Few years ago, when major depression struck, music was the only thing that can calm me or make me feel better. This time, it's watching Grey's Anatomy from Season 1 until Season 13 (waiting for Season 14). So much 'healing' .... as if the whole world is 'back'. I was the one who was chasing after this TV dramas ... from season to season...... and i felt so much that someone would understand me better .... and yes, 'level' of understanding on culture, professionalism, etc. etc... just got me back on track to know who I really is.....
This GE14 made me understand more on how low level and understanding this society is, one which i can hardly cope. No. England and elsewhere is not any 'better', if i am not with this group of same level people in my world. Even 'my person' is not even of the level that i can talk to, or chill with, or share life with. It's just different level and I started to realised, until and unless i get out from this group of people's circle, i will not be able to find myself again.
From series to series.... and i realised, my issue .... the biggest issue of me pushing people away, before they did or they might not have the intention to is because of abandonment issue I have all alone since birth. There are a few occasions that leads and contributes to this.... and until and unless someone really loves me will be able to see it and helped me.... i know, i will have no way to get over with this pain and suffering.... The fear of losing my love one, always turned out that, i lose them anyway.... so, yup.... be it i don't like it, i will still lose them no matter how. So, I need to make sure that i don't open up that wounds and being lost again another time in the future. Distance is what i need.... friend is not what i need.. being alone is what i need.. and no intimate relationship is what i truly need. So, yes...... that's me... not loveable and a terrible soul.
- Moving .... slowing ...! -
