Heard?

For a year now, people whom have left me asked and expect me to find new friends, but they have forgot that it's impossible because first, i do not want to end up telling my new friends what my old friends did to me.  Secondly, i do not want to end up damaging the church and the people.  Upon hearing so much of 'complains' from me from facebook, my children came to me together, secretly, out of concern, asked me what actually happen.  They confessed that they have tried all sources and yet, none of them manage to find out what happen exactly.  That's how unheard I am.  I have to protect my old friends, I have to protect CCL and the priest, I have to protect my brother, I have to protect the bishop(s), and I am the only one end up feeling hurt myself... for the past year.  No.  I am not saying my old friends are not suffering, I am not saying the church are not, ... but all I am saying is, they shouldn't blame that on me alone now and walked away like they didn't do anything wrong at all.  I am not saying I am blameless.  A friend asked me who has the problem, I told her straight to her face, "I am obviously.  I am sick".  Am I blaming everything to the sickness?  Seriously if you ask me, I do.  Ask around ... and you will find out how 'unusual' i am these days... I woke up everyday wonder where I am.  I woke up everyday wonder what day is today and is there anything i need settle.  I woke up everyday wonder who am I.  Is my father still alive? And for sure, for the first few hours, my memories can be lost by 70%, not knowing even who am I, etc.  

I am expecting more and more loss of memories when time goes by.  There are too many things that happen this year has been forgotten..  worse is, i cannot control my emotions.  Do you realised whenever you act on certain steps, it's your emotions that steps in first?  Well, ... that's exactly what's wrong and difficult for me... because my emotions has failed and therefore, I can assess if my rational is working fine too... 

Who am I?  I have lost myself for a year now.  I don't know exactly who am I? What's my identity, what's my character, what am I good at? All I got from others are 'disconnection', worthlessness, hopelessnes... and "I am sick" and I am always wrong.  

When the bible speaks about who am I, as... to there's only one Pei San, I can tell you.. I can tell God, He is such a failure to create me.  Because I am a loser. And a human can be so 'useless' once his/her mind is not intact anymore.  Friends, job, money, integrity, family... all gone within a minute once they know you are sick.  No one heard my side of the story until today.  Not that anyone want to find out.  All they know and heard of is the other side of the story... which they have deemed correct because the other person who is telling is not sick.  I am. Whatever I say, it will have no weight at all... just because I am sick. The most painful part is that, even the closest person around me see me the same way like everyone else did. 

- Heard? -