First Time in 2011

1.            First time, I was feeling so depressed to a point I want to kill myself and think there’s no hope in   this world for me (first time I have attempted suicide).

2.            First time, I have not attended church for more than 2 times in a year.

3.            First time, I am denied by church and friends.

4.            First time, I am not serving God in His church.

5.            First time, I have lost close friends in my life.

6.            First time, I have owned a condominium that’s fully under my name.

7.            First time, I have owned my own Law firm.

8.            First time, I have taken a plane for more than 80 times in a year.

9.            First time, my account is overdrawn – bankrupt.

10.          First time, I was not working for 6 months and yet still survive with abundant blessing.

11.          First time, I visited mainland China (first time I got my China Visa).

12.          First time, I visited Australia (Perth to be exact – first time I got an Australia visa).

13.          First time, I have lost my mind.

14.          First time, I played and own a Wii.

15.          First time, I played x-box (Kinect)

16.          First time, I feel anxious of losing my mind/ life.

17.          First time, I purchased a spectacles more than RM1,000.00

18.          First time, I purchased a camera that’s more than RM6,000.00

19.          First time, I have enjoyed such a wonderful wedding ceremony and dinner (Denise and Ray’s)

20.          First time, I refuse to be taken granted for by clients and friends in my life (refuse to give in)

21.          First time, to own a tablet – Asus Transformer.

22.          First time, I have hurt someone’s feeling so badly.

23.          First time, I feel lonely.

24.          First time, I enjoyed my Christmas so much.

25.          First time, I managed to push away toxic friends from my life.

26.          First time, I put a knife through my body and saw blood flowing out and feel good about it.

27.          First time, I asked for help and no one cares.

28.          First time, I enjoy being a lawyer.

29.          First time, I took advantage of others and not the other way round.

30.          First time, I feel good being evil and bad.

31.          First time, I was so anxious after being threaten.

32.          First time, I visited a Psychiatric clinic.

33.          First time, I didn’t achieve what I planned for this year and I managed to achieved more than what I planned. 

34.          First time, I am called as witness for a Civil litigation case.

35.          First time, I am subpoena. 

36.          First time, I am registered as a Trademark Agent.

37.          First time, I get queried by Lembaga Hasil Dalam Negeri over the Tax I submitted for the past 5 years. 

38.        First time, I don’t like being sick (previously, sickness to me is nothing because I am always weak and sick since baby)

39.          First time, I was so angry with what others did on me and yet I still love them heaps.

40.          First time, I feel useless, to people and to God.

41.          First time, I think for myself (being selfish) and not others first.

42.          First time, I do not feel regret of what I did, even though I hurt someone badly. 

43.          First time, I visited Pubs more than church.

44.          First time, I felt so hurt to the point I want to kill someone (a good feel of what provocation means).

45.          First time, I wanted to revenge.

46.          First time, I can’t communicate with my dad and get advice from him.

47.          First time, I think I made right choices in life.

48.          First time, I feel that all my non-Christian friends are much better than all my so called Christian “friends”. 

49.          First time, I am so discouraged by church and priests.

50.          First time, I can see how far my future can goes and can’t wait for it to come. 

51.          First time, I travelled by China Airlines.

52.          First time, I didn’t play squash for a year.

53.          First time, my mother apologizes to me.

54.          First time, I told my dad at least few times in a year that I love him.

55.          First time, I have cried for a year continuously.

56.          First time, my heart was broken so badly.

57.          First time, I was worried so much until I couldn’t sleep even with sleeping pills.

58.          First time, I purchased furniture from IKEA and shipped it back.

59.          First time, I have ipod shuffle (two).

60.          First time, I have a double bed. 

Merry Christmas!

No matter how you are going to celebrate christmas, no matter how much christmas mean to you, no matter where you are, what are you going through, just want to wish you have a wonderful and merry christmas! I want to also take this opportunity to ask you for your forgiveness over what I did for the past 1 year in your life, whatever that gave you pain and suffering.  I am sorry.  I am truly sorry for what I did!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Heard?

For a year now, people whom have left me asked and expect me to find new friends, but they have forgot that it's impossible because first, i do not want to end up telling my new friends what my old friends did to me.  Secondly, i do not want to end up damaging the church and the people.  Upon hearing so much of 'complains' from me from facebook, my children came to me together, secretly, out of concern, asked me what actually happen.  They confessed that they have tried all sources and yet, none of them manage to find out what happen exactly.  That's how unheard I am.  I have to protect my old friends, I have to protect CCL and the priest, I have to protect my brother, I have to protect the bishop(s), and I am the only one end up feeling hurt myself... for the past year.  No.  I am not saying my old friends are not suffering, I am not saying the church are not, ... but all I am saying is, they shouldn't blame that on me alone now and walked away like they didn't do anything wrong at all.  I am not saying I am blameless.  A friend asked me who has the problem, I told her straight to her face, "I am obviously.  I am sick".  Am I blaming everything to the sickness?  Seriously if you ask me, I do.  Ask around ... and you will find out how 'unusual' i am these days... I woke up everyday wonder where I am.  I woke up everyday wonder what day is today and is there anything i need settle.  I woke up everyday wonder who am I.  Is my father still alive? And for sure, for the first few hours, my memories can be lost by 70%, not knowing even who am I, etc.  

I am expecting more and more loss of memories when time goes by.  There are too many things that happen this year has been forgotten..  worse is, i cannot control my emotions.  Do you realised whenever you act on certain steps, it's your emotions that steps in first?  Well, ... that's exactly what's wrong and difficult for me... because my emotions has failed and therefore, I can assess if my rational is working fine too... 

Who am I?  I have lost myself for a year now.  I don't know exactly who am I? What's my identity, what's my character, what am I good at? All I got from others are 'disconnection', worthlessness, hopelessnes... and "I am sick" and I am always wrong.  

When the bible speaks about who am I, as... to there's only one Pei San, I can tell you.. I can tell God, He is such a failure to create me.  Because I am a loser. And a human can be so 'useless' once his/her mind is not intact anymore.  Friends, job, money, integrity, family... all gone within a minute once they know you are sick.  No one heard my side of the story until today.  Not that anyone want to find out.  All they know and heard of is the other side of the story... which they have deemed correct because the other person who is telling is not sick.  I am. Whatever I say, it will have no weight at all... just because I am sick. The most painful part is that, even the closest person around me see me the same way like everyone else did. 

- Heard? - 

Who are you to judge?

I was told my uncle passed away few days ago and due to the busy schedule, I only visited his family about an hour ago.  A long chat simply because they all know I am closely connected with the Anglican church ... I was asking about how's the funeral service arrangement going.. and my cousin told me the Anglican church has refuse to bury my uncle in their land, simply because he has not been in church for the past 10 years, after his wife passed away.  My first reaction was, where's the church when he was going through such a difficult time for the past 10 years of having needs to raise his own son alone and to bear with the loss, etc?  The second reaction was, when I was informed my uncle was admitted to hospital, I went with my brother and we knew Rev Yong together with a few pastors were on the way to pray for him, etc.  That's because for the past 1 1/2 years, he wasn't able to walk and so, he didn't go back to the church physically, but he asked the church to deliver him holy communion by home visitation every single week.  If he is not in a position to be entitle for a ground in the cemetery, who is, I wonder.  Has the church thought they are God now to judge? I mean, if he didn't repent and come back to the Lord by asking the church for holy communion, ... what was that he asked for? 

