Compatibility

Over the past few years, on many occasions, I ended up asking the question of whether it is my problem that friends left me, unable to cope with partners and people.  Most of the time, I think it's my problem.  No doubt, I contributed half if not all of it to all these broken 'relationship'.  When I signed up for a mission trip last year, the greatest fear in me was not about how to cope with the mission works, but if I am able to cope with the people I need to work with.  I am glad I met a bunch of people who have one similar object/aim as me - focus on God, serve God, reach out to others and love God and people.  It'd been a while since I last gather with people like this.  I will say, it's probably I have never seen these group of people ever since I came back to Sabah.  When we manage to co-operate to get things sorted every day and at the same time, minister to each other, communicate with each other and pray for each other, I thought that should last forever. 

After a few nights of sharing and all with people that understand more of my situation, I soon realised my so-called 'relationship' problem only happens in Sabah and that's because we are of different level.  No.  I am not saying that my level is so high up that no one is able to reach.  I am also not saying because I had my tertiary education in England in full and that's I am on a higher class or level.  No.  I am not.  In fact, there are people who studied in England and lives in England for 20 years and still not at the same level as me. The thing is, there are many things that sum up this issue of 'level'. 

It could be family background, education background, education level, attitudes and characters of the person, and even religious background or where you grow up at.  Not everyone is of the same level, even though we could be having the same education or in the same professions.  After I suffered major depression some 10 years ago, I tend to be very cautious about getting around with people that I am compatible with.  I will still be able to get along happily with people that are of different level, but I am unable to be with certain people who are selfish, greedy and insensitive of other's feeling.  I get annoyed when they always think they are right, or agitated me with their characters and attitudes. Yes.  I get more sensitive these days and I don't mind they left me too, to be honest. 

Over the past year, my only prayer is that God will show me what He wants me to do next and that I am not doing it alone. God has been good to send a few people into my life, who somehow acknowledged that they are not my friends, but my special friends. Some who spent time trying to understand my situation and to analyse things with me, etc. Some knew my weaknesses and still stick around, some just pray, some just sent comforts words now and then, some sent flowers and gifts or even just greetings from time to time.  It's these people that I realise, (a) I am in a wrong place (b) I am in a wrong church (c) I need a life (d) I need to do something for myself after doing things for other for so many years now (e) It's time to step out and moves on because I am not dying as yet. 

I am thankful to have found some people who are compatible with my thinking. It's so not easy to find one these days.  I am very much reminded of who I am, why am I doing what I am doing now, why did I come back, what God says, what choice do I have, can i make those choices, etc. I am glad i am being forced to think instead of pushing it to the side and let things sink in as the day goes by. 

Over the years, it's always about doing things for others.  It is now time doing things for myself.  What's next? (a)  Transfer Bar to UK  - in progress (I tried for the past 8 years and our Sabah Bar wasn't being recognised and I only got 1 year in Malaysian Bar, so....) ; (b)  Finish the Arbitration Course (2/4 to go); and (c)  finished the Research Proposal by September and start making applications to LSE and other Universities for PhD and pray hard that Fund is available so I do not have to let go of my condo and firm now.  What's my back up in case I failed to get what I want? I can always come back to Malaysia to work or continue to be Solicitor in the UK.  I guess... Or Solicitors in other places since Solicitors in the UK is acceptable everywhere in the world. 

Praying very hard that all these are sorted by next year before the next mission trip in April 2020, so I can start sorting more things out by next year (by next year, I will be in the 15th years of practice, which I told God it will be the maximum years I am practising law).  I remember too, that I told God that I will stop practising if one of my matter is going to Federal Court, which it just happened.  So, I guess it is confirmed that I am leaving this practice soon (I know my mom is going to nag and worry and all.. but ya, whatever. hahaha.. )

If it is not now, I don't know when.  Seriously.  I could be much older compared to Liz, but I do get motivated by her.  I am impressed in fact and at the same time, proud to know her. She's just one of those compatible people who talk senses and being rational as well as having so much feeling when you discuss matters with her.  Someone who always end up saying, "let's uphold this into God's hand", or "let's pray". or "let's let God leads the way".  When submitting everything to God even though she has the 'ability' to sort things out herself, is something admirable.  That full submission to God, the acknowledgement of how weak we are and how great and marvellous God is..., she's just told me our lives is in His hand.  I am blessed by her humanity and timidity when it comes to God. No.  She does not grow up in church, she doesn't have parents who are Christian, she doesn't live in Malaysia, she's only 1/3 of Chinese, she is rich and super smart and yet, her focuses is only on God. Very impressive.  I am certainly blessed to have known her and be ministered by her.

I can only say, we are of the same 'level' on a lot of areas of our lives.  Unlike some people I met, always says, "I am like that, like me or hate me that's all" or "I am of low education and I am not up to your standard and then blame me for looking down at them" or "I didn't have the chance to study in the UK like you did, not so good life".  Wow... was my life BETTER in England?  While I was doing a part-time job to survives and eat only rice with soy sauce, where were you? People can push all the blames on me, rather than seeing how hard life would be for me to reach today.  I am sorry you are not at the same level as me today, but I am not sorry that you are of another level today because you did not put efforts into it.  So, stop pushing that blame on me.  I didn't cause it.  You do. 

