End of 2014

Somehow, when my mind reach the entering of 2015, my heart and body shakes...  it must be the uncertainty due to GST, due to bad economic, etc.  Nothing seems promising.  Everyone talks about their fear and except those who are working for others, the rest of us have not been having good sleeps ever since the announcement of implementing the GST.

To come to think of it, nothing seems to be promising and all all these while to be serious... and so, I asked God once again.... am I not putting my life in your hand and that I let you lead me through? Have I ever once in the past few years, had suffered financial constrains and yet cannot cope with it? Financial difficulties has never left me. It is still and it might be still in the future.  So, what am I afraid of if i have God to be with me?

This morning, a long waited result from the Land office finally arrived after 3 months of waiting.  It's in my favour.  Again, I have not lose a case this year, still. No record has been break until this 2nd last week of 2014.

I am not sure if this will be better or worse, but I do know, I am contented.  I have not lack of anything so far.  In 2014, I have had the chance to go back to England again.  Going 'home' always warmed my heart and pushed me to walk further.  It's a motivation.  With so many disasters for Malaysia in 2014, it finally will end soon.  I hope next year, life will be better for everyone.

- End of 2014 -

Needs? Desire?

I am taking a scale on my hand, putting some 'values' on the left and to the right..... and I am considering to withdraw from my LLM programme which I have put so much efforts on for the past one year.  Simply because due to some misunderstanding, the actual fees invoiced is not as what I was told and/or expected and/or budgeted.  So, either, I stop it, or I continue.
I have been asking the same question again and again as to whether I need to study this course.  It would definitely something 'earned' if I do want to continue.  But at the same time, I am not rich.  I do not have 'extra' cash to study.  It will add on to the financial burden I have been carrying on.  Life might not be as 'luxury' and comfortable if I wish to continue.
I was thinking to withdraw the course yesterday.  Today, I just wanted to continue for another semester if that's allowed (at the time of writing, I am still waiting for email from my personal tutor).

Do i need the course? Well, seriously.... I don't know.  To use it for my professional career, may be not.  To embark into teaching career, may be yes.  To give me something to look forward to and to motivate me and to keep me sane, definitely yes.  I seriously do not have much things to look forward to in life.  I do not have a child that's growing up and expecting my child to reach different level of age and life, etc.  No.  I do not have much to 'expect'.  If I am losing this, I guess, all i have is at work.  I have lost my 'services' in the church for years now. Now with this.... all i am worry is, whether i will go depress again.

So, besides work, it will be home to watch TV and that's all?

I don't know seriously.....

- Needs? Desire? -

Different feeling....

While others are preparing for the arrival of Christmas, I have the task to finish off 2 assignments which due on the 5th January 2015.  I am half way through one of them, which I hope I can finish it by Monday and to start another one on Tuesday onwards.  Well, I am hoping that I can finish everything before I go back for Christmas on the 21st day of December 2014.  

FB has been showing a lot of pictures and events going on during this Christmas season.  That reminds me, usually during this week of every year, I will be very busy writing christmas card to be send out before the 5th so that it will reach before Christmas.  Besides that, I usually gets very busy with carolling, with church events, with practices, etc. etc.  I was trying to remember when was the last time I had that.  I guess it's 2010. I didn't manage to go to church in 2011 Christmas due to my sickness. I flew off to HK on the 27th and I was there until 2nd Jan 2012 before I flew back to KL and then to Tawau straight.  I love that few weeks of freedom and holiday, away from work completely and just relax and sleep and chill. Being alone in HK is seriously cool.  No one seems to bothered by me being alone.  They still celebrated Christmas and new year with me, making sure, I get the fun too.  That's what non discrimination means to me. 

Well, I didn't get to attached with a church that needs my service ever since.  And since then, Christmas has been 'peace and quiet' to me.  Spent the last 3 years Christmas with my parents.  Baked some cakes and biscuits, cooked some meals and decorated my balcony at KK condo.  Relaxing... seriously...... and I forgot what sort of fun I have on Christmas.  Seriously, I do miss being part of the 'celebration' but may be it is an age thing.... I feel I do need some peace and quiet.  Seeing some photos friends posted from US and UK, ... that makes me wonder if I can spend one of the Christmas in England again, probably 2016.  Well, let's hope I can finish this course and graduated smoothly by 2016 May and I can choose to have my graduation in November.  Then... I will probably go away for a month or two.  That's the best thing about having join 2 other senior lawyers as partners. 

I guess, I have never get myself adopted in Malaysia after all.  Was the conviction i had was manifested in the wrong way? Did He not sent me back here to serve Him? What have I done for the past 14 years doesn't seems to have make any sense to this calling at all.  Worse still, I got defeated because I stand up for Him.  I am still catching my breath... but at the same time, inside me, I am crying out to God, to send me back.  "I want to go home".  That's what I am shouting every single minute of life.  Lord... please...!!!

I won't be able to know what will happen to be these few months if not because of my studies.  Life become so meaningless... 

This Christmas?  I guess it is another year I am calling out to God to let me have a good sleep and rest before I return to work.  I have completely lack of passion and expectation towards Christmas. Be it, the real meaning or any other meaning... 

- Different feeling ... - 

Wishes

Everyone has wishes...... something they want to do, something they always wanted.  Most people want to have a husband or a wife and to build their family and some just want to be millionaire.  Some just want to be an accountant, a lawyer, the famous interior designer, and the list go on.  I became a lawyer not because I wanted to.  It's something my mother wanted me to be.  Having said that, now I think she changed her mind and she rather I got married to a man instead.  Too bad, I went with the idea of becoming a lawyer (putting all my bloody efforts on it) because I don't mind being a lawyer.  But I do mind marrying someone and be slaves to that man and to the children for the rest of my life.  Hence, No.  Don't even raise the issue of why am I not marrying, to me.  You will only gets the answer, 'because I don't want to'.
Some people of course think I am unusual, or may be I am a lesbian or may be I have some mental problem that's why I let go for the 'goodness' of becoming a mother, or a wife and in their understanding and principle of life, I have go against God's general command.  Well, go ahead, have your mind ponder over that issue.  All I can say is, I just don't enjoy doing what I don't feel like doing.
So, be it you angry because I am not 'complying' the 'general rules' of this world or the 'wishes' of the majority of people on earth, I will still remain of who I am and be who I want to be.  Be it you don't like the way I dress, the way I look, the way I handle my own things, then just go ahead, sort yourself out and get out of my life.  I don't need your presence to lives my life in a comfortable manner.  My existence does not determine by your approval.
Just because I answers all your request mostly by the word "YES!", it doesn't really means i answer it because of you and/or your request.  Instead, I answer YES simply because of myself. If your request is not too difficult and I feel comfortable with it, I am OK with it.  But if I cannot accept your request or your request doesn't make me feel comfortable, I am sorry..... I will just walk away.
Yes.  May be that's what 'stubborn' is defined.  But that's also what perseverance and determining mean.  I won't give up my 'principle' just because I need to comply with your request and/or the 'general rule'.
I won't want to hurt my ankle again and suffer again for a more severe injuries just because everyone think I should dress up and wear high heels.  The thing is, I don't like to make accountable to others of what I am doing and what I want to do.
Many is asking why is there a need for me to do a Master course.  Put it this way, I didn't do well in my degree and by rights, I am not qualify to even enrol for Master course.  I tried and I got an offer and I do not want to give up on it.  No.  I don't think I can finish the course, but I do enjoy reading and doing home works more than going out for a drink, ironing my husband and children' clothes or cooking for them and all.  I gained a lots of update on the recent law and knowledges just this one year. I don't see why it is bad to do my Master course.
I understand that not many will understand what I am feeling.  But to ask me to get married, it's more like asking me to give up my freedom.  I can't even cope with taking care of my parents.  I cannot imagine how is it like to be taking care of my husband children.  Like those who knows me well said, I probably have hanged myself long ago.
I understand the 'general rule' that God has set.  But you must understand there's always a reason why God never let me get married.  If you cannot find the answer, then stop commenting like you know God better.
I love my friends, those who truly understand me and who never ask me why i do this, why don't i do that, etc.  They just accept me as who I am and never complain.  There aren't a lot of them.  But I appreciate their acceptance and love.  For those who cannot, I guess live is better without you anyway... So, thanks for 'stopping by'.
My wishes? I wish I have million and billions of dollars that I can just go mission without needs to have to think about finances.
- Wishes -

2014 achievement indeed!

Just as expected and it's just as what I told clients earlier on that's what the most I can do, that's to get them win the case, and lose the claim against the lawyer he wanted to goes after.  Indeed, we did it.  It's such a achievement when i manage to win over my master, someone who always think I am not as good and I am not as well trained lawyer.  I remain as who I am.  Be it how many people look after me, or they cannot agree that I am even though do not have the look and pose, but have the brain to win over battles in the court room.  Yes.  Be it I am not as good, as well trained (well, I cannot recall I fall in the hand of an expert and/or any master and/or senior who has really trained me before I go to trial for the first time), I guess they forgot, I am learning from them who are 'practising' in court.  I am basically trained in the battlefield and not in the training field.  That's me.  