Of course I explained to the family that there were people taking the church for granted and that's why we need a 'check list'.  But when my cousin told me the priest at the Basel church agreed to help in the event the Anglican refuse to conduct the service, I was a bit pissed off.  What the hell is this? Yes, we know the soul is what we take serious of, but ... can't we be a little compassionate for the lost of a father to this cousin of mine? Where's the compassion that Jesus shown us? I remember reading all the 4 gospel which stressed on very much on the compassion of Jesus... and being filled by compassion, Jesus did certain things for the people... who are we really, ... because he was not being loved by many in the church and the society and that's why he is not entitle for a bury ground?  

So, because the lady whose head was not found in the car accident was entitled to had her funeral service in the church because she was baptised in the anglican church in England? If a certificate is sufficient, my dear uncle also has such a certificate to shown.  Or because the lady whose head was not found in the car accident had a father who is famous and rich and that's why he is entitle for a bury ground and not my uncle?  Or because his son is attending Glory Christian Centre and therefore he is not entitle a bury ground? i don't understand this.  

But who am I to judge right? Well, at least I am not judging them by who they are.  I still went and pay my last respect, even though we all doesn't like this uncle and his family a lot.  So what? Aren't we sinner too? Damn!

- Who are you to judge? - 

Hard

It's so hard.  When my mood was very down, all my workers/clerks got scolded.  Now, they can't stand my impatience... hahaha... sometimes that's what happen... we can never get what we want EXACTLY.  If you work under a boss, that's what you are subject yourself to.. to follow his/her pace of works... I can in one day finished 5 cases' drafting and being impatience with them not finishing their works and I ended up get their works done in minutes too.  I am also not very sure who is in a harder position to cope with whom... anyway... it's hard! 

- Hard - 

Lost it all!

What have I lost during the most difficult time in my life? Connection, Respect, worthiness... those are the main one I have lost.  And due to the disconnection... with church and friends and my dad.... it's like the whole world has fallen down.  Those were the pillar of my life... of course the main pillar behind is God, but when all these fell apart... I have lost it all... ! I can't walk around the town not to fear to meet people that has disconnected with me anymore.  I can't even stand in the church to feel humiliated and embarrassed at all time.  No more respect from others, doesn't feel worthy anymore... everyone seems me as a monster that walks around.  I can't face the challenge operating a law firm all by myself where the mouth of people keep talking, and no business coming in because everyone is saying they do not want a lawyer who is sick to represent them.  How to lives? I don't know.... The greatest mistake was, i told someone I trusted and my privacy was not honoured at all.  More so, they walked away from me after that... I seriously wonder if they really care or they just want me to die instantly... anyway, there you go... I have lost it all... they won!

- Lost it all! -

Educated

I have been hearing from many that they have no idea what depression is... and the information in the web is definately not enough for anyone to understand nor help anyone know really grab hold of what depression is. Many thocught depression is a sickness and with medication, the person will be who they were. This is so wrong... it's also stupid to tell the depress God is all they needs to focus on.  It's like you are asking someone who is insane not to hurt themselves. Why communicating with the depress most of the time you will feel so annoyed, so frustrated and so angry?  We forgot, depression or rather the chemical in the brain has affected the way depress think ... things that you said could means good, i.e.,the future is bright... or 'this will end', ' everything is going to be fine'.  But instead of getting what you really mean, it can bears no sense to the depress, regardless how many times tell them. Because future to them is only pains... When you said you care and love them but you didn't show them any evidence of what you said, it only means you are not taking it seriously, you do not respect them, you fool them, you lie, you 'play' with their trust and sincerity.
There are more of how you start a conversation, how can you help instead of not knowing what to respond and what to say that we all need to learn and to be educated by.
i have written some in my other blog and i dedicated to those who really want to learn and want to help those you really care.  Just this month, i have 2 friends who were diagnosed with depression, one killed herself by hanging. One wanted to kill her only son before she kills herself.  i happen to 'save' the both for now.... but i am sure, she still has that in mind...
One of the biggest challenge is, do not eve think of giving up bytelling the depressed you gave up on her. By saying that and responding to her will only means her only hope and future are gone and the next think you can expect is they will commit suicide without warning.
Think for a moment, if this is tough for you, what more for the depressed. They too wish they can snap it out.... immediately... but that's not possible.  That is why they need help, they need guidelines.... be patience to them because you once told them to do it step by step.  So don't rush them, don't expect they can grab what you told them instantly. Give them time to digest.  If they start scolding, it only means, they are 'thinking' of what you were saying and they are not angry about you, but themselves. So, don't take it personnaly... and walk off.... if you do, they will once again feeling thepains, the hurts and even give up because they thought you are punishing them, not loving them, ...that will only means, better be dead than enduring the unbearable pain.
-Educated-

Being positive?

Just wonder if this happen to everyone... since I am trying to find out about my own 'mood', the correct mood and non correct mood i mean... well, it seems like things get really bad and everything small becomes and issue to a point where there can be no return.  When things or mood are lifted up, somehow... life is such a beauty and you just don't want to give up life... and you have lots of ideas and you want to spend money just to get something you like.  Mood is something we can and cannot control, depending if the chemical in your brain is being 'playful'.  Well, I am not sure if any of you can understand what I am trying to tell you... things can be so positive when your mood is lifted up... and things can be so negative when your mood is so so low.  Oh well, I know most of you who are reading this will not understand fully what I am telling you because apart from me, I guess not many has ever experience the 'very low' mood phrase... or a 'very high' mood phrase.  Happy thoughts... a friend suggested I think on that... I couldn't find any for days and months... seriously... why? Because everything that's good or bad, has been affected so much by my mood then... 'very low mood' that was... Trust me, I tried. Nothing works. 

Stress apparently is one of the big issue that can affects mood... and most of us feels the stress and discomforts, but none, i believe, experience what I understand as "very low mood".  The hardest part is not how to cope when your mood is really very down... but instead, when your mood goes very high and uncontrollably high... you might not be able to sleep at all when your mood is very high (unlike very low mood, you can just sleep and sleep and do not want to get up), you seems to have lots of energy to do a lots of things, plan a lots of things, having non-stop thinking and ideas, etc.  Full of energy and even the sky fall down, you will think, ... it's ok. everything is beautiful.  After you finished all your money in the bank account and you can still say "It's alright, God will provide" or "Bankrupt is nothing"... etc. etc. It's a total different feelings.  The worse is, when your mood is so upbeat, you wouldn't want to let it stop because you will feel very good about it.  And the feelings of wanting to be recognised soon become "it is alright. Even if I am alone, I can lives a better and happier life".  "So what if those whom I care and love doesn't love me? I know how to love myself is good enough".  No one wants a low mood era. But no one want to stop having high mood.  

Which one is more dangerous? Both are suicidal.  One is immediate, another one gradually. And the majority of us are that we are in the middle of both moods... and you know exactly what and how you are 'feeling'.  

Well, I guess not many of you understand what I am trying to say... I am just tell you, ... if you are those in the middle, you are a blessed one.  

-Being positive? - 

Weddings!!!

Surprise surprise.... I think I am entering into another stage of life where, instead of not attending weddings at all, I do attend some very close friend's wedding.  Wait... not close friends... it's some friends I appreciated.  It's weird.... because not even my brother's wedding I attended and since then, attending wedding is... nothing important and something to be excite about at all.  This month, I just happen to put some efforts to attend 2 weddings.  One, belonging to a friend who always 'around' despite the distance we are at.  Proximity doesn't seems to be something that bothers her to be 'around' of me during the hardest time of my life.  And of course, ever since she is with Michael, I am being included still.... we are not close at all ... but ... I appreciate the inclusion and I wanted to be there during her happiest moment in life... 

