end of 2009

If you ask me what happen in 2009, I will have to tell you, I can't remember most of it. Did I go back for Chinese New Year? What happen on my birthday? How many cases I win? How much money I earn? Has my leg fully recovered? How's holiday? Did I even have a holiday? All I knows is that, I thank God for His faithfullness... I have earned another year with blessing ang grace. Whatever happen, it has become history and for the coming 2010, I just wish to be better, in my work, in my spiritual journey, in my relationship with God, family and friends and also in sports/exercise.

Yes, if you ask me about resolution for 2010? I must frankly tell you, I never have one all these years. hahahahaha... and yes, that's explained why I always feel like a loser.. hahaha..

- end of 2009 -

Death!

Death is a taboo to many and no one would even want to mention about it, if we are given a choice to. However, we have to face it be it you like it or not. Some people are afraid of death more than some others. I see death as a 'new beginning' as it will be a beginning of a wonderful time with the Lord forever and ever. Not only for 80 to 90 years, but ever and ever.... it's eternal. Oh well...

I happen to received a few news of the demise of a very good friend and my boss' father just before Christmas and it somehow continues.... yup, people are dying. A close friend of mine, KP was dignosed with cancer few weeks before he got married and the news has turned a happy wedding to a meaningful wedding and we all had fun and enjoyed ourselves on their wedding day. I flew all the way to their wedding (with sponsor by SW, a good friend of theirs too) and took some nice pictures for them. For the past more than a year journey, we have been praying hard for KP and we sometimes received good news and sometimes received not so good news from them about KP's sickness. We met a few times after the wedding (we just have to meet on the 3rd day of Chinese New Year every year at Marco Polo Hotel, Tawau) and they went to Europe tour, manage to see the snows and many beautiful places God created. They have spent time together in sickness and in health, in riches and in poor. I must say, God blessed them well. With some sorts of preparation, be it KP himself, his wife, his family members, KP passed away on 22nd December 2009 evening.

When my flight touched down Tawau, I switched on my phone and I realised, there's 1 text message received and the text was from my colleague telling me my boss, KT's dad passed away on 22nd December 2009 night as well. He was having a bit of flu, went to bed and never get up. He just passed away without any 'preparation' at all. Even though he's at old age, but he's healthy and no one somehow is prepare of a sudden demise of him.

On Christmas day, I met an aunty whom I know since birth. I went to her and greeted her and compare to a few years ago, she looks weaker and more fragile, but strong in her voice. As I was chatting with her, my mother came along and they chatting and the conversation were as below:

My mother : Hey, how are you doing?

Aunty : Praise the Lord everyday when I open my eyes and see something familiar arounds me.

My mother : Oh, same here.

Aunty: Everyday I woke up and realise that, I will thank the Lord that I earn another day of life.

My mother : Yes. me too.

I ponder over all these 3 incidences that afternoon. Speaking of death. Are we ready to face it? Are we not suppose to get ready every single day? Do we need to wait somemore to do something we should? It's not an automatic rights that we can get up every morning. It is also not an automatic rights that we shall lives. We can plan a lot of things, but we can never plan when we want to die. If that is the case, why not, we make it a point to decide now of our future plan? Many insurance company are selling 'future plan' to their customer. I can tell you, as far as a financial planning is concern, you can't run away from part of their plan which calls, estate planning. Why is that so? Can we really plan for our future? Some may leaves behind a few millions dollars, some a few hundreds, but what's the different? They will be finished very easily. A good investor will know, you need to invest in your FUTURE - the eternal life, the life after death.

So, are you investing it still in this life or in your eternal life? Investing on this coming 80 years or FOREVER? I let you decide. But, choose wisely!

- Death! -

I'll be home for Christmas!

I remember those years where I was to stay where I was and celebrate Christmas all by myself with friends I met then. Oh well, I must tell you, I really thank those who celebrated Christmas with me then... we organised lots of parties didn't we? hahaha... and yes, I didn't feel a bit of lonliness then and Christmas, even I have to go through it alone, it's ok because I still enjoy going to church and celebrate Christmas with Lord Jesus.

I think I missed going home for Christmas for about 9 years, if not 10 years. Ya... and so, after I came back to Sabah, as I am nearer to home, I will try to go back home for Christmas! I wasn't home for Christmas last year and this year, I just think it's better for me to go home for Christmas (after hearing the disappointment tones from my dad when I told him I might not be home for Christmas this year).

So ya... it won't be as great as I celebrate Christmas with friends... but I guess, I NEED to be at home for Christmas!!!!! So, I am going back tomorrow afternoon.... for Christmas!!!!!

- I'll be home for Christmas! -

Christmas gift!

A cousin of mine who lives in Australia sent me a link this morning. It's about a news about Malaysia that he wants me to read about but as I finished my work and after reading the news, I click on the link which says: "Do not know which gift to choose?" and so, the link suggested a series of "easy to extravagant Xmas gifts". I was so shock to find out a few items, like, the world's most expensive wine, Lafitte 1787 for the price of approximately USD178,000.00; the luxury yacht to West Meditteranean with the cost of RRP$80.4m; Wembley Stadium valued at $1.5 billion, and others. Oh well, some people are very particular with what they receive as gift. Some thought that the more expensive the gift is, it showns more love and sincere the person is. Oh well...

As we were preparing for Caroling 2 weeks ago. I was scheduled to do one or two of the sharing and so, I was sitting down in the church that sunday morning, hoping to get some inspiration (as suggested by a dear friend of mine) and I was listening and looking around, the christmas tree placed at the sanctuary of my church caught my eye and as I looked, I saw only 1 present was there (they have more now). I thought to myself at first, why is there only 1 present? And later, I thought to myself, obviously, the world wide celebration and/or tradition of giving gifts during Christmas all started because we recognised that Jesus is a gift to us by our God and so, one present is good enough.

Right after that moment, I thought of something to share with the host we are going to visit that particular evening. A story of Christmas GIFT!

Oh well, just for those who have not heard of the story of Christmas GIFT, I just wanna take 1 minute to read this (I copy and paste some of it ya.. ) : -

My nephew and nieces always love to receive gifts from me. To a point, a friend even asked if they still love me if I stop giving them gifts. I remember last year during chinese new year, I bought them so gifts. My nephew loves LEGO. He was so excited with the LEGO I gave him because it's happen that it's the same series of LEGO his father has bought him. He ran to me a few times, holding his LEGO in his hand and asked me if this is HIS. I assured him that both these 2 are HIS and he ran around telling everybody in the house, his father, his mother, his sister, his grandfather, his grandmother that, the 2 LEGO are his.

Together with a friend, we decided to give our friend her christmas gift earlier because we think she desperately needed the gift. To us, it's not something so special, it's just something she needs but she screams when she found out that her name is engraved in the gift and she keeps telling us that "It has my name in it... it has my name in it...".

Be it a kid or an adult, I guess we will be overjoy especially when we receive something that is SPECIALLY meant for us.

