What I didn't know....

I woke up quite early this morning and after packing and all, I went in to office to sort out some works since I wasn't at office yesterday afternoon.  Hunger strikes me badly this morning.... and so, instead of driving out, I went to E-west café lounge which is just nearby.  Sat down, ordered and start reading what I need to.  When my meal came, I quickly start eating... then suddenly, three woman came in and when I look up, I saw them pointing at me and one shouted, "Hey, Pei San.... how are you?", then the other one tell another one that I am a former student of St.Patrick, etc.  Then I realised, out of 3, 2 of them who knew me, one was my teacher (and my parents' friend whom I also very close with since baby.... and definitely close to her 2 daughters), another one whom also my parents' friend whom I know and attending CCL and the other one, I do not know at all.  I was told she used to teach in St.Patrick school way before I attended secondary school.  So, they are having their gathering. 
While I was finishing my meal, another one walked in.  I didn't know all these teachers can remember seriously..... but from a far when she saw me, she called out my name.  I got a shock.  Oh well, I guess there after, the closest to our family's teacher told them my parents' condition and all as suddenly, I realised them looked at my direction for a few seconds. hahahaha...  I guess they must be thinking why am i eating alone. hahahahahahaha.... 
Oh well, ... I am never a 'famous' student to anyone.  I do not think i am outstanding in any area of my life.  Worse still, I never excel in my studies and I can be so 'famous' in my -10 marks math exam and accounting. hahahahahahahahahah....  I am not like my brother whom he can expect every teachers know who he is because he is really good in academic, in sports, in arts, in everything he did.
But what i didn't know is that.... after so many years, teachers still remember my name? Oh wow....  I better be good. hahahahaha....
- What I didn't know... -

Love

It is a word I have failed to describe nor feel it for the past few years.  The 'to love others' button somehow has been deleted by the 'programmer'.  By default, anyone, everyone who comes and tell me that they love me, they will not get any respond from me. I won't be able to feel it too.  No matter how much one do anything for me or to me, ... they will get no respond from me.  Be it it's so romantic, it's so touching.... it's just not going to touch my heart.  That's how 'wounded' I was and am.
I do appreciate (logically) what they all did to and for me in the past.  But deep down in my heart, it's just.... 'untouchable'. A way to protect myself from being hurt again may be?
Having said that, there are few people nevertheless think they 'received' unexpectedly from me throughout the past few years too.  Whereas, some people who has the expectation that I will be good to them, they are much hurt by my unexpected reaction.  I guess, my heart has changed (not very sure for better or for worse).
It was quite an unexpected experience in the past few months though where both fear to love and the fear to be loved came at the same time.  Challenging my heart to open up (seriously not sure open up for being loved or for being hurt and that's the fearful part).  I don't think I have the confidence in human being anymore.  I call it an adventures ride.
I keep reminding myself it's not difficult for me to love someone or make someone feel loved. But it is definitely difficult for me to open up myself to let someone to make me feel loved. It's challenging for people and in order for me to feel loved, they really need to put up really lots of efforts.  Over the years, I know with my heart and mind of so many others who are out there who have put up a lot of efforts to love me.  I appreciate that.  I know hard it is for them.  Thanks for bearing all these with me.
Seriously, I am trying very hard at my end to accept "I am being loved".  I hope I don't make anyone of you feel discouraged, rejected and hurt.
Thanks for the one who made extra efforts to make me miss you all the time.  Somehow, this has made my heart exercise a bit more than usual.
- Love -

Contradiction!