The second one I am to attend ... is from someone who has been so successful in her career and somehow who is also not physically around me but has shared her happiest moment with me when Ray proposed ... the whole story was so real and excited.  I haven't met Ray, but I somehow 'know' him because of her.  I feel included in their life and I wanted to witness the happiest moment in their life.  With all efforts made, I received the wonderful invitation card posted to my new address.  That sincerity somehow touched me so much... that I feel being included and being wanted.  It's hard to get included these days because of my sicknesses.  But I am being included anyway.  I appreciate this a lot.  She was my cell member when she was in high school... I haven't seen her for the past 16 years.... and we have not contacted each other until 2 years ago.  

I am attending the weddings for 2 reasons:  

(a)  To witness the happiest moment of those whom I really appreciate; and

(b)  To make sure they understand their vow ... more than the 'needs of getting married' struck in. 

And with the blessing I am going to give to them, I hope and wish the marriage I witnessed last forever... until one of them depart from this world.  

I have attended one so far... and I am going to another one next week.  Can't wait... 

- weddings!!!-

Partner

Am i suppose to have a partner in my firm? I mean, i need a partner... but i cannot affort the 'stress' and risk in my firm/ job.... and my life. I don't think i wanna try to have another partner or close friend to be around to tell me my expectation to them is too high.... to join me as my partner in work, my expectation is even more higher than i am expecting from a friend.... because at all time, i can have less expectation with love.... but i won't love my partner at work.... i will only make them work and bring money into the firm.

I do not want to 'kill' any more people.....

May be i am destined to lives alone.... and lives better alone! Well, at least i managed to get through the darkest moment in my life all by myself!

- partner-

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Put yourself on people's shoes.

Based on how i was treated, i am so eager for the moment that people whom treated me so badly will meet their darkest moment in life.  To make them feeling and being treated exactly how they treated me!  That's my wish for now... i can't wait for the moment to arrive to see how suffering and in pain they are and just stand there not helping, happily going through my happy life without bothering and communicating... and to make them suffer the way they 'created' and made for me to suffer.... i am very sure their dark moment in life will come their way soon... but this time, all i need to is to celebrate and be happy to show them, they deserve it! 

Am i holding a grudge against them? Tell me you wouldn't if you are in my shoes and went through a hell like life created by them which they forced you to walk through it yourself! If you won't, then.... may be you are in a position to judge me. Is this a misunderstanding? At first i thought it was..but not anymore! It's more than 11 months now.. it can't be misunderstanding anymore.  I am waiting... (lets hope i have a long life to wait for it to happen).  I am definitely going to celebrate when that moment arrives. Can't wait!!!

- put yourself on people's shoes -

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I have decided!

I guess this is the first time I managed to tell someone what really caused me depressed.  I hate to admit it, but, it is.. the church.  This is my 6th years in KK.  When I was at the last week in FCC, Bishop John was in KL and he prayed for me departure and arrival in KK.  Hence, he came to know that I am coming back to Sabah for good.  I didn't attend CCL straight even though I knew before hand that he's going to be the rector there.  During the training, Rev Sng has also invited to CCL a couple of times but I have refused, simply because I do know lots of people in ASC and I think it would be easier for me to adapt.  After a few months of attending ASC, on one sunday, by invitation by a 3rd party, I went to CCL.  Bishop John saw me but has not purposely welcome me... and he do know me well that I do not like to be 'known' too much.  That sunday evening, was an ordination service and as usual, I attended.  Bishop John asked me how did I feel about CCL.  I told him and he invited me to go again when I want to.  

I prayed about it for a few weeks... and I was convinced that ASC is probably not a church that I will grow in.  But I was so convicted and convinced by God that to attend CCL, I am to help that church to grow .... with, or without Bishop John's presence.  With Bishop Vun's approval and consent, I have transferred to CCL with the condition that I will still help the Diocese in any event if they needed me.  I then was still holding a post as warrant officer at the Girls Brigade.  I told myself, I will remain in this church and serve Him faithfully no matter who the priest in charge or rector is... until and unless God send me to somewhere else.  

I must say, for 6 years of serving Him in this church, I have never loose faith in Him and the people in CCL.  But unfortunately, these 6 years of ministries has caused me feeling so depressed and so upset and so discouraged.  At the end, it's not me who gave up on CCL.  It's CCL who gave up on me first...  Just because of my promise to God 6 years ago, I was trying so hard to go back to CCL over the past few months... but I guess I am greatly being rejected and hence... I have decided to give up on CCL.  

I still hope this church will grow... but I will not serve God in this church anymore.  

- I have decided! - 

What to be consider?

What exactly you need to consider when you are in a relationship and about to commit into a life long commitment?  No.  I am not the best person whom can give you a good advice because I am not the one who is so adventurous and to be able to step the step into such a huge commitment in life.  Call me 'chicken'.  I am just not as brave.  For a simple reason... that I am contented with my current situation and if this relationship thingy or life long commitment is not going to give me better life than my current situation, .. i would rather not to step out that step.  A smart friend used to told me this when I told her I am in a relationship.  Her only question was "is he good for you?".  I guess that question is very much valid.  If he is not going to give you anything 'better' or 'good', may be you should re-consider it.  After knowing that my dear brother who just passed away 2 weeks ago which suffered such pain for the past 8 years after marrying his wife, is really upsetting... I wonder why such a nice man deserve such outcome by just one decision he made? The worse is to seeing his children in suffering now and yet, we can't help much.... I am just feeling so upset over this issue... 

- What to be consider? -    

Sad

If you think losing a friend is sad enough.... it's not as sad as when their family member called me asking how they help my friend's children legally... from being abused or rather continuous abuse from my friend's wife, whom he married after knowing her for 6 months.... The worse is, i was told, my dear brother and friend had suffered tremendous mental and physical suffering from his wife and he was about to divorce his wife as his last wish.... It's just sad to keep hearing all these marriage issues almost everyone think i made the right choice for not marriying.... i won't say i thank God for not marrying and still keep a relationship for years.... i just don't like to know that those i know is suffering from marrige and not enjoying God's intention for marriage. I still believe 2 is better than 1.  But i cannot deny the fact that many just married because of that verse in the bible but has failed to make the marriage as 'better'.  Instead, many conflicts in family happens because a new member is adde to a family, be it due to marriage or due to pregnancy - adding another child.  Marriage is suppose to be 'better'... but that's not the message i get lately....

People, please don't married because of lust, because of blind love,because your biological is out of time, because everyone is married, because you need someone to be around....  think properly why do you want to get married! Please....

- Sad -

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Parties...

Many times, in an argument.... we will keep fighting and fighting and argue and argue without 'listening' well to others what exactly they meant when they put certain words out.  i.e.  a child keep telling her mom that he doesn't like her dad's mother (grandma).  No one take that remark seriously.. because he is just a child.  Not until things happen and we started to blame each other for not paying enough attention to the child.  We assume responsibility be taken care of for both dad and mom, but... apparently, that's not true.  Sometimes or most of the time, one party will not take it seriously and in worse scenario, both parties or all parties listened but not heard what the child is telling them.  

For the past 1 year, that's exactly what I feel like.  That everyone just busy with their own works and other things and neglected wholly of what I was saying and/or trying to tell.  When things gone wrong, all the parties blaming each other and they even blamed me for not telling them or doing my part to do more.  Well, I have tried enough to seek attention from others.  Signals were given to many that "I am tired".  Did anyone remember when was the first time I mentioned that and did any heard what I was trying tell you? When thing goes wrong, they all blamed me saying my focus on God is not align.  Not only they blamed it on me, they blamed in on God.  