So, yes, I do agree that I am not as 'qualify' as many who has the chance to be graduated as Barrister in one of the Inn in England or having a very well senior or master.  My first master, Mr Wong is a corporate expert, not litigation.  My second master in Sabah has never thought me a single thing in court.  So, I agree.  I am not well trained.  I climbed the stairs bit by bit. I have had a lot and a lot of mistakes made and cases lost in the past.  But I have worked very hard each time to learn a bit more.  I am glad enough to have people who is willing to help and to guide me through.  I am thankful enough for wonderful friend and colleagues. 

This case is nothing 'big'.  I won't regard my winning as one of the great achievement.  I certainly never thought that other lawyers would come to me and greeted me for winning the case and to save up the rest of the other similar matters in court.  I am still learning and trying to find out what I can do better in this matter.  But to be able to win over my master who always think I cannot do my job well, it proves that, it probably not just an issue with me.  

I wish I can do better in my career and so, enrolling myself for a master course so I can be updated on the recent development of law to me, is important.  At least, my knowledge and experiences should be better than those who are more senior than me and/or those who has stop going further.  May be not many understand why do I need to get my Master Degree.  It's seriously, not about the title and/or the Master Degree, it is more to the knowledge expansion that I need.  

My mom is the person whom think I shouldn't have take this course at all.  I don't blame her for not being able to understand.  Until today, none of my family member will understand what my job is all about.  I always wanted to blame the HK series who gives wrong impression on people.  Well, reading and reading, research and research ... is what we all do every single day.  Because every facts of each case comes to me, is different in nature and I need to tackle the issues and to find the way to win a case for my clients, whose rights has been jeopardised. It's very discouraging whenever my mom mentioned that I shouldn't take my master course and instead, I should spend more time on other things.  I guess she didn't realised, the only 'wasting time' kind of works i have been doing is on the plane and spending weekend in Tawau.  

If not because of my parents, I think I wouldn't have been 'stagnant' here for so many years, or I don't even have come back to Malaysia in the first place.  Having such a brother made it worse.  Why are they not thinking that, it's them who make me who I am today? I would have had so many social time, or probably have gotten married if not because of being FORCED to take care of my parents.  Studying Master is probably the ONLY thing i enjoy most during this 'suffering period'.  I wonder, if they will ever realised this.  Anyway, I am glad...  I have done 3/6 subjects by end of this month. YES!  I am half way through!!!!

I see 2014 is an achievement because I finally, manage to do something I wanted to for a long time, for myself.  Be it I have to sacrifices my monies, my freedom and time, I still think, it's worth it and I love doing it.  At least, much better than being a 'slave' for a man or a few children.  

Well, I am not asking a lot.  I am just asking, if they can just encourage and support me to go through this 'happiness' with me.  It seems like, they are not.  

Well, 2014 is ending.  Kenneth Thien & Associates is also coming to an end.  I am joining another firm call MP Pang & Co. and operate a branch in KK.  Wishing to have more conveyancing matters coming up soon.  Let's hope by this step of faith, thing will goes further and better soon. 

In terms of finances for this year, amazingly, we survived without having a month we have touched the overdraft facilities YET. God is good all the time indeed!

- 2014 achievement indeed! - 

Achievement?

As one of the student of Edinburgh University, I get updates from the Uni almost everyday of what's happening in the Uni.  Last night, just before I went to bed, I saw an email, inviting us to attend the graduation of law students, online.....and i couldn't help, but to switch off my phone and went to bed. This morning, I woke up, i browse through their website and I found the graduation date for Summer graduation in 2016 has been posted.  I then realised, I have done half of my course by now.  It's a crazy semester, but instead of 6 semester, I opts for 5 and I have done 2, leaving 3 more subjects to complete with a dissertation of 10,000 words.  Will I graduate for my LL.M? Hmm.... let's focus to finish off these 2 subjects for now until Christmas time.  I hope I pass these 2 subjects.  Let's not be so ambitious to achieve greater than that.
Just as I am working very hard in my studies, I too, worked very hard in my work..... trying to win all cases, filed all applications in order to help my clients to get what they want.  I have so far, win all the matters and clients have been happy.  There's this particular one which decision was to be delivered in an hour time, which I am more nervous of.  Clients knew that due to the difficult situation and circumstances, I have done my very best to help.  They know the chances is slim, but they are grateful I have fought for them thus far.  This matter has been postponed for ruling since 11/11/2014 for at least 3 times now.  It seems like the Judge is having a very difficult time in deciding and I have been constantly, being asked to be present.  I am not sure if it is a good or bad thing.  If you ask me, I wish justice prevail, and I win the case.  If you are asking me if I am saying the Plaintiff do not have the rights, i will say, No, they do have the rights.  But i wish my clients who is the victim in this case, can be released from their 'suffering' over the past few years.
I was preparing for this final submission after trial during my exam on Intellectual Property Law - Copyrights and its related laws.  I sacrifice all my time including my holiday with a friend who came to visit me for these 2 matters during that few days.  To a point, I suffered a severe gastric for days. It was not a pleasant experiences, and therefore, I hope, whatever I have submitted, will bear fruits.
So, speaking of achievement, I am taking two matters bravely .... due to the uncertainty of the laws, etc. , I am challenging the law of Malaysia with the international laws.  I hope I don't sacrifice my client's interest when I am making an academic stand out on the issue of Trademark infringement.
It seems like, this year, I am not making achievement financially.  But rather, I guess, I am building up my knowledges and experiences.  I know if I lost the matter today, i might bring the matter to the Court of Appeal.  If I win, i know my opponent will bring it up to the Court of Appeal too.
Achievement? It depends on whether we weight it by monetary terms, or not... and to be honest, I feels that I have achieve more this year than the previous years.
- Achievement? -

Trust or love?

Either it is born with or due to some external factors, I always being regarded as one who do not have confidence in myself. Be it in my studies or sports, or music, or leadership, or making decision, etc. I always doubt myself and my ability. In my family, my mother always scolded me stupid when I was small. She always made comparison about me and my brother. I am never her favourite. Worse still, that later caused me to do everything she wishes me to do in the opposite way. My mom never praise me for things I did well. I always got discouraged and gave up on things easily. Not only my mom. My aunts, my grandma...... All did the same to me. I always feel I am not loved.

I am glad I have a dad who loves me that always encourage me. I remember I did very badly in my math in primary four and I know I will get scolding from my mom. But dad always encourage me to believe in my own ability. He even tried to tell me how much I shouldn't care so much about not being able to do well in math and the important to just do my best. Because of my dad, I did well for a few years. 

It's both my brother and my mother who got me to choose to study art class in form 4. My mom only listens to my brother. My mother think I wouldn't be able to cope well in science. I think I will do better in science. Now I am stuck. Anyway, no one believe in my ability except my dad. The moment when I told him I want to do law, he agrees. After stpm, he knew I wouldn't be able to study law with my result, in the local university, he told me to apply straight to study oversea. My academic result was never promising, but he always stand by me and encourage me, telling me I can do it. 

After working so many years, he gave me confidence to move a step forward to take over the firm from Kenneth. 

In gist, no one believes in me, except my dad. When someone called him and told him I am to kill myself, he was in shock. I msg him immediately and he said he knew I wouldn't do that.  Knowing how difficult depression was for me to handle, he called me every night around 830 when I will be feeling the worse, to just talk about things and get me prepare to sleep. All he told me was things like this will be over, sooner or later. It won't last forever. He knew I can get over with it. 

I might not be a brilliant smart person. I might not be as beautiful as others, or as girly as everyone wants me to be. But he never weight me the way others did. 

Confidence on me..... Or loves me? I think he might not have 100% confidence in me, but he does love me 100%.  That, I am very sure. 

-confidence or love? Love...-

Forgotten? Too busy? Less important?

Seriously, if it is not because someone reminded me, I have totally forgotten about having a blog which I used to update periodically, if not regularly. hahaha...  I just realised that my last update was in August this year.  It has been few months since I last updated it.  Guess my time were occupied fully by my 2 subjects.  I have no idea why did I selected 32 months programmes instead of 36 months and that makes me have to take 2 subjects in one of the semester, which I decided to choose it for this semester because starting next semester, i will have to start preparing and doing my dissertation.  Unfortunately, I will have to choose one of the subject this semester, which is never in my plan, Copyrights and its related laws.  I have no knowledge at all about copyrights.  I only deals with trademarks issues all these while and this is therefore, killing, especially when it covers not only the English copyrights law, but also, the Scottish, and the European community.

I am all right with the other subject - Medical ethics and its law.  But when I need to studied two subjects and to cope with my works and my parents, it's suffocating.  More so, with some terrible clients and their mentality (refusal to listens to advise) and so on, it just add on to the 'stress level'.