In Luke 2: 11, the Lord has present the GIFT to us and He has told us who it is for. The angel who annouced Jesus' birth said, "Today a Savior has been born to you." I want to ask you to take that "you" very, very personally. Jesus was born for you, to die for you, for every wrong thing you have ever done. That's why He can rescue you from the eternal death penalty you deserve - that we all deserve - for hijacking our life from God. Behind His Christmas cradle stands the shadow of that Good Friday cross where He loved you enough to die for you.

ALL THESE... is just FOR US, SPECIALLY FOR US! May you find the one special gift that's personalised just for you this Christmas!

- Christmas Gift! -

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas to all....!!!! Just like the picture above.... it's time for us to 'decorate' ourselves up for the coming Christmas! Well, just in case I didn't manage to post anything up when Christmas is here... Merry Christmas to you!!!!! May God continue to bless you in the coming year!

Mood for Christmas!

Christmas always associates with fun, smiles, happiness and gift giving, etc. etc. Ever since I was young, as I was raised by christian parents and was staying in the church compound, I do know, Christmas is all about Jesus. His coming.. to be exact and it's time for us to be reminded of being happy and celebrate as this is the only reason we can be happy about.

Ever since I was young, I was always assigned to take part in drama, singing and any other programmes which the church and/or the inter-church has organised. Oh well, ... when I grew older, I was even given task to organise christmas event.... and so, it has been like this all these years until I came to Kota Kinabalu. hehehe... a place where no one knows me... (love it!) ... and of course also because I always try to escape by going back to Tawau for Christmas! hehe...

Ever since I came back from England, mood about Christmas changed. Somehow... I am still finding for the cause of all these seriously... most probably too many things happen during Christmas season over the years that I finally cannot take it anymore. Hence, I have never have a good Christmas ever since I am back from England. I don't even know what sorts of christmas I wish to have. To be alone? To be with friends? To be with parents? Away from KK? Awasy from Malaysia? Away from home? Feast or not? BBQ? Roast Turkey? Roast Lamb? What exactly will make me have a good and joyous Christmas? The worse part is.... this unhappy feelings will last until new year is over...

So... ya... even though I am going home this Christmas and I can't wait to go home, but to think of it... it will be another lonely and sad christmas. No, not that it's meaningless... just lonely and sad one... I hope!

Hmm...

- mood for Christmas! -

Spirit of rejection?

It was a conversation I had with a friend few weeks back that somehow, I told her that I have the sense of rejection lately... from everybody, everyone, anyone.... whom I know and whom I did not know, someone whom I sees as important and also those who are not important. I seriously do not mind not being known. But... somehow, people remembers me... not because of who I am, but of how good I can be 'used'. Well... as I mention earlier, I don't really mind being used because most of the time, I am WILLING to be used. But the 'after-feeling' that really haunt me terribly... because besides and after I was being 'used'... to fulfil whatever they wish and/or intended to 'use' me for, they just dump me aside.... let me be alone and do not even bother what I like, what I want, etc. etc. Well... I guess I am just feeling lonely huh?

Well, seriously.... I thought it is too... but I guess it is MORE than loneliness... I think my past has somehow haunted me... and yes, just when I thought I found some exceptions to it, those people just failed me... and hence, again, I am back... and the spirit of rejection is again back.... !

Hai... well, what can I say? I am just who I am... and I am as 'useful' as before, that's all. So? Who didn't want to use me if they can and dump me when they are ready to huh?

- spirit of rejection? -

The Blessed one!

Ever since I was young, I have the impression that I am the "pity" one.... well, let me tell you why. It's all because everybody besides me are better than me.. in terms of wealth, in terms of wisdom, in terms of talents, in terms of beauty, just EVERYTHING! My life has not been have any 'improvement' all these years though and hence, I always tell myself to accept the fact. That my life will not be any better anyway and I should just feel contented with my life. Well, don't get me wrong. I do... and I have always did. When thoughts otherwise came, somehow, God reminded me again and again....

Yes. I do not have the wealth in the earth as much as many arounds me have... but I am still better then the one who almost being adjudicate bankrupt this morning in court (I am sure there's at least 200 of them, in Malaysia alone...).

Yes. I do not have the wisdom many has. I never own an A in ALL my exams... but I am an advocate and solicitor today.

Yes. I do not have the many talents others has, but I do have some talents which no one has too.

Yes. I do not have a rich dad in monetary terms, but I do have one who is rich spiritually.

Yes. I do not have the love of my life YET, but I do have a wonderful family. There's no divorces, bad family members in my family. No one can imagine how close we are to each other... not only within our family, but we are close among our relatives.

Oh well... what else can I say if I didn't declare that I am the blessed one? hehehe...

- the Blessed one! -

Diocesan Youth Camp!

I was being asked to help with the recreation session at the Diocesan Youth Camp this afternoon. It was suppose to be only from 2pm to 4pm, but I was being asked to go at 8am to help them to take their group photo. Hence, I woke up earlier than my normal working day and went out and reached there by 7:45am this morning. After the photo session, I helped with the BLOWING balloons sessions, which was the preparation for the recreation session. Ghoosh...!!! We need about 500 balloons............. and it took us at least 4 hours to get all of them blown. hahahaha....

Well, while I was sitting with the youth before our lunch being served, ... I was talking with a few others about our youth camp years ago. Obviously, we thought we have more fun then then now... and .... while I was sitting with my cousin and his wife after lunch, someone came and said, "I think these 3 have joined the youth camp longer". hahaha... ya... well, since our youth time until now, huh? hehehe...

Somehow, I realise, not everyone has the privilege to join the Diocesan Youth Camp... I did..... and because of the Youth camp, I was here in KK for the first time... and throughout the years, I have known many friends whom I still keep contact with. Cool huh? hehe... hence, I can't quite get it why young people doesn't want to join the youth camp though... what can we lost for joining the camp? hmm...

- Diocesan Youth Camp! -

Wrong understanding...

I was telling a friend that I went to court this morning and the 1st and only respond he gave me was that I must be still feeling angry then. I ponder for about 5 seconds on what he commented and I asked him why did he thought I will be angry. His answer is simple. Because I went to the Court. Many have the understanding that Court room is a place where heated arguments will be at and many thoughts, we, the lawyers, only argue our case to the end, regardless on which stage the case is. Many have also thought that we lawyers, when we go to court, we will fight and argue and got ourselves and other party angry. I am not sure if that's what you understand law and the law profession is. If you do, let me explain to you a little bit of the MALAYSIA LEGAL SYSTEM and how it works in the court.

When we got a case in our hand, our first few court matters will be mention and/or hearing. Well, as simple as the word, it just means as it is.... mention, meaning, to mention the case to the court. Tell the Judge what this case about and whether this case shall proceed, etc. Hearing is a day fixed by the court to hear either one's application to see if your application should be allowed or not. The Judge will hear from both the parties of what they want to say. Trial, would be just like what the bible defined as, a TEST. What to test? To test which side is telling the truth and which one is not and which one can show evidence to support their 'story', etc. Well, that's what we do as a lawyer, to attend a few court sessions for respectives application, etc. etc. No. Not at all time we will have heated argument. Even in trial, sometimes, both parties' lawyers will be at peace, trying to sort out things and do their best to bring up their matters, evidence, witness, etc. We, the lawyers are thought to practice and exercise our duty and/or professions etiquettely, althought, we all know, there are some that's not.