I remember I was quite upset when Caroline told me after 2 months of helping me to take care of the cell group that, "you must not rest for too long.  this responsibility is yours and you need to take it up".  Without knowing whether I can or not? She didn't hear what I told her.  "I am tired" and "I can't do it anymore".  

Debbie always found me dead when I returned from Tawau and besides asking me why and trying to listens, all she did was to scold me as if it help.... Vanessa? Ever since she found her group of friends, she has left for a long long time.  I can't remember when was the last time I told or share with her of what's bothering me.  Generally.... there's signals given but everyone just so happy and busy with their own life and neglected me.  

My friend described that even looking for me and share with me, her heart is still pain and can't get through.  I totally understand that feeling.... yes, not until the PARTIES or one of the party who is willing to sit down, listens and support and encourage you, it's just so hard not to feel upset and depressed.  It's like completely no support and completely like under the water, drowning.... 

I guess to them, it's a waste of time to just hear me out for 1 hour.  For a year plus now, 1 hour gathering with me or see how am I doing is ... waste of time. They have other things to busy with.  So yes... even though lives move on.... I will forever remember in my life that during the most difficult time in my life, everyone left me to deal with it alone and there's no support given at all from them and the church.  

Out of control or In the hand of God?

There are many times, we thought we can handle certain things in our life and that once it falls within what we expect, we are telling ourselves that God blessed us and/or it is everything in order.  There are however, many times in life, when things not happen in accordance to our wish and/or expectation, we started to blame God and to think it's our of our hand and that God is the one who control over things.. and we started to push everything back to God.  

Is our life belong to God? This year has been a very challenging year for me.  God has taken everything away from me... at first, but He has somehow restored it all with double portion to me when things started to fall apart.  By looking at what had happen and what is still happening, I do not know whether I should consider things is out of hand/control or that He has planned it all and blessed me.  It is the first time, I realised, work/income is so tiny of a thing in my life.  For 6 months of not working, I am not only alive without adjudicate bankrupt, but I have received more than what I never imagine I would have.  My friend told me my God is not fair.  She needs to work day in day out to feed her family, her workers, and yet me... I have rested at least 6 months.  I don't think anyone can have that 'luxury' of not working for 6 months and still survive... in additional to that, after the 6 months, I was given a firm, many more incomes, a condominium, etc. etc. 

I am now confused.  By not attending church, left all these people who hurt me, it seems like, that's how much I get more closer to God.  My eldest and respected cousin sister told me "stay away from all the people who dragged me down and stay away from negative people".  It's hard to consider that they are in those category.. but, somehow when I managed to, God shows me and told me that, "all i have done previously was for Him".  So if anyone who goes against me, they were against God.  For 6 years, I did so much for the Lord, no one recognised and acknowledged my efforts done.... not a word of 'thank you'.  That's all right... God has stepped in now and pat on my shoulder and tell me "you are my good and faithful servant.  I appreciated what you did for Me and your work has finished".  

Just when I think everything is out of control, I then realised, everything falls in His hand... 

-Out of control or in the hand of God? - 

Why?

I am at the age where most of my friends have already married for years and with children, etc.... and that's because i am single, i have somehow become their 'target' of sharing. Almost everyone i met any/or i received call from these days, are those who just wanna find some 'outlet' to share about their problem as a wife, as a daughter in law. Some, for the first time after 14 years of marriage, has finally cannot stand the hurts their spouse did and wanted to give up the marriage.  Some, complain some characteristic of their spouse that they cannot accept, some, complain that their spouse is no longer sexy and too fat, some complain their spouse refuse to have sex with them, some complain their spouse doesn't care much about their children or their family members, some, complain their spouse didn't care about them more than their spouse's siblings, some complain their spouse did not help them with housework or taking care or teaching their children, some even regret marrying their spouse, etc etc... the worse is, after some of their children who has grown up, one of them think their responsibility for their spouse is over and they look for other partnerjust to fulfill their lust.  Just when i thought these kind of things only happen to those who has married for years, to my horror, i found out a friend who just got married 2 years ago has suffer from the result of marriage and all he told me when he knows i went for mission trip and all was, he regret marrying and he kids.  He wish he is single.

I have also encounter people who tells me they can't wait to get married. Those, who think only by marrying, their life is complete.  I hav always been in this category. Twice i was at the stage of getting married and twice, i wasn't able to do it. I called both times, my problem. I guess i just have difficulties to commit and i just think nothing, no one will last. And if my love one and spouse fall sick and i have to take up all the responsibility and to take care of him, i won't be able totake it.  Losing friends already gave me so strong of an impact in life, and what more if i am losing my love one?

But i cannot understand those who has taken up the responsibility and only relised all these foreseeable certainty that set in to their life now. If they have agreed to get married, why make such a big issue now, after so many years of marriage? No one force them to married. They choose it themselves and now they regret? As if, their have a choice now because this world now allow married people to escape from their vow and divorce only by costing them a few thousands?

I don't get it.... why people getting married for these days... for lust? For temperory satisfaction and pride? Where is the love that says, it can cover all sins and imperfection?

-why?-

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New Chapter!

Well, I guess everything has finally gone past and finally, I managed to get rid of everyone that I loved.  The plan seems working well and I am not worry about suffer sudden death or anything like that.  I forgot to incorporated the firm's money into the Will.  I will need to get that done before anything happen so suddenly.  Hmm... it's a new chapter of life.  Everything around me changed.  It's not been easy but, well... I am "on track" so far.  Let's hope by this month end, I sort out everything and moves on life... 

My last weekend at Kota Kinabalu for this year has just gone past with a wonderful time with relatives... it's a joyous occasion indeed.  I was greatly being 'entertained' by all the kids around... Nice one really! 

Well, guess it's time to move on ... and on and on... and I am grabbing everyday as my last day.  I treasure every moment ... next trip it has to be Australia and then US... then the last trip to England, France and Netherlands if God permits.  Life without friend is not the end of the world.  Life without enjoying God's creation is. Not that I have lots of time... I guess I just need to finish all my dreams... that's all. 

-New Chapter!-

Silence

Jonathan Tse posted a phrase stated "silence is the the wise move" and I commented that it won't be for someone who is being neglected and forgotten. Well, I guess it all goes back to Eccle. in the bible that there's always best timing for everything, that includes being silence and not being silence. I am a forgotten soul in the family. Everyone loves my brother but no one likes me because to all, I am not thinking like an ordinary person and I am not acting like an ordinary person. I remember Andy and Cindy told me that they can't seems to understand my thinking at all. It's that bad.... well, it probably because of the experiences I have that accumulated over the years that made my thinking to be ... different.

Silence, is at most of the time good... but not all the time. Sometimes, by keeping silence and acting in silence, it will cause things to be fatal. I.e. I wouldn't want to tell a soul if i am killing myself now. Furthermore, I won't tell anyone if I am dying... I won't want to tell anyone if I lonely after knowing that making them to be with me means taking their joy away. Joy, is something I misses a lot... and by taking that away from someone would be devastating... and it's going to be last thing I will do.

So, after much efforts and after being treated by silence, I know I am not wanted and there's no one who is willing to be with me at all. By being with me they won't have joy. And so, I have started to love the silence... just because when I cannot change the things that cannot be changed, the only way is to try learning it and embrace it... love it.