When I was deciding which course I should study after SPM, my mom disagree with most of my suggestion, except law.  However, throughout the years, she has been worry about me as I am not a smart kid at all.  So, I struggled through my degree, CLP, etc. And now that I am a practising lawyer, she is worry why am I taking up litigation matters instead of doing just what all the Tawau lawyers are doing, conveyancing matters. Her worry is substantial when she realised what sorts of people I am dealing with and what sorts of people I am suing.  hahahahahahaha.....
Well, I can be bias and being fearful all the time for not wanting to be 'known' and not wanting to hurt certain parties, can I? That's what 'upholding' justice means, isn't it? (well, is there something call upholding justice in Malaysia legal system?)  And yes, that's one of the reason why no one should attach with me too closely these days.  My life is in danger all the time.
Now that I wanted to study LL.M to get out from all these, my mom again worry about me as to whether I am able to handle both works and studies. 
I don't know if she is feeling more 'guilty' or worry over her own decision or mine these days. Seriously it is bothering me. What's bothering to be exact? People's expectation, what others want from me.  I just feel pressure....
This feeling has been with me ever since I was a kid then..... no one ever being supportive of my decision ever. NEVER EVER I get the 'Yes' answer... from my brother, from my mom..... and I am still suffering from it today. Damn!
- Contradiction! -

Weird feeling....

Interestingly, a group of primary schoolmates, and another group of secondary schoolmates recently has set up a whatsapp group chat room. The primary schoolmates however set up a reunion gathering during cny and the secondary schoolmates had gathered up among them and now, they all saying that I being anti-social and didn't join them ever. 

Firstly, I wonder what's the big deal of me joining and not joining them? Due to my 'special characters', they never consider and accepted me during school time nor invited me for any event for the past 21-25 years and so, why is there a need now? 

Secondly, saying that I am anti-social and not looking down on them because I am a lawyer? Come on.... Who are you and what position are you in my life? Not that I 'belong' to any of you nor your group for the past 21-25 years and do you think I should now 'walked in' and join you? 

Thirdly, I do have a few good friends I am still keeping in touch with for the past 21-25 years and I still do meet up with them whenever I can and able to, that's because they accepted me as who I am all these while and still do.  It's not because of the issue of 'ranking' and 'selection'.

Fourthly, I am not accountable to you all as to how I conduct my life is. 

Well, I don't know why never get accepted. But I do know I don't really like them either. I am sorry.... When you all started to do the 'selection', I have learned that too. 

I am just feeling weird that people started to be so offensive these days. Oh well, yup! I am being sensitive! Haha...

- feeling weird-

14th February 2014

I always love the numbers 2, 14 and this year, it's 2014.... oh well, it's my 39th birthday, 15th day of CNY and Valentine's day..... and so instead of my plan to stay alone, I was duty bound to be back to celebrate with my parents.... and also for work for the next few days....
There's just too many blessing over the week.  I was just telling my mom that I had all the dinners arranged since Monday, etc.  Even though I am 2 days behind schedule to finish my studies, ... I just cannot be avoided to put some time to celebrate my own birthday.  Oh well..... who knows when will be the last time I celebrate my birthday? hehehe.....
But besides all the celebrations, gifts, kind gestures to send me off, help me with errands, etc from friends and family..... I am somehow overwhelmed to received an email from a company that they have confirmed to appoint my firm as their penal law firm.  Looks like all i need is to gear myself up for the incoming challenges.  I am thrill... and I know God is providing despite the 'quiet-ness' for the past few months. After, He has been providing....
Oh well, this year, I had 4 pieces of cakes for my birthday over a week. It's just .... unexpected and .... FULL. hahahaha... Well, here are some of the pictures....

Thank you everyone! You all make me feel so loved!

Different Perspective...

I don't like to be misunderstood.  This is one of the thing I cannot tolerate at all.  But it's not an option in life i realised.  Misunderstanding does occur from time to time.  Some choose to explain, some don't.  There are many reasons why we did what we did, but people loves to form their own opinion on things, to misunderstood us.  

Over the years, people loves to wonder certain facts about me.  Well, I don't blame them because I do not 'act' like a 'normal' one anyway.  I won't say I am weird, but instead, I think I am special.  I am just not 'normal' — in the world's standard. People never asked me why I did what I did, but instead, people 'expect' me and/or asked me to do what they, or the general people do.  I always feel 'offended' with their requests. Why should I follow the way they 'think' is 'correct'?

