your support for reminding me constantly that I need to focus on the Lord instead. However, I just feel tired. JL. You are right. I need a 'rest', both physically and emotionally. AC, I finally cannot stand. Yes. And today, I finally gave up. Don't bother to text me or call me. I just do not have mood at all. Just let me 'die' for a few days. JL, I need a break like what you had at Genting. Now I am thinking if the same issue will arise if did the same. haha... but to whom am I encounter to? hahahaha.... I do not have a cell leader like you have loh.... hahaha...

Yes.. just let me 'die' for a day or two. You know me well... nothing to worry.

- gave up -

Finally...

It's a privilege to be able to met someone who knew me when I was young this morning in church. He came back from Australia and he preached in our sunday service this morning. He couldn't recognise me of course since the last time he saw me, I think I was not more than 7 years old... or to be exact... should be between 4 or 5 years old. He remember my name well...so when I told him I am so and so, he looked at me like "You? Wow...". hahaha... and immediately, he said he want to take a picture for his wife. So, I manage to took a picture with him. It's really good to be able to met someone like this.

Well, ... sorry for making this blog idle for a long time. I couldn't believe that my schedule was so tight for the past week and that I didn't even have time for myself even in the office. Well, right after a friend's wedding on 28.04, on Sunday, I had a day of with my friend from KL. At night... I thank God I manage to hava a rest... before my dad came to KK on Monday evening. On Monday, I woke up at 8am and then I had a feeling that my clerk won't be in the office today, so i went to office and low and behold, she wasn't in. However, I was rushing things in the office, preparing so many things, especially 2 hearing on Thursday and Firday. Before I realise, time flies... and I only received news from my partner that my clerk has delivered her baby that morning. I rushed things off and before I realise, it's time to go off. That's monday ... my dad called to tell me that he reached KK but he is brilliant because he didn't want to bother me so much as he knows I do have prayer meeting to attend in the evening. On Tuesday, I was asked to attend a church's building opening ceremony at 10pm. I couldn't wake up on time and my friend ended up waited for me. After that, I had a bit of rest before I went out to get something from the office and cut my hair. In the evening, I joined a family dinner at my grand aunt's place until 10:30pm. The next day, besides doing some preparation for my hearing, I went to church for the mother's day praise and worship. After lunch with all of them, I went home and did some cleaning up before I went to fetch my dad at 3pm. After that, I went out for dinner with my uncle and aunty's family at this newly opened Indian restaurant. It's nice... after the dinner, I sent my dad home and went straight to cell group meeting. The next day, on Thursday, after a court meeting in the morning, I got back to my office and rushed things crazily. I went home after that feeling so tired. On Friday... goodness... I was in court the whole day... and went straight home after court at 4pm. In the evening, I went for Praise and Worship practice... and on saturday.... my mind just went wild... without knowing how to think things straightly. hahaha... before I realise where my brain is, I received an SMS on Friday evening that a friend is visiting me... and I have to pick her up at 5pm on Saturday. On saturday, I rested in the morning and then went to see a friend... then met some friends for lunch then went to church to teach guitar and practice some praise and worship before I went to fetch my friend in the airport. After fetching her, I bought her for a drink and dinner.... and today, Church in the morning and ... after church, we went to get something for a friend's wedding next week and also to brought my friend around...

I am home ... as my friend, she went out with friend. I finally got a chance to have my own space... I am tried... extremely tired!!! I need rest and sleeps... but tomorrow, I have to go to office very early.. at about 7am, to meet a client at 8am and ... guess what? I have not done his work yet. Goodness... I have to wake up at 6:30am. OH NO!!!!

Well... tomorrow evening I have a prayer meeting to attend. Just being told that I will be the intepreter for a Pastor and wow... I also heard that after prayer meeting, we are going to celebrate a friend's birthday... GOD, HELP ME!!!!

I am already feeling that I am down with something ... I hope I am not down with flu soon... otherwise my partner will be suffering staying in the office doing things all by herself. Well... I can't help it if I am really down with flu....

- what a week -

...

I am speechless... I have things to type and write and tell and share.. but yet I do not have sufficient time to do it NOW. ... I am so so so busy with works.... it must be the holiday.. but wait... I wasn't even have my HOLIDAY... I didn't even get a chance to sleep more or even watch tv. Well, well, well... what can I say? I am speechless of my busy schedule.

Well, I promise you.. I will update the whole full things that happen to me for the past week. ... by Wednesday if not Tuesday.

- ... -