Everyone knows... I rather everyone else to be happy than I am happy... and this principles... and characters are from my dad.... and so, I am ok with no one to be around.... I will be ok.... after all, I am sure all these won't last long...

-Silence-

Pushing away?

"We are not trying to leave you, but you are pushing us away". A phrase I remember until today... It's truth. That's what everyone who has depression will do, i.e. trying to push everyone away. But if you really care, would you stay or leave? Well, it's correct... I am trying to push everyone away. EVERYONE .. that's what I mean. I love the silence which I hate dealing with for months. But after getting more and more each day, I am getting used to it.. and I started to love it. Hence, breaking the 'silence' now, will kills me and I might not be able to handle it.

Ya.. am trying to push everyone away....

- Pushing away? -

Take it easy!

Again, I have been offered a part time job, to do teaching. Teaching A Level law subject. Seriously, I love teaching and I have been waiting for this moment to come for a long long time now. But when it comes, I wonder now, if I am able to take it. Simply because I now have to take good care of myself, my parents, my businesses, my health, etc. I am afraid I won't be able to cope with the amount of stress I have already in my hand.

So I take things easy. I told the principal 3 times that I have to reject his offer, be it the salary is high. I need to only focus on one thing at one time now, i.e. my firm. I have 2 staffs under me which I need to make sure they are paid every month for their hard works. My responsibility towards them, towards my parents are very high at the moment. So, I can't seems to take 'challenge' easily. My phone has been a terrible tool for me since last year. I believe it was the hard fall one day when I got down from the car and I forgot the phone was on my lap. It fell so hard on the floor that it should have damaged the antenna. Thereafter, all receptions is bad. In additional to that, it always restart by itself or can't receive full messages people sent me, etc. If you happen trying to call me for the past few months, you will realised how hard it is to get through the line. Yesterday was the worse time when I need to restart my phone for 8 times and I didn't manage to use the phone for at least 32 hours. Without hesitation, I walked in the Maxis and took the new BB9900, paid for it, signed a few papers and walked off from it. Transferred from the old phone to the new one is just less than 15 minutes and I am glad I am now using then new one without any problem so far.

I realised I can't tolerant to uncertainty, problems, delay, etc. I need things to be in order NOW and not later. I do not want extra or unnecessary stress. My life has changed a lot ever since these months. I started to enjoy life being alone again... Now I get more visitor because I am staying alone.

I am trying to relax and take things easy. Am I worry about whether I have income next month? Well.... compare to the previous me, I have less worry because even without working, God has blessed me, what more ... now? I am sure He has taken care of everything already.

- Take it easy!-

New beginning...

I believe all the 'bad' moment has passed and like my beloved friend said, "after the worse, there will be abundant blessings". God has been blessing me since day one. For 6 months of not working, I still manage to bought over the 1/2 share of the condominium. With no friends, I have blessed by some really nice people around. Hence, I said: "even stranger is better than those I hold close before". Well... God has also let me see more things through sicknesses. God has also let me have more old friends to look for me and to care for me. God has been great... even during the most difficult time of mine. Nevermind if I die today... because I do treasure every single day like it's my last day on earth. It's a new beginning... the beginning of worry-less towards income, towards friendship, towards career, towards church, towards family members... I have begin to let go of everything... It's a new beginning of a less caring life may be... but, let's keep it that way... so that I won't get hurt again, so that I won't be sad and angry anymore. So that I won't expect much from anyone at all...

-New beginning... -

Mine!

As usual, I will check the mail box everyday I came home from work and today is no exceptional. I open the mailbox thinking there won't be anything for me, but nope, I received the SESB electricity bill. For the first time, I look at the bill and I put a smile on my face. For a simple reason, it bears my name. For the past few years, I have been paying for my landlords, for my dad and this time, it's MINE. It bears my name... wow...!

This particular blog hits 800 today... and ever since i started to blog, I have written 800 thoughts.... amazing how far this can go. Well, I guess it matters... really matters to have the feeling of owing something.... I don't have someone which I can call 'mine'. I don't have many things that I can call mine.... sad... well, practically speaking, this condominium, my car and firm all belongs to the bank.... I have lost everything twice in my life for the past 15 years. And that's enough.... like one used to told me, "i know that feeling and I will not let myself to be in that situation again in my whole life".

-Mine! -

Bed!

I wonder how many think bed is the most important thing in our life. Many think sleeps is important too... and so, it's a complete shock when I told the sales manager that I have not been sleeping on a bed for the past 5 years plus. Ya...ever since I arrived in KK, I do not own a bed. I was sleeping on the ground/floor for about 4 months before getting myself a mattress. And the same mattress I am sleeping on (3") was my bed for the past 6 years.... hahaha... I am sure this is a record no one has...

Well, I finally bought myself a bed and I just got it set up not long ago. Wonderful.... I hope my room gives me a good sleeps every night.... This is my permanent home.... wow.. until I move in to a bungalow. hehehe... I do need a 'land' to start planting things...

Oh well... I got myself a bed finally...

-Bed! -

The Depressed soul...

Oh well.... it's on today that I have changed the blog's address to the depressedGodlyLawyer. Well, for a simple reason... I AM depressed and I feel so being left behind.... and being ignored and neglected. No one think about me at any given time. Everyone is happy with their life and enjoying every love and romance and successes in their life.... What can I say? I wish them well? I would if they are not doing all these to me...

I am tired. I really do.... may be it's time...

-the depressed soul ... -

Saving me?

There's only one way to find out what happen to me today and tomorrow... May be ... the newspaper is the way ... since this area is a new place... don't try to call me or contact me... useless... There won't be anyone answering... may be the shadow shall review more... I am not sure myself... but, who cares? I don't... and I know no one is... so, what's the point of going to heaven where i know no one likes me there? Come on, don't be a fool... everyone hates me in there. No one welcome me...

- Saving me? -

Shame!

Have you ever wonder if whatever you believe is not exactly correct? A distant relative walked in straight from the main door and walked all the way in just when I finished my dinner. I realised she's not a usual visitor as she doesn't know how to lead herself and her daughter in. Well, I remember seeing her, but I couldn't exactly recognise her, not until my mother called her name and when she starts talking about her mother. I know her mother since i was a baby... she walked in straight, greeted my mother and she asked how's my dad doing and she just heard about it this afternoon. It has been for nearly 8 months now and ... her sincere and honest moves, touched my heart. Of so many people who came to visit dad... she is someone very 'out of the place' to be exact. She didn't believe in Christ for a long long time.... she has married a man who perform some other religious. She told us many thing tonight... and all I can say is, she might be someone who has gone astrayed in her faith, but... her truthness and honest care and love for even such a distant relative... is just so real and by action. She is better than hundreds of people who has been just telling me that they care and yet without any action. The more I heard she talked about how she took care of her mother... the more i feel pain in my heart. I wonder at the end, her mother is in heaven.... simply because she and her husband took care of her mother alone... and that during the most difficult time of her life, when her own daughter and son in law asked her to believe in what they believe and called out for their god... and when she did, all pain left her... I wonder... how many of us from the church ever goes beside her and helped her out at that moment. I feel so shameful of being called Christian... I am.

I also heard that don't know how many so called Christian has caused this women to left God at the end and come to know this husband and changed her faith and believe so much of this god... it's just a shame!

For the past 8 months, none from the church care enough to ask me how am i doing or invite me back to the church. I am all being left alone. All they told me was, they are all very busy. Busy with 'ministry'. And I seriously wonder... why talk about 'ministry' when you can't even care and love the one that needs you? I wonder how 'effective' that ministry can be ... by what they are doing in action towards a lost soul like me? So, focusing on the 80% is enough... let the 20% left God? Is this what Jesus said about the one sheep that's went astray?

