It's been months if not years that I have been struggling to give up everything to venture into something else. There are 3 things that I should be sorting and applying and pursuing and I have given myself a deadline until September this year. I was reluctant to pursue because it required quite a bit of sacrifice, such as leaving Sabah, giving up all my properties (selling them off), moving to a new place with no friends and community (not that I have any now also). I probably being left again with no money, no certainty in life, no future, etc.etc. Well, only God knows... but that first step is not something easy to take to begin with. So, I have been procrastinating.
Last weekend, upon being invited, I visited my uncle who is dying of cancer. His condition has not been well and deteriorating. So, I travelled to Sandakan with my cousin and her husband flew to Sandakan from Kuala Lumpur. We met up, spent some time with my uncle and aunty together with my mother, my aunty Anna and her husband. My mind was brought back to many years ago, when I came back from UK after I failed one of my paper - Torts, where I was at the verge of giving up pursuing my studies and return to Malaysia for good. It was this uncle who encouraged me to never give up, even though I have to resit for more than 5 times, I should not give up and that's from a very strict headmaster of a school. I recalled a few conversations I had with him (I don't have many conversations with him because I am the youngest in the family and I hardly has the chance to talk to him), I recalled another conversation over the phone (he called to check on my mom after dad passed away and I picked up the call), and he took the opportunity to ask me how I am doing, reaffirming me that it's good to be back to Sabah for good, that KK is good, don't keep thinking about taking care of parents, pursuing happiness in life, etc. This visit, besides asking me how tough the law profession is for me, etc, he's somehow fascinated about me going to mission trip once or twice a year. I like how he 'check' on me. He nodded his head when I said once or twice of the year and asked me if I have any plans to go to China, etc. I told him I did went and it's getting tougher these days and he said, find ways! Oh, when this coming out from someone who is not so devoted... it pierces my heart.
On Sunday, while I was falling asleep in the pew.... listening to the sermon (very long-winded), i somehow being reminded that, even though it is not a very promising future, but if that's God's will and your tasks to fulfil, you have to give up everything and fulfilled it anyhow.
Over the weekend, I was reminded of a few things: -
(a) Never give up is the right way to go;
(b) Just to continue this routine of life until the moment I died is not the way I prefer to lives up to;
(c) Take all the opportunity to fulfil God's assignment to me while I still have the ability to;
(d) Put down my own desire and fear, trust in the Lord and moves forward; and
(e) Giving up comforts and willing to step out.
It's sad to leave Sandakan knowing that it's probably the last time I will see my uncle, but like he said, while we are young and able, do as much to live a life that wins God's approval. I seriously need to be willing to put down all the comforts I have now in order to win His approval. Lord, help me!
* first step of comfort is in 2 weeks time. I am freaking out seriously...
- Willingness vs. Comforts -
