Just when I was pondering over what can be the most meaningful thing in life besides the norm - having a family, have children, earn a living, being slaves to them and died, I received a text message from my dad's previous boss, who is the chairman of the OM Malaysia. It reminded me that many times on the Doulos ship and while serving the missionaries on the ship.. the promise He made to me and the promise I made to Him. No. He did not send me to Doulos because He has a better plan in His kingdom. He called the best in the family - my brother to do an even greater job in the past few years and assigned me a task to take care of my parents. I was 'asked' by Him to serve in the local church for years until 8 years ago (not sure if He said stop or I quit without His approval), but I completely broke down wonder why on earth, this bunch of so-called Christian acted like they are God and none seems to be able to hear God.
It's been 8 years since I serve God in any area of His ministries. It's weird though that, people always tell the congregation that they do not have enough workers to serve and yet, they never take the effort to find or give others the opportunities. hahaha... Anyway, No. I do not want to work in the church (as I told a friend yesterday). However, what she said somehow made me think further on the statement i made.
Whether is church or not, It's not for me to decide. More so, was it because of my family history that prevented me from serving Him in church all these while? I am glad my mind was wild enough to take up the challenge to join 2 mission trips, one to Taiwan and one to Ireland. I don't like Taiwan much... Going to Taiwan ultimately became a challenge for me as from the food to the culture, I know I am going to suffer a lot. But God somehow shows me that if He places me to the place He wants me to, He is in control of everything. I guess do know all the needs of all the 16 of us. He somehow uses the 16 of us (20 plus the locals), helped each others in every area of our service to minister to each others. I am glad I met some really good people whom i can share my heart and burder with, despite the fact that we don't know each other well enough. And just because of that, we never judge and we always encourage and pray together without criticism.
I always thought pride is my issue, but God shows me that i can be humble too and when Solomon (the OM Tung Luo incharge) told me he is blessed by my humilities, it took me a while to wonder why he said that. I guess i realised only recently that he saw the comment that the 2 people who recommended me to the programmes and he also knew how much I can do and yet I have been quiet and humbly follow every instruction.
Seeing Solomon and Lydia lead the group and how they focus in their ministries while coping with children and sick children for days while leading us, etc. It's amazing how God raise missionaries and how much they can do for Him, without complaint.
I might have focus too largely on the failure I did in serving Him in CCL. But God has shown me that, if CCL doesn't wants me to be there, they are going to face the justice they deserve one day. If they have rejected me, God is here for me and ... if CCL doesn't want me, He can use me on other places, as long as I am willing. Yes. All Saints too might not be the place for me. I thank God St. Patrick remains the pillar of my 'church life' and people are always there for me as long as one of them know who my parents and my brother are.
These few weeks, God has spoken to me like answering every single of my inquiries. The moment I asked a question, i got an answer the next day. He is just great and wonderful and the most important thing is that, i forgot, He actually loves me very much, STILL! Thanks for those who constantly remind me that He still does...
It could be a time to pause and listen and rest in the past few years. However, i believe this year is a year that i can press on the acceleration paddle... and moves forwards, swiftly. I do not know what's next. I am putting my trust in Him completely. I might only have 1 week of life left. No one knows if i am going to survives the surgery. But I have come to term that He is the Lord and I will let God be God and let Him take full control of my life. If i died next week, i have nothing to regret. I just hope people one day will come to Christ because of my little action.
It's encouraging to hear that even in my dad's funeral, God has used that to call upon someone to go full time and responded to Him. Lord, you are God indeed. I am willing to be used. But, are you sending me?
- divine acceleration! -