Why talk about mission works where you can't even care much to the person that's just a phone call away or a drive away? Is this what Christian is? If this is, I do not want to be one.

- Realised? -

Tempting....!!!

Looking down from my condominium is quite exciting actually.... I feel so much wanted to jump down... you know... the sense of having that freedom that I wish I have.... free from pain and hurts... I know I probably need to go higher... but.... i just so tempting to .... after all... knowing that everyone is waiting for me to just do it... it's just so .... TEMPTING!!!!

- Tempting...!!! -

Encouragement?

This is the 8th months that I am not being bothered and cared for ... by the church I used to attend. Well, seems like... after so much I have done for the church and people and God in that church, I am completely being forgotten. I asked a so called friend last Saturday evening of whether she thinks this church is welcoming me for the next day's service. She simply replied, "sure, of course. Service at 9am". After that... I heard nothing from her nor anyone at all. If you were me, do you feel 'welcome'? If you were me, would you ever want to attend such a church or call that church as your church? Total disappointment. For 8 months plus, no one ever try to invite me to the church. They simply apply the general rule: "if she wants to come to church, she will come herself".

I believe everyone needs encouragement. Without encouragement, no one is MOVES to take the first step. No matter how strong a christian I was and am, I need encouragement too. Everyone do... no exceptions. No matter how good you are as a preacher, or a doctor or a lawyer, or an accountant, we all need encouragement.

For 8 months now, no one in the whole KK is asking if I am interested to attend a church or a cell group. NONE. That's the reason I am back in Tawau if I can. Because i know there will be people asking if i need a lift to the church on saturday evening. I am encouraged to attend ... I am pushed. I am welcomed. That's why... I rather go back to Tawau on weekend for church. Have been using 'dad and mom' as the excuse... rather than... being hauted by the feelings that I am not wanted in KK at all, by anyone.

It's weird when i am thinking about this. I can be fearful towards certain things, but in many other things which I would have been fearful, I am not. This morning, I received a very funny message which says: "Anxiety in the heart of man causes depression but a good word makes it glad. Prov 12:25 God bless you with His word PEACE." I looked at that and wonder... this person must have not known what he is sending and to whom he is sending to. He know a good word makes it glad... but for 8 months, i receive no good word and ... what is he implying by sending this kind of message to me? I feel so offended and replied him this: "I don't think I am anxious at any time since I am alone most of the time and argue in court without fear and also don't scare of dying. Who said I am anxious?" I put what I sent into deep thoughts after that... yeah... If I am really suffering from anxiety... do you think I can lives by my own for the past 8 months, handling my own firm myself, do all these running, courts matters, bank dealings, meeting clients all by myself without anyone helping? Do you think I can go buy food, drive alone, go see doctors alone, to taking a flight every week? OK. Even if I am anxious ... how much you as someone who claims wanted to encouragement through your sms is doing exactly, the so called encouragement?

I feel so offended by what he sent me. Seriously.... I call this hypocrite because they also said it, ask people to do it and yet, they do nothing about it. You know what? I have told myself that whichever church has more people to ask me to go to the church, I will go to that church. So far, none from my previous church and I knew, they have forgotten all about me for a long long time now. That's what they wishes.... that I am gone forever, that I am disappear from their presence. I guess, I have decided... I will not return to this forever in my life.

Speaking of encouragement... I have received none so far, except God Himself. If He is all I need, I believe, He wouldn't create Eve.

- Encouragement? -

A moment!

I found a place and sat down... and after about 30 minutes (still another 30 minutes to wait for the service to start), I overheard someone's conversation behind me. "I am Ma Sxx Koxx's youngest brother". Damn... among around 1500 people in 3 different places, he is actually sitting bdhing me? I hold my anger... I wanted so much to turn around and punch him on his face for destroying my life entirely.... he has spoiled not only my life, he spoiled my reputation, my goodwill, etc. I turned, I saw him talking so loudly with the other person who claimed to be Ma Sxx Koxx's good friend. Come on... I too know him personally and I grew up with him and his daughters. But in terms of personallity, goodnes.... they are so different. One is angel, one is ghost...

The service started and when we were at the preaching sessions, he doesn't seems to be able to hold his mouth close. He was talking with the people next to him and the noise just got louder and louder. For the second time, I feel so much to turn around and shouted at him and punch him on his face.

When we were suppose to give "peace" to people around us, I purposely didn't turn my back to greet him. Just for one reason. I know I will punch him on his face and see his nose bleed. He is such a bastard who has a son who is a son of a bastard ... ! Oh well... I am not any good either i know.... I am not someone who can forgive especially when the wrongdoer doesn't apologise. I hold on grudge.... i am a bastard myself... well? Why not? After all, being nice will only means "stupid" right?

- A moment! -

Message that speaks my heart out...

Today is the day Archdeacon John Yeo is to be consecrated as assistant bishop of the Diocese of Sabah. I was reluctant to attend at first, but ... since Annie has encouraged me a few times, I went... and it's not a mistake that I went. The message delivered by Archbishop of South East Asia, Dr John Chew was really good. It's a message and a teaching given to all the ministers... that they should be the real life model for all their "sheep". He stressed that they must do what they asked their "sheep" to do. They must not just say and preach and didn't do anything just like any of the party that's ready for election. They must deliver what they promise, what they said and/or preached.

I always put the above, those who just said and preached but yet didn't do anything about it themselves... as "hypocrite". May ministers these days talks about sharing gospel, reaching out to those who are not reachable, mission works... etc... and yet, many forgets about their "neighbour". Love your neighbour as yourself... and are they? Are we? No. I am not pointing my fingers on others for their failure.... I am merely saying.... none has done it at all. It's the ultimate pain where I realised I am by now being totally neglected and being forgotten at all... is this what church and ministers should do? All they are saying is that, it's my own fault... is it really just my own fault?

I think tonight's message was really good...

- Message that speaks my heart out ... -

Fear 2!

I was at my last post told you how bad fear overcame me ... this morning, someone message me and asked me whether I am alright with my new place. To be honest, I feel much better here being the only 3 units that's staying in these 3 new blocks of condominium... than staying at the previoius place. I have less fear than i was at the old place even though I have so many neighbours around me then... this is so ridiculous...!!!

- Fear 2! -

Fear?

If I didn't move to another place yesterday with friends, I wouldn't have realised how fearful I was before this. Friends had the opinion that I hide myself at home so badly for the past few months. First, she discovered that I have stored up many can foods, many rice, many other things at home ... After that, we discovered food in my room... then, we discovered a stick and a hammer next to my bed and she looked at me and said: "I think you were in a terrible fear before this, did you?" Seriously.... why is there a hammer next to my bed again? Was I at life threatening situation that's really that bad? May be I was huh? I know that fear I had.... surpasses everything else... even to risk my dad's health and life.

The worse thing is not the past... the worse is, I am still suffering from it. The gym room is just 5 minutes away from where I am ... and I am feeling the fear to even go to the gym room. Worse still, I wanted so much to go to church this morning... but the fear took over... fear to meet people, fear to get in touch with people....

I guess, I am seriously.... in fear, don't you think? Trust me, I hate this more than anyone else, but at the same time.... I have failed so far to overcome it... may be, just may be... i need someone to help me with this at the moment. Well... there's no one...

-Fear? -

Ridiculous!

1. Some people keep telling me they care and love me but yet, they have left me alone, ceased communication with me, etc. I wonder what do they mean by telling me that they care. It's ridiculous.

