Planned ahead...

It's amazing how things turned out ... I received a phone call earlier August about teaching law part time at this college and at that moment, I was thinking of getting some extra income to pay off some debts that has been incurred since I enter into this profession. I was therefore preparing all the notes, preparing myself, etc... to start teaching in October. When it started, the issue of me changing firm, etc. also came along and that within a month time, I changed firm. In this new firm, I don't receive salary. I only collect 50% of what I do and of course, 50% is good enough as another 50% will be allocated for office usage including payment of wages to the staffs, office running expenses, etc. However, I will have to expect that I won't get much 'income' for the first few months as I have just started to work on my files on the very prelimenary stage.

This month is tough but God has been a good planner and blessing. Due the part time teaching, at least, I manage to have some income to support my daily living. This whole situation has just reminded me that, God can see things far ahead of me. I don't know what's in my future, but God does. I guess the only thing He asked me to do is to trust and obey and He will arrange the rest for me.

Hmm... isn't He the BEST?

- planned ahead -

Bad of me...

I guess.. after the last conversation with mom 2 weeks ago, I didn't manage to call back. Of course, due to the last conversation, I got my parents to worried about me badly. The only thing I remember saying was that I am quite frustrated with works and situation arounds me and that I feel like quitting. Of course, as usual, they did said something not very positive to me, as if I am the one who wanted to be lawyer in the first place, etc. etc. I remember after I failed my CLP the first time, they actually urged me not to continue, and in fact, they urged to look for job instead. Of course, my first job was fun... but I still take the CLP again the next year. After I got my CLP, I was in the midst of deciding if I should quit the company and go for practice. Some of you do remember that I have to let go of my good paid salary and went for a RM1000 pupillege for 8 months... and later an additional 3 months in Sabah. It's not a very encouraging moment I had... someone, I got through all ... and still surviving today.

However, despite all these, now that I am telling the whole world that I am frustrated with works and wish to change professions, of course most of you will think that I am crazy. I too think it's not a very sensible thinking. What's gone wrong in my mind?

Anyway, since the last conversation with my parents 2 weeks ago, I didn't call home, simply because I know I don't like to hear what they are going to say and I do not want to argue with them at the end. I guess, somehow, I got them worried about me (trust me, this rarely happen). Due to that, my dad sms me at about 2pm today, checking if I am doing fine. I sms him back saying I am fine, just that I am a bit busy. He replied asking me to take care.

Well, it proved a friend's sharing yesterday about even though parents angry at you at time and not really happy with the decision you made, still after a while, they will be able to accept it as they do love us.

Seriously, along the whole journey to become lawyer, I shall say... most of my encouragement comes from myself and the Lord instead of my parents and brother. Don't get me wrong. I am not saying they are not supportive at all. They do and in fact, I really thank them for all that they did. But I guess, in terms of encouragement I got, it seldoms comes from them. Eeerr... may be they don't express it ONLY. hahaha...

Anyway... it's really bad of me.. of making my parents worried about me today!!!!

************************************

By the way, Congratulation to Flora and Desmond on your wedding. I know I know... I promised to be there for like a year ago and you have sincerely invited me. So sorry.... last minute, I just couldn't go away. So many things around and with change of new firm, etc... My apologise!!! I promise, your next trip to KK, it's ALL on me.

- bad -

Timing...

Timing 1: Just this month, I received 4 wedding invitations. Ghoosh... I thought I missed one very important one this month in Tawau, but ... I still get another 4 in KK. It's amazing...!!! I can TRY my very best not to attend 2. But there are 2 which I don't think I can say 'NO' to. Hai... anyway....

Timing 2: For those of you who do CARE about my ankle's condition.... I did went to see doctor today but unfortunately, the doctor was too busy to 'entertain' me. hahaha... I promise I will go again.

Timing 3: As I grew up in church and familiar with ministries... and seldom say NO to anyone who asked me for help, I guess people take it for granted... they expect me to have a higher level of committment then anyone else. Not that I am always free at all time to help them, but because I do set aside time for God. Sadly, some of course, take things for granted and always put other things as their priority and always uses their 'extra' time to serve the Lord. Whenever such situation exist, I'll always be there to help. At least I will try to set aside other things in my schedules to give way to it. Therefore, people start thinking that I am ALWAYS available. I am seriously very tired and as I am still not used to the new environment at my workplace, I guess people just didn't realise what I am going through... and I pulled myself so hard till not only my physical body, but also my mind and emotions are almost to the maximum. I am seriously exhausted. Not in His service, but ... on things coming on my way. All I asked is a week of rest and nothing else but I received a phone call this evening while I was still outside, telling me that no one is WILLING to be on duty this week. I wanted to blame on the bad management and bad leadership at first, but after a while, I just can't be bother. I asked myself, shall I give in or shall I not. But this time, I really cannot because I do have something on tomorrow evening (practice time). I am just wondering... why people can 'sacrifice' me at all time but not others? Why others can say 'no' to His service but not me? Can I say 'no' for once? Please...