- Compatibility -

What's next?

"What's next?"  That's the question I have been asking since the beginning of 2018.  2018 was a tough year, but it ended well... and that this group of people that met, somehow got me thinking about what's next.. in a godly and radical way.  This year is my 14th year of practising law and I have told God, 15 years max because that's all I can push myself through to be a lawyer.  Seriously, everyone sees me and say, 'hey, you are a lawyer.. you are having a good profession and life". Hell, not. I am glad that I am still financially able to support myself with this profession, but it's definitely causing me lots of problem in life.  No. I do not enjoy being a lawyer.... not even when I won cases, celebrating the victories, etc. etc.  I don't enjoy it.  Worse still when I have ridiculous clients and impossible cases in hand to handle.  It's not only mentally it is challenging, but it is also physically challenging these days.  

After what happened to me by Miss A and seeing how Joan is coping with life and death, I started realising that people just struggle through life every day and some of them, by stepping on others and being selfish and not thinking about how others have done so much to reach this point and some, they don't even have the chance to struggles now... Everyone has a different desire and aim in their life.  Some want to earn as much so they can have a better life in the future.  Some, they want a better career so they will get the excitement they want.  Some, they just want good health.  Some, they want family, some they want a peaceful life.  I have been wondering, what do I want? This aimlessness due to my recovering from my surgery has somehow make feeling so annoyed with life. Nothing seems good that happens to me... YET. 

It comes to my mind that I should maybe finish off my International Arbitration course and get on with building a career on that since litigation could be something I do not want to continue.  So, it's a 3 months course in London and at the same time, I need to get some research proposals sorted and the transfer of Bar application... I guess I need to start thinking about getting them sorted NOW.  But the moment my thought came across the lonely life in England for 3 months... my brain freezes.  Seriously? Do I want that? 3 months?

While I am still sorting things out with the CIArb UK and all, I am looking at the possibility of me staying there for 3 months.... with the limited funds I have.  Lord, are you even opening this up for me? Sometimes, I really wonder if He realises my existence... 

- What's next? - 

Take it for granted!

Sometime in February 2018, a newly called to the Bar lawyer approached me and asked if she can join my firm so she can work on her uncles' development projects.  She signifies that she wants a bigger portion and I thought, it's fair and I can allow it.  So I agreed to split the portion to 30% to the firm and 70% to her, after all, I thought of what Rev. Kenneth has done to help me up when I was a young lawyer then, I thought I can do the same to this new lawyer, Miss A too.  Instead of 50% each (that was what I agreed with Rev Kenneth when I first joined his firm), that's what we agreed with, with only one condition, no discount should be reflected in the firm accounts.  In case she wants to give a discount to her clients, she has to deduct it from her portion, not the firm.  She agreed.  On her request, I even printed her business card with the title Partner included, even though she has made no financial contribution to it.  I allowed that because it is easier for her to approach her clients, etc. 

For the past one year, not that she asked for discounts and all the monies to be paid back to her 100%, she has not given any contribution to the firm financially, through her portion.  It's either she requested that 100% be given back to her, or that she will tell me she is giving her clients discounts and asked me to revert that to her.  I allowed it 2 times and told her, it's not right and I hope she won't repeat it.  Unfortunately, she continues her deed.  Sometime in October 2018, I told her the 30-70% agreement doesn't work well because, for the whole year, she only contributed less than RM3,000.00 to the firm while my expenses have increased significantly because she refused to listen to my instruction to print black & white, etc.  So, I asked her to start paying RM3,000 every month since November 2018, in the event her 30% contribution is lesser than RM3,000.00.  She agreed, but again, she found another way to make sure she only pay RM3,000.00, even though her 30% portion is more than RM3,000.00. 

I noticed this for 2 months and sometime around March 2019, she ordered 8 boxes of papers and printed 8 boxes (130 copies) of the agreement for a development project.  Because of the low contribution and that she cheated on me earlier, I asked if her clients had paid an initial deposit and/or retention fees for the running of their project.  You know the answer, it is No.  She argued that it should be bear by the Firm.  No.  Unfortunately, it's not because if she continues to cheat, I will only be given RM3,000.00 per month and that it is not enough to cover all the expenses.  RM3,000.00 is not even enough to cover half of the expenses of the firm each month and she argued that (a)  she hardly in the office and therefore she shouldn't be charged for renting of office; (b)  she didn't use much of the electricity and water and therefore, she shouldn't be contributing to half of the bills; (c)  as for all the other facilities like photocopy and all, she said, she only use occasionally and therefore, RM3,000.00 should be enough.  It is funny how she never thought about the firm name she has been using and how much efforts that is to build a firm name.  Without this firm name, she couldn't even work or get into the panel-ship of some banks and/or financial institution. I believe she thought the firm name is free.