A friend asked me what caused me to be so stressful recently and when I told her I am studying 2 subjects this semester, she cried out and states that then I am like studying full time.  Seriously, I feel the same.  It's crazy when I was having court trials, a few matters for hearing in the High Court this semester as well.  Not to mention i have new cases which i need to do research and tackle before making any formal filing, etc.  On top of that, I do have a course work due on next Monday and yet, I am only 1/3 done with it.  Just when I was thinking to sort that out last night, my place electricity went off and I ended up went to bed earlier. After next week, my semester's studies should be ended (no more tutorials and discussions which i need to attend daily if not weekly), but I still have 2 assignments to pass up before Christmas, which needs all my time for research and reading.  I do not have high hope that I will get a good marks for these 2 subjects seriously.  All I am praying now is that I manage to pass up all my works before deadlines and to pass the 2 subjects.

It has been a crazy few months.  But having said that, life has gone past pretty fast because of all these busy schedule and agenda.  1 1/2 years more, or rather 3 more semester, and I should then finish my masters course.  The positive of studying this masters course is that, even if I eventually fail the course, I still gained lots of knowledge and updated laws, be it in the UK or EU, but also internationally.  That somehow, helps a lot with my cases especially on intellectual property law (i seriously hate this area of law, but somehow, i have gained some acknowledgement from the previous 2 cases I handled).

Well, life is like a roller coaster.....  I guess starting from next year, I will practising under the name and style of MP Pang & Co. instead of Kenneth Thien & Associates.  Tawau is still the best place to lives.

- Forgotten? - 

Submission

It's a topic both my staffs and I were discussing and brainstormed about during one of our lunch time while waiting for the food to come.  It's interesting when we discuss about submission.  Of, whether as employee, how hard is it for them to submit to lousy boss like me. hahahaha.... well, my staffs are both devoted christian stated that it's not difficult with me, but they do know and heard many of their friends' bosses are hard to deal with and at many times, they are not being persuaded to submit to their authorities.  I posted a question "Do you think as an employee, we have the rights to submit or not to submit?" to them and they ponder for a while before I continue to addressed about submission to human and to God.
In our church today, there are just many who are not happy with the young priests that's leading the church.  More so, they are not happy with the bishop(s), the House of Bishops, etc.  In a way, they are not happy with God's.  They cannot accept the fact, why God choose them and not some others.  When people opposed to the man and leaders God chosen, they are in a way, dissatisfy with God and God's decision.  I wonder for a long while, how many were not happy with Moses' leadership? How many were not happy with Esther? How many not happy with Samson? How about David? Jonathan?  Elijah? Paul? Doesn't matter whether you like it or not? Does God even fear the human dissatisfaction? Is your dissatisfaction over human being has hindrance God's kingdom to move forward? Where is the fear of the Lord in you that blind your eyes to see this?
I am very sure the winner is the Satan.  At least if they did not manage to destroy the church, they are happy enough to be able to destroy a few people's faith towards God.  How many can submit ourselves to man and leaders who are chosen by God?  If the leader which's chosen is not your favourite man, are you able to submit to God's chosen and God's authority?
One of my staff always tells me, "You are the boss, whatever you wish to do, we go with you".  We end up having very relaxing days these days without any 'fighting' with clients for I have decided to not take up anymore conveyancing matters.  haha.... and everyone of us are having a very relaxing days in office (bored). hahahaha... well, things hopefully will pick up after this slow economic crisis.
Submission?
Well, I hope you are submitting to God and not man.
- Submission -

Who should have the right to make noise?

Even since Bishop Albert passed away, we can distinctly saw two groups of people in church, the one who loves him, ant those who hates him.  It has been 2 weeks and people are still commenting a lot through the blogs.  Words attacking the family, to me is too much.  I agree with some that this is going too far.  Someone mentioned Priest these days are too young and they are not well trained before they took up the job, their preaching is bad and they should be more humble to learn, etc.  I agree only part of it.  Did God choose people according to their ability? Did God not choose Moses? Did God not choose Saul/Paul? I believe they are young and ignorance. Some of them with pride too.  But think properly..... why did God choose them? Did God choose you? If yes, they why are you refusing and they are not? If no, why are you not being chosen? Why are they in their job now and not you?
Seriously, I think there are so many out there who can preach a better sermon that the priests we have now in our diocese.  I have calculated how many youth I had once are not Priests. I taught them when i needed to, i trained them and I think i can preach better than them.  But is that my calling? No.  It's not mine.  I can still of course, go to one of the priest and tell him what he said wrongly, regardless whether he/she likes it or not.  There are too many people complaining about bad preaching.  I am asking now, if you are wiling to go full time and do the preaching? So many says the priest are bad in their administrative works and all.  Are you willing to go full time and do the works? Or, are you willing to send your sons? If not, why are you complaining now for we have 'second class' priests preaching?  People are not giving their first born and best child to the Lord, they gave the one who is bad in studies, cannot find better job to the Lord. So, why are you complaining now?
My parents gave the best of theirs to the Lord.  I ended up suffering by sustaining this family financially and emotionally ever since I finished my degree (not even a practising lawyer yet).  Everyday, we are still hearing people complaining about the preaching is not good enough, why do we need to have ATI, etc. etc.  He's my parents' best.  May be not up to a standard of genius, but he's the best in the family.  Did you words hurtful to my parents or me? What if he's your best and your only son?
These group of people gave their lives to the Lord.  Not to YOU.  Who are you to judge and to make complains about? If there's anyone who has the right to complain, i should be the one.  Who are you? A church member? Just a church member?  Are you suffering so much, more than we do when we give him to the Lord? I believe every family member who has a full time workers serving in the church now agree with me on this.  So, if anyone come to me and tell me the priest's preaching is sucks..... I will ask  you, "are you sending your sons to the theological school soon?"
These days, many questioned about ATI.  Our Anglican Theological Institution. How 'qualify' this school is, etc.  Well, it is like, the different between UM, USM or UMS with University of Cambridge, University of Oxford or Kings' College London.  Come on, if you want a cheaper school, go for UM, UMS, USM.  If not, you may choose to apply to Bristol University or Reading University and study there. Pay a more expensive fees that's all.  I know one or two of the pastors in our diocese were not being sent to study in theological school for years and they went study by their own.  So, what's your problem about going to study 'oversea'? We are having ATI to facilitate to those we cannot go 'oversea'. But if you are willing to send you sons to 'oversea', please go ahead. I remember one of the decision both my dad and I had on which university to attend.  We are not rich.  Either i go to UMS to study social science and the whole family enjoy not suffering too much from financial constrains or I go to UWE Bristol to study law and I have to work my ass off by working part time and the whole family will suffer with me, financially. We have decided to go for UWE Bristol because I wanted to study law and God has somehow opened up that door widely for me (no x-ray provided, no proper check up, not enough money brought in and i went through the immigration). So, if you think Singapore Bible College is better, go then.... no one is stopping you to send your child.
Why can't people focus on the 80% and not the 20%? Where's your focus people? Are you blinded by the devil and their traps? Is attacking and revenge the only two things that we, Christian do today? Why are we falling into the traps of the devil and still cling on it to this extend?
Hello, wake up wake up...... the glory of God has been stolen.  Are you seeing it? Do you want to do more damage to that?
- Who should have the right to make noise? -

Confirmation

I have many who recently told me I am not as 'godly' as I claimed myself as. hahahahahahahaha.... I am not surprise.  I am smarter each day.  I am not as stupid as before.  No one shall take me for granted anymore. hehehehe.....

Faithful to the end?