Well, I was searching for a precedent on cost these few days. I was digging out all my old stuffs and realised, some of them, I have shipped it back to Tawau and hence, I have to ask around. I happen to met a senior lawyer this moring and so, I asked him if he has a copy. Trust me, I asked about 5 of them yesterday and 4 of them told me they have not done it for the past 15 years and not very sure about it. 1 told me what I should do, but have also not done it before. And this senior lawyer, apparently has a copy of the precedent ... in Bahasa Malaysia (BM) as it is a precedent from Kuala Lumpur while he was practising there. I tell you, I am so pleased to find out that he has a copy. hahaha... it's like a serious problem being solved.

See, we lawyers, do sharing too. We can't know EVERYTHING, of course, some will know more than the other and some know more on the particular area of laws then the rest of the area of laws. It's normal and we share. In courts, while waiting for the Court to start, we too, will ask around, chat around and searching for opinion about certain issues we encounter.

I was in court for the case which was being struck out few months ago. I thought it's a mistake which I shouldn't have made and I felt so bad about it. Still, I have to face the judge and all the other lawyers that particular day as when my case was called, I was asked to tell the court what happen, etc. and the other lawyers, none of them find it funny and disgraded me. Neither me nor my opponent knows what went wrong and what should be done but you can see, everyone is helping (No. I still haven't got the case reinstated YET). I made a mistake in my cause paper and I didn't know I made a mistake until the Judge told me. The rest of my fellow lawyers have somehow helped me out throughout (pretty obvious that's my first and only mistake). When we finish the court for the day, some of them even came and encouraged me.

Well, I hope, by now, you will know what "go to court" means exactly. No. It's not always about heated argument even though we can't avoid those sometimes (mostly the clients we have caused it).

- wrong understanding -

Post

I seldom go to the post office ever since I came back from England. Well, my most remarkable business with the post office in England, was to send my TV to my aunt through post. Yes... I was posting my TV and my aunt received it too. Well, if you are speaking of faith and trust on post office, I guess, I trusted them almost 90%. That's obviously, in England. The only postcard I sent was never received by my parents was the one I sent in Rome. hahaha... the Vatican City to be exact. Well, I had many good memories with Post in England. Everytime, I moved, I went to the post office, to re-direct all my letters to a place for a few months, i.e. the post office or my aunt's place, etc. It's convenient and through those services, I never, NEVER missed any mail at all.

Since I returned and working as a lawyer, I learned about what is registered post, what is AR registered post, what is Certificate of posting, what is normal post and I know exactly how long it takes for those to reach a person and i do know frm the Rules that I need to serve certain documents through certain post and somehow, I still trust the Post Office.

Today, I experienced the first ever ... registered mail collection's tragedy. Well, a friend needs help to get her post from the post office as it's a registered mail and there's no column to be filled for anyone to collect on behalf of her, I thought she should at least make a call to the post office, at least to inform them that she is sending someone to collect. She did gave me the number and so on and asked me to bring along her photocopy of IC. That's on Monday. I was sick yesterday and so I didn't go. I went after lunch today. I went to the Courier service thinking it's a Post Express (a new service by Post office) but they told me, I didn't give them the full number, so I called my dear friend and she told me, it's "R" that I missed out. I told them it's "R" in front and they told me it's registered post and I have to go to the building next to it.

I walked to the building, went up to the first floor... and I found the counter. The person in the counter saw my notes and IC, asked me to wait, then he went and check on the computer and he told me the computer is offline and they cannot do anything. So, I asked him what's my option of getting this post besides coming here to check whether they are online everyday. He asked me to go and see so and so - "D". He told me where I can find him. I followed the instruction, went to a place... and wow... it's the POST OFFICE where postman are sorting out mails. I asked around to find where "D" is and I was asked to go into an office. D claimed that I am looking for him. So, I sat down, explain to him that it's very difficult to get the mail, etc... and which the only respond he gave me was, "jadi"? after EVERY SINGLE SENTENCES I said. To my frustration, I really shouted at him, asked him if he has the heart even wanted to help. He said, "Ya... itu lah saya tanya jadi?". I was wondering for a while, "so, how did it help when you keep asking jadi?" and of course I knew it's wasting my time if he continues to do that, so, I just stand up, looked at him and said, "is this how your attitudes should be when you provide services to your customer"? Again, he answered "I was trying to help. "Jadi?"". I then intervene his saying and asked him 3 times, "do you want to help or not?" He couldn't answer me and while I was shouting for the 3rd times, his supervisor came and asked me how can he help me with. I was furious and asked him what's my option and all and I was led to another room and things was done , I left and I went back to the counter to check if the line is back on. It was... and he checked, he looked for the letter........for 30 minutes... and another person came in, asked what happen, and then from the drawer, he took out the letter and said, ... "You should have come only when I am here" - jokingly. I was furious as you know... but I stayed calm... and smile at him.

Of all occassions, trust me .... all I saw, they were not working.. in fact they were shock to see me, simply .... they were just there, 'lepaking'... and the person who just came in after 30 minutes, just finish lunch... and it was 3:30pm. Can you imagine?

Oh well.... I was told later on that, this is our government. Hello?????? Government, are you there?????? ... is that how you want people to say about you????????? As a lawyer, I wanted so much to defend you, but can you give me some reasons to defend you?

- Post -

Gated Community!

That two words, was in-stored in my mind more deeply then I ever encountered it... since the day we had our Alpha Training some times in September. Well, to be exact, it's from a video clip of Veggieie Tales. It reminds me of course of many times, as a church, we are like a gated community, who just take care of people and things that's in our community and we forget, almost at all time, to open the 'gates' for others to come in and enjoy the fun we have in our community.

Well, ever since I came to this church that I am attending now, I realise there's a group of people, is always living in their gated community and worse still, they even asked their church leaders and/or spiritual leaders to stay away from the 'businesses' they are having. It amazed me of their attitudes. There's another group, which always claims that, their spiritual leaders, has not been doing their pastoral care too.... which, yes... very much conflicting...!!!!

As I was reading this book.... on the Chapter on community, ... I came across this story which I found it funny, true and meaningful and I would like to share with you. Reb is a Rabbi, and he was telling this story... :

"When I was growing up in the Bronx," the Reb said, "everyone knew everyone. Our apartment building was like family. We watched out for one another." "I remember once, as a boy, I was so hungry, and there was a fruit and vegetable truck parked by our building. I tried to bump against it, so an apple would fall into my hands. That way, it wouldn't feel like stealing. " "Suddenly, I heard a voice from above yelling at me in Yiddish, "Albert, it is forbidden!" I jumped. I thought it was God. " Who as it? I asked. "A lady who lived upstairs."

What Reb was trying to say is... "we are part of each other's lives. If someone was about to slip, someone else could catch him."