(anyway, I am not blaming anyone here... I am just in a very bad stage at the moment. Better don't disturb me so much, thought I can still joke and smile and being crazy).

- timing -

Sleepless nights...

No No No... it's not the coffee. Don't blame it. It's something else... I suspect it's the weather. I was sweating everytime I woke up. Not bad dreams either as you all do know that I only dream occasionally. Something bothering me? Hmm... I am seriously not very sure about that. But if it is, I will feel pain in my heart as I always experienced. However, no such sign exist as yet. Seriously... I am not so sure what's going on here. No no no... don't get me wrong... it's not because I was trying to figure out this and that caused me to have sleepless nights... !!!

A friend kind of FORCE me to go for a holiday after knowing that I have not have any break since my visit to Europe about 9 years ago. Of course I don't consider my visit to Mauritius as holiday as it's a mission trip, though I love that place. Speaking of that... that's my second home... hmm... may be I should consider going there this Christmas, at least... just to my French improved? hahaha... ok ok ok.. stop the crap!!!

Yawn... feel like going home now... but I have to go back to the hospital to get a Will signed. Errg... and tomorrow morning have court matter.

- sleepless nights -

...

When I am speechless , I will normally put "..." as a sign, either in my SMS or MSN.

Some of you of course remember receiving it. hahaha...

Today's blog..... I refer to April 27, 2006 blog.

- ... -

p/s: I know the reason why my ankle was so painful last night.

Rainy day today... whole day!!!!

Time to act?

It was about 15 years ago while I was helping with the Diocese Children camp, I sprained my ankle during one of the midnight after helping a child with something. I didn't have any medicine with me then and I didn't take necessary step of it. Few days later, it was ok and I was running around having no problem. About 2 years later, during one of the morning when I woke up, I couldn't walk and my mom brought me to see doctor. Doctor confirmed that it cannot be cure unless I go through an operation to remove the 'extra' bone which has grew since the first sprained. Well, as I felt fine after some medications, I disregarded the matter. Thereafter, I only feel painful during rainy days... and I have no problem during my time in England.

When I first came back, this ankle has killed me terribly since then... I broke my ankle about 3 times withint 2 months and I was being given a metal to hold and control the movement of my ankle. I guess it was that 3 incidents that caused my ankle to feel even worse.

I am not sure the main cause of it. May be I have disregarded it for too long... and that I feel the pain more often these days. At this very moment, even without moving and/or walking, I feel so painful and almost cannot tolerant.

I guess... these few years... this ankle has caused me much problem. At least, I have to answer every single time when people asked why am I not wearing any high heels shoes. I guess, in a way, I am scare I will hurt it again and another, it's painful. Ghoosh.....!!!!

Seriously... may be it's time to go for x-ray and go for operation. May be it has gone worse. I am seriously feeling the pain now while I am sitting here doing some typing. Ghoosh...!!!

- time to act? -

What happen ?

Seriously.... I wonder what happen to me.... I pulled myself out from the bed this morning and I was so so so so reluctant to come to office. Not that I do not have works to do, but I am really so reluctant... and I am calculating how many hours left before I can leave this place. Not that this room is not nice, not that this office is boring, but I am just feeling... I don't know what word is more appropriate...anyway...., I want to get out from this place... that's the feeling!!!!!

May be... Just may be... I need a break?

I once thought that I am still ok if you give me lots of court matters, etc... but I really don't think so now as I have no excitement gained over tons of works laid in front of me now... what is that to do with me? Am I still not used to new environment yet? Hmm....

I really feel like getting out from this place to be honest...

- what happen? -

Confirmation?

I almost forgot the feeling I had years ago when God first spoke to me, and/or when God called me, and/or when God asked me to wait.... etc. Well, I cannot deny the fact that God did called me for something which I always thought, it is IMPOSSIBLE. My answer is IMPOSSIBLE because I made a conclusion with my own 'limited' understanding, which I didn't aware of at that point of time. However, that kind of feeling went past my brain cell, mind and understanding a month plus ago during a weekend on 2 occassions... and the most suprising moment was that, without me telling anyone, a stranger walked to me (imagine, there's about 300 to 500 people there at that moment) and asked if she can pray for me. As she prayed, with every single words she spoke, my just felt that I am so tiny and small and that I have disobeyed Him and His command. I felt that although I have tried my very best to serve Him now, I am still disobeying His command. The feeling of sinfulness was there... and to be exact, it IS still here. "Did try to ignore Him and His command? " has ever since that moment, flash across my mind over and over for a million times a day. Until the very day I decided to left my firm and join another firm and until today (this is second week of my joining), I still feel 'empty' ...