It's either a plan, or co-incident that I was in KK on the 14th July 2014 weekend. After not being in KK during weekend for few months, I seriously was  quite happy to know that I won't be alone that weekend.  It's Michelle Kong's wedding and Charleen will be around and we have planned for a meet up after the wedding before I send her to the Bishop's house to visit Bishop Albert.  It was Saturday morning that we all met in church and even though I was not being invited for her wedding dinner in KK, i think it's good to attend her wedding ceremony (since I missed the Tawau dinner).
During the wedding (while they were doing the signing), Mrs Vun told Charleen and her family that meeting in the afternoon might need to be cancel as Bishop wasn't well and might need to be admitted to pump in some nutrition.  We therefore hanged around October cafe while waiting for Melissa at Shangrila Tanjung Aru.
While we were in October cafe, Mrs Vun and Sarah sent Charleen text messages informing her that they are sending Bishop to hospital.  Prior to that, i did heard that he has not been well.  Due to the messages, I have decided to attend 10am service as I know Bishop insisted to preach that sunday.
He preached a passing with all his breath to just to tell us, we need to stay on the course no matter how difficult it will be in the future.
I heard the message twice and that reminded me what he used to told me when i was in full time ministry.  I am never his favourite because I don't purposely try to please him.  I was sitting at the House of Prayer last saturday, and i remember the day before I left Tawau to England,  Kevin (full time worker then), brought me in the site to have a look of the structure of the House of Prayer.  I wasn't around during the opening, nor I was around during the first few years.  I only remember i asked my dad to pay RM200 on my behalf.  Those day, everyone was encouraged to pay RM200.00 for a chair in the House of Prayer.  I still remember there's thief who came in to the site sometimes, and Bishop Albert will bring his torchlight to go chase the thief.
When I was a full time worker, he used to ask me to clean the carpet in the office, wash the toilet to a point someone is willing to put their head inside, do this and that. Getting scolded is a definite thing.  Remember one of the staff retreat in Semporna, Johnny, Anthony and I together with Pastor Margaret went off from the resorts during meditation time and of course we get scolded.  Well, 3 of us are still the naughty one until today. hahahaha....
For Christ Church 40 years old celebration, together with Caroline, i made an appointment with bishop through his secretary.  Appointment got mixed up and he scolded me when he saw me.  He wasn't scolded me for being late or made him wait for an hour.  He scolded me for not emailing him directly.  Caroline was shocked when he started scolding , while I start smiling and apologising until he laugh and pat me on my shoulder.
By looking at him for the last time, i just have remember the last confrontation (through emails) I had with him.  I understand his stand.  I understand his heart.  I was confronting because I know it's not his fault, but his subordinate, who has not told him the truth of an incident where I was around and he only relied on report from his subordinate.
He has really done a lot for the church.  To a point obviously, the satan is not happy about.  God released him from all these at the end.  IT's definitely not satan who has won.  It's just the beginning of the defeat of satan.  That, i am very sure.  I am seriously excited to see how satan lose.  I hope I have the time to see them lose.  It might take a long time for that to happen.  But it will happen and I am still praying for the church today.  I thank God I am not serving human but God.  Many feel sad for his demise, but I am anticipating for a new beginning - the defeat of the satan.
All i need to do now is to be faithful to the end, as encouraged by Him.  Are you joining me?
- Faithful to the end? -

Forgotten...

These few years it has been crazily different. After all that had happen, I forgot, sort of... Who I was .... exactly.  Recently, I met many old friends...... Whom I have lost touch for years.  Some I cannot even remember their names and faces, but all of them are telling me I had contributed to their success.  Just like those who had touched my life when I was young, I somehow had done the same during my youth time.  I forgot I wasn't leading a group or two of youth.... It was the whole youth fellowship consisted about 150-200 youth, while all the other leaders were oversea, further their studies. I was training the leaders of all sorts.... .  Today, the new leaders might not remember who I am. But those I impacted remembers......

Even one or two of my secondary schoolmates testified today what I have done that made them believe in Jesus.  I forgot I was born, trained and chosen as His servant. 

The question is, am I still ? The recent trend now is that you have to be a full time workers in order for you to serve The Lord as a leader... Which is totally different from those days where whoever is willing, God needs you.... Even though many whom I have trained is now priest and pastors.... But many also have not serving now because they were being 'rejected' by the church.... I am of course, one of them. It is somehow, Very demoralising and discouraging....

The dilemma is that, due to being rejected, we put all our efforts and energies on our works and most of us succeeded in our career..... And then, the church leaders are labelling us as we are spending more time elsewhere and not God. Such accusation to me, is irresponsible and very selfish.

If we having learned of the weaknesses in church and we voiced out, we were said, we are too earthly too. The church these days..... To me is full of hypocrites than servant of God. They claim they are the ONLY one who knows the heart of God.... And we, who are not as 'great leader' as them, has little God exist in our life. 

Seriously, that's exactly why I forgot the meaning of being God's servant. I guess, I just do not want to be equally yorks with this bunch of leaders....

- forgotten -

Great escape!

A few matters were done before I left for holiday in May this year.  All necessary documents and hearing were done and so, it's a good 10 days break (seriously not a single call from client and all for the first time, while I am overseas).  I know I do have lots to cover after I come back and so... my expectation was handy. 
God must be on my side.  That's generally what I heard over and over again for the past 2 weeks.  I didn't realised what others will feel when they knew I took over the firm without a single cent few years back.  All of them just looked at me said, "God must be on my side". Well, for those who have been through the take over part, they will know how much I 'suffer' from taking over old files.  I literally would have been a millionaire if not because of the old files that gave me problems over problems.  Whenever my clerk discovered files which have problem, they came to me immediately, but with fear, because they know I hate that 'news' a lot.  Some, I know they solved without letting me know (those which are within their ability). 
God must be on my side.  I haven't gone bankrupt yet at least.  Over the 2 weeks, many matters were fixed for hearing and decisions.  I have to thank God none is not in my favour.  Even today's decision, without me forwarding what the judge require me to forward, he gave me what I asked for. 
Those cases, some caused clients to suffer for more than 23 years, is finally resolved.  Some, impossible has became possible finally. 
There's a case scheduled for trial next week.  I didn't manage to prepare it completely. At least, I haven't done the opening speech, the cross-examination questions, etc.  But I am so thankful that it has been rescheduled.  I don't know what else I want to ask for.  Things are falling into places quite unexpectedly somehow.
I am also in the final stage in sorting out the joint firm issue with another law firm.  I hope it works and that situation improves from there. Life has not been easy.  It will only goes tougher when business is getting bigger, I think.  Even though people think I only sit in the office and money will fall from heaven.  hahahahaa.... oh well, obviously, that's not the case.
I call it a great escape for the last few months... seriously.... from an account that's almost reach 0, we survives.... , from cases that I thought it will ends there, it somehow survives.... may be a good holiday motivates me thereafter?
Well, the greatest escape I guess is that, I managed to pass my Electronic Commercial Law paper with 60 marks.  It's never easy to achieved 60 in law.  I am glad that even though I didn't have much time to finish all the reading and assessment and coursework, I somehow... survived. 
God must be on my side.... and I am not denying the fact that He is on my side all the time.
- Great escape! -

Shall I?

A friend called and said I look much happier during that 10 days in UK.  Asked me if it ever cross my mind to move over and lives there.  I told her it's a holiday and i was enjoying myself a lot.  She said I have been to many places but this time round in UK, i seriously looks much happier than any other holiday trips. Oh well.... I cannot deny the fact that UK is definitely a better place for me.  I sleep well and eat well every single day while I was there.  Even with all the tiredness, I was happy.  Even walking along the unfamiliar streets and carrying a heavy camera, I feel good. 
This is the 2nd week after I came back and believe or not, I am having food problem, digestion problem, sleeping problem....

I have been doing a research into what i can do to transfer my Malaysia Bar to UK Bar for me to practice in UK for the past 2 years.  Ended up, I can do the transfer any time if I wish to.  But I am not doing anything about it.  I have tried the test set out by the Australia Immigration and noted that I am a skilled worker they wanted very much and all I need is to do proper submission and there, i will be able to stay in Australia and work there. I even started to pace for myself some other option besides practising law, i.e. teaching law in colleges and universities and hence, I have paid to get a LL.M. 

I wonder what's the main reason that caused all these serious determination to move out of Malaysia and work somewhere else.  If it is not because of my parents, i probably have moved out already.  But .... I wonder... why is that so? Well, I guess mainly because I started to realised that it is totally contradicting my practices with the existing laws of Malaysia.  Malaysian in general doesn't respect law, more so, lawyers..... lawyers got bullied by rich people.  The law ranked lower than money per se.  If you have the money, in this country, you can overpowered the law.  I experienced opponent (lawyers) who get paid a lot to do illegal and unethical stuffs, even if they know it is wrong in law, they twisted the law.  For 8 years now, I endured this.  I was so depressed by work and this professions and broke down few years back.  I got up, do the same thing again (even though differently), and I wonder, how much longer can I last this time round. 

Just when I am about to check out the possibility to get out from here, I returned to UK for a holiday.  Bristol is a place I got reminded of my covenant with God once.  I was determined to returned to Malaysia for a reason.  Obviously, it did not work out fine for the past 14 years.  I have failed or is it God who says STOP for now? I seriously have no idea.  All I know is, if I continue, I will be crash.  I need to look at things from other perspective.  In His timing and ways.... and not what I thought it was.  May be coming back is WRONG.  I don't know.... just when i thought I do not know the direction to Manor Hall in Bristol... somehow, I was directed to Manor Hall on my way down to Broadmead.  Stopped by for a short while and I am reminded ...  the day I said, "I love Malaysia".

Shall I move on?  A question I asked God since 2012.  Is this a sign from you to move on my Lord?

- Shall I? -

The Path!

There are 3  options you can choose to get to your destination and I wonder which way will you choose.

First

You rely completely with your own efforts.  You asked for the address, took out the map you relied on and try to find the way to get to your destination.  This way, it takes up more efforts because you will need to study the address and the map carefully.  In the event that you get to a wrong way, you need to stop by the side of the road, re-check the map again, look at the surrounding and identify which way you need to follow to reach your destination.  If you are smart enough, you will find your way, if you are bad in direction, I am sorry, for a journey of 10 minutes, you probably need to allocate 30 to 40 minutes more.  If you are in a hurry, I suggest you do not go for this option.

