Tragedy!

Tragedy has never strike me at the same time except last year of course, where not only one issue, but at least 5 issues came at the same time, lasted for 10 months... wow... it's crazy!  This time... losses of contacts and phones at the same time strikes me.  Good.  Now, i will know who i am still in contact with and who is not.  Those who are not, i will not have their numbers.  For those who are contacting me, i will of course save it one by one.  Phew, i am sure this time, my contact will have not more than 500 and I can save it on my SIM card. hahahahaha....

Yes, life without a phone.  It's peaceful but yet... but then I have to constantly checking of whether there's fax, there's phone calls from office, etc. Interesting, but, i like the peaceful few days. 

So, I have lost everything before.  And I have lost all friends and support before. And now, contacts? haha... I know I can survive anyhow.  Amazing! He sure loves to make jokes with me. 

-Tragedy! - 

That feeling....

After not being picked up and send off .. I suddenly have that feeling where I am getting ready for someone to pick me up and send me to 'school'.  Of course instead of school, it's to work today. That reminds me about waiting for dad to come home every single day, either during lunch time or after work.  Everyone at home knows I can recognised the engine of the car efficiently.  Dad called that as I am having a 'dog ear'. hehe...  well, standing at the door, waiting for my dad to return home... that's when I was young.  When I started to work, dad has gone retired and ... by then, he send me to work, picked me up and ... if I drives that day, he will be standing there, waiting for me to return home for lunch or after work.  It's a precious moment to remember because I don't think we always get the chance to do things the other round.  I worked  in Tawau only for 4 months and that 4 months... I really treasure it, even though I don't really like the life in Tawau.  But being able to spent some time with my parents and doing what they used to do for me, is a pleasure.  

While waiting for a friend to come and pick me up and send me to office today, ... I am reminded of those times in Tawau... and I do miss my parents... :) 

Reliance?

I grew up knowing that God is the only one that I can rely on in life. I grew up in church and church has been a big part of my life, even though I was very passive then and reluctant to be known.  Yes, some people just have the character of not wanting others to know them well and I am one of them.  God has changed me since 9 after I was admitted in the hospital and heard His voice talking to me with my physical ear.  That year I remember, I gave my life to the Lord, .. and promise that I will serve Him no matter how hard it is.  I made a wish.. and that has been my wish ever since:  that He will continue to use me in His work. I realised, without being able to serve Him, life is meaningless.  God must have heard my prayer and the utmost fear in me was that He will not use me anymore.  Hence, no matter where I go, God is the only one I relied on.  I have never open myself up to human being because I believe, there's no one in this earth is worth my efforts and love.  Since young, knowing that I have a very unique character, my parents have make lot and lot of efforts to try to understand what's in my mind and what are the exact way to help me.  I am glad they realised I am 'different' and they have accepted me as who I am.  I grew up not knowing how to rely on people around me.  I have somehow, failed to get alone with people and I am still failing.  that's my ultimate weaknesses.
People somehow has misconception about my character and attitudes.  For wanting to 'serve' people well, people think I am being possessive.  For not being able to cope with 'non fix' things around me, it annoyed me.  Not that I wanted to get things sorted.... I hates sorting things too.  But for not sorting mistakes, not sorting conflicts, not sorting things that's not right, it annoyed me a lot more. I can't cope with others's imperfection.  I can't cope others' 'waiting' moment.  And so, I rather go solve things out myself instead of waiting for them to get things done.  i.e.  I have to wait until Monday for my car to be send it to get the door fixed and it frustrates me since yesterday ... and mood today is terrible.  I probably end up bringing some screw and tools to try to fix it myself before Monday comes.  OCD? I have checked. Nope. I am not.  hahaha...
I can't rely on my brother and/or anyone in his family to help me with things, except probably my nephew because he is as 'fast' as I am in terms of sorting things.  And I realised he is more like me than his sister even though his sister's character is almost 98% like me, according to my brother and my mom.  Well, they could have been wrong. hahaha...
Well,.... There's no one in this world I can rely on to lives and I am not relying on anyone, even though I did tried ... for the a few years.  Obviously, ... that would be the last time.  So, before i get old and need others to take care of me, I need to make sure I am dead by then. hahaha... how to be sure? well, I will go for mission and mission and mission until i get killed :) I will make sure that happen.  hahaha....
So, who am I rely to lives? No one and I am contented with what I have and do.  Church or not these days, doesn't really matter.... because God is what I need. Not church. But I will still go see my Godson Nathan tomorrow. Miss him so much....hehe...
- Reliance? -

Blames? Evidence? Wrongdoing?