So as us, as members of our church.... we are our brother's keeper... Will you say a word if you see someone is about to slip? The answer of yes or no.... will determine somehow of what you understand of pastoral care is.... Does pastoral care only should be exercise by a Priest and/or Pastor? How many souls can a priest take care of? So, are you suggesting that a church shall not bigger than 500? It took me a while to ponder over this... and I am convicted that, not until we are ready to go beyond the number you have in mind, God will not give us that number of people on our church.

So, my challenge is, before you demand for pastoral care, can you be one of those who perform? Is that alright if you take care of just 20 of them in your cell group first? It's time..... to open our 'gates' don't you think?

- gated community! -

*quoted Mitch Albom's "have a little faith".

Calling?

I happen to went for a movie yesterday evening at 1Borneo and as we were walking around, we realise, there's a BIG BOX in the center of the shopping mall and it never crossed my mind that it's the World Vision's exhibition, not until I looked at it deeply at one point. I think we passed that BIG BOX for a couple of time and just before we are going up to the cinema, I told them that if there's not many people later after the movie, I will want to check that the BIG BOX out. So, we did....

I was given a set of audio system to listen to and I was being told of the life of Jorthy, from India. The moment I was told it's India, I was a bit shock... India... I always feel that God places India for me as a burden ever since the year of 1998. So, I followed the story of Jorthy... and I walked through places of Jorthy, I saw the place she's staying at, her struggles, her problems, etc. etc... and almost to the end, I was asked, to go to the 'clinic' to get myself checked to see if I am a HIV+ carrier.... which I was being certified as negative (they placed the 'negative sign' on my hand). Of course, there, I was asked if I will just walk away like that, or shall I leave my hand and ask someone who is 'certified' as positive to walk out of that place with me.

As much as someone who has burden for China or Cambodia or anywhere else, God has since 1998, placed India in my heart. I have of course learned about India and how they lives more when I came to know a wonderful India housemate. I thought her the English and Chinese culture and customs and she told me lots about India.

As I was asking God what's my AIM in my last blog, God reminded me on India... Hmm... Am I fully prepare for it, I asked!

- Calling? -

Aim?

I guess I am a bit lost lately.... of what to focus, what to aim for life, what to lives for even..... why is that so? Hmm... I used to be a person who has plan things ahead for myself to achieve. But lately, I guess, I am just running on the same spot ... doesn't want to move anywhere and yet, making myself tired. Hence, I am not moving forward to achieve anything at all. What I want to achieve? Well, that's even more difficult to answer... I simply do not know what I want ... as everybody has something to do, I am staying at home the whole day doing basically, NOTHING!!!! I guess, I am that LOST am I?

- Aim? -

Watch!

It was 7 years ago that my watch 'died' and that forced me to walk around the old Sunway Pyramid just to get myself another watch. The one previously, was given to me by my mother when I was in secondary school and it followed me all the way to university and back. This 7th years old one, was purchased after the previous one 'died' after the shop in SS2, PJ has certified it. Well... on last Saturday, just before a friend arrive to pick me up for a birthday party, the time stopped. It pointed 7:16pm (07.11.2009). Well, I have the practice to put my clock 15 minutes faster then the actual time. So, ... ya... it's 7pm that my watch stopped at. I thought it's the battery, but I doubted it as I have changed its battery a few months back. Unless, of course, I was being cheated and they have replaced an old battery for me instead. But that cannot be.

The next day, I went for checking and there I was told, my watch is 'dead'.

Hmm.... sad.... but that's reality. I told my dad by sms and he replied saying, nowaday, nothing last more than 7 years unless it's OMEGA or ROLEX.... well...

I guess that's true.... because when I went to get a new watch the other day, the shop keeping told me, if I want something last, it won't look fashionable. If I want something fashionable, it won't last. And he also pointed out that almost all the 'fashionable branded' watches are out from the same factory and they are basically just different from their 'look'.... if I want something last, it's expensive and it looks dull and even the shape, they are just round type.

It has reminded me so much of one's outlook of a person/a thing though. I was told, the divorce case I handled earlier on, I under-charged our client as the opponent was charged double of what I charged, even where he didn't manage to get what he asked for in the case and he was trying his very best to make things looks complicated. The price was high because of his firm's name, one of the well known law firm in town. It's not, really not about the changes of winning in the case.

Another instant I encountered of course is someone who has a good title, weathy, claimed to be devoted spiritually and drives a nice car, but has a very bad attitude and character. I was not only shocked, but disappointed to find out all these.

So, when the shop keeper told me of my choices of watch, somehow... the statements strucks me... to find out how 'worldly' people and things can be, in general. Nah, I choose something in between though... as I don't really like the 'process' of buying things... so, I wanna avoid going for watch again for the next 7 years. hahaha...

- watch ! -

Being left behind...

That's the exact feeling I am feeling.... I just don't like it... but it's a fact...!!!

- Being left behind... -

This morning...

I was standing-in a matter for a law firm in Tawau this morning. As it's an estate matter, I didn't bring my robe with me this morning. I went all the way up to where are all the SAR (Senior Assistant Registrar) is and I found the list for my matter this morning. It's really shocking to find out it is before SAR, but in open court. hahahahahaha... I ponder for a while, thinking this must be something wrong or something new. I looked around, saw a lawyer there, and I asked her if there's something can be before SAR in open court. She looked at me, stand up and look at the list and she start laughing.... she said, that must me a mistake made by the interpreter. I wanted to make sure, so I sms the Tawau firm and they laugh too.... of course I got it confirmed later on through the interpreter that, the matter is to be in chamber, not in open court. hahahahaha...

- this morning... -

Who am I?

Since young, I have been known as so and so's daughter, so and so's sister and so and so's niece... and it has been a 'pressure' to me ever since I know that I am being 'known' ... because of the connection I have ... and so, I have always wonder, who can I be if I have no connection with them, i.e., my father, my mother, my brother, my uncles and aunties... hence, the urge of leaving my home town lies on me since the day I entered into secondary school. Trust me, not a single teacher in my primary school doesn't know who I am. I can't be naughty, I can't be showing any attitudes problems and so on. In a way, I am being 'watched' and 'monitored' at all time. That's the kind of pressure I have during my growing up process. Hence, that's the reason why I am trying to avoid being seen, avoid being known, avoid being recognised too.

I remember I used to have this conversation with a friend whom think, it's a privilege to be me... but, not to my opinion... as I really don't think it's a privilege, but it's a pressures. Hmm... if you don't believe me, try ask around if you know who I am... if you don't, mention my dad's name or my brother's name, or my grandparents' name... you will get the 'connection'. hahahaha...

Someone in church tried to be nice this morning to introduce me to a mother and son, and forgetting that, we came from the same town and hehe... yes, we do know each other. I guess... that can't be avoided... huh? Well, many wants to be known ... but for me, I want to be avoided to be known. My rector knows me well... and hence, he never mention my 'connection' with anyone and hence, I love being in this church... but of course, that's something I don't like also... especially I started to be bullied. Hmm... of course, I don't mind them bullying me... but... please do not treat me 'better' after you know who am I really....

Who am I? ... well, I seriously can't run away from being my father's daughter, my brother's sister, my grandparents' granddaughter, my uncles and aunties' niece, can I?