Second

You asked someone how to get to the destination.  If their instruction is clear enough and you have roughly been to that area before, chances of you finding the place fast is high.  If you have never been to that area and by listening to the instruction alone, you will have the fear of whether you will be able to find your destination.  You tend to ask a lot of question, and afraid you will miss a junction or an instruction.  You might get to your destination if you just remember exactly the instruction given to you.  If you did not, you will get lost.  So you will be very careful in listening to instruction, jotting down instruction and going to the destination in accordance to the instruction given to you.  You will still call that someone half way through to see if you are on the right path, if you do not have enough confidence.

Third

This is the easiest and definitely non-lossing path.  In this option, you bring along someone who has been to the destination with you.  In your car, he/she will tell you to stop, avoid the traffic of certain road, avoid some uneven road, etc.  and without any worries, you will reach your destination within minutes, if not seconds.

****************

I am not sure which option you choose... on your path walking to heaven.  Most people choose the second.  Some even the first... and i would rather to choose the third.  Jesus has been in and out of heaven.... He knows the best way to go.  Why worry? Why not let Him leads you to the destination by just relying on Him and His instruction? Yes! Not just through phone as what stated in the second option.  Bring Him in WITH you.

May be it is time to be reminded not to drive around like a crazy headless and aimless creature.  Focus, have Him with you in your daily walk, daily lives.

- The Path! -

Bible or Law book?

There's this incident where some 'scholars' or 'educated' people who has their reputation built, comment that the person involved should be penalised.  Some even said, the leaders of the church should be penalised, by the law of this country and by what a normal society private and public company should do.  Those who cannot 'cope' the job / task should be expelled from their current position.  Someone who is known by many even posted in the FB seeking 'support' of what he thinks is right to do and he even asked through the post, priest and lawyers what we all think about it.  Whether we should report the incident to the authority.

We all know when there's theft break into your house, the first thing you will do is to report police.  However, I do come across some people who won't for some other reasons.  I believe, everyone handle matter is different.  The church and the biblical teaching on this issues are different from what we ought to do too.

Remember the story where a women was found to have committed adultery.  People gathered and brought her and everyone says they are to cast a stone on her to punish her (Not so sure why is the man not being brought to be punished).  Jesus said those who are without sin can cast the first stone.  Everyone left at the end.

I am asking the same, when you are thinking to punish others for their wrong doing, are you, yourself without sin? If you have sin, what rights do you have to punish others? More so, the person who posted doesn't even belong to that 'family'.   And i wonder what's right he has to raise such a question and insisted that we deal with the issue his way?

I remember i used to steal my dad's RM100.00 from his wallet.  I did get my punishment, from my parents.  But thankfully, they did not report me to the police.  Thereafter, I never steal even a candy.  I have learned from my mistake.  I was given a second chance and I grew up and became a lawyer.  May be there are family who will report their daughter to the police when their daughter stealed RM100.00 from them.  I don't know.  I am just being thankful my parents did not.

This is a family issue.  Who has the rights to decide what to do to your son and daughter?

Do you want to focus on the book of laws or the teaching of Jesus? It is up to you.

Yes.  That's sums up how struggle I am being a lawyer.

- Bible / Law books? -

Worse year?

"Everyone will have the worse year in their life, mine was 2009, when was yours?"  Hmm.... I did ponder for a while after I heard this.  And I cannot remember, was it 2010 or 2011? I think it started in 2010 but I suffered all the 'consequences'/aftermath in 2011? Anyway, I think it's more than 1 year. Those were the days I lost myself, my right mind, work/career, the church, friends and dad.  Life isn't the same anymore after 2011.  

Amazing, just when I thought I lost them all, through it, I have more gain then losses.  I found even better career, better job, better income, better mindset, better church, better friends, and dad is still encouraging me if you haven't realised.  I have definitely found my mom.  I have never been this close with my mom and I just got closer to her more and more.  

I realised in court these days, be it the senior lawyers, junior lawyers, the court clerks, the judges.... they all kind of know me.  Ever since I witnessed lawyers being scolded by judges and that I realised I wasn't being scolded for a long period of time, I know I was trained well and I certainly did not offended any judges so far.  

Life did took a sharp turn after all.  I am reminded of course, even though I experienced worse year, by holding on to Him (not the church), God will protect, protest, bless and provide.  So, if you are in your worse year, hold on to Him.  It will be over soon (my dad always told me, all bad things will end) and blessings will follow thereafter.  

- Worse year? - 

I am surprised!

I remember how much people took me and my good heart for granted.  For many years, this had been something difficult for me to change.  Well, I wasn't thinking of changing it for good.  It's just that I think I need to at least evaluate whether it is worth to act good on certain people, certain circumstances.  I guess, not many  realised that it is harder for me to get involved and be good for church matters these days.  When I first realised the church needs help, it didn't strike me that I need to help them.  I shun away, I didn't bother much.  My first reaction was simple, no reaction. 

I am surprised when I was asked to help and my respond was, no answer, no respond, change topic.  MC was asking politely, but I didn't answer her directly and instead, topic changed and I deemed the matter is closed and I didn't mention about it thereafter.  No.  I did not bother to help.  I didn't bother to even look into the matter and to give suggestion as to how the problem is to be solved.  Instead, I gave some advice as to how she should do to protect herself, etc.  I know since she knew me for more than 20 over years and she's under my leadership for at least 8 to 12 years, she's not only shock, but wonder if I am alright.  

We talked about the matter again few days later, and knowing and realised how much she wanted to know what happen to me, I told her how and why I ended up suffered from major depression few years back.  Having recovered from that, I am putting a shield over myself, first, I have to take into account the issue as to how much I can handle.  Church, leaderships, ministries, are just not something I want to touch on at the moment.  May be not for the next few years.  No one knows.  

If you think it's work, friendships and all that stressed me out few years back, you have got it all wrong.  I am definitely 100% more stress at my work now compare to few years back.  I am definitely having more debts now then few years back.  I am definitely more stress now with additional travelling to and fro KK and Tawau and my Masters (LLM) course.  I am definitely more stress in my commitment, my handling of the firm, etc.  But none of these are making me feel drained, feel depressed.  Instead, I can laugh out loud any time, etc.  

I am surprised myself as to what exactly that caused me depressed.  It's definitely not what we think it is. 

- I am surprised! - 

Find something to do when you do not have anything to do.

No.  That's not exactly what it's supposed to mean even though in English, that's how it is phrased.  It is supposed to be : 沒事找事來做。 This HK series reminded me so much about what I step I took when I was down, cannot fall asleep, etc.  I ended up, cooked a few cakes, cleaned a few places, builded a few cupboards, read a few books (9 books in 3 months), painted a few rooms, fixed a few door knobs, etc. etc.  I have agree with the HK series that, it works.  When recalled those days where I can only fall asleep at 3am and woke up at 5am, having no mood to watch TV and yet feeling energetic.  If not because I keep myself busy, I wouldn't have get over that period so soon.

I cannot remember when was the first smile or first laugh i put on my face after I took that step.  I cannot remember how long it lasted too.  But I do realised my laughters got louder and louder, to a point SM and VT always have to find a place in the corner when I tagged along for dinner. hahahahahahahahaha.......  I don't care.  I just wanna laugh.  Let the whole world jealous.  Let it be.

Well, is my current situation improved so much compare to few years back? I don't think so.  But I can smile and laugh louder and louder these days.  I guess, I am just not as stressed and I am not as bothered about the 'situation' anymore.  Having to know someone is loving me and caring me (which I can very much feel) has somehow added to the laughters, despite the difficulties in life.

I guess, I just need to learn to keep finding something to laugh at.  My mom is my best example.  She has really laid a very good testimony for me (but she stopped me from laughing to loud at night some time. Hahaha.....).

So, if you are having sleepless nights, try find something to do.  Go out to have a walk, buy something, go Tuaran to look for a friend, go Kudat to look for friend, go Tenom to look for friend, etc.  I always pushed myself to go Tuaran to look for Lisa Kong.  I also pushed myself to go out to play some pool with Danny, etc.  There's just so many people who has contributed to my "to-do list". I am forever thankful and grateful of having them around.

- Find something to do -

A long drive....

It has been for quite some time since I last travel a long distance journey without driving, being a passenger.  It has also been quite a long while since I travel in the early morning before the sun is up. I was to attend a hearing this morning at Tongod Land office and so, client picked me up at 3:30am and we travelled by car to our destination.  We chatted for a while and I fell asleep around 4:30am. When I open my eyes around 5:30, I saw sunlight..... and it reminds me of my younger days....

During my younger day, the church was run by a group of wonderful and faithful God's people and dad and mom are the 2 who has been around during those time, especially when we do not have any residence priest at that moment and even when we did, they are all English or Australian who doesn't speak chinese.  My dad therefore was being given a license to preach and started his journey as a preacher.  He was required to travel to other places to preach as those churches are mostly chinese speaking congregation and there's not many preacher then.  So, we used to travel a lot in the very early morning..... by car, to Semporna, to Lahad Datu, and to some other interior places.  Those days, those churches do not have a full time worker, what more priest.