I always know people will understand why I did what I did if I explain to them the reasons.  But how many people in the world I can address my 'explanation' to? I just feel lazy to keep explaining. So I always understand the feeling of those who are sick and handicap.  For those, people can accept them to be 'different' because it can be seen that they are indeed 'different' and have 'special needs'. Unlike me, I will probably have to explain. 

And that's probably the last thing I wanna do.  If people cannot accept the differences I am, then I am fine with them leaving me as who I am.  From day one, it's already difficult for me to accept it myself, what more others? Do I need to explain just for myself to be 'accepted'? Do i need to be self-pity? 

My only comfort to myself all these years is though the world does not accept me, my Lord is. Even if the world misunderstood me, the Lord my God & Father is and will not. 

Is that enough? For a while, it is... but the 'general world's perspective' is really shaking me out...  may be i need someone to tell me he/she loves me because of who I am, and not some 'expectation'. I don't know.....

- Different Perspective... - 

Promise!

Indeed, life is much better with your presence. I cannot express and tell you how much I appreciate your love towards me despite what we went through. It's unexplainable.... Unable to quantify, measure, compare, balance.... 

I know we both have the fear of losing each other again. But we both know and are trying our very best to not let that option even exist. So, this is what I promise you... I will not 'disappear' from you and your life again even though one day you choose to select the option to disappear from mine (I hope not).

Thanks for loving me even though you know it is so difficult (harder than climbing mt.everest, yes!).

I love you too! 

- promise!-

Over those years....

Someone said, reconciliation and forgiveness are not easy and when it happens, it has a special meaning and feeling all together.  Well, I still think it's my fault nevertheless... only if I am not sick, things won't be that bad and no one will took a 'wrong' step somewhere along the way.
May be it is the understanding and the application of the law of causation which I choose to apply to what had happen.  But the fact that it's 'caused' by me, I shall therefore take the blame.
I know others have a different opinion on this or may be they too think it's their fault.  It's really question of whether there's chicken or egg first.  I am not arguing. I don't have any rights to argue anyway.
Issues ended, matter talked, things sorted and we love each other more than ever and that's enough. Of all, I acknowledged all the hard work, pain, hardship, tears, actions for the past few years and I really appreciate all these very much.

There are issues which I choose not to look at or ponder over about, but these 2 years has somehow made me ponder over it, some, I somehow managed to face it but others, I will need people to help me to go through it.  Well, let's take it one step at a time then...

- Over those years... -

Never before...., it is now.

I just don't know how to describe my feeling at the moment.  I guess, love is really something powerful.  A simple word and yet, powerful.... is what exactly that gave me a different view of life all over a sudden.  It has been a while.... but indeed, it is great!
I don't think I have ever feel so loved before...
- never before... , it is now.-

Struggles

After a few years of believing and accepting the fact that no one care much and love me (I cannot feel it at least), I lives a life for myself. Putting a few things and people in the list and do what I should, no more, no less.... That's been my kind of life for the past few years. 

People who came around to care, and a word of greeting to me has no different meaning then any strangers whom I met on the streets or the fruit store owners who welcome my presence. Well, in summary.... I am merely living a life without any 'love' felt. A fact I have had accepted. I can't feel love, I cannot feel touched, I cannot feel anything anymore. People who came forward to greet me or call me, I tend to believe that there must be something they want from me. People only come to me to get some benefit. So, I don't say yes or feel compassion to people these days. 

If one needs  nothing, they either pay for it or beg!!!

I didn't realised how much I shut myself and heart down until in the past month, someone keep reminding me I am loved. That open up me to ponder and think of the issue again. I am struggling through in trying to strike the balance of whether to believe or not. Don't get me wrong. I only have issue if being loved. I don't have much issue of loving people and providing needs for others. 

But to find someone who keeps loving me.... Even though I was trying to make them go away, it is really something I don't think I have expected.

Shall I believe or shall I not? I am struggling....

-struggling-