- Who am I? -

Finally...

Finally.... today, the court gave a rulling on one of the trial I had in July. It's the contested divorce case and it's truly a relief for me and my client as we have been discussing and stressing over this matter for the past year. Yes, it's exactly a year now... and finally, the court gave us what we asked/expected of.

No. Don't get me wrong. I don't like divorce cases and one of this is enough to stressed me out. Well, at least, 2 trials' decisions were rulled and ... hmmm... I have learned quite a bit it seems...

There's two more on the way, one which to be fixed on 29th this month and wow... I will be having 3 to 4 trials next year it seems. Hmm...

- Finally... -

Penangah Medical Camp!

"I was driving just behind the car that was lost controlled!" More photos on http://picasaweb.google.com/peisanlin/PenangahMedicalCamp?feat=directlink

It's a medical camp and never in my life that I can imagine that I have that opportunity to be in one of them and this was the 3rd one I joined. All 3 located at different places and I seriously enjoy them so much. This year, I was given a 4WD and I was given a task, to drive 3 pharmacist and 1 volunteer all the way to Telupid on Friday night and to Penangah the next day morning. Driving at night is not a problem but driving to Penangah... I heard so many people telling me the road is a bit tough to drives and it scares me...

Hence, lots of prayer prayed the night before, espcially when the heavy rain poured down non-stop, with thunders and lightenings ... I can tell you, I was trying to make sure I go to bed instead of worrying. Well, the next day starts... I was trying to look around to see if I can find another man to drive the vehicles, but obviously, NO. Hence, I drives the car to Penangah, as early at 6am. I remember teling my passengers that I was seriously a bit worry and scare. They however, have been the most wonderful passengers... as non of them has shown me a bit of fear in them. I guess, they trusted the Lord, not me though. hahahahahaha...

So, yes, we reached there despites the hardship ... and we were almost the last car to leave that place (6pm). By the time we reached Telupid, the Valley of Blessing, I was so exhausted and I went to bed right after shower.

It's a meaningful trip as I believe, if love, joy and peace are the 3 that God is showing to us, we did manage to share a bit with the interior people at Penangah.

- Penangah Medical Camp! -

Changed

People was shock lately to find me no longer react on people who did wrongly with my usual angry mood. I realize it too. Blessed are those who knows me these 5 years. Those who know me for years, you know what I mean. Old friends reaction the same way when they realised I reacted so 'calmly' and 'softly' towards things now a day. All asked the similar qustions, i.e. wow... Who dare to say that to you? Who dare to bully you? who dare to do that to you?

Well, due to my recent 'softness', I think I suffer more accusation, blame and bully then before. Well, as being accuse, blame and bully are the issues I hated most, I think that's why I am facing truly a lot lately. Hmm... Until I can master the best way I think. Well, I don't lose anything by being accused, blame and bullied. But I certainly think the one who do those is losing something in heaven.

Life is short. Let me remind you not to make anymore mistakes in life.

By the way, shall I start 'react' towards them?

Done it and I am alive!

Yes... I did it. I went into the office, confessed 3 times and I didn't get any scolding at all. Instead, I am given to understand that, my client have had consider of letting the case go in any stage now. Well, ... at least this matter is now done and I am to do it again in November to the judge. Hmm...

Well, speaking of court, I called the High Court Tawau this morning, was told by a lady, "M" that there won't be a judge available on next Monday. Hence, my trial will not go on. I have of course not told my client nor any witnesses of mine yet simply because the court has not send me any notice of hearing yet and except knowing that the court won't go on, I know nothing about it yet. I am seriously not happy about it because I think M should tell me earlier and not only inform me when I called her. By flipping the file, M should came to know that I have many witnesses from Kuala Lumpur and I need to book air tickets, hotels and so on. And since M knows it is not going to go on, I think she has the duty to let me know earlier. In additional to that, I am considered as an outstation firm. I will call her again tomorrow morning and make sure she do it tomorrow...

- Done it and I am alive! -

Confess and ask for forgiveness...

I must confess that I am just a human being and therefore, ... I made mistake.... ! Sometimes, the mistake is big and sometimes, it is rather small. What do I mean by big mistake and smal mistake? Hmm... big one take longer time, more efforts and more pain to settle and the small one, it takes only few minutes to few hours, little efforts and less pain to settle. Well, since young, I made mistake, some intentionally and some unintentionally. Some intentional mistake in life would be done something which I know I shouldn't have done it. Unintentional one, of course, more on careless mistakes.

I remember my mother, who was a teacher always told me, I am a very careless person and I MUST re-check my answers everytime I finish answering them. I somehow, always lazy to check and I got careless mistakes made on my examination papers. Well, everyone who taught me in school said the same thing, I am smart, but I am always careless. Hmm...

I guess that character of mine will never goes. Again, I have made a mistake last month and until now, I need to face it. This time, it's a big mistake. I have tried, very hard not to be influence by it until I cannot focus and concentrate on other cases of mine. I did, however, sigh... each time I saw the file on my table. I have been asking my partner whether client has called, etc.

While I was picking up my cousin, her husband and 2 of her friends from airport today, I received a sms from my partner telling me that client has asked me to go and collect the payment we asked for since June 2009. For a few hours, I am bothered... but yet, I wanted to do it... I wanted so much to just go my clients and confess to them and ask them for forgiveness.

I am meeting one of them tomorrow and I really pray now that, he will be able to understand and even though he is angry, I hope he will still ok with my honestly. I don't know whether it's wise to do what I am doing, but I would rather not to lie to them or hide the truth from them, but to tell them the truth. It's not, obviously an easy situation to deal with. I am seriously don't know what will happen... haiz....

Something I must do... anyway... better get it done and dealth with soonest possible.

- cofess and ask for forgiveness -

This is the day!

I remember crying out to God 2 weeks ago, asking Him why is He putting me in this situation. Well, a friend however think I should deal with it... I was of course not very happy about 'dealing' it there and then because I have promised my dear brother that I will NOT deal with things when I am too emotional. Hence, I didn't. Well, I have somehow, managed to cool myself down since then and so, when I am trying to get over with things happen, trying to 'stand up' from the matters I am facing, ... and so, I have managed to deal with certain things.

Today, the day started with smiles and joy... even thought I think the weather outsides doesn't agree with me. hahaha.. well, ... I managed to went out for breakfast, came back, get things done, rest, ... one by one... and now, I am home, preparing myself to visit the Youth Alpha tonight...

I always think the kids and the young people will be able to bring me MORE joy. Hence, I am going to 'use' them tonight... as I am bringing my camera with me to the meeting either... hehe... let's see who will be the star tonight...

It's indeed a joyful day today, simply... because... this is the day that the Lord has made!

- This is the day! -

The Blog

I started to write this blog since the day I was back to Tawau from KL ... 2005. Wow... this blog is in it's 4th year.... amazing... well, it all started as an updates to all my friends in KL... that's how it lasted too. I have read through a few previous years' blog and realise, ... I used to write happy things... but not recently, especially in the year 2009. I wonder what, who and when things like these happen... hmm... could be me... but it could be situation that I am facing too... I started to write about other things then LAW ... and I have started to write about frustration than happiness... why?