While we were on our way, one of the best thing we always do or play with is, to count the stars. We also try to focus on a star until the sun come up and it disappear. Of course, besides we sleep and fight in the car. hahahahahaha.... This morning's journey just reminded me of those days... i travel with my parents and brother to places just to worship the Lord. Listening to my dad's preaching has been one of the big part of my childhood memory. And I know, many were blessed and encouraged by his preaching too.  That's I learn too.  Do what we can to serve Him, do not bother about the 'result'.  Being a pioneer tends to be forgotten by others when it get succeeded.  But being a pioneer, it's a privilege, even though many hardship was endured. Seeing churches these days has at least one priest and a few full time workers.... I am sure that's one of the best thing my dad is happy about in his life.
- a long drive ... -

Intense!

It has been a long while since the last time I have initiate a suits which caused everyone so intense.  All I can say was, the whole court this morning only fill with voices from me, and my opponents.  I have initiated a suit against 3 parties, 2 are banks and 1 is the DGI.  Interestingly, the 2 Banks have no objections to my application and they are on my side.  But DGI is making things difficult to everyone despite the fact that they agreed with our application a week ago when we were in the meeting.  Last minute, they sabotaged by filing extension of time application and also application to strike out my application, which to the 2 Banks' counsels and me, it's just wasting of time and they do not have basis to do that. 
Too bad, even though I know I shouldn't be harsh to DGI (as I have many other matters with them), I have told the senior officer that, as much as they have a lots of pressure from the headquarters, I too have an integrity and justice to uphold and I rely completely on the Rules of Court 2012 and the laws.  I am standing very firm, even to the extend, I refuse to let the 2 Banks go for the time being (despite the fact that I did agreed if DGI allows my application, I will be ok to let them go, but thank God they are wonderful senior lawyers who understand why am I not letting them go at this juncture).
Intense. But my fighting spirit is back.....
- Intense -

Investment!

Over the past week, we discussed about a pastor who has resigned recently, etc.  My mom has the opinion that he has married a wrong women as wife. I disagree at first, but.... I am having a second though.  People , a lot of people get married because they want to 'rely' on their spouse for some 'benefit'.  Either in monetary terms or not.  In a way, a man is in need of a women and a women in need of a man just to satisfied the imperfection of a human being (well, at least to minimise the imperfection?).
Many people think the best 'investment' on a human being is to hooked up with someone who can give you the best benefit he/she can provides.  A women in particular will give everything they can to be in a relationship or married someone who can give them better life.  Man somehow, 'invested' in women who can give them family and children. But how many know none of these 'investment' will last forever.
Majority of people think it is better to sacrifices their friends and family for the one man or one women they think that's worth.  Most of them even sacrifice their works, their education, their mindset, their abilities for this one man and one women too.  Some even sacrifice their God.
I am asking now, if those so called 'investment' worth.  I just happen to be a bloody lawyer who do quite a bit of divorce matters. I usually do not ask them why are they getting a divorce.  Most of the time, they are the one who just tell me non-stop why are they getting a divorce and 9/10 of them will tell me I made a good choice to stay single.
I started to wander if this is the reason why Roman Catholic priest are not allowed to get married.  It's an issue of a division of focus and commitments towards God i believe.  Somehow, I agree that if we are to put all ourselves into just one man and one women, this investment is seriously not a wise investment.  If you lose a grounds of friends because of one man or one women, i think you are stupid.
Oh well, it's just my choice of investment.  You might not be agreeable with me. That's ok.  All i wish is that everyone made a wise and right investment in life.  And staying with God is definitely not something you wanna give up or sacrifice for.
- Investment! -

Hmm...

I don't think I am this close to a person in my past 39 years before.... this is.... new.
- Hmm.... -

What I didn't know....

I woke up quite early this morning and after packing and all, I went in to office to sort out some works since I wasn't at office yesterday afternoon.  Hunger strikes me badly this morning.... and so, instead of driving out, I went to E-west café lounge which is just nearby.  Sat down, ordered and start reading what I need to.  When my meal came, I quickly start eating... then suddenly, three woman came in and when I look up, I saw them pointing at me and one shouted, "Hey, Pei San.... how are you?", then the other one tell another one that I am a former student of St.Patrick, etc.  Then I realised, out of 3, 2 of them who knew me, one was my teacher (and my parents' friend whom I also very close with since baby.... and definitely close to her 2 daughters), another one whom also my parents' friend whom I know and attending CCL and the other one, I do not know at all.  I was told she used to teach in St.Patrick school way before I attended secondary school.  So, they are having their gathering. 
While I was finishing my meal, another one walked in.  I didn't know all these teachers can remember seriously..... but from a far when she saw me, she called out my name.  I got a shock.  Oh well, I guess there after, the closest to our family's teacher told them my parents' condition and all as suddenly, I realised them looked at my direction for a few seconds. hahahaha...  I guess they must be thinking why am i eating alone. hahahahahahaha.... 
Oh well, ... I am never a 'famous' student to anyone.  I do not think i am outstanding in any area of my life.  Worse still, I never excel in my studies and I can be so 'famous' in my -10 marks math exam and accounting. hahahahahahahahahah....  I am not like my brother whom he can expect every teachers know who he is because he is really good in academic, in sports, in arts, in everything he did.
But what i didn't know is that.... after so many years, teachers still remember my name? Oh wow....  I better be good. hahahahaha....
- What I didn't know... -

Love

It is a word I have failed to describe nor feel it for the past few years.  The 'to love others' button somehow has been deleted by the 'programmer'.  By default, anyone, everyone who comes and tell me that they love me, they will not get any respond from me. I won't be able to feel it too.  No matter how much one do anything for me or to me, ... they will get no respond from me.  Be it it's so romantic, it's so touching.... it's just not going to touch my heart.  That's how 'wounded' I was and am.
I do appreciate (logically) what they all did to and for me in the past.  But deep down in my heart, it's just.... 'untouchable'. A way to protect myself from being hurt again may be?
Having said that, there are few people nevertheless think they 'received' unexpectedly from me throughout the past few years too.  Whereas, some people who has the expectation that I will be good to them, they are much hurt by my unexpected reaction.  I guess, my heart has changed (not very sure for better or for worse).
It was quite an unexpected experience in the past few months though where both fear to love and the fear to be loved came at the same time.  Challenging my heart to open up (seriously not sure open up for being loved or for being hurt and that's the fearful part).  I don't think I have the confidence in human being anymore.  I call it an adventures ride.
I keep reminding myself it's not difficult for me to love someone or make someone feel loved. But it is definitely difficult for me to open up myself to let someone to make me feel loved. It's challenging for people and in order for me to feel loved, they really need to put up really lots of efforts.  Over the years, I know with my heart and mind of so many others who are out there who have put up a lot of efforts to love me.  I appreciate that.  I know hard it is for them.  Thanks for bearing all these with me.
Seriously, I am trying very hard at my end to accept "I am being loved".  I hope I don't make anyone of you feel discouraged, rejected and hurt.
Thanks for the one who made extra efforts to make me miss you all the time.  Somehow, this has made my heart exercise a bit more than usual.
- Love -

Contradiction!

When I was deciding which course I should study after SPM, my mom disagree with most of my suggestion, except law.  However, throughout the years, she has been worry about me as I am not a smart kid at all.  So, I struggled through my degree, CLP, etc. And now that I am a practising lawyer, she is worry why am I taking up litigation matters instead of doing just what all the Tawau lawyers are doing, conveyancing matters. Her worry is substantial when she realised what sorts of people I am dealing with and what sorts of people I am suing.  hahahahahahaha.....
Well, I can be bias and being fearful all the time for not wanting to be 'known' and not wanting to hurt certain parties, can I? That's what 'upholding' justice means, isn't it? (well, is there something call upholding justice in Malaysia legal system?)  And yes, that's one of the reason why no one should attach with me too closely these days.  My life is in danger all the time.
Now that I wanted to study LL.M to get out from all these, my mom again worry about me as to whether I am able to handle both works and studies. 
I don't know if she is feeling more 'guilty' or worry over her own decision or mine these days. Seriously it is bothering me. What's bothering to be exact? People's expectation, what others want from me.  I just feel pressure....
This feeling has been with me ever since I was a kid then..... no one ever being supportive of my decision ever. NEVER EVER I get the 'Yes' answer... from my brother, from my mom..... and I am still suffering from it today. Damn!
- Contradiction! -

Weird feeling....

Interestingly, a group of primary schoolmates, and another group of secondary schoolmates recently has set up a whatsapp group chat room. The primary schoolmates however set up a reunion gathering during cny and the secondary schoolmates had gathered up among them and now, they all saying that I being anti-social and didn't join them ever. 