Long story short, when she ignored my request for retention fees from her developer (her uncle) and continue to ask my staff to do the printing for her, my staff informed me and I confronted her.  On the same day, she got so emotional and angry and told me she couldn't work with someone who isn't flexible enough and she is leaving the firm.  Hallelujah! I was overjoyed to be honest, that she said she is leaving because I was worry that she will stay on.  One hour later, she realised her mistakes made and she texted me and asked if I can allow her to set up another branch, wholly run by her.  I was amazed by her bravery to make such a request even though I was laughing at how naive she was that she realised now that the firm name is important.  Oh well, the answer is certainly NO and I didn't want to bother how much losses she suffered because by now, I have made more losses and earning by being good to her.  I had enough and I told her no and asked her to get all her stuff out by the day.  To be honest, the whole office overjoyed the moment I told them, she is moving out. 

___________________________________________________

As I ponder about the above, I wonder if I have in any way done wrong, to allow her to join the firm, use the name of the firm and even gave her a title 'partner'.  It's by rights that I should be given her all that?  I don't think so. 

Sometimes, being me, I too took God for granted.  He has given us the rights, the privilege, the blessings, the name - His daughter, and what did we do about it? We took it for granted and made unnecessary and unfair demands from Him.  We forgot that all the rights, privileges and blessings and even the name were given to us by love, by mercy and grace.  We thought we can argue so we can get a bit more of 'extra benefits' and when we did gets it, we thought we are smart and we have the rights to it.  We forgot that He gave us all that because He loves us, He allows it. 

I have been sulking about why God made me be a practising lawyer instead of working in the corporate world or maybe today I am the Regional Head of Legal Department of some very famous big company or group of companies.  I forgot that what He has given me today - according to some judges that I am a prominent lawyer, it is not by rights and it is not a privilege, it is a blessing, it is an act of mercy and grace from God.  What I have today, be it an achievement or some sorts, it is in fact, from Him, given to me - without needing my contribution.

The flexibility that I have, the knowledge that I have, the common sense that I possess, somehow it's not what I should be getting by rights.  It is from Him.  I should be thankful for what I have today, including the opportunities given for me to go for mission trips (in the interior of Sabah or overseas), the privileged to know Him since I was born, the privileged to grow up in church compound, the opportunity to have parents who always serve God, the privilege and opportunity to studied overseas, etc. etc.

I am reminded that I should not take all these for granted.  I should not be like Miss A, missed out all the privileges, rights and opportunity.  Lord, help me to focus on You, and You alone!

- Take it for granted! -

Tough Choices

It's always difficult to balance what you want/desire and what you should do.  God always has a sense of humour in putting me in a situation where I have to make a tough decision as such. 

I won a criminal case a few weeks ago.  Prior to that, I also won a few Court of Appeal cases.  I remember telling God when He first 'arranged' me to study law, that I will be a lawyer for Him but I once I have matters reported in the Court of Appeal, I will be satisfied and end the profession.  I did not know if the criminal case I won will go up to the Court of Appeal (I believe it will, but it all depends on whether the DPP will be able to arrest the accused again).  I told God, if you want me to remain in this profession, let me have 2 more criminal cases which will make me wealthy enough to stay on instead of struggling every month to make sure I have enough to sustain the firm, my staffs and myself.  With my qualification, I am very sure that I will get paid about RM30,000.00 per month, which I am obviously not getting it today. Everyone is telling me that God is putting me here in this position for a reason.  But I do not believe that He put me here to suffer and being stressed out every single day.  Yes.  God blessed me and protected me all these years (13 years), but can He at least, give me a life where I do not need to worry or struggle through every day?

It's a tough choice.  If I get my dream job in the UK, shall I leave everything, including my mom and go for it? Will I regret not spending time with my mom for the remaining of her life? If I stay back in my current job, I probably end up having to struggle through every day like how I struggle now.  I am feeling very tired and needed rest, but we all know that He might want me to go back to the Court all the time, to share gospels to those who are in need of salvation/repentant.  Am I trying to run away from His calling by trying to get a job in the UK?  I don't think so because dreaming to have a job and work in UK, which I am comfortable with and can grow spiritually has been my dream in the past few years.  But is the timing correct? I am not young anymore.  To start all over again would be difficult.  But without changes, no one is able to grow.  I am in need of a break, a growth and a change of lifestyle. 

I am seriously asking God now, please let me know if you can act on mercy and grace and give me what I want, and let me enjoy life in the UK for the rest of my life, so I can do more missionary works for you from the UK? Can you please be nice to me for once, without sending me to do works that I struggle to hold on to, please. Please, I mean it.  I need a break, a growth and a change of lifestyle.  Please give me a job I enjoy and that I can earn and I can have free time to go mission trips for you.  I need a group of people who can really support me and not like the situation now, where I feel like I am living life on my own, without any support. 

Please God, I plead for grace and mercy be given to me. Help me Lord, sustain me and please be nice to me and bless me abundantly.

- Tough Choices -