2. Today is the 4th time I was asked which church I am attending these days. Instead of loving and caring for their church member, they have disowned me and now, push that blame on me saying, I have left the church myself. Did I? All I know is when I needed the church and friends the most, I was left alone completely. I wonder if anyone understand the feeling of being rejected and disowned completely. Not only they didn't give help and encouragement, I was and still being left alone to handle things alone. Shall I believe that this is what church and friends are for? Why do i need them now? This is so ridiculous ...

3. I lives more comfortable and closer to God without church because I fianlly get myself out from all the hypocrites. This is ridiculous. Didn't God says we have to have fellowship in order for us to be closer to Him? I don't get that at all.... This is ridiculous.

4. I was at a country where I was told they needed the Lord desperately years ago. When I got there, I met people who has more passion for Christ then myself. And the most ridiculous thing is, the eldest told me I should be a blessed one because both my father and my brother are a priest. Holy Spirit shall be overflowing in me. Ridiculously.... I fall down completely because of priest, spiritual leader... and what they did to me.

5. I have a missionary physical body but I don't have the missionary mind and heart. My body and myself adapted very well in all sorts of circumstances. However, I don't have compassion towards the sick, the widows and the orphants. I think they deserve it because they failed to do something about it at first. I am particularly ridiculous in my heart...

6. I have love and care for my friends for years and at the time when I needed them the most, they have left me alone all by myself and even if I am dead tonight, they won't care about me. It is so ridiculous when someone whom I have not contacted from the past 12 years came and look for me and told me he loves me and he wants me to marry him. This is ridiculous....

7. I have to beg my office boy to help me with works. I have to bargain with him. This is ridiculous...

8. Ever since I was born, I am like my dad who loves others more than people around us. We lives for others. Somehow.... that love, that passion to love.... is gone... and dead. This is ridiculous. Why should I love others and hurt myself at the end?

9. I have gained everything except friends and church in a month after losing everything for 6 months.. this is ridiculous...

10. Instead of afraid that i am depressed, my dr seems to afraid that I get too active instead. haha... Ridiculous!

- Ridiculous! -

Reborn!

After a few weeks of preparing, to die to be made whole... I finally landed at a place where I never think I will have chance to return anymore. After a good breakfast at the 2nd airport I landed on the trip, I met up with a friend and then, we travel again to the next destination. Along the way, I finally had the chance to share and told her what exactly frustrates me about church and friends. I am glad finally someone understand completely why I said I cannot stand anymore at the church full of hypocrites. For the past few months, I came to know and experienced even more of the 'hyppocrites situation' where I must say, I have failed to control myself to accept the fact and let it not affect me. It somehow does. Yes, probably my focus has shifted, but I seriously having hard time blend into it and to be equally yoke with them. I am not sure if I have failed God or God failed me through His servants and people.

Does this place that I visited needs us? That's the first question came into my mind when I landed and met with the eldest. I am glad I met non-hypocrites because they are probably the first generation who came to accept Christ and they are so true in their serving and living for Him. The passions that they have, the guts that they have, the love that they have, ... it's not of a hypocrites. Instead, telling them that I am from a christian family, whom both my father and my brother are priest has make me feel so shameful. I was the hypocrites among them.

Being a professional and lived among them, I feel so shameful of being me. I hates the church and people here in this place.... until now, no one seems care enough to find out what caused me to be so depressed. Church has been one major part of my life. Losing the big part in my life, has left a very big and major hole in my life of which I have failed to get used to and caused me to be depressed. I am not sure how many realised that.... that explains why am I going back to my home church every week for Him. I need that 'emptiness' to be filled in order for me to get well. Instead of being understanding and being loving.... another big part of my life suddenly left me leaving the other 1/4 part of me being left blank.... and that... has added to the sickness... of which, no one seems wanting to care at all.

Well, I guess that's alright to me for now... I am not the one who cease all the communications. They did it. God is my witness. It explains completely what they want. I respect their decision.

Am I reborn? Well... At least my mind is working fine at the moment... been thinking a lot... about God, about His creation, wonder what pleases Him and what's not. When the corn fields has been my toilets, I thank the Lord how tough of a life I can go through.., when friend was bitten terribly by insects and I am not, I thank the Lord for His protection and I remember how I was trained since young to be tough.... I am back.

- Reborn! -

Ended!

Yup! Guess it is time for those who wish and waiting for this outcome to arrive to celebrate their victory. I am sure they are proud of what they have done. All I have to say is, "well done". You got what you want and wish to. There won't be me around to disturb your life anymore and I know you are happy with your life without me.

For those who has sacrifies time and hard work for the past few months, thanks... but I guess the hurt is too huge and your sacrifies and hard work is in vain. I am sorry.... looks like God and your hard work somehow is not effective after all.

-Ended! -

Next step...

It has been for months now that the thoughts of sending in complains to JKNS and the Daily Express on breaching confidentiality by a doctor and a pharmacist was in me and my good doctor told me, may be I do not want to do that when my mood picks up. But I guess, he was wrong. My mood did picked up but the better my mood is, the better I feel like doing it and so, I have decided to do it. After all, they doesn't seems to feel regret of what they did and they think what they did is correct. So, I guess, they should learn the lesson.

I am sure, people that will get involved for the investigation will includes the doctor's parents, some church members, one or two of the priests and pastors and also the Bishop. Well, only if thing goes that far and I am sure, for Daily express hotline, I will have to put in the full story and coverage to includes all of them in the said 'story'.

The write up and letters are prepared. Schedule to released to the relevant party tomorrow. I am excited. Am I getting insane? Well, didn't I tell you I gave up few days ago? So, what's the 'problem'? right? After all, this is what they have been waiting for and that's what they want to happen to me isn't it? Not to be recovered and to give up and to be insane and kill myself? Well, let it be their ways then... They win! I just want to do one last thing I wish to do in this world, that's it. :)

- next step ... -

I gave up!

For many months now that I was having the thoughts of giving up and only recently, I declare that I truly gave up. Don't get me wrong, it's not me who gave up first. I only make this decision after months of being gave up by God, church, friends and people arounds me. If you are one of them and this is what you wish to see and get, you have it your way. I can tell you now that I gave up on you because you gave up on me months ago for few months now. It's not a short time trying to fight not to give up, but I guess, I am encouraged somehow by you all to give up. So, I do. I gave up! I hope you are proud to have done this to me.

- I gave up! -

Best week of the year!

No no no... it's not that I have won a lottery nor earned a million this week. It's not I found a lover or having some friends around. None of those make me having the best week of the year. The best week of the year is made out by me found myself. What does that mean? Haha.... well, only those have lost all those important things and people in the world will understand what it means when he/she found themselves again after all the losses. This is the second time I lost 'everything' in my life. Compare to the previous one, this one is worse as the previous one was lost of possessions and my past, but this time, I lost people, health, friends, parent, myself, career and all.

It's the best week of the year because I have make it a point that all that I lost shall end. I am glad to have some friends who tried very hard to get me out from the apartment, to try to cope with me, to suffer the terror of waited at the airport for one hour plus, to suffer my last minutes cancellation of meeting and fellowship, etc. Your patience is amazing. For those who left me when things first started, you have shown me you are not needed in my life and you have put all the efforts to make sure I stop bothering you, you have it your way now. I appreciate your efforts for telling me I am not wanted in your life and you want to get rid of me. I appreciate the truth you told me all these months. You have it your way now and so, you can now stay away from my life forever...