Firstly, I wonder what's the big deal of me joining and not joining them? Due to my 'special characters', they never consider and accepted me during school time nor invited me for any event for the past 21-25 years and so, why is there a need now? 

Secondly, saying that I am anti-social and not looking down on them because I am a lawyer? Come on.... Who are you and what position are you in my life? Not that I 'belong' to any of you nor your group for the past 21-25 years and do you think I should now 'walked in' and join you? 

Thirdly, I do have a few good friends I am still keeping in touch with for the past 21-25 years and I still do meet up with them whenever I can and able to, that's because they accepted me as who I am all these while and still do.  It's not because of the issue of 'ranking' and 'selection'.

Fourthly, I am not accountable to you all as to how I conduct my life is. 

Well, I don't know why never get accepted. But I do know I don't really like them either. I am sorry.... When you all started to do the 'selection', I have learned that too. 

I am just feeling weird that people started to be so offensive these days. Oh well, yup! I am being sensitive! Haha...

- feeling weird-

14th February 2014

I always love the numbers 2, 14 and this year, it's 2014.... oh well, it's my 39th birthday, 15th day of CNY and Valentine's day..... and so instead of my plan to stay alone, I was duty bound to be back to celebrate with my parents.... and also for work for the next few days....
There's just too many blessing over the week.  I was just telling my mom that I had all the dinners arranged since Monday, etc.  Even though I am 2 days behind schedule to finish my studies, ... I just cannot be avoided to put some time to celebrate my own birthday.  Oh well..... who knows when will be the last time I celebrate my birthday? hehehe.....
But besides all the celebrations, gifts, kind gestures to send me off, help me with errands, etc from friends and family..... I am somehow overwhelmed to received an email from a company that they have confirmed to appoint my firm as their penal law firm.  Looks like all i need is to gear myself up for the incoming challenges.  I am thrill... and I know God is providing despite the 'quiet-ness' for the past few months. After, He has been providing....
Oh well, this year, I had 4 pieces of cakes for my birthday over a week. It's just .... unexpected and .... FULL. hahahaha... Well, here are some of the pictures....

Thank you everyone! You all make me feel so loved!

Different Perspective...

I don't like to be misunderstood.  This is one of the thing I cannot tolerate at all.  But it's not an option in life i realised.  Misunderstanding does occur from time to time.  Some choose to explain, some don't.  There are many reasons why we did what we did, but people loves to form their own opinion on things, to misunderstood us.  

Over the years, people loves to wonder certain facts about me.  Well, I don't blame them because I do not 'act' like a 'normal' one anyway.  I won't say I am weird, but instead, I think I am special.  I am just not 'normal' — in the world's standard. People never asked me why I did what I did, but instead, people 'expect' me and/or asked me to do what they, or the general people do.  I always feel 'offended' with their requests. Why should I follow the way they 'think' is 'correct'?

I always know people will understand why I did what I did if I explain to them the reasons.  But how many people in the world I can address my 'explanation' to? I just feel lazy to keep explaining. So I always understand the feeling of those who are sick and handicap.  For those, people can accept them to be 'different' because it can be seen that they are indeed 'different' and have 'special needs'. Unlike me, I will probably have to explain. 

And that's probably the last thing I wanna do.  If people cannot accept the differences I am, then I am fine with them leaving me as who I am.  From day one, it's already difficult for me to accept it myself, what more others? Do I need to explain just for myself to be 'accepted'? Do i need to be self-pity? 

My only comfort to myself all these years is though the world does not accept me, my Lord is. Even if the world misunderstood me, the Lord my God & Father is and will not. 

Is that enough? For a while, it is... but the 'general world's perspective' is really shaking me out...  may be i need someone to tell me he/she loves me because of who I am, and not some 'expectation'. I don't know.....

- Different Perspective... - 

Promise!

Indeed, life is much better with your presence. I cannot express and tell you how much I appreciate your love towards me despite what we went through. It's unexplainable.... Unable to quantify, measure, compare, balance.... 

I know we both have the fear of losing each other again. But we both know and are trying our very best to not let that option even exist. So, this is what I promise you... I will not 'disappear' from you and your life again even though one day you choose to select the option to disappear from mine (I hope not).

Thanks for loving me even though you know it is so difficult (harder than climbing mt.everest, yes!).

I love you too! 

- promise!-

Over those years....

Someone said, reconciliation and forgiveness are not easy and when it happens, it has a special meaning and feeling all together.  Well, I still think it's my fault nevertheless... only if I am not sick, things won't be that bad and no one will took a 'wrong' step somewhere along the way.
May be it is the understanding and the application of the law of causation which I choose to apply to what had happen.  But the fact that it's 'caused' by me, I shall therefore take the blame.
I know others have a different opinion on this or may be they too think it's their fault.  It's really question of whether there's chicken or egg first.  I am not arguing. I don't have any rights to argue anyway.
Issues ended, matter talked, things sorted and we love each other more than ever and that's enough. Of all, I acknowledged all the hard work, pain, hardship, tears, actions for the past few years and I really appreciate all these very much.

There are issues which I choose not to look at or ponder over about, but these 2 years has somehow made me ponder over it, some, I somehow managed to face it but others, I will need people to help me to go through it.  Well, let's take it one step at a time then...

- Over those years... -

Never before...., it is now.

I just don't know how to describe my feeling at the moment.  I guess, love is really something powerful.  A simple word and yet, powerful.... is what exactly that gave me a different view of life all over a sudden.  It has been a while.... but indeed, it is great!
I don't think I have ever feel so loved before...
- never before... , it is now.-

Struggles

After a few years of believing and accepting the fact that no one care much and love me (I cannot feel it at least), I lives a life for myself. Putting a few things and people in the list and do what I should, no more, no less.... That's been my kind of life for the past few years. 

People who came around to care, and a word of greeting to me has no different meaning then any strangers whom I met on the streets or the fruit store owners who welcome my presence. Well, in summary.... I am merely living a life without any 'love' felt. A fact I have had accepted. I can't feel love, I cannot feel touched, I cannot feel anything anymore. People who came forward to greet me or call me, I tend to believe that there must be something they want from me. People only come to me to get some benefit. So, I don't say yes or feel compassion to people these days. 

If one needs  nothing, they either pay for it or beg!!!

I didn't realised how much I shut myself and heart down until in the past month, someone keep reminding me I am loved. That open up me to ponder and think of the issue again. I am struggling through in trying to strike the balance of whether to believe or not. Don't get me wrong. I only have issue if being loved. I don't have much issue of loving people and providing needs for others. 

But to find someone who keeps loving me.... Even though I was trying to make them go away, it is really something I don't think I have expected.

Shall I believe or shall I not? I am struggling....

-struggling-

Frozen

I was so busy when Frozen was showing in cinema. However, enough attention brought it to me when Danny and Jenny purchased the Frozen - English version and they showed the BM version and they got frustrated and posted on FB.  It didn't cross my mind that I will have the chance to watch it. Not until one Saturday, Pam asked me for movie. I remember it was a hectic week and I needed a break and though Frozen was not one of the preferred movie, since Pam wanted to watch it, I tagged along.
It surprised me.
I found myself just like Elsa, at least for the past few years.... First, the frozen heart. Second, the uncontrollable 'power'.  Third, the avoidance to hurt others.  Fourth, ... Fifth, ... etc.
After the movie, I wonder if anyone has been knocking the door, has been asking me to build a snowman, has been asking me to go play with them... Suddenly, I felt like I was brought into my own world for a tour...
it took me a few months now ... to adjust myself. I guess, i do need a little help. May be a true love?
- Frozen -

Proof/Evidence!

There's one issue which has been resounding in my mind for many years and it often confuse me.  Everyone told me parents love me but past experiences (my younger days) proves that they love my brother more and because of my 'not so usual' characters, they always gave me the impression that I will bring them shame. Well, at least that's the impression I got.  So, to be able to accept myself of who I am, it is hard. More so, to make other to accept me as who I am. Well, one fact I cannot deny. I cannot change who I am to become someone I wish to be like.  So, since young, I am 'different'. It will be better to be 'different' in a good and acceptable sense.  But I reasoned that the majority do not like me. That's a fact.
So, over the years, whenever someone told me they love me, I know, it won't last long.  For the past few years, it's proven (a lawyer just need convincing evidence to justified certain facts) that even though people said they love me, they don't really love me.  Almost everyone left during the most difficult time of my life.  After that moment went past, people start coming back, asking for 'benefit' when they know what I can offer.  People take advantage of me.  There's always a reason why people call  me, why people ask me for lunch or dinner, etc.  I don't mind the 'sharing'.  Seriously.... because I cannot bring them with me to the grave anyway. After all, I don't need them when I see my Father in heaven.  I will have everything there.  But what I do not like is that, they 'used' my love and heart.  Where were they when I needed one the most? Why do I need them now?
I said Almost all....
For the past few years, I am always reminded of what my dad used to told me once when he realised how and what all the other did to me. He said, "Not EVERYONE.  At least I know there are some who really care and love you here in Tawau. As I can see, Hz always care and love you.  Not everyone left you".  It wasn't an easy 'fact' to accept and I guess it take time.  It's just so difficult to 'reopen' myself to trust that fact again.  I guess love is a life long journey and the package comes with other emotions either, including trust.
It's not an easy task to for me. It's probably easier for me to love others.  But it is definitely not easy for me to be loved.  It's been close to 40 years now that I only saw 'empty promises'.  Shall I trust another promise? I need more evidence to be convinced.
I guess that concluded that why I rather not to interact with people closely these days.... I don't want to listen and believe in another empty promise.
- Proof/Evidence! -

The reason?