- the Blog -

Preparation...!

A topic on giving tithes was discussed earlier on during of my lunch and it kept me thinking... and wondering... of why people has difficulties in giving tithes (10% of what they received) if they have 'extra' money. Well... I am of course thinking on the 'monetary' part. I used to just received a sum of money which is not even cover my monthly expenses and if I still wanna pay my tithes, that's mean, there will be some expenses which will not be cover at all. Those days, not only happen once or twice in my life, but for years... even until today. However, I always pay my tithes without going through the 'calcuation' part first as my parents always remind me to seek ye first the kingdom of God.

People who love investment know this, that even if they do not have a lot each month, when they come into investment, they will pay for it first. I have friends who consider that as 'wise' move. Well, if I put it to tithes, I guess a lots of people will choose to do their investment in shares, in bonds, in properties, insurance and all then tithes. Simply because of the concept of money making money. Giving tithes... the profit will NEVER come.. that's what most of the people think. Instead, investing in other forms of investments, one will get their return and profits double or triple folded in just a few months time.

Hence, our focus never... put on tithes. If the church is asking for tithes, people will said, the church is asking for money.. or charity. But if the insurance company is asking for a premium to be paid, even more than 10% of what we received, we never ask 'why' and being hesitate on it. We just give. For those who are more weathy... I just do not understand why is that so difficult to pay the tithes. Well, may be I never was in a stage where I am weathy enough to understand... but, if I can pay my tithes even if I do not have enough to eat... what's the problem with those who have extra?

I do not come from a weathy family. Most of our saving came from the hard work of my mother, who planted all the vegetables and cook cakes and food at home. Except Sunday, after church, we never eat our meals outside the house. From sugar with rice to nice roast pork and chicken, we usually have it at home. Well... with low education qualification at my parent's generation, we somehow survives... WELL. When I first started to work, I remember what my mother told me, that even though we struggle of what to eat sometimes, but she never needs to even allocate tithes out from her pocket because she always give more than 10%. So she said, God is faithful and He will bless. Well... and she continue saying, not only He bless us now in this fallen world, but we have invested in His kingdom too, a place where we know, is permanent.

Well, ... so, can someone tell me, if we can survive all these while, why can't you if you have the extra income in your pocket? Why is that so difficult to give? Are we not suppose to prepare ourselves for the FUTURE? Or have you not know what's your future?

- Preparation ... ! -

Rare occasions....

It's not a very usual appointment made on Thursday ... with a chartered accountant in Tawau. Simply because I need his help with the bundle of documents I received few months back. Why the sudden? Well, simply because I have the hope that we will settle this matter outside the court without dragging in to the Court trial in October. However, due to some reason, which I think I can only blame my opponent for it, I HAVE to proceed this case. Hence, I have to set aside all my other cases and come to Tawau this morning to see a chartered accountant. He is nice enough to go through every detaisl with me and has also agreed to assist me if I need his help. Well, what can I say? I really thank God for him....

Well, of course, I am worry now that, he won't be around if the court postpone this case again. Including him, I have a total of 4 witnesses and I am now thinking of some tactics not to get my opponent to win this case. Did I become more canning compare when I first conducted trial? Well, I guess I am....

My heart has never feel peace ever since I fixed the appointment to see him today. I am sure it has nothing to do with him... but.. of the schedules and stuffs that I need to handle... well, to put it right.. my parents is not around in Tawau. Meaning.... first, I have to get myself down from the airport by taxi..., then, I won't know what time I will finish with the accountant and what I should do after that... well, a little prayer was made this morning before the flight take off... truely, God is faithful... everything went so smoothly ... that I manage to chit chat with my friends in church during their lunch time...(of course everyone asked the same questions: "why are you back when your parents are away?") and went for lunch with a friend, then, went to the Court to get some documents, and serve that document to the relevant party, then met up with my cousin and her husband who came back from Hong Kong to see her dad who just had a surgery... then now, manage to get into the house, took my shower... and waiting for someone to pick me up to send me to airport... (thanks to MAS who always delay their flights ... )

I guess... compare to my dear car, little blue who has been waiting for me at the airport at Kota Kinabalu, ... I am better. hehehehe...

- rare occasions -

Lawyer or Liar?

Many said all lawyers are liar... well, I am not sure if that is true.. but I can tell you, I am 'bluffing' through this submission. Even my boss has commented to my client 10 minutes ago that, he is impressed with my work and I told him earlier on, after the trial that due to the mistake my witnesses did, I have nothing to write about.. and yet, I have given him a piece of work with 15 pages today ... I guess he is convinced that, I am a "bluffer"...

Well, ... am I proud to be able to bluff? Errrr... I don't think I have the sense of satisfaction... but instead... GUILT! hahahaha..

- lawyer or liar? -

Signs of aging...

First.... it's the memory loss that I encounter for the past 1 year.. which has gone serious each day... and so, it gave me a shock when I realise I have missed a court day.

Secondly... I realised I have problem with my glasses recently and so, I went for eyes test (twice) today... and I realised that, the power has decreased.

Thirdly, ... my white hair is growing so fast that I think I need to do something about it soon...

Oh no... I am getting OLD!!!

- signs of aging -

Is there more to life than this?

I was pondering over this phrase for a few weeks now... and everywhere I go, this phrase seems to be 'speaking' to me... well, glad that I wasn't in the Diocesan Young Adult Camp at Awana Genting, otherwise, I am sure I will be hearing that phrase over and over and over again....

Well, first, it's the Alpha training that this phrase seems to be the tactline for Alpha... and by hearing it the first time 2 weeks ago, I did ponder over it for a little while... as to trying to reflect it upon my own life. Well, sad to say, (i guess everybody knows by now) that I don't really like my life ever since young. I just hate myself so much that I don't really like myself... and of course the difficult part of it is that... I somehow born in a family where EVERYBODY in Tawau would have the chance to know who am I. Well, so much so that I don't like myself... God somehow play a joke with me, huh? Well... at least He tried very hard to first get me to know Him... and later tried His very best to laid a very good foundation on me ... by His own words alone... and later, has tried very hard to teach me lessons by lessons... well, I guess, that doesn't change my thoughts to have wanted to go to Him faster than anyone else. Yes... sad to say, I have nothing, nothing in particular that I will miss the World...

ALL OF MY LIFE, I have dislike my life... and the life that I am going through... Hard at it is.. people thought I am just strong and independent and that's the impression I give everybody at least... well... I wonder now, is there more to life than this? ALL THESE?

ALL OF MY LIFE, I have always been an unhappy child... not knowing the reason why. My parents thought I grow up feeling unhappy every single day too... and that my dad started to try his very best to make sure I become a little bit more happy one day... so, he bought me this reminder to put on the table.. says: ".. have joy everyday". Hmm... I guess, I am just an unhappy child... huh?