It's a week that I found satisfaction of living once again. The regaining life with the 'bad sectors' feeling is... amazing!

- Best week of the year! -

Exhausted but satisfied

It has been for so long that I have not been feeling so exhausted because of work before. Travelling, drafting, meeting clients (including attending people who are not our clients), arranging things in the office, attending courts, researching, etc... and it has not stopped. Glad that I am asked for dinner tonight. Otherwise, I think bread would be my best company tonight.

I am exhausted but satisfied!

- Exhausted but satisfied! -

1st programme of the month is over...

Wow... it's an interesting weekend. I attended a conference that cost about RM3,200.00 just over the weekend. It's very informative and I have learned so much about arbitration. The best part is that I get to talked to a lots of the registered arbitrators about how successful West Malaysia in doing this and how Sabah should do it together with the west Malaysia lawyers, etc. This is something very new in Sabah, but the law itself is not new. I gets to look at different countries across asia pacific of how things goes at their countries... learned so much.

Well, I managed to meet those truely good friends and get to go to the bookstore. I gets to eat what I wanted to eat and even thought the check in counter was closed when I reached airport, God has somehow moved the hearts of 2 very nice man to helped me out.... it's a smooth, wonderful, adventerous and fruitful trip indeed, even though it's only last 3 days... and I am exhausted.

All tickets to China was purchased over the weekend as well and I am glad, I managed to took a good deal of the tickets ... nice... this week's plan is to finish up the loan application and sale and purchase for my own case. That reminds me how wonderful God is, a brother in Christ and in law has given me a good deal of the loan legal documentations too...

Alright, I must admit, God exist and He is rock!

- 1st programme of the month is over .... -

Looking forward....

I have to set myself some goals in order for myself to feel that I am of such worthiness... and so, this month is sorts of full with something to look forward to. I hope by the time I get back to the office on the 7th, accounts and all shall be sorted out and of course, the arrangement in the office, including the arrivals of new chairs and computer. On the 8th, I will be on my way to the Asia Pacific Region Arbitration Conference in KL (by invitation). When I get back, that week will be a busy week for me to attend some courts and also to sort out the accounts for the office. Thereafter, a mission trip is confirmed ... at the end of the month. I guess, this month is full of something to look forward to.

As I am making progress and getting 'better', everything can be handle just so simple. Many people thinks weird why I needed some company and seems so dependent lately. Well, to be honest, it shock me too and that was just not me at all. For the past 20 over years, I have been living independently and alone and I always enjoyed being alone. There's no way, I am feeling otherwise just these few months (probably for years now). It's weird. I foudn it weird and something not of an ordinary. Since I am getting back to that 'track' now, I am seriously feeling I am back. I am not 'chain' by things and people arounds me anymore. I can just do what I want to. The feeling is great! I am once again feeling the 'freedom' I used to felt....

I am seriously looking forward for everyday of this month to come my way... and I will definately enjoying it ... to the full!

- Looking forward ... -

New Start...

I set today as a new start of my life months ago and so, when yesterday was ended with watching Transformer, today, it started with waking up late and great breakfast with a good friend. Thereafter, it's sorting out some office works as I will only be back to KK next Thursday. It's a transition period for everyone in the office as I will only retain one of my colleague and so, as a boss, I have made some arrangement. I have made the extra room as filing room. Moved the table and chair at the LA room to downstairs, to be used by my colleague. Bought some furnitures and trying to make sure, the office is 'active'. I am thinking of doing some painting on the office soon and to make a signboard with clearer address. I pushed everyone to work very hard in the office to make sure the office is running smoothly. The "bossy" me has came out once again to make sure things are in order.

After all the moving and running around, finally I got home around 6 something and I started to get ready to meet my brother and his family. They arrived around 8pm and we went for some grocery shopping (bought the kids some biscuits and breakfast) and brought them for dinner. It's a great night. Today, marked the first day of a new chapter of life in my life. Every 'bad' things seems gone... and I proclaimed that, everything which was 'bad', be restored as 'good' from now.

It's going to be a tough 6 months, but... I am willing, so willing to try it up. Unless God says stop, otherwise, I will be continue with what I am doing....

- New Start... -

Productivity

I cannot remember when was the last time I go in to my office with my office wear. It has been too long. I gave myself 6 months to rest and to pick myself up and it seems like I am one week earlier...

My schedule this week is so full until I do not know which one to do first. I have done most of it as I am going home for a few more days longer next week. Life has been great for the past week. Glad to have some really nice friends to be around. From my total rejection, they have stand firm and stand by .... persevering all the non-sense emotions and actions from me. I found them amazing. I guess somehow, I am 'touched' by what they did.

Well, I cannot wait to go home this weekend to paint the rest of the places and to fix some of the cupboards and, to trim the mango trees.

Oooooo.. ya, and the kids and my brother and sister in law are coming back by this Friday. It's a very productive day today really.... from 8am until 7pm, I was working non-stop. I know there's more to come as I need to start doing all the accounting preparation. (as you notice, my mind isn't function that well already. I am exhausted, it's time to call it a day....)

- Productivity-

De-stressing / relaxing...

There are many ways people do to relax themselves and I always have difficulties finding ways to just relax myself. Most people choose sleeping, reading books, having a cup of coffee at the beach side and me, those just not helping. I have always wonder what will help myself to relax.

I realised these few weeks that going shopping is NOT what will help me relax. Having a good full meal is NOT something I can do to relax myself. It's doing more things that will...

Over the weekend, I have painted my mom's kitchen which I have always wanted to paint. I have another toilet to do and I am going to do it this coming weekend. I have also cut down a tree and there are a few more mangoes trees' branches that's needed to be cut. I have cleaned the garden a little bit. Just before I am going off, I fixed a cupboard that's lying there to be fixed.

You think I am doing so much and that's not a way to relax? Nope. That's exactly not the case. I feel so relax and satisfactory..... So, I told my mom, that I plan to pain the whole house... bit by bit. She laughed. hahahaha...

Well... I am seriously relaxing on my lazy chair now.... online, watching TV ... Looks like I am feeling much better already.

- De-stressing / relaxing ... -

Bad service

As a perfectionist, I always expect things, especially services be done in the satisfactory way. My previous friends told me my expectation is a bit too high sometimes. I beg to defer. I think expectation came in 2 ways and it's not just one way. They think my expectation is high because they expect my expectation is not as high. Either way, I think we all expect certain things from each others of which .... we fails each others.

I asked a favour of a friend to send me to airport this morning as I am seriously running out of cash for taxi these days. So, she told me she have to send me to the airport at 10am if I do not mind. I don't. Because I can do my work, drafting and organising in the airport cafeteria. She came at 10am. My flight is 12:20pm. So, I have an hour plus to sort out some works and send out some draft agreements, etc. When I sat down, a waitress was here giving me a menu and she walked away. I don't need food. I bought my water too. So, basically, if they don't chase me out of the cafeteria because I do not order anything, I am fine with a table and a chair. It's 11:21am now. I sat there for more than an hour. A waitress did came and I told her I wanted Esprit Carbonated Fruit drink (Lemon Lime) and she took the order and walked off. That's about 40 minutes ago. Until now, my order is still not here and I am done with my works (while waiting for my clerk to email me another stack of docs for me to continue).

I did a few more organising on accounting packages, organising offices, etc. No one seems bother...

I wonder if this is what a developing country has when it come to servicing clients? Or, they thought I am a student and that's why they think I do not have money to pay for the RM7.90 drink?

Oh well... it's a bad service. Not my expectation seriously.... just their terrible bad service.

- Bad service -