Lawsuits among believers

One of the causes of my depression some years ago was because of the hypocrisy of church leaders.  Yes.  You got me right.  It’s not just believers, but those who are supposed to be leaders, who are the shepherd who is guiding and tending us, the believers who got me in a depressive state and left me alone to ‘die’.  That’s my exact feeling and emotions then.  

1 Corinthians 6: 1-11 clearly stated how believers should do when it comes to disputes among believers and whether a lawsuit is an option.  It is clearly stated that, if there are any disputes, one should not look at their own interest and advantages and bring one another to courts. It is a shame. Yes. I feel utterly ashamed of what had happened when those so-called church leaders brought the church disputes to court to sue the Bishop of Sabah or the Archbishop of South East Asia.  I quote verse 7, “The very fact that you have lawsuits among you means you have been completely defeated already.” What I couldn’t brained and accept it was that the two parties involved not only one bishop and some leaders, but a few bishops and mostly senior priest.  I couldn’t take it.  I find it ridiculous.  I gave up, without a fight.  When people started to attack me because I am on one side (current bishop then), everyone attacked me like nobody businesses in the PCC meetings and other church ministries.  I find myself not serving God, but trying to please people coming from every corner.  I felt drained, I felt unable to breathe, I felt I should give up and walked away, which I did.  I do not want to be part of any side.  

Yeah.  Shame on the believers.  Shame on the church leaders and shame on me, because I am too the believer, a trained advocate who is supposed to be able to arbitrate the matter, but Bishop Albert then did not want to burden me.  And me, I just walked away, sank under my sadness and depression. Shame on me, being God’s child but have failed big time to remain faithful to Him, focus on Him and His ministry, but to let the disputes to go the court, not bothering much about the court matters and let it happened and deal with before non-believers, even though that had caused even more depressive episodes to me and that I wanted so much to give up on being a Christian because I feel so ashamed to be part of that community.  Shame on me for running away and trying to gather me.  

I wonder if the party who won the lawsuit is feeling great about winning.  I wonder if things restored now to the ‘unproductive’ administrative of the church news means more people have come to know Christ? I wonder if any of these people who deemed successful, feeling as winners or feeling being defeated.  My heart sank the moment not I was attacked, but when leaders gathered their ‘flocks’ to go against the primate as if they are upholding justice, a justice that they have forgotten that is in God’s hand.  Passing judgment on others is easy.  I might be doing it now too, subconsciously, but I definitely feel like a loser ever since then and not even dare to tell others that I am a Christian, or I am from this church or denomination.  

Lord, I am sorry that I am such a loser in the past.  Help me to focus again on You.  

May our God sanctify and justified us in our daily walk with Him. 

- Lawsuits among believers -