I was trying to finish Bible in One Year for another round this year.  Just when it started not long....I was reading about temptation man and women encountered at the Garden of Eden. Well, needless to elaborate, you should know the 'story' by heart and we heard that many times when it was preached to us.  We also know that what God said to the serpent, the man and the women.  All we remember was that, To the women he said, "I will make your pains in childbearing very severe; with painful labor you will give birth to children..  Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you".  and to Adam he said, "Because you listened to your wife and ate fruit from the tree about which I commanded you, "You must not eat from it,'"cursed is the ground because of you; through painful toil you will eat food from it all the days of your life.  It will produce thorns and thistles for you, and you will eat the plants of the field.  By the sweat of your brow you will eat your food until you return to the ground, since from it you were taken; for dust you are and to dust you will return".

These are not "promises" God made or gave to us.  Let me remind you that it is a CURSE. Does it ring a bell? It's a curse and we are meant to find a way to 'un-curse' it.  For generation to generation, for years to years.... many of us is still being deceived by the serpent to think that it is a 'promise' and this is what man and women should do. i.e. to work like a donkey to earn our living and suffer pains for childbearing.  Nope.  That's CURSE.

So, tell me.  What's wrong for not being able get married and get out of the 'curse'? No childbearing hardship is no good? Really? So, why are some of us laughing at us who are the Singles? Because you are jealous that we are not under the curse aren't you? Well, of course you might have your reason and personal interpretation of this verses.  But to me, I know God has forgiven me and the curse has been unfolded and hence, I manage to enjoy every moment of my life the way it should, i.e. with God alone. 

Yes. If you are asking me whether I am in a relationship, the answer is always YES.

- The Reason? -

Rare?

Generally speaking, whenever someone feel unhappy or down, there must be a reason.  People who is not happy generally will be fine after talking to someone.  A friend called at a weird time last night and when I realised I missed her call while during laundry, I called back immediately.  Well, she rumble about her boss about her boss' unreasonable action over cancelling everyone's Chinese new year leaves, etc.  well, it took her probably 10 minutes to just rumble and she then felt better after that. 
I wasn't in a good mood since afternoon.  There are two reasons.  Not 'circumstances' reasoning...but mostly 'physical' reasoning.  Either the 'reactions' from the brain that caused the down mood or the other way round.  No one knows.  All I know was, I need to stay away from people because it hits and affect others. No matter how much those kids were trying to cheers me, I started to feel uneasy, irritated and a bit headache while I was just seated there.  I know something is wrong.  Thank God Faith got so irritated and SJ said they are leaving and so I left together.  I guess somehow, SJ realised my 'sudden quietness' also though I was trying very hard to make sure it is unnoticeable. Anyway, 'unusual' means unusual.  People who are close will notice no matter how.
Got back alright.  Still managed to do some laundry and store some water as we are informed that they are washing and cleaning the main "loji".  Just after I put the clothes to wash.... I was completely knocked out by the pain that came so sharp to a point I need to lie down on my bed.  Well, I always tried not to take pain killer and bear with the pain.  But last night was crazy. It didn't stop until an hour after I pop two tablets of pain killer.
Is the 'reaction' in the brain that's affecting the mood or the mood affecting the pain? I seriously don't know which one comes first. I woke up alright this morning, only with minor pain. Oh well, and I think I should do some exercise later after work. haha....
This is rare? The pain is not rare.  The sharpest of the pain is. May be it gets serious? Oh well, I don't think I want to bother about it.
- Rare? -

Progressing....

Well, I am glad to find out that,  my studies are not impossible after all.  All the introduction about e-commerce law, in particular, on EU regulations, treaties, code, directives..... which need to be covered is over.  This second session is much better when it goes to the law, at least, on jurisdiction.  Still, it's EU, it's Member States, etc.  But at least, it is 'better'.

More so, the reading isn't too much and it's not impossible to finish a 1000 words coursework within a week. It's still better than finishing 4 discussions in a week.  I hope I can cope with it better each week.  For now, 8 more weeks to go and I will be a free bird. 

So, yes, it's progressing.... in my studies... as well as works.  Work is picking up.  Discharging myself for a few messy matters, finalising a few to go for trial and appeals, and .... having some 'sleeping' one awaken and sorting out some mess.  Guess all these will keep me busy until end of April.  So, that's something good. At least something is progressing....  and that helps me to focus. 

Oh well... there are just too many small small things I need to sort out this week. I hope I have the time to do it... 

- Progressing - 

*pondering... *

It has been a while now that I have felt 'different'.... or being care for or....loved.  Somehow, I don't believe it will happen or exist anymore, especially after it has been for years now that it has never happen. Having said that I must admit that did tried to "believe" of its existence, but not not feeling it, except for God's love and His faithfulness.  Love, has been something I can acknowledged of its existence, but not feeling it. That part of me died long ago I believe. Whenever people is treating good, i can thank them for being nice, but truly in my heart, I can never feel it. In a way, it goes to my head, not my heart.
That's my kind of life for the past few years. That's how hard it is for me to 'feel' loved.  Even if someone is telling me they love me, it will only go into my head, not my heart.
I was puzzled today with just a simple asking "have you eaten".  When it came on the computer screen while i was looking at some other studies materials, it made me stunned for a long while, wonder... when was the last time someone asked me this? Guess it's my dad.  He always called and asked me if I have eaten.  He doesn't care much of how well i did in my studies, or works, or ministries... each time he called, first thing he will ask was whether I have eaten.  Remember there's this time where the bloody selfish boss of mine asked me to skip my lunch to finish off her works.  My dad called and forced me to go grab my food. Well, i ended up walked off that firm because all the reason i work is for living and for food... and if I can't even have my food, what for i work? That's what he taught me then and there.... about not being a slave for human being. I am glad i was out of that firm within a week.
It's my dad who always reminded me that i do have friends who care and love me. So even 99% left me, that 1% is still around. i think that kept going, knowing that there's at least just one person who does.  That walk-ing day to the mountain in Tawau is definitely something that worth remember. It has made me walk until today.
So, if i tell you i cannot feel that care and love,  I am lying to you and to myself.  It's just a matter of how deep can i feel being loved. Well, i guess it is not easy for me to be loved again/feel the love again. It just get harder and harder.  All the promises and all, .... I guess I just won't believe anymore. :(
- *pondering ... *

Just too much....

It's just too much to bear.... well, I mean, 'changes'. 

Within a month, everything will be different.  I will not have my best companies herein KK after I come back from Tawau after Chinese New Year.  Rev Sng & Family have been a wonderful company and emotional support to me for the past few years.  Without them and their unconditional love, I don't think I survive until now.  Trying to make myself to set a good example for my two God children have been one of the motivation.  A good one.  It's that that I too going back to church and attend services without missing a Sunday.  Apart from them, I too have a couple who has constantly making sure I stay alive.  Jenny has been telling me if I would to die, I shall wait till she got married and so, she did.  Now, she said, ... if I would to die, I shall at least wait till her child is born and we all know, I will witness quite a bit, may be until her child (my another Godchild) to graduate and married? Well, that's certainly something to look forward to... for all my Godchildren to grow up, go to college and get married. hahahahaha...  Danny is definitely one who appear at the right time all the time, especially when he noticed I was stress, all he needs to do is to call me and ask me "You wanna go for a pool?". hahahahaha... I enjoy that a lot.  It's releasing to play pool as full concentration is needed for pool/snooker. I never play pool until I came back to Malaysia.  Snooker is what I love. But I do enjoy playing with Danny as he is really good in it.  Oh well....
All of them are leaving and I will have to adjust.  It probably time when God says "Pei San, you and do this and so, I am taking them away".  It's going to be tough.  But studies come handy and at the right time.  Guess I will need to focus more on studies instead for the time being.
With the slow-ness in economic and all, I guess, there's just too much of a challenge for me to adjust for all these. I hates myself making mistakes on cause papers I filed.  But things happen.  Well, I was doing and rushing that two pieces of works when my mom had her surgery and I was torn apart in few areas at the same time.  I can't expect myself to be perfect, can I? Well, mistakes... and now, I am paying to sort out mistakes and that's what I hate the most. 
I really hope things are going to be better soon. Well,... this is just too much for me....
-  Just too much.... -