It's fun when we are expose to something like this.  Remember 2 years ago I was totally being 'talked about' ... and seriously, until today, I have not known exactly how many versions out there... but none was correct. I believe only God's version is correct because He saw it in the most thorough angle. hehehe... well, whatever people wants to talk about, we can't really stop them.  I was and is lazy to raise the issue and explain myself until today.  I guess, Bishop Albert too.....  despite being talked, being asked to show evidence, being accused.  I wonder for one issue here:  Why everyone is asking others to show evidence? Ops... coming from a lawyer who got A+ in the subject of Evidence, both for Degree and Bar exams.... I have to quote the Malaysia Evidence Section 101 and Section 103.  Goodness, why are you accusing someone and then ask someone to produce and evidence? The one who wants to accuse others or charge others as guilty, you are to produce evidence first.  If you do not have the evidence, there's no way the accused is to rebute and show evidence.  It's weird... people who LOVES to put blames of others in our community only knows a little bit about law, but ... they act and sounds like they know it best.  They keep telling the accused:  PROVE TO US, SHOW US EVIDENCE, etc.  hehe.. I will be asking the same :  you said I abscond money?  Prove first.  Evidence please.
Everyone knows, the prosecution has to proves their case beyond reasonable doubt (criminal standard of proof) first = the case is prima facie , only then the Judge will ask the accused to put in their defence.  If you haven't have a prima facie case first, stop asking for defence.
A friend's hotel's guest claimed that he has about RM12.5K in the room being stolen while he was being hospitalised due to an accident.  The police can't find any evidence from the hotel guest that 1, he has RM12.5K, 2.  that it's the hotel worker who has stolen it. 3.  there's such money or transaction.  in a way, a case won't stand for mere talking and accusing.  The police didn't charge the hotel worker.  But the hotel guest insisted it's her.  I wonder since when this peace of law came into existence... that people can just started to put their fingers blaming others for certain things without any evidence?
The more i read the blog posted by some people about Bishop Albert and all.... the more I am 'entertained' by their stupidity and ignorance.  I told a few that, "Now, we have all the evidence for defamation".  hahaha.. in a way, they are pinning themselves in the wall ... to be executed soon. hahahahaha... mere stupid.  Come on, if anyone has the evidence, go for it.... proof Bishop Albert is wrong and get over the issue.
No.  Don't get me wrong.  I am not siding anyone here.  I am not God.  I don't see the whole picture and I don't judge who is right and wrong.  I believe, everyone is wrong here, including myself.  Who says they are not wrong, you can throw and cast the stone to stone Bishop Albert first. Go ahead.
Everyone claims they pray and read the bible as if that's all will determine if they are speaking the truth and a good people.  Do you want me to bring you to prison and show you how many of them are still praying and reading the bible everyday? Do you think Hitler never read the bible and pray? Come on people....!!!!  Don't defame's God's name ok? Don't simply use His name to defend your own's act, be it good or bad.  It's you, your action and your words... ! Don't use God's name in vain.
If you ask the question of What Will Jesus Do?  ... I wonder ... if you know the answer...  now. If not, please go back and read the bible and know Jesus more... before you act in foolishness.
- Blames? Evidence? Wrongdoing? -

Taking advantage?

I do have friends who always asked me to bill them after I helped them with some amendment and drafting.  I usually don't bother much about billing them because it's just amendment and not drafting from scratch.  Some are very considerate.  Some, took my 'good will' for granted.  To be honest, it has been out of 'willingness' when you serve your cell members as a leader/servant.  To wash their feet is what I learned and taught others to do.  Many remember this until today.  Sacrifice is what we, the leaders needs to take and have as first criteria to be a leader.  At least, for those under me, they will need to learn how to sacrifice.  There's in many times, in many ways, out of own convenience and out of own willingness and out of own's selfishness, I sacrificed to make sure my 'master' was and is served happily.  No matter how much I wanted to cry for sacrificing, ... I told myself 'I can do it'.  Many times in the past, I have do it more than what I need and willing to.  I remember someone told me I once told them, even if we are not happy and angry and very emotional, ... when we stand on the stage and start leading for the night, we shouldn't show our emotions.  We have to focus on the programmes, on that night, on the fellowship, on making sure everyone is served and happy.  It's hard, but just because I can't do it, everyone knows, it's not impossible to do it.  haha.. Some of you of course still remember those 'terrible time' you need to get through with me.  Bravo to you all! After sacrificed for years to serve this bunch of people in this church.... at the time when I needed them the most, a simple word of "We do have our own life and we can't help you" or "I believe you need someone else to help you, definitely not me", "I can't help you, I am stressed out with work" or "I don't know how to help you, I am sorry.  Please get someone else" were all thrown to me.  Haha... I have seriously learned a new lesson here. ... Next time, when someone is asking me for help, or telling me they have problem, i will just tell them the same thing.  I started to believe that, ... whatever extra miles we said we should do, is bullshit.  Whatever the church tells us about love each others as yourself, is bullshit.  Or whatever you friends tell you that they love you, it's bullshit too.  All they will do and say at the time of your hardship, was to disappeared and tell you, "we still love you, ... don't give up, bear your own cross.. and pray.  we can't help you. it's out of our capacity.". hahaha..... Until today, seriously, i can't click between the 2 scenario.  However, I will try to understand what I am asked to learned these 2 years.
Taking advantage from my sacrifices? I guess everyone was...............  so, for now, whoever needs help, pay first.  Trust me, I am not going to sacrifice anything to help. Not any extra energy or tear... unless I am paid for. hehe...
- taking advantage? -

Referral!

Someone who married a doctor thought she has all the authority and she can do a lot to 'help' and so she said 'if you need any help to refer to a specialist, let us know'. Haha... of course she didn't know i just came down from SMC neurosurgeon. At her level, she won't know all my friends now are more senior than her husband. Young people always think they own the whole world. If i need a referral, i only need a phone call.  It's all about whom i want to choose to call to bless me. It's stupid to think i only have them to call help from. I will never look back. I'll never need and want them back anymore. They have left a black mark in my life. But eventually, it will only be one dot. Am i angry? I am disappointed. I will never waste a second to put effort on any of them ever.

- Referral -

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Holiday!

It's a wonderful trip.  Last minute plan but brilliant resting trip.  No more searching for food, no more searching for things, ... straight to the shop and grabs what I wanted and paid for it.  Lives in a place like I lives there...thanks for cousins who allows me to go in and out the place....except, worrying them if I start forgetting how to go home. hahaha.... anyway, nice ... relaxing and fun trip.  I love the 2 weeks away, meeting old friends I haven't seen for years.  Glad to met Alan Thu and Leo Ngan.  Thanks for coming out for a drink despite the busy schedule as boss and professor.
These 2 weeks have been very relaxing and very very very very .... refreshing!  I love it.  Next.... trip in August, then September, October, December and April next year.  People, I am coming to see you before I forget your face. Stay tuned.
- Holiday! -