Recovering...

It's not easy to fall down, got up and move forward. Among the 3 steps, I found the second one to be the most difficult as I did felt it is 'comfortable' to be down under once fell. It is difficult to got up before I have to put some efforts to move forward. However, this kind of process does occurs quite often in life. At some occasion, it is easier to overcome but some, it is so difficult as to one point, I just felt to stay put after I fell.

I was being pursuaded to share my 'fall' yesterday by a friend. The first part of the conversation, he just thought that I am having problem with dealing with my cell members and ministries, etc. etc... but he has got me wrong and I am quite sure that some of you who read my previous sharing in the blog has got me wrong. Completely wrong! No... I am not having problem with cell members nor cell group nor ministries... I am having problem with MYSELF. I LOST myself somewhere. I couldn't find myself and I am frustrated with it. It could be stress and tiredness that caused all these, but it's definately not because of the people or the issues or anything. It's all because I lost myself.

There are a few reasons of my recent 'falls'. One of the major reason is that I always too responsible on things assigned for me. I always take it seriously and that sometimes, too personally. A friend however, thought that I should draw a line between disciples and friends. I however, have dificulties in distinguish them as to me, my disciples are my friends and/or the other way round. Don't get me wrong. Nothing of such issue has arises so far. I told you earlier, he got me wrong. But we did talked about this issue and I did have difficulties in distinguish the two. And the third issue is of course that I am feeling TIRED of so many things came to me at once and sometimes, I do have this expectation towards my friends / cell members to understand. But somehow, that's not possible and my energy just drained out completely and that I am feeling so so so tired doing things by myself. And of course, to add on to all these is the accounting in my firm. My auditor is coming and my clerk is on maternity leaves and my partner, haha.. she is not helpful AT ALL. Even small small thing like writing a payment voucher, she needs me to reminds her and she just mess things up and I just had to double check things for her after she left the office. With all these, I did had friend visiting, etc, etc... and friends wedding to attend, etc. etc. Of all that, I do need to lead my cell group, motivate them to join the Young Adult Camp, etc. etc. Plus a bit of here and there in the church. I am ... really drained out and... tired.

And therefore, I lost myself... completely. Not knowing whether I am surviving for a purpose or to lives a life that God has given me. I have lost my direction and I just tried my very best to fulfil every RESPONSIBILITIES given to me as me, lawyer, cell leader, daughter, sister, friend, etc. etc.

Well, it has been almost a year now that this firm existed and well, there are good and bad times, there are struggles and disagreement. i.e. this morning my partner told me every professions has the dark side and we just need to blend in. Without looking at her (doing works at the same time), I just told her off directly and indirectly that I won't want to be one of them. She was angry because I didn't want to make things easier, but too bad... I told her I still won't do like what the GENERAL people will do and after I told her that, I walked out the office to do some photocopy and when I returned, I can sensed the tension in the office. I was telling 2 cell members last Wednesday that, I really struggles a lot in sustaining my position in this firm and in my professions. I know my life won't be easy once I oppose to the Dark Side. I also know that my calling as a Christian lawyer won't be easy and it is definately more challenging then a full time worker or minister sometimes. The most difficult part in all these are therefore not because I am opposing the Dark Side, but... to fight this fight all by myself. I really wonder how long can I last to be partner in this firm.

Some of you do know that I cannot tolerant my faith with someone who is not same as mine. I would rather give up a person, a relationship, my career and/or other thing rather than God. ... I really won't be able to sustain for too long with all the above. I need some prayer from you who is reading and who cares. I need some encouragment like some of you always give. But what I really do is not only a spiritual partner in prayer, but also a spiritual partner in action.

So yes... thought I am on 'recovering' stage... please continue to remember me in your prayer...

- recovering -