ALL OF MY LIFE, I have never know what I like to do and not to do. When people said, let's go for squash, I go for squash. When people said, we go to camp, I go to camp. People said, let's go to church, I too, go to church... I just basically a soul and body that follows everybody's instruction. What will make me happy? Do I like ice-cream or chocolate more? Do I really like lego or is it because my brother likes it and so I like it? Do I really like law? Do I really like blue? Do I really hate shopping? Do I really like to watch TV? I have learned drawing for 9 years and I have possessed a skill, to many, well done... but do I really like to draw? How about playing piano? I started to play the piano since I was 5... Do I like it? I HAVE NO IDEA!!!!

ALL OF MY LIFE, I have been going to church.... and too, I became a leader of a fellowship since the age of 12 and since then, I never stop serving as a cell leader/supervisor... and I too joined the children choir when i was at the age of 8 and I start singing since then.. went through all the courses and trainings until the age of 18. Is that all I have in life?

I happen to following the youth to Doulos for a sessions. No. Not that I didn't feel ashame to be with them... but I just want to get out from MYSELF and be with the youth to find out ... if I have missed out something during my youth time... hahaha... obviously NO. hahaha... well, somehow, the phrase "Is there more to life than this?" has again stands out the whole night.. and it keeps me ponder again... so, Pei San... is there more to life than being a Lawyer? Is there more to life than being a bass guitarist? Is there more to life than being so and so's daughter and sister? Is there more to life than earning money? Is there more to life than becoming a cell leader? What's that I am lack of and thirst for?

I guess... I really do not want to be 'slaves' anymore... Well, only if the door is to open.. then I will Jump over... I promise... I guess that's what I really like... "Mission"!

- is there more to life than this? -

Just when...

Just when I thought I will have a good break and rest on the long weekend... all I got was restless and sleepless nights... I bought a pillow cost about RM145 thinking that it will work, but NO... it gave pain to my back and neck and I just have to wake up in the middle of the night and change to another pillow... well, thank God I have 4 different pillows in my room which is just within my grab... but as many of you know me, I won't be able to wake up once I was woken up.

The other nights... or rather MORNING.., I was woken up by this noisy 'elephant legs and hands' upstairs.... No wonder why my 'lovely' neighbour has to move something in the middle of the nights or in the morning again. Perhaps, she has this habits to keep changing her room deco. every 5 hours? Well.... lets not blame her or anyone... it's probably just me... who cannot be satisfied to be at home resting... like CL said, "qian miang". With that phrase, I am reminded that, things will be better when I have works to do... and yes... it's working day today...

- just when ... -

Fact!!

Fact is.... no one really has the responsibility over me... so, yes... like what my Zimbabwe's friend always said, "life goes on.. have a excited on"... I just suddenly feel so ... 'quiet' around and feeling 'scary'... too lonely huh? Ya.... so, the 'noise' has gone... forever I believe... [will be alright getting back to the 'Original']

- Fact! -

I think...

I think... After a few days of 'stonening'... I think I really don't really like myself and the 'current' me... Is there a 'skip' card that I can use?

- I think -

Professions v. Missionary

Just when my thought ponder over the subject title herein.... this came to mind:

"Anyone can become a lawyer, but not everyone can be a missionary."

What do you think?

- professions v. Missionary -

Is it time?

I guess... I have been trying very hard and very hard and very hard.... in my work, to make sure that I am doing a good work and feel satisfied with it. No doubt, I did feel satisfied in certain point, but most of the time, somehow, I did a very bad job in my work. Yes. I feel dissatisfied with my work performance lately. No matter how hard I tried, I never get to a point where I will feel satisfied. Some people tells me even if work is terrible sometimes, but if we receive good income, it's still bearable... well, I must agree that... as income can balance up the 'minus' issues at work. In my situation, things would be a bit different as I didn't get both. I hate it most when my client refuses to pay or rather give lots of excuses of not to pay me at the prescribed time...

In addition to that, I gets difficult clients and I just hate them when they shown disrespect towards me, not listening to me, and later blame me for mistake they made and ask me to solve their so called 'mistake'. Well...

I just hate my job lately... put it this way... hate it so much so that I sometimes, refuse to even come to work.

Well... a friend told me, may be it's time to think and pray ... may be something that you really like to do and it's not law professions... May be she is right... since I give myself 5 years in practice.... and never has pledged to be in this professions for the rest of my life. Is it time?

- Is it time? -

That's how it happen...

I always wonder how lawyers can forget about attending Court if they have put down the date properly in their diary. Well, of course I stop wondering years ago when it ALMOST happen to me when my firm's court clerk has failed to put one of the date correctly in the MAIN diary. Today, however... I experienced it myself.... I was asking my partner if my client (who happens to be her dad's friend) has ever contacted her about paying my fees which I billed since June 2009. She replied said she did and she also explained to the client about possible cost needed if we bring the matter to the High Court. The conversation went to she heard that our Summary Judgment was being dismissed and when she mentioned that, my mind suddenly remember the rulling date was some time in September. I open the file, checked my last record of Court Attendance and there, I found... the rulling date was 4th September 2009, almost.. 2 weeks ago. I couldn't even remember what kept me so occupied then that I totally forgot about attending court on the 4th September 2009. I remember talking to my partner about it one or two days before the hearing date and I can forgot completely about it until TODAY?

It amazed me... I mean... my mind... or rather.. memory... Now.... I have to find out what happen on the 4th. Did the Judge delivered the judgment without my presence or did she thrown out my case? I hope she didn't thrown out my case....

Who is at fault on all these? ME of course... for not entering the date into my itouch/phone (my diary). ARRRRRGGGGG.... !!!! I am now reminded... to put every single date on my diary... now, I am checking every files now...

Meanwhile, I am trying to get the court interpreter to ask her what happen on the 4th. My opponent... of course she is trying to be nasty in it. Not that she didnt' inform me, she is waiting for me to forget about the case and so that I will miss out the appeal date. How nasty... !!!!

Well...

Yiks...

- that's how it happen -

Yet, another challenge...

No matter how much I dislike being challenge... somehow, I feel challenged again. Trust me, this is the first time I feel like I don't want to care anymore even though it's a challenge relates to life and death.

After sharing this with a friend, he of course 'challenge' me again saying... do it. Seriously... my heart is willing but i think emotionally and physically, I don't think I can... so much so, I think due to the tiredness of my emotions and physics.... I am attack by the one... the evil one... !!!! Interesting... it's so good that I didn't notice it and it's tactics for the past few weeks until now...

Nope. Not that it uses the 'energy' tactic, but also using the 'God's people's' tactic.... I feel so discouraged by my own church in all my serving..............

I guess the challenge now is... whether I will be able to stand up firm and continue to finish this 'fight'....

- yet, another challenge -

Challenge....

I cannot remember when was it .... that I started to feel .... 'weak' when it comes to challenge given to me.......... when was it that I was being 'defeated'? Hmm... I wonder if it is the problem with the case, with the client, myself or all of the above. ... May be it's all of the above. I just hate this case that's set for trial tomorrow... it's suppoes to be in March 2009 but the case was dragged on all the way to September. I couldn't resist but to ask for another deposit from client and the client asked me what is that for. Well, I told him, to asked us for extra hours and works, unncessarily, we charge MORE. I guess his secretary doesn't understand what I meant when I told her it's just deposit... not the exact amount YET. I must tell her the fact that just the disbursement incurred since March 2009, it's amounted to RM3,000.00. If thing goes well, I think there will be another 1 or 2 times to the Court after tomorrow.