I went back to Tawau, not to search for answer of course, but for a case hearing. During the hearing and even after the hearing, I was feeling I am a failure of all things... and I started to have the feeling that I won't be a good lawyer because I have disobey Him in the first place. During the hearing while I was trying to 'argue' to win the case over, for a moment, I really wonder why I was there in the first place. After the hearing, I felt very upset over my own attitudes.

This morning, I woke up by heavy loads of works in the office and I woke myself up just because I have works to do. This is my second week, the issue of whether I have income for this month has left me, not because I get it sorted, it's because I am too busy with other issues and that I has ignored this issue (may be that's good for the time being). However, I was given more works to do and was being told that I will have more and more works coming in. A trial is on the way another trial is coming... and my own cases are moving, etc.etc. Ghoosh.... but is that what I am searching for in life? I don't find them 'interesting' or 'fulfilling'. I am not sure if it's 'normal' to feel 'meaningless' on a job/work. All over a sudden, I ponder over the issue of "the meaning of life" and that has drew me to think of Alpha course and ... there it goes... we have Alpha course tonight... and I need to start scratching my head for songs, for games, etc. etc.... and I also need to prepare my heart for it.... So, is that mean, I have put my work in the first priority?

Oh well.... I need a confirmation, from the Lord .... about some issues... and I am spending more time with God then anything else... and I am seriously praying hard for myself. Ghoosh....!!!!

- confirmation -

Loss!!!

I am in this new office on the first week and I am not feeling comfortable at all.... I am still not sure of the cause of it... but I really cannot wait for a break. May be I am stressful and/or may be I am really need time to get used to new office. hai... after all.... I am miserable still.

This morning, I went to meet a dear 'mother'. I call her mother because she has always been encouraging and always good in her advice. I went to deliever a DVD to her actually and ended up, we chat for a while and she did encouraged me a lot in my ministries and/or works and/or life. I really thank God for her. She teaches me music, she teaches me piano, singing, etc.etc. Of course she was shock this morning when I told her I am playing BASS these days... hahahaha.. I guess she has never thought I will play bass... obviously, that has made me think that I have truely changed a lot over the years.... hai... sometimes, I wonder if it is a good or bad... may be I like to be who I was.... it's really sad...

Well, ... I really am loss....

- loss -

Hmm.... satisfied?

I am seriously not very satisfied with life lately... due to the change of firm. I am not sure if it is the work specification or is it because of my heart. I doesn't like to be in the office and doing drafting, meeting clients, getting businesses anymore. I don't like chasing after all these thing... I am not so sure if it is because I am too tired with works or what...may be going for a break will change all these? I don't know. I am PRESSURED. I am lost... in a way...!!! The happiest thing I get now a day is a time to be in church, with my church members, serving the Lord even thought I don't get any pay from it. ... what happen to me???????

I really don't know.... but I really can't wait to go mission.... to England for a year... or anywhere else for mission.....

Now I am praying really hard that the revenue/profit I earned in my old firm will be able to pay up 70% of my debts.... and then... I shall have no worries to do what I need to do.... (some of you know what I mean... please pray for me, ok? )

- not satisfied -

New Start... New Chapter...

The feeling I have today is a bit weird and funny. Firstly, I am working and seeing different people then those I used to seen and meet. I travel through another road to another building. I do not need to travel all the way to somewhere near the airport anymore. I don't have sounds made by the airplanes and I do less travelling now a day.

It's also weird feeling because after so long of a time, I only have the feeling of "I am a lawyer" today. Since yesterday, I was panic with the case hearing this morning and I realise I have failed to serve a document to a special body and that has caused me prepare myself to be scolded. However, I was... but I also got what I was asking for. So, it's a lesson.... Well, after I came back from court and breakfast, I was stuck in my office and doing lots of research and drafting and faxing and filing... and wow... I once again being 'revived'. hahahaha....

Well, still... I am worry about this month's income though I thank God for giving me part time teaching months before hand. He has certainly done something for me... even before I know it. So, yes... I shouldn't worry, should I? God will provide somehow.

Well, pray for me... this job and profession is getting tougher and tougher... I don't think I am 'fit' for it... if it is not because of Him.

- new start, new chapter -