I am surprised!

I remember how much people took me and my good heart for granted.  For many years, this had been something difficult for me to change.  Well, I wasn't thinking of changing it for good.  It's just that I think I need to at least evaluate whether it is worth to act good on certain people, certain circumstances.  I guess, not many  realised that it is harder for me to get involved and be good for church matters these days.  When I first realised the church needs help, it didn't strike me that I need to help them.  I shun away, I didn't bother much.  My first reaction was simple, no reaction. 

I am surprised when I was asked to help and my respond was, no answer, no respond, change topic.  MC was asking politely, but I didn't answer her directly and instead, topic changed and I deemed the matter is closed and I didn't mention about it thereafter.  No.  I did not bother to help.  I didn't bother to even look into the matter and to give suggestion as to how the problem is to be solved.  Instead, I gave some advice as to how she should do to protect herself, etc.  I know since she knew me for more than 20 over years and she's under my leadership for at least 8 to 12 years, she's not only shock, but wonder if I am alright.  

We talked about the matter again few days later, and knowing and realised how much she wanted to know what happen to me, I told her how and why I ended up suffered from major depression few years back.  Having recovered from that, I am putting a shield over myself, first, I have to take into account the issue as to how much I can handle.  Church, leaderships, ministries, are just not something I want to touch on at the moment.  May be not for the next few years.  No one knows.  

If you think it's work, friendships and all that stressed me out few years back, you have got it all wrong.  I am definitely 100% more stress at my work now compare to few years back.  I am definitely having more debts now then few years back.  I am definitely more stress now with additional travelling to and fro KK and Tawau and my Masters (LLM) course.  I am definitely more stress in my commitment, my handling of the firm, etc.  But none of these are making me feel drained, feel depressed.  Instead, I can laugh out loud any time, etc.  

I am surprised myself as to what exactly that caused me depressed.  It's definitely not what we think it is. 

- I am surprised! -