This deposit... should reminded him that we are not his worker... he needs to pay us when he asked for meeting and so on.... not only one lawyer involved especially... sometimes, 2.

Well... I hope tomorrow goes well seriously... and guess what? the most ridiculous thing is... I am terrified to question by client more than the opponent's witnesses. Can you believe that? Pray for me, would you. If I can finish by 11am, I can go home by 12pm... otherwise, I will have to stuck there in Labuan until 8pm. I don't mind if I am there with my cousin... but no.. not with client........

- challenge -

The Price...

The price of being too close to some friends will cause you: -

(a) being treated without respect;

(b) being scolded and/or shouted without understand why only they can shout at you but not the other way round;

(c) being hit and when you asked them to stop, they refuses;

(d) insensitive to your emotions status;

(e) being disregarded;

(f) not being respected, i.e. they just ask you to follow their plans without asking you if you want to;

(g) etc. etc. etc.

I was not very happy with things in life for the past 2 weeks and last week, I was completely down with bad mood... and unhappiness... the only way to ease my pain was to watch TV... thanks to TVB which has their 4 final episods of one of the series in 2 days and as I missed some of the previous episods, I just starred at the TV for hours and hours and hours...., firstly, hoping that it will make me tired and I can go to bed... secondly, hoping that my brain will stop thinking of things I do not want to think about for a while.... none... none of those 2 things works... I ended up having sleepless nights still.....

Well? In addition to that, I was seriously drained out completely on weekend with all the church programmes and all and with people whom I don't feel like going out with... ghoosh.. I am even more down yesterday and today.... hahahahaha...

Time to deal with it? Yeah.. why not? If I am capable of, I would have done so long long time ago. Self pity? Well... up to you to define... I just need a peace of mind for a little while............but is this possible to happen this week? I don't think so...... as this week is super pack.

The price of being too 'joyous' and/or too 'it's ok mood'... caused me to lose myself for few weeks...

- the price -

Dream!

I remember stepped into a ship full of books the first time when I was very young... I think about 5 years old. Not to Doulos, but Logos. Yes, you got me right, it's the LOGOS, not Logos II. Dad and mom gave us the freedom to choose whatever books we want and we just grab what we feel like having (we still have it until today... but mostly, given to my nephew and niece now). That was the first memory I have with ship full of books... (Tawau has not much resources of books then).

Of course, Logos serves on other places after that and Doulos is serving around Asia and so, instead of Logos and Logos II, I visited Doulos a couple of times before today. If my memory serves me well, I visited Doulos at least 3 times since I came back from England.

I remember when I was in my teen, I was so impressed by the way they share gospel and how they serves people through their services and sharing every places they stopped at. My dream, was to be able to serve on the ship for at least 6 months. I think since then, God has placed 'evangelism' in my heart.. yes... it's through Logos and Doulos that this 'dream' was created.

Now that Doulos is finishing it's seaworthiness... my dream somehow still stays... in fact, I am reminded... of the 'calling' I have through and from it.

Is this a dream that I cannot never fulfill? Will it be Doulos II? I really pray this ministry will continue.... are you?

p/s picture taken from http://www.mvdoulos.org/

- Dream! -

Sandakan trip!

It's merdeka day today. I used not to have anything special on merdeka day and I have never really join any celebration ever since I left school.

This year, with some close friends around, I agreed with their proposal to visit Sandakan. Sandakan is not new place to me as I travelled to this place many times in the past, for unaccountable camps (diocesan youth camp, Girls' Brigade, etc) and visiting my relatives.

However, I have not been to this place for years now. We booked our hotel, Sabah hotel with the special government rate and we are so blessed to have a friendin Sandakan to bring us around in visiting places and having all the local delicacies.

Overall, it's a wonderful 2 days holiday. However, I am now exhausted and am going to bed before 9pm...

It's a wonderful trip...

- Sandalsn trip!-

Whose job?

Sometime... I wonder... how are we going to distinguish so clearly whose work and job is this.... some people just know how to escape from their duty... and some, just love to pin point others to do works but not knowing that it's their own job. Well, don't get me wrong... not that I am UNWILLING to do or help... I am just feeling that people are taking me for granted.

Somehow, because I took the initiative... when people wanna scold... I always get to be scolded... So, i am seriously not feeling encouraged to move on... or rather... I don't feel like moving on... from what I am doing... or started.

NON-appreciation is the only word I can come out with for the time being.. seriously... first, it's not suppose to be my job, secondly... I just cannot bear with it anymore... when I am not being supported.... May be I shouldn't compare with other church... but somehow, I did this morning... when I came to know that all these works... is and was done by their administrator... and co-ordination is so much easier... and yet.. who am I? I am a lawyer, worked at this law firm and yet, I am doing somebody's job .... who is not without my jobscope... as a lawyer. MOREOVER... people are not appreciating it and I am not getting a full support... although I must mention that I do have a full support from a very diligent Pastor ... but besides that... ???? Ghoosh...

Well, I am not trying to be calculative...but I too have my own FULL TIME job here... and I am trying to do my best... So, a bit of 'pat on the shoulder' is needed sometimes... to keep me going... simply because I am too, a human being.

Nah... Of course I know and remember that, whatever I do, I am doing it for the Lord.... !!! (just like making sure every burger I made is to be perfect) I thank God for encouraging me when I need one... !!!

Well... before you call me 'unwilling'... may be you should think if you are willing to do the job I bear in my shoulder before me taking it up. If you are not, stop commenting that I am unwilling... the parable in the bible is what I remember... when Jesus used to talk about faithfullness.. and obedient. If you do not know which one.. oh my.... time to read your bible... !!!! hahaha....

- whose job? -

Technology Court

I don't know how thing works... but somehow, I got a case in Sandakan on Tuesday, a case in Tawau on Wednesday and a case in Kota Kinabalu on Thursday this week.... Thanks to my colleague who is willing to help me with the case at Kota Kinabalu today... and really appreciate the court througout Sabah which has what we call the Technology Court.

With the Technology Court ("TC"), what I need to do is only to send in an application form to the Court and apply for it say about a week before the hearing day and I do not need to fly all the way to Sandakan and come back on the same day... and not knowing what to do in between court and my flight... I just took about 15 minutes in the TC... and I was connected to the Court in Sandakan and I got my application heard. Nice!

Somehow, this system is only in Sabah and Sarawak and not in any other States in Malaysia. And we heard rumous said, the Malaya is trying to implement something else for this TC to go on. Seriously, I think they should learn from us... the system is running very well. It was my first time, but I heard from a senior lawyer that he always uses the service and so far, no problem encountered as yet. Seriously. I am impressed.

- Technology Court -

A day trip...

It was a last minute decision to follow a group from Korea for the SOMA mission trip to an interior village. It was my first time visiting villages belongs to people of Rungus. It's great fun...even though it's a very tiring trip.